Where There's a Will #5

“22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” - Galatians 5:22-23

This scripture is from an examen exercise that we were given this month to pray and look over.  Examen allows us to slow down and pay attention to the life we have been living. This lets us feel the growth in discernment in God’s presence and what draws us toward a life of following Jesus and what draws us away.

In the past couple of weeks/months, I have been trying to recruit some of my friends from App to come be a part of the Raleigh Fellows program next year. While I was telling them about the program and the things that I have been doing, I began to reflect on what I was doing a year ago when I was in their shoes. Having the practice of examen to think back and pray over the last few months as a Fellow and the last year that I have been committed to be a Fellow made talking about the program so much easier. Getting to look back over the last year of my life and seeing how the Lord has shown up in various ways has been awesome to see. Especially when it comes back to things like my last semester of college, my last summer in Boone, and all the firsts that come with being a Raleigh Fellow. Experiencing the fruits that the Holy Spirit has been producing from the above verse has been so sweet. I can’t wait for those guys I got to help recruit to Raleigh and get to taste the fruit themselves!

The month of January has brought plenty of love, joy, peace and goodness into my life. Our trip to Nicaragua gave me an abundance of this fruit. I am not going to get into the details about the trip, but I am sure you can read everybody else’s blog for Nicaragua content. I can’t believe the first month of the year has already come and gone, but I can’t wait to keep reflecting on it and all the things coming up!

-Will Brown

Beach Day

Van Ride

Sweet Kids in La Fortuna

Ruby's Prayer House

Spider-Man

Snow Day Legos

Salsa Fresh

Gabi Bday

Morgan's January

Hey everyone! This month had to have been more than 31 days…it truly felt like a lifetime! No complaints though, it was full of so many wonderful new things. We started off in Nicaragua where I met up with everyone at the Miami Airport. I loved seeing everyone again after we had been apart for so long. Nicaragua was life-changing in more ways than I can count. La Fortuna opened my eyes to the Lord working in fresh and unexpected ways. I was fortunate enough to experience a new culture and community that welcomed us with open arms. The memories we made there will stay with me for the rest of my life. We also used part of our time in Nicaragua to explore other areas of the country. The lagoon was truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been and easily one of my favorite days.

Life in Raleigh has been slow but also very busy since returning. I learned to ice skate for starters (thank you Anna, Peyton, and Hailey for making this possible). I spent last weekend snowed in binge watching Star Wars with my host mother, the one and only Maddy Ritter, and then last night I watched a hockey game with my host father, Cameron Ritter. Their giant TV has changed my life, I don’t know how I’ll ever go back, I am obsessed.

February holds a lot of unknowns ahead. There have been some unexpected changes that came up at the end of January, and a lot has been up in the air because of it. Praying that this month I can find clarity and joy in all the moments it has to offer!

-Morgan

Time is flying...

Oh January, how you have flown by.

I was working on a newsletter for work just the other day and had to pause when I typed “February’s Edition…” - it felt wrong somehow. Like we were opening Christmas gifts just last week. I have this desire for life to slow down, to have the capacity to fully live in the blessing of each hour of every single day. And yet, if I’m completely honest, I so often don’t want that. I feel the tension of not wanting my Fellows year to end, while also feeling the ache of waiting for something new to begin.

Most nights, that waiting shows up quietly. It looks like lying in bed…mentally running through questions I don’t have answers to yet.

Where will I live?
Who will I live with?
Do I bank on the Hurricanes to offer me a full-time position?
Will I live in Raleigh - gosh, I hope so. At least…I think I hope so.

There are so many unanswered questions lingering in the back of my mind, yet I’m still called to live in the moment…right? I feel like Peter in the book of Matthew when he steps out onto the water, sees the wind, and cries out, “Lord, save me!” I’m taking steps in faith, and I even know the Lord is there. I know He has something good for me - whatever that may look like - so why do I still feel that same doubt Peter felt?

If the Lord were standing right in front of me, would I still doubt? Probably. But why?

Okay - deep breath. That got pretty heavy, so let’s have some fun with the rest of this blog.

January has been insane. Spoiler alert: I traveled to Nicaragua with my fellow Fellows and saw a glimpse into a world I quite frankly didn’t know existed. Naturally, I knew that life looked tremendously different outside of the United States, yet I’m convinced it’s impossible to really understand until you see it with your own eyes. Until you feel the embrace of a hug from a child who seemingly has nothing, yet still has joy.

Not temporary spurts of dopamine, but joy - real, rooted joy. It was beautifully painful in the best way.

I also experienced my first flight and let me tell you - airplanes are cool. 10/10 recommend.

Hockey season is in full swing, and ya boy got a promotion - woohoo! It’s kind of wild how the Lord works. I had fully anticipated asking my boss if she’d be okay with me shadowing her sometime soon (something I’ve done in the past), and before I could even ask, I was invited to step into a temporary role that closely resembles her own.

The technical term is “Stage Manager,” which essentially means helping run the show. I wear a headset and hear every single second of every planned moment throughout the night - every cue, every transition, every adjustment in real time. It’s fast-paced, intense, and honestly…pretty awesome.

Will this turn into a full-time job? Who knows. Like I said earlier…so many unanswered questions.

But at the center of all of this, while yes, I’m incredibly grateful and excited about the promotion, where I saw the Lord the most was in how celebrated I felt. The entire Canes Crew, along with other staff members and even fans, have shared such kind words and encouragement. In a season full of uncertainty, feeling genuinely known and supported has meant more than I can put into words.

So yes - there are still so many unanswered questions.
Yet in all of this, I still say: Thanks be to God.

-Peyton Odum

the hills are alive with the sound of music

Oh hey! It’s Hailey Cook. Lovely to see you here.

A practice we have been implementing more intentionally this month due to Spiritual Formation with Mary has been daily examen. Examen is mostly meant to be practiced daily; looking at the day just lived and looking forward to the day to come. Thought I would do a brief monthly examen- for myself, yes, but I realized that’s what the blog basically is so just a fun new set up.

1.     Become aware of the presence of God. Look at the month with God’s eyes and not merely my own.

2.     Give thanks! The month just lived is a gift from God. Be grateful for it!

This month was full, fun, educating, humbling and restorative. Some things that stand out are being in Nicaragua, new work and movement happening with the new job I took for the spring & summer, Harry Styles coming back, skating at the Lenovo Center with Morgan & Peyton, enneagram class, exploring my enneagram some more, tried Pho for the first time, Iris lattes, wearing my sweaters, getting snowed in with the Miedema’s and Reagan, and this weekend getting snowed in with the Miedema’s and my friend Madison who came and visited for the weekend! Lord, Thank you!

3.     Review the month. What brought me closer to God? When did I feel resistance to God?

Closer: Community during snow days. It was so sweet to get time with the Miedema’s and friends during that time. Rest! I feel like we started off the year strong with a whole international trip and it was easy for me to come back and feel like I needed a bit of rest already and I’ve gotten that this past week with snow days. Reading A Shepheard Looks at Psalm 23 still! So good. Keeping up with friends and family better and schedule feeling a lot less daunting than last semester. Roundtable- like always. Having restorative conversations and making room for the Lord in the midst of my weaknesses.

Resistance: In my mornings. I want to be going to bed at an earlier time to get more unrushed time with the Lord in the mornings. My phone! I really dislike how everything seems to be revolving around having it on me all the time. Just a bad time holder honestly. There were some instances and there always will be where I question and wonder where God is in it. Cool to see how He shows himself but definitely harder in the moment. There was a few of those this month!

4.     Face my shortcomings. Honestly look at what is wrong in my life and in me. Ask for forgiveness.

A few in particular stand out to me that I have shared with the fellows.

-I want to be a person that can easily envision myself with a good and sweet future. I want a home, a community that is sweet, a Church that is wise and supportive and awesome, etc. And I feel like I have that in Raleigh! The Lord wants to do really sweet things for me, and I want to be more confidently accepting of the invitation He is giving me.

-I want to work from my rest naturally and not rest from my work. I wake up and automatically think “what do I have to do today/how much time do I have until the next thing/how are all of these things going to get done today?” all normal questions but I want to naturally run to the Lord in the mornings before running towards my to-do list.

5.     Look forward to the month to come! Ask God where I need Him in the month to come.

I’m so eager to see what the Lord does with February! Personally, February is just a bit harder for me and that just the reality, but there is hope and newness in it all also. I’m looking forward to the retreats we have for fellows, getting to be with the fellows more, celebrating small things (hoping to get super good at this), creating space for some ease in a morning routine with God, getting back into classes, going back to neighbor-2-neighbor, galentines and wayyyy more. Lord, be with me. Teach me and open my eyes in new ways you see fit for the month.

Top 5 songs of the month (cannot forget)

-Aperture- Harry Styles. No other way to start off this list

-Me and I- Abba

-Day For Singing- Mission House. But honestly just the whole Family Nights Vol. 2 Album

-Another Saturday Night- Sam Cooke

-December, 1963 (Oh What a Night!)- The Four Seasons

So long, Farewell! (I’m watching The Sound of Music)

Tyler's January: A Month of Return

I can’t believe January has already slipped away. It feels unreal how quickly time moves—one moment it’s New Year’s Day, and the next the month is already behind us. Time really does fly when life is full, meaningful, and moving.

We began the year in Nicaragua, spending a week at a breathtaking compound that I can only describe as Eden from Genesis. Our first day was at the beach, where the waves were massive and humbling in the best way. The following days were spent in the village, working alongside locals to pour concrete, build beds for families, distribute food, and pray with and over the community. The experience was deeply eye-opening. I often find myself revisiting the photographs I took during the trip—though many remain unedited. For now, it doesn’t feel like the right moment to return to them. Some images need time before they’re fully processed, both creatively and personally.

January also brought a new chapter professionally. I was offered a full-time position at Strawbridge Studios Inc., and I’m incredibly grateful for the stability and consistency this role brings. I’ve quickly grown comfortable with my coworkers, sharing meaningful conversations even in the middle of the rush season. While my commute is about thirty minutes, I’ve come to value that early morning time—listening to podcasts around 6:45 a.m. and watching the sunrise unfold has become a quiet, grounding ritual.

Looking ahead, February appears to be retreat-heavy, with the possibility of snow days sprinkled in. I’m genuinely looking forward to slowing down, body sledding, maybe even making snow cream, and growing closer with the other fellows. I also hope to be more intentional about capturing moments with people—including myself. As a photographer, it’s easy to forget that being present in the frame matters just as much as standing behind the camera.

This post may be shorter than usual, but January itself felt that way—brief, restorative, and necessary. It was a month marked by recovery, rest, and reconnection: with others, with my work, and with myself. Sometimes, that’s more than enough.

MG's January - We're So Back

Hello everyone!!

January has been a full one - from warm Nicaraguan summer to cold NC snow days, I feel like we’ve seen it all! But it feels good to be back with the fellows doing all the fellows things.

This month has been one of new intentions and new self discoveries, aand a lot of days of cancelled class and free hours to ponder and slow down and be out of routine.

One of the catalysts for my self reflection has been our Enneagram classes. I’ve been a diehard fan of the Enneagram since high school and have identified as a type 9 for many years, but it’s been a while since I’ve gone back to the Enneagram with the intention of growth. However, a lot of new things have popped up for me during this time, and since I’m sure the fellows are sick of me talking about it, I’m going to brain dump all of my thoughts and feelings about it here:

• Over the last few years, I’ve worked on voicing my opinion & being more comfortable with conflict (a struggle for 9s), but recently I’ve realized how much the “spiritual sloth” of the 9 is still so present in my life. It looks a lot like falling asleep to my inner needs, lacking intrinsic motivation to do the things I want to do, and devaluing my own thoughts and experiences. This was both validating and discouraging, knowing that there is still much inner work to do!

• What felt really helpful has been learning more about the connecting points on the enneagram, and how to use those to tap into other characteristics to pull myself out of my “nine-ness”. Nines are connected to Threes and Sixes, and can exhibit negative qualities of those types, but also pull from their strengths. For example, when I’m feeling stuck, I can tap into the 3’s drive and ambition or the 6’s planning and intentionality, and “act out of” those numbers. Because 3s are in the heart triad, and 6s are in the head triad, connecting with those numbers can also balance out my gut/body instinct and allow me to be more well-rounded, and therefore more in touch with myself.

• Some ways I am working on incorporating this to get unstuck in my inner life:

  • Self-care: spending more time & energy on self-care. Pulling from the 3 and seeing my image and well-being as a worthwhile investment, not a burden.

  • Planning & tracking goals: I always saw myself as a more go-with-the-flow person when it comes to my goals and ambitions, but I’m seeing my need to pull from the 6 and 3 to figure out what I really want out of life and put a plan in place to get it! I’m doing monthly audits to check in on different areas of my life regularly, celebrate small wins, and reorient my mind to the big picture. This feels more refreshing and exciting than I thought it would, and I’m building the muscle of regularly working toward long term hopes and dreams!

There’s definitely more, but I’m trying to start with small changes, to be 2% better every day! Stay tuned for a February update!

With love, Maddie Grace :)

What a Way to Start the New Year.

January is a month that usually feels like it doesn’t really exist; however, this January in particular was such a whirlwind of so many things that it truly felt like a dream.

I started off this month (and new year) with friends at the beach in St. Augustine. It was a cold and windy but sunny NYE that consisted of spike ball, beach karaoke, walking touch football in the sand, watching fireworks on the beach (and the spider parade of smoke that they leave behind), a random Irish Pub, playing imposter, eating 12 grapes under the table at midnight (I only managed 6), and quality time with some people I really love.

On New Year's Day, I flew back to Raleigh for one full day before we headed off to Nicaragua. I had never been to Central America, so I was super excited to have the chance to travel there. It is a beautiful tropical paradise marred by poverty and brokenness. Driving from the airport to our lodgings, we saw streets lined with colorful metal trees, which I thought might just be a fun artist's contribution to the city. However, we later learned that the President’s wife is involved with witchcraft, and the trees are a symbol of her dictatorship and the authoritarian rule of the government.

There were some really wonderful parts of our trip, like surfing in the Pacific Ocean, the hospitality of the Buzbee family, swimming in the pool as the sun set, celebrating Reagan’s birthday, Tajin on everything (iykyk), the prayer room, ziplining, waterslides, and the Laguna. There were also the most incredible, strong, feisty, silly, and sweet little girls in the community of Los Fortunas, where we went to serve, who were a joy to be around. They ran that town, literally and figuratively.

There were also some really difficult parts of the trip, like being made aware of the lack of clean water, accessible education, waste-management infrastructure, and the safety of girls and women in most communities. In my time as a Raleigh Fellow, I have become more aware of the world's hard, broken parts, now including parts of Nicaragua. I have found that being faced with this brokenness has moved me into a posture of greater awareness of my own and the world's. This grief would be impossible to bear without the knowledge of the victory of Christ over sin and death. I still have many feelings to process about my inability to make the world perfect (Enneagram 1 saying hello) and anger toward a government that does not care for its people well. But, if anything, I have been brought to a place of powerlessness that exemplifies my and the world’s desperate need for a savior.

Even though the trip was difficult, I left feeling refreshed, with quality Fellows time, and deeply seen and known by the Lord after receiving some prophetic prayer (I went in soooo sceptical of this, but ask me how it went). We got back to Raleigh super late on a Saturday night after a 5-hour layover in Miami (2 of those hours being spent at the airport Chilis). Sunday night, we enjoyed a youth group silent disco (my first ever) before a Monday morning at Mary Young's house for a Spiritual retreat morning, which was very helpful for processing our time in Nicaragua. Then back to work!

The rest of January was marked by work, the Enneagram, cancelled classes, baking cookies with Maggie Mae, Monday night round table, The Standard and Beows, ice and snow warnings that kept us inside (and made me terrified to lose power… if anyone needs 20 hand warmers let me know), catching a cold, Friday night church, birthday parties, and a fellows gal sleepover. So safe to say… what the heck happened in those 31 days. Despite feeling like a fever dream, it was fun to rest and have a mixed-up, not-as-full schedule that allowed spontaneity and gave me time to read non-fellows books.

I love you all! Thanks for reading and talk to you in February XOXO - Jackie

A peek into beverly's january

It’s your favorite fellow Bevi writing to you from our second weekend in a row of winter weather (during which everyone stays home and cancels everything). Been feeling a bit antsy for a routine, and it doesn’t feel like fellows has actually gotten in full swing yet this semester. We keep having snow days, church and work and RT and neighbor to neighbor and class have all been affected or haven’t really started yet. BUT this made me realize last week how we take our routine and busyness for granted; feel like I’d be complaining if we did have it that I was too busy, and now am complaining without it that things feel off. I guess the conclusion then is to be grateful for this rest and also be grateful when things get back into full swing. 

We started the month with a trip to Nicaragua for a week and it was an extremely rich experience! It really was awesome in so many ways. We spent lots of the week exploring, playing, eating, experiencing life-giving prayer, and resting (ask me how I injured my foot while surfing oops). We also spent time working, getting dirty, experiencing really difficult prayer, and lamenting lots of hard things. Lots to unpack but the trip taught us how to slow down, work out of our rest, pay attention to God, and expand our perspective on almost everything. My summary in my journal says: I saw how great and grand God is, saw what God is doing in Nicaragua and in my heart too, felt His presence and heard Him tell me things to listen to, felt full of the Spirit, learned how rest can lead to work, and learned how to lament poverty and brokenness.

I really enjoyed our daily rhythms of sharing consolations and desolations as a group. One of my top consolations was getting to know some of the little girls in the neighborhood we were in and seeing how they clung to us. One day, we walked around and prayed for families in the neighborhood. It was a very powerful and Spirit-filled day. It was an honor to meet the people there and attempt Spanish to connect, hear their stories, and pray for them. During this, the little girls wanted to follow us and learn from us as we prayed for their neighbors. I’m praying that God used our time together to reveal Himself to those sweet little girls. I’m so grateful for those moments together and for the trip as a whole.

Things since Nicaragua have been a blur, but also super rich. God has been teaching me a lot through some tricky things. I’m learning a lot from Him and also learning about myself through our career assessments and enneagram classes. Stay tuned for next week as we go on our career calling retreat and maybe get some clarity? Also enjoyed our visual prayer time with Pauline and Roundtable about Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. It’s feeling blurry and overwhelming. In Nicaragua I experienced such clarity from the Lord and am trying to learn how to do that more easily while in Raleigh. 

It’s been fun to be back with the fellows and spend time together in Raleigh. So sweet and makes me excited for the fun things this semester. We’ve been going out to eat, playing lots of games, having girls nights, and we went to Gabi’s bday party together and had a slumbie afterward. I’m also grateful for quality time with my mentor Elaina and my host family. 

What’s next? Writing family genogram paper, considering career/future ooo scary, quality time with fellows, and probably more things being stirred up in my mind to learn from. Gonna go eat lunch and look at the snow now! Thanks for reading!

My slow sunday thoughts

We’re back and a month has never gone by faster! January was a wild month - for me it started in my college town seeing my closest friends and then quickly heading to Nicaragua with the fellows. (we’ll be heading back to talk about our trip very shortly) The rest of the month was kind of a jumble of things, mostly surrounding the snow and ice that has been hitting Raleigh. The weather has brought some gifts to me - getting iced in at the Miedema’s with Hailey, getting to truly rest and slow all the way down, walking outside in fresh snow that reminds me of living in Virginia, and having the space to engage my creativity for many hours crafting on my floor. It also has imposed on my month in a couple of ways - cancelling two weekends of my friends coming to visit from college, making it harder to get in routine in Raleigh, and keeping me away from work. (I know this might sound crazy, but I love my job and I missed those days on my latest paycheck) Although inconvenient, the snow offers such beauty that I’m trying to soak up. The quietness our world rarely offers, uninterrupted time to process our trip/enneagram work/a new year starting, an excuse to spend the whole day in my pajamas, real true space to pay attention to my soul and the Lord’s whisper. 

So back to Nicaragua! I know y’all are dying to hear about it and it really was a huge part of my month, including much inspiration to slowwww down. Something about me is that my soul and body really want to live at a slow pace - I am my most real self when I can take my time, be present, breathe, walk slowly on the sidewalk. As soon as we landed in Nicaragua and met Coburn (who led our trip), I realized this pace my soul craves would be satisfied. It was explained that our time there would be a pilgrimage rather than a mission trip which if you are like me prior to the trip, you might be saying “huh what does that mean?”. Coburn explained it as a time to really experience Nicaragua, being able to pay attention to what God had for us, noticing God’s character in the people and places of the country. It was a slower, more holistic model for this type of trip than I had ever heard of or experienced. I loved it!!! We spent the week moving at the pace that I imagine Jesus moved at - easing into the day, stopping to listen and fully be with people, prioritizing playing and delighting, and yet still getting what needed to be done, done. And something awesome happened, my soul was recentered, my eyes were fixed on the heart of Christ. Not because we were working 24/7 with our heads down, but because the people in Nicaragua were open with us by sharing the consolations and desolations of their life, because I got the chance to stare at a volcanic lagoon while eating a pb&j, because I encountered the presence of the Lord in a tiny, tiny town called La Fortuna, and because I woke up in peace and went to bed grateful! 

I could talk forever about the specifics of our trip and how they’ve changed me and brought our group closer, but for now I’ll share what is sticking out to me this morning as I reflect. I’m struck this morning by the story of the thief on the cross next to Jesus in Mark’s gospel. The thief’s place in heaven was secured by one sentence “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” When we were in La Fortuna listening to incredible stories of struggle and faith I was reminded of the boundless ability of the Lord - absolutely filling people far from comfort or stability or even a church with his flowing spirit. What did it take for the thief on the cross to go from hurling insults along with the crowd (Matthew 27:44) to humbly acknowledging that the man next to him was the word made flesh? A short encounter, simply time spent in arm’s distance from him. That’s the power of our God - for you, for me, for the people in a sheet metal, dirt floor home in Nicaragua. All it takes is proximity to his spirit, which reaches to the very ends of the earth, to transform hearts. We are all the thief on the cross, paying the price for our sin until we encounter the one who can wash it all away. 

I hope you’re enjoying the snow and your February 1st, this is what I’m enjoying:

• Taking some fellows & maggie mae to hot pot (picture below)

• Scrapbooking!!

• Rediscovering the enneagram and diving in

• The way the fellows and Ashley celebrated me on my birthday in Nicaragua!

• My new found love for yogurt - solely the brand siggi's

• Watching Hailey be her full self because Harry Styles has returned

• Walking around Shelley Lake

• Ziplining and swimming in Nicaragua, surreal!!!

• Buying an oura ring secondhand - this is two days old I’ll keep you updated

• Life! Just loving it 

Okay bye, I need lunch!!

Xoxo, Reagan

What’s up blog people

Looks like I’m keeping my New Year’s resolution of posting these on time so that Ashely doesn’t kick me out of the program! Coming to you live from my bed while we wait for our second “snowstorm” of the year to come. This crazy weather has led to some really sweet moments and frustrating schedule changes. I am someone who thrives in structure and routine, therefore class being cancelled and remote work days has messed with me getting back into my groove this semester. However, I was able to add an extra day to my annual family ski trip last weekend that really worked out in my favor, especially since Virginia actually got a lot of snow. Made for an awesome pow day!

I mentioned briefly at the end of my last blog that I got engaged! It is true! Simas proposed on December 28th, I said yes and it was the best day ever! He truly thought of everything, planned so intentionally, had my whole family and many friends in on it and they all did INCREDIBLE jobs keeping their secrets from me and making me feel crazy. I don’t even think about the stress of pre-engagement anymore because I am overwhelmed with joy and love from the people around us! With that being said, wedding planning does it exist, and I am trying my best to be productive while not letting it distract me from my fellows experience. These 9 months are precious and deeply important to me. I am learning to hold being both a fellow and a bride— setting the right boundaries with planning while giving myself space to be excited and dream. I am feeling incredibly grateful for the gifts the Lord’s given me in this time and for what’s to come.

Okay wedding stuff DONE. Now I would like for this month’s blog to be a R.E.P.O.R.T.

Reading, Eating, Playing, Obsessing, Recommending, Treating. Let’s go:

R(reading)- Genesis and Gender for Nick’s class. It is a really interesting read so far and I’m excited and intrigued to hear more of our discussions in class.

E(eating)- Ramen, specifically when you’re sick. Unfortanuetly I did fall victim to whatever illness is constantly going around, and last week I barely had a voice. Simas and I went to a ramen resturant after we got home from Virginia and it was perfect.

P(playing)- In the snow / going snowboarding with my family and Simas! We all have the best time on the mountain together.

O(obsessing)- My host family! They are the best best best. We had my bff Emma over for family dinner on Thursday night and we stayed up until 10pm just chatting and hanging. I love how comfortable they’ve made their home feel and how fun it is to me around them. They cheer me on so well.

R(recommending)- Having a slumber party with your besties/fellows. We slept over at Maddie Graces’s house and went to Sola in the morning and it was just the sweetest bonding time with them. My soul needed it!

T(treating)- Buying coffee. It will always be buying coffee for me. Right now the craving is often Iris, iced cherry marzipan latte with oat milk. Or if it’s Jubala, a flat white with almond syrup and of course, oat milk.

That’s all for now folks.

Until next time,

Carsyn

Blog, The Fifth

I recently saw something on Instagram that has stuck with me not just because I found it funny, but it also resonated to a degree.

“If your life was a movie on Letterboxd would your reviews consist of witty one-liners or thought-out expositions?”

The top comment, which read “A witty one-liner with zero likes”, I found quite comedic.

And then I thought, what would my answer be.

For starters, I realized this question was bifurcated to a degree even though most Letterboxd reviews fall into these two categories. I often default to witty one-liner on the rare occasion I watch a movie. But I’m not sure what people would think of my life. I only know what I think of it, which leads naturally into my latest existential crisis.

Lately we’ve been taking some assessments for our career, calling, & vocation retreat and one of the assessments had me recount my biggest accomplishments in life and then rate my feelings about them.

I struggled hard with this one in two facets.

First, I thought to myself what have I actually accomplished. See, we had to answer this question four times and frankly after the first one I was lost for an answer.

Secondly, when rating my feelings on these accomplishments of mine, I had very strong feelings. The categories were very clearly what motivated my accomplishment or very clearly not. I had to answer probably twenty to thirty of these feelings questions per accomplishment, and across all of them, I could only select a ten out of ten a total of six times.

Safe to say I had a lot of nines and zeros.

I think back on all I’ve done in this life and frankly not much stands out, so good thing I have so much more life to live.

Maybe it’s the enneagram 4 in me that notices what’s missing rather than what’s present. I often think of the things I want but don’t yet have or how things can be better.

Something I’ve been trying to practice since our Nicaragua trip and spiritual formation class is presence. I’ve done a poor job the last few days as we’ve been snowed in (or more aptly sleeted in), but since class I’ve been recounting a consolation and desolation from every day just like we did in Nicaragua.

Some highlights (consolations) of January include being affirmed after reading my eulogy, my friend Abigail’s genuine interest and joy in asking me about the trip, my leading of roundtable being coined a success, a resounding Arsenal win against a cocky Inter Milan, and lighthearted conversations with coworkers.

My desolations (which were harder to conjure) included parts of those assessments, the brokenness sin brings into peoples’ lives, and a dramatic Arsenal loss to my least favorite club.

I’ve been reading this book Theo of Golden lately and I haven’t underlined much given it’s a novel. But there was something Theo said which I underlined that I think coins my January well. “…sit still long enough to see what is already there.”

Thank you, Jesus, for opportunities like that this past weekend with the sleet and likely again this coming weekend with the snow. I look forward to sipping on the coffee I recently got that’s sweet like clementines and blackberries or the one I got for Christmas that is still very bright like watermelon bubblegum. 

 Jacob W. Currin

December!

This month has flown by! I can’t believe it’s already 2026, and we’re almost halfway through Fellows! This month has been one of my favorites thus far, filled with so many holiday activities and events. We started off the month strong with Secret Santa, and while it may be biased, I truly believe I had the best Secret Santa (see image one for proof). The group took a trip to Tyler’s work for some holiday pics, and they exceeded every expectation I had. I still can’t get over them. I got to see Peyton at work with the Hurricanes (as pictured). Angus Barn was incredible and absolutely decked out for the holidays. We had our Fellows Christmas roundtable and exchanged gifts <3. We rounded out our classes for the semester and finished up with some presentations. Our teachers and classes were phenomenal this semester, and I truly learned so much. We ended our time in Raleigh with the young adults Christmas party. Litmas lived up to the hype and more. (Time of my life). I spent break at home with family and friends before heading to the Caribbean to go on a cruise with my family! I can’t wait for all of the Fellows to be together again so soon!

(Pictures to come soon after Nicaragua, it’s not letting me add them at the moment)

-Morgan

Back to Decemburrrrrrr

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

December as a fellow felt like such a quick month. I always feel like Christmas time flys by, but that felt especially true this year. We only had three weeks to revel in all of the Christmas magic that Raleigh has to offer, but I think we did a pretty good job.

It snowed! It was so beautiful to be driving on a random Monday night and have snowflakes wizzing by my windshield! The snow here doesn’t really last. That being said, I have been experiencing much colder weather than I am used to. Thank goodness for the heated blanket that keeps me warm!

I am super excited to enter into this next year and second semester of Fellows. I hope the spring is full of intentional time together, more learning, new memories, and lots of fun! I think our trip to Nicaragua will be the perfect start.

-Jackie

very first day of a very new year!

Back again and here to welcome you into the new year!

I’ll level with you, my blog feels hard to write this month. I’m sitting in my old college bedroom about to bring in a new year with people I love dearly and I’ve written and erased many sentences. My past blogs have been somewhat of a monthly review - sharing things I’m loving and the ways I’ve been settling into Raleigh. And maybe it’s because it’s December 31st and I’m also looking back at my entire year, but this month feels too hard to sum up in a couple paragraphs, it seems too simple. Yes of course December was full of so many sweet and eventful things with the fellows, so for awesome pictures and updates of our first couple weeks of the month go check out my fellow fellows blogs!! And yes, my past week and a half of break has been busy and lovely and I’ve spent tons of time with my favorite people, but I might not share details now. Because right now the only thing I can really bring myself to type about on this blank page is how I see the Lord right now. I feel him right with me, he’s sitting next to me as I struggle to get my words written down and he’s holding my hand as my eyes well up from sitting in this room, my room yet not mine.

If you read my November blog you’ll know I have been feeling the Lord stirring a little something in me and honestly this feeling has only intensified over my December. Fellows has only been wonderful to me, holding me safely and treating me kindly - so this stirring is internal, it’s whispering in the deepest quietest part of my soul, gradually rising and consistently getting clearer. God is trying to show me something, he’s wanting me to notice, he’s asking me to let him in. This - this shifting is exactly why I stepped into this program, I needed some examining (and trust me, fellows is fulllll of examining). I was laying in my old bed last night with one of my best friends who lives in there now trying to describe what is occurring in my heart and my head and my soul and my body. First of all, everyone thank Jenny because although none of my words were making sense, she helped me - not necessarily gain clarity, because I’m not really sure that is the point, but pushed me to lean into this season and really truly let the good potter work.

I know I’m using all of this vague language so you might be lost but that’s how you’re finding me, right smack dab in the middle of it all, swimming around in the beautiful mess. I have this picture of me and Christ. We’re sitting in front of a white board and he’s writing and drawing and I’m sitting right there like two friends on the floor. Even though he has the marker and the eraser, we’re doing it together, we’re creating and dreaming together. I sometimes forget this is who my maker is - a creative father who just wants to dream with me, letting my silly ideas have place and value. This is who I know is doing the whispering in my heart, that’s why I’m so sure this is exactly where I’m meant to be, changing exactly the way I’m meant to be changing. Because I know the heart of the father is to make something new out of the mess, it’s against his character to bring this all up and leave me on my own or not have something unimaginably better on the other side. So I'm looking! I’m watching and waiting, alert for the promised better that comes after the already so good.

I know, I know you might be tired of another emotional blog, but these are the truest words I have right now to describe all of the splendid and raw ways I feel the Lord working right at this very moment. Maybe next month I’ll get back to my recap and highlights, but right now I’m busy doodling and making new with my good close friend Jesus!

2025 was surely good to me, I have many hopes for 2026, see ya there!

with love, Reagan.

“Come touch my hands, come touch my side. I’ll show you where they laid me, you’ll see the grave is empty. Cause’ I’m jealous, I’m jealous for you, my heart it burns for you. I came, I died, I gave my life. Cause my heart it burns for you.” 

Lyrics from an Upperroom song that describe how I’m encountering the Lord right now. His heart is aflame for his children, his grave is empty, his hands hold the proof of his goodness! 

beverly's december!

Hello blog, 

Happy new year from (your favorite fellow) Bevi! 

This month I’m a little less clear on what to write about but I’ll figure something out and it might be random. One of the highlights of my month was doing secret Santa with the fellows and “elfing” each other — I LOVE giving and receiving gifts and it was just a silly & fun thing to do as a group. I had the honor of being Ashley’s secret Santa for 17 days and I had so much fun spoiling her with treats, custom Taylor Swift playlists, and lots of little notes. Shoutout Maddie Grace who had me and did such a good job! Also had a lot of fun going to Christmas parties, taking silly Christmas photos with the fellows, and having a girls coloring night.

A crazy part of the month was having work (at a school) canceled for a “snow day” on a clear & sunny 50 degree day. (sorry I am annoying girl from chicago). I mention it because it was a huge blessing; I got to randomly spend the afternoon with my college friend Kendall! 

Speaking of college friends - I miss them! And I’ve been missing the rhythm of having a luxurious college winter break. As fellows we are in a season of life where we are new to being adults and new to having 10 fellows friends in addition to college friends. There are a lot of things that are new this year as our first year out of school. I’m noticing this and learning to have grace with it. I’m also just generally learning a lot from content we’ve been reading.

What I’ve been reading:

• Apostles advent devotional (thank you Elaina and Taylor for letting me steal). Enjoyed this & enjoyed our lectio divina during class on Mary & Joseph’s journey to Bethlehem.

• My family’s “advent book” that we would read as kids throughout advent - brought and shared with host family which was sweet

• “Silence” in Blue Book by Jim Branch - really good!

• Silence, Solitude, and Prayer by Henri Nouwen - really good! I wrote in my journal from this book that the goal of silence is to “neutralize the evil effects of externalism and to make us acquainted with God and our own souls.”

• Abba’s Child - really good! learning to “let go of the impostor lifestyle and freely accept our belovedness as a child of the heavenly Father.”

• Theo of Golden, of course

I might be missing a ton of things but hope you enjoyed! Heading soon to Nicaragua for our service trip!

Blog, The Fourth

Unlike my blogs so far, this one has had no prior thought or initial writings from days beforehand. My December included a lot and honesty I’m struggling to remember all that occurred before our break and with that has come the temptation to only write about my break.

So, without further ado, here’s my break:

My break began with a Saturday family gathering in Greensboro followed by a car ride back with my beloved Arsenal scraping out yet another win.

Sunday began 25 hours in the upstate of South Carolina including…

o   An afternoon/evening with great food, wine, and company (shoutout Lukas, Ian, Sophie, & co)

o   A day with Drew full of breakfast at corner bagel, last minute Christmas shopping, his wife Sydney’s delicious & healthy lunch for us, and watching some afternoon footy

o   Traffic adding an hour to my drive because I can’t have both of treks be timely

Tuesday morning I went back to a coffee shop I used to work at before Therapy and yet another afternoon of Arsenal winning their game. That evening, my family and I played some card games including a new favorite of mine called Flip 7.

We did our Christmas morning on Christmas Eve so that my brother and his wife could get to Winston Salem at a reasonable time for her niece and nephew. I received a long awaited spike ball net, a pair of shoes, a few books, and some great coffees. Since I’m finishing this up the evening I’m publishing it, I don’t have my customary cup of joe to describe for you. I know, sad. Well, one of the coffees I got for Christmas has become a joyful addition to my mornings home with its pronounced note of watermelon bubble gum. I also went to both an 11am and 11pm Christmas Eve service.

Christmas day I saw Marty Supreme and even now I am still waiting for A24 to drop the merch. Watch it happen while we’re in Nicaragua and then sell out.

I don’t remember anything from the 26th and the 27th was full of so much footy, including an Arsenal win. Sunday the 28th was a full day spent my early afternoon at Carsyn and Simas’s engagement party (YAY) before leaving to work a coffee cart at a wedding in Youngsville which was a fun experience with great tips.

I fail to remember much from the 29th (maybe looking at my often empty calendar isn’t my best method), but the 30th consisted of a resounding Arsenal win against an Aston Villa side which are quite unlikeable. That made putting them in their place all the more fun. Oh, wait, I remember more now. After the wedding I had some steaks and a beer with some friends for Ryan’s birthday. I then proceeded to see many of the same people the night of the 29th for a game night which consisted of more Flip 7. The morning of the 30th I went to four different stores before finding a copy of my own to help entertain us in the airport on our trip. I then hung out with more of the same people for new years eve where we rang in the new year with more Flip 7 (I’m seeing a theme), other games, a fire, and a hymn right before the bell tolled.

Well, that brings us up to last night. Today I grabbed a couple donuts to enjoy while I sipped my coffee and cried my eyes out (only kinda) at the Stranger Things finale. I then played some touch football with some people from Apostles before going home to a successful hatewatch of Man City. I then crushed some pizza, listened to the same playlist I’ve been loving (& creating) all break before finishing this. So, where does that leave me? Grateful and full for a very Christmasy Christmas. Lastly, I wanna shout out my secret santa (Reagan Kidd) because she killed it.

Fin.  

Jacob W. Currin

To all my Redlights that will eventually turn Green

Hey, all its ya boi Tyler,

The beginning of break was spent mostly in a car ride from Raleigh, NC - Tyler, TX - Washington, DC (a 44 hr car ride there and back). I spent the better half of the ride sleeping and listening to some good books. “Greenlights” by Matthew McConaughey, “Abbas Child” by Brennan Manning, and currently, “Emotional Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero. I really enjoyed the book on greenlights, for it talked a lot about Matthew’s life and how many situations he had to face that were once seen as red lights (problems in one's life) that eventually turned green.

I spent most of Christmas break at my grandparent’s lake house. Catching up on fond memories and cousins I hadn’t seen in 5 years, too fishing in the lake and snagging a 4-pound bass out of the 11 fish. I really enjoyed getting to catch up on sleep and family time; especially the new episodes for STRANGER THINGS S5. In my opinion, it’s one of the all time best shows I've seen in my lifetime. As of now, I'm currently getting over a cold from the change of weather. Going from 80 degrees to 30’s have taken a toll on me. 

I've missed my time with the other fellows and work mates, but feel this break was a gift given by God that I needed. 

This post is meant to be short. A little on the sweet side but also touching base on the GOOD hard. A hardship that was bound to happen sooner than later. A slap in the face by God's grace. Something that caused me to take the mud off my face and see myself in the way I’ve been treating others. So as you read on “do not”see this as self pity towards me but rather as myself confronting issues that I'm currently facing and recentering myself on a better path.

“Reflections of my past self for the future”

I’ve been taking these past few days to figure out why God brought me to the fellowship.

Was it to finally understand what true accountability was like and how uncomfortable it can be at times, could it be to learn how to tear down the walls I’ve spent years building up to protect myself, only to learn it has been doing more harm to others instead of good, perhaps it’s to learn that I don’t have everything under control. That I need to rely more on God than of my own strength. Maybe even learning to take responsibility for my actions. When one asks you “Why are you here?”, you start to replay the question over and over again in solitary quietness. Listening to God and waiting for a response. A silence that I have been reluctant to truly take. Turning off all the noise in my room, silencing my phone, fasting and allowing myself to hear my thoughts and journal them down.

In a few days we will be taking a mission trip to Nicaragua. My hope while there, is to focus my ears on God's voice more clearly without any distractions of myself, dive deep into what HE’s doing outside of the US and reshape the way my actions can affect others, to slow down to think rather than act quickly.  

This year so far has been a year of tearing down to build myself up into the Man God designed me as. It hasn’t been an easy thing to live through and quite frankly at times I want to run from it. But Jesus did not run from hardships or conflict but rather faced it. That all the redlights he happened to be stopped at eventually turned green, it just took time and time it will take for my case. May He surgically remove all that is in me, not simply heal the symptoms of what is not right in my life, but rather what does not belong to Him. 

To 2026, I look forward to all the hardships I will have to face. That like Iron, one must heat it through fire in order to purify the imperfections.

Where There's a Will #4

I come before the Lord with Joy

for I was once navigating through the fog

His unwavering love has brought me to the light

A familiar friendship waiting for me

for I was once navigating through the fog

I will give thanks to the good Father

A familiar friendship waiting for me

I must share the grace of the Lord

I will give thanks to the good father

His unwavering love has brought me to the light

I must share the grace of the Lord

I came before the Lord with Joy

Above is a Psalm of Thanksgiving that I wrote for our final project in our Bible class. It was a good reminder that I need to give thanks to the Lord for everything! December had plenty of things to be thankful for and being able to reflect on them and the first semester of Fellows made this assignment that much easier!

Here are a couple things that happened in December: Holiday Fellows pictures at Strawbridge Studios, Saw the trolls in Dorothea Dix park, a multitude of holiday parties, family dinners with host fam and real fam at our homeland Torero’s, a couple trips to Chapel Hill, tour of the Angus Barn, Elfing each other/Secret Santa, final class projects and presentations, a wonderful dinner at Margaux’s, party bus after the YAM Christmas party, Marty Supreme, Christmas!, Stranger Things, and of course the John Wall Holiday tournament.

I can’t believe that 2025 is coming to an end but at the same time I can’t wait for what 2026 has in store!

Fellows + Santa

Trolls + MM

Fellowsgiving

Angus Barn

LITMAS

Coach Cal!

hailey just wrapped it up

Oh hi blog. I give you my personal wrapped and a group wrapped from my POV.

December is weird (not bad) and different than the other months. Generally speaking that’s how it always has been for me and I know a lot of people feel similarly. I don’t have much words to touch on that, hints why I put all of the things in the format below, but I’ve been feeling that weirdness this month in all transparency. In Raleigh and at home! As of right now, i’m missing the heat, swimming in rivers and lakes, fishing, ice cream in the summertime, Apostles (I don’t have a home Church in my hometown, so it’s been funky in that realm this break) and other things. And also as of right now, I’m enjoying walks in the cold, coziness of my bed, target runs with my mom, my cat betty, a sweatpants and sweatshirt moment, seeing some friends, having some hot coffees and other things.

There’s a lot missing not mentioned but here are some of the bits and pieces.

The fellows are reading Abba’s Child this break and I just read this tonight. Sendoff prayer to you my blog readers from Fredrick Buechner! “Turn around and believe that the good news that we are loved is better than we ever dared hope, and that to believe in that good news, to live out of it and toward it, to be in love with that good news, is of all glad things in this world the gladdess thing of all. Amen, and come Lord Jesus.” Behold what love can do, He is making all things new right in front of our eyes. I’m alllll good.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Hi! MG here again (so you don't have to scroll to the bottom and see whose entry this is)!

I can't believe December is almost over! This month has been a little scary, given the fact that we are undeniably through the first semester of fellows. As quickly as time has flown, I can't believe how much has happened in these past few months and how much I have changed.

At the same time, I'm starting to feel the effects of the things that have been pushed aside for now to make space for fellows. I've been missing my creative outlets, something I didn't notice until Christmas rolled around and I didn't have the space, capacity, or time to do the crafting or creating I typically enjoy. While it's been hard to feel like my time is limited for random things like this, it also has been giving me hope for my life post fellows. As the light at the end of the tunnel becomes more and more real, I've been delighted to find many things that I'm looking forward to incoporating and reintroducing into my life. Even things like cooking and traveling, which are not typically that important or vital for me, have become things I am excited to do again after the program.

Luckily, I'm a HUGE fan of “seasons”, both in nature and in life, and this year especially has allowed me to lean into the blessings and challenges of different seasons. There's something so hopeful in this finite season of fellows, something sweet knowing that these things are only for a short time.

I recently received two books for seasonal prayers. One from Ashley called “Circles of Grace”, a book of blessings for the seasons (instead of To Bless The Space Between Us, as I already had it and love it). The other is one I saw at Mary Young's house and asked for for Christmas, called "The Celtic Wheel of the Year”, Celtic and Christian seasonal prayers. I love all things liturgy and seasons, and I'm so excited to continue to dive into these books and allow them to guide me through all that is to come in 2026.

Here is a quote from Circles of Grace, part of a prayer called "Blessing the Way":

With every step you take, this blessing rises up to meet you. It has been waiting long ages for you. Look close and you can see the layers of it, how it has been fashioned by those who walked this road before you, how it has been created of nothing but their determination and their dreaming… Look closer and you will see this blessing is not finished, that you are part of the path it is preparing, that you are how this blessing means to be a voice within the wilderness and a welcome for the way.

So long story short I'm acknowledging all the things that don't have a place in my life this year, but will be blessings in future seasons, as well as embracing the blessings of this fellows year, which is not finished yet. It sounds so vague but it's so helpful for realigning my priorities while I'm in fellows. The people I'm learning from, the books I'm reading, and community I'm spending so much time with, are actively changing me and preparing my heart for all the blessings of the next season. But that season isn't here yet, and honestly thank God. I have too many sweet things to soak up until then!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love, Maddie Grace