March Fun Fellows Flicks

Hey Blog!!!

March has been packed with so many fun memories and has been the start of planning for the future. Here’s a short recap of this month! My parents came and we got to go shopping! Got sick with the Noravirus, YUCK! Danced the night away at the Carolina Cocktail with all the North and South Carolina Fellows programs! Went to a NCSU baseball game with Bryan, Jenna, and Lola! Went dancing downtown with friends! Had a sweet morning walk with Kassie! Did my 360 Review with Ashley! Started touring houses for next year! Applied and interviewed for a job! Had prayer partner time with: Evy, Jenna, Meg, Lola, Elijah, and Tessa! Cut 14 inches off my hair! Visited the UNC Study Center! Went on a Silent Retreat and didn’t talk for about 24 hours!

Something else that I did was give up social media for Lent to focus on my identity as a beautiful daughter of the King and how to be rooted in that instead of comparing myself to others. So I haven’t posted on Instagram in a while but that doesn’t me I don’t have pictures to share with y’all! The shared album has 2,912 pictures and videos!

<3, AG

Meet Ryan sometimes known as XAZZ (Chaz)

Ryan is funny, wise, and passionate! He also is not at all who I thought he would be! Each time I spend time with him, it feels like I find out something new (a place he’s been, the meaning behind a tattoo, a song from a genre I’ve never heard of, a skill that I didn’t know of, or the new iPhone update that no one else has)! So are you excited, or do you just get to be friends with Ryan?

MILBF (Mom I’d Like to Be Friends with)

Ashley is the best Fellows director ever! Sorry I said it BUTTT it’s true! She cares for each one of us as if we are her own child, she pours so much into the program, she gives the best hugs, she asks the best questions (what’s your deepest sin), she isn’t afraid to throw you off a jet ski, she does back flips off the dock, she shares so much wisdom, she makes the BEST popcorn, she stands up for others, and best of all… she wants to be your friend! I love you Ashley!! Thanks for being YOU!

Marching On

Hey guys,

March was very eventful.

The genogram paper was due, and I learned a lot about both my immediate and extended family. It also led to some really impactful conversations, which I’m grateful for. I’m glad I had the opportunity to deep dive into it.

BYX Alumni weekend at Virginia Tech was awesome. I got to see the founding fathers again—such great dudes—including my good friend Drew, who is a Knoxville Fellow! I got to hit my top-secret Blacksburg fishing spot with my friend Kyle, and we had an electric evening of fishing. I’m taking the location to the grave, so don’t even ask :)

Bryan and I explored Lake Wheeler for the afternoon (by “explored,” I mean we didn’t catch anything) and then hung out with Coburn and Melissa Murray at their place on the lake. Coburn and Melissa have some of the most unique and powerful perspectives of anyone I know. In this season of discernment—figuring out who I want to be and why—our conversation gave me a lot to pray about during the Silent Retreat. One of my favorite parts of Fellows is getting to meet such incredible people who are a step ahead of me in life.

I had been really looking forward to Silent Retreat, and it did not disappoint. St. Francis Springs is a big property with lots of woods, so I ran off during our time of silence and had some great time with God. He always speaks in such a calming way—even when He’s serving me a healthy portion of humble pie. 24 hours of intentional silence was so helpful. My brain is a crazy place, so a prolonged period of silence helped me settle down and be more attentive to the Holy Spirit.

Stats:

-My women’s bracket is in the 96.1 percentile

-My 4runner’s odometer reads 4.18% slower than it’s actually going.

-3 wonderful trips to G’s tacos

-1 incredibly cheesy blog title

Until next time,

Josh

Lake Wheeler

I feel like march just started

Hello everyone, I have decided to take lent seriously this year.

In the past i’ve used it as an excuse to make myself just a little bit better instead of challenging myself to grow more christ like. So if anyone has ever met me or has heard me you might know I laugh really loud, drop a cuss word (or a lot), talk until the sun comes up, or just get so excited about everything and everything. My number one motto is its cool to care, I would tell my middle school kids in wyldlife that all the time, and I still believe it. BUT anyways I have decided to get up cussing for lent and man let me tell you its been so difficult. I will be honest I love it and think its so fun. I quickly realized in late January and Early February I cuss a lot.

My main “goal” of this lent season has been to just try and stop cussing, but I have found more clarity and so much more richness than I could have ever imagined. On the Ash Wednesday service before we got our ashes we were prayed over by someone from the church and were given a word, phrase or something. Mine was safety, security, and beloved. What? like duh those are great words but they carry so much dept. That was the beginning of my realization of what slowing down and thinking can really do to my attitude. The lord has been so gracious to slow down with me and be in the process as I am learning to just stop and take a breath because my words carry weight. And its such a beautiful thing that they do. So thank you Jesus for paving the way, I cant wait to celebrate the rest of the season trying to slow down.

Still got a long way to know but self awareness is my first step :)

Good Memories from March:

All the fellows went to Charlotte for the Carolina Cocktail and man I danced my heart out!!!! I love dancing so much.

Some of the fellows are running the 10 miler so an errand they had to do was o to fleet feet and buy new shoes. Who knew we would have spent 2 hours in there having the mostest fun with the sales clerk and learning about his crazy amazing life.

I went to Boone and celerated my friends birthday and went to my college church, I miss that place but I am so lucky to multiple church families!! ugh so blessed

I was at neighbor to neighbor very consistanly this month which I have been very thankful for. I love Jaelynn my girl, she is learning so much its so amazing to see how smart she is and I get the oppotunity to love and encourage her!

Me and Evy went on one singular run, the next week we were both on ashleys couch with ice packs in various places, this had nothing to do with running but I found it so funny.

Josh and I had pp time and he agreed to go to a random church yard sale I found on facebook in cary, I found the best decor there. One thing about me is I am going to by any old wooden framed wall art with a bible verse or liturgy on it. I like feeling the second hand prayer of them that radiate off them. I also bought two crockpots… YAY!

Recommendations:

• playing in a creek

• catching anything that crawls (as long as it doesnt fly or sting)

• flip flops (we back baby)

• steak

• micron pens

• hugs, what a blessing we get the opportunity to love others by putting out hearts near one another

• Old Navy

• Getting your windshield fixed for cheap by a sketchy place

• church yard sales

• watkins grill and livermush

Music Recommendations:

• the Crowe Boys new EP “Bonfire in my Soul”

• think im in love with you -chris stapleton

• I am a man of constant sorrow - the soggy bottom boys

• Unrung by Turnpike Troubadours

• I can’t believe we never went out dancing - Sebastain Schub

• Good Lord Lorrie - Turnpike Troubadours

Love, Jenna

My Seventh Blog Post

Hello. I have writer’s block. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really experienced it. It’s hard to have writer’s block when you’re not required to write anything. Ain’t nothin’ to block if ya ain’t writin’ nothin’. My 5:20 pre-nap plan was to wait until tomorrow to write this, but then Ashely texted me and asked me to make a blog post tonight. I don’t know who she thinks she is asking me to post my blog by the due date. Just kidding Ashley, don't shoot please. Jokes aside, I’m what most people would consider “stuck”. I’ll do what I must. Little Obi Wan Kenobi quote for your back pocket in case that pocket of yours was feeling a little empty.

I don’t talk about the weather. If I had a twelve man lineup of dialogue topics, “the weather” would be on the bench. Past the bench. He only gets playing time when I’m in a conversation that has since stalled and the only way to keep the ball rolling is by saying “crazy weather today am I right” in a sarcastic tone. But let’s talk about the weather, shall we? Specifically the pollen. Pollengeddon. Everytime I stepped outside yesterday I was dry-rub-seasoned with pollen. It’s like I forgot to take off my yellow tinted sunglasses. Not the fun kind that Elton John would wear, just the lame pollen kind. Elton John wouldn’t wear those. The pollen has made me sad, however, something that has brought me a lot of joy over the past few weeks are the cherry blossom trees. They have become my favorite tree. Thank you for the blossoming plant life, pollen. You can leave now. 

I have never been conscious of cherry blossom trees. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’ve never seen one, but I have only noticed them as of March 2025. They’re quite beautiful. One in particular has especially stuck out to me. I was driving home the other day when I passed one in my neighborhood. The wind blessed me by sending cherry blossom petals floating past my truck. There was a mound of cherry blossom petals resting at the base of the tree, gently accenting the main beauty of the cherry blossom branches. I don’t really get emotional that often, but at that moment I did. That cherry blossom tree is perfect evidence of the Lord’s kindness in creation. There was beauty all around it, fleeting from it towards anyone with eyes to see. I understand the utility of trees, providing us with oxygen, quite literally life itself. But trees don’t have to be pretty. They could be ugly. They could look like pollen. But just as the Lord is kind enough to send rain that washes the pollen bullies away, He is kind enough to make His creation beautiful and abundant for us to enjoy. Maybe that’s elementary, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

…

“For God alone my soul waits in silence,

from Him comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

My fortress, I shall not be greatly shaken.”

This is Psalm 62:1-2. The Fellows participated in a silent retreat this weekend, led by my host mom Mary Young. Psalm 62 meant a lot to me over the course of the weekend. There was a coffee mug wall of sorts in the main lodge at St. Francis, and each Fellow picked out a mug. The mug I picked was pink, accompanied with roses painted on the outside and Psalm 62:1 inscribed on the inside. The next day – in a rather silly series of events – I was reminded of the verse, and decided to look up Psalm 62. That’s all I’ll share. The Lord kindly revealed his truth to me this past weekend, so I wanted to share these verses with you all. A big theme of the Lord’s kindness over the span of March.

My song recommendation is “Old Soul Song” by Bright Eyes.

“And just when I get so lonesome I can’t speak

I see some flowers on a hill side like a wall of new TV’s

Yeah they go wild”

Love, Bailey

Ryan's March Blog

Hey all,

My life has been great. The Boultons have been so sweet and I appreciate them a lot. It makes me sad that 1. I havnt’t gotten more time with them and 2. that I will have to leave. The good thing is that we will be at the same church. They’re dope.

For lent I have been paying everyday for a softened heart. It has led me to be more observant of my attitudes and others reactions to what I do. In saying these things, it has also led me to repentance of my hardened heart. I don’t think lent is anything other than looking at Jesus more and repentance. Lent is not a new years resolution 2.0. It’s not about YOU, it's about Jesus and only what he can do to transform your life to look more like his.

Okay great, my mom visited Raleigh. It was weird to have her here, but not because of her. I just am used to being with her in Maine. We went dress shopping for the wedding for her and it was fun! We also saw Jordan Peterson which is such a wholesome memory for us to look back on. Gracie was here as well, it was like getting the gang back together. Maine… I need it.

Then I went down to Charleston to see some of my best friends, and groomsmen, from Maine that moved there. I missed them dearly and appreciate how God has blessed me with loving and caring brothers.

We went on a silent retreat to St Francis Springs Prayer Center this past weekend. My takeaway was the bonding of my friendships with my fellows. We had such meaningful conversation, they continue to show up and care. I want to shoutout Bryan. Bryan is one of those guys that everyone wants to be around. Bryan is smart and observant, the more i’ve gotten to understand him, the more similar I think we are, well maybe not the everyone wants to be around him thing, but his intellect and thought process are familiar. Its noticed Bryan.

We toured some houses. Josh is hilarious. Josh, you’re seen man, and wanted, some could say… loved.

Spring!! Sprang!! Sprung!!

Spring has sprung!!! 

My favorite season!! Wildflowers and sunshine and warm weather all da time!! And how bittersweet this year, since that also means it’s the last season before Fellows comes to an end :,) BUT we aren’t there yet!!

Also, happy April Fools Day ahah! I did not pull any pranks this year (bummer) but it only feels appropriate to share what an epic prankster my mom used to be! My sisters and I shared rooms occasionally when we were younger, but some years we each had our own room. Once or twice during those years when we all were in separate rooms, I would go to sleep all snug in my bed on the evening of March 31st, and wake up INCREDIBLY disoriented and confused because on the morning of April 1st, I’d be in one of my sisters room all snug in HER bed!! Like can you imagine my confusion?? Fear perhaps?? How did I end up there? Yeah, my mom switched us while we were sleeping. Turns out I’m a heavy sleeper. Isn’t that hilarious?? Truly the older I get the more I appreciate how epic of a prank that was for my mom to do to us. Anyone who’s reading this and plans to have kids, take notes. 

That said, today is a Tuesday and we aren’t on a retreat together so I unfortunately couldn’t try to pull that prank on any of the Fellows (you guys lucked out this time…)

This month was both a compilation of some of the most random things we’ve done in Fellows (can y’all believe Carolina Cocktail was this month?? wack.) and my favorite month of work so far. I don’t think I’ve talked about work in my blog yet so it’s due for an update!

I work at Refugee Hope Partners this year. I remember before starting this program, I requested to work in a non-profit, and hopefully in some place where I could get some form of international experience, missions-esque maybe but not actually missions because I feel kinda weird about missions but I’m also kinda intrigued by them, and I was like oh also I drove a bus so if you want to do anything with that you can do something with that. I remember thinking I don’t know what the heck the Fellows committee will do with this information but hey I trust God to make something out of this chaotic request that I’m not even sure I understand. And out of an oddly-specific-yet-incredibly-vague request came the most oddly-specific-to-everything-I-asked-for job at a place where a local nonprofit is literally serving the nations daily as their sole goal. EPIC.

A lot of my job is a lot of learning. Each week the other admin intern and I get to meet with our supervisor and another person on staff and talk about different countries of the world where our families are coming from, learning the history of the country and the events that forced our familes to seek refuge elsewhere. I get to read books, watch movies, research on my own and create presentations for it, and get to hear the stories of the families I see every week. Truthfully, I didn’t know much about the refugee crisis before I started working here, and it is a privilege to learn about it in exactly the way I do this year. 

Refugee Hope Partners offers a variety of services to help families in Raleigh thrive, including after school homework help, adult ESL classes, volunteers who help bring families to all of their medical appointments, and programs to set students and families up with mentors or other families to do life together with. It’s truly been such a fun and welcoming environment to step into as a new intern in September. This month I’ve been involved with more programs than I’m typically invited into, and it’s been so dang fun!! I’m helping with more events, and I’m in our Early Learning Club more often as an extra hand and that’s probably what has made this month my favorite. Those little stinkers are full of giggles and schemes and I just adore them.

I also pick up some students in a van to take them to homework help after school. Recently, a new friend (2nd grade) joined my route, and her family just recently moved to the US. She speaks just about no English and was expectedly very shy and timid the first time we picked her up. I have another little buddy (also 2nd grade) on that route with me, who I’ve been picking up since September, and it has been her mission to befriend this new friend and put a smile on her face! We learned how to say “hello” in Dari, our friend's language, and my buddy, who only speaks Spanish and English, makes sure she always greets her in Dari. MELTS my heart to hear them playing in the back seat together!! My buddy has a million tricks up her sleeve that require no words, things like rock-paper-scissors, or clapping games she teaches our friend, and sometimes they’re even chattin it up back there like old friends! (I asked my buddy “what are you guys talking about back there?” “I don’t know!” She’s speaking in Spanish and her friend is speaking in Dari HA!) And it doesn’t even matter. It’s been, what, like three weeks since our new friend joined our route twice a week, and they now sprint out of the van holding hands and giggling as they race inside to homework help. 

So that’s been my brainspace recently. Just thinking about how beautiful this little friendship is. 

I hope you pranked your heart out today! Go, frolic in the streets! Breathe in the cloud of pollen covering Raleigh right now! Take your car to the new car wash behind the ABC store on Sandy Forks for a free car wash! And never, ever speak poorly of this warm sunny springtime weather!! 

See ya next month,

Celeste

corny writing on an epic day with God

I’m starting to think that God really likes me.

We were talking the other day on the silent retreat, and I’m fairly certain that He does. Like a lot.

I love to make things feel special - I get that from my mom. And so when I know friends are coming into town, someone’s birthday or a day trip is coming up, I want to sink my teeth into the details and make an itinerary that the other person or people will enjoy.

God and I have never spent a whole day together, just the two of us. And so I was a little nervous on Sunday thinking about what I should plan. What would He want to do with me?

I asked Him if He wanted to go on a walk and He said sure. But I got distracted because I found the library off of the dining room at St. Francis and it looked so cozy. I was curled up on a comfy leather couch, sipping coffee, reading through Every Moment Holy liturgy books and eavesdropping on these older ladies having brunch, when I remembered I told God we’d go on a walk. Before I could apologize to Him, He told me He didn’t mind. That He was also comfortable in this little corner, that He liked watching me experience His daughters tittering over their breakfast in the other room, and that He had thought of me when these liturgies were being written. He knew I needed to read the one entitled For Beginning an Artistic Work that morning.

We eventually went on a walk, but I didn’t have anything interesting to say. I passed Emma and she was clearly having some good conversation with Him as she walked the Stations of the Cross. I thought harder about what He would want to talk about. He told me He was content just to walk with me. It reminded me of when I would drive with my dad to volleyball practice - blabbering nonstop about nothing of importanace. He wouldn’t say much, so I would ask him if I was boring him. He would always say “I just like hearing you talk.”

God and I sat on the enclosed porch and drew, copied down some quotes in my journal that I didn’t want to forget, read a few chapters of a good book, and processed through some prolonged hurts in the outdoor chapel. He never rushed me, never zoned out, didn’t seem to mind my distractions and random ideas.

It was a great day, one of my favorites. And it was confirmation of something I’ve suspected but was scared to say confidently, He likes being with me.

“How glorious the splendor of a human heart that trusts that it is loved!” - Brennan Manning

- Tessa

Joe's blog pt 7

Hello world its Joe

As I reflect on the month of March I recall the night before genograms were due. As you would guess, I indeed procrastined writing the paper. But do not fret, I got the job done! The process was challenging and good.. but also annoying. Now let me explain. It was challenging and good by giving me better understanding of my family members and the experiences they each had when they were a child. I learned about different patterns in my dads and moms side that have been passed down generation to generation. It was also neat hearing my sisters share their experience and how it was similar or different to my experience.

The process was annoying because the smoke detector started chirping at 4 AM. I was almost done with my paper but the chirping was persistent, every 20 seconds I would hear a loud chirp. I had to just deal with the chirp until Monday afternoon when I could go to the store and get a new battery for the smoke detector.

I’m really grateful for Laura Love for teaching Family Systems and having us create a genogram and write a paper about our genogram and family interviews. The class was very informative and there are many things I am taking with me that will be useful in the future.

On another note… This month Josh and I discovered our new Monday dinner spot before guy’s night. We found a food truck called G’s Tacos. It doesn’t sound special but the joy it has brought to Josh and myself has made it special to us. The food truck is off of six forks road on the side of a gas station near Planet Fitness. If you need better directions contact me and I’ll try my best to get you there.

Rallows Month 7

I feel like it’s been a very long time since the last blog postings. This month has felt full and so sweet. One of the sweetest parts happened to be this past weekend at the silent retreat. I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it a thousand times: I really get a kick out of being somewhere outside, and no one in the whole world knows where I am except for me. It’s been pretty hard to find that in Raleigh, so I was beyond giddy to get to do that at St. Francis yesterday.

What I mainly want to talk about is Psalm 23. This chapter has been a recurring chapter throughout my life. Little did I know how special it would be when Mr. Hilborn had us memorize and recite it every day in Bible history class seven years ago. Oftentimes, in moments of solitude and silence, the only thing I know to do is pray Psalm 23 over and over. Saturday morning, I woke up waiting for the coffee to be done brewing and decided to just go walk the labyrinth while I waited. I wasn’t sure yet what I wanted to talk to God about, and probably needed the caffeine to figure it out, so I just prayed Psalm 23 over and over till I reached the end. Every time I do this, I feel different parts being lit up more than others. The part that got me this time was “He restores my soul”. Which is funny because it was always the part I missed in Bible history class that got me points taken off on our memorization tests. But this time, I could picture it written in bold. I gotta tell ya, Fellows is fast-paced and sometimes hard to stop to take a breath and care for my soul. Every time I said that part out loud, I felt my soul expand (just like the little toy that Mary showed us), and it felt very needed. Praying that my soul continues to feel restored this April.

Another reason why Psalm 23 felt so special and needed was the picture Mary gave us to meditate on at the start of the retreat. It was a picture of a shepherd holding his lamb. I know this is a silly thought, but the first thing it made me think of was how I always look at my cat and wish I could live life like her. Just doing nothing all day but sleep and run around, and your owners feed you and do everything for you. It made me think that because the Lord is my shepherd, I kind of get to feel a little bit of that. He just carries me. I don’t need to do anything. This doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit around and not eat the food that was given to me or ignore my owner and not let them hold me. I get to eat the food the Lord provides me, and I get to just be held. Crazy that I compared the Lord being our shepherd to my fat cat and her food, but it makes sense in my head.

Anywho, thankful for this weekend, thankful for March, thankful we have April, and thankful for the Fellows.

This month I recommend… JADE!!! (the Bolash’s cat I love her so much), La La Land color theory (thanks Celeste), 15 passenger vans, green bagels, day trips to Boone, the new Hunger Games book, roses (thanks Sam), lego keychains, and of course two more months with fellows.

Evy :)

Raleigh Rookie: Episode 7

This month, I got to go home for a couple days to celebrate my mother’s retirement. My sisters and I flew in from different parts of the country to celebrate her in Georgia. We only get to all be together once or twice a year, so it was a gift to have this time.

The celebration felt surreal. My mom has always worked, and her career was a central part of her story as a mother. When I think back to my childhood, I remember her picking me up from school, fresh off her 9-5, wearing a suit and pearls.  That was my favorite image of my mom. Looking back, I realize how much she embodied beauty and strength through her work.

My mom spent 32 years with the same company. Her career was not just a way to provide for us; it also created a community of coworkers who became like family. They prayed me up when I was a kid, kept pictures of me on their desks, and showed our family what the kingdom of heaven looks like through their kindness and love.

Watching such a significant chapter close was inspiring. My mom’s career is a testament to how God led her steps, guiding her to a place where she could be a light and a blessing to others.

As my mom’s career ends, I am trying to start on my own! I’m inspired by her life and the way the Lord blessed her steps.

And all I know is He is blessing ours today.

Cheers to the journey ahead!

-Skip

March Blog - Bryan

Howdy folks!

March has been a solid month. Here’s a quick list of some things that have happened:

• 360 reviews (shoutout to everyone who provided input for us fellows, you are greatly appreciated)

• Carolina Cocktail Party

• NC State Baseball game (my friend was playing for the other team… go hokies!)

• Persian New Year (didn’t get to plant any barley though)

• Sister, Brother in-law, and niece visited

• Visited Duke and UNC

• Shark Tank

• Silent Retreat

Here’s some pictures from the month!

We got to visit the UNC Study Center for class one day, and it was awesome. We discussed faith and work, and then went to Canes. I did not realize how much I missed Canes, so it was nice to pay a visit to my old friend.

Emma, Lola, and I explored Duke for our prayer partner time, and it was magical. There were some beautiful buildings with all sorts of interesting relics and religious pieces inside. We also highly recommend taking a stroll through the gardens there.

We rented a 15 passenger van and drove down to Charlotte for the Carolina Cocktail. It was a party for all of the fellows programs in the Carolinas, and it was a good time! I even got to see my friend Caleb, who is a Charlotte fellow. Also, it turns out that the guys have the perfect height distribution for a prom pic.

This month has been a good one, and I’m pumped to take in all that these last 6-7 weeks have to offer. Fellows has been a productive experience that has facilitated some of the best friendships I have ever had. So sad that it has to end, but I am eagerly awaiting what the end of fellows has in store.

Tootles!

Bryan

Fellows blog seven! Make earth look more like heaven

Writing blogs at the end of each month is also such a strange experience. It makes me realize how much can really happen in just one month. If you would have asked me before writing this what I did this past month I’m not sure what I would have told you. The stress, joy, fear, passion, grief, friendships, and every other emotion often turn into this mangled mess in my mind that I don’t know how to interact with most days. I really do think fellows is an experience I will most understand in hindsight (which I guess is true of every learning experience)

This month was a pretty heavy one for me, with both high highs and low lows. I’ll start withs the lows so I can on a positive note

The Lows:

Writing my genogram was very difficult for me. Not the writing process, as I actually enjoy writing long papers on things I’m passionate about, but in coming to terms with my family history. I think for a long time I thought I had a fairly “normal” childhood. But can anyone really say that? All parents are sinners, and all childhoods fall short of what God desires for us to experience. As I’ve looked back on past generations I’ve both been shocked by the weight of sin in my story, and the consistent faithfulness of God. There’s so much that I want to change for the future generations of my family. Praise God that I get to rebuild with my foundation as the word of God, not doomed to simply repeat the same patterns that have been past down to me. But overall its something I’ve honestly tried to avoid thinking about after the fact for now. I’m sure the lord will bring it back to memory when the time comes

My 360 was also a difficult experience for me. Not bad, just difficult. Its hard to know that the flaws you most want to give rid of are as painfully obvious to other people as they are to you. However I really do think it was helpful to hear some of my tendencies described in new language and written with compassion. I know I don’t take criticism very well, and its something I want to work on. Words that are meant to bring conviction, can often bring unwarranted to shame. But I know that its always better to face reality than pretend I’m perfect. As it says in proverbs, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy”

The highs:

I got to be a shark! Most people don’t know but I actually grew up as the childrens mascot for my large non denominational churches children ministry. We had two mascot suits. The older one was a frog and the newer one was a shark. In many services I would walk in the auditorium all dressed up and invite the kids to leave for kids church before the sermon started. Kids would frequently run up to my mouth hole and pull open the suit to see who was inside. About a week ago Mission Triangle allowed me to relive this feeling all over again. Once a year they host a “shark tank” event where local non profits get to fundraise for their next big goals. Tessa asked if I would be the shark mascot and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I got to stand outside and wave, hug, take pictures, and get up to general shark business.

Staff devos! I started reading a really good about a month ago called “The Familiar Stranger” by Tyler Staton. In summary is basically a guide to experience the Holy Spirit in Healing, Prophecy, Witness, Suffering, and many others ways without being weird or excessive about it. I thought it was a really pastorally healthy book so I recommended it to our Pastor Nick. About a week after he asked me to lead a devotion for the whole apostles staff going through the book! Its been a blast talking about some of these topics with everyone at apostles and getting hear everyones stories. Next session is on healing, and I’m looking forward to seeing how God guides our conversations

As of now we just got back from our silent retreat and feel quite sleep deprived, and ready to finish this blog. We’re getting dinner with the Bolash’s tonight which has me pumped! So I think I’m just going to end it here

-Elijah

On Tears and Change and Kentucky Basketball

This month has been one of the most emotionally intense months I’ve had so far. And I know what you're thinking - Lola is emotional!? Never saw that one coming. But this has been a month of coming to terms with the fact that maybe I’m not so good at the one thing I claim to excel at. Maybe I’m actually terrified of my emotions? Combine 360s and writing my genogram, having to think seriously about the future, considering some really deep wounds that have resurfaced, processing change in some of my really close relationships, sitting in silence with God, and the fact that time keeps ticking and I’m left barely holding myself together a lot of days. My goodness, is that terrifying. I love control and not needing anything from anyone, and boy is it scary to let myself be open to the fact that the depths of my emotions propel me far outside of that. 

I’ve been sitting a lot with this image the Lord met me with in a similar period of wrestling my senior year of college. It’s this picture of a little girl held in the arms of her father. She’s so angry that she’s screaming at him and banging her fists against his chest. But he just quietly lets her continue, and he’s glad she’s there because she knows if she was anywhere else, she would scrape her fists against the walls. And he’s so glad she’s there because he loves her he knows its safest for her to be here. And slowly, the screams turn to sobs as she turns her deepest sorrows over to the one who can most safely hold them. And he’s so glad she’s there. 

Emma’s roundtable on processing our emotions on God hit me the hardest of any roundtable yet. I pretty much sobbed through the whole thing. That caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting feeling my emotions to feel so scarry in that moment. But it did. In some level of stupid pride, I think I thought that fellows wouldn’t be that hard for me. I’m decently self-aware, I like talking about feelings and theology and friendship. Piece of cake right? The Lord is probably giggling down at my naive ideas of self-sufficiency (you think I’d have learned by now !?!). And on some level I’m a little angry to be here again. I hate the messiness of the middle and the unpredictability of my mind and I’m so terrified and furious to be back here again. And it makes it heavy and hard to show up honestly to be with God. But on another level, I’m immensely grateful that the Lord consistently acts in ways I don’t understand and would never choose. Coming face to face with the reality of the ways that he has made me and sin and brokenness have taken their tole on me (and unweaving which is which!) is holy and heavy. And thanks be to God for this space to face it head-on. Coming face to face with the reality of my past and present and future is terrifying and holy and heavy. And thanks be to God for this space to face it head-on. 

Shockingly I’ve cried a lot this month. That’s not something that comes particularly difficultly to me. But I have been thinking a lot about the role of tears in emotional expression. Someone once asked me what it would look like for our tears to serve a purpose even greater than just personal relief. I’m not sure. And I’m not sure they have to. But I like the idea. Not even sure it’s connected to what I’m talking about just throwing it out there because I’ve been thinking about it. But I think there is something about the inherent withness that happens when tears enter the equation. My tears keep me from holding my emotion completely to myself. They invite others into either the beauty or sorrow that spurred them on. That’s holy. I invite people into my sentimental tears easily, it’s a lot harder for me to wear my heavy emotions openly; fear builds a lot of resistance. I’d like to work on that.

My mom instilled in me early that some days what carries us through the heavy is our rhythms. When you can’t do much else our routines can hold us. So amidst a lot of change I’m grateful that there are things that keep me rooted in the broader narrative of my life. I’m grateful that every March I remember that I get to defrost the part of me that is a Kentucky basketball fan. It connects me to being small and pinning my bracket to the fridge, eager to update it. I’m grateful that spring returns and things become green again and I see new life start to blossom. And I get to run around outside being joyful that my favorite season has returned. I’m grateful that I get to wear green and eat green bagels and have friends that give me their pickles. And I’m also so abundantly grateful for the common grace of my weekly routine. That I get to kneel in confession and be met in communion even when I struggle to feel him close, that I get to call someone from home on my drives to and from work, I’m grateful that I can gather in safety with people I love and eat together and know I am cared for deeply even as I wrestle so much inside myself. It truly is routines that carry us. And I’m grateful for the quiet ministry of God to me even as I bang on his chest. 

March Stats:

Cries- 27 (And ladies and gentlemen thats a record!)

Visits from my mom- 1 (but guys shes just the best)

Hours of silence - 24ish

Purchases on Aldi Day- 4

Even here his hand will lead and hold me. 

All my love!

Lola

It's Lent Season Ladies and Gents

Firstly, I would just like to state for the record that I feel it is absolutely foul how quickly the month of March has gone by. I mean c’mon now, that is so unnecessary! I know I have no control over that, but God, if You’re listening, can we please slow it down a teeny bit for the next 6 weeks?

Which brings me to next point: Lent. (I know it wasn’t the smoothest transition, but I promise Lent and slowness go hand in hand). Anyways, I grew up in a context where Lent was never really practiced, so though I had friends who gave things up for Lent, we never did. However, in order to get the full Anglican experience, the Fellows all participate in the practice of Lent, with the intention of removing one thing from our daily lives and adding one thing in to draw us closer to God. After much prayer and thought, God and I landed on me giving up snoozing my alarm clock and adding in the practice of writing down one area I saw God in my day or was grateful each night. More than anything else, these practices have begun to grow my ability to be more present and thoughtful as I go about my day.

Now, I don’t know if this was something that was ever stressed to you, but I remember on several occasions (mostly in English class or from a college pastor) being told that if something is repeated more than once, it is something that is worth paying attention to. And boy oh boy has the Lord been repeating things to me throughout Lent. The message that I feel I’ve been getting from God has been repeated back to me in pretty much every area of my life (like guys literally in everything from our 360 reviews, to therapy, to the silent retreat, to my own roundtable topic that I led). I think this message is best illustrated in my experience with the stations of the cross at our silent retreat.

The stations of the cross is most simply a series of 14 images that mark the 14 major events in Jesus’ crucifixion, which are each accompanied by scriptures, prayer, and reflection. They are set up in a way that allows you to physically move to each of the 14 images as you contemplate them, and during our time at the silent retreat, I spent a lot of time reflecting at each of the stations. However, I was most drawn to the three stations where Jesus fell carrying the cross not once, not twice, but three times. I firmly believe Jesus is our best and perfect example of dignity, of grace, of humility, and of strength, and I also believe that though He was fully man as well as fully God, He had to willingly surrender to death itself and didn’t die just because He’d had enough and it got the better of Him. All that to say, I think Jesus, had He chosen to, could have carried the cross the full distance with a stoic and vengeful look on His face without stopping or stumbling, and yet I think He chose to fall 3 times. Our perfect example of strength, dignity, grace, and humility INCLUDES falling. What?? Insane to me still. And what’s better, Jesus, though God in the flesh, accepts the smallest acts of help from a man who carries the cross with Him and a woman who does nothing more than wipe the sweat and blood from His face. Once again, I don’t think He “needed” that, and yet, there was an intentional reason He accepted it.

Sorry for the theological side bar, let me draw this back together a bit. My point being, I am not quick to let others see me “falling” or out of control. In fact, I tend to view “falling” itself as failure altogether. However, falling is not failure, but rather an incredibly essential part of strength it turns out. Additionally, I need to let others see it so they can enter in with me. I’m not totally sure where to start at times, but I feel like for now it is starting with trying to be more present and thoughtful in the moment with the incredible friends I’ve found in the other 13 Fellows + Ashley.

Happy Lenting!

Love,

Emma <3

Fellows blog six! So much in the mix!

Apologies for the late blog everyone! February was one heck of a month, with lots to learn from.

Currently I am writing this in the middle of meal prepping for my next busy week, which just goes to show how go go go fellows life can be. I’m trying to make a cajun style red beans and sausage over rice but its coming out a bit watery. I think I might add a little corn starch mixed in with some of the cooking liquid to help thicken everything up in a bit

As excited as I am for life to slow down a bit after graduating from fellows, I really will miss all of the special opportunities of the program. Just in the past month we had our longest retreat yet which was super insightful. The guys also attempted to go on a secret trip to florida over the course of the women’s retreat but were sadly caught. We also started two new class which I both love, World view and New Testament. I’ll now elaborate a bit on what I loved about each of these

First up was the Career Calling and Vocation retreat. We got to have a guest pastor named Cam (also known as King Cam) fly out to come teach us for a weekend about how the gospel impacts our lives at work. We talked about how almost all jobs are either “For the kingdom” or “Against the world”, and how our work can make earth a little bit more like heaven. We were warned of the burden of meaning making, and were reminded to rest in having everything we do not having to carry incredible significance. We talk about a theology of risk, and how christians should take risks in their careers because we believe God will protect us regardless of the outcome. The most insightful part of the retreat was when we all had 1 on 1 career counseling. I talked to Cam about my plan to pursue full time ministry a bit later in life than I initially expected and he agreed that was a good idea, which gave me a lot of assurance that I was hearing from the Lord accurately. He also warned not to make my non-religious 9-5 into a mission field too quickly, but instead build rapport from my good work ethic and gracious spirit.

Up next was the grand “secret trip”. After class on friday all of the guys hid our cars in a free parking lot, and hurried to the airport. We were on our way to Fort Lauderdale florida, and overall it was a blast. Watching gladiator and braveheart in the same weekend, meeting Josh’s friend, ordering late night pizza, and all of us getting horribly sunburnt on the beach were some of the highlights. It further helped the fellows guy community bond, and solidified my confidence that we will be friends for life. I have so much confidence that all of the fellows guys (and girls too!) are going to do lots of good for the world, and bring God glory in their post fellows lives. After we got back from the retreat the girls immediately pointed our Josh’s sunburn to which he doubled down on his now infamous alibi, “I was doing work in front of a window and it was sunny out”

Update: The corn starch slurry didn’t work and I’m going to add more

Lastly I want to talk about our two new classes. Talking about World-Views are my jam. Being a philosophy major, discussing how other religions differentiate from Christianity is one of my favorite subjects. Many religions have partial truths, that find their fullness in the gospel, and knowing those half truths helps christians to more effectively witness to those of other belief systems. As Charles Spurgeon famously said “Discernment is not simply being able to tell right from wrong, but being able to tell almost right from wrong”. One of the interesting things our professor Scott brought up was that according to deists, sin is only a matter of ignorance and not morality. Salvation then is not about being brought to life by the spirit, but by learning what is good and true purely by human reason. I’ve been thinking a lot about how our culture shares this view. Sometimes sin is thought of as simply a lack of self awareness. As new age and open spirituality become increasingly more popular the belief that salvation is found by enlightenment of hidden spiritual truths, rather than reptance goes with it. Some Christians already subscribe to this idea without realizing it by ignoring biblical passages about Gods justice, and focusing the doctrine of sanctification on human effort rather than God’s intervention. And these kinds of thoughts are why I commonly get distacted in class, as my mind wanders in a thousand directions thinking about the implaicatons of what we are discussing

Update: The corn starch slurry worked!. Now I’ll just have to adjust the salt levels and add some garnish and I’ll be done. Yay food!

New Testament has also gotten off to a strong start. I love how Ryan and Emily invite us to wrestle with the overalls themes of large sections of scripture rather than getting lost in the details of each story. Seeing the whole forest of God’s love instead of just the trees fills my heart with worship for a God who always fulfills his promises. You can tell that all of the fellows have been hungry for deeper biblical study as the year has gone on, rather than always jumping to application (as good as application is). Its cool how each fellows personality and unique story really come across in our discussions and highlight differnet aspects of the text I couldn’t see if it was just me reading

Anyway, sorry if that was too much! I’m off to go grab dinner with my prayer partner this week and then work on my resume so I can start applying for jobs soon. Prayers would be appreciated

-Elijah

February Fun Fellows Flicks

Hey Blog!

I know this is late… BUT anyways! February has been extra full with retreats, Valentine’s parties, and well-spent time with the Fellows! The month started off strong with the Career, Calling, and Vocation Retreat, where I learned a lot about how my strengths, weaknesses, and motivations play into how I work. Shout out to KING CAM for the time he spent with us to educate us and do 1-on-1 meetings to talk about our personal assessments! Then Valentine’s Day brought so many sweet moments from the Bolash Café, where we got to feel so loved by Robin and Klaus’s hospitality #danger, a girl’s night where we made Valentine’s for each other and got to share sweet moments, and I got flowers and a sweet card from Sam allll the way from France! Then, the girls went to the Apostles Women’s Retreat, which was so special! To be surrounded by a bunch of women who are all so different but all perfectly reflect the image of God truly is a wonderful experience! Oh, and can’t forget the skit that we performed for all of them… Between all of these things, there were so many fun moments with the Fellows that made me thankful for each one of them! From prayer partner time to run club, I am grateful for the busyness and all the pictures that were taken! The shared album has 2,607 pictures and videos!

<3, AG

TESSYWESSY (yeah that’s her Spotify name)

Tessa is very creative! This can be seen in the sketches that she draws on the sweet notes she gives everyone or the bits and jokes that she does! It is special to see the different outlets that she can shine out of throughout her life. I am thankful for the friendship that I have with her and the ways that she tries to get to know me! So go check out this creative girl on Spotify… she has some great playlists!

JOSH our resident mechanic

Does your car make a weird noise when it turns on? Do your brakes sometimes make a noise? Does your window not work? CALL JOSH! A man who is always down to listen to you, whether that’s about your car or just life updates, Josh is the one you want to talk to! I am thankful to know him and his wealth of knowledge! Oh and if he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he is willing to learn more to help! We don’t deserve him!

My Sixth Blog Post

Hello. I’m a bit late to the party this time. It was bound to happen at some point. Bend don’t break am I right? I coached middle school baseball for three years while I was at Appalachian State. It’s one of the most rewarding and life-giving things I have ever done. This past Friday, I got to watch the team I coached play close to my hometown. It was the first time I had seen them since I’ve been in Raleigh, and it reminded me how much of a gift it was to coach them. To be with them again, even if it was only for a day, was such a blessing. If anyone knows any coaching positions opening up in the Raleigh area next year let me know. This has nothing to do with what I’m going to write about in this blog post. Sorry.

It’s finna get a lil’ vulnerable up in here, so if you’re not into that… I once again am sorry. The Fellows recently read a book called “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning (recently as in over Christmas break, so more like recent adjacent). There’s no good way to sum up exactly what this book is about, at least no good way that I’m aware of. This is not because it’s obscure and aimless, but more so because it’s dense. In 148 pages, Brennan (yes we’re on a first name basis) articulates many things regarding his walk with the Lord, but my biggest takeaway was his concept of self-hatred and how that can really skew our image of how God thinks of us.

 “The fourteenth-century mystic Julian of Norwich said, “Our courteous Lord does not want his servants to despair because they fall often and grievously; for our falling does not hinder him in loving us.” Our skepticism and timidity keep us from belief and acceptance; however, we don’t hate God, but we hate ourselves. Yet the spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.

…

“God calls us to stop hiding and come openly to Him. God is the father who ran to His prodigal son when he came limping home. God weeps over us when shame and self-hatred immobilize us.”

I’ve struggled a lot with self-hatred. As Manning mentions, my struggle is not only the deprecation I inflict on myself, but also my misconception that the Lord reflects that same hatred towards me as well. I don’t actually have much more to say about this, which to some extent defeats the purpose of a blog I reckon. Quite frankly, I would love to say that reading this changed my whole perspective in an instant and I haven’t thought negatively of myself since December, but that’s just not true. There are days when I feel like Abba’s child, and there are days that I simply do not. I think that’s okay? Not so much my misconceptions of the Lord’s love for me, but the belief that He’s proud of me for trying to reshape them one day at a time.

Most of my reflecting on this has come in the form of music, as most of my reflecting does. The reason I felt urged to share about it in this blog post is because of a lyric from Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit’s masterpiece “Chaos and Clothes” that I’ve recently been drawn to. The lyric is “you say love is hell but it’s the ghost of love that’s made you such a mess.” I can confidently say that I don’t think love is hell (phew). But maybe sometimes it does feel foreign. Maybe it feels like it’s unavailable. Maybe it does feel like a ghost and that makes me feel like a mess. Thankfully, what I do know to be true is that’s not how the love of my Heavenly Father works. It is always available. It is unwavering. And If I’m a mess, I know that I’m His mess. Just working on believing in that everyday.

My song recommendation is none other than “Chaos and Clothes” by Jason Isbell.

And all 400 of his Units.

Love, Bailey

Ryan's February

This month was crazy.

Went to OBX with my high school small group. GUMP!

We had our Career Calling Vocation retreat. Project Manager?

I had a retreat with my friends from college. The Milk men.

The guys fellows flew to Florida and got a sunburn as well as watched Braveheart. William Wallace, what a guy.

Saw Gracie. Love her! We went to her sisters college championship swim meet this past weekend. She had a PR in one of her races. Good job Madelynn!

okay bye

Hi Blog-February was for sure a MONTH

Hi!!!! This month has been emotional, so this blog will be as well but don’t worry it won’t be too bad.

This month has been all about encouraging for me. All my life I have always been subpar at most things like, school, sports, choir, writing essays, you name it. I was always good but not the best and I was completely fine about it. BUT one thing I could always bring to the table and was the best at was encouragement. I am always cheering people on and bringing other up. That was my thing, that was my contribution. For the first time in my life, I really truly feel encouraged and built up by other people who truly know me for who I am. The fellows see me and when they encourage or give my a compliment, its really easy to believe them. (Shoutout to Evy, Celeste, Bryan, Bailey, Josh, and Emma. I doubt you remember the little things you’ve said but they meant a lot) At our career-calling-vocational retreat we had a lot of talks about strengths and weaknesses. And to be very honest, it was really hard to think of my strengths and easy to recongnize weaknesses, but the weaknesses I thought I had weren’t even true, so that was a whole thing of really looking at true weaknesses. During this whole debacle we were each put on the “hot seat” basically and were pretty much just telling each other what strengths and good stuff we see in each other. Basically this brought me to tears, I have never been in a space where so many different people have shown that they each love me differently. I was completely overwhelmed with the idea that thirteen people I’ve only know for 6ish months have some much good to say about me. I am just in awe of how the goodness of God is shining through each and every one of the fellows, and now I am really starting to see that it is shining through me too.

Something that has really stuck with me over the last month is this quote From the shack: (I know controversial): “I am very fond of them” which is God talking about some person, but God is very fond of us all and I just want to look at all of Gods children like that.

I want to let all the fellows know that I have spent 5 hours alone on purpose this week to try to be better at being independent.

Women’s retreat was a dream. I often find myself having friend crushes (you get excited to be their friend because you think they are cool and fun and want to be their friend) when I am in a new space and I developed A LOT this weekend. There were so many amazing women I am so excited to get to know better. Two who stand out are Wendy Shultz and Joanna Refvem. Wendy was at my table all weekend and was also one of the speakers. I wish I could portray how cool I find her but words can’t do justice. She’s awesome and was wonderful to talk too. Joanna, in a nutshell this woman is a vibe and if you’re reading this Joanna please know that is a compliment. I admire how she carries herself and speaks to others. She is so fun and tearing it up on the dance floor with her during silent disco AND contemporary dance was the highlight of my weekend. She is just incredible, I can’t wait to know her more. Seeing how huge and amazing the women’s ministry is was such an amazing experience and I will do everything I can to go back next year!

Back to the regular scheduled programming of recommendations.

• dancing your heart out

• staying up late and getting up early

• the miedemas front porch swing. (probably my favorite spot to sit ever)

• lavender anything

• getting snowed in with celeste

• going on walks

• talking about other peoples interests

• the bounce curl define styling brush

• the movie Waitress, just watch it and get back to me with feedback

• getting pierced! (I got my thirds done, I forget everytime that is actually hurts and takes time to heal)

• picking people up! (like with a car, to go places)

• trying new foods (had seafood boil, loved it)

Music recommendations:

• All I need to hear - Mitchell Ferguson

• The Ballad of Boot Hill - Johnny Cash

• Pay no Rent - Turnpike Troubadours

• Slow Hand - Conway Twitty

• Weight of the World - Chris Stapleton

• Playing on the Tracks - Luke Grimes

• Dannys Song - Loggins & Messina

• Do I wanna know? - Live at the BBC - Hozier

• 2 songs : Where the Red Fern Grows and Diamondhead - J.R. Carroll

• and ANYTHING by Rhianna

• and ANYTHING by Adele

Anyways hope you enjoyed reading this!

love, Jenna

RALLOWS MONTH 6

Dropping in real quick to say I love women. This month the lady fellows got to go on the women’s retreat with all the lovely ladies of apostles; and it was epic. The days leading up to the retreat I was having a hard time fully looking forward to it for two reasons. The first reason was I didn’t want to pack my bag again. Packing is one thing I dread the most and fellows is full of packing. I’ve decided that all this packing must be teaching me something. Every time I finish packing I’m all of a sudden excited for whatever retreat we are about to go on. To all the future fellows reading this: just come with a pre-packed suitcase and keep it by the door. The second reason is the only thing I could think about in regards to the women’s retreat was this skit we were putting on. The planning and choreography for our skit was intense (but actually some of the most fun I’ve had in fellows). Needless to say, I was quite nervous to perform in front of all these women that may have only seen my face on a pamphlet on their fridge. The skit turned out to be an absolute hit, I think… but super huge thank you to the Elderflowers for including us in their performance of the year. We love you all very much and think you are all so beautiful and fun.

It feels special and rare to sit in a room full of women who love God and show up to love each other. It also feels special and rare to tear up the silent disco dance floor with your pastor (LETS GO LAUREN MANN). And of course it is so special and rare that the seven of us fellow girls plus Ashley happen to not only love each other but really like each other. After the retreat, the girls started a shared notes we call “glimmer hunting” where we add the things we are thankful for throughout each day. I have to fight the urge not to type “you guys” everyday but I fear I can overdo the cheesy sometimes. So this is my blanket statement that I am and always will be thankful for you guys everyday.

I could’ve probably just written this entire blog about Joanna Refvem and it would be the most epic blog ever, but I figured I’d give airtime to the weekend as a whole. Joanna, if you’re reading this, we can’t wait to come over and send Josh to his room.

This month I recommend… Valentines Day (the best holiday to ever exist), silent disco, snow days, nyquil, elaborately choreographed dance routines, and women.

Evy :)