Hello. I’m a bit late to the party this time. It was bound to happen at some point. Bend don’t break am I right? I coached middle school baseball for three years while I was at Appalachian State. It’s one of the most rewarding and life-giving things I have ever done. This past Friday, I got to watch the team I coached play close to my hometown. It was the first time I had seen them since I’ve been in Raleigh, and it reminded me how much of a gift it was to coach them. To be with them again, even if it was only for a day, was such a blessing. If anyone knows any coaching positions opening up in the Raleigh area next year let me know. This has nothing to do with what I’m going to write about in this blog post. Sorry.
It’s finna get a lil’ vulnerable up in here, so if you’re not into that… I once again am sorry. The Fellows recently read a book called “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning (recently as in over Christmas break, so more like recent adjacent). There’s no good way to sum up exactly what this book is about, at least no good way that I’m aware of. This is not because it’s obscure and aimless, but more so because it’s dense. In 148 pages, Brennan (yes we’re on a first name basis) articulates many things regarding his walk with the Lord, but my biggest takeaway was his concept of self-hatred and how that can really skew our image of how God thinks of us.
“The fourteenth-century mystic Julian of Norwich said, “Our courteous Lord does not want his servants to despair because they fall often and grievously; for our falling does not hinder him in loving us.” Our skepticism and timidity keep us from belief and acceptance; however, we don’t hate God, but we hate ourselves. Yet the spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.
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“God calls us to stop hiding and come openly to Him. God is the father who ran to His prodigal son when he came limping home. God weeps over us when shame and self-hatred immobilize us.”
I’ve struggled a lot with self-hatred. As Manning mentions, my struggle is not only the deprecation I inflict on myself, but also my misconception that the Lord reflects that same hatred towards me as well. I don’t actually have much more to say about this, which to some extent defeats the purpose of a blog I reckon. Quite frankly, I would love to say that reading this changed my whole perspective in an instant and I haven’t thought negatively of myself since December, but that’s just not true. There are days when I feel like Abba’s child, and there are days that I simply do not. I think that’s okay? Not so much my misconceptions of the Lord’s love for me, but the belief that He’s proud of me for trying to reshape them one day at a time.
Most of my reflecting on this has come in the form of music, as most of my reflecting does. The reason I felt urged to share about it in this blog post is because of a lyric from Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit’s masterpiece “Chaos and Clothes” that I’ve recently been drawn to. The lyric is “you say love is hell but it’s the ghost of love that’s made you such a mess.” I can confidently say that I don’t think love is hell (phew). But maybe sometimes it does feel foreign. Maybe it feels like it’s unavailable. Maybe it does feel like a ghost and that makes me feel like a mess. Thankfully, what I do know to be true is that’s not how the love of my Heavenly Father works. It is always available. It is unwavering. And If I’m a mess, I know that I’m His mess. Just working on believing in that everyday.
My song recommendation is none other than “Chaos and Clothes” by Jason Isbell.
And all 400 of his Units.
Love, Bailey