Here we are. We made it to Thanksgiving, nearing the halfway point of fellows. I am finally feeling settled in a new place, with new routines, and new people. There’s a sense of rest that comes with settling in, yet I can’t help but feel restless in anticipation of the end. The end lacks structure, clarity, and a road map telling me where to go next and if I am honest the end feels overwhelming and all consuming.
The last month my prayers have been focused on asking God to make a way and to provide clarity for life after fellows. The response to those prayers has felt silent and empty, but if I have learned anything in fellows so far, it is to listen. That sometimes sitting and listening is far more important than having an answer or being quick to respond and I feel God doing just that for me. This all became tangible for me last Friday during our Spiritual Discipline class with Pauline. She lead us through Immanuel time – a prayer time of stillness, visualization, and listening. I struggled to stay focused and found myself having to reset many times. However, in the last few minutes, Pauline asked us to listen for a word or phrase that God had for us. I remember sitting there thinking “yeah sure God is just going to start speaking and I am going to hear a word in my head” – to say I was skeptical is an understatement. To my surprise I heard him loud and clear. “Trust me” just kept playing over and over in those few minutes, even when I tried to hear something different, His voice was deafening to my own.
“Trust me” seems so simple - almost a prerequisite to Christianity – that we trust the Lord with all our hearts and all our minds. I’m sure as many of us know, it is far easier said than done. I realized over the last month that even though I was praying for God to give me clarity, I was really selfishly praying for Him to give me back control. God does not call us to be idle as we wait for direction from Him, rather for and unyielding active pursuit of His kingdom. Something that made this so clear to me is a song by Needtobreathe called “Banks”. I first heard the song this past summer on a road trip out west. During that time the song didn’t hold the same meaning that it does now, but it always provided a feeling of security. It wasn’t until I really listened to the words that I heard God’s message for us all:
I wanna hold you close but never hold you back
Just like the banks to the river
And if you ever feel like you are not enough
I'm gonna break all your mirrors
I wanna be there when the darkness closes in
To make the truth a little clearer
I wanna hold you close but never hold you back
I'll be the banks for your river
When I hear this song, I hear God’s promise. He is my protector and my guide, He will steer my waters while giving me the freedom to flow. There may be dams and rocks impeding my way, but He is always there to secure me just like the banks to a river. I find great peace in the lyrics of this song, the imagery makes God’s promise feel tangible and all there is left to do is answer His simple yet humbling call, “Trust Me”.
Sara