hailey marched

Today I was looking at past blogs of mine to maybe start posting them to my LinkedIn because Will Brown has influenced me to. Anyways! I was looking at the one I posted last month, and while it felt very perfect for February, it feels sweet to know just a fragment of how the Lord was going before me into March. I’ll go into more detail after you read the scripture and sentence from my blog that stuck out to me as I reread.

“Psalm 139: 13-16… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 

It is a strange gift, this birthright of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it.”

During my time at the silent retreat, I walked through the first 5 stations of the cross in “An Invitation to Walk With Christ” by Ruth Haley Barton. Station 5 in her booklet is Simon helping Jesus carry his cross. I felt super inclined to just sit there at station 5; in my reflection of my time there, I wrote “forgive me of my proud self-sufficiencies and for the ways in which they wall me off from you and others around me.”  This station was hard for me to chew on as I find myself striving for self-sufficiency and deny help for the sake of my independence.

This week, Holy Week, wouldn’t exist if we had a self-sufficient Christ. Holy Week exists only because we have a humble Christ. Christ who also was needy for God. Christ accepted his gift. His birthright of self. And obviously it turned out to be even more demanding than attempting to just shortcut and be someone else to get around all of the troubles. He didn’t go around it, and after it all, He is still being my patient Shepherd while I’m one of his sheep still rolling in my mud puddle of self-sufficiencies.

This was my God sighting that I shared at roundtable tonight. He went before me in March and showed me just a snippet of how! Maybe this is a midnight unformed thought to the reader, but it was super sweet for me to write it.

Top 5 songs of the month:

Taste Back- Harry Styles (beautiful)

American Girls- Harry Styles (magical)

Are You Listening Yet?- Harry Styles (inspirational)

Love Takes Miles- Cameron Winter (cameron Winter overlaps into the 3 other seasons btw)

A Pirate Looks At Forty- Jimmy Buffett (spring is here and summer is after that. get to listening)

Putting this in at the end just to tell all readers about a fun day I had this month! On Palm Sunday I went to Church and Served at Roots, for the first time ever, at 9am and then joined in for the 11am service after. To say I had fun in Roots is too weak of a statement. It was awesome. After Church I went to have lunch with my mentor, Emily, at her house with her family. I was there for 3 hours- they are incredible and fun people. And then that night the Miedema’s had some family and friends over and we watched the UConn v Duke game and ate good food. All this to say I am so thankful for the opportunities I have and the people I get to hangout with all because I took a chance on Raleigh, NC. Cool stuff. Talk soon!

-Hailey Cook

Called, Not Settled

Five weeks. That’s all we have left in this program. Guys, what a time it has been. Who would’ve thought these months would fly by so quickly?

Now that it’s spring, I’ve found myself in awe of how green everything is becoming. Getting off work while it’s still light out—actual sunlight—feels like a gift. Being able to enjoy the evenings a little longer, to watch the sunset, to see the stars… it’s something I don’t take for granted. Even with the weather being all over the place—80 one day, 34 the next—it’s a reminder of how alive everything is.

More than anything, it’s been a blessing from God to get to know each of you over these past few months. He gave us the opportunity to experience something really special—something intentional. Every retreat, every conversation, every late night—none of it was by coincidence. It was all in His timing. The fact that our paths crossed the way they did is something only He fully understands, but I believe it will continue to make more sense in the years ahead.

As for what’s next, I’m honestly not sure. The job I thought I’d be stepping into full-time didn’t turn out the way I expected. Deep down, I knew around February—after the vocational calling retreat—that it wasn’t where I was meant to stay long-term. Something in me kept saying, “You can do better.”

I was also disappointed that the housing situation didn’t work out the way I had hoped. But looking back, I see how that may have been a blessing in disguise. It felt like God was reminding me, “Tyler, you’re not bound here. You’re free to go where I’m calling you.”

That doesn’t mean I won’t miss Raleigh—I absolutely will. My hope is to come back in the fall with a full-time job I genuinely enjoy and can grow in. But ultimately, I’m learning to hold those plans loosely and trust that God is the one opening and closing doors.

I’ve talked a lot about Colorado—and honestly, I can’t shake the feeling that I might be called there. It’s been on my mind constantly, and after this past summer, I miss it even more. So I’m exploring opportunities out there, looking at jobs, and trying to get a sense of what life could look like.

For now, the plan is to move back to DC for a season, save up, and spend time with my family. It’ll be a change, but a good one. Being able to see my parents and brothers regularly again is something I’m really looking forward to.

I know we’ll see each other again—like in September for the wedding—and we’ll always have opportunities to visit. But it won’t quite be the same as the nights we spent together here: watching movies, going out to eat, having guys’ nights and girls’ nights. That’s going to be hard.

Like Ashley said, this program has been a kind of extension—a pause before fully stepping into adult life. While others have already started figuring things out, we were given the gift of doing it together. Fellows brought us into a community, gave us jobs, and built something really special.

But we always knew this time would come—the time when we wouldn’t see each other every day.

My hope and prayer is that we don’t let this be the end of these relationships. That we continue to reach out, check in, and show up for one another—even from a distance. And when we do come back together, that those reunions are even sweeter than anything we’ve experienced here.

Because even the tears we shed when we say goodbye… can still be tears of joy.

Your quirky Photographer,

Tyler

Marching into April!

Hello March blog!

Today’s blog is coming to you via dictation through my Notes app on my phone. I am on a walk in Ashley‘s neighborhood pre-roundtable, and figured this is the best way for me to write my blog! #efficient

What a month! It was a bender of three out of four weekends out of town, full of retreats, a wedding, some silence, 360 reviews, my grandfather’s 86th birthday, the fellows summer birthday surprise celebration, and much, much more. Just when I thought February was full, March came in to one-up that.

I’m grateful for the amount of content I was given to absorb this month. March held one of my favorite retreats, led by John Richmond, on the 10 rules for living life well. I was inspired by the simplicity, yet profoundness of the rules and how they played out over the time of raising his family. It’s hard to pick a favorite rule, but the one that has stood out to me over the following weeks was to “happen to your life.” To recognize that we are not in control, but we have great influence on our lives, humbles and charges me at the same time.

It felt like I was running a marathon getting to the end of the month, and I was so grateful that silent retreat was at the end. It was there that I realized just how exhausted I was and in need of silence and solitude with God. When life gets “crazy” and “busy” (realizing more that it always is), I tend to be less and less consistent on keeping good rhythms and taking care of myself both physically and mentally. Again, this became deeply apparent to me, not necessarily in silence, but coming out of the silence and back into the real world. God has been revealing the ways that he desires me to take care of myself more and more. Learning how self-care can be a way of worshiping God, taking care of His creation, has been really beautiful.

I deleted social media (as much as I can because unfortunately my job surrounds social media), am looking for more ways to move my body and be active, and am continuing the fight of getting up early in the morning with God (pray for this one specifically). I’ve been really grateful for these rhythms, and am still grateful for a season of fellows where the schedule is full, and the commitments are vast— but God is always kind in telling me to slow down right where I’m at.

With Fellows soon coming to an end, I continue to pray consistently for the Lord not to let the things we’ve learned be lost on me. It’s been nine months of underlining and bookmarking all that’s being shared with me so that I can come back to it again and again after this time is over. I’m expectant to see how the Lord will use this experience and put it into practice as I face more of the things I’ve seen and heard.

Cheers to the last full month ahead!

Until next time,

Carsyn

March w/ MG!

hi everyone!

Time flies when it's finally WARM OUTSIDEEEE!!!! I couldn't be more grateful for spring and warm days!

All 31 days of this month have been full to the brim! I can't believe I started March at the beach for women's retreat, and now here I am, 2 retreats later, reflecting on all of it!

If February was a month of self discovery, March was a month of God discovery! Here are some of the most spiritually meaningful things I've done this month:

• Sermon on the Mount class with Eric - this class has been so insanely cool. We've practiced inductive Bible study, which has taught me to sit with just a few verses for soooo long and actually get a ton out of it! Our discussions have been incredible, and it's really reignited a desire to read the Gospels and Jesus’ teachings. Which leads us to…

• New Testament Bible class - We've covered the Gospels, Acts, and started to dip into the Epistles so far! I didn't realize how much I didn't know until our speedy but thorough overview of these books! So much of what I've been reading in my personal time has been enriched by the context I've gotten from Ryan and Emily.

• Silent Retreat - It was a wildly uncomfortable and restful and intimate and strange experience! I believe I felt every emotion during our one day of silence! It was an incredible exercise to sit, talk, and walk with Jesus through my day, and practice the practice of silence and solitude (I need more of it). It actually went by so quickly, and was the perfect “off-ramp” from our series of retreats this month. Coming back from that, I feel refreshed in my day-to-day walk with Jesus and grateful for more free time and open weekends to be in community before the end of fellows!

There's so much more I could talk about (shout out John Richmond retreat), but you can read someone else's blog for that! I have to leave for Roundtable now, so that's all she wrote!

ONE MORE FULL MONTH LEFT OMG!!! SEE YOU THEN!!!!

-Maddie Grace

March roundup!

I mean I swear I was just updating y’all on my February and now here we are, another month passing us by. March was full and fun just like all our other months as fellows! Let me tell you about the weekends of this month - they are the guides of my mind when I look back. My friends, Liz and Whitney visited early in March which kicked off just an awesome month relationally for me - I adore them and I’m so thankful they made the trip to visit with me in some of my favorite places. Next up was our John Richmond retreat with the Trinity (Charlottesville) fellows where we got to spend time in the sun and meet new friends and learn how to intentionally create a framework for our lives that leads us to a lifestyle in Christ - so awesome right. And only one week later, we did the opposite - we engaged in our silent retreat at St. Francis springs. (we’ll get back to this soon!) My final weekend of March was a trip to D.C. to visit my sister Amelia and her bf Alex at their new place alongside my parents! We went on peak cherry blossom weekend and let me assure you, I was not disappointed, it was beautiful. These weekends have each refreshed my soul in a different way - how cool that four unique experiences can bring such life and joy. I’m leaving March grateful! A year ago I was dreading leaving college, stepping away from a life I loved and people I loved. But now, as we walk towards the end of fellows, I’m overwhelmed by God’s goodness and all that he has brought me into this past year. 

I often feel like the Lord brings something to my attention and has me latch onto that for a while, graciously dangling it in front of my face and weaving things together to emphasize it until it really sinks in. This month, to no surprise, wasn’t any different. During college, I took a disability and religion class for my minor (of course, this was my favorite course I took!) and one week we read an excerpt of the book “The Disabled God” by Nancy Eiesland. I’m not going to take the space to really dive in about this but everyone should go read the section of it that is available online. But it wrecked me a little bit - Jesus appears postresurrection to his disciples in his perfect body, one that still bears the wounds and scars of his earthly life. He reveals himself whole and complete as the “disabled God”. The implications for people with disabilities from this revelation is huge, but I would argue this article has massive relevance to everyone's life. What brokenness do we have that we just don’t believe Jesus gets? Do we hold that brokenness under the blessing or the curse? Many questions stir from this for me, so I decided I would lead my roundtable for fellows on the article as well as a framework for belovedness from Henri Nouwen’s book “Life of the Beloved”. Following this decision, at the silent retreat, the space that I got stalled in was the stations of the cross which Mary Young (leader of our trip) had provided scripture, reflection, and art for. The reality of Christ’s humanity on the way to the cross absolutely took over me, the idea that along his walk he stumbled and cried and humans helped him get to the cross etched itself in my mind and heart. His broken body. Christ’s broken body became so real to me for probably the first time, I couldn’t move away from it. Back in Raleigh I revisited my roundtable materials and realized that this was something the Lord was weaving together, he had made his broken body real to me right before asking the fellows to sit in that as well in our upcoming roundtable. How good is he at that! The cross has taken on a whole new weight for me, after hearing the scripture countless times over many years of sitting in church. It was such an awesome discussion getting to hear how this truth impacts each person in the room and the unassuming gift of living in a broken and beloved body. So that’s where I’m at, completely overcome by the cross and seeing Christ in a whole new way as we walk with him to the cross this week. I’ll leave you with this quote from Nancy Eiesland’s book, “The Eucharist is a remembrance of a broken body–and a celebration of the miraculous liberation that wells up from that broken body.” His broken body is the means to our freedom, it wells up from his wounds. Don’t let that fly over your head as it so easily can. By his wounds, we are healed!!!

A quick little what I’m loving atm!

• Seeing my sis in her new city! 

• 8th grade girls small group with my queen of a coleader, Mary Stuart

• The fact that I had a blueberry flat white, iris’ new spring latte, and an everything bagel croissant today - impeccable lineup 

• Our surprise summer bday party! It was touch and go but we successfully shocked!

• Friends! College friends, fellow friends, all of the friends - I’ve got good people 

• SPRINGGGG (especially the flowers) 

• Making my friends swing at pinatas, forgot how good it feels to watch that 

• Trader joes mini coffee ice cream cones 

• Chip! My host dog

• New Flatland Calvary album

• And all the in between!!

Happy spring! See ya in a month

With love, Reagan

parts of march as a raleigh fellow

Hello blog! It's your favorite fellow, bevi, with a March update. Let's talk highlights! 

• Women's retreat duhhh (got a shoutout last time too) 

• Virginia and Pete visiting! We had amazing weather and quality time and walks, did lots of jubala runs, played beer garden mini golf, and spent so much silly and sweet time with Billy and Cathy. I was super grateful for all of this! 

• Roller skating with my girl Chloe from N2N 

• John Richmond retreat – specifically, dancing on the dock because we are the silly and weird fellows 

• Lunch downtown together after meeting the chief justice of NC and his wife 

• Spontaneous hang with kendall  

• Silent retreat - I love my alone time. Loved praying, laying in the sun, painting, and resting. Loved my itty bitty room and loved the silence when we woke up because I hate talking to people in the morning anyways! 

• Going out to meals with peyton and jacob, weekend collabs with the fellows, farmers market, prayer partner meals and walks, quality time with maggie mae 

• Ashley's intense friday afternoon meeting that ended up being a surprise bday party for summer bdays (me, jacob, morgan, peyton) with personalized desserts, pinatas, sweet notes, and games! THANK YOU FELLOWS, I FELT SO LOVED!! 

April is gonna be crazy! Stay tuned! - bevi lundeen

March!

Hey!

I am happy to report that spring has sprung here in Raleigh, and it is so beautiful! I have never really experienced a true spring, so it has been so fun for me to see all the different kinds of flowers in bloom. For one, I have never seen so many trees that are mostly flowers and not leaves. I am obsessed with the cherry blossoms, and seeing them spring up around town gave me hope for the warmth to come. Also… purple wisteria! So beautiful. A silly moment from my first experience of a real spring was thinking people were planting yellow plastic flowers in their yards. I eventually realized, upon seeing one wilt, that those flowers were in fact real and called daffodils.

Aside from experiencing spring, I feel like I have been experiencing the Lord in such a wonderful way. We had our silent retreat last weekend, and I went into it hoping to hear from the Lord about particular decisions and circumstances regarding my future. My wise and lovely mentor, Terri Shell, suggested that I pray and ask God to speak to me in a way I would recognize. And the Lord, faithful as he is, answered that prayer through the repetition and placement of a particular verse of scripture. The verse might be cliché to some, but it honestly is not one that I have ever given much thought to until recently. A few weeks ago, in search of a verse to use as a breath prayer, I opened my bible to where I had left off in Psalms. I had happened to be at Psalm 46, and so I decided that Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God,” would suffice.

In the week leading up to the silent retreat, I had been breathing this verse whenever I was anxious. Upon arrival and after a tour of the grounds of St. Francis Springs, Mary Young casually mentioned the verse in our group time. Then, the next morning, while silent and waiting for brunch to begin, I picked up a book called “The Sacred Enneagram.” This book told me that the best posture for Enneagram Ones in silent contemplative prayer is rest and stillness. After brunch, I began my day of silence by perusing through the journal left in my room for its occupants to sign or leave a note. And not once but twice, someone had written out the verse along with a message to future guests. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I had been praying this verse, but I was not comprehending its meaning for me.

God once again proved that he knows me and cares for me by using the repetition of his word to redirect my heart. Where I went into the weekend hoping that He would make a particular path clear, He just wanted me to draw nearer to Himself. I wanted an answer for my decisions, but God wanted me to rest in him and surrender control. To be still and know that he is God means to believe and trust that, no matter what circumstances I find myself in, he is still sovereign and has a million times more perspective than I do. It's not often that I can pinpoint how God is working in my life, but right now I can feel the adjusting and mending He is doing in my spirit.

We had a member of Apostles, Hunt Davis, speak to us on Friday for professional development. He said something that really stuck with me, “We are to be faithful with the inputs, and trusting with the outcomes.” I don’t really have much else to say other than how thankful I am that we serve a God who wants to be with us, is in charge of every outcome, and has overcome the world.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.
Be.

See you next month!

-Jackie

Blog, the Seventh

Plot twist, I got a job. And even bigger plot twist, it started already. Crazy right. It’s been great so far and I’m feeling very encouraged. So that’s cool, but it’s not what I want to dive into in this blog. Heck, thinking back on this month feels like a blur. Two retreats, endless hangs, introducing friends to Fellows, show & tell, and so much more.

~~~

Recently, at roundtable, we were given some reading to discuss and a small phrase from it has stuck out to me ever since.

“…the mixed blessing of this life…”

Hm. Weird, right. And yet potent. I cannot stop thinking about it. Especially in light of Eric’s class where we’ve looked into the Sermon on the Mount which begins with the beatitudes.

I’ve always loved the word blessed and often think on it. It’s such an endearing word, knowing that we are blessed.

However, that prescription for the blessing puts a spin on that word for the first time in my life. It’s almost intertwining the blessed and cursed. Like to experiencing blessings we need to be aware of the curses. After all, without the backdrop of the darkness, we wouldn’t be able to see the radiance of the light.

~~~

I often like to hold things tightly because when I think I have control it makes me feel safe or reassured when I may not otherwise. My prayer partner and I were talking over coffee this morning about how we share that. And yet we were both remembering how God has been teaching us that we are in fact not in control of our lives. Often God’s plans are better than the ones we dream up. And, as someone who dreams often, that’s hard to imagine. Looking back, I never would have would have guessed I’d end up in something like Fellows, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t trade anything for these relationships I’ve formed or these experiences of God I never before could have grasped.

I don’t really give compliments as often as I’d like to. I think there’s something about the scarcity of a kind word that makes it more meaningful (I know, probably a bad practice). Regardless, in case I don’t say it enough to my fellow Fellows or my friends or my family or my director; I love you. In different ways and for different reasons, sure. But I do in fact love you. Dearly.

Also, my coffee this morning tasted like sunshine.

So I’ll leave you all with what sticks lately.

Surrender. Palms up. Let go & let God. However you think of it. That is my refrain.

The Blog You’ve All Been Waiting For…

Was this blog post due several days ago…yes. Have my DMs been full of people BEGGING me to post my blog…duh. I owe you all a sincere apology, specifically Ashley Crutchfield. But here I am - better than ever… well, not exactly (hence why you’re reading this so late). Okay fine. The past couple of weeks have been nothing short of painful, confusing, and emotionally challenging. In the midst of that, I’ve cried (a lot), not slept great, had messy conversations with God, and somehow also laughed, felt an overwhelming sense of peace, and won a $65 Costco gift card… so it hasn’t all been bad.

I could go on and on about everything I learned in February, and I don’t want to overlook any of it. But I think it’s important that I highlight some of the personal growth I’ve seen in myself rather than just what I’ve learned in the classroom. That said, we kicked off February with a Career Calling Vocational Retreat - I don’t think I’ve ever taken so many notes in my entire life. It was such an intentional time of understanding how each of us is uniquely wired and created to bless the Lord through our work while leaning into the gifts He’s already given us.

In class, we’ve started our journey through the New Testament, completed some massive projects, and even started a new class focused on the Sermon on the Mount, which I’m really excited about. All of that has been incredible, but the biggest thing I want to focus on is the personal growth I’ve seen in myself recently.

Within the past week, I had to take a step back from a friendship that I thought would last a lifetime. To be honest, it has been so, so, so hard. It feels like the world in my life has kind of zoned out. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had these messy conversations with the Lord - moments where I didn’t understand why this was happening. For the first time in my life, I’ve been angry with God. It’s been a really challenging season, yet in the middle of all that chaos…I’ve discovered an overwhelming sense of peace.

As I sit here alone with my thoughts, there’s a worship song called Nothing Else by Cody Carnes that has been playing in the background. As I’m listening to the lyrics, he sings:

“I don’t want anything else but Your presence.
I don’t want anything else but Your heart.
I don’t want anything else but You, Jesus.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship.
I’m coming back to what it’s all about—just You, Jesus.
Take all the stuff. I don’t care. I don’t want it.
Just You, Jesus. Nothing else will do.”

I remember sitting alone in my room this time last year and feeling so incredibly alone. On paper, everything looked perfect. I had great friends, I was working my dream internship, and everything on the outside looked polished and professional. On the inside, I was dying.

The Lord has been so gentle, patient, and kind. I remember getting to the point where, for the first time, I said, “I don’t want anything else but You, Jesus. Take all the stuff. I don’t care. I don’t want it.” Now, a year later, I’m sitting alone in my room again. But this time, I’m almost on the verge of tears because I’m so happy with myself. I’m proud of myself, and I can feel the gentleness of the Lord.

I don’t feel alone anymore.

I guess my whole point, as I’ve been rambling all over the place, is pretty simple: This year has changed my life. It’s been hard. I’ve given up a lot. I’ve lost opportunities. I’ve missed out on things. I’ve even lost friends. Yet, I remember an invitation that was given to me before I became a Christian. Someone told me: “Following Christ will cost you.

Following Christ will cost you.

But the reward is His presence.

And honestly?

That’s enough.

See you next month.

Love,

Peyton

Embracing the Reality of Being Present

10 weeks until fellow ends. 10 weeks!! When Ashley said this at our round table this past Wednesday, I couldn't believe the words coming from her mouth. I grazed my eyes around the room, deeply looking at every fellow. A smile took up upon my face as I recounted everything we did this past year. From the first day of awkward encounters to this moment on the couch feeling so connected and loved. I could not stop thinking of how God has been shaping all of us in his unique way. To think that this year went by so quickly; It feels like it just started. Soon it will be us all at the lake house soaking in as much time before we embark on our own adventures into the unknown (some known). I wonder often what this year would have looked like if I wasn’t in the fellow’s program. Where would I have gone, what would my job have been and how many new friends would I have encountered along the way. Every little moment I get to spend with you guys is a moment I know I won't have for too long. Especially when May comes around and I either get the job I'm applying for (if it's in God’s will) or I move home for the summer to figure out what's next. I know Raleigh will forever hold a place in my heart. 

 I was talking with the lady I worked for, over last summer, and she was mentioning me coming back out this summer to help upload her TV shows to YT and 3 other famous painters shows as well. They of course would be paying me to do this and the experience I would gain would be crucial for my future in the art world. Colorado spring has a special place in my heart, and I constantly think about it from time to time. I miss the mountains (not the pathetic ones we have here in NC (to think they are even called mountains, what a joke). The community and overall vibe of the area was also what gained my attention and the warm weather to the cold brisk nights. I want to say Raleigh is the home for me but as of now it doesn't feel like that. Yes, I've made community not only with the fellows but with some of the young adults in the church and this too will be hard to leave. I went to the young adults Ministry trivia night tonight and on my way out I met two girls also heading to their car. I had a brief conversation with them, and they said they were just trying to find a new home church in which I replied, “Home is not where church is, home is with God wherever you go”. It got me thinking on my way home in the car that no matter where I go, God will lead me towards his will. It could in Boone, NC or across the US. But I’m taking the time to allow myself to sit in these few moments and spaces I have left with you fellow fellows.

 So, when I ask you about your day, don't just say it was good but allow me to witness into how it was good. I want to deeply understand you even more than I do now. I don't want to leave the program feeling like, “I should have gotten to know them better”. I want to leave knowing you guys to the fullest. God has allowed us to truly embrace each other in so many ways and so my hope is in these next 10 weeks that we can embrace this deeper understanding of what it means to truly know thy brother and sister, the way Christ knows us. And when goodbyes are said that they won't be known as goodbyes but in actuality, “See you later”.

To what we have left,

Tyler Brantley

Four Things I learned/ loved in February!

February is the month of loveee and Lent. Here are four things that I’ve learned, was thinking about, or that I was loving (or all three!)

• For one lets start with a little Lent and loving combo. I deeply enjoy the liturgical calendar and get excited to participate in it. I am reading a Lenten devotional called “Bread and Wine” that has daily readings from a variety of authors that I also read last year. It is just so rich with wisdom. I am also reading a book called “Lent” by Esau McCaulley. It had a quote that I think is such a beautiful reminder: “The joy of the Lord is not a ticket to be purchased by our fasts.” Just loving that.

• I loved all of our Galentines festivities. On Valentine's Day, the gal fellows had a night of crafting, eating, and spending time together talking about things we love, and it was just so sweet. I also got to have two of Iris’s Valentine’s menu items, the Strawberry Matcha and the Miso Mocha Latte.

• I am loving and learning all about needlepointing. Thank you to my friend Caroline Crist, who so kindly wandered our local Needlepoint.com store to get me started on my needlepointing journey. I have so far needlepointed a rainbow trout, and I am currently working on the background (using a scotch stitch, might I add.) I have been loving this new creative outlet of mine and can’t wait to start more projects!

• I learned that I learn better through tonal memory than verbal memory. At our Career Calling and Vocation retreat, we learned what our results from our motivation and learning tests mean. I always thought I learned better by reading, but it turns out I learn better when I can hear something and take notes. Cool stuff.

All in all, I had a lovely February, and I hope you did too.

xoxo,

Jackie

The Never-Ending, Yet Gone-Too-Soon February

Welcome to February’s blog! Here I write, exhausted from a month that was jam-packed with so many major events, yet in reflection, it flew by. I could easily sit here and give you a play-by-play, and honestly, I do think it’d be interesting (maybe just to me), but instead of that, I feel the call draw near to an overwhelming sense of gratitude as I exit February.

This program has so much to offer me. It can feel overwhelming at times, and this month, especially, there was so much to absorb, and still I am very grateful for it. Career and calling retreat left me feeling rich in knowing more about myself, how the Lord views success, and calls us to mobilize change in our community. Our classes, where we learned about finances, professional development, and writing our genograms (WOOF), and much more, all held so much and opened doors for even more exploration.

The genogram was really challenging for me. I had to step out of my comfort zone, in fear and in knowing that the Lord was actively carrying me through. I’m grateful for a strong support system, especially the fellows for seeing me, praying for me, and cheering me on as I did hard things this month. I am also grateful for Ashley and for how she knows just the right moments to push you more when she knows what you’re capable of. I am grateful for a community that calls me higher.

Obviously I’m grateful for Simas. He threw me the best birthday party EVER, cooking for about 30 people and roping all his roommates and my bestie Emma in to help in whatever ways they could. I felt so cared for and loved. To sit at a long dinner table amongst the people that I love so much, eat food that was delicious and made with love, and revel in the ways the Lord has shown me his tender love for 23 years was exactly what my soul needed. I weep when I think about it, especially Simas’ wipeboard that had his cooking plan that started at NOON. Anyways, he’s awesome, and has shown up for me so well.

I am grateful for my friends. I went wedding dress shopping with Emma, Ellia, and Ava, and to my surprise, found my dress at Anthropologie! And I bought it, thanks mama! (check that off the wedding to-do list). What a rush, and thank GOD because I could not keep shopping. But for real, my friends and my mom are the best, and I am again just overwhelmed with gratitude for how they show up and celebrate me.

My sweet fellow girlies as well <3 thank you for making my music video dreams come true! For real, I love these girls more and more every day. Women’s retreat breathed air into my lungs. I love girlhood and the precious time I get with these six girls.

Gratitude! My cup overflows. May the Lord remind me of this daily.

Thanks for reading, until next time.

Carsyn Gilmore

Where There's a Will #6

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.” - John 15:15 NLT

This idea of God wanting to be my friend has been prevalent since the very beginning of Fellows. In September at our orientation retreat, we were told that we would be rooted in John 15. In October when we had men’s retreat our focus was on John 15 and what it looked like to have intentional and intergenerational male friendships. Even as recently as Ash Wednesday service, Hayes prayed over me that I would know and realize that God is my friend. Then I got to lead roundtable and reflect on our time reading Abba’s Child. This conversation reminded me of the Lord’s intentionality and how I need to draw near to Him!

Recently, I have seen how God shows His friendship to me through my male friendships.

Two of my good friends from college, Michael Allen and Tristan Gentile, had the idea of getting together every other week and just hanging out. This idea comes with a group chat of around ten people and whoever can show up does and it has been so good. Being able to get together with this group to reflect, laugh, and get away from the business and routine that we all get stuck in sometimes.

This past weekend, I got to go up to Boone on Friday and see a lot of my good friends from college and hang out for the night. On my way out of town, I got to stop in and have lunch with my YoungLife area director, August Short. I made my way down to Asheville on Saturday to celebrate my good friend Henry Peterson’s engagement! This night specifically felt like I was back in college hanging out with these guys at the Cabin. Then I got to come back to Raleigh and have guy’s night with the Fellows!

It has been so sweet to be able to reflect on these nights and realize that Jesus is sitting by the fire with us at Michael’s, He is sitting beside us as we share meals all around Boone, He is sitting with us in the hot tub in Asheville, and He is listening to us while we talk at LBC.

Sam Crutchfield said last night, “You can’t make old friends.” I am so glad to be able to say that these friends I have now are going to be my old friends one day. Being reminded that the Lord wants to be my friend helps me realize just how good my friends are and to that I say… THANKS BE TO GOD

-Will Brown

Raleigh Fellows Swag

CCVR

Jasper

Valentine's Day!

Future Raleigh Fellows! and Beau

The Peterson's!!

hey again

Oh hi! It’s Hailey and I’m so glad to be writing to all of the blog readers, IN THE SUN. Currently, I’m sitting on the back porch and the sun is shining right on my face and i’m watching Maggie Miedema (dog) sun bathing as well. Looking back at the beginning of the month, I cannot believe we were at Career Calling Vocation Retreat? That feels like it was months ago. Anyways! I was reading a devo this morning from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Day by Day, and it shocked me how perfect it was for wrapping up February; the month of learning about ourselves more and more and being better stewards of the gifts the lord has given us. 

Scripture: Psalm 139: 13-16

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well. 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place, 

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be. 

Devotional: Written by Parker Palmer 

Vocation does not come from a voice "out there" calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice "in here" calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God. 

It is a strange gift, this birthright of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it- and I think I am not alone. There is a Hasidic tale that reveals, with amazing brevity, both the universal tendency to want to be someone else and the ultimate importance of becoming one's self. Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: Why were you not Moses? They will ask me: Why were you not Zusya?"

When thinking about Psalm 139, I directly correlate it to beauty/the flesh because that's all that I have seen it correlated with online, in political discussions, and amongst girls in bible study. But the truth is that the God that created my flesh is pleased beyond measure with who I am as a soul and what gifts I bring to the table; all that he created me to be. 

I am still, and probably forever will be, chewing on the results I was given from the tests I got to take for the Carrer Calling Vocation Retreat and all of the information I got from family interviews that went into writing my (30 page by accident) Genogram paper. But the Lord designed me in these ways: to have my story, to have my gifts, to have my unique view of who God is in my life, and to be made aware of how I can use all of it to be a living sacrifice in the exact way Hailey Cook is supposed to be. 

Top 5 songs of the month:

Oughta See You (The Way I Do)- Flatland Cavalry

Alleycat- Mumford & Sons 

Icarus- Mumford & Sons, Gigi Perez 

Jesus, My Brother- Live by Mission House 

Everything Harry Styles has ever released. Getting ready for the BIG DAY FRIDAY!!!!

See you again soon (with a new Harry Styles album and even more sun than now)!!!

-Hailey Cook

A cool and full 28 days!

I’m back ringing in March, one of my favorite months of the year! The flowers are beginning to bloom, we’re getting days of sun, and I feel all the goodness of spring emerging. But before I get ahead of myself into March, let’s recap February, a chilly month that has delivered plenty of blessings and many challenges at my door. We started our month at the lake for our Career and Vocational Calling retreat! Boy oh boy did I learn some good stuff this week - rich content about work and who I am specifically made to be - all my talents and limitations included. There is real, meaningful growth happening in us as we have gotten the privilege of looking at all of the aspects of ourselves laid out, diving deep in a one on one session with Cam (professional at this), and bringing it all to God, asking him to grow in us what we pinpointed. This week reminded me of my unique belovedness while also, often painfully, pressing on the weaknesses that I need help in. Isn’t that what this whole year has done for me? I’m so grateful that we get to do this as 22-26 year olds - I don’t take that for granted. 

We have dived deep into our families this month, working through interviewing our families and writing our genogram papers. This has brought the unique opportunity to really sit in the full picture of our family systems. I’m not going to lie, it's been tiring as a person who carries emotions heavily, I’ve been weary of the time spent thinking about, processing, and holding the weight of multiple generations’ “stuff”. It’s also a beautiful time to allow my family members to really tell their story. Getting to put their lens on for a little bit, has deepened my understanding and compassion for each person in my family. I’ve been able to spot virtues passed along through generations like loyalty, hospitality, independence, optimism, value of relationships and also I’ve had to face tough truths about my family as well. I might be tired and thankful to be done with this part for now, but I’m better because of the process and I will have the rich gift of this experience for many, many years to come. 

Hard pivot: I love Valentine's day! My parents always made an easily skippable holiday so special growing up, decorating the hallway, cooking an extravagant dinner, and my dad walking his three daughters one by one to the table in our best dress. It has always held a dear spot in my heart, so I was so thankful when the girls let me be extra for the day and help throw a galentines at Maddie Grace’s parents house. It was the best night making our own pizzas, laughing, and gifting each other valentines. A couple weeks after, two of my friends came to visit from college - a joy!! It was so special to share this new home with friends that feel like home already. Then off to the women's retreat! Wow, what a weekend it was. I was moved many times to tears by a room of 150 women of all ages, shapes, life stages, personalities, coming together to worship our very thoughtful creator and hear each other’s stories. This weekend I felt like a sponge, trying my best to soak up all the advice and beautiful ways each woman has experienced not only God, but the entirety of their lives - it was a real blessing for me that I’ll be thinking about for a long time. February was a month full of delightful, sweet friendships - the truth that God loves women has never been so close to me! 

One other reality of February is the beginning of Lent. I am learning the longing of Lent, the humility of my beginning as ashes and my eventual end, how to keep one foot in the waiting and one foot in the celebration that Christ has already won the victory over death. The Lord is always kind in his timing, he is always working redemption in my life. I see that clearly with all he has unearthed in my soul through this month right in time for Lent to slow me down to sit with it all. So I’ll be here, sitting in it, I’ll get back to you in April! 

Dying to know what I’m loving? Happy to make you happy!

• Strawberry flat white from Iris (Valentine’s special)

• The weather in Wilmington for the retreat

• Taking my friends to H-Mart and the farmer’s market (let us walk around food and we’re happy)

• Blueberry matchas 

• Jackie sitting where Conrad sat in the Summer I Turned Pretty

• Walking and learning from Kathryn (mentor!) she is so wise 

• My other friends coming this weekend!!!! 4 more days! (yes this is the March, but my excitement has started in February)

• New benchwarmers bagels location! -

• Listening to 150 women sing “Spirit of God, come like the dawn. Open the heavens on us. We wanna know you, we wanna know you.” How powerful! 

Here I go and here comes spring!

With love, Reagan 

beverly's february

Happy March! 

It’s your favorite fellow Bevi here to chat about February. Here was my preview from the last blog: “What’s next? Writing family genogram paper, considering career/future ooo scary, quality time with fellows, and probably more things being stirred up in my mind to learn from.” Each of these things happened! Here are some reflections:

Highlights:

• Our career retreat! I thought this would be very overwhelming and exhausting but it wasn’t. It was a lot of content, but ended up being very digestible. I enjoyed discussing the theology of work and thinking about the bigger picture of how I’m wired. I learned a lotttt about myself, which was helpful, but I still have so much to reflect on. Also was grateful for bonding time with fellows! 

• Galentine’s hangout - shoutout Maddie Grace and Reagan for putting this together it was so sweet and fun and I love doing crafts!

• Tutoring my girl Chloe at N2N! She’s the best

• Carsyn’s bday party (Simas you’re amazing) and our girls dinner at the standard. It was so good to celebrate you Carsyn! 

• Accidental collab with Jacob and MG last Friday - went on a long walk, then drove together downtown to meet other fellows and friends for drinks. Love this trio

• Ash Wednesday service (in my groutfit) at Apostles was sweet. Also was feeling grateful around this time to work at St. David’s with Christian community and mentors — it’s a special thing to receive ashes at your place of work, and I don’t know if I’ll experience that again.

• Women’s retreat at Wrightsville beach! It was fun to putz at the beach, go out to meals, hang out and be silly together, and do our silly skit with some of the older women at Apostles. 

Lowlights:

• Sitting in the dentist chair for 4 hours straight to get cavities filled was absolutely brutal. And my teeth and mouth have been hurting a lot recently

• I’ve been feeling the weight of learning about and thinking about myself—about my strengths and weaknesses, enneagram, work stuff, etc. It’s been a lot of self discovery which is lovely but this is heavy and just isn’t sustainable 

• I’d probably say writing the genogram paper and analyzing my family was a bit exhausting

A big theme this month for me has been the concept of time and learning how to use it well and give it to God. I want to have time to hang out with people here, call my other friends, call my family, reflect on the career retreat, write my genogram paper and reflect on it, think about and start applying to jobs, write 360s for the fellows, read, spend time with the Lord, exercise, go to bed early, and more. I really appreciated the “Time” devo in the Blue Book this month. It was fun to have Psalm 90 be the blessing given to us at the end of the career retreat as we prayed for God to “establish the work of our hands” and then go home and see Psalm 90 in the Time devo for me to read every day. This devo has helped shape my view of time. I’ve been practicing how to move more slowly at work and I’ve been praying and trusting that the Lord would use each day as it needs to be used. Hope this can continue as the spring gets even crazier!

Stay tuned for: more retreats, more things to learn, visits from friends and family, etc.

Thanks for reading! - Bevi Lundeen

A Feb Full of (Self) Love - MG

What a whirlwind of a month. The bitter cold of winter is finally started to break open into spring, and I feel myself starting to come alive! Each winter, I feel like the Lord (in tangent with Lent) is working on the underground parts of me, uprooting some things and planting others, in time for me to open out to the world in the spring and summer. In fellows, this pattern has been more true than ever!

At our Career, Calling and Vocation Retreat, I took a closer look at myself – so close, in fact, that I became weary of self reflection, for perhaps the first time ever – and saw glimpses of my strengths and weaknesses from a new light. While overwhelming, the information I learned about myself has also equipped me with new language and framework for growth, and I've started seeing myself a little more in line with how God sees me, or at least I hope. All I know is that He is so fond of me and likes me a lot, and that's good enough for now!

Then, we flew straight into genogram paper-writing! Honestly, this has just been one big grind to get it done, but it's been a really interesting time to reflect on my family while also seeing myself more clearly. I don't really have anything particularly introspective or revolutionary to say other than that, so I shall beware the unbearable weight of meaning-making and stop there for now.

God has been doing a quietly disruptive work in my life this year, and it feels like it’s really been poking its head up this January and February. And then here comes Lent! Right on time as usual! What a perfect time to sit with the Lord in all of this. Again, don't have anything I feel like sharing yet, but I feel my soul resetting. And if you know me, you know I've been eating up my blessings from “Celtic Wheel of the Year - Old Celtic and Christian Prayers”. Here's a blessing for Ash Wednesday that I shared with the group at CCVR in a devotional:

May the blessing of God,

from whom I came and to whom I shall return, 

be upon me as I take each step of this sacred journey. 

Remain with me this day and every day

Until you lead me into your peace dear God.

Okay I'm done writing. Can't stand another minute of self reflection. Love you all. See you next month!

-Maddie Grace (aka Mattie Greg)

Blog, the Sixth

February has been full and not just in the sense of a lot happening. I’ve also felt quite fulfilled from all that it has held. To begin the month, we had arguably my most anticipated part of Fellows; our Career, Calling, & Vocation Retreat. It was great to be back at the Lake (even if parts of it were frozen over) and mix productivity with rest once again. We witnessed a boring Superbowl, an iconic moment from UNC’s Seth Trimble, and each of us growing in our understanding of ourselves. I’m grateful for the experience to be able to better understand my strengths, giftings, and weaknesses as well as how to articulate them.

At the start of next month, we have our Genogram papers due. This has also been a healthy (even if hard) exercise to grow in my understanding of myself. Specifically, as I learn more fully about my family, it’s been a very unique experience to reflect on what’s impacted me, how I can be grateful, and where I hope to embrace differentiation.

As I begin to contemplate post-Fellows, I am hitting a bit of a crossroads. I have options about what I want to pursue and frankly it’s hard. There are some things I’m resolved to do (or not do), and others where I simply must pull a Kevin DeYoung and just do something. I’m grateful to have been reminded lately that even closed doors can teach me where to go. And as someone who experienced closed door after closed door in the past couple of years, I’m grateful to know I’ll likely find another slammed shut. And for the ones that will be opened, I look forward to stepping on through.

Writing this blog has been sponsored by Mumford & Sons new album Prizefighter. It is immaculate music and I’ll make a cup of coffee for whoever (other than my friend Josh because I already told him) which two songs off the album hit the hardest right now. Or I’ll just make you a cup of coffee if you ask honestly. Speaking of coffee, I’ve had a lot of interesting one’s lately. Jubala’s free espresso Friday from the 20th tasted like an orange lollipop, my morning pour-over the other day boasted juicy & floral bergamot with honey-esque sweetness, Simas made me an excellent flat white, I loved my cutie capp from Sola for Valentine’s Day, and I’m still not over that fruit looper from Promethium or strawberries & cream flat white from Iris. Oh, can’t forget the beans I got from Fount an hour before we left for retreat that I needed google translate to be able to understand. They’ve been quite delightful as of late.

There’s a lot more that has made me feel full, but I’ll leave you with this: London is red.

Jacob W. Currin

Where There's a Will #5

“22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” - Galatians 5:22-23

This scripture is from an examen exercise that we were given this month to pray and look over.  Examen allows us to slow down and pay attention to the life we have been living. This lets us feel the growth in discernment in God’s presence and what draws us toward a life of following Jesus and what draws us away.

In the past couple of weeks/months, I have been trying to recruit some of my friends from App to come be a part of the Raleigh Fellows program next year. While I was telling them about the program and the things that I have been doing, I began to reflect on what I was doing a year ago when I was in their shoes. Having the practice of examen to think back and pray over the last few months as a Fellow and the last year that I have been committed to be a Fellow made talking about the program so much easier. Getting to look back over the last year of my life and seeing how the Lord has shown up in various ways has been awesome to see. Especially when it comes back to things like my last semester of college, my last summer in Boone, and all the firsts that come with being a Raleigh Fellow. Experiencing the fruits that the Holy Spirit has been producing from the above verse has been so sweet. I can’t wait for those guys I got to help recruit to Raleigh and get to taste the fruit themselves!

The month of January has brought plenty of love, joy, peace and goodness into my life. Our trip to Nicaragua gave me an abundance of this fruit. I am not going to get into the details about the trip, but I am sure you can read everybody else’s blog for Nicaragua content. I can’t believe the first month of the year has already come and gone, but I can’t wait to keep reflecting on it and all the things coming up!

-Will Brown

Beach Day

Van Ride

Sweet Kids in La Fortuna

Ruby's Prayer House

Spider-Man

Snow Day Legos

Salsa Fresh

Gabi Bday

Morgan's January

Hey everyone! This month had to have been more than 31 days…it truly felt like a lifetime! No complaints though, it was full of so many wonderful new things. We started off in Nicaragua where I met up with everyone at the Miami Airport. I loved seeing everyone again after we had been apart for so long. Nicaragua was life-changing in more ways than I can count. La Fortuna opened my eyes to the Lord working in fresh and unexpected ways. I was fortunate enough to experience a new culture and community that welcomed us with open arms. The memories we made there will stay with me for the rest of my life. We also used part of our time in Nicaragua to explore other areas of the country. The lagoon was truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been and easily one of my favorite days.

Life in Raleigh has been slow but also very busy since returning. I learned to ice skate for starters (thank you Anna, Peyton, and Hailey for making this possible). I spent last weekend snowed in binge watching Star Wars with my host mother, the one and only Maddy Ritter, and then last night I watched a hockey game with my host father, Cameron Ritter. Their giant TV has changed my life, I don’t know how I’ll ever go back, I am obsessed.

February holds a lot of unknowns ahead. There have been some unexpected changes that came up at the end of January, and a lot has been up in the air because of it. Praying that this month I can find clarity and joy in all the moments it has to offer!

-Morgan