He longs to be gracious

These past couple months the Lord has been showing up in my quiet times by rehearsing a narrative. This narrative is found all throughout scripture and it is where we see Israel turning away from God, but God remains faithful. We watch them suffer under the weight and pain of a life striving after fleeting pleasures, and God’s wrath is evident concerning their sin.

When looking at Isaiah 30 we see SO MUCH of God’s heart. He we see him express the reality of Israel’s turning away. He says,
“Because you have rejected this message,
    relied on oppression
    and depended on deceit,
13 this sin will become for you
    like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
    that collapses suddenly, in an instant.
14 It will break in pieces like pottery,
    shattered so mercilessly
that among its pieces not a fragment will be found
    for taking coals from a hearth
    or scooping water out of a cistern.”

What a hard thing to swallow. He says, it is “Like a high wall, cracking and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant”. Sin wrecks. It destroys. It hurts. And how suddenly all of its consequences seem to come flooding in all at once.

I think about how grievous the Lord’s heart is towards this. For has has told Israel “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). How deeply does he long for his people to have rest, hope, strength, and restoration? He is so hungry for us and think about how greatly he wants us to know a full life. One that can only come by walking in obedience and trust with him.  

As God shares these words, (which I imagine are said with a broken heart and full of righteous anger) he ultimately reminds Israel their response to such fullness was rejection. For He said, “but you would have none of it” (v.15).

In our world, this kind of rejection gives God the grounds to respond justly where He would also turn away or would rain down his wrath and judgment upon Israel. However, this is not his response.

Rather with a yearning and loving heart for his people, the Lord longs to be gracious to his people!! (v. 18).

Scripture says:

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
    Blessed are all who wait for him!

19 People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 22 Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows.24 The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. 25 In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. 26 The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.” Isaiah 30:18-26

We have a God who is hungry for us. Who comes after us even when we turn away. Who will answer us when we call. Who’s very being is grace, mercy, and love. He is completely committed to us. I find great hope and strength sitting and resting in this truth.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of your faithfulness, that you come running after me, and that I am never too far gone to be yours.

-Berkley

Common Grace

While I know that God loves me, I have had a hard time feeling what His love really looks like for me personally. As a new follower of Christ, being surrounded by friends and family who so often talk about their deep connection with Gods love can be pretty challenging. Maybe I wasn’t searching hard enough for it…or maybe I wasn’t searching at all.

This month has been a hard one. I feel like I have been looking in so many different places to see what Gods love for me really is. Whether it be books, articles, or simply listening to worship songs… I was searching everywhere. Everywhere but in the simple joys of my everyday life. That is where to start.

Yes, Gods love can be complex and mystical at times. But it doesn’t have to be. His love for us is displayed in the little things of our everyday lives. These things, are what Timothy Keller calls “common graces”. The simple fact that we are able to wake up each morning is a beautiful example of Gods grace and love…because ultimately, He can pluck us away from this Earth whenever he pleases. I planned on sharing the common graces that I have been taking note of each day. But to be honest…I left my journal at home and this blog post is due in 3 hours. So lets just call this one “to be continued”.

-Alex Behnke

October_AS

My life is based on pain, passion, and purpose. U.S. Rep. Elijah Cummings

Find people doing well. Jason Young

You have to develop your imagination to a point that permits sympathy to happen. Wendell Berry

Humanity exists in community. Benji Davis

To acknowledge a difficult or even crushing truth is to step toward Beloved Community. David Dark

Friendship… has no generally recognized rights, and therefore depends entirely on its own inherent quality. Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Friendship’s true glory: The exquisite arbitrariness and irresponsibility of this love. C. S. Lewis

Friendship… is born at the moment one man says to another, “What! You too?  I thought that no one but myself...” C. S. Lewis

What is a biblical perspective on the necessity of friends? In Genesis, God proclaims this pretty lofty statement that makes it pretty clear that humanity is not complete without the presence of others (Gen. 2:18).  Subsequently, God brings wild beings from the ground that Adam begins to deem animals, but these beings did not satisfy the need for a helper for Adam. Then God brings Eve from Adam’s body and things are well, but we screw up, separation, Exodus, serving ourselves as kings, some guy named David, Songs of Solomon, Jesus, his disciples, some miracles and then we are stuck with 1 Corinthians 13. Adam and Eve, the romantic love intertwined in the Trinity, Jesus as the groom to the Church (US); really sweet stuff but certainly this is not the only form of love between created beings who bear the image of God. God is dynamic. I will be pretty upset if my time spent with friends before and during marriage will come to nothing in terms of recognizing God’s love and God’s weight held in relationships.

For the sake of this time, let us look past the empty “love you”’s we have all given and received upon saying goodbye to people that we would consider friends. I say we because there is indeed a social pressure to say these things based off a somewhat insignificant feeling of love in a friendship. We are satisfied with a mere connection with folks and a jump is made. On the other side, there is some unhealthy stereotypes that come with friendly love, as shown in middle school or high school boys prefacing their love for a friend with the words “no homo.” This is a separate conversation altogether. I hope to dismiss most of our contemporary ideas of love outside of familial or romantic settings, arguing that God intended love to be held between all of God’s creation, and for it to be fully given and received as part of Christ’s love for us; through friendship.

One of the reasons we have a skewed view of love within friendship is simply that as a people, very few of us ever encounter this at all. It is not unavoidable. It involves some seriousness and vulnerability for it to mean anything at all. Or it involves being something we are not. We have accepted a very low form of relationship within friends. One could even say that friendship doesn’t bring anything of importance to one’s being. We don’t marry our friends. We don’t procreate. Our friends don’t earn us money.  This leads me to Timothy Keller’s sermon on Isaiah 6:1-13 which has him speaking on the glory of God manifest within things we love, in particular: music.

Why are you doing that? What good are you getting out of it? Does it make money for you? Does it give you approval? Does it help you move your career ahead? You say, “No no no no.” Then what good is it? And you say, “What good is it, it IS a good in it of itself! It is satisfying in itself! Listening to that music is not a good it is beautiful in it of itself.” (Keller)

Friendship is a good within itself. This is the posture I believe Mr. Bonhoeffer, Mr. Lewis and Mr. Nouwen are speaking towards in their own separate works on relations of friends (loosely interpreted). You should read Life Together, The Four Loves, and Life of the Beloved as I am only going to briefly touch on some important sentiments mentioned in all. These authors echo a seriousness that is within lasting friendships, but not without remembering the humble beginnings.

Don’t complicate things before any connection is made. There are deep callings to friendships that will demand a new approach to being with people. Remind ourselves in the beginning, one of the basic heart-shouts upon creating a friendship is the simple connection of saying “What! You too?”Before performing actions for one another, we need to know what we are about in regard to the other. There are intimacies within relationships that take time to establish a space healthy enough to share. This is the time to contemplate whether or not we are in correct spaces to be with people. Beginning to run a race together as friends doesn’t have to mean we all starting at the same place, but maybe we ran past similar buildings and each got caught up in the weather along the way. Rep. Elijah Cummings’ remarks seem incredibly solitary, yet they encapsulate three dynamics of personhood that can be shared in experience: pain, passion, and purpose. These deeply intertwined intimacies and joys shared are means to a great relationship, but there is more for us.

We are made for so much more than the things we typically accept. That seems to be wrapped up in Jesus’ work always. We needed direction as God’s people, Jesus lead the way and also empowered us, beholding that we are loved. We want to be healed on the surface, Jesus not only does that but forgives the things that keep us anxious and up at night. Jesus answers our pleas and questions, then calls us daughters and sons of the most high. Jesus frees us from this world, in the name of love and for our own freedom. Jesus blesses our spaces with people we love, which we take for granted.

All of this, and more, reveal to me that there is so much more to be included in our friendships. We cannot trust in our own complacency for a relationship to continue, but that we must, “...pray for the fellowship so he will have to share the daily life of the fellowship; he must know the cares, the needs, the joys and thanksgivings, the petitions and hope of the others,” (Bonhoeffer, 63). The goodness that is necessary for our friendships to flourish involve prayer to the one who created said relationship, in order to sustain it. Prayer then moves into how we offer ourselves to one another. Henri Nouwen says, “the greatest gift my friendship can give you is the gift of your Belovedness. I can give that gift only insofar as I have claimed it or myself,” (Nouwen, 30). Reminiscent of Jesus’ call for us to love thy neighbor, we tend to forget the second half of that command regarding how we love ourselves. How can I love you if I cannot claim love for my own being? If I love myself all too much, how might that be translated upon loving a friend? Calling out Belovedness is so much more than words of affirmation. We are shouting out the goodness of God, bestowing God’s truth onto one another, remembering the essence of who we are. This is love in friendship. These relationships are ways of opening ourselves to the God who fostered a friendship. It is such a privilege to say to my friends that they are God’s beloved, may we never take the each other for granted. 

To reiterate a quote I had mentioned in my previous blog, “[n]one of us can be fully human on our own,” (Bartholomew, 35). This was intentional by God. This is redolent of the persons of the Trinity. And it is all to reflect back the glory of God, somehow. In friendship we are entrusted with seeking the kingdom to come, presently alongside another whose eyes are fixed on the same thing. We are too busy looking forward to get caught up in looking at each other (romance) or our selves (narcissism). This is yet another avenue that God has made worthy of God’s presence being known. In his book of collected sermons, German theologian Paul Tillich remarks on the Christian message for our time summed up into two words echoes Paul remarking on new beings. But, that which is opposite rings truth from Genesis, that, “[n]othing is more distinctive of the Old Being than the separation of man from man” (Tillich, 23). That’s it, right there. Whether we are in relation without love, or without relation altogether, we are missing the point of our embodiment of God’s image. We hinder God’s image when we are not fully present within friendships. The idea that I am beginning to grasp is that the magnanimity of divinity in friendships should not have to be forced. Upon seeking Christ in the other, the ease of enjoyment and gratitude for the other’s presence is known.

We cannot stand idle while people around us are struggling with loneliness. Take this as a charge to seek out others as if it were the greatest commandment. People will suffer if we are not willing to step into their lives just for the sake of being there. We have nothing more to offer them than the gift of knowing Jesus and his love. Or maybe shed some light on the friendships currently in your life. Push it further, pray for it, recognize the beauty of it. We are known in relation, no one is big enough to call one’s full being into activity. I bid thee farewell with a final statement from everyone’s favorite: C. S. Lewis.

Friendship exhibits a glorious “nearness by resemblance” to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest. That, says an old author, is why the Seraphim in Isaiah’s vision are crying “Holy, Holy, Holy” to one another (Isaiah VI, 3). The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall all have. (Lewis, 62)

Peace,

Austin Spence

Bartholomew, Craig G., and Michael W. Goheen. The Drama of Scripture: Finding Our Place in the Biblical Story. Londen: SPCK Publishing, 2017.

Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2015.

Keller, Timothy. “The Gospel and Your Self.” The Vision of Redeemer. November 5, 2005. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRsuCQe7aVk

Lewis, C. S. The Four Loves. San Diego, CA: Harcourt, Inc, 1960.

Nouwen, Henri J. M. Life of the Beloved. London: Hodder & Stoughton, 2016.

Tillich, Paul. The New Being. New York, NY: Charles Scriber's Sons, 1955.

Changes

The brisk wet air filled my lungs this morning, begging me-in a quick shock-to look around. I wandered outside with the slight pressure of my backpack slung over my shoulder. With the sun not quite over the horizon, and in the stillness of the cool fall morning, I was sent into reflection. As I got into my car I noticed how the leaves seemed to be clinging to their limbs, even though their color showed the inner conflict of end and beginnings. A transcendental reminder of myself, my thoughts, and my own season.

Fall always seems to draw out my inner contemplator (whether self-contemplation, contemplation for friends, or even the world.) in a way that always catches me off-guard. Especially in this season of life. My existence externally seems settled: my schedule normalized, socially comforted, really just textbook settled. Although I can feel the inner stirring of the death of a season, and it in and of itself can be unsettling. Looking back over the past six weeks, I can see the abrupt nature of change in my life, in good and bad ways. I’ve been overwhelmed by love, rocked by truth, hurt by self-expectations, but also seen the promise of grace fulfilled over and over-in a way that has truly altered me. I’ve felt this fabric of change shimmering especially in the last week or so. My typical peaceful edges of existence have subconsciously sharpened, maybe even become jagged: emotions more tumultuous, relationships seemingly more strained, my vision less bright and more dim. Its taken self-contemplation to diagnosis these symptoms of an inner season change. Death to what was, but in that a promise of cultivation and new growth. I don’t enjoy things that I can’t control, as depicted above, my whole being fights it like an unwelcomed infection, but I know it’s time to invite the newness in, even if it seems at first icy and cold / not comfortable or easy.

Even the leaves, after all their years and experience of death and promised life, cling on to the remembrance of a season. They’re forced into submission of the approaching season by gravity, wind, rain, storms etc, and while falling may be terrifying, they’re always promised the growth of a new season (even if death has to occur). I too find myself clinging, but because of the truth of promised time and proper care, its time. Time to drift, float, fall, into submission. For this new season is good, it is promised, it is established, and He is waiting: beckoning. Just as gravity beckons the leaves to drift from their old fashionings, so will I.

Cheers to this new season,

Landon

“And, if not, He is still good.” - Daniel 3

He is praying for me

Hi you!

Do you know who Robert Murray M’Cheyne is?

If you do - congratulations! If you don’t, don’t look him up - I did that for us both. Robert Murray M’Cheyne lived and preached in the 1800s at St. Peter’s in Dundee UK. And record has it that M’Cheyne’s heart was constantly drawn toward churches who were spiritually dead. He desperately wanted Holy Spirit level revival for those congregations.

Now here’s why I mention this man. Robert Murray M’Cheyne isn’t of great importance to most of us. And he wasn’t of great importance to me until I heard someone speak his words over me.

“If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.”

Those words have been planted in my brain for the past six weeks. Have you ever thought about how Jesus prays for you? How Jesus ACTIVELY talks to God on your behalf? Side-by-side and in one another they converse about you. Go read John 17. There we get a glimpse of how the conversation goes.

“Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one.” (verse 11)

“My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.” (verse 15)

“Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” (verse 24)

Jesus asked for protection over us. He asked for the protection that can ONLY come from the Father and the power of His name.

Jesus asked that we be one! One body. One being knit together in the way that Jesus is with God. And Jesus’s desire for us to be one was so deep that he gave his life to unite us to the Father eternally and to unite us to one another in love.

Jesus asked that we be with him. AND HE SAID WANT. Jesus cried, “God PLEASE let these I love be with me! Let them see my glory! Let them see YOUR glory! Only because you love me!”

I’m a firm believer that whatever sits on the throne of your heart is what you worship, what you express love to. And as Christ-followers, we want to and are called to worship God. Let me be honest, it’s been real easy to let fear sit on my heart recently. Fear that I’m bad. Fear that I’m hurtful. Fear that I’m unsafe. Fear that I’m wrong. Fear that I’m letting God down. Fear. Fear. Fear. ME. ME. ME.

WHILE CHRIST IS PRAYING FOR ME IN THE NEXT ROOM. RIGHT THERE. IN THE NEXT ROOM. He is praying for me. And Christ is praying for you! I want that to consume my heart. I want it to consume all of us. Can you imagine how we would speak and act and love and work if we did not fear a million enemies? Or if we heard Christ’s words and passion and emotion while he prayed for us?

I’m praying you and I can listen to Christ pray for us. I’m praying it brings us to our knees in joyful worship. I’m praying we experience what it’s like to not fear a million enemies.

“Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.”

xoxo

Martha Anne

It's Time.

One month in already. How.

I swear yesterday we were heading to orientation at the lake with ten strangers I’d never met before.

Here I am, one month later feeling like I’ve been friends with these humans all my life. I had no clue the blessings the Lord had waiting for me here in Raleigh. Sure, there have been moments of anxiety (thank GOD the Clemson Tigers are 3-0). The furthest I’ve ever been from my hometown, and yet feeling so at-home every time I’m with these friends who have already loved me so well and cared for me so intentionally. I’m learning a lot about what it means to go deep in these relationships - to tear back the curtain and truly take off the mask. Being real and vulnerable is one of the scariest yet freeing things we’ll ever experience. When, if ever, have we risked being fully known by another person?

I’m being stretched in many ways but the biggest stretching is happening in growing outside my comfort I’ve found in the slight buffer of emotional distance I’ve put up in relationships - a type of self-preservation, a discreet guardedness only visible to me (or so I thought). If I’m being completely honest, that’s exhausting. For so long, I’ve been terrified to let people see some of the realest parts of me - the pieces of my heart that make me question and doubt that “If these people knew the real me, you wouldn’t love me.”

That’s where I see Jesus step in.

Friends, those are the places He loves to be found, right in the middle of our undone-ness. He’s showing me what it looks like to truly be fully known and, in turn, being fully, completely, wholly and deeply loved. And in return, I fall deeper in love with Him. This is where the overflow runs off into all our other relationships, free of fear in a place where we can be our true selves and know that’s exactly who everyone else wants us to be. 

So, I found myself during our time of solitude in our first Spiritual Formation class vividly and clearly hearing the Lord speak the words to me: “It’s Time.”  As I sat on the front porch, I let it all flow onto the paper of my journal:

“It’s Time. It’s Time, my beloved.

Time to let go. Time to let Me into all the place and spaces you don’t want Me to see. Time to let the people I’ve placed in your path come and meet you in your mess and bear those burdens with you.

Time to forgive others who have hurt you, but more importantly, time to forgive yourself.

Time to move into a life of intimacy with Me. Time to care for yourself and your own needs, and time to stop feeling guilty about it.

Time to be who you really are, who I’ve made you to be and time to stop apologizing for it.

Time to start loving yourself the way you aim to love others.

Time to return to the garden, letting me prune you, mold you, and shape you. Time to let Me, the Potter, make you into what I know and see you becoming. 

Time to look back, so we can move forward.

Time to stop letting shame and fear of rejection keep you from the community I’ve intended for you and laid out for you to lean into this year.

Time to start talking about the things people don’t talk about, because they carry weight and they matter.

Time to prioritize spending time with Me at the start of every day for the rest of your days, not because you have to but because I love you and want to be with you.

But, my beloved, all of this will take time… And it will be in my timing that is never early and never late.”

This place where Jesus has brought me has been the best ever. If you’re even remotely considering this program, do yourself a SOLID and pick up the phone to give Ashley Crutchfield a call. 

Stepping into freedom and the process of becoming, and this is just the beginning.

YEA BABY WOOOO!!!!!

<3 Adelaide Bynum <3

After Neighbor2Neighbor mentoring, we eat $5 burgers at the Station. THAT’S community, ppl.

Undone

years and years of hard work

diligently putting it all together

piece by piece

thinking all is well

progress is being made

but then you

come and scramble the whole picture

leaving pieces scattered everywhere

you smile lovingly

as I sit in the middle of the mess

knowing that I don’t know

knowing that I’m undone

and thinking to yourself

now that’s progress

Jim Branch

A month has already gone by. Wow. I can so clearly remember our first morning out on Lake Gatson. As we worshiped on the dock, I looked around at a group of people I had just met. I was in awe. Without even knowing these people, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the Lords faithfulness to bring me to that moment. I felt a sense of peace. Peace knowing that I was exactly where I needed to be.

On that dock, Ashley read us a poem that I will never forget. Undone by Jim Branch. “You smile lovingly, as I sit in the middle of the mess, knowing that I don’t know, knowing that I’m undone, and thinking to yourself, now thats progress.” Those were some powerful words on paper, but I had no idea how much it would describe my next four weeks in Raleigh.

The word undone. Thats a pretty terrifying word. I don’t know about you, but I like to have my life in order. I like comfort. I like predictability. And to be honest, thats what I’ve been living in this past year. I’m not saying that the Lord hasn’t done some incredible work during my time at Auburn University (war eagle.) But by the end of senior year, I was living a very predictable lifestyle surrounded by comfort. I had found my community and I had found my routine. If things ever got hard, I was an hour drive from home. These aren’t bad things in themselves, but I had become reliant on them. My security so often was found in the predictability of life instead of in the Lord.

However, I came to realize that even when my life seemed “put together” externally, I was a wreck internally. No matter how comfortable life felt, nothing could satisfy the true desire of my heart: the presence of the almighty God.

That is where Raleigh Fellows comes in. Let me start by saying this program is A M A Z I N G and if you are a college senior trying to figure out your next step- it would be a mistake not to pick up the phone and call Ashley Crutchfield. The Fellows Program truly equips you as a believer in every way as you make the transition from college to “adult” life. I have never felt more surrounded by people who deeply love Jesus and one another. These people CARE. The love of Christ is so evident in EVERY PERSON (I love them all so much) by the ways they radiate joy and intentionally invest in one another. I will already argue that our fellows class is the best one that has ever existed. Give us a #follow on the insta and you will see. You will wish you were a part of our weekly dance parties. I’m not kidding, these people are amazing.

But when I came into this program, I knew that the Lord wanted much more for me than the comfort I had been living in. Before moving to Raleigh four weeks ago, I prayed hard. I prayed that the Lord would use these nine-months to transform me by challenging, stretching, and refining my heart. And that is what He has begun to do- and its hard. When I pulled out of my driveway in Montgomery, Alabama one month ago, I was leaving behind every comfort I had ever known. I packed up and left the state I have always lived in, the family and friendships I had invested in, and the predictability of life. That was the most terrifying yet also most exciting thing I have ever done. That afternoon I pulled into the city of Raleigh, NC where I didn’t know a soul.

Over this past month, I have become totally and completely undone. I have been challenged and refined in my faith in ways I had never experienced until now. Satan has tried over and over again to attack my heart and thoughts with fears and insecurities more than ever before. These past four weeks have brought me to my knees. But in that place, the place of the undone- I have experienced Jesus more than ever before. I have come to the end of myself- which is a place where I must truly and fully rely on Christ. The sweetness of my Savior’s presence has met me in the middle of my mess. The comforts of my life have become completely undone. But that’s exactly where the Lord wants me to be. Its where the transformation begins.

Now thats progress.

Emme Slaton

Someone please call me a chiropractor please

Howdy folks! My name is Jack Bobo. I am a Raleigh Fellow. Thanks for reading this! Here’s what’s been happening in my life.

WOOF. Life is moving at breakneck speed. I love that metaphor. I really think that I can feel the whiplash in my vertebrae. I try my hardest to look back on the last 6 months slowly so it doesn’t lop my head clean off my shoulders but here is an attempt.

Half a year ago, I was a senior at Texas A&M University, just 12 credits away from earning my undergraduate degree in Horticulture Science. I lived with 6 of my best friends in the whole world. My job was a sweaty 10 minute bike ride away, class 7, and I was approximately 10 pounds lighter. I was dating a beautiful girl I had a crush on from camp the previous summer. I was driving my 2007 Toyota FJ Cruiser. I was a three and a half hour drive from the house that I grew up in. I was hired on at a tree service company here in Raleigh, bright-eyed and bushy-browed, ready to start my life across the country. Truly, I was aware of the change that was about to come to my life and I couldn’t wait.

Don’t look now… okay, slowly turn your head to join me in facing my present situation. Since the start to my life in Raleigh I have moved 3 times (slept in two different beds and on one couch), my roommates have changed from guys I’ve known my entire life to an extremely generous family of four that I met about a month ago, and I have used my GPS more than any time in my entire existence. I quit my job, was unemployed for about a month, started a new job (much better than the first don’t worry), and gotten in a car wreck (I am mostly in one piece however my sweet FJ is not). My long distance relationship morphed into a short distance one and then to a lifelong commitment (PUT A RING ON IT WHOOP). I have met new friends and family. I have been given the chance to pursue my dream of earning a Master’s degree from the University of Georgia in May (GO DAWGS). I have experienced tragedy from 1000 miles away, loneliness, anxiety, and hurt. I’ve been on top of the world, rejoicing, nay, screaming at the top of my lungs to the sweet sounds and sights of God’s goodness. I am talking full range of emotions here, people. I MISS MY FRIENDS. I MISS MY FAMILY. I feel like a more wholesome Voldemort with little pieces of my soul in places scattered across the country with people and mementos of my past. My heart has a Texas sized hole in it. Truly, this calendar year has been a bucking bronc. But dammit if I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Raleigh Fellows, I am more than excited to experience this next couple months with y’all. Thank you for letting me join in on this lovely, full journey. I can’t wait to see what this holds for each of us!

In Him,

Jack

Chip, a song. Written to the tune of "Rocky Top"

So Ashley has this dog. It’s name is Chip.

Chip and I have what some would call a “love-hate” relationship. However, there is enough love in this relationship to where I felt comfortable writing a song about him. Not just any song, though. The tune of this song has a very special place in my heart because it is the fight song of my alma mater…The University of Tennessee.

Without further adieu:

“Chippy Chip”

Wish that I was with ole chippy chip

Down in the RDU hills

Ain’t no doggy mess with Chippy chip

He would give them chills.

Once I had this dog named Pookie Bear

Chip’s way cooler by far

Thats why all the folks in RDU

Are real jealous from afar

Chippy Chip, you’ll always be

A real sweet puppy

Good ole Chippy Chip (WOOO)

Chippy Chip so Grumpy

Chippy Chip so Lovely.

Once two strangers tried to pet chippy chip

Looking for a little loving

Strangers aint pet no Chippy Chip

They just felt his teeth

Chippy Chip, you’ll always be

A real sweet puppy

Good ole Chippy Chip (WOOO)

Chippy Chip so Grumpy

Chippy Chip so lovely.

Thank you,

P.S.

I am having a great time as a fellow. You should do it. If you don’t, Chip will find you. And Chip will kill you. Peace n Blessings

-Alex Behnke

"I guess I just haven't learned that yet"

One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, has a saying “ I guess I just haven’t learned that yet” that she introduced into her life as she approached a new beginning. Instead of saying “I must be dumb”, “I’m failing”, or “what’s wrong with me” she started to see new beginnings as an opportunity to be a learner again. Moving to Raleigh has been so exciting because of new places, new friendships, new roles, new experiences…. the list of new and different could go on forever. With this I have felt the Lord whisper time and time again “ Krista give yourself some grace in the in-between, learn the unforced rhythms of grace” . I have been reminded of this phrase “I guess I just haven’t learned that yet” as I approach situations or people that are new. The Lord is revealing to me all I still have to learn about giving myself grace and how I have struggled for so long with allowing myself to receive his grace he so freely gives. I am learning to have a posture of willingness to grow, to be wrong, to be uncertain, to be brave enough to believe new things and leave some things behind, no longer true or useful.

Although!!!!!! Something I have learned in the past month is that these 10 other fellows are so cool….

Tim- your quiet servant heart doesn’t go unnoticed

Austin- you bring so much joy to others

Berkley- you invite people in so well

Anna- you are so genuine and real

Landon- you are bold and your story is so impactful

Jack- you take time to truly listen

Alex- you are thoughtful and your care for others so well

Adelaide- you actively pursue loving others and it shows

Martha Anne- you speak so much truth into the people around you

Emme- I can't help but smile when I see you

I could cry I love them so much!!!!! also I have learned that Raleigh has so many trees and it makes me love this city so much more.

-Krista Baker

Raleigh Fellows: a haiku

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Raleigh Is Litty

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My New Squad Got Me Giddy

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Apply And Join This City

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Yo internet fam. I ain’t gonna lie. This past month has contained some of the best moments of my life. God is so evident in this program: from the church, to the classes, to the workplace, etc. Although I feel like the community has really made everything seem a bit brighter. We have been BLESSED with a squad that roles deep. Deep in humility, kindness, compassion, accountability, and understanding. I wish I could actually articulate all the feelings that I’ve had, but I can’t. Just know that it’s been so sweet. I honestly came in worried, nervous, and anxious about what this year would look like, cause truly I didn’t know. Disbelief in God’s goodness often takes that form, but He is always true to His promises. I can explicitly see the way He has redeemed my doubts and given me the gift of these peeps. I’m really excited about what the next year is going to look like. Being surprised by God is the best kind of surprise.

Until next time,

Landon

COME BE A RALEIGH FELLOW

So I have sat down to try and write this blog post literally four times. I keep on deleting what I am typing because I feel like I shouldn’t say what I want to say because I kept on telling myself blogs are spaces for “x” type of material and not what I was really feeling in regards to the program.

So I have decided to push aside that silly way of thinking and any other preconceived notions I have that are getting in the way of what I want to say. . . So here is what I really wanted to say. . .

I LOVE THIS PROGRAM. LITERALLY WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I DONT WANT IT TO END. IM SO THANKFUL. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. JESUS, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SO GOOD! ALL THE SMILES.

wow. Okay so that just felt really weird typing that, but i’m serious that is how I feel.

I do know this program will get more challenging. Also don’t get me wrong, I am for sure tried and worn out- building relationships with this many people at one time is A LOT. But it feels incredible to be known and loved anyway.

He is so faithful and so good. So overwhelmed by the love of our Father.

-Berkley

~t h e p u r s u i t~

Its been almost four weeks since we started the program, and I’ve got to be honest, it has been some of most spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting weeks I’ve ever experienced. I can feel the painful pruning occurring and the enemy’s lies trying to tear me down as I type this.

I’m tired. Tired of feeling not worthy or enough. Tired of feeling like I don’t belong. Tired of feeling anxious and sad. Tired of feeling inadequate for the tasks at hand. Tired of not truly feeling fulfilled. Furthermore, I know that the Lord is the ONLY one who can quench that thirst within me. I know I am enough and worthy to Him. I know that God qualifies the called. And I know I belong to Him. However, I don’t feel that. Yet, I must continue to trust Him and His plan because He is GOOD.

I have seen the Lord provide and show up for me time and time again. He has called me back every time I get lost. He has placed some of the most incredibly wonderful people in my life. He has provided when I don’t think something is possible. And He has called me here to the Fellows.

These are lyrics from a song I have been listening to and singing at the top of my lungs, as I drive home from various activities that fill my time as a fellow yet I still leave feeling empty and anxious inside:

“Though the earth may try

To satisfy my heart

Though the earth may try

To tell me you're not faithful

Though the earth may try

To blind me from your goodness

You shine through

You're the only one who

Fills me up”

~Chris Renzema, You’re the Only One

I can’t say that my time as a fellow so far has been easy or painless. But, I know and trust that the Lord called me here very purposefully, just as I know He brought the other 10 fellows here so intentionally. They are all so wonderfully unique in their gifts, interests, and personalities, and I wonder how I got so lucky to know and love each of them so deeply. 

As I continue to pursue and trust the Lord and what He has called me to, I pray that I start to truly FEEL what I know to be true— You are ENOUGH.

And now, I wait.

peace + love

ANNA

I was a studio art major and have been teaching myself graphic design recently. So, to stay engaged with my creative side and continue to pursue art throughout this year, I will be attempting to make a little baby digital painting to post along with each blog post.

September_AS

None of us can be fully human on our own. Craig Bartholomew

Love that will cost me something; I might sacrifice so someone might feel loved. Jon Tyson

Is God’s great concern about our prayer life that we ask for too much or too little? C. S. Lewis

I want this to be your story. Presumably God speaking to Landon, a fellow Fellow fella.

To refuse to begin can be an act of great self-neglect. John O’Donohue

Songs are subtle… Like the psalms, they don’t contain principles or messages, exactly, but are witnesses and testimonies and guesswork. David Dark

And I oop. Moments after Jack sealed the deal with his new fiancé.

Spiritual maturity of people is dependent on joyful thanksgiving.

Our state representatives, at least in North Carolina, are being prayed for by name through folks who are concerned about the powers in which God has entrusted human hands with.

If we are not about praying, we are going to labor harder than we are intended to.

I’m not going to try and give a pleasing blog post of what God is doing for me through the Fellows Program in Raleigh. That is a fruitless endeavor. For instance, I recently rediscovered why the Lord did not bless me with a beautiful singing voice, just ask my friends who heard me lead worship this past weekend at New Life Camp. Big yikes, not my strong suit! I want authenticity in myself. Instead, I’ll invite you into the things being heard and spoken in this sweet city, also into processing efforts in my own mind, and the small celebrations along the way. This medium will look different at times, but I hope the snapshots of blessings can serve the world as much as it serves me. The quotes and statements shared above reveal some of the little scribbles I have down in my pocket book I carry around. These are the little blessings I believe Frederick Buechner to be commenting on when he said,”It is as though each day is a treasure hunt and a journal is one way of seeing if you found the treasure that God has hidden for you this day.” I have a hard time spotting the blessings of each day, this is a practice that has done me well over the past years.

Catching up to speed: my own challenge for this time is to avoid speaking about how this year is impacting myself, but be quick to point out how this year is impacting eternity for God. I have spent 23 years thinking entirely of myself. The push is for the awareness of the larger picture within this microscopic image of time and community in Raleigh. I want to learn of the outward love that gives meaning to Jesus’s command to love another as one loves oneself. I hope my narcissistic love of self is not being transferred to the people I care about, and if it is that the good Lord may provide me with proper guidance. I want to be disciplined in the sacrificial love that Jon Tyson spoke of in one of his sermons. God is equipping eleven women and men to be disciple makers in the world, to bear the image of Christ and relish in the joy that comes with seeking the kingdom. God is allowing us to reveal the brokenness to one another to proclaim the need for the light that comes in through the cracks of our lives (thanks Leonard Cohen for the terminology). God is speaking blessings in and through each of us, to one another, the church, the workplace, and the world.

Practical Things: For those interested in Fellows at all, and Raleigh specifically, I will break things down a lil at the end of each report. You only work your job three days a week (I did not know that until I read it on this blog from a year ago), you don’t have to be with everyone 24 hours a day (but you do need to love em), you can let your host families love on you through the blessing of cooked meals, and when you become a Fellow be sure to explore your city (ideally via bicycle). I get to learn something about God from my host family practically every day it seems. I won a 5k race one morning, biked my city in the afternoon, and ended by dancing the night away on the 21st night of September. I’m looking to make this city my own, while pursuing and leaning in on the things God seems to push me toward.

This needs to end.

Austin Spence

Trust

Less than four weeks ago we said hello. Less than four weeks ago we packed a bag from our host family’s house to spend a few days with strangers. Less than four weeks ago we started a new job (or at least changed what it had looked like prior). Less than four weeks ago we were introduced to the body of believers at COTA that have been praying and preparing tirelessly for us. Yet those four weeks have felt like months already.

Everyone trusted there would be other fellows, a place to sleep, a job to work (and be paid), and support from the people at Church of the Apostles. This trust has grown from a blind faith in the program and Ashley into a deep trust of one another through sharing of meals and stories, laughter and dancing, and even crying and conflict. We had an eventful retreat to start the year at Lake Gaston (thanks DT+fam) where we began to build this trust and learn how we each ended up in Raleigh.

As a person who craves rhythm and comfort, I have definitely felt the exhaustion from the intensity of this program and the ever changing schedule, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Each person has been placed in this program at this specific time in their life for a reason God knows and might make evident now or years down the road. Everyone’s life and walk with the Lord has looked different as do each of our challenges and insecurities. Through this community though we can encourage and be encouraged by one another and the lessons we have learned along the way.

In the past four weeks we have started work, began to mentor children through Neighbor to Neighbor, started class, shared our testimony, met with mentors, and began lifelong friendships. In the past four weeks these people have become my people. My heart breaks when I hear their hurt and see them in pain.

My prayer for the coming month is to continue to trust. To trust what God wants to do with my future. Trust God’s plan for my career. Trust God’s plan for my friendships and relationships. Trust God’s plan when I face challenges. I pray that we all trust God with a child-like faith, honoring him and his power over all things. I fully expect to face challenges and doubts during and after this year, but with trust in the Lord I know I don’t have to be anxious about what is ahead and instead experience and learn what God wants me to experience and learn.

Tim

ps if you are checking out the blog contemplating whether or not to apply for Raleigh Fellows, do it and trust the Lord will give you clarity and discernment

Leaning In

Hi blog!!!

It’s Martha Anne. It’s early in the year, but I wanted to go ahead and write down my thoughts from these first two weeks (i’m sorry what ??)! Due to the incredible frequency that I’ve recently said my name, hometown, college, job, host family, and tentative enneagram number, I will not be sharing that here. If you’re curious about me, head to the Raleigh Fellows insta or stalk me on Facebook!

On the last day of my senior year of high school, our beloved ethics and AP government teacher Mr. Peck gave us a charge that’s stuck with me through many changing seasons - lean in. Right before moving to Raleigh I spent a large part of the summer in Cape Town, South Africa; the other majority of my summer was spent with my family and closest friends. I was with people who know and love me well. So honestly - the LAST thing I wanted to do when I got to Raleigh was lean in to a new set of people and new stage of vulnerability. But those people who know and love me well built me up and pushed me on, knowing that nothing would ruin my start in Raleigh like a closed heart and mind.

And praise God I leaned in. Praise God we all leaned in.

We’ve leaned in to this beautiful new city that holds brokenness and beauty side-by-side.

We’ve leaned in to our wonderful families who feed us the best food.

We’ve leaned in to working three days a week, as well as the physical and emotional highs and lows that come with working.

We’ve leaned in to new and forced friendships that show us more of what Christ’s love looks like and, at times, our own sinfulness.

We’ve leaned in to prayer and the understanding that we cannot do this crazy, beautiful life without Jesus.

We’ve leaned in to hard questions, uneasy topics, and uncomfortable conversations to spur growth in one another.

I love them. I love them all. I feel like I’ve been a member of Apostles for months and the fellows have been my best friends for years. And I can’t help but think that if my mind, soul, heart and body hadn’t been in a position of willingness to lean in (thank you Holy Spirit) I wouldn’t be in this place of sheer joy with these people.

Now that doesn’t mean things aren’t hard. It’s hard to lean in to the truth that I miss my college besties who are hours away. It’s hard to find the “unforced rhythm of grace” Jesus describes and my soul desires. It’s hard to lean in to the full schedule. It’s hard to wake up in the 6 o’clock hour. It’s hard to balance hanging out all the time and giving myself space to breathe. It’s hard to die to yourself. This we know.

So as we continue to actively lean in, I’m praying this prayer for myself & my fellow fellows. I’d love you to pray it over us as well.

“Lord make me an instrument of your goodness
Where there is exclusion may I sew love
Where there is war, peace
Where there is confusion, empathy
Where there is sorrow, friendship
Where there is pain, prayer
And where there is brokenness, belonging

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be comforted as to comfort
to be seen as to see
To be known as to know
For it is humanness, we know holiness
it is in suffering, we know sovereignty
And it's in pride’s funeral where hope is conceived
Amen”

-Brooke Elaine (from https://www.brookelaine.work/home)

xoxo

Martha Anne

not an end

okay so hey, it’s me, writing my april blog post on may 7th. but i’m going to merge april and may because it’s too close to the end for me to have to be explicitly sentimental twice because i’m going to sit in all of that emotion for far too long, and we all know that if we know me. here we are at the end of fellows. Raleigh Fellows. seeing all of us in one room and thinking about all of us “graduating” makes me all kinds of nostalgic. i feel like we’re all in high school again and we’re about to embark on this gigantic unknown but giddy feeling of surprise also known as ~adult life~ it just makes me want to hug everyone and stand in a line like in high school musical 3 in front of a huge crowd with our caps and gowns and scream our shouts of victory and throw confetti everywhere and then dance until 3am and never clean the confetti up.

someone asked me the other day “what are you actually going to take away from fellows?” well, here are some moments that left an impact on my heart that i will always remember and always hold onto.

• sitting on a bed at the beach retreat, 2 days in, at 3 am, showing emily magnus pictures of all my friends back home who i just left, because SHE was asking and wanting to know where i came from and who i love

• cooking waffles and having a lock in with all the girls because there were not one but two hurricanes in the first month of living in raleigh

• spending time in the bolton’s basement with everyone, feeling like a complete 12 year old with no worries in the world because for some reason that basement evokes a straight peter pan vibe of simply no adult vibes ever. just play

• going to a WWE fight night for free and eating all you can eat wings and cupcakes and not knowing what was going on but it made the highlight list and i’m okay with that

• the roundtable that sam crutchfield led where he told us that the devil calls us names and the Lord calls us names and we need to always be reminded that our name tag is full of the names God calls us and He wants to whisper those names to us all the time if we’ll listen. loved, known and still chosen, never too emotional

• going to youth camps and praying over me and lauren’s 6th grade girls as they come up to us crying, overwhelmed by the love that jesus holds for them

• sitting on mary young’s porch during a quiet time, and feeling jesus’ presence next to me in the rocking chair, just speaking to him and asking him what he enjoys and getting to know him as my friend rather than someone i have to answer to

• driving through a SNOW STORM and thinking everything was ADORABLE when covered in snow

• going to a young life camp and experiencing that YL magic. bought a t-shirt. saw the willow tree at windy gap. did not do session 3.

• wearing a wig not once but twice ~ shout out to gammy

• going on a silent retreat and walking the stages of the cross on a path in the woods- walking the road to his death with jesus and seeing him fall, seeing him weep, seeing his family and friends and mother wonder why, and seeing him suffer, seeing the love that he literally shed for me, and just being completely overwhelmed by the idea that he did it for me

• having everyone make me a BIRTHDAY VIDEO wishing me happy birthday!!! and emily compiling them all into one!!! and me CRYING

• sitting in a field for class, listening to scott steele tell us that it doesn’t matter what your job is, your calling is always ministry. our calling is to serve God in any capacity of occupation

basically i’m here to say, i got a lot out of fellows, but this is just the beginning to my life of refining and learning and implementing and being aware of emotions and being thankful for community. fellows and everyone involved, i love you to the moon and back and i am just senti-menti about what this year has been. thank you all for your sparkle. let’s keep sparkling together.

“i’ve been thinking about tomorrow instead of drowning in the past

we had good times even back when dreams were all we had to last

so as i wake up this bright morning nothing’s going to bring me down

waves are singing, wind is warm, and summer’s here to stick around.”

10/10 would recommend

~amy kay

Together

5 more days of work. 13 more days before our debrief retreat. 19 more days as a Raleigh Fellow. These numbers really sunk in this past weekend when 11 of us goons and 1 brave director (the best in the nation, I might add) trekked up and down 95 to DC. We got to spend time with other fellows programs around the country during a very cool National Fellows Conference. Although my favorite part of the weekend was the time our group got to be together. There is something sacred about that word: together. Together is where belonging happens. When you’re together with people, loneliness isn’t as close. Together is part of the essence of God. He is always with us, never leaving nor forsaking us in our path; He is together with us.

I was recently listening to a Brene Brown podcast on trust (it can be found on Oprah’s super soul conversations. . . Thanks Emily Magnus for the best suggestions). In the podcast, Brown discusses that trust is formed in friendships like marbles being filled up in a marble jar. We all share the small moments together in life, each of the moments like a marble being added to a jar. The more full the jar, the more trust is built. Brown says, “Trust is built one marble at a time.” I am thankful that I’ve had a lot of small moments of trust and marble jar friendships this year because of the fellows program. It’s all because the fellows has invited us to simply be. This invitation is not just to be alone, but be together. Together in fellowship with one another, but most importantly with God. Some of these moments have included Roundtable and class discussions where the fellows have shared crumbs of our heart cakes with one another (s/o—that’s an analogy I got from Amy Gross). It’s been the moments in the Daniel’s kitchen around their island where once strangers have become family. Moments on walks with beloved friends where they decided to lean into deep friendship instead of walking away. It’s been the moments at Sola with my mentor Laura where we’ve collectively tried everything on the drink menu during our Monday meetings. It’s been the small giggles of Amy and I’s 6th grade girls at youth group every Sunday night. Moments shared with my favorite 3rd grader, London, across the table during Neighbor to Neighbor where dance breaks have become a requirement of our tutoring time. It’s been the times of together at work where my co-worker Ruthie has taken time to encourage me and make sure I feel important as a team member.

These have been my marble jar moments. These have been the times that filled up my jar of trust and make Raleigh feel like home. The times of together. May we cling to them and fight for them each day. For we were not made to do this life by ourselves, but together.

xo

Lauren

not yet

It’s April, which means Fellows is over next month, which means I have decided to leave my sappy etc. post for May because my emotional capacity is currently low, so here I leave you all instead with a brief haiku:

Fellows has been cool

I’m going to miss it, BUT

It’s not over yet!!!

-Rach

Hi's and Byes

These 9 months have been nothing short of a blessing. Full of beginnings with repetitive introductions and buried expectations. Conversations that uncovered and brought thoughts to light. Unknowns that made us hesitant and schedules that exhausted us. A church that turned into a home and teachers that asked all the right questions.  New people that became dear confidants and strangers that created space.

I think the best things I learned this year were in the in-betweens. Our dear friend Alex once called these the “unrequired moments”. These were the unscheduled hours where we chose each other. They were the foundational moments where we leaned in and laughed a lot. They were the unscripted talks, the random music videos and the sharing and holding of each others lives. They were the moments where I chose to invite myself onto Laura’s porch whether she was there or not, walk into the Crutchfields house 4 hours too early for round table, add Amy into my speed dial contact list, and make every Fellows host-home my newfound home as well. The in-betweens have been full of unrequired showing up and cheering each other onward.  Now all the sudden the gaps have been filled in and we blinked and it’s ending.

The guru of all wisdom aka John O’Donohue said, “To bless someone is to offer a beautiful gift. When we love someone, we turn toward them with our souls. And the soul itself is the source of blessing. A blessing is a form of grace; it is invisible. Grace is the permanent climate of divine kindness. There are no limits to it; it has no compartments, corners, or breakage in its flow.”

Three cheers to the multitude of humans who turned their souls toward my own this year. Three cheers to the grace given and received. Three cheers to a really big God that is faithful and good even when we aren’t quite sure what’s next.

Here’s to the hellos, the see you soon’s and the goodbyes that make up our world.

“...We were born saying goodbye

to what we love,

we were born

in a beautiful reluctance,

not quite ready

to breathe in this new world,

we are here and we are not,

we are present while still not

wanting to admit we have arrived.

Not quite arrived in our minds

yet always arriving in the body,

always growing older

while trying to grow younger,

always in the act

of catching up,

of saying hello

or saying goodbye

finding strangely,

in each new and imagined future

the still-lived memory

of a previous,

precious life.

-“Cleave” by David Whyte

10/4, over and out, peace and blessings!!!

Love, Em