I had a plan to put some more critical thoughts out into the world for this blog, but feel now I should share something more personal in the interest of vulnerability (don’t fret, I’ll link the original idea at the end if that interests you more). Here’s what I wrote in our spiritual formation class just last Monday.
“I’ve always been my harshest critic. I’m so hard on myself. Half the time I’m not sure what I bring to a group or individual relationship. Why does anyone choose to hang out with me? Truthfully they don’t. I often feel like I have to ask. Rarely am I the one being pursued for a deeper relationship. I’m not the one that girls secretly have a crush on that and spend more time with because of it. That’s never been here. And I’m not just talking about here in Raleigh. Even in Clemson very few of my Christian friends pursued me. I always had to be the initiator and would be crushed if someone declined. With the constant fear of rejection and folks not liking me, putting myself out there was constantly a struggle. I would stare at my phone for half an hour building up the courage to send a text to see if anyone wanted to grab dinner. How foolish was I being?! Who gives a sh*t what those people think of me? Either they want to spend time with me or they don’t, and I can’t quite change that. At a certain point, I have to stop caring and take those relationships into my own hands. I must accept who I am in Christ and take the initiative to reach out to others. The more I choose Christ daily, the more I want to choose others rather than waiting to be chosen. As I spend less time with God, I become selfish, jealous, self-deprecating, and isolating. Spending time with God reminds me of the great joy that comes from the company of another, and pushes me to want that with others. I pray that God continues to tell me daily who I am in Him so that those truths overshadow my false ideas and projections of myself that so often bring me down. I pray that those around me continue pushing me towards the Lord and that I may see them as He does, and not projections of them that my selfish mind makes up to torment me. I know these people love me and care about me, and I just have to trust that like I trust that Jesus loves and cares about me.”
Trust me, this was not a sad thing to write. I felt so much freedom and joy reflecting on my past, false self and seeing how God is continuing to mold me into my true self. Part of this writing inspiration comes from taking on writing at least one train of thought, no matter the size or sophistication, down in my journal each day (similar to what Reverend Toller does in the movie I refer to so often, First Reformed) for Lent. I am reminded of his words midway through that film, “I’ve removed the previous pages. They were written in a delirium. But I am determined to continue. It’s hard to struggle against torpor. I must set pen to paper.” While I haven’t torn things out of my journal, it has been good for me to write out my thoughts and feeling and go back to them and see if they were “written in a delirium” or if I should take them seriously and ponder them more.
Well, that’s enough from me. God is good, life is good, etc., etc. Feel free to read my other thoughts from this month if you feel so inclined.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1I2hZDem7WKi7uIawQjhxME3zA0jbSGx1/view?usp=sharing
Cheers!
Cam
P.S. The reason I picked Taxi Driver for this month’s post is because Travis Bickle felt lonely and so did I, but there are more positive ways to deal with that feeling!