The past few months have been SO busy, but so much fun! Among the many fun things we’ve done, I want to focus on my reflections from our Silent retreat at St. Francis Prayer Center. The Fellows were encouraged to unplug from their phones and embrace solitude. Before our day of silence and solitude began, Mary Young led us in a devotional from a Lenten devotional book by Beth Richardson. The morning devotional was called Delight in the Lord (In The Wilderness).
Two specific aspects of the devotional stuck out to me. The first of which is about the barrier between independence and dependence on the Lord. This chasm occurs when we try to wrap our head around every detail about everything. So, when things don’t make sense, we tend to go to what we know, the familiar. Israel did this in the wilderness when they felt confused, uncertain, and discomfort on their journey to the promised land. They longed for Egypt, making themselves think of it as paradise compared to what they were experiencing. As suggested by Richardson, deepening dependence on Christ is accomplished by uncertainty, whereas needing to understand everything is frequently a sign that we want and desire independence.
The second part of the devotional was about delighting in the Lord. Richardson suggests that delighting in Christ opens our eyes to recognize the Father’s love amid the wilderness. Alternatively, when we become hyper-focused in our thoughts and understandings, we may see the wilderness as a harsh punishment or that we’ve been abandoned by God. We tend to make sense of what is going on around us instead of fixing our gaze on Christ.
Richardson urges readers to pay attention, become aware of uncertainty, and turn our gaze to the Father:
“But when one[a] turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. 17 Now the Lord[b] is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord,[c] are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.[d] For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit”. (2 Corinthians 3:16-18).
Given the backdrop of Richardson’s devotional, I’ve taken this verse to mean that transformation happens as we behold God, and not necessarily when I attempt to fully understand Him or circumstances. As things are stripped away and we experience loss, His peace and love can become increasingly real, more integrated into our hearts and lives. God, in His delight and love for His children, will lead us into spaces where our hearts can be shaped in ways like His. Thus, it’s not only our heart that are revealed in the desert, but Christs’ as well. We see this when we are looking or beholding Him.
Both points have been helpful during the final months of Fellows when there’s been an increasing amount of angst and uncertainty about post-Fellow’s plans. It’s been two-fold: It has challenged me to readjust my gaze on Christ when there is uncertainty around me and instead, take time alone to receive His gaze with an unveiled face. The next step has looked like delighting in His created and creation. This typically occurs when I look at my fellow Fellows, children at my internship, members of COTA, and beautiful Spring flowers. I try to view each person and with the lens of the Father. In essence, allowing my unveiled gaze on the Father during alone time and throughout the day has become a way to remind myself to gauge how I view and see the world around me. I’m no where near perfect at this, but i’ve seen little improvement. This practice has taught me to take delight in what He would take delight in, rather than trying to look back at Egypt longing for something that can’t possibly bring the comfort, safety, and longing found in Christ.
Here are some moments that have reminded me to readjust my gaze on Christ and His beloved.
St. Francis Prayer Center!
… mr. camera dude caught me during the last few moments of having two ACL’s… BUTT, the 10k race was so much fun! I found so much delight training and running with the Raleigh Fellows running group.
Walking around DC at the Fellows National Conference was a breath of fresh air. The warm air, flowers, monuments, and other Fellows groups all reminded me of the Father’s deeply personal role in His created and creation.
Tears of joy at Natty conference. PTL for silliness and blue napkins
Not only did FAST_STRONG_GIRL SLAYYYING the half bring me so much joy, but also cheering all the runners on with a few of the other Fellows.
Last Spiritual formation class with Mary. Her classes was always a space where I could take time to slow down and behold Christ.
Kris