Its been almost four weeks since we started the program, and I’ve got to be honest, it has been some of most spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting weeks I’ve ever experienced. I can feel the painful pruning occurring and the enemy’s lies trying to tear me down as I type this.
I’m tired. Tired of feeling not worthy or enough. Tired of feeling like I don’t belong. Tired of feeling anxious and sad. Tired of feeling inadequate for the tasks at hand. Tired of not truly feeling fulfilled. Furthermore, I know that the Lord is the ONLY one who can quench that thirst within me. I know I am enough and worthy to Him. I know that God qualifies the called. And I know I belong to Him. However, I don’t feel that. Yet, I must continue to trust Him and His plan because He is GOOD.
I have seen the Lord provide and show up for me time and time again. He has called me back every time I get lost. He has placed some of the most incredibly wonderful people in my life. He has provided when I don’t think something is possible. And He has called me here to the Fellows.
These are lyrics from a song I have been listening to and singing at the top of my lungs, as I drive home from various activities that fill my time as a fellow yet I still leave feeling empty and anxious inside:
“Though the earth may try
To satisfy my heart
Though the earth may try
To tell me you're not faithful
Though the earth may try
To blind me from your goodness
You shine through
You're the only one who
Fills me up”
~Chris Renzema, You’re the Only One
I can’t say that my time as a fellow so far has been easy or painless. But, I know and trust that the Lord called me here very purposefully, just as I know He brought the other 10 fellows here so intentionally. They are all so wonderfully unique in their gifts, interests, and personalities, and I wonder how I got so lucky to know and love each of them so deeply.
As I continue to pursue and trust the Lord and what He has called me to, I pray that I start to truly FEEL what I know to be true— You are ENOUGH.
And now, I wait.
peace + love
ANNA
I was a studio art major and have been teaching myself graphic design recently. So, to stay engaged with my creative side and continue to pursue art throughout this year, I will be attempting to make a little baby digital painting to post along with each blog post.