seeing sufficiency

I have been in this run club for a long time. I run, talk, ask questions, get exhausted, experience beauty, slow down and walk, ask more questions, get excited, talk some more, yada yada yada. You get it, run clubs are the thing. Anyways, running ends when I go to bed, and when I wake up I get to run all over again the next day.  

My shin splints from 8th grade cross country are screaming for help at the thought of being a member of an actual run club. The run club I’m referring to is the great gift I have of being an internal skeptic. I challenge everything. I ask everything. I wonder everything. In my mind there is a constant flow of questions and dreams; it always seems to be go go go run club up in this mind of mine. I also do all of this externally, but that’s not the point of this blog.

When I stepped into my relationship with the Lord a little over 4 years ago, I didn’t hesitate to bring my Internal Skeptic Run Club along with me. The cool part is now I can acknowledge God’s presence in that space with me, but that means I also easily challenge his love for me and question his faithfulness he’s shown me.

Morgan led her Roundtable last night and we were prompted to draw something that we are taking from fellows into this transition as a reminder of what God has shown us this year. Two very physical reminders the Lord has kept using to rein my thoughts in during run club have been Simon helping Jesus carry his cross and Emily Walker showing us pictures of the tiny cellar Paul was imprisoned and where writers of Paul’s letter came to listen and transcribe what Paul was proclaiming. These are two very physical reminders with a whole lot of evidence, which Internal Skeptic Run Club is really blown away by. Jesus’ physical neediness and Paul’s testimony being heard beyond the walls of a tiny cellar both rocked my world and continue to.

I’m reminded of this scripture that we read in our last Spiritual Formation with Mary Young. This was a time I got to close my eyes and spend in realization of these physical reminders, putting the pieces together, and then I fell asleep with Carsyn sleeping on the other end of the same couch (all perfect). Luke 24: 38-39… He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”

Here are a few other physical reminders of the Lord’s sufficiency and goodness from this last month that I have experienced!

• Easter Sunday at Apostles was super special

• Went to Colorado for a week for work and just missed Ashley and the fellows a bunch. Really cool to have people that I miss while I’m away from them and 9 months ago they were strangers.

• Biking at the beach & Mountains and maps

• Time with my mentor, Emily Smith! Great balance of laughter and seriousness

• Feeling a sense of accomplishment from work this week (usually I just don’t acknowledge how I feel leaving work unless it’s being tired- need to obviously try to change this)

• Bieberchella

• Richmond/Charlottesville weekend

• Saw some of my family in Charlotte this past weekend!

• Velvet Taco free queso in Flip flops in the rain

xoxo, talk again soon! promise. -Hailey Cook

Blog, the Eighth

Well, here we are. 20 days. At least at the time of writing this. Psalm 90:12 reminds us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. I’ve tried my best to relish these last days of fellows. I feel like I’m taking in every moment as I grieve the impending reality that I simply won’t have the same level of proximity or regularity of time with these people. I won’t write much else frankly, but I do want to share a list a number of things that brought me joy this month:

-       The Pitt finale

-       Talking to my friend Drew for an hour on the phone while walking the neighborhood

-       People in my life that care

-       A fun Friday in chapel hill

-       Celebrating my Great Aunt Mimi’s life

-       An unexpected night at two roosters with people from the church

-       Winning Flip 7 at guys night

-       Reminders of childhood & good days at roundtable

-       So much from the weekend in Richmond & Charlottesville

-       “That cup of coffee” (sorry that’s the best you’re getting this month)

-       Crying for the first time in a while saying thank you and see you later to my mentor Bryan

-       My friend Joseph

-       Reagan’s prayer partner reveal

-       Bonding with my coworkers

-       New Noah Kahan (x2)

-       A handful of us going to dinner and my paloma there

-       Growth

-       Afternoon shopping with the gals

-       Kids ministry being chill

-       Roundtable fishbowl

-       Dinner with the Bolash family

 That list feels extensive enough, and I promise this isn’t the last you’ll hear from me.

Ending Well - MG

One thing about me is that I love endings.

It sounds so wrong, but there’s something about a chapter closing that brings me so much joy and gratitude. Maybe it’s the fresh perspective? All the little annoyances and inconveniences fall away. Everything feels especially meaningful. Reflections on growth and progress abound, highlighting God’s faithfulness and closeness throughout the year.

The last few weeks have been the sweetest time in my whole year in fellows. Classes have been rich, side quests have been abundant, relationships with God and others have felt so secure and fulfilling.

Yet I still feel so much sadness that these things are ending. No matter how hard I tried, it’s impossible to take in the full value of the program in the moment. But now as I look back, I reflect on how precious our classes, roundtables, retreats, and fieldtrips were. I had so many wise people at my disposal this year, and was exposed to more rich content than I could ever hope to fully absorb.

I’m going to desperately miss going to class on Mondays & Fridays and having the full attention and energy of pastors and leaders pouring into us. I’m going to miss host family debriefs and daily rhythms and routines with them. Selfishly, I’m going to miss having Ashley to ourselves, knowing that we are unfortunately being replaced next year (very rude) (hope that no 2027 Fellows are reading this).

But I’m SO excited for all that is to come! We’ve talked all year about setting a trajectory for our lives. Not a life plan or a play-by-play, but a vision for the kind of life we want to live, and how to take steps toward that. And I’m so ready to begin executing! I’m ready to intentionally pursue community, lean fully into my church and network, and take action! I’m very much a trial-and-error kind of person, and I want to put everything that I’ve gained this year to the test.

And what beautiful examples I have for living life well! I get to follow in the footsteps of my mentor, host family, thriving young adult community, and countless others!

Wow this is so intimidating to write. I feel like I’m writing my own eulogy, but I already did that, so I need to chill. I have so much more reflecting to do, but this has been a great start. Maybe I’ll pop in this summer and put more thoughts into the void (does anyone read these?). Anyways, I need to stop and postpone this freak out until later.

Thanks be to God for endings and beginnings and seasons and transitions. May He bless these precious last two weeks!

Love you all,

Maddie Grace

Where There's a Will #7

If you haven’t watched Ted Lasso, you’re missing out. I binge watched all three seasons of this show last summer before moving out of Boone. When I think about this show I think about the darts scene in Season 1. It has been overplayed and used across all kinds of clip channels on YouTube and TikTok and even at YoungLife camps during the talks. But I stop and watch it every time.

In this clip, Rupert challenges Ted to a game of darts with some big consequences on the line. Rupert is one of the most cocky, unlikable characters I have ever seen so of course he pulls out his own custom darts and underestimates Ted’s dart abilities. Fast forward and Rupert thinks he has the game won. Ted responds by doing and saying the following:

Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.

(Throws a triple 20)

Ted: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"

(Throws another triple 20)

Ted: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away." Barbecue sauce.

(Throws a bulls-eye)

We can learn a lot of things through the way that Ted acted in this clip but the same quote that stands out to him is what stood out to me, “Be curious, not judgemental.” Now apparently this quote was not actually said by Walt Whitman but that’s ok. Ted has been underestimated his whole life, especially when taking over a premier league football team. By listening to Ted, we get a peek into his life and get some pretty good advice on how we need to treat people.

Ask questions. Be curious. Do not be judgmental. Being a part of Fellows and feeling the year slowly begin to wrap up is making me sit with this. Being curious as the next thing comes. Asking questions as this program comes to an end. If we follow this path we will be triumphant and a lot happier than people who live in judgement (like Rupert).

-Will

3 Years!

Russ Last Class

John Richmond Retreat

Chief Justice Paul Newby

Silent Retreat!

Poole's!

Future House :)

JOG

Morgan's March

I can’t believe it’s already April. Time is moving so quickly and May is right around the corner. March was such a meaningful month, and with the weather finally warming up, it’s been so fun getting to spend more time outside and experience new things together.

My family and grandparents came to visit at the beginning of the month, and I loved getting to show them some of my favorite spots around Raleigh while also trying a few new restaurants. We had our John Richmond retreat with the Trinity Fellows, which was truly a highlight. Getting to bring both groups together, spend time on the lake, and learn from John was such a gift. He shared so much wisdom, and the entire weekend felt both refreshing and impactful. Jackie, Tyler, and I were on snacks, and we definitely went a little overboard, but it was worth it.

We also had the opportunity to visit the North Carolina Supreme Court and meet Chief Justice Paul Newby, which was such a unique and memorable experience. Our silent retreat at the St. Francis Prayer Center was unlike anything I’ve ever done before, but it was incredibly meaningful and gave me a lot of time for reflection. To end the month, we had the sweetest surprise birthday celebration for the summer birthdays. Everyone got their favorite dessert, and Maddie Grace made the best almond blackberry cake I’ve ever had.

I feel so grateful for everything this month held and am really trying to be present and soak up these moments. Praying for April and trusting that the post Fellows logistics will begin to come together.

-Morgan

March Madness

Let’s just acknowledge the fact that March in Raleigh might be peak living. College basketball is always on, the Carolina Hurricanes are gearing up for the playoffs, the flowers start blooming again, and Will Wade got run out of town. It’s a good time to be here. Before digging into what March looked like as a Fellow, I must begin with my deepest and most sincere apology to Jacob Currin for posting this blog a few days late…again. Trust me, I read my 360 review - I know I still have some things to work on.

The first highlight of March was hitting the road and traveling to the most magical place on earth…Docksology. Ashley and Sam’s lake house is such a special place - truly a gift from the Lord that they’ve stewarded incredibly well. This month we had the privilege of sharing that space with another Fellows program for a retreat led by John Richmond. For those who have heard his name, you know John is one of the most inspiring people doing some of the most impactful work anywhere.

The weekend centered around 10 “Rules of Life” that John created for his family - guiding principles that help them live intentionally and faithfully.

10 Rules of Life:

1. Glorify God alone

2. Know your name

3. People are more important than stuff

4. Speak truth in love

5. Feelings are not actions

6. Know how to stop

7. Finish the job

8. Be generous

9. Happen to your life

10. Make wrong things right

Of course, there’s a great deal of context and wisdom behind each of these. But if I had to summarize the takeaway in one sentence, it would be this:

Big things don’t happen accidentally.

Our next retreat together looked very different from our time at the lake house.

When I first saw “Silent Retreat” on the Google Calendar months ago, I genuinely had no idea what that meant. Silence with God hasn’t historically been a big part of my story. As an Enneagram 3 - have I mentioned that I’m an Enneagram 3 yet? - my brain naturally gravitates toward accomplishing tasks and getting things done. I hate going to bed feeling like I wasted the day. In some ways, that drive can be good. But in other ways, it makes it incredibly difficult to slow down, to be still, and to sit in the presence of the Lord the way Scripture calls us to.

As expected, it was challenging. I felt restless, like I couldn’t settle into my seat. My mind kept racing to the next thing I needed to do. Fortunately, my good friend John Mark Comer and I eventually found some quiet space and spent time reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. It took several hours before I finally reached a place where I was simply reading - focused, present, and not thinking about the next task waiting for me.

One line from the book especially hit me:

“For many of us, the great danger is not that we will renounce our faith. It is that we will become so distracted and rushed and preoccupied that we will settle for a mediocre version of it. We will just skim our lives instead of actually living them.”

That felt like a bit of a wake-up call.

Overall, March was very full, and I’m still learning how to live my life differently than I was 365 days ago. I’m incredibly grateful for some really cool opportunities that have come my way, but I’m even more grateful for the people who have stepped into my life along the way. Fellows may be coming to an end, but many new friendships are just beginning.

Thank you, Lord.

*peace sign*

-Peyton

hailey marched

Today I was looking at past blogs of mine to maybe start posting them to my LinkedIn because Will Brown has influenced me to. Anyways! I was looking at the one I posted last month, and while it felt very perfect for February, it feels sweet to know just a fragment of how the Lord was going before me into March. I’ll go into more detail after you read the scripture and sentence from my blog that stuck out to me as I reread.

“Psalm 139: 13-16… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 

It is a strange gift, this birthright of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it.”

During my time at the silent retreat, I walked through the first 5 stations of the cross in “An Invitation to Walk With Christ” by Ruth Haley Barton. Station 5 in her booklet is Simon helping Jesus carry his cross. I felt super inclined to just sit there at station 5; in my reflection of my time there, I wrote “forgive me of my proud self-sufficiencies and for the ways in which they wall me off from you and others around me.”  This station was hard for me to chew on as I find myself striving for self-sufficiency and deny help for the sake of my independence.

This week, Holy Week, wouldn’t exist if we had a self-sufficient Christ. Holy Week exists only because we have a humble Christ. Christ who also was needy for God. Christ accepted his gift. His birthright of self. And obviously it turned out to be even more demanding than attempting to just shortcut and be someone else to get around all of the troubles. He didn’t go around it, and after it all, He is still being my patient Shepherd while I’m one of his sheep still rolling in my mud puddle of self-sufficiencies.

This was my God sighting that I shared at roundtable tonight. He went before me in March and showed me just a snippet of how! Maybe this is a midnight unformed thought to the reader, but it was super sweet for me to write it.

Top 5 songs of the month:

Taste Back- Harry Styles (beautiful)

American Girls- Harry Styles (magical)

Are You Listening Yet?- Harry Styles (inspirational)

Love Takes Miles- Cameron Winter (cameron Winter overlaps into the 3 other seasons btw)

A Pirate Looks At Forty- Jimmy Buffett (spring is here and summer is after that. get to listening)

Putting this in at the end just to tell all readers about a fun day I had this month! On Palm Sunday I went to Church and Served at Roots, for the first time ever, at 9am and then joined in for the 11am service after. To say I had fun in Roots is too weak of a statement. It was awesome. After Church I went to have lunch with my mentor, Emily, at her house with her family. I was there for 3 hours- they are incredible and fun people. And then that night the Miedema’s had some family and friends over and we watched the UConn v Duke game and ate good food. All this to say I am so thankful for the opportunities I have and the people I get to hangout with all because I took a chance on Raleigh, NC. Cool stuff. Talk soon!

-Hailey Cook

Called, Not Settled

Five weeks. That’s all we have left in this program. Guys, what a time it has been. Who would’ve thought these months would fly by so quickly?

Now that it’s spring, I’ve found myself in awe of how green everything is becoming. Getting off work while it’s still light out—actual sunlight—feels like a gift. Being able to enjoy the evenings a little longer, to watch the sunset, to see the stars… it’s something I don’t take for granted. Even with the weather being all over the place—80 one day, 34 the next—it’s a reminder of how alive everything is.

More than anything, it’s been a blessing from God to get to know each of you over these past few months. He gave us the opportunity to experience something really special—something intentional. Every retreat, every conversation, every late night—none of it was by coincidence. It was all in His timing. The fact that our paths crossed the way they did is something only He fully understands, but I believe it will continue to make more sense in the years ahead.

As for what’s next, I’m honestly not sure. The job I thought I’d be stepping into full-time didn’t turn out the way I expected. Deep down, I knew around February—after the vocational calling retreat—that it wasn’t where I was meant to stay long-term. Something in me kept saying, “You can do better.”

I was also disappointed that the housing situation didn’t work out the way I had hoped. But looking back, I see how that may have been a blessing in disguise. It felt like God was reminding me, “Tyler, you’re not bound here. You’re free to go where I’m calling you.”

That doesn’t mean I won’t miss Raleigh—I absolutely will. My hope is to come back in the fall with a full-time job I genuinely enjoy and can grow in. But ultimately, I’m learning to hold those plans loosely and trust that God is the one opening and closing doors.

I’ve talked a lot about Colorado—and honestly, I can’t shake the feeling that I might be called there. It’s been on my mind constantly, and after this past summer, I miss it even more. So I’m exploring opportunities out there, looking at jobs, and trying to get a sense of what life could look like.

For now, the plan is to move back to DC for a season, save up, and spend time with my family. It’ll be a change, but a good one. Being able to see my parents and brothers regularly again is something I’m really looking forward to.

I know we’ll see each other again—like in September for the wedding—and we’ll always have opportunities to visit. But it won’t quite be the same as the nights we spent together here: watching movies, going out to eat, having guys’ nights and girls’ nights. That’s going to be hard.

Like Ashley said, this program has been a kind of extension—a pause before fully stepping into adult life. While others have already started figuring things out, we were given the gift of doing it together. Fellows brought us into a community, gave us jobs, and built something really special.

But we always knew this time would come—the time when we wouldn’t see each other every day.

My hope and prayer is that we don’t let this be the end of these relationships. That we continue to reach out, check in, and show up for one another—even from a distance. And when we do come back together, that those reunions are even sweeter than anything we’ve experienced here.

Because even the tears we shed when we say goodbye… can still be tears of joy.

Your quirky Photographer,

Tyler

Marching into April!

Hello March blog!

Today’s blog is coming to you via dictation through my Notes app on my phone. I am on a walk in Ashley‘s neighborhood pre-roundtable, and figured this is the best way for me to write my blog! #efficient

What a month! It was a bender of three out of four weekends out of town, full of retreats, a wedding, some silence, 360 reviews, my grandfather’s 86th birthday, the fellows summer birthday surprise celebration, and much, much more. Just when I thought February was full, March came in to one-up that.

I’m grateful for the amount of content I was given to absorb this month. March held one of my favorite retreats, led by John Richmond, on the 10 rules for living life well. I was inspired by the simplicity, yet profoundness of the rules and how they played out over the time of raising his family. It’s hard to pick a favorite rule, but the one that has stood out to me over the following weeks was to “happen to your life.” To recognize that we are not in control, but we have great influence on our lives, humbles and charges me at the same time.

It felt like I was running a marathon getting to the end of the month, and I was so grateful that silent retreat was at the end. It was there that I realized just how exhausted I was and in need of silence and solitude with God. When life gets “crazy” and “busy” (realizing more that it always is), I tend to be less and less consistent on keeping good rhythms and taking care of myself both physically and mentally. Again, this became deeply apparent to me, not necessarily in silence, but coming out of the silence and back into the real world. God has been revealing the ways that he desires me to take care of myself more and more. Learning how self-care can be a way of worshiping God, taking care of His creation, has been really beautiful.

I deleted social media (as much as I can because unfortunately my job surrounds social media), am looking for more ways to move my body and be active, and am continuing the fight of getting up early in the morning with God (pray for this one specifically). I’ve been really grateful for these rhythms, and am still grateful for a season of fellows where the schedule is full, and the commitments are vast— but God is always kind in telling me to slow down right where I’m at.

With Fellows soon coming to an end, I continue to pray consistently for the Lord not to let the things we’ve learned be lost on me. It’s been nine months of underlining and bookmarking all that’s being shared with me so that I can come back to it again and again after this time is over. I’m expectant to see how the Lord will use this experience and put it into practice as I face more of the things I’ve seen and heard.

Cheers to the last full month ahead!

Until next time,

Carsyn

March w/ MG!

hi everyone!

Time flies when it's finally WARM OUTSIDEEEE!!!! I couldn't be more grateful for spring and warm days!

All 31 days of this month have been full to the brim! I can't believe I started March at the beach for women's retreat, and now here I am, 2 retreats later, reflecting on all of it!

If February was a month of self discovery, March was a month of God discovery! Here are some of the most spiritually meaningful things I've done this month:

• Sermon on the Mount class with Eric - this class has been so insanely cool. We've practiced inductive Bible study, which has taught me to sit with just a few verses for soooo long and actually get a ton out of it! Our discussions have been incredible, and it's really reignited a desire to read the Gospels and Jesus’ teachings. Which leads us to…

• New Testament Bible class - We've covered the Gospels, Acts, and started to dip into the Epistles so far! I didn't realize how much I didn't know until our speedy but thorough overview of these books! So much of what I've been reading in my personal time has been enriched by the context I've gotten from Ryan and Emily.

• Silent Retreat - It was a wildly uncomfortable and restful and intimate and strange experience! I believe I felt every emotion during our one day of silence! It was an incredible exercise to sit, talk, and walk with Jesus through my day, and practice the practice of silence and solitude (I need more of it). It actually went by so quickly, and was the perfect “off-ramp” from our series of retreats this month. Coming back from that, I feel refreshed in my day-to-day walk with Jesus and grateful for more free time and open weekends to be in community before the end of fellows!

There's so much more I could talk about (shout out John Richmond retreat), but you can read someone else's blog for that! I have to leave for Roundtable now, so that's all she wrote!

ONE MORE FULL MONTH LEFT OMG!!! SEE YOU THEN!!!!

-Maddie Grace

March roundup!

I mean I swear I was just updating y’all on my February and now here we are, another month passing us by. March was full and fun just like all our other months as fellows! Let me tell you about the weekends of this month - they are the guides of my mind when I look back. My friends, Liz and Whitney visited early in March which kicked off just an awesome month relationally for me - I adore them and I’m so thankful they made the trip to visit with me in some of my favorite places. Next up was our John Richmond retreat with the Trinity (Charlottesville) fellows where we got to spend time in the sun and meet new friends and learn how to intentionally create a framework for our lives that leads us to a lifestyle in Christ - so awesome right. And only one week later, we did the opposite - we engaged in our silent retreat at St. Francis springs. (we’ll get back to this soon!) My final weekend of March was a trip to D.C. to visit my sister Amelia and her bf Alex at their new place alongside my parents! We went on peak cherry blossom weekend and let me assure you, I was not disappointed, it was beautiful. These weekends have each refreshed my soul in a different way - how cool that four unique experiences can bring such life and joy. I’m leaving March grateful! A year ago I was dreading leaving college, stepping away from a life I loved and people I loved. But now, as we walk towards the end of fellows, I’m overwhelmed by God’s goodness and all that he has brought me into this past year. 

I often feel like the Lord brings something to my attention and has me latch onto that for a while, graciously dangling it in front of my face and weaving things together to emphasize it until it really sinks in. This month, to no surprise, wasn’t any different. During college, I took a disability and religion class for my minor (of course, this was my favorite course I took!) and one week we read an excerpt of the book “The Disabled God” by Nancy Eiesland. I’m not going to take the space to really dive in about this but everyone should go read the section of it that is available online. But it wrecked me a little bit - Jesus appears postresurrection to his disciples in his perfect body, one that still bears the wounds and scars of his earthly life. He reveals himself whole and complete as the “disabled God”. The implications for people with disabilities from this revelation is huge, but I would argue this article has massive relevance to everyone's life. What brokenness do we have that we just don’t believe Jesus gets? Do we hold that brokenness under the blessing or the curse? Many questions stir from this for me, so I decided I would lead my roundtable for fellows on the article as well as a framework for belovedness from Henri Nouwen’s book “Life of the Beloved”. Following this decision, at the silent retreat, the space that I got stalled in was the stations of the cross which Mary Young (leader of our trip) had provided scripture, reflection, and art for. The reality of Christ’s humanity on the way to the cross absolutely took over me, the idea that along his walk he stumbled and cried and humans helped him get to the cross etched itself in my mind and heart. His broken body. Christ’s broken body became so real to me for probably the first time, I couldn’t move away from it. Back in Raleigh I revisited my roundtable materials and realized that this was something the Lord was weaving together, he had made his broken body real to me right before asking the fellows to sit in that as well in our upcoming roundtable. How good is he at that! The cross has taken on a whole new weight for me, after hearing the scripture countless times over many years of sitting in church. It was such an awesome discussion getting to hear how this truth impacts each person in the room and the unassuming gift of living in a broken and beloved body. So that’s where I’m at, completely overcome by the cross and seeing Christ in a whole new way as we walk with him to the cross this week. I’ll leave you with this quote from Nancy Eiesland’s book, “The Eucharist is a remembrance of a broken body–and a celebration of the miraculous liberation that wells up from that broken body.” His broken body is the means to our freedom, it wells up from his wounds. Don’t let that fly over your head as it so easily can. By his wounds, we are healed!!!

A quick little what I’m loving atm!

• Seeing my sis in her new city! 

• 8th grade girls small group with my queen of a coleader, Mary Stuart

• The fact that I had a blueberry flat white, iris’ new spring latte, and an everything bagel croissant today - impeccable lineup 

• Our surprise summer bday party! It was touch and go but we successfully shocked!

• Friends! College friends, fellow friends, all of the friends - I’ve got good people 

• SPRINGGGG (especially the flowers) 

• Making my friends swing at pinatas, forgot how good it feels to watch that 

• Trader joes mini coffee ice cream cones 

• Chip! My host dog

• New Flatland Calvary album

• And all the in between!!

Happy spring! See ya in a month

With love, Reagan

parts of march as a raleigh fellow

Hello blog! It's your favorite fellow, bevi, with a March update. Let's talk highlights! 

• Women's retreat duhhh (got a shoutout last time too) 

• Virginia and Pete visiting! We had amazing weather and quality time and walks, did lots of jubala runs, played beer garden mini golf, and spent so much silly and sweet time with Billy and Cathy. I was super grateful for all of this! 

• Roller skating with my girl Chloe from N2N 

• John Richmond retreat – specifically, dancing on the dock because we are the silly and weird fellows 

• Lunch downtown together after meeting the chief justice of NC and his wife 

• Spontaneous hang with kendall  

• Silent retreat - I love my alone time. Loved praying, laying in the sun, painting, and resting. Loved my itty bitty room and loved the silence when we woke up because I hate talking to people in the morning anyways! 

• Going out to meals with peyton and jacob, weekend collabs with the fellows, farmers market, prayer partner meals and walks, quality time with maggie mae 

• Ashley's intense friday afternoon meeting that ended up being a surprise bday party for summer bdays (me, jacob, morgan, peyton) with personalized desserts, pinatas, sweet notes, and games! THANK YOU FELLOWS, I FELT SO LOVED!! 

April is gonna be crazy! Stay tuned! - bevi lundeen

March!

Hey!

I am happy to report that spring has sprung here in Raleigh, and it is so beautiful! I have never really experienced a true spring, so it has been so fun for me to see all the different kinds of flowers in bloom. For one, I have never seen so many trees that are mostly flowers and not leaves. I am obsessed with the cherry blossoms, and seeing them spring up around town gave me hope for the warmth to come. Also… purple wisteria! So beautiful. A silly moment from my first experience of a real spring was thinking people were planting yellow plastic flowers in their yards. I eventually realized, upon seeing one wilt, that those flowers were in fact real and called daffodils.

Aside from experiencing spring, I feel like I have been experiencing the Lord in such a wonderful way. We had our silent retreat last weekend, and I went into it hoping to hear from the Lord about particular decisions and circumstances regarding my future. My wise and lovely mentor, Terri Shell, suggested that I pray and ask God to speak to me in a way I would recognize. And the Lord, faithful as he is, answered that prayer through the repetition and placement of a particular verse of scripture. The verse might be cliché to some, but it honestly is not one that I have ever given much thought to until recently. A few weeks ago, in search of a verse to use as a breath prayer, I opened my bible to where I had left off in Psalms. I had happened to be at Psalm 46, and so I decided that Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God,” would suffice.

In the week leading up to the silent retreat, I had been breathing this verse whenever I was anxious. Upon arrival and after a tour of the grounds of St. Francis Springs, Mary Young casually mentioned the verse in our group time. Then, the next morning, while silent and waiting for brunch to begin, I picked up a book called “The Sacred Enneagram.” This book told me that the best posture for Enneagram Ones in silent contemplative prayer is rest and stillness. After brunch, I began my day of silence by perusing through the journal left in my room for its occupants to sign or leave a note. And not once but twice, someone had written out the verse along with a message to future guests. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I had been praying this verse, but I was not comprehending its meaning for me.

God once again proved that he knows me and cares for me by using the repetition of his word to redirect my heart. Where I went into the weekend hoping that He would make a particular path clear, He just wanted me to draw nearer to Himself. I wanted an answer for my decisions, but God wanted me to rest in him and surrender control. To be still and know that he is God means to believe and trust that, no matter what circumstances I find myself in, he is still sovereign and has a million times more perspective than I do. It's not often that I can pinpoint how God is working in my life, but right now I can feel the adjusting and mending He is doing in my spirit.

We had a member of Apostles, Hunt Davis, speak to us on Friday for professional development. He said something that really stuck with me, “We are to be faithful with the inputs, and trusting with the outcomes.” I don’t really have much else to say other than how thankful I am that we serve a God who wants to be with us, is in charge of every outcome, and has overcome the world.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.
Be.

See you next month!

-Jackie

Blog, the Seventh

Plot twist, I got a job. And even bigger plot twist, it started already. Crazy right. It’s been great so far and I’m feeling very encouraged. So that’s cool, but it’s not what I want to dive into in this blog. Heck, thinking back on this month feels like a blur. Two retreats, endless hangs, introducing friends to Fellows, show & tell, and so much more.

~~~

Recently, at roundtable, we were given some reading to discuss and a small phrase from it has stuck out to me ever since.

“…the mixed blessing of this life…”

Hm. Weird, right. And yet potent. I cannot stop thinking about it. Especially in light of Eric’s class where we’ve looked into the Sermon on the Mount which begins with the beatitudes.

I’ve always loved the word blessed and often think on it. It’s such an endearing word, knowing that we are blessed.

However, that prescription for the blessing puts a spin on that word for the first time in my life. It’s almost intertwining the blessed and cursed. Like to experiencing blessings we need to be aware of the curses. After all, without the backdrop of the darkness, we wouldn’t be able to see the radiance of the light.

~~~

I often like to hold things tightly because when I think I have control it makes me feel safe or reassured when I may not otherwise. My prayer partner and I were talking over coffee this morning about how we share that. And yet we were both remembering how God has been teaching us that we are in fact not in control of our lives. Often God’s plans are better than the ones we dream up. And, as someone who dreams often, that’s hard to imagine. Looking back, I never would have would have guessed I’d end up in something like Fellows, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t trade anything for these relationships I’ve formed or these experiences of God I never before could have grasped.

I don’t really give compliments as often as I’d like to. I think there’s something about the scarcity of a kind word that makes it more meaningful (I know, probably a bad practice). Regardless, in case I don’t say it enough to my fellow Fellows or my friends or my family or my director; I love you. In different ways and for different reasons, sure. But I do in fact love you. Dearly.

Also, my coffee this morning tasted like sunshine.

So I’ll leave you all with what sticks lately.

Surrender. Palms up. Let go & let God. However you think of it. That is my refrain.

The Blog You’ve All Been Waiting For…

Was this blog post due several days ago…yes. Have my DMs been full of people BEGGING me to post my blog…duh. I owe you all a sincere apology, specifically Ashley Crutchfield. But here I am - better than ever… well, not exactly (hence why you’re reading this so late). Okay fine. The past couple of weeks have been nothing short of painful, confusing, and emotionally challenging. In the midst of that, I’ve cried (a lot), not slept great, had messy conversations with God, and somehow also laughed, felt an overwhelming sense of peace, and won a $65 Costco gift card… so it hasn’t all been bad.

I could go on and on about everything I learned in February, and I don’t want to overlook any of it. But I think it’s important that I highlight some of the personal growth I’ve seen in myself rather than just what I’ve learned in the classroom. That said, we kicked off February with a Career Calling Vocational Retreat - I don’t think I’ve ever taken so many notes in my entire life. It was such an intentional time of understanding how each of us is uniquely wired and created to bless the Lord through our work while leaning into the gifts He’s already given us.

In class, we’ve started our journey through the New Testament, completed some massive projects, and even started a new class focused on the Sermon on the Mount, which I’m really excited about. All of that has been incredible, but the biggest thing I want to focus on is the personal growth I’ve seen in myself recently.

Within the past week, I had to take a step back from a friendship that I thought would last a lifetime. To be honest, it has been so, so, so hard. It feels like the world in my life has kind of zoned out. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had these messy conversations with the Lord - moments where I didn’t understand why this was happening. For the first time in my life, I’ve been angry with God. It’s been a really challenging season, yet in the middle of all that chaos…I’ve discovered an overwhelming sense of peace.

As I sit here alone with my thoughts, there’s a worship song called Nothing Else by Cody Carnes that has been playing in the background. As I’m listening to the lyrics, he sings:

“I don’t want anything else but Your presence.
I don’t want anything else but Your heart.
I don’t want anything else but You, Jesus.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship.
I’m coming back to what it’s all about—just You, Jesus.
Take all the stuff. I don’t care. I don’t want it.
Just You, Jesus. Nothing else will do.”

I remember sitting alone in my room this time last year and feeling so incredibly alone. On paper, everything looked perfect. I had great friends, I was working my dream internship, and everything on the outside looked polished and professional. On the inside, I was dying.

The Lord has been so gentle, patient, and kind. I remember getting to the point where, for the first time, I said, “I don’t want anything else but You, Jesus. Take all the stuff. I don’t care. I don’t want it.” Now, a year later, I’m sitting alone in my room again. But this time, I’m almost on the verge of tears because I’m so happy with myself. I’m proud of myself, and I can feel the gentleness of the Lord.

I don’t feel alone anymore.

I guess my whole point, as I’ve been rambling all over the place, is pretty simple: This year has changed my life. It’s been hard. I’ve given up a lot. I’ve lost opportunities. I’ve missed out on things. I’ve even lost friends. Yet, I remember an invitation that was given to me before I became a Christian. Someone told me: “Following Christ will cost you.

Following Christ will cost you.

But the reward is His presence.

And honestly?

That’s enough.

See you next month.

Love,

Peyton

Embracing the Reality of Being Present

10 weeks until fellow ends. 10 weeks!! When Ashley said this at our round table this past Wednesday, I couldn't believe the words coming from her mouth. I grazed my eyes around the room, deeply looking at every fellow. A smile took up upon my face as I recounted everything we did this past year. From the first day of awkward encounters to this moment on the couch feeling so connected and loved. I could not stop thinking of how God has been shaping all of us in his unique way. To think that this year went by so quickly; It feels like it just started. Soon it will be us all at the lake house soaking in as much time before we embark on our own adventures into the unknown (some known). I wonder often what this year would have looked like if I wasn’t in the fellow’s program. Where would I have gone, what would my job have been and how many new friends would I have encountered along the way. Every little moment I get to spend with you guys is a moment I know I won't have for too long. Especially when May comes around and I either get the job I'm applying for (if it's in God’s will) or I move home for the summer to figure out what's next. I know Raleigh will forever hold a place in my heart. 

 I was talking with the lady I worked for, over last summer, and she was mentioning me coming back out this summer to help upload her TV shows to YT and 3 other famous painters shows as well. They of course would be paying me to do this and the experience I would gain would be crucial for my future in the art world. Colorado spring has a special place in my heart, and I constantly think about it from time to time. I miss the mountains (not the pathetic ones we have here in NC (to think they are even called mountains, what a joke). The community and overall vibe of the area was also what gained my attention and the warm weather to the cold brisk nights. I want to say Raleigh is the home for me but as of now it doesn't feel like that. Yes, I've made community not only with the fellows but with some of the young adults in the church and this too will be hard to leave. I went to the young adults Ministry trivia night tonight and on my way out I met two girls also heading to their car. I had a brief conversation with them, and they said they were just trying to find a new home church in which I replied, “Home is not where church is, home is with God wherever you go”. It got me thinking on my way home in the car that no matter where I go, God will lead me towards his will. It could in Boone, NC or across the US. But I’m taking the time to allow myself to sit in these few moments and spaces I have left with you fellow fellows.

 So, when I ask you about your day, don't just say it was good but allow me to witness into how it was good. I want to deeply understand you even more than I do now. I don't want to leave the program feeling like, “I should have gotten to know them better”. I want to leave knowing you guys to the fullest. God has allowed us to truly embrace each other in so many ways and so my hope is in these next 10 weeks that we can embrace this deeper understanding of what it means to truly know thy brother and sister, the way Christ knows us. And when goodbyes are said that they won't be known as goodbyes but in actuality, “See you later”.

To what we have left,

Tyler Brantley

Four Things I learned/ loved in February!

February is the month of loveee and Lent. Here are four things that I’ve learned, was thinking about, or that I was loving (or all three!)

• For one lets start with a little Lent and loving combo. I deeply enjoy the liturgical calendar and get excited to participate in it. I am reading a Lenten devotional called “Bread and Wine” that has daily readings from a variety of authors that I also read last year. It is just so rich with wisdom. I am also reading a book called “Lent” by Esau McCaulley. It had a quote that I think is such a beautiful reminder: “The joy of the Lord is not a ticket to be purchased by our fasts.” Just loving that.

• I loved all of our Galentines festivities. On Valentine's Day, the gal fellows had a night of crafting, eating, and spending time together talking about things we love, and it was just so sweet. I also got to have two of Iris’s Valentine’s menu items, the Strawberry Matcha and the Miso Mocha Latte.

• I am loving and learning all about needlepointing. Thank you to my friend Caroline Crist, who so kindly wandered our local Needlepoint.com store to get me started on my needlepointing journey. I have so far needlepointed a rainbow trout, and I am currently working on the background (using a scotch stitch, might I add.) I have been loving this new creative outlet of mine and can’t wait to start more projects!

• I learned that I learn better through tonal memory than verbal memory. At our Career Calling and Vocation retreat, we learned what our results from our motivation and learning tests mean. I always thought I learned better by reading, but it turns out I learn better when I can hear something and take notes. Cool stuff.

All in all, I had a lovely February, and I hope you did too.

xoxo,

Jackie

The Never-Ending, Yet Gone-Too-Soon February

Welcome to February’s blog! Here I write, exhausted from a month that was jam-packed with so many major events, yet in reflection, it flew by. I could easily sit here and give you a play-by-play, and honestly, I do think it’d be interesting (maybe just to me), but instead of that, I feel the call draw near to an overwhelming sense of gratitude as I exit February.

This program has so much to offer me. It can feel overwhelming at times, and this month, especially, there was so much to absorb, and still I am very grateful for it. Career and calling retreat left me feeling rich in knowing more about myself, how the Lord views success, and calls us to mobilize change in our community. Our classes, where we learned about finances, professional development, and writing our genograms (WOOF), and much more, all held so much and opened doors for even more exploration.

The genogram was really challenging for me. I had to step out of my comfort zone, in fear and in knowing that the Lord was actively carrying me through. I’m grateful for a strong support system, especially the fellows for seeing me, praying for me, and cheering me on as I did hard things this month. I am also grateful for Ashley and for how she knows just the right moments to push you more when she knows what you’re capable of. I am grateful for a community that calls me higher.

Obviously I’m grateful for Simas. He threw me the best birthday party EVER, cooking for about 30 people and roping all his roommates and my bestie Emma in to help in whatever ways they could. I felt so cared for and loved. To sit at a long dinner table amongst the people that I love so much, eat food that was delicious and made with love, and revel in the ways the Lord has shown me his tender love for 23 years was exactly what my soul needed. I weep when I think about it, especially Simas’ wipeboard that had his cooking plan that started at NOON. Anyways, he’s awesome, and has shown up for me so well.

I am grateful for my friends. I went wedding dress shopping with Emma, Ellia, and Ava, and to my surprise, found my dress at Anthropologie! And I bought it, thanks mama! (check that off the wedding to-do list). What a rush, and thank GOD because I could not keep shopping. But for real, my friends and my mom are the best, and I am again just overwhelmed with gratitude for how they show up and celebrate me.

My sweet fellow girlies as well <3 thank you for making my music video dreams come true! For real, I love these girls more and more every day. Women’s retreat breathed air into my lungs. I love girlhood and the precious time I get with these six girls.

Gratitude! My cup overflows. May the Lord remind me of this daily.

Thanks for reading, until next time.

Carsyn Gilmore

Where There's a Will #6

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.” - John 15:15 NLT

This idea of God wanting to be my friend has been prevalent since the very beginning of Fellows. In September at our orientation retreat, we were told that we would be rooted in John 15. In October when we had men’s retreat our focus was on John 15 and what it looked like to have intentional and intergenerational male friendships. Even as recently as Ash Wednesday service, Hayes prayed over me that I would know and realize that God is my friend. Then I got to lead roundtable and reflect on our time reading Abba’s Child. This conversation reminded me of the Lord’s intentionality and how I need to draw near to Him!

Recently, I have seen how God shows His friendship to me through my male friendships.

Two of my good friends from college, Michael Allen and Tristan Gentile, had the idea of getting together every other week and just hanging out. This idea comes with a group chat of around ten people and whoever can show up does and it has been so good. Being able to get together with this group to reflect, laugh, and get away from the business and routine that we all get stuck in sometimes.

This past weekend, I got to go up to Boone on Friday and see a lot of my good friends from college and hang out for the night. On my way out of town, I got to stop in and have lunch with my YoungLife area director, August Short. I made my way down to Asheville on Saturday to celebrate my good friend Henry Peterson’s engagement! This night specifically felt like I was back in college hanging out with these guys at the Cabin. Then I got to come back to Raleigh and have guy’s night with the Fellows!

It has been so sweet to be able to reflect on these nights and realize that Jesus is sitting by the fire with us at Michael’s, He is sitting beside us as we share meals all around Boone, He is sitting with us in the hot tub in Asheville, and He is listening to us while we talk at LBC.

Sam Crutchfield said last night, “You can’t make old friends.” I am so glad to be able to say that these friends I have now are going to be my old friends one day. Being reminded that the Lord wants to be my friend helps me realize just how good my friends are and to that I say… THANKS BE TO GOD

-Will Brown

Raleigh Fellows Swag

CCVR

Jasper

Valentine's Day!

Future Raleigh Fellows! and Beau

The Peterson's!!

hey again

Oh hi! It’s Hailey and I’m so glad to be writing to all of the blog readers, IN THE SUN. Currently, I’m sitting on the back porch and the sun is shining right on my face and i’m watching Maggie Miedema (dog) sun bathing as well. Looking back at the beginning of the month, I cannot believe we were at Career Calling Vocation Retreat? That feels like it was months ago. Anyways! I was reading a devo this morning from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Day by Day, and it shocked me how perfect it was for wrapping up February; the month of learning about ourselves more and more and being better stewards of the gifts the lord has given us. 

Scripture: Psalm 139: 13-16

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place, 

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be. 

Devotional: Written by Parker Palmer 

Vocation does not come from a voice "out there" calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice "in here" calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God. 

It is a strange gift, this birthright of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it- and I think I am not alone. There is a Hasidic tale that reveals, with amazing brevity, both the universal tendency to want to be someone else and the ultimate importance of becoming one's self. Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: Why were you not Moses? They will ask me: Why were you not Zusya?"

When thinking about Psalm 139, I directly correlate it to beauty/the flesh because that's all that I have seen it correlated with online, in political discussions, and amongst girls in bible study. But the truth is that the God that created my flesh is pleased beyond measure with who I am as a soul and what gifts I bring to the table; all that he created me to be. 

I am still, and probably forever will be, chewing on the results I was given from the tests I got to take for the Carrer Calling Vocation Retreat and all of the information I got from family interviews that went into writing my (30 page by accident) Genogram paper. But the Lord designed me in these ways: to have my story, to have my gifts, to have my unique view of who God is in my life, and to be made aware of how I can use all of it to be a living sacrifice in the exact way Hailey Cook is supposed to be. 

Top 5 songs of the month:

Oughta See You (The Way I Do)- Flatland Cavalry

Alleycat- Mumford & Sons 

Icarus- Mumford & Sons, Gigi Perez 

Jesus, My Brother- Live by Mission House 

Everything Harry Styles has ever released. Getting ready for the BIG DAY FRIDAY!!!!

See you again soon (with a new Harry Styles album and even more sun than now)!!!

-Hailey Cook