For as long as I can remember, October has been my favorite month. There’s something about the leaves changing colors, the air becoming a bit more crisp, playoff baseball, basketball beginning, and playing fantasy football that is so fun to me. But with the weather getting warmer (it was 62 today, December 1st) and the leaves changing a bit later, November may have captured my heart.
Beyond the seasonal changes, November as a Raleigh Fellow was incredible. We went on a retreat, celebrated Ashley and Kassie’s birthdays, went on a “hike” at the landfill, had a Shabbat dinner with our Old Testament professor, played a lot of Just Dance, spent some sweet time with our families and loved ones over Thanksgiving, and grew deeper with each other. But what I want to really kick start this blog off with is our retreat. On November 5th, we got the privilege of attending our annual Micah 6:8 retreat.
“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Micah 6:8 NIV
On this retreat, we talked about what biblical justice looked like, why justice and mercy cannot be separated, and how to practically live this out as we go back to our respective cities. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was a visual of paths from A to B of both what we think our lives should look like and what they usually are. I’ve always been under the impression that my life should be completely planned out from now until the day I retire (a straight line from A to B). It’s in my ISTJ nature that I desire a plan and I must stick to that plan. My high school friends and I (shout-out the brigs) actually took pride in being spontaneous and it’s an ongoing joke to this day that if you wanted respect from your friends, you would join them in doing something spontaneous. I’ve come to the realization that I have a very low tolerance for spontaneity in my life. While this allows me to be a great planner, organizer, and leader, it has shown me how much I desire control over my life and my circumstances.
I titled this post “Comfort, Finally” because after hearing from John Richmond that a lot of times our lives look like roller coasters from A to B, I felt a sense of peace that I was held, cared for, and protected by the Lord despite what happens in the future. For the first time in what seems like forever, my nerves about my future career, relationship status, and friendships have disappeared. The Lord has been so kind and gracious to me in this process and I feel a release of pressure to perform that has been building up for a long time. While my answer to the question, “so what are you gonna do after the 9 months is up?” hasn’t changed, the tone in my answer has. Instead of a “I don’t know, I guess we will see” that is associated with fear and sadness, it’s changed to a “I don’t know! But I can’t wait to see where the Lord brings me.” that is full of excitement.
John Richmond isn’t the only one who deserves the credit to my feeling of being comforted by the Lord with where I am. I can’t speak highly enough of the rest of the Raleigh Fellows, Ashley, and the committee, host families, mentors, and teachers that want nothing more than to see you grow deeper with Christ. The Fellows have shown me that spontaneity can be such a good and sweet thing, despite the uncomfort it brings me. Like Jesus telling the disciples, “Actually, we’re going to go through Samaria this time.” Ashley has been such a rock to lean on when you feel weary. She is welcoming of doubts, suspicions, and all kinds of fears. She is wise and seems to know exactly what to say. Church members have reached out to get to know us. My host family, the Boulton’s, ask me intentional questions because they desire to know me fully! My mentor, Brian Mann, takes time in his day to provide advice, care, love, and wisdom despite his busy schedule. My professors ask us if we have prayer requests and want to get to know us deeper outside of a lecture. All of these things have brought me to a place where I can say, “Finally, Lord, I have the strength and confidence to approach your throne of grace knowing I am held. Finally, Lord, I have come to your presence to seek your comfort. I’ve let go of my desire to control and I realize I don’t have the capacity to take charge. Here’s my future, Lord. Here I am. Here is my life. Do with it as you please, just give me you.”
Jacob McCarthy