Press In and Step Out

I can totally get away with staying comfortable in the next 7 months. I can continue to build a space where my routine of activities and behavior limit any sort of risk, stress, and anxiety. To most people that seems ideal - to be content in a space where absolutely everything is NEW.

A steady prayer of mine for months leading up to the beginning of the program was that God provide me with a sense of comfortability about it all. To feel content in where I am at and what I am doing. And though I am in no way undermining the fact that God hears and answers prayer, I am already sensing restlessness in what it is I asked for.

Another prayer of mine is that the Lord continue to mold me into being a bold and confident woman of faith and because I care more about what I think of God, what kind of young woman I am, and how I am contributing to the world, I must sprint from this comfort I find myself in.

I don’t think God cares too much about our comfortability, that we feel settled at all times. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in comfortability. I love how beautiful familiarity is; it is steady, restful, and delightful, but it is not the environment for growth. And if that’s what I am pursuing, especially enough to do a Fellow’s program instead of moving to NY, LA, or staying in Nashville, I have to honor that. I need to be bothered, irritated, and for lack of better words feel uncomfortable and out of control. I am choosing to allow faithfulness to His Word transform how I step out and press in.

I want to deliberately explore new habits and ways to challenge myself to growth. It could be as simple as not being on social media when I could be reading for homework (...), leaning into uncomfortable conversations with myself, and putting myself even more out there with people within fellow’s, the church, and in Raleigh.

I love that the Lord has shown Himself through my friends here in Raleigh. That He has shown me that He honors my experience here and truly wants to show me enriched community. He has blessed me with THE EASIEST people to love and celebrate. However, I am so thankful He calls me to more; to continue to press in and step out in faith because being uncomfortable is so much better - and more fun.  

Emilee Grissom

Start With The End

Reading my grandmother’s obituary just days after we had been assigned to write our own obituaries in Mary Vandel Young’s Spiritual Formation class was a bizarre experience. Here I am, asking myself a question that my grandmother can no longer ask—her impact has already been made on earth.

How do we desire to be remembered? How are we living right now to end up there?

Recognizing in myself the ways that I desire to be remembered once I leave this earth is a scary and vulnerable task. Even brainstorming for my own obituary left me nervous… How am I actually doing? If today were my last day, how would my obituary read then? In actuality, someone else will write it and recount for me... However, trying to write it now, on my own, causes me to more fully grasp that my actions matter in this moment. I am the only one who is living my life. What story have I helped write for myself up to this point?

My grandmother is remembered for many things, especially her faith. Her life was greatly shaped by experiences with the Lord, so much so that her testimony was used for the final chapter in a book titled, My Person Pentecost. She always enjoyed writing, specifically writing poetry. Although I read several beautiful things she had written during the moments around her funeral services, I think that I was the most moved by hearing from her long-time best friend who spoke at the funeral service. During the service, this gentle woman, a soul sister by the name of Matilda, made her way to the front. Matilda spent her time in front of the congregation smiling and saying, “I loved her.” Matilda radiated joy and sang love through her simple spoken words and mannerisms. Watching her allowed all of us into their friendship just enough to feel its weight and understand its impact on the both of them. I loved it so much, and although I had never met this woman prior to the funeral, tears flooded my eyes because of the way she spoke of my grandmother.  They loved each other and they loved Jesus.

I can only pray to be remembered in that same love. I am so thankful for the dear women who have been put in my life, and I hope that I can start living out my obituary. I am now convinced there is no better place to start. Thank you, Grandma, for giving me the gift of a new beginning at your earthly end. Rest in peace, you are loved. 

-Rachel 

Chapter 1: Be Present

A main focus of mine coming into the program was being present here. I want to experience these 9 months for what they are and not feel the pressure to worry about what is to come in the future. I want to soak in all the new things. Oftentimes I struggle to stay grounded in the things I am experiencing because I get caught up worrying about my future plans. I knew this time would be an incredible opportunity for growth, so I wanted to really take advantage of that.

We discussed this idea at RoundTable the other night after we watched a Ted Talk on technology. The speaker spoke on the impact of our devices on our ability to be present. We are so busy staring down at our screens that we miss out on the most important things in our life like our relationships. It is so easy to become distracted in our world. We spend hours scrolling through social media looking for affirmation to distract ourselves from what’s really happening right in front of us. This causes us to miss out on spending quality time with the people that we love and distracts us from engaging in our relationship with our creator. It is now difficult for me to even spend 30 minutes in silence spending time with God. We have been conditioned to constantly feel the need to be busy and entertaining ourselves. It’s tough to simply be in the present.

This is something that I am struggling with and hope to take active steps to combat this year. I don’t want to miss out on the greatest things in my life that are going to bring me real fulfillment and joy. If one day we look back on our life and see all the time we threw away staring at our devices instead of being with the people we’re with, what would we think? I don’t want that to be the case for me because I know it wouldn’t look good. I want to spend time with God before I decide to pull out my phone. I want to take the time to be intentional and have good conversation. Something I am beginning to learn over the past couple of months is that if you want to write a good story, don’t miss out. Avoid distractions and don’t miss out on the opportunity to invest in people because you’re busy staring at your phone. This is easier said then done, but I hope to live this out moving forward.

Dan Gilgannon

Struggling With The Obvious

“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” –Mother Theresa

Throughout my time as a Fellow I have been thinking about the idea of doing hard and holy things. It should be obvious to me that doing hard things is hard, but for some reason I tend to think that it won’t be. Sometimes I don’t choose to love the people closest to me today, yet I think in the distant future I will go the distance for the vulnerable. I sometimes think that I can choose sleep over my quiet time today, but in the distant future I will have a rich prayer life and a deep and vast knowledge of the Bible.  

I have realized that the opposite of doing evil is cultivating good, rather than just not doing bad. It’s definitely beneficial that I’m not reading licentious books, but am I soaking myself in the Word of God and writing it on my heart? It’s great that I’m not trying to sabotage my friends and family, but am I encouraging them, loving them, praying for them, and helping them to know who they are in the Lord? It’s great that I’m not actively pursuing methods of self-harm, but am I actively seeking understanding of who I am in the Lord?

I find myself guilty of this kind of coasting… not blatantly harming but also not dying to myself to cultivate life. I have been thinking about the season that I am in right now and how I can grow and serve in it, developing disciplines that go against the autopilot of my sinful heart. To be honest, it is much more fun to dream about being a doctor who in 10 years serves her patients and fights for their best interests rather than actually sit down with someone today and not talk about myself the whole time.

These things that I find hard but I like to think don't really matter are the disciplines that would be ridding me of myself and making me more like Christ. 

So this is where I find myself, wrestling with the most obvious truths, rolling my eyes that this is so hard for me to grasp. Thankfully, I find myself in good company with a Bible full of people that seem to make the mistakes that I think are so obviously avoidable, yet loved by a gracious God who does not declare us lost causes.

-Faith

being tilled

I have a strong aversion to hard conversations. I’ve never been good at addressing conflict or having hard conversations, and have typically avoided them almost “like the plague.”

Why? I can’t simply write it off as “that’s my personality,” though in a lot of ways, I am a people-pleaser. But over the past few days I’ve tried to dig deeper into the why behind this. Why do I avoid conversations that are hard, why do I let conflict fester instead of addressing it and shutting it down?

Maybe because if I do address conflict, or when hard conversations are hard, I have to acknowledge my own brokenness and my own need for grace. Crazy, I know. You would think after walking with the Lord for most of my life, I would recognize that need. But alas, I fall victim time and again to the belief that I can be independent and I don’t need others; and moreover to the belief that I don’t need God’s grace.

Through hard conversations that have had to happen this month, I’ve come to notice my own brokenness and insecurities and subsequently, my own need for grace and for the Lord Jesus Christ. For too long, I’ve been wanting both Jesus and an idol: both Jesus people’s affirmation of me. I’m learning now, through these hard conversations, and by God’s grace working in me that my ultimate belonging and acceptance in Christ needs to be sufficient; and always will be sufficient.

As Tim Keller puts it,

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

Though my own brokenness, sinfulness, and insecurities are come to more light for, I would choose to name this season as a season of “tilling.” We till our gardens and fields for the purpose of turning over the soil to allow increased growth. In the same way, God graciously works in our hearts to “till us” for the purpose of growth; turning over our sin, brokenness, and insecurities and leading us to the Cross.  Not comfortable, not easy, and in fact quite hard: but the Lord is so gracious in these seasons of tilling.

As I learn these lessons, and walk through this season of tilling, I am yet so grateful for the many good and lovely things that have blessed me this month. Some of us girls enjoyed a Needtobreathe concert; we all went to the state fair (talk about sensory overload; but fun nevertheless!); and the youth retreat we went on with our kiddos. This retreat was exhausting in every way (especially for an introvert – it was all people time!), but at the same time I got to grow deeper in relationship with my sweet 6th grade girls, and watch them grow more deeply in relationship with one another. I also got a glimpse of heaven as I soaked in the voices of over 80 youth worshipping the Lord, and realized how deeply I wanted for all of my 6th grade girls to know the Lord and have a deep awareness of His love and the hope they have in Christ.

My prayer for them, and for all those I have and will meet this year, and definitely for myself, comes from the words of my Wheaton class song, which comes from 1 Thessalonians 5:23: “Now may God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you and never cease.” This prayer resonates deeply – through seasons of tilling, through the valleys, and on the mountaintops, may the Lord himself sanctify us and never cease.

I know I am where I need to be for this season of tilling- this season is not comfortable, but it keeps leading me to the Cross- where I need to go; and where I receive grace upon grace.

Come as you are – come to Jesus, come sit at the table & come taste the grace. 

-Katie

There's More To The Story

“Tell me your story.”

This common phrase in Christian culture is belittling. Let me tell you why…

We hear this question and we go straight to our childhood, and sometimes to who we were before we “knew” (or whichever word you use) Jesus. We like to talk about our families, what all we have done in our lives, who and what has been impactful, our relationships (maybe even wife and kids...and yes, grandparents and grandkids too), where we have lived, etc. Sometimes we see the phrase as synonymous to our “testimony”.  Although all of these things are good and important parts to our “story”, they are exactly that; parts. We are doing our stories a disservice when we restrict them to these aspects. 

This month I’ve had the chance and been invited to unpack what really is my “story”. What I’ve realized and truly began to grasp is just how important my story actually is. My story is so much more than my childhood memories, hobbies, family, and even my testimony. It sits within the grand story of creation; and ultimately, its redemption. Adam and Eve, Abraham, the Exodus, Paul, and The Last Supper are just as much apart of my story as Mom and Dad, my siblings, Greensboro, the week at Young Life camp that changed my life, and Lord willing, a wife and kids in the future. These historical people and events play a significant role in who I am, where I come from, and where I am going. Being easily deceived, grasping for the fruit, commitment before understanding, repetitive unbelief amidst constant provision and kept promises, humility and change of heart, and reconciliation are each a piece to my story and life. These are just a few ways in which I have seen my story intertwined in the biblical narrative and how recognizing my place in the grand scheme often changes my perspective. I can truly sit and experience how my life and story is a continuation of these past stories.

Now don't think that I’m downplaying my family, friends, how I started a personal relationship with Jesus, and the rest of my experiences during my 22 years on earth. I’ve also gained a hefty appreciation for all the ways these things impacted me. At the same time, I’ve started to dig deeper and wrestle with all the ways my experiences and habits in life have influenced me covertly. Things like what my family talked about at the dinner table, who I hung out with growing up, what activities I did, what our parents pushed or didn’t push us to do, relationships with our extended family, what high school and college I attended, and so much more left a bigger mark on me as a person than I would have realized otherwise. I am aiming to be more cognizant of the lies and traps that are in my everyday life, both small and big, that leave a mark on my heart and mind. Too much has gone unnoticed so far; my hope is that a deep and wide awareness would permeate my heart, soul, mind, and body.

This past month has been far from easy, comfortable, or routine. I’ve been moving at a faster pace than I have in a long time. I haven’t felt “in the rhythm” much at all. I’ve been struggling to balance work, preparing for class, time with my host family, time with my immediate family, exercise, other commitments, time alone, and time with the Fellows. Being close to home and friends at UNC and other nearby cities has been both a blessing and a downfall. It makes it that much harder to manage relationships within the Fellows and all the different spheres in my life. Interruptions, changes of plans, and lost time have all been challenges. Being holistically disciplined (physically, mentally and faithfully) in a whirling environment like this is extremely difficult. There are some good days, and lots of hard days where I feel like I missed that mark (that’s my 1-wing coming out for all you Enneagram people reading, or not reading, out there). At times, this can be discouraging and lies can lead me to believe it’s shameful. However, I attempt to combat those false ideas with these truths that I’ve been learning. I am constantly reminded of my good friend, Austin, who passed on the wise words given to him from his own mentor that “growth and comfort cannot coexist”. This statement has sat with me for a year and a half now, and each time I am reminded of it, it becomes truer and truer to me.

This was much longer than I originally anticipated, and there is much more going on than I desire or have the time to write about. As with most of these posts, I will be the one that benefits most (if not at all) from it. God’s peace to any of you readers out there.

-Taylor Irvin

(Papa T)

To Overflow

I've kept a prayer journal ever since the first day I started following Christ. Every now and then I enjoy reading the entries from years ago to remember what I was going through and to see the Lord's faithfulness. 

Around this time last year, according to my journal entry, I was praying through what to do after graduation. The Fellows program was on my mind, but I really had no other ideas for what 2017 may hold. Throughout last fall I remember feeling more and more of a call to go to Raleigh and to do exactly what I am currently doing. 

I've been telling people for the past week how content I am here. I am content in my job, with my new friends, with my mentor, in my home, in Raleigh. Everything feels right. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm in the Lord's will. 

I am normally a peaceful person, but I have never felt so much peace before in my life. Maybe it's because for the first time ever I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, and I chose to keep my hands open to the Lord. I know the only reason I'm here is because he put me here. He has blessed my surrender to him. 

It's a good thing to be content. For me, though, I'm scared of sitting too comfortably in it. If there's anything I've felt the Lord teaching me this year, it's that there is more. The more space I offer him in my life, the more he's going to come in. He will never be finished filling me with himself. 

So I'm content, and I'm incredibly thankful for that. But I know that my cup is not meant to simply be filled, it's meant to overflow. Lord, I pray I can give you all the space I have in my life so that your fullness may dwell in me. 

- Elaina

If I'm Honest

Almost two months into the Fellows program, and I do not feel like myself. Pre-Fellows program Calley did not communicate well at all. If she sensed conflict, she ran from it. She’d rather lie than face the often awkwardness of honesty. That is me. That is who I am and that is what I do.

Or it was. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a switch has been flipped somewhere. I find myself speaking my mind, verbally articulating my feelings. If I sense even the slightest hint of conflict with another Fellow, I try to talk it out as soon as possible. Granted, when having to have such confrontations, I feel sick to my stomach and my pulse is racing. I speak my mind and instantly fear the reaction my statements will cause. Will I lose a friend? Am I pushing too hard? Will they resent me or judge me? But I know it is necessary. This group is to be my family for the next seven months, and a well-differentiated family (as we learned in our Family Systems class) has open communication, even if it leads to conflict. Two months in, and I already love my new family so much, and with every roundtable, every class, every Monday lunch, I love them more. It would be unfair, then, for me to still be old Calley, someone who lets fear and anxiety keep her from being honest about how she feels. So, in the spirit of honesty, there are days I wake up and have to talk myself into going to work, even though I love my job. There are days I sit in class and spend the whole three hours daydreaming. There are days I feel distant from the other Fellows, and days some of the other Fellows feel distant from me. How’s that for honesty?

Almost two months into the Fellows program, and I do not feel like myself. I feel better.

~ Calley

Welcome

"Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." -Romans 15:7

One of the biggest struggles I have seen and heard of for those transitioning from life in college to the "real world" is finding community. Belonging is something we all strive for and desire, and it usually it isn't easy. Work, travel, new living arrangements, different cities, stress, families, and so much more can quickly become an impedance to our ability to feeling like we belong. I was blessed with my community while at UNC, but now I'm gone too.

I am thankful to say that this has not been the case for me right after leaving my community at UNC. Moving to Raleigh and embarking on the Fellows Program has been the most welcoming experience. Church staff and members, host families, mentors, employers, community members, teachers, and other fellows have all welcomed me with open arms. They have opened up their homes, refrigerators, schedules, wallets, wisdom, and themselves. Belonging was the first of many gifts within the first month of being in Raleigh.

However, I want to unpack it a little further. The Romans verse above has stuck with me over the past 3 years. For most of that time I really looked at it in a sense of a "welcoming" atmosphere to those around me, those in my house, and those I encountered in daily interactions. But lately, I've been sitting on more and more aspects of how "Christ has welcomed" all of us. Christ welcomes us into every part of his life; his living and his dying, his creating and his redeeming, his sitting and his walking, his speaking and his listening, his power and his humility, his freedom and his obedience, and also his love. I am all the more thankful that these relationships that have already been built during my first month as a Fellow have given me a taste of this kind of welcoming. My hope and my confidence is that I will imitate this manner more and more each day.

And so I say "welcome" to these next 8 months specifically. Welcome to the fun, the laughs, the nicknames, movie and game nights, Round Table, Church of the Apostles, Neighbor to Neighbor, all the classes (and reading and papers), the Curlin's/Batchelder's, Knott & Boyle PLLC, Brad McGinity, Sam & Ashley Crutchfield, Sunday nights at The Deal, the Raleigh Fellows Committee and community, hard conversations, tiredness, Raleigh traffic, long days after F3, and everything else in store for me. 

"Welcome, to the real world."

-Taylor Irvin

A taste of Raleigh

Hey there, pals!

Food blogs are all the rage, so… I am going to give you a little taste of what my experience arriving in Raleigh has been: I have been seasoned and delighted with ‘hellos’ and more introductions than I can count. These have been like appetizers, giving me an anticipation of what’s to come and reminding me daily that I am where I am supposed to be. The Lord has placed me here and He has created a community to take me in. I am savoring His assurance (cool beans!).

Raleigh and the Fellows Program offer so much that it’s hard to decide what concise aspect I want to write about here without taking all your time… but what I feel that I have relished most in this first month, and therefore will share with you, is the consistent welcoming attitude I have encountered from the moment I set foot in Raleigh. I have savored small moments and gestures that greeted me as the warmest welcomes. My new, post-undergraduate beginning has sparked in me a desire to intentionally welcome others into my places and spaces in a similar fashion. I have absolutely loved getting to know my awesome fellow-mates who are here with me, but our time getting to know each other would not be possible without the community surrounding us with outstretched arms. This deep-rooted welcome has been the sweetest hug of comfort for me and I am so thankful for its continuous presence. As a fellow, everything feels new and nothing seems ‘known’ yet, but these people have allowed me to know that I am welcome.

“When the crowds learned it, they followed Him, and He welcomed them and spoke to them of the kingdom of God and cured those who had need of healing.” Luke 9:11. A big thank you to Church of the Apostles and the greater Raleigh community for welcoming me, speaking of the Kingdom to me, and for beginning to send healing my way that I did not know I was in need of. You are showing me Jesus!

Here are 10 of the many extremely comforting “welcome/join-us” moments I have had in this first & fast month of September as a Raleigh Fellow:

1)    The Young’s sweet signs for me, hung in my room upon arrival

2)    Coffee with my mentor, Janet, before the program even officially started

3)    The first hug/big smile I got from Ashley on our first morning together and the many thereafter

4)    The welcome lunch prepared by Lou for the fellows at the church our first afternoon

5)    The “official” premade nametag waiting for me at my first day of work

6)    Old fellow classes including us in their social plans

7)    Members of the church community knowing my name and remembering it

8)    The Mangum’s having us over for lunch every week

9)    My Monday Mentee with Neighbor to Neighbor telling me that she couldn’t wait for our next meeting

10) So many host families allowing us to take over their spaces, sometimes late in the evening to watch various sports games and TV shows like This Is Us

I was excited to start the Fellows Program and now after the first month, I’m even more excited anticipating what the next 8 will bring to our table! 

-Rachel Ray

Writing a Story

Writing a Story

Why are we so captivated by a good story? Why do we spend countless watching movies and reading novels? Why did I feel the the need to read the 7th Harry Potter in one sitting? These are all questions I have been asking myself recently. Over the summer, I read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. Miller discusses the concept and the power behind story by highlighting his experience attempting to turn his successful memoir into a movie. He explains what elements compose a great story and how we are all individually created for a story. I was fascinated by his life and related to many of the feelings and questions Miller had about the kind of story he was writing. We are all desperate to write a story that has meaning, love, impact, adventure and excitement. We want our story to affect other people and leave a lasting legacy. Yet, how does one write a meaningful story? Oftentimes it feels like we’re writing a rather dull story as we trudge through our daily routines- I wouldn’t say I’m changing the world at my internship. Jesus said he came so that we could have life to the full, but it’s just tough to feel that way sometimes.

This idea of story has already been raised in a couple of our classes while discussing the old testament, family systems, and work within and our culture. I’m excited to learn how my own personal story has shaped me and to better understand the biblical narrative. I really don’t have the answers, but I am hoping to explore these questions over the course of this program. This is definitely a step into the unknown and an uncomfortable place for me having lived in Charlottesville my whole life. I believe that The Lord works when we step outside of our comfort zones and I hope I will be open to what he has for me. I’m also excited to spend the next 8 living life and learning from the other fellows.

Ultimately, this is why I’m doing this program(and pretty much everything we do in life). I want to live out a story that means something. I’m attempting not to live out my own story, but rather to put myself in the best position to live out the story that God has created for my life. That story is much more fulfilling and meaningful than anything I could imagine for myself. I feel confident that this step into an uncomfortable and new situation has me headed in the right direction.

-Dan

The Freshest Start

Dalton Taylor

Hey friends and family!

As many of you know I committed to the fellows program very late and was blessed enough to snag that last spot just three weeks before the program started. We are now three weeks in and I cannot express the comfort I have experienced from the lord in this last minute transition. I was anxious, nervous and uncertain about why all the jobs I had applied and interviewed for just seemed to fall through in such weird and mysterious ways. Frustration was beginning to boil over. A week before I sent in all my application information, I received an email from a family friend saying the program had an opening last minute because a guy had dropped. In this moment I had two options. The first was to continue to follow these “leads” for jobs that would most likely fall through and be frustrated in what my purpose in life was. The second was to follow the advice of a former fellow we hosted when I was young and “stop being an idiot and do the program”. The straightforwardness was something that I needed (the enneagram 9 in me). So I had a good conversation with our director Ashley and I committed.

Romans 12: 2 says "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will"

A majority of my life I have viewed the start of new things as fresh starts to change/adjust to being the man the lord created me to be. However I never really followed through once I got to the feeling of comfort in whatever the new experience was. This verse in romans was read a couple times during our orientation retreat and has just continued to stick with me in these first three weeks. Of course I always knew the verse but never in the context that it had been explained to me in our first weekend as “new best friends”. I also took this verse extremely literal in that I wanted to renew my mind through the healing and strength of the lord.

This fresh start has been unlike any other in my life. I am so grateful for the 10 other fellows the lord placed in this program. I am thankful for the way the lord has provided me outlets for healing, growth and comfort. He truly works in the MOST mysterious ways. As I continue to grow throughout this next nine months I ask that you pray for our class, jobs, relationships and experiences. Thank you to anyone reading this that has provided financial support and guidance in such an exciting/nerve-racking season of my life. Something I can say I am learning is that the lords plan for our lives is so much more important than our own. I am thankful now that he provided me this program and this fresh start.

Until next time!

DT

Living in Answered Prayer

I think there is something to be said about friendship. In just knowing that one friend can completely change everything. To feel seen, known, and loved does something to us. A prayer for awhile now has been just that;  deep, intimate, hard, and real friendship with believers. It was also a big reason why I wanted to do a Fellow’s program in the first place. Community.

From the initial phone call with Kara Smith to talking to Ashley on the phone (a lot), I got the simplest taste of what Christian community COULD look like, however I had far too many reservations. Was it legit? I know it could be deep and cherished, but could it actually be…. fun?

In a little shy of my one month here I now laugh at that. Laugh at my prayers of asking the Lord to establish at least ONE friendship quickly and laugh at myself that I prayed so hard for the Lord to help me feel comfortable around groups of Christian’s, because I never had really been around any before. I also prayed for my guard not to go up but instead to trust in them. I laugh not because my prayer’s are wrong or that I shouldn’t share even what seems to be the tiniest of my desire’s to the Lord, but because the Lord continues to show me He is who He is. He is trustworthy. He is Provider. It is simply in His nature, it is also His joy in doing so. He is a God who knows the importance of friendship and community. He knew my reservations and so quickly showed me that He provides so much more than I could have ever hoped for. The past month has been filled with deep and quick friendships (praise God), comfort, so many giggles, and meaning. Thank God that He has abundantly more for us than we can ever hope and dream of.

I am thankful for the Spirit led and Christ driven people I have met in the past month. You guys have been reassuring, loving, dependable, bold, fun, and the absolute biggest answer to a long prayer of mine.

Emilee Grissom

Nourishment

by Faith Dunn

The last month has been stacked with transition, new everything, stress, and all other stretching things, so I am surprised to look back and not think, “I don’t know how I got through that but I am glad it’s over,” as I typically do in such stretching seasons.  

Throughout the past month I have felt so covered in prayer and reminded of truth. People telling me to take it one day at a time, people looking into my eyes (and I think into my soul) and asking me how I am doing. People encouraging to press into my identity as Christ’s creation. My host family having a conversation with me when I walk in the door.

This is not how I usually live in a busy season. Usually I rush from one thing to the next, pick up Chick-fil-A along the way, note all the travel coffee mugs that need to be washed at some point, and feel guilty that I didn’t make time to truly connect with my loved ones, hoping that a season will come soon when it comes more naturally.

I have laughed more than I can ever remember, and been refreshed watching busy, important people prioritize solitude with the Lord, a meal with family and/or friends, exercise that strengthens the body and refreshes the mind, hours of prayer, game nights that let you lose track of time, a night of worship, a simple night at home. These are the things that I used to consider luxuries that I have now observed to be immeasurably life giving.

As friends are starting to think about what they will do after graduation, they have started to ask me about Raleigh Fellows. I can’t exactly articulate what I love. Sure, the classes are great, I love my job, and volunteering at Neighbor 2 Neighbor is incredible. But there is something deeply soul nourishing about this program, this church, and the people I am surrounded by, and each day is like a little massage on my chronically hurried soul.

Month 1 in the Books

By Chris Fronczak

Dear friends, family, and whomever else may be reading this: thank you for taking time to learn about what is going on in Raleigh Fellows. We appreciate all the support from every single one of you guys as well as the numerous prayer that have been offered for us already. I would be lying if I said I couldn't see the affect of them on the start of our program year.  I would love to fill you in on a few things that have happened over this past month. Believe me when I say that I would love to fill each and every on of you in about every little thing that has happened, however there is no possible way to include all of that in this post so I will give a "highlight reel" version of that. 

It has now been just about a month since I moved to Raleigh North Carolina.  I packed my car and drove down to 5524 Kimbrook Dr. (my host families address) on Tuesday, September 5th and that date could not have come soon enough.  The last 3 or 4 weeks of summer were pretty tough being at home because most of my friends had either gone back to school by then, or had real jobs, or had started other after school plans of theirs. That period of time (and just this summer in general) was when it really hit me how important fellowship is, to have believers around you where you could bond on the common unity of Jesus Christ with each other.  Also during this time I got really good at explaining what a "fellows program" is.  If you are still not sure what exactly it is, then you are on the perfect website to find that out :)

Have any of you guys ever straight up drove to a totally new place, knocked on the door of a totally new house, and walked in with all your stuff to live with a totally new family that you may have talked to once or twice?  If so then you understand that it is not natural in the least.  It is not common to just walk into someone else's home and make it your own.  These were the feelings that I experienced that day. However when I knocked on the front door I was greeted by a huge hug from Pauline Byron and immediately was sat down and asked my life story before my car was even unpacked.  I knew this was going to be good for me from that moment.  To top it off, the first thing that Chris Byron said to me when he got home from work was: "have you gotten yourself a beer yet?"  THAT is when I knew that this family was awesome and that I would be just fine feeling like I am at home.  Fast forward a whole 3 and a half weeks to now and I feel comfortable enough to leave my clothes lying on my floor and to really be able to be myself.  I think on top of being hospitable, my host family has also cared for me as they would for their own children, as well as been a source of wisdom and guidance to me as I am trying to juggle meeting new people, maintaining old relationships, working, and being involved in classes and other program activities.  It has been a huge blessing thus far and I am super thankful for every single bit of it. 

On top of moving into someone else's house, the next day in the program, we met at our director Ashley's house with all the other fellows and were told that we were to become best friends.  So in two days now I am supposed to call a new place my home, and totally new people my best friends.  I wasn't as much overwhelmed as I was a little uncomfortable.  If you know me, I am not good at doing introductions and talking about myself in that way, not to mention I didn't want my first impression with my new best friends to be a bad one.  Well thankfully, after a whole day spent together meeting church staff, and other people involved in the fellows program I learned everyones names (the fellows that is, I still meet people at church who's name I should know) and felt like we were getting somewhere.  That night we all became more comfortable with each other as they stuck all the guys in a car together to drive 3 hours to the beach for our first retreat.  On the ride we found out a lot more about one another, along with many surprises such as Hayes' taste in music, and Dalton's part time hobby that he is involved in.  This was the story of the beach retreat: we had meetings where we went over rules and expectations of the program, but the best part was getting to play games and hangout with one another laughing and having a great time making inside jokes with each other (which some still live on).  So within the first few days I had been put in some different yet seemingly uncomfortable situations, however God had worked through each one showing me that the strongest way to hold relationships together is through the cross of Jesus Christ.  Now each of us actually are close friends and have been pushing one another in growing towards the Lord together while also taking time to giggle throughout it. 

Ok many of you are probably getting tired of reading this so far and I will begin to wrap it up, but I would like to highlight a few other things that I have learned or gone through thus far in a month: 

• My job: it is not what I had expected it to be.  For those of you who know, I studied Biology in college with hopes to eventually go onto graduate school in the medical field.  I have been feeling unsure about this path over the past year or so, and I figured that if I could work in a position for 9 months during this program I will be able to discern whether that would be the right track for me or not. Seems like I have drawn up a good plan for my next step right?  Wrong.  I was reminded in a rather hard way that when I make plans, they might not always be what the Lord wants for me, at least right now.  So I am working construction at a company called Hill Building Solutions (when I say that fast people think I am saying "hillbilly solutions" which would be an awesome company btw).  I am working with a man named Martin Hill who used to be a member at Church of the Apostles and has been in the real estate and construction business for many years now. Pray for this time with him that I will be able to learn what God wants to teach me. So far I have enjoyed it much more than I thought might be the case. 
• My relationship: I am in a relationship that is long distance as my girlfriend Mayumi is doing the Salt Lake City fellows program.  Going different ways and doing different programs seemed to be a terrifying, awful idea in some respects since we had each always lived 5 minutes down the road from each other in high school and college. However God has shown us each that He needs to individually shape us in our respective programs, while at the same time bringing us closer together in ways that only He can do.  People ask me how it has been doing long distance and I usually respond "that has been the easiest and best part of this so far!" Praise Jesus for technology and being able to see someone else's face on the other side of the country.  He has really forced us to have to communicate in a healthy way with each other, to fight to protect our relationship, and reassure one another that we are committed to each other constantly.  It has been a joy for each of us to walk through essentially the same path in different areas and to be able to share that with one another.  Don't read this whole letter and think that things have not been hard in any ways, but even if they are hard, they are GOOD
• My personal growth: I have already alluded to many things that have forced me to be shaped but let me just reiterate that everything that has happened and will happen here is to achieve the goal of shaping me into the man of Christ that God wants me to be.  If any of you have experienced God shaping you in that way, you know that many times it hurts, many times it is NOT easy, and many times it is not what we think is best for ourselves.  I have experienced all of these in 3 and a half weeks.  Pretty crazy.  I also know that this is just the beginning of this stretching and shaping of me.  I can see areas of my life that still need to be worked on and I have been praying that I would be willing to let them go to God as he wants to take them. One quick example is that for those of you who know what the Enneagram is *eye roll* it has been an obsession amongst some of the fellows and maybe even the director....As stated earlier I am not an introspective, psychoanalytic person so this kind of stuff makes me cringe and frankly I think it often becomes too much about us and less about God.  However it is a part of the program and I will have to commit to learning about it and using it as a tool to find more about myself out and how God made me. 

Sorry for the length of this post! I know so much has happened in just a few weeks worth of time, and there is so much more that hasn't been mentioned. If anyone wants to hear more I would love to spend time telling you and catching up.  Thank you for the prayers and PLEASE keep them coming.  I would not be able to be shaped into the man that God wants me to be without exterior support. 

In Christ,

Chris Fronczak 

I'm Doing Good

In conversations with my good friends, family, and mentor the question keeps coming up. “So how are you doing?” Three weeks in, all I can really muster up in response is a “good.” I elaborate on the program, the people, and my job, which really are all good. They’re great even. But of course I need to speak more of my mind for the people who care about me to feel like they know what’s going on inside. And here’s what I usually say.

New people, new city, new home, new life

There’s no denying that all of us Fellows have made a big shift in the past few weeks. We are surrounded by new. The only people we hang out with are people we just met. The city we live in is still a mystery; where to go on a Saturday night and where the nearest Chick-fil-A is are still questions that desperately need answers. The feeling of home, of comfort and relaxation, in our host houses hasn’t quite hit.  We’ve been given a new world, but we haven’t sunk in yet. Yet.

New normal

I was told throughout my senior year that the first year out of college is the hardest. Not sure how true that is, but I think it has some valid arguments. College life has been our normal for four years now. Before that, normal was grade school for 12 years. And now we sit in this place called post grad life, which really means real life. For the rest of our lives.  Our normal until. I can’t say that I hate it, but I can’t say that I’m thriving in it. Thankfully Raleigh Fellows is kind of a baby step into it. (So check back this time next year when we are actually in real life.)

I tell my people that if I had one of these without the other, it’d probably be easier. Figuring out post grad life alongside familiarity wouldn’t be as challenging. Going back to the school routine, even with a whole new atmosphere, would probably be comfortable enough. But we face both.

My “good” response is not a lie though. As much as I sound like a Debbie Downer, my eyes are fixed on something higher than my life circumstances. My eternal God is still the same. The center of my soul is constant and unchanging. That’s my comfort.

“But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.” – Psalm 102:27

So I’m good. I’m adjusting, but I’m expectant. And I think three weeks in, that’s a great place to be. 

- Elaina

PS: This isn’t my first blogging rodeo. I love my internship at Angel Oak Creative, and they let me post a blog my second week there. Shameless plug.

God is in the process

I've tried explaining to so many people over the last 7 months what I'm doing this year. Sometimes, I'd tell them that what I was doing was called Fellows, and I would explain to them the different elements of what I was doing. Sometimes, all I would tell them was that I was moving to North Carolina, or that I was going to spend some time working at a nonprofit and getting involved in youth ministry at a church. Not untrue, I guess. But what I failed to mention to people, no matter what I told them, was that at the heart of this program is community - both among the Fellows and within the greater church community at Apostles. From day 1, it was so evident that people were excited we were here. From day one, at the welcome dinner, it was obvious that the people who composed the "fellows village" were overjoyed to have us here, and already loved us. 

I've been here 22 days, and some days it feels like much longer (ex. I know my way to church, Ashley's and work without my GPS!) and other days the fact that I don't yet feel like I have a rhythm make it feel like much shorter. I'm learning to have grace with myself- rhythms are hard to cultivate, especially in a new place, with a new job, a new home, and a new community. It is a process of actively inviting the Lord into each day, and actively seeking Him in all things big and small. I also find myself becoming impatient with the time it takes to know others and be known by others. If only we could snap our fingers and be the closest of friends, knowing and loving each other well. But indeed, it is a process; and the Lord is reminding me that I need to trust Him in that process, and though I have a hard time being patient with it- I am confident He is at work. 

In fact- He is so definitely at work that I can pinpoint ways in which I have seen Him and been loved by His people already- in the way that Dana, my host mom, buys special gluten-free treats for me, just because; in the way that my Fellow "mates" already know my love for coffee (I feel so known in this way!); in the way that we have already been able to listen to and share testimonies with each other as Fellows; in the way that we've committed ourselves to communal prayer as Fellows; in the way that Ashley followed the Spirit's leading to pray over me during a conversation we were having; in the way that 6th grade girls have accepted & loved me simply because I'm their small group leader, and the fact they are beginning to acknowledge their own need for God; in the way that Pauline vulnerably shared her heart with me and asked me deep, genuine questions during our impromptu conversation; in someone giving us free tickets (& really good ones at that!) to the NC State football game; in Carryl being not only my "buddy" but also a familiar face at work every day, and asking me how she can pray for me; in Calley's mom making us lunch every Monday; in the way my N2N mentee already accepted me and offered me a hug at the end of our hour together (even though she was a genius and hardly needed me help doing her math); in the encouragement Rachel offered me before I gave my testimony; in Faith buying my chips & guac at Chipotle; in the hugs, prayers, and encouragement we've already shared among our Fellows group; and in the gracious hospitality, generosity, and love shown me by so many already. I could go on & on, but isn't it awesome how the Lord is already working!? (Oh, and I can't forget to mention- the way the Lord paired me with a host family that has the sweetest little dog :).

This year is about so many things, but I think one of the things that Ashley articulated so well at the beginning was that this year is not about performing, it's about being. College was so much about performing & achieving, and though on many occasions, I sought to remind myself that my call was not to succeed, it was to abide and to be faithful, I seldom took this reminder from head knowledge to heart knowledge. But, when I did the Lord was so incredibly faithful to show up. I so look forward to learning to simply "be" in the Lord and to be faithful to Him and others; I expect He will show up in big ways.  So here's to (approximately) 9 more months of growing and seeing what the Lord does.

The Lord is faithful, the Lord is good, the Lord is sovereign, and the Lord loves us- this is true, forevermore. 

-Katie

A Big Waste of Time

Three weeks into the Fellows program I am often reminded of a question that most have faced at least once in their life: "What's next?" On the surface, when I evaluate my current situation in Raleigh, I think to myself, "Great, Hayes, you have simply prolonged the inevitable" Eventually I am going to have to put a foot in the career path, pay for my own rent, and "grow up." Why delay what is assuredly to come? When I told a friend last year that he too should consider a Fellows Program he said, "Is that really going to be the best use of my time?" At first I was hurt when I heard this, but then quickly realized the answer to his question; no it will not be the best used of your time, not from a worldly standard. From the world's perspective what we are doing is a bit ridiculous: discerning this thing called "vocation", spending time in "Christ centered community" and pursuing youth for the sake of the Gospel will assuredly not accelerate one's career, or lead to quick riches. In an age that is about efficiency and success the Fellows Program without a doubt could be seen as a tremendous waste of time. Yet, for those who call themselves disciples, we are in a relationship with an ageless God, the creator and giver of time, who wants our hearts far more than our productivity; his call is to abide. As a Christian I am beginning to see the beauty, freedom, and gift that is the "inefficiency" of this year long program. Life in Christ is not about the most success in the least amount of time, but rather it is about investing in and pursuing  a lifelong relationship with the Lord Jesus. I am so grateful that through the Raleigh Fellows I am encouraged to pursue this as the foundation for whatever the future hold, this time is truly a gift. I have found that this program seeks to cause recent grads to establish their work, relationships and very selves on God's love for us that was demonstrated on the cross.  Perhaps this moment in Raleigh is not a waste of time after all, but the very best use of the days that God has given us. On day 20 of the program I am so thankful to have the opportunity to waste time getting to know the Lord on a deeper level in a wonderful community.

-Hayes 

A Newly Working Fellow

As one who studied English and Creative Writing, I tend to structure my writing in an anecdotal way, leaving it to the readers to figure out what I'm actually trying to say. Given that this is my first blog post as a Fellow, my introduction to the world of whomever out there wants to read this, I thought a anecdotal blog post was only fitting...

Pre-Fellows Program

“Guess what, girl?" my boss says. "You’re in Ms. Smith's class today!”

“Shadowing?” I try not to sound too hopeful.

“Substituting.”

It is my second week at Ravenscroft. I have zero classroom teaching experience. Ms. Smith teaches Kindergarten. For a moment, I consider faking an illness.

Thirty minutes later, I greet a class of fourteen six-year-olds as I try to decipher the half-page lesson plan that is supposed to guide me through a seven hour day.

“Who are you?” one girl demands. “Where’s Ms. Smith?”

“She’s going to be late today. I’m Miss Mangum.”

“Miss Mango?!”

I grin and tell her she’s welcome to call me Miss Mango if she wants. The other students laugh in that high-pitched, innocently joyful way only little kids can, and a couple of the boys pretend to eat my arm, because I’m a mango.

But at snack time, when my boss's son pretends to pour his juice over another student’s head, I tell him to stop or I will take it away.

“You can’t do that. If you do, I’ll tell my mom and she’ll fire you.”

For a second, he has shocked me into silence. No one, not even an six-year-old, has ever threatened to have me fired. But after a moment, I lean down to his eye level. “She wouldn’t fire me. I’m not afraid of you.”

“She’ll fire you!”

“Wanna bet?”

That silences him, but later, when Ms. Smith returns and I leave the classroom--all but sprinting out--I am still haunted by his threat, and by my less-than-professional response. I pray I never have to sub in that classroom again.

First Week of Fellows Program

Boy 1 is stabbing Boy 2 with a freshly sharpened pencil. Don’t yell at the children. Girl 1 is sprawled out on the floor like a starfish and refuses to get up. Do not yell at the children. Girl 2 and Girl 3 are yelling at each other because Girl 2 cut in line. Do not yell at the children. Boy 3 has just dumped an entire bucket of crayons on the floor. Do not yell at the children!! The rest of the class stands semi-quietly in line by the door, ready to go to lunch. The 1st grade teacher’s assistant appears in the doorway, and we lock eyes. Help! She immediately blows the whistle around her neck. The stabbing and yelling stops and the crayons are now forgotten, but Girl 1 remains on the floor.

I get down low so she can see my face, but she looks away. So, I channel my mother and say her name slowly, softly, and dangerously. She looks at me.

“I need you to get up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna!”

“Do you want me to move your name down and make you do a reflection with Miss Taylor?”

She groans and rolls over, pretending to get up, but a few seconds later, she is still on the floor. I walk to the discipline board and move her name down from “In Danger” to “Teacher’s Choice,” which means she will have to sit with her teacher and do a reflection sheet, and possibly call home to her parents. When I turn around, she is in line and looking at me expectantly, like I will move her name back up now that she has finally listened. I don’t. I just move to the front of the line and lead them out the door.

Third Week of Fellows Program

“One time, when I was y’all’s age in this very classroom…”

“Did you go here?” one of the boys asks.

I nod while one of the other students shushes him. Another boy starts to roll around on the floor, kicking his classmates. I say his name once, firmly, and he sits back up. They all look up at me from the rug, completely silent now. Listening.

“I was sitting at the computers, just like y’all did earlier. And I opened something that was just for teachers to open, and I clicked a button I shouldn’t have. And guess what happened?”

“What?!” most of the shout.

“They had computers when you were in school?” the same boy asks.

I nod again, trying not to laugh, and say, “I crashed every single computer...not just in second grade...not just in the Lower School...but every single computer at Ravenscroft!”

They all gasp.

“No!”

“How?”

“Did you get in trouble?”

“So much trouble!” I shake my head as I remember. “I had to go see the principal and she called my parents!”

“Tell us another story!”

“Yeah, another funny one!”

The bell rings to announce that school is dismissed, and the kids all whine.

As they file out, one girl asks, “Will you be here tomorrow?”

“No, Mrs. Stevens will be back tomorrow. I’ll be at the front office, though, so if you need ice or a Band-Aid you can come see me.”

She turns to her friends. “I wanna get hurt extra bad tomorrow!”

I laugh and linger in the doorway after they’ve all left.

~Calley

Certainly Uncertain

Uncertain. That’s the word that I’ve used to describe my life as the Raleigh Fellows Program is coming to a close. Uncertain of what job I’ll have; uncertain of where I’ll be living; uncertain of who I’ll be after this program is over. For some reason, the uncertainty of life has been pressing harder on me than anything else at this stage.

Mark 4:35-41 tells a cool story about Jesus and his friends. The story is that Jesus is tired after a long time healing the sick and being around a crowd of people so he asks his closest friends to go across a lake with him so that they can get away from the crowd and rest. While Jesus’s friends are sailing across the water, a huge storm comes up. As the friends are trying to keep the boat afloat, they find Jesus sleeping in the stern! They wake him and ask, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” Then Jesus tells the waves and the wind, “Quiet! Be still!” And the wind and waves died down and it was completely calm.

Can you imagine? You’re in a boat with your friends and all of a sudden you’re caught in a storm that’s so bad you’re afraid that you’re going to die. It’s all hands on deck to keep the boat from capsizing and you see one of your friends sleeping to the side. “Jesus, don’t you care if we drown?” I would have asked the same thing if I had been in the boat. In fact, I have asked Jesus that question, a lot lately. Jesus, don’t you care that my life is so uncertain? That I’m overwhelmed and apprehensive?

And then Jesus said to his friends, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

Before Jesus and his friends had gotten on the boat to go across the lake, Jesus had been teaching the people and healing the sick and performing all kinds of miracles. And yet in their time of panic, Jesus’s friends so quickly forget the cool, powerful things he’s done.   Just like me.   If Jesus’s friends could have taken a step out of the panic of the present and looked back at the ways Jesus had come through for them in the past, I don’t think they would’ve asked the question, “Don’t you care if we drown?” I think they would’ve woken him and said, “Jesus, please help us.” I see how I get so caught up in the moment that it’s hard for me to look back at the ways that Jesus has been there for me, which is pretty selfish if you think about it. It’s not all about me! It’s about Jesus and that whether I believe it or not, he’s in control of all things. And if I look back at my life, I can affirm that to be true. Yes, Jesus might be sleeping at times, things might get out of hand and life might feel overwhelming, but even so, nothing is out of his control. Yes, I still wonder, “Why did the storm come? Why was Jesus sleeping in the first place? Why didn’t he stop the storm sooner?” But what I am certain of is that Jesus didn’t let his friends down and he has come through for me every time, so why would he stop now? 

So now I want to say thank you. Thank you Jesus for friends who have supported me and loved me in the way I needed it most this year. For our teachers who sacrifice their time to share with us more about what your design is for work and for our life as a whole. For my host family who has sacrificed time and money to provide a safe space for me to come home and rest. For my mentor who has walked alongside me offering encouragement and wisdom. For the fellows committee who has worked behind the scenes to bring all aspects of this program together. For Ashley, who has been a bold leader as well as deep companion to us all this year. For the Apostles community for making us a part of the family from the very beginning. For nine months to spend learning about who you are and who you made me to be. I'm certain that we'll continue to wrestle through this in the lifetime to come, but we'll do it together. Thank you Jesus.

-Kenz