Spring feels like a sprint that I don’t remember signing up for. The past two months have truly flown by and May is fast approaching. I’m carrying both a sense of excitement and anxiety with fellows ending in a month, but I’m trying not to spend too much time in either mindset and rest in knowing the Lord’s timing in all of the things is good (easier said than done). In all of it, there’s an immense comfort in knowing that these people aren’t going anywhere - THANK GOD.
This month carried a lot for me: solitude at our silent retreat, a few solid weekend trips (beach + mountains babyyyy), getting to hear our reviews, leading a roundtable, and lots of little moments. It’s really always the little things… laughing at things I’m probably not supposed to in class, soaking up the first few warm days of spring, singing Heat Waves 100,000 times in the car. Those are the moments that get me.
Today in our class with Mary, she asked us what questions we are living right now. I laughed a little at first, thinking ‘what questions am I not asking right now?’ Almost everything seems unknown right now. But I spent some time filling a page of my journal full of questions - here’s a few:
What will change in community/friendships once fellows ends?
Where should I go to church?
Will/when will I find a job and will it be fulfilling in some way?
What do I want to do and (more importantly) who do I want to be long-term?
How do I navigate long distance friendships well?
What are things that I need to give up that aren’t part of what the Lord has for me right now?
I don’t have answers to those questions but it was a cool practice for me to put them on paper and get them off my chest and into the hands of God. I won’t know until I know, but there’s a sliver of peace I feel right now knowing that I’m not walking alone.
As I try to answer those questions, I’ve been thinking a lot about discernment and how to make decisions well. I want to be in tune with God as I navigate the unknown, and get a sense for what he wants me to do and not just what makes sense logically. There’s a hymn we used to sing in the church I grew up in that goes like this:
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me
Fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me
That’s really my prayer right now, that I’d be aware and in tune with the holy spirit that’s living in me and moving in me. I’m trying to breathe deeply and take it all in and turn back to look at everything around me while I’m thinking ahead to what’s next.
- morgan