First, happy (belated) 20th anniversary of Switchfoot’s great album, Learning to Breathe.
Second, my goal for this is to make all of my titles correspond with a movie title.
Third, I can’t sleep well. I haven’t been able to off and on for years, but it’s gotten worse since I made the move to Raleigh. I wrote some thoughts on this the other day, and I really think processing (a word I’ve heard more in the past three weeks than ever before in my life) through it a bit has helped slightly. So here are my thoughts:
What keeps me up at night? Is it anxiety about unknown things, or worry about what may come tomorrow? Is it that feeling that I don’t belong, that I’m an imposter, a fraud? Could it be that embarrassing thing I’m remembering from years ago or that stupid comment I made today that no one gave a second thought? Some nights it’s nothing. I lie awake staring at the ceiling with my mind totally blank. These evenings are the most troubling. I often say aloud, “Lord, please just let me sleep!” But the clock ticks on. I have tried to pray to pass the time, but presently I seem unable to pray much without my mind racing and getting distracted. I find the only thing that comforts me is the old prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I say it for hours until sleep comes at last. I am now suddenly aware of my brokenness and reminded of Jesus’ words, “Come to me, all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” What must it take for my stubborn heart to believe this? How many times will I try and fail to find rest through means of my own?
How easily they talk about prayer, those who have never really prayed. - Reverend Ernst Toller, First Reformed (2018) (dir. Paul Schrader)
Cheers,
Cam