Don't Be All About the Business

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You may already be confused by the title.

Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone insane.

Yes, I was a Finance and Business Economics undergrad. Yes, business is all around me, and it has been a big part of my life. But I'm not talking about that type of business. I want to talk about 'busyness' and all that comes with it. (This could also have been titled 'The Pursuit of Busyness' but I felt unworthy of such a Will Smith classic)

I valuate and evaluate businesses at my internship with TCAP. It's the majority of what I do there. On most days, I will work between 10 - 11 hours, and in this industry that would be considered a very light workload. Most people in the office work more than me - especially when it's a busy season, and work needs to be done. I'm never the first person in, nor the last one out. I have investment banker friends who tell stories of being on-call 24/7 and sleeping at 3am only to go back to the office at 6am. Nevertheless, I find myself working more than the program's required 8 hours a day, and with it, less hours in the day to accomplish other parts of the program (yes, I'm talking about readings).

For a brief few days, I took pride in working longer hours, in contributing to my internship, in being busy and engaged and on-the-go all the time. I'm a big deal if I'm always busy, right? I no longer think that way. One of my mentors from back home in Sydney reminded me that it is much better to seek out balance over busyness in life. He told me to be careful not to become a 'watch the clock tick over' worker, but rather be someone who leaves when the work is done, and not just stay for the sake of staying - it is not a competition. As a Raleigh Fellow, I am here to not just work, but also learn and serve. I cannot truly be a Fellow if one of my roles overtakes the others and hijacks my time this year.

So, I am learning to be more balanced in my week - to allocate time where time is due. Business should not be my main concern. My main concern should be my personal development, in all facets of life. I have recently begun the (very slow) process of spending more time alone, and for a raging extrovert like me, trust me it is tough. 'Soul Keeping' by John Ortberg taught me that in order to take care of my soul, I must be able to sit and be still with myself, and be self-reflective. I have to be able to look inward and find peace with God, from the deepest depths of my soul.

If I cannot take care of my inner life, no accomplishment or joy from my outer life shall be able to redeem the lost state of my soul. I long for a closer relationship with God, I long for a healthier inner life, I long to be able to not rely on the energy of other people and just be able to be alone in the silence. I seek not for busyness, but for balance. I'm all about this Raleigh Fellows business, I'm all about this balanced life.

I continue to pray for the ability to be alone, and to escape the allure of busyness.

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mattyC

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

Stephen Sumrall | September (Belated) Blog

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This morning at 7:00 am in one of the classy niche coffee shops of downtown Raleigh, my mentor reminded me of this prayer. The serenity prayer. Addicts are encouraged to prayer this prayer as they battle with the habits they've formed and learn to capitulate their lives to to their God. Running back and forth from one planned aspect of the Raleigh fellows program to the next makes me feel like I'm addicted, addicted to busyness. Pouring into the lives of youth is a great practice, as is intentional family time, and let's not forget serving in the church. Each of the aspects of the program have made me more busy, but at the same time they've spoken to me about serenity, courage, and wisdom.

So how does one find serenity or peace in the midst of the business? Being discipled by your employer during work hours isn't mandated by Raleigh Fellows, but God can find a way to reach you when you expect it last. Earlier today my mind was frazzled, it was literally scattered all over the office in the form several different projects that demanded my attention. In the midst of the chaos, my employer Stu, walked in to prep an order next to me. Somehow the conversation turned to the word Selah as Stu reminded me that it means to pause. Take a break. Even in the midst of the chaos God used an aspect of the program that made me busy to remind me not to be busy. 

Raleigh fellows has required courage of us too. Everything is new and overwhelming. Every morning I have to roll out of a strange bed, onto a floor my toes still aren't used to feeling, and avoid some relative strangers that cohabitate the house I live in. Surprisingly those same "strangers" are the people who give me courage and I wonder how I could have known so little about my host family just a month ago. They have taken it upon themselves to give me courage to pour into others and encouraged me to use their resources to help myself in that endeavor. God uses the very things that initially required courage to fill me and change other things around me. 

As I sat in the newly remodeled Helios Cafe gazing over Eric's shoulder at the waking streets, my mentor imparted the wisdom of the serenity prayer to me. And in the spirit of that prayer I hope Raleigh Fellows  helps me continue to accept what I can't change with peace, not hesitate to jump on the opportunities I have, and continue learning wisdom from employers, mentors, and other fellows to know the difference. 

Seeking Discomfort

Lets throw it back to January of 2015! I went on an awesome road trip with some even better friends to College Weekend at Windy Gap in North Carolina. It was such a grand experience, but I left feeling like I was too comfortable. The speaker talked about how too many Christians are willing to stay in the boat because we seek comfort and security over Jesus(Matthew 14:22-33).  We see Jesus in our periphery, but that is good enough for us. Bold words if you are asking me. He talked about the difference between “seeing” Jesus and “experiencing” him while walking on water.

Matthew 14:25-33 — At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. “A ghost!” they said, crying out in terror. But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.” Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come ahead.” Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!”Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?” The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down. The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, “This is it! You are God’s Son for sure!”

What a challenge.. Christ calls us to leave comfort and security, and to walk on water. I am not too keen on being uncomfortable. Now fast forward to last 6 months. I firmly felt the Lord pushing me to Raleigh, NC, but was placed in Asheboro, NC for Young Life staff. I found out I was turned down for that position and asked to wait a year to pursue YL Staff. I thought I was obeying the Lord and stepping out onto the water. I was devastated.. My heart hurt, but my pride hurt even more. I felt betrayed because I thought I clearly felt nudges from the Lord to pursue North Carolina. This was Young Life. I was good at doing Young Life. I loved ministry and loved telling high school kids about Jesus even more. Why wasn’t I could enough. I did not understand. But man the Lord had something else in mind. Here comes this idea to apply for the Raleigh Fellows, not knowing anything about the program. My prayer had consistently been that the Lord would make me uncomfortable and step out of the boat for Him.

Now fast forward to middle of August. I was packing up my life in Arizona to leave for Raleigh. It still hadn’t sunk in yet how hard this move was going to be. I think the excitement and joy of something new clouded this fear. I get to Raleigh on August 22nd after one heck of a road trip visiting so many friends and family along the way. It left me feeling ecstatic about this move. I had two weeks in Raleigh before the program started and it was spent getting loved on by the amazing Cockerham family that have truly won over my heart. The Cockerham’s had been my summer staff coordinators the summer of 2015 when I worked at Windy Gap. But the transition happened… I moved in with my host family, The Boultons. They are such a fun family to be around. There is Bryon and Stacy who have 4 boys: Daniel (10), David (8), Noah (5), and Josiah (3). The program was getting ready to start..  in 3.. 2.. 1.. Go!

And that is how it happened.. It was like a sprint the first week. So many new and different things. I met so many people the first day, then that night we left for orientation retreat at Atlantic Beach with 9 other people that I did not know. What a whirlwind.. Over the next week, I got introduced to the youth group I would be serving in, my job at Step Up Ministry, a whole new church at The Church of the Apostles, seminary classes that prove to challenge the way I think, and community with the 8 other Fellows and Ashley our program director (pictured above). I realized quickly that I felt like a fish out of water.

The past 5 years of my life had been college and loads of Young Life. I was good at those things.. But now, all I felt was discomfort and I didn’t like it. I was overwhelmed with everything new that was happening in Raleigh while my heart was still back in Phoenix with my family and friends. I found myself shutting down my personality, putting on a smile, saying I am doing great, and feeling like I was failing as Richie and the program. I became quiet.. Yes I became quiet! I felt isolated and alone. I did not feel myself. I told God that I did not want to be uncomfortable.. I regretted asking for this. I ached to see my routine and comfort. I hated feeling like a failure and a screw up. The devil consistently fed me lies of my worth. But at the same time, Jesus said to look into his eyes. I will admit.. I did not want to. I wanted to do this by myself. I did not want help. I wanted to be good enough to succeed. I wanted to be enough. That just left me hurt even more.

The past few weeks since the program started on September 7th, I have kept reading those bible verses that have clenched my heart for almost 2 years. I am not going to say everything is fixed or easy now. I still find myself holding back and wondering if I can and will connect fully. Those questions are my insecurity while stepping out of the boat. This is where the blog title comes from. But what I am trying to do is hold on to Jesus’ hand and look into his eyes. I quickly realized during these past few weeks that is all I can hold on to. The storm around me which consists of new and discomfort pales in comparison to the grip Jesus has on me. Even if I do not believe or trust at times He can hold me. Walking on water is terrifying because it goes against everything I think should be normal and routine. Jesus is breaking molds and structures I have in place in my mind. He is tearing down walls I have so neatly built. But my hope for this blog (https://manoutoftheboat.wordpress.com) is to be a place to talk about my fear, thoughts, experiences, and trying to trust in Jesus as a … Man Out of the Boat.

Richie Rojas

Worth the Risk?

Raleigh, NC. Oh how I didn’t expect to be here.

Up until recently, my life was on a very different path. Through some turning of events, these plans changed and left me wondering what to do next with my life. The Raleigh Fellows Program somewhat fell into my lap and after some sweet conversations with the infamous Ashley Crutchfield, I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s next best step for me.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -CS Lewis

When I think of my past month in Raleigh, this quote comes to mind. We’re learning how to love. We’re learning how to be vulnerable. But loving involves risk; it involves the potential to hurt and to be hurt. The possibility of being disappointed and let down. And yet, anyone who has ever gone on a great adventure will tell you that it involves a decent amount of risk. The question we’re left with is, is it worth the risk?

On September 6, 2016 I decided that vulnerability, love, and adventure were worth the risk.

A month later I want to say: Thanks Fellows, thanks for not allowing me to avoid entanglements. Because if that’s one thing that I’ve seen so far, it’s that we’re entangled. Our hearts, our lives, our stories. Thanks for letting me be the ninth fellow and for letting me off-set the balance. Thanks for driving across the state to make my dream day a reality. Thanks for desiring to know me, to love me, to get into the mess of life with me. I can’t wait to see what the next 8 months of this adventure looks like. 

-McKenzie "Kenz" Wilson

Discovering Him a little more

The first month as a Raleigh Fellow has already flown by and I find myself asking the inevitable question. Why am I here? In order to answer I think about why I believe in God. I could never truly explain to someone how I knew. I’ve thought about it so many times. I have tried to compose answers that sound eloquent and right, but every time it feels fake. Why do you believe? Why do you spend so much of your time pondering your existence? Why do you claim that God exists? I used to want to answer that by saying well what if you didn’t. Imagine if you went your whole life and never believed in God or never even gave it a real shot, and it turned out to be true. If you hadn’t believed you would lose everything. On the flip side, if you spent your whole life believing it was true and in the end it wasn’t you really wouldn’t lose much. But if it was you would gain the world. I loved that answer, until I realized that it missed the point completely. It is a selfish answer. It is all about me and what I would gain. Once you realize what Christianity is really about, you understand that to miss it and never understand the beauty of the gospel, not only would you lose everything but it would affect more people than just you. Yes, maybe that answer isn’t really that much better but there is something about never being able to have the perfect answer that makes it appealing. I can never understand God fully, and that is something that I have come to realize even more in my first month here.

 I have seen through the stories of the other fellows the vast ways in which God calls his children home. I have seen the way God reminds us of his love, as I have been blessed with a host family who has opened their home to me for no other reason than to serve Him. And I have seen God’s beauty radiate through a church that preaches his word each Sunday. It would be nice to say that my first month here has answered many questions that I have, but honestly it seems to have created even more. Each day I discover the glorious riches of his mystery. Just thinking about the fact that I get to learn something else about God every day that I am on this earth makes me pause. Every time I feel my heart leap and loneliness pulse through my veins I yearn to know God more. There are a million questions I could ask and at some point I will never have the perfect answer. I’ve always felt a pull inside of me, I feel it even more when I draw near to God, and I think it is just an indication that I wasn’t made for this world. There are many times in my life when I worry that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I have moments where I truly feel that I was made for something else and somewhere else. Loneliness dances through my veins and it’s only a matter of time before I feel the homesickness set in. There are seasons where is isn’t as hard, and I think that this is right, but then there are others that make me question everything. I hate how easily my mind pushes God out of the picture. I forget what he has done for me in the past, and I forget that he is truly my only hope. He purposefully made me. It wasn’t some accident or cosmic explosion that lead to me being here. He ordained this very moment in my life. He made me and said I was his. God knows the loneliness and longings of my heart. He knows every single thing about me. And because he knows me fully he knows how to care for me. Even though I am still wondering what my purpose is and what will happen in these next eight months, I know one reason why I am here. To discover the mystery and share it with others. Every day I learn how to do that more and more.

Mariah W. 

Change

Zach Kunkel 10/2/16

Man, oh man, what a month it has been.  I'm in awe already of all that has happened in this short amount of time.  A MONTH.  A month ago I was wondering, hopeful, expecting, weary, and nervous about the next 9 months.  I'd be lying if I said all those feelings had been put to ease, but there are two things that I've already realized about these next 9 months: 1) God is going to be shaping me in extremely evident ways and 2) He has provided some great people to live alongside with for the next 9 months (Matty C, Richie Rich, Stevie, Kenz, Jess-ay, Carryl said Carl, Gebbie, Mariah, AshButCrutch and many more!).  

One aspect of the program is that you enter into the workplace 3 out of the 5 business days.  My internship is at Capstrat in Raleigh near Carter-Finley Stadium.  Capstrat is an agency that focuses on areas such as PR, crisis management, and advertising.  I was so excited coming into it and then when I got there the first day- man was I in for a learning curve.  It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed on the first day but for me, it was something a little more than that.  It was a complete shock (not to be too dramatic).  The first week of the program was more of the same.  It was constantly being overwhelmed and having a lot of stuff to do.  If I could put the program for the first month in one word, it would be "whirlwind".  You are going, going, going.  

NOW, if you're reading this as a current fellow, past fellow, or someone who knows the program, you know what I mean.  BUT, if you're reading this as a prospective fellow or someone who doesn't know the program, please KEEP READING, I promise it gets better! 

To sum up the first few weeks, I was thrown into a whole new world.  The most important decision I made in college each semester was to pick out when I would use my skip days for my classes (sorry mom).  Now, that’s no longer an option.  Being a fellow, and all that comes with it, are new to me but they aren’t bad things. It is simply CHANGE.  What a word.  Change, simply defined by Zachary's dictionary is: not the normal state anymore.  I went into the program knowing that I wanted to grow (how broad of a statement, I know).  But, what I've realized in this short, first month is that in order for Jesus to continue to mold us and sanctify us, we can't be all right with where we are currently.  The fact of the matter is that Jesus loves me TOO much to let me be content with the state of my soul right now.  In fact, it’s crazy but change and being thrown into an uncomfortable, new environment actually creates an environment for growth.  Being uncomfortable and in the midst of this whirlwind, the Lord is teaching me to breathe and be still.  He’s teaching me that change is another way of saying “the old has gone and the new has come.  CRAZY, right? (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm through the keyboard)  

So, I'm excited.  I'm excited for the next 9 months because I've already seen that God is in the business of molding me.  That God will be using these uncomfortable circumstances to bring me to a place of need.  He is guiding me into a place where I can't rest on my own understanding, but where I must constantly rely on Him and His unrelenting grace.  That he really has a plan to make me more and more like him.  

As Smash Mouth put it so eloquently, 

"Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas

I need to get myself away from this place

I said yep, what a concept

I could use a little fuel myself

And we could all use a little change"

Change.  Here it comes.

the beginning

What a start to the Fellows 2017 class. Our first day, the nine of us met each other, all the staff and pastors, all the mentors and host families, and the fabled Ashley Crutchfield and then immediately left to spend the weekend together at the beach. After so much stimulation, it was good to get away and start to get to know each other. Personally, I came into the program desperate for peer community, so being thrown into a group of 8 others, each with intriguing lives and each with a desire to seek the Lord, was exactly what I wanted and needed. Though some of my expectations for the Fellows program have been shattered already, the one for community seems to be on track.

This will be an incredible learning experience. Already we’ve invested incredible time and effort into building and maintaining relationships. I’m confident we will hurt each other, we will have to seek forgiveness, we will forgive, and we will grow in ways we never have before. And that makes me really happy. Conflict when dealt with leads to stronger relationships.

There’s something really sweet when a group of nine that met a month ago misses each other when we’ve been apart for a few days. A group that has committed to love each other intentionally, though imperfectly. A group that has covenanted to seek Jesus more than anything else.

I love that this program is giving us the space to listen to stories and tell our own. Story is so important. Ours is just beginning.

J. Nordstrom

Mysteriously, God

By Matty Chen

I wasn't supposed to be in Raleigh.

How could a kid from Sydney, Australia possibly have known that he would end up in Raleigh, NC this September? 

I loved spending my fourth and final year of college at the University of Virginia. My 2015-16 at UVA was the best year of my life, I would constantly say that to anybody who cared, and also to those who did not. I loved my community, and I loved Charlottesville. Naturally, I wanted to stay and thought that I might just extend this wonderful year into another, and another, and another. I didn't want the fun or the growth to end. 

The Fellows program in Charlottesville seemed like the obvious choice for me - to remain in the town where all my friends are but also invest in my professional, spiritual, and relational development through the program. There seemed to be no better choice for my immediate future. Sure enough, I interviewed two days after submitting my application, and felt like it was all going according to God's wonderful plan. I was beyond just hopeful - I was determined, I was completely consumed by the idea of being able to stay in UVA if not just for another year. My plan was working out.

Of course, God doesn't think like me. God doesn't operate like me. His ways are beyond me, for I am filled with sin, and I cannot possibly comprehend Him fully. I was not accepted into the Charlottesville program, and to say I was devastated when I found out would be an understatement. But little did I know at the time, that was exactly where God wanted me. I thought He had abandoned me, He had promised me something and then took it away from me. That couldn't be farther from the truth. God never breaks His promises. God loves to mold us when we are at the bottom of the valley. When we have nothing to hold onto but Him - that is when we show who we truly love.

During this tumultuous time, I felt so very clearly God speaking to me: "Enter into this program with a heart for Me. Do this so you can learn more about Me, so you can grow closer to Me. Do not do this for any other reason. I am the Most High." A couple weeks later, Charlottesville's Fellows program director encouraged me to connect with Ashley, and so I got on the phone and called her. I thought God was joking around with me. Why would I want to go to Raleigh? I don't even know where that is. I thought God was going to work some wonders and somehow make it all work out, so that I can stay in Charlottesville. Alas, I had still not learnt my lesson. Thank God for Ashley Crutchfield, because as soon as I got on the phone with her, I felt an uncommon peace wash over me, and I instantly knew that Raleigh was where God wanted me to be. Away from where my friends were, away from where my home was, away from where my heart rested. God wanted so desperately for me to realize that He was more important than any of those things. He just wanted me, and for me to be content with wherever I was and wherever I will be, as long as He is with me.

So here I am, in Raleigh, where I fully believe God wants me to be. I am in community with a wonderful group of God-loving people, and I am learning more than I had anticipated and completely enjoying it. How could I have known that I would end up halfway around the world from Sydney where I grew up?

I couldn't have. And it doesn't matter. I don't need to know where God is taking me. I just have to be willing to say "yes" when He inevitably takes me to where He wants me to be.

God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, and I love that.

When My Big Plans Fall Through

This year is not at all what I would have expected. If you had asked me a year, six months or even a few weeks ago, I would not have anticipated where the Lord has me now.

I had big plans for my future. 

In April of my senior year at UNC-Chapel Hill, I was convinced that I was going to be moving to Washington DC to be a legal intern at a large nonprofit. I had all the credentials and the skill-set for the position. I was affirmed time and time again by friends and family,  and I felt strongly that this was where I was going to be. However, one week after graduation. My big plans fell through. Regardless of all my supposed qualifications, I did not get the position.  

After weeks of prayer, I finally started to muster up the courage to see where the Lord was calling me. This is when the Lord opened the door for the Raleigh Fellows program. I interviewed and was incredibly excited to be living in Raleigh and interning in the legal field. I had big plans for this year. I was going to be exposed to the law field and explore career options in this area. However, once again, my big plans fell through. 

This time, I did get my preferred position, but for a variety of reasons, it was not a good fit for me. I won't go into that now because that is a whole different story. For now, though, all that I can say is that my big plans to work in law this year fell through. 

I am now working for Church of the Apostles as their Youth Ministry Intern. My job this year is essentially to hang out with teenagers and tell them about Jesus, and I am incredibly excited about that!  If you would have told me this a year, six months, or even 4 weeks ago, I would not have believed you. "Me, working in ministry? No. I'm thinking about law school. I have an incredible future ahead of me. I have big plans."

However, I have learned that no matter how big my plans are, God's are bigger. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to pour into the lives of kids this year and I know that this is where the Lord wanted me all along. My "big plans" may have fallen through this year, but that means that God's bigger and perfect plan has prevailed. 

I have no idea what this year is going to entail, and I'm not going to try and plan it out because we have all seen where that has led. Instead, I am going to simply trust that the One who has planned my steps perfectly until this point will continue to do so. 

So for this year as a Raleigh Fellow, here's to not making big plans myself, but instead trusting the Author of the master plan.

-Emily Gebbie

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

With a Grateful Heart...

by Carryl Tinsley

As I begin to reflect on our first month as Raleigh Fellows, I am drawn to our very first moments together.  In an attempt to be aware of the ways the Lord is working in my life, I often write gratitude lists in my journal.  Here is my list from the very first morning on our beach retreat, September 8, 2016:

I’m grateful for...

1. The Fellows village that we saw in action at the Welcome Dinner...host families, mentors, past fellows, the committee, teachers, etc.

2. The BEACH and the beauty of creation and the way I see God so clearly in it.

3. My fellow Fellows...the way they make me laugh and are already investing in me and setting the foundation for such strong community.

4. The way Mckenzie listened on the drive down, how she encouraged and loved me so well. She cared.

5. The Troxlers for letting us stay at their house where we will now have such sweet memories.

6. Vulnerability and a chance to begin to open up. I feel loved and accepted and understood by this new family.

7. The Lord’s faithfulness and goodness in bringing each one of the Fellows here.

8. Ashley--her grace and her laugh and the way she connects with anyone and everyone and makes them feel so deeply cared for.

And that all happened in the first 24 hours!!  The Lord has certainly continued to work in my life this past month in some big ways.  Last week, as I shared my story--my unabridged, messy, not-so-put-together, story--with the other Fellows, I felt deeply loved.  I have already seen the Lord bring healing by bringing my brokenness into the light, so I couldn’t hide in the darkness alone.  I see how the Lord is weaving our stories together so that we begin to know each other’s hearts and learn how to love each other well.

He is weaving together the stories of Zach, who somehow got me to go to a State game (which is a BIG deal), and Jessie, who encourages me in the most intentional way.  Stephen  brought me PF Changs lettuce wraps at work, simply because he knows they are my favorite food.  Then there is Gebbie, who is filled with a pure kind of joy that refreshes my soul, and Richie, who I get to see and learn from every day at StepUp.  The Lord chose to include Mckenzie, whose heart is bigger than most, and Matty Chen, who is so filled with the spirit that it can’t help but bubble over.  He allowed Mariah and I to renew a friendship from high school in a beautiful way, and He knew that I would need Ashley’s wisdom in my life.

This is a group of broken people, a group of people with very different perspectives and gifts and outlooks on life.  But above all, this is a group that loves well.  So yes, I am grateful.  I am also scared and encouraged and expectant and you name it, I’ve probably felt it in the last 23 days.  But my heart is at peace because my God is so big. 

Raleigh Fellows 2017 #RFA

By Ashley Crutchfield 

Another start to another year and time is already flying by. People often ask me how does it feel to invest so much time into a group of Fellows and then transition year after year to a new class. It feels... it feels like a big Christmas present every September with the most beautiful wrapping paper and ribbons and so much anticipation for what's inside. I know just a little about each Fellow before they arrive, and of course I've put them all in neat little boxes of who I think they are and what they will be like. It takes no time at all during our annual Orientation Beach Retreat for them to quickly bust out of these boxes I've created. I find humor in unexpected places, vulnerability and depth with strangers, playfulness and games that create trust (ok, not including Killer Killer), beach walks that give space to listen and share stories, favorite kinds of music, and times of prayer and devotions that draw these 9 people into deeper community with both themselves and their Creator. I've just unwrapped a gorgeous gift to find an even better treasure inside. These Fellows. They are kind, generous, thoughtful, deeply loving towards each other, curious to know each person more, funny, deep, intelligent, the kind of people with whom I want to spend time. I feel blessed and grateful to work along side such creative and gifted people for the next 9 months, and hopefully beyond. Fellows 2017, I'm loving this year so far and so excited to spend more time with each of you as we journey together through this year. My prayer is that you will continue in the ways of Colossians 3:12-17 this year. 

Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

A Day at the Farm

It’s no secret I love animals.  My high school college tours often turned into zoo tours, as my mom and I would see the campus and then go see the local zoo.  So naturally, when I came to Raleigh, I tried to look up the nearest zoo.  Apparently there is no Raleigh zoo.  But who needs that when you have Farmer Mary?

In my quest to find a zoo, I stumbled upon a small farm in Wake Forest.  From what I saw on the website, I imagined a quaint little barn surrounded by some pastures with bunnies and lambs where we might feed some animals and afterwards have a nice picnic.  It stated that Farmer Mary was the owner and that she would be happy for anyone to visit her farm, as long as she was texted ahead of time.  Some of the other fellows wanted to accompany me, so I texted Farmer Mary and told her we wanted to come.  Despite her rather brief responses (two one-word texts which made me slightly nervous), one Saturday afternoon, Alison, Emily, Alex, Katherine (a friend visiting from out of town), and I drove up to Wake Forest, cautiously optimistic.  The best word I can use to describe the scene we arrived at is ratchet: a wooden fence surrounded a kind of barnyard containing various pens and furniture/debris.  At the back was an old house – evidently Farmer Mary’s abode, and the other two sides of the “yard” furthest from the street were pastures/enclosures for the larger animals.  To top it all off, there were a variety of animals freely roaming about.

We entered through a gate and were greeted by Farmer Mary herself, dressed in overalls with long grey hair.  We’d brought snacks for the animals, and she led us over to a station to chop up some of the fruits and vegetables and divvy up the food into buckets for each of us.  She had a no-nonsense attitude and didn’t hesitate to immediately tell us the story of how she’d come to be the proprietor of such an establishment.  (We found her to be a brilliant businesswoman: not only does she charge admission, but people bring food to feed her animals, and unwanted animals are often dropped off at her doorstep.)  She then proceeded to show us around the farm.  One of the first animals we encountered was a very pregnant goat on a leash.  Farmer Mary opened the pen, asked, “Who wants a goat?” and thrust it into the first willing hand.  She also handed us a lamb that was just a few weeks old, much to the dismay of the mother, which followed us around bleating while we tried to hide from her.  There were emus (which we fed out of our hands – a somewhat terrifying experience), donkeys, chickens, pigs, peacocks, turkeys, dogs, cats, and guinea pigs (and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others).  But by far the best part was when I found myself with six tiny bunnies in my lap.  I don’t know what happened after that because I got off the tour and held them for a while as they fell asleep on top of each other.  If that’s not a great day then I don’t know what is.

-KF

He Is Risen Indeed!

I absolutely cannot believe we are in the month of April. Where has the time gone? I think this is a challenging time of the year for most of us Fellows as we learn what it means to continue to be present and engaged here as we plan for what's next. It's not a bad thing for us to think about our futures (in fact, in a lot of ways it's what we've been preparing for all year and is quite necessary and good), but it does mean that we will need to make intentional efforts to prevent our minds from living in the future. 

Easter weekend was a highlight from the month of March that makes me feel so so thankful that the Lord brought me to the Raleigh Fellows Program this year and to be in community with these people (although I wish we had all been together!). 

Mike, Andrew, Kate and I took a little road trip to Elkton, VA to spend Easter with the Scheel family. The music selection on the way up was prime - Kate and I randomly selected Disney songs and had Andrew and Mike compete to see who could correctly name the movies the songs came from. Although it was pitiful, Andrew won. We spent the rest of the drive listening to middle school angst music (think Avril Lavigne and My Chemical Romance). It was great. 

We stopped to snap some pics on Skyline Drive!

We were able to get a taste of what life was like for Kate growing up - something I wish we could do with every fellow! We strolled past horse pastures and yards filled with lawn ornaments, and explored the remains of her childhood "fort" (it was literally a circle of rocks). Fun fact: people in Elton, VA love goats. Another fun fact: as Kate and I were getting ready for bed the first night, neighborhood hoodlums threw an egg at us when we were standing in the window. Nice. 

Probably the biggest highlight of the trip for me was our canoe adventure. Kate and I occupied a sleek red canoe that gracefully glided atop the river with ease. Mr. Scheel and Amy (Kate's sister) journeyed in a slightly-less-sleek yellow thing that looked like a canoe/kayak hybrid. But here's where the real adventure sunk in (pun intended): Mike and Andrew rode in a green canoe that, after no more than 7 minutes on the water, began to sink. There was a hole in the bottom of their canoe that had been recently "patched" that, after going through the first set of rapids, un-patched and filled the boys' canoe with water. By the end of the trip, water was entering the canoe at such a rapid pace, Mr. Scheel had to scoop the water out about every 3-5 minutes. Kate and I offered to swap canoes with the boys or help scoop out water, but we were just mostly in the way and were quickly dismissed. So, we had adventures of our own! We pulled ashore to hang out with some baby goats until a protective alpha goat forced us to retreat; we canoed very close to a cow drinking water from the river; we tried to scoop up the bones of some animal we spotted at the bottom of the glassy water (it was less creepy than it sounds); and we sang lots of songs/found harmonies as we basked in the warmth of the sun. I had a blast! The boys, on the other hand, probably think back on this experience less fondly... 

There they are, in all their glory... barely staying afloat

Although not as riveting as the canoe trip, the rest of our time together was wonderful. We played some games, explored downtown Harrisonburg, had a bonfire, ate Hot Cross Buns, celebrated Easter at Kate's home church, poorly decorated a bunny cake, and went to a luncheon with her family and childhood friends. I felt very thankful for the Scheels' hospitality. On the way back, even though it was slightly out of our way, everyone wanted to make a pit stop in Charlottesville. This was a really special moment for me because I got to share a place I love with people I have come to love over the past year. To share such an integral part of my life with these dear friends made me feel somehow more known, more understood. I don't quite have the words to describe it - All I know is that I feel thankful. Thankful for God's faithfulness and provision in the way that He has placed people in my life who love Him and love me. And thankful that we love to spend even our breaks together. 

A quick pic on the Lawn! I'm not sure why we decided to take the picture here and not with the Rotunda in the background... 

- Alex 

March Highlights

It's hard to believe that March is already over and done with.
I remember when I moved to Raleigh and Ashley and Sam would talk about how the Spring would be here before we knew it. I felt like it would never come. But here we are! A month and two weeks left together and I feel like the best is still yet to come (and that's saying a lot, because we've definitely had some of the best). 

Here are some of my highlights from March:

1. Watching the Bachelor and especially the finale with all of the Fellows (mhmmm, boys too) over at Ashley and Sam's. It became our ritual, and we were so sad to see it go. Especially because JoJo didn't win, but that's another issue for another time. 
    
2. Buying a wedding dress. So I meant to make a blog post in February... sorry Ash... because something crazy happened! I got engaged!!! A huge part of March has been planning my wedding. The first weekend of March my mom and sister came to town and we found my wedding dress. Pure joy. 
    
3. Mid-year reviews. This was scary in theory, but simply encouraging and uplifting in reality. I don't want to give too much away, but if you're reading this as a prospective Fellow, you have something to look forward to. 
    
4. All-fellows Roundtable. Fellows from the past joined us at roundtable for fellowship and a discussion on systemic racism (boom)! They also shared advice and prayed for us as we finish up our year and move on to the next thing.
    
5. Farmer Mary. Katie found a "farm" where we could go and pet an assortment of cute farm animals. Only it wasn't really a farm. It was more of a junkyard meets backyard. But it was magical. 
   
   Here's to the rest of Spring!

xo alison 

Bachelor at Ashley's

Discernment

We've been talking a lot about discernment lately - a topic that tends to send chills down my spine. It makes me feel as if there's a "right" answer and the goal is for me to find it. If I find it, God will be happy, I will be happy, and life will go swimmingly. But if I make the wrong choice, God will be upset, I'll be depressed, and everything will fall apart. Even though I know this is not true, why do decisions feel so heavy?

In the book Sacred Rhythms, we are reminded that the goal of discernment is not the answer. The goal is to be brought closer to Christ. With the Spirit dwelling in us, we are able to make decisions according to His will. Rather than God being on the outside, making judgments about our choices, He resides within us. As we learn to listen to His voice and be attentive to our selfishness, we are able to make decisions and experience the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding (aka it doesn't always make sense! the wisdom of God is foolishness to the world). Thankfully, His peace isn't something external that He gives to us - it's His very presence. 

As is the case with most of the Fellows program this year, our classes and discussions "happen" to be matching up perfectly with my difficulties and longings. Currently, I am in the process of deciding where I will attend graduate school for the next 2-6 years. I have narrowed it down to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the University of Wisconsin at Madison. I keep going back and forth for a variety of reasons, and like most big decisions, I have spent a lot of time thinking about every possible factor. I have spreadsheets and outlines and pro-con lists and values assessment calculations galore. 

While these tools are helpful and logistics are a component of any decision, I need to chill out and focus on the flip side - resting in God and being attentive to the Spirit. I need to hold each option before the Lord and listen for His Spirit. When I think about going to Madison, what do I notice in my soul? Where do I find peace or unrest in that decision? What is at the root of those feelings? Is it my selfishness or insecurity? Or is it the Lord speaking to me about where he is calling me? What about UNC? Even as I write this, I know I haven't spent enough time with this decision before the Lord. Actually, writing this is making me excited to go home and do so this evening.

One other helpful tip from Sacred Rhythms is to begin with indifference. The first step in attaining wisdom is to become indifferent to anything but God's will. This is much easier said than done, but through prayer, I can honestly say that I feel indifferent about which school I end up at. Part of me wants to go to UNC because I am plugged into a community down here and the weather is fantastic, but part of me would also be excited to explore Madison and go on a rad adventure up north. 

All in all, I'm excited to see where the Lord is taking me for the next few years. It's fun to think about life as an adventure - walking with God, making decisions, and living through His Spirit. 

AB

what to do with your wait?

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of waiting recently. So many things in my life recently have involved waiting. 7 years ago I was waiting to finish high school, so my “real life” could happen in college. 4 years later I was waiting to graduate so I could start my “real life” on Young Life staff. A year and a half after that I was waiting to move to Raleigh in the fall to start my life in the “real world” I have always sort of fallen into thinking that the next life event on the horizon would be where “real life” was actually going to happen. I have learned two things about waiting in the last couple of weeks.

1.I will always be waiting for something. Waiting to hear back from that interview I had, waiting for the promotion, waiting for that hot chick to finally notice that I’m the right guy, waiting for kids, waiting to retire, waiting really for heaven. C.S. Lewis was on to something when he said that we have a desire for something more than this world can give us, therefore we can assume that we were made for something greater than this world. It is easy to think that the next big thing on the horizon is going to be the solution to my longings. But I know that until that great wedding feast in heaven, I will be waiting for something.

2.Real life is happening right now in those times of waiting. It hurts to think of all of the life I have missed by convincing myself that I just have to get through the next couple of months or so and then I can really start to enjoy life. I heard that the time least like heaven is the future. It seems counterintuitive at first because heaven is in the future. I can get caught up dreaming of what it will be like to live in perfect harmony with Christ just like I can get caught up dreaming of what it will be like being married, or having money to live comfortably. By doing that, I miss the time that is most like heaven, the present. It is where time touches eternity; where freedom and actuality occur (Thanks again for the idea C.S. Lewis) Now I’m not saying that we should never think about the future, but just so that we are sure that it is in accords to what we are doing now and how they are connected.

God has plenty for me here in the present even if it is in a season of waiting. 

MG

He Did it on Purpose

This past weekend, the girl fellows had the enjoyment of going on the highly anticipated Church of the Apostles Women’s Retreat in Wilmington, North Carolina. I had heard awesome things about this retreat from some of the women at church, so I was eager to experience it firsthand. We stayed at a beautiful beachy hotel right on the shore. Over 90 women came to the retreat.  It was crazy. And let me tell you, Apostles has some hilarious women. They did skits each night that were ridiculous.

The keynote speaker for the weekend was Courtney Lancaster, the Young Life area director for Raleigh. She spoke on Isaiah 55, breaking down a couple verses each session. The biggest kicker for me was when we looked at verses 3-5. Isaiah talks about how God prepared David to become a leader, better yet, a king. And what was David before he became a king? A shepherd. Despite how vastly different those two vocations sound, they both tend, nurture, protect, and guide. God prepared David for his role as king through his job as a shepherd.

It made me reflect on my own life, and how I hold on tight to my own plans. I’m holding on so much that I am not fulfilling everything that God has intended for his plan. His good, pleasing, and perfect plan. Corrie Ten Boom said to “hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.” God has been preparing me for his mission’s purpose. My eyes were open, however, to the selfishness of my plans for my life. I am learning to hold everything loosely because God has a wonderful purpose for my life, and your life.

John 15:16 says, “You did not choose me but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.” I was chosen to bear fruit. Even though God sees all of my brokenness, he chose me anyway to bear fruit. That’s my purpose.

-Kate

Some February Highlights

• Coming from New York, I assumed that moving south would bring less snow and fewer snow days.  I was very wrong.  In Raleigh, the threat of a single snowflake falling from the sky brings the city to a standstill.  So far this semester, we’ve missed a couple days of class, and church even got canceled one Sunday.  The biggest snowstorm we’ve had came during a weekend a few weeks ago, and it’s been one of my favorite times with the fellows so far this year.  Almost all of us spent Friday and Saturday night at Alison’s cooking fajitas, playing cards and other games, and watching movies.  Most of the girls had a sleepover both nights, and on Saturday morning we had a fancy brunch complete with circus animal-shaped waffles, pumpkin chocolate chip pancakes and mimosas.
• Monday nights have quickly become one of my favorite nights of the week.  That’s because Monday nights are Bachelor Viewing Party nights at Ashley’s.  It started out as a girl thing, but slowly we’ve been converting the boys into fans of the show.  Ashley usually makes cookies (or cookie dough as I like to eat it) and popcorn, and it’s a lot fun to watch (and make fun of) together.  We especially love Sam’s (Ashley’s husband’s) commentary.
• Our guys are the best.  Last week at Roundtable, we sat down to dinner, and the girls found invitations to a three-course Valentines dinner.  On Monday night, we got dressed up and came to Ashley’s, not quite sure what to expect.  When we walked in, Mike took our coats, and we were each escorted to the table.  Andrew served us wine and prosecco while we began our feast with bread and salad.  For our main course, Chef Mike prepared spinach-wrapped, mozzarella-stuffed chicken with green beans and mashed potatoes.  And for dessert, they spoiled us with oreo cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.  They’re pretty classy and we love them a lot.

-KF

What I am going to do with my life

One of the biggest questions we all face is figuring out what to do with our lives. This question seems especially pressing in our early 20’s because we’re making a lot of decisions about what direction we want to head. This question points to a deep desire within us to do something meaningful and be a part of something bigger than ourselves. I want to live courageously and be a part of an adventure.

In the past, this used to produce a lot of stress for me. I felt like there was always a “right” choice. What college should I go to? Who should I marry? What should I do next summer? Should I have honey bunches of oats or cinnamon toast crunch?

Lately, this question has been producing significantly less stress for me. I am in a fun season of life where the Lord is slowly revealing where he wants me to serve him. I think this relief has come from a greater understanding of the great story – God’s creation, redemption, and movement within our lives.

With a proper understanding of the biblical narrative, the fear associated with the future vanishes! There isn’t one right answer that I’m trying to find. God isn’t waiting with a hammer to smack me if I make the wrong choice. As long as I live within the moral will of God, there are SO MANY things I can do for him. So what do I want to do? He’s given me passions and strengths and experiences and weaknesses. How do I want to glorify Him and join the adventure?

That’s what it means to be free in Christ. It’s a paradoxical freedom – similar to finding a wife. When you commit to stay with one person, you are in one sense limiting yourself. But at the same time, that opens you up to not look at every other attractive person with your eyebrows raised thinking, “is this headed somewhere??”. There’s freedom in binding yourself to another. Becoming one with Christ gives us incredible freedom to love Him and serve Him and offer Him everything he has given us. After all, what can we offer to him that we did not first receive from Him? (Romans 11)

I know these thoughts aren’t new revelations – I’ve been told these things for years. But God is solidifying these truths in my mind and I am experiencing His freedom in a new way through this season.

AB

I Am Thankful

November has been a month of incredible blessings, from discovering that my parents are going to get a puppy, to getting to share the gospel with someone very close to me (and seeing it transform his heart). I have been given so many good gifts in this life that I could never write them all down. In honor of Thanksgiving, I’m taking this opportunity to jot down a few things I’m most thankful for, in this acrostic poem. Enjoy!

I am thankful for . . .

Amazing love and compassion from the Lord & friends and family . . .
My mom, dad, and sister . . .

True friendships, both old and new . . .
Hope, and a healthy body, mind, and spirit . . .
A place to call home away from home . . .
New opportunities to learn and grow . . .
Knowledge of God and His love for me . . .
Food and freedom . . .
Undeserved grace and mercy . . .
Life everlasting.