Hi Father —
I’m in the middle of an awakening and I needed to tell you about it. I sat awake long past my designated adult bedtime wondering just exactly what you’re showing me. Between phone conversations full of weeping and intimate time with you full of joy – my heart dwells in the unknown of how to awaken to the avoidance within me. I’ve listened to you tell me that there’s so much that I miss when I close my eyes. Oh my small-sighted mind! I’m only thinking of the hurtful things I can protect myself from when I go to sleep or the comfort that comes from being wrapped up in the safety of my sheets. Yet I miss the light, the sunshine, the beauty, the reason behind the warmth, and most importantly the love you so willingly give even when I close my eyes.
Avoidance. That’s the other word resting in my mind. How is it that the girl who’s so quick to share is also so quick to run? Avoid long-term grief by grieving it all up front. Avoid long-term pain by believing you’re not worth long-term commitment. Avoid disrupting your body at all costs as if it’s a shell you’re stuck inside that you may NOT rattle lest you cease to exist. Avoid the touch of others because you’ve judged it not kind enough. Or maybe because you believe you’re unworthy of such intimate love. Avoid mistakes, avoid heartbreak, avoid being too much, avoid physical pain, avoid, avoid, avoid.
Yet, I got mad when she avoided her past trauma. And I get frustrated when he avoids sharing. I feel sadness when they avoid looking me in the eye because I know how deeply avoidance damages. It hurts to sleep through everything. It’s exhausting to squeeze my eyes shut. I want to wake up to the reality of who I am and the reality of who you are, but I’m afraid of what I might find. Where do we go from here? Can you help me?
Hi sweet girl –
Ooo I love you. And I’m SO fond of you. I hope you can feel how your questions and words and emotions gladden my heart.
And I am helping. I know you can’t see the whole picture, but I’m writing my truth on your heart. And yes - it feels more like a long and detailed tattoo rather than a sweet poem. Just remember, we created this design together. Jesus, the Spirit, and I labored over this design and chose it specifically for you to bear as a testament of your life with us. It just takes time. Like all your other tattoos, we have to go over each line a few times to make sure they’re permanent. Some areas are more sensitive than others which is why we take breaks - to breathe and remember why we’re doing this in the first place. But rest assured love, progress is being made. And it’s so beautiful. I can’t wait for it to be finished. I can’t wait for you to rejoice with me.
You’re so close honey. You’re wading through the thick muck toward me. I see it in the time you won’t share with anyone other than my Son because how SWEET are the secrets we tell you to keep of our love for you – like a lover singing to his betrothed of the joy she brings him in just existing. You bring us joy in existing. You bring us joy even when you come to us in grief. My girl.
I see you seeking me in the emotions you won’t share because they’re not meant for anyone to untangle but me. I see you seeking redemption in inviting me into the past trauma. Can you see that you’re letting Jesus into your past, during your present, to bring future hope? Listen to me. I’m awakening you to me, to who I really am, to trusting me. I love you Martha Anne. I always have. I always will. I’ve been there with you in all of it. Now’s the time to remember, to awaken to who I really am. I am the I am. I am yours. You are mine. You were bought with a price.
I’ll share a secret with y’all. Each time this past week before I’ve walked into space with the Lord, I’ve encountered Jesus. He’s stood before me and instructed me to put it all down – Martha Anne, I need you to drop your to-do list, your emotions, your desires. They’ll be here when you get back.
And then, before entering the holiest and most wonderful space I’ve ever walked into, Jesus takes his bloodied hands and wipes them all over my body.
As I walk through the door into the heavenly realm with God, I am physically covered in the shed blood of Christ. Truly hidden in Christ.
This is the blood of Christ, shed for you, my darling girl.
I wanted you to be able to be here with me, to really know me. This blood is for you.
We both weep – holding the grief over his death and the joy of his victory over death in one emotion.
I’m praying that during this advent season you can experience the truth of being covered in the blood of Christ. I’m praying you see the cross, the wine, and the blood as gifts you’ll never deserve. I’m praying that being covered in the blood of Christ would move you to live and love out of the freedom of the cross.
xoxo
Martha Anne