I have been pondering a question in my head over the past couple of months. One that not many people like to ask, completely stuff it away in a mental box somewhere, or even care to look into. What do you do when you hate yourself? This may seem a little extreme or even frightening to some of you, but I will tell all of you first and foremost that I am just self-reflecting and am in no way having any life threatening thoughts. Self-hatred isn’t immune to Christians it dwells in the darkest parts of our hearts the places not even a cardiac surgeon could see and I believe is something that needs some addressing.
In the fellows, you spend really your first few months dissecting yourself. Learning how you operate, what makes you tick, and what brings you joy. I have taken assessments, done counseling, met and worked with mentors and friends, and created a space to generally see myself from both the inside out and outside in. I came to the conclusion about halfway through the program that I hate myself. I never think thoughts of positivity or that I’m a good person. I am constantly trying to better myself, telling myself that I’m not good enough to accomplish anything and that I will be a failure. The last one is what gets me the most. Failure isn’t what others around me would describe me as or that if you asked people that have known me since I was young would even begin to characterize me as, yet, I tell myself this regularly. I tell myself one way or another that I am the worst person for thinking that thought, doing that thing, or saying that sentence. I am constantly looking for how I messed up this week and why I won’t ever get it right. I am fully convicted of shame when we pray, “Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you with thought, word and deed, by what we have done and what we have left undone.” Honestly, if someone were to come to me at that moment during our confession and just tell me, “Daylon, you are a… (Insert negative comment here).” I would most likely breakdown in a rage and utter sadness all at the same time. Rage and sadness directly pointed toward my own shortcomings and me. I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this feeling of self-hatred but it is a dark and lonely path that you can walk alone without anyone noticing.
I say all of these things in an abode of confidence that there are people that will read this and say I relate to that and will realize that they aren’t alone on this decrepit path. I also write this all out as a testament of a long obedience in the same direction. This self-hatred as I have defined it is a part of my walk with Christ. This is something that I am fighting it out with the Lord of lords in a hope that he will pull me out of the mire and onto the solid rock. That I will live in a place of sufficiency in Christ’s power and joy because of his work on the cross. But furthermore, it is something that I am still wrestling with God over. So what do you when you hate yourself? How do love yourself better in your own failures and shortcomings? If you have any thoughts feel free to send them my way (shawdaylon@ymail.com) because I am always willing to learn from the people around me.
Shalom,
Daylon Shaw
