i'm sandra bullock and the world outside my blindfold is ADULT LIFE

Tonight Ashley said “You have two and a half months left” and I said “I’m sorry what.” These months have FLOWN. Like tomorrow is March 1st? I literally did not know how many days were in February this year. How is it March already? I mean granted it’s BIRTHDAY MONTH so I’m not complaining but HOW did we get here (also side note it’s birthday month for me AND Laura so if you want to take part in our party planning committee HMU-- so far we have a pinata and biodegradable glitter).

I was having a conversation about my future the other day. Which tends to happen these days because we’re getting closer to adult life and regardless of how much I am totally with my entire being trying to deny that, there is some part in me that is making me internally subconsciously think about my future. But in that conversation I was not only talking about future plans for jobs and workplace and where the Lord is calling me, but also I was trying to reflect on what my year in the Fellows is going to mean to me this time next year. Because now is the time for me to start taking this experience seriously. And I’ve taken it seriously from day one but I think now is where it can really come to fruition in thinking about how I am applying it to my future life outside of Fellows.

The things we do inside of Fellows make so much sense- retreats, reflection, testimony sharing, weekly host family dinners, weekly roundtable discussions, only working 3 days a week, always having a 4 day weekend, going to class Mondays and Fridays, and having ample access to resources for jobs, mentors, community, and spiritual growth. All of this is normal right now. This is our schedule and this is our routine. But what is all of that going to mean when I get out of Fellows? When and if I sit down with a current fellow next year and she/he starts asking me how I’ve applied Fellows to my ordinary life, what am I going to say? I don’t know the answers to these questions now, but I’m thinking that starting to think about that now is going to affect my answer then. Because thinking about how to make this time intentional and worth something is going to make it intentional and worth something then.

So here are my ideas: start thinking about the future in terms of what I want to do with my job and what my career goals are, but also be extremely present in every moment I have left in Fellows. Be intentional about meeting with people and talking through logistics of staying in a job, leaving a job, how to apply for jobs, what people look for on a resume, how to know where the Lord is calling you, being open to listening to how the Lord wants to use my nursing degree. But in every conversation with a fellow Fellow, listen, laugh, enjoy, press in, learn more about them, go to McDonald’s at 11pm, eat another Cook Out milkshake, gain another 10 lbs because the food is all free and who cares if you ate a happy meal the last 3 nights. These are the moments that are going to mean something next year. The Lord loves your presence and He loves your supplications. Enjoy where He has you now and be excited about where He is taking you. That’s a letter from me to me. Thanks for entering into that moment with me.

x’s & o’s ~ Amy

sometimes logs are hard to chop and sometimes you smash your already ingrown fingernail in between two logs and it starts bleeding and it’s 30 degrees outside so your fingers are already numb so it just adds to the hurt but i think that’s life. we’re all carpenters and wood choppers in a world full of difficult logs. and at the end of the day all the chopped wood is going to sit neatly stacked on a wall and you’re going to rest and do it all again tomorrow.

Genograms and Sacred Relationships

Our genogram paper is due Monday, and even though I’m stressed about it because I haven’t yet broken my proclivity for procrastination (whoops), I think it’s one of the coolest things that I’ve had to do as a Raleigh Fellow. It’s essentially a paper in which I’ll try to trace patterns in my family through generations and see how I fit into those patterns. I’ve had to interview my grandfather, parents, and siblings, asking them questions covering topics such as how their families of origin handled conflict and what sort of unsaid rules or expectations governed them. While I was extremely nervous to do these interviews, they led to some of the coolest conversations I’ve ever had with my family, particularly with my brother and sister. This assignment has opened the door to my having deeper relationships with my family members than I had thought possible.

Something else that has been on my mind recently is the sacredness of fellows relationships. There is something so beautiful about this community that I did not choose but that was chosen for me, this community that I share life-rhythms with. Although we all work different jobs, we work the same three days a week. Although we all have different host families, we all live with a family who loves Jesus and Church of the Apostles. Although we all didn’t specifically choose each other, we chose to be a part of a community that chooses to love one another, whether that loving is hard or easy.

I don’t know how to express why I think that this fellows community is so sacred. But, as I’m reflecting more, I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that this community is like the community that Jesus gathered around Him when He walked on this earth. He called the disciples; they didn’t choose each other. Some probably got along more naturally. Some definitely had more similar backgrounds and upbringings (looking at you brother-pairs: Simon Peter and Andrew, James and John). We know that they definitely argued and competed against one another (Luke 9:46). And yet, Jesus gathered them all together and called them to love one another, as He loved them.

Raleigh Fellows is a microcosm of His church. We’re called to love Him, to love one another, and to love the world. I do believe that our community is sacred space. What will it look like for me to remove my shoes, as Moses did in front of the burning bush because of the holiness of the ground (Exodus 3:5), for these last two and a half months of Fellows? What does it look like to honor the gifts that Fellows has given me, which includes the gift of this genogram assignment? I trust that the Lord delights in these questions and I know that He’s going to continue to meet me in ways that exceed my every expectation.

Much love,

Sarah

Look Back

Reflection. Processing. Leaning in. These are three phrases you’ll hear thrown around a lot if you sit in on a Raleigh Fellows class or Roundtable on any given week. It’s beautiful the opportunities we are given in this program to not back away from topics or ideas, but instead we are constantly invited into space to challenge, dive in and dig deeper. This past month especially, we’ve been given a lot of practical means for reflection. A little gem of the fellows is that once a month we get to go to Mary Young’s house for our Spiritual Formation class. Although we may call it a class, it really is a retreat, as Mary often refers to it. We are given guidance and time to press into scripture, thoughts of our peers, and thoughts of our own. This has become one of my favorite parts of the fellows as I crave the alone time we have during the class and the practices Mary gives us to guide our spiritual walks. This month, we were given the practice of Examen prayer. Examen prayer is when we set ourselves before God and literally examine how we have felt and experienced life in the past day, week or month. You pick a time frame and look back at it. There are steps of gratitude, petition, review, forgiveness, and renewal during the practice. You thank God for His many blessings, ask Him for help, become aware of the ways you moved with God during the day and the ways you moved with insecurity and fear. You then recognize that you are forgiven and then invite God to show up. During the review section of the practice, Mary gave us an idea to write down adjectives that we remembered feeling during the week, day or month that we were examining. Then, we were to recognize if these feelings were a consolation or a desolation. It is extremely helpful to go through the days, weeks and months of your life doing a practice such as this. It helps us to remember the places that are bringing us life, showing us God and renewing our spirits. It also reminds us that God wants to be with us in the desolating parts of our lives—where we feel alone or let down. He wants to fill those voids. He wants us to consciously recognize when we feel those ways instead of passively forgetting about them.

It is so easy to go through life passively. Sometimes ignoring things that are difficult and breezing by them is more comfortable. I think I am learning a lot this year that God doesn’t want us to be passive in our walk with Him. He is a God who isn’t afraid to walk through the deserts and the valleys of life. He is not a passive God, but an active one. I am thankful that the Raleigh Fellows has given me space to lean more into this life He invites me to live—here’s to 2.5 more months! Time, slow down.

“Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, understanding, and my entire will. All I have and call me own. Whatever I have or hold, you have given me. I return it all to you and surrender it wholly to be governed by your will. Give my only your love and you grave and I am rich enough and ask for nothing else.” - St. Ignatius of Loyola

xoxo Lauren

Random thought of the day.

I’m a dreamer.  I love coming up with ideas that are usually ridiculous.  When I was little I wanted to be a famous musician. Then when I got to college I realized that I mainly wanted to help people.  From that dream, I fell into aspirations of money, fame, and owning a lot of land. I have ideas all the time of what I want to accomplish or gain.  I still have some of these dreams but lately they have led me to a different thought. What if I accomplished them? What would that be like? What would be the fulfillment brought on by having a lot of money?  Where does Jesus fit in to this? I mean being debt free would be nice. (talking to you student loans) I do not think money is the true answer to fulfillment though. I was happy in college when I lived in a house that should have been condemned with four other guys and two dogs.  

It is fun to dream.  It takes us away from reality.  It takes us away from how boring life is sometimes to be honest.  But what does God say about our aspirations? I think he loves them. And he wants us to really shoot for the stars. (Mark 11:23)  But mainly he wants to be the center of them. When I used to hear that I would kind of sigh and think, “but I want to have a fun life.”  

This is something a lot of people can become confused on.  We hear that God wants to be involved in every part of our life and think of him as a helicopter parent.  But I do not think that is who God is. I think he just wants us to trust our dreams to him so he can use them. (Proverbs 3:6)  

Jesus wants in on our dreams.  He is active and transformational in our dreams and aspirations.  We will find ourselves doing things that we didn't know we would ever do because of him.  We will find fulfillment in leading a bible study of middle school boys (something only those who have the blessing of patience should endure) or even donate thousands of dollars to a ministry we will never see the fruit of ourselves.  (Side note I am still fundraising for fellows.) (Romans 12:2) These acts and desires are crazy and without Jesus in the center of them, they will leave you empty. God is an all in kind of God that moves in and takes over. There is no halfway.

So I'm living with the hope that one of these dreams will stick.  Laying them at the feet of Jesus, and watching him mess my life up, as only he truly can.     

the big picture

As someone who is incredibly detail-oriented, I tend to get caught up in those details. I love that the Lord has given me the ability to notice small things and pay attention to them, but sometimes those same things also just get in the way! And in the past couple of months, I think I have often lost sight of the bigger picture in light of the smaller things that I get caught up in. While it’s wonderful to talk about ‘hot topics’ per say, questions of faith, and to dive deeply into past and present struggles, I often find that I just need to let go of all of that stuff and take hold of Jesus. Because at the end of the day, it’s not my enneagram number, or my past and present sin, or my belief on whatever Biblical debate there is that matters. What matters is that Jesus knows me, loves me more deeply and intimately than literally anyone else on this entire planet, and He acted upon that love by choosing to die for me so that I may live.

THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.

Not money, or power, or my vocation, or being admired, accepted and loved by others; it is all utterly meaningless. And on the other hand, while listening to the Lord and following His ‘calling’ is important and good, there is way too much of me that gets caught up in trying to figure out exactly what the Lord is up to, rather than letting Him just do His thing. He knows that I don’t know what’s going on, and He’s allowing that for a reason, and the reason is probably that my teeny tiny human brain probably wouldn’t get it anyways.

Basically, it’s about dang time I started letting go of all of the little things that get me so tied up, so that my hands might actually be empty to receive from the Father! I mean, how can I possibly receive anything when my hands are clenched tightly around so many other things?

I don’t think that it’s fair to just tell someone “God is good” when they’re hurting and expect all of their problems to magically go away, and honestly I think Christians can sometimes be really unpleasant to deal with throughout hard times because they expect that response to somehow be a magic fix. But, even though it’s not by any means some magic cure, it is still true. And while truth doesn’t take away pain, it does bring comfort, and the truth is that the Lord is good, and that He LOVES you and me and cares for us, and He is WITH us, God, Emmanuel. And that, if nothing else, is something to celebrate.

I want to celebrate that more, and get bogged down less. I want to celebrate the difficulties along with the easy parts, and to walk through them joyfully and with contentment because I know I have the Holy Spirit always with me and for me. Our Father is truly good and faithful, and today, I’m going to CELEBRATE!!!

-Rachel

The Oscars

While the months dwindle down for the Raleigh Fellows to come to a close, the nostalgia is starting to trickle its way in.

Last Thursday at Round Table we went around the table and said the things we have been grateful for so we wouldn’t pass them by in this season of looking forward to what is next. Here is a low quality video that gives a sneak peak into the last two months and the start of 2019 with some classic iMovie theme music that replays over and over to match. This video captures the small and big moments that have made my heart sing and my belly fill with laughter. Don’t be deterred by the pixelated images or the ones that simply got cut off, we all have humble beginnings.

Including but not limited to: Deltaville home of the sunsets, music videos, attempted athleticism, Monopoly Deal, house hunting, teeth chipping at the YMCA, UNC visits, brunch bunches, clean eating (Taco Bell and McDonald regulars), park sitting, coffee shop going, sickness spreading, Statesville hometown dates, Rachel doing the worm, Windy Gap axe-throwing photo-shoots, writing love letters to ourselves and always always dancing whether it seems appropriate or not.

All the love,

Em

P.S. If you’re looking to hire a videographer suscribe

What should I do for the rest of my life?

“Our work is essential to our being as humans.” - probably someone

Work comparisons are easy to make.  Everyone has eyes so it is easy to see what is on the outside of other people's lives.  I am also at the age where professional/college athletes are younger than me which is a wild phase of life.  A good chunk of the people I follow on social media moved away and got big fancy jobs after they graduated. And I am happy for them, but it is easy to fall into the trap of looking at their life and saying, “they are doing it better than me.”  I know that this is not true and that the Lord has a different plan for everyone, but it is still easy to think. The truth is comparisons of our work are always easy to make and do real damage to the soul, stealing joy and replacing it with regret.   

The cool thing about these past five months is that I have been able put life on hold and learn about what the Lord says is true about us.  I have been able to dive deep with others my age about what God, says about work, dreams, goals, and using them for his purpose. The fellows and I got to go on a retreat at the beginning of January where we spent a week learning about what gifts God has blessed us with and how they can be used in the marketplace.  

The retreat in Deltaville, VA, was full of down time and reflection.  I think this was the point but I am someone who has a hard time sitting still and staying in one place for too long.  Nevertheless this week long experience ended up being one of my favorite experiences in life to this point, not just in Fellows.  I mean the setting could not have been more beautiful. We were in a remodeled cabin located right on the river. Coffee was consumed like oxygen, and laughter was found around every meal.  The sun was always rising, setting, or doing something else remarkable that the Lord designed. And here we were ready to find out what it was we were made to do in this life.

The man of the week was Bill Fullilove (yes that is his real name) and he was one of the most kind, patient, human beings I have encountered to this date.  He is currently a pastor and career coach but had also experience working in finance. He sat with us in group seminars and one-on-one meetings that could last hours.  He gave his time and wisdom to each of us that week. Some people cried and some people laughed when they looked over the results of the 3 different assessments we completed upon arrival.  The assessments were in depth; some were spiritual, and some were secular. But Bill used them to tell us what great gifts God has blessed us with. Bill also told us about work and how it is part of God’s plan, and if we are blessed enough, can be fulfilling.  Never once, did he tell us what we should do. He simply told us what we are motivated by and what could potentially bring us fulfillment. I am thankful that the Lord made me as I am and I am thankful for this retreat. I walked away with ideas of what I could do for work, but the good news is that our jobs do not define who we are.  They are just how we serve God through work, and that is a true blessing from him.

Proverbs 16:3

“Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”

“Blessed be the mind that dreamed the day

the blueprint of your life

would begin to glow on earth,

illuminating all the faces and voices

that would arrive to invite

your soul to growth.

Praised be your father and mother,

who loved you before you were,

and trusted to call you here

with no idea who you would be.

Blessed be those who have loved you

into becoming who you were meant to be,

blessed be those who have crossed your life

with dark gifts of hurt and loss

that have helped to school your mind

in the art of disappointment.

When desolation surrounded you,

blessed be those who looked for you

and found you, their kind hands

urgent to open a blue window

in the gray wall formed around you.

Blessed be the gifts you never notice,

your health, eyes to behold the world,

thoughts to countenance the unknown,

memory to harvest vanished days,

your heart to feel the world’s waves,

your breath to breathe the nourishment

of distance made intimate by earth.

On this echoing-day of your birth,

may you open the gift of solitude

in order to receive your soul;

enter the generosity of silence

to hear your hidden heart;

know the serenity of stillness

to be enfolded anew

by the miracle of your being.”

• John O’Donohue

• Alex

new year same me

The past couple of months, I’ve realized that my life has been heavily defined by waiting. Waiting for PA school responses, waiting for comfortability in Fellows, waiting to know what my next moves can be after Fellows ends. There have been a lot of things in my life that have been uncertain, which I absolutely hate. I thrive in the certainty of a plan and following through with that plan, and when I can’t do that, I feel insecure and out of control.

But, there is so much value in waiting, and in being out of control. Because when I have no idea what a plan could even be, I can’t have faith in it alone, which strips me of my pride and brings me humbly to Jesus. And when that happens, I’m forced to recognize the many ways in which I prefer to rely on myself instead of the Lord, which works to re-center my heart and focus on what the Lord has for me rather than what I think I have for me.

So, as my mentor told me, this season is all about “expectantly waiting”. As we expectantly wait for Jesus’ return and as the Jewish people expectantly waited for Jesus’ birth, I can expectantly wait for the unknown because I have faith in God’s plan and purpose for my life. Not that I always trust as I should, and not that I don’t struggle with the unknown, but at the end of the day there is hope in Jesus, and that allows me to be able to expectantly wait in the unknowns of whatever life contains.

-Rach

Raleigh the Sequel: Ch. 3

So I am not great about doing these blog posts on time. I forgot to do mine for December, but on the bright side I am consistently getting them in every two months! There has been a ton that has happened during the past two months. It would take me way too long to describe it all for you here, so if you want the full run down then call me at (703)-232-7441.

I want to share with you a reflection that I wrote the other night for our spiritual formation class. This paper was due on December 10, 2018 and I finally turned it in this morning, a full 49 days late. It gives a quick description of what has been going on the past couple weeks, but more importantly it shares what I am learning about silence, solitude, and prayer. Three necessary practices that have not played an important enough role in my life. I edited the intro a little for this blog post because the actual paper started with an apology for turning it in so late. If it doesn’t flow well, I’m sorry. Writing is not my strong suit.

My Song of the Year

You may or may not have heard that the fellows began this month spending a week in the hoppin’ city of Deltaville, Virginia. If you didn’t get that sarcasm, Deltaville is in fact not that hoppin’. This made it the perfect, peaceful place to spend our mid-year vocation and calling retreat. We were cozied up in the most beautiful, serene home along the river (see pictures below) with fire was consistently burning and love and wisdom continually flowing. Wisdom shared through conversations with each other on long debrief walks about who we are and what we want to do with our lives, but mostly from Bill Fullilove who graciously led the retreat. Bill led us in group sessions and one-on-one meetings where we discussed our desires, gifts and opportunities. We spent time defining and analyzing the 3 tests we took prior to the retreat: The Highlands Ability Battery, EQ (emotional intelligence), and MCORE (testing your core motivations). This retreat was extremely insightful and helpful to me (and I think all of us fellows), so I decided to list some top things I learned during our time:

1. We often worry about our calling in terms of what we will do for work in the future. In reality, calling is a much bigger term for life. Our work/vocation is a small spec of our calling. Our ultimate life calling is our call to Christ—we all have the same calling in this sense! There is such freedom found in this call. (Shoutout to my summer camp boss who really taught me this way back when).

2. Our call to Jesus is our primary call. Issues regarding family, community, church, vocation, etc. can be seen as a ‘secondary call.’

3. Where your desires, gifts and opportunities overlap is your individual vocational calling. Think each of these through! What are my God-given gifts? What desires do I have? What opportunities are there? It’s important to answer all of these questions with God at the forefront.

4. I’m an ambivert!

5. It’s hard to be assertive and I am not naturally good at it (thnx EQ). But being assertive doesn’t mean being a jerk. It’s important to find people who exemplify assertiveness in a way that honors God so I can learn how to be assertive. 

   • I’m realizing this is true for not only assertiveness, but all characteristics of life. We need to follow Jesus’ example in all characteristics we want to embody. We need to learn from friends, adults, mentors, etc. who live out differing characteristics in a way that reflects God.

6. God has made you in His image. He didn’t mess up when He made you. Embrace that beauty! With this beauty, comes the responsibly to hold what you’ve been given well and offer it back to God. I need to constantly making sure I am using my gifts, abilities and core motivations for His glory and not my own gain.

7. Read all of Psalm 139 for some peace.

That’s all for now. Special thanks to Bill Fullilove and all the people who have listened, and continue to listen, as I verbally process all that I am learning. I am thankful for the many treasured people who walk with me (literally and metaphorically) as God is showing me more of who I am in Him.

P.S. When thinking about this fellows year and the unknowns that will be coming after it, I often look back at my claimed song of the year. It’s called “New Start” by Weary Friend. The songs puts music and lyrics to the deep emotions of my heart strings. A lot of times I find music articulates the feelings and thoughts that I can’t put to words. This song does that. It has been a comfort to me since first hearing it in October. Everyone should listen—you can find it on Spotify!

Here are some of the lyrics:

”And I can’t see Him, but I’ll read His voice.

And He’s guiding me through all the noise.

When I can’t trace His hand, I’ll trust His heart,

Even in this new start.

And I used to think that when I was growing up I’d had my life figured out.

I’d know exactly who I was, I’d be set in my ways, not needing to change.

But now that I’m here I feel more like a child,

still learning my lessons and needing direction.

Still needing direction.”

Thank you Lord that You are the one who gives direction when I need it most.

Xoxo Lauren

What do you do when...?

I have been pondering a question in my head over the past couple of months. One that not many people like to ask, completely stuff it away in a mental box somewhere, or even care to look into. What do you do when you hate yourself? This may seem a little extreme or even frightening to some of you, but I will tell all of you first and foremost that I am just self-reflecting and am in no way having any life threatening thoughts. Self-hatred isn’t immune to Christians it dwells in the darkest parts of our hearts the places not even a cardiac surgeon could see and I believe is something that needs some addressing.

In the fellows, you spend really your first few months dissecting yourself. Learning how you operate, what makes you tick, and what brings you joy. I have taken assessments, done counseling, met and worked with mentors and friends, and created a space to generally see myself from both the inside out and outside in. I came to the conclusion about halfway through the program that I hate myself. I never think thoughts of positivity or that I’m a good person. I am constantly trying to better myself, telling myself that I’m not good enough to accomplish anything and that I will be a failure. The last one is what gets me the most. Failure isn’t what others around me would describe me as or that if you asked people that have known me since I was young would even begin to characterize me as, yet, I tell myself this regularly. I tell myself one way or another that I am the worst person for thinking that thought, doing that thing, or saying that sentence. I am constantly looking for how I messed up this week and why I won’t ever get it right. I am fully convicted of shame when we pray, “Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you with thought, word and deed, by what we have done and what we have left undone.” Honestly, if someone were to come to me at that moment during our confession and just tell me, “Daylon, you are a… (Insert negative comment here).” I would most likely breakdown in a rage and utter sadness all at the same time. Rage and sadness directly pointed toward my own shortcomings and me. I’m not sure if any of you have experienced this feeling of self-hatred but it is a dark and lonely path that you can walk alone without anyone noticing.

I say all of these things in an abode of confidence that there are people that will read this and say I relate to that and will realize that they aren’t alone on this decrepit path. I also write this all out as a testament of a long obedience in the same direction. This self-hatred as I have defined it is a part of my walk with Christ. This is something that I am fighting it out with the Lord of lords in a hope that he will pull me out of the mire and onto the solid rock. That I will live in a place of sufficiency in Christ’s power and joy because of his work on the cross. But furthermore, it is something that I am still wrestling with God over. So what do you when you hate yourself? How do love yourself better in your own failures and shortcomings? If you have any thoughts feel free to send them my way (shawdaylon@ymail.com) because I am always willing to learn from the people around me.

Shalom,

Daylon Shaw

Does it Spark Joy?

A Story of Talking to my Clothes

This week, I Marie Kondo’d my closet. For those who have yet to be exposed to this new Netflix show: “Tidying Up” – the KoniMarie method includes something called a “once-in-a-lifetime tidying marathon,” which means piling five categories of material possessions — clothing, books, papers, miscellaneous items and sentimental items, including photos, in that order — one at a time, surveying how much of each you have, seeing that it’s way too much and then holding each item to see if it sparks joy in your body. The ones that spark joy get to stay. The ones that don’t get a heartfelt and generous goodbye, via actual verbal communication, and are then sent on their way to their next life.

In some ways, this year feels like the “once-in-a lifetime tidying marathon” for my soul and for life. Moving to a new place, being in this program, all of the emotional work – it is a part of bringing it all out, exposing just the volumes and depths to being a human. We are tempted to cover up and even forget those shoes in the bottom of the pile – or the parts of ourselves we don’t want the world to see – but when it is brought into the light, we really can see that not everything is working, or serving us well. The sheer intensity with which we rake through our souls brings everything out onto the table.  We are confronted with the good, bad and ugly. 

The next step is getting rid of things that don’t spark joy.  Maybe, like me, you have seven grey sweaters and some of them just simply aren’t necessary anymore. As we comb through ourselves as fellows – we can thank the attitudes and operating assumptions, maybe the habits or patterns of our lives, that raised us and have brought us to this point. They have served a function to protect us, but maybe now aren’t necessary to keep. We can let go of things and use only those that serve a purpose to bring life, not death. 

During her lecture, Marie demonstrated how the body feels when it finds tidying joy. Her right arm pointed upward, her left leg bent in a display of glee or flying or something aerial and upright, her body arranged I’m-a-little-teacup-style, and a tiny hand gesture accompanied by a noise that sounded like “kyong.” Joy isn’t just happy; joy is efficient and adorable. A lack of joy, on the other hand, she represented with a different pose, planting both feet and slumping her frame downward with a sudden visible depletion of energy. When Kondo enacted the lack of joy, she appeared grayer and instantly older. There isn’t a specific enough name for the absence of joy; it is every emotion that isn’t pure happiness, and maybe it doesn’t deserve a name, so quickly must it be expunged from your life. It does, however, have a sound effect: “zmmp.”

You can own as much or little as you want, as long as everything you own is truly treasured. How different would our lives be if we tidied our souls like this? If everything we did, everything we were – was measured by this test? If we chose to engage – in relationships, conversations, vocation – that was lifegiving and sparked joy within us? And in the marathon, we are on mile 14. Over halfway. And once the work is done – Marie encourages us that we can feel lighter and live freer without our objects weighing us down. My hope for us as fellows is that we will feel lighter and freer as we learn to happen to our lives and only let things in that truly spark joy. 

And for those who aren’t sold on this whole “tidying” idea – at least check out Goodwill sometime soon. This “ruthless war on stuff” could work in your favor. Thrift stores nationwide are experiencing the “Marie Kondo effect” as donation bins overflow. 

—Laura

 Marie Kondo’s “JOY” pose

s i m p l i f y

You are mine in this wild and wonderful life.

Praise God for this wild and wonderful life. Praise Yahweh that He calls us His. Praise Jehovah that he gives me grace to feel His love and His promises. At the beginning of this year, my friends encouraged me to think of a word that could be used as a theme for this new year. Not necessarily a new year’s resolution but rather something to give over to the Lord to commit to Him and strive for something different this year. My word was SIMPLIFY. So many times when thinking about my calling and my purpose I get very overwhelmed and it all seems so unattainable. Love your neighbor, have a good attitude about things that are hard, uphold a steady temper and love everyone the same, ask good questions, save the lowly, fight for your passions, say hey to the outsider, do more than what’s expected of you at work, make sure you’re making a difference in your community. All of these things are thrown at me and my small head takes all of them and warps them all into one confusing, overwhelming, powerful person who I will never perfectly be. Because all of those callings that I just listed are good and right and just. But it just seems like a lot sometimes. You know how many times I don’t say hey to the person alone in the room? You know how many times I complain about something I don’t want to do? You know how many times I opt for the easy answer when I know that working just a little harder will make the results so much better?

This life is wild. There are so many aspects of emotions and relationships and work and learning and conflict being thrown at us everyday. But YOU ARE MINE. I fail and mess up and don’t live up to expectations and let people down and let myself down. YOU ARE MINE. I want to be nicer, I want to be kinder, I want to be more aware, I want to seek Him more, I want to have more discernment. YOU ARE MINE. I want to be a better nurse, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better woman of faith. YOU ARE MINE. Simplify. Lord, I am standing at your feet, bringing all that I am and all that I have, wanting to please and honor you with my response to this world and the decisions I make.  

This life is also wonderful. We live and we love and we experience joy and we laugh and we smile. We cry, we hurt, we ache, we want, we miss, we FEEL. We are alive. Remember that simple truth and I think it will be a lot easier and a lot more freeing to sit with all of these things that we are called to and have an actual desire to do them. When we realize that we are living beings on this earth, there is a natural desire in all of us to make something out of that. We want to seek justice, we want to love the unlovable, we want to go above and beyond at work, we want to respond well to the hard things. We want to live into the fact that WE ARE HIS. Every morning on my way to work, almost to a cliché extent, I play the song “Who You Say I am” by Hillsong and I most literally SCREAM the lyrics. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. IN MY FATHER’S HOUSE THERE IS A PLACE FOR ME. Simplify. He doesn’t want us to be overwhelmed. He’s not asking too much of us. He’s not grading us. He’s not comparing us. He loves us and just wants us to love Him in return. He smiles at us and wants to feel that smile. Simplify because “YOU ARE MINE IN THIS WILD AND WONDERFUL LIFE.”

“Your desire for more of God than you have right now, your longing for love, your need for deeper levels of spiritual transformation than you have experienced so far is the truest thing about you. You might think that your woundedness or your sinfulness is the truest thing about you or that your giftedness or your personality type or your job title or your identity as husband or wife, mother or father, somehow defines you. But in reality, it is your desire for God and your capacity to reach for more of God than you have right now that is the deepest essence of who you are” (Sacred Rhythms, Ruth Haley Barton).

<3 amy

New Year New Me 😝

Here are some principles that I want to rule my thoughts and rhythms in this year of 2019:

Be kind to yourself. This is the title of a song that Andrew Peterson wrote for his daughter, and one of the verses goes: “You can't expect to be perfect/ It's a fight you've gotta forfeit/ You belong to me whatever you do/ So lay down your weapon, darling/ Take a deep breath and believe that I love you.” Earlier this month, while on a fellows retreat, I spent some time sitting on a dock in the river writing down lies that I was believing about myself and then countering them with things that I knew to be true. One thing I wrote was:  “you have to do everything perfectly. No one else makes mistakes, so you better not.” I countered that with “even David committed adultery. Eve ate of the apple. Paul persecuted Christians. Peter denied Jesus. I will mess up, and the Lord will neither leave nor forsake me.” I’m never going to live up to all of the standards that I and others have for me, and I want to rest in God’s marvelous grace for me and have my self-talk reflect that. I want to see myself as Jesus sees me, beloved and one-for-whom-he-died.

Look for beauty. I want to see beauty in everyday things, but then also nurture my soul by intentionally seeking out beauty. This might mean pairing liturgies for everyday moments (casual plug for a book called Every Moment Holy - look it up) with intentional weekly forays into nature, where I can be still and see God’s face in the trees waving in the wind. I want to see beauty in God’s created world and in his created people. Lord help me to see you in everything and everyone.

Reflect. It’s easy for me to try to run away from my thoughts or feelings, instead of sitting with them and trying to understand them and see how the Lord is present within them. I want to be better about sharing my heart with the Lord and with other people instead of distracting myself by staying busy. At the same time, I want to be better about knowing when to leave my head and be present in the current moment.

Rest easy. “As the wind loves to call things to dance/ May your gravity be lightened by grace” (John O'Donohue). I often think and worry too much. I labor and am heavy laden, but Jesus promises me rest when I come to him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light (Mt 11:28-30). Lord, help me to rest in the lightness of your grace and in who you created me to be. May I behold your glory with unveiled face and be transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another (2 Cor 3:18).

Lord, let this new year be for your glory and for our good. “Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.”

~ Sarah

Raleigh Fellows: Prepared to Get Emotionally Wrecked.

I am begging for there to be a subtitle to the Raleigh Fellows Program. The fine print in italics needs to include “Raleigh Fellows: Prepared to Get Emotionally Wrecked”. It will be the behind the scene blooper to all of the fun pictures where we wear matching sweatshirts and attempt to be semi-adults. This authentic documentary will shed light on the soul-searching, mind-blowing and unearthing conversations that happen off of the Instagram reel.

Apparently if you are a Christian and live in Raleigh, North Carolina you simply cannot exist without knowing your Enneagram number. I like to think of it as a horoscope for your personality and motivations. In the world of Enneagram language I have learned that I am a Seven which is code for “The Enthusiast”. Contrary to popular belief “The Enthusiast” isn’t your typical cheerleader throwing pom-poms in your face or your average hype man (well, only sometimes). Sevens are described as whimsical dreamers who are driven by fun and motivated by the need to be happy. The default of the Seven is to avoid pain and difficult seasons by covering up the hard things with happiness or simply opting out of entertaining the hurt that lies beneath the surface. An invitation for the Seven is to learn to weep and notice where pain is deriving from.

When I first read the description my verbal response was “Woof”. This year as a Fellow has been deeply rich and rejuvenating, but also completely against the grain of how I am accustomed to operating. I have lived my 22 years of life up until now learning how to push things to the side, promising myself that I will eventually look at it again only to find an overflowing pile of miscellaneous thoughts that have never been properly managed. So you can IMAGINE the process of my naturally distracted-self entering a 9 month program that digs into the depths of pain with the hope of healing.  

I have had to put words to hurt and look it in the eyes without the option of running away. The past 5 months have been a process of sifting through areas that I have put on hold and being brave enough to lean in. Our director Ashley read us a poem by Jim Branch that reads:

“years and years of hard work diligently putting it all together piece by piece

thinking all is well

progress is being made

but then you

come and scramble the whole picture leaving pieces scattered everywhere

you lovingly smile

as I sit in the middle of the mess that I don’t know knowing that I’m undone

and thinking to yourself

now that’s progress”

Most days in Raleigh I feel undone and eagerly want see the fruits of being placed back together. With every class and conversation and unveiling, I am reminded that progress is being made in the in-betweens. I am reminded how gentle the Lord has made us but also how gracious He is to weep and walk alongside of us. I am reminded that He who promised is faithful and that faithfulness will not end with me.

So if you are a potential Fellow out there reading this, don’t say I didn’t warn you. But I also want to add a subtitle to the subtitle that says “Raleigh Fellows: Prepared to Get Emotionally Wrecked: But Also Be Prepared to Begin to Heal and Dance in Freedom and Experience Deep Grace and Transforming Love and Learn What It Actually Looks Like to Be Sought After by Jesus.”

That’s all I have for now folks.

PEACE AND LOVE,

Emily Magnus

Beauty in the In-Between

The season of Advent has come and gone. As January is on the horizon and people (aka me) train themselves to start writing 19s instead of 18s as the excitement of a new year dawns, I find myself reflecting on what this last month of the calendar year has meant for me. Leading up to Christmas each year, I find myself drawn into the theme of anticipation and waiting that advent stands for. As the advent wreaths begin to be lit during church, I remember the beauty of what it stands for. But normally as each new year or 26th day of December comes, I forget the beauty of the season in an instant—being some sort of shocked excited the next year when the wreath begins to be lit again. I found this year that God was giving me nudges (nudges of grace, honestly) to remember and reflect on the beauty of advent and the entire Christmas and Christian story.

There is so much beauty in the in between and ‘not yet’ of life. I was reminded of this as I was flipping through the winter issue of Joanna Gaines’ Magnolia Journal magazine (the theme was anticipation. . .how fitting, right?! Jo knows). She says in the issue, “The anticipation that surrounds the advent season gently reminds us to look past our immediate circumstances to something bigger. To consider what might be coming with joyful expectation. To embrace living in the “not yet”—and to sink into the beauty that’s hidden beneath all that is still unknown.”

This year is an in-between for us fellows—some may even call it a gap year between college and ‘real life’. We are in some ways taking this year to start well slowly into ‘adult’ life. It feels like we are waiting in anticipation to see what life brings next. And the fellows' program brings to light the beauty of this in-between sort of year. I have treasured every moment. It is in some ways a tangible way of embracing the not yet of life, as Joanna says. This year will not be the end of some sort of anticipation or waiting in life. Can’t we all think of something we are ‘waiting’ for?

I am thankful that God doesn’t meet us in our waiting empty-handed. Christmas and advent remind us to look past our immediate circumstances to something much bigger than ourselves. That God met us in our waiting with a baby; the Savior of the world. We see from looking at the Old Testament that God fulfilled the promise of a Savior through Jesus. It is a gift to celebrate that this holiday season. I want to remember this as the forefront of each of my days, not just once a year. And now as Christians, we are in a new advent season—we wait for Jesus to come again. But that doesn’t mean that we wait for hope to start. Hope has come, hope has begun. He who promised is faithful.

Happy New Year!

xox Lauren

Lean With It, Rock With It

I once compared my mind to a hamster in a wheel. My hamster even got his own name, that’s how easy it is to envision the scattered state of my attention span. My life has always had two speeds: fast and faster. I’ve challenged myself to write down my stream of consciousness and my pen quite literally couldn’t produce enough ink to keep up with my mind.

The past 4 months of starting the Fellows my little hamster wheel feels like it has grown larger than the ferris wheel at the fair. Every week we are taught new things in class, everyday I learn new things about life, and every minute I unfold a piece of my own story. My little hamster legs are just trying to keep up with every carrot taunting my onward (honestly a very funny metaphor to picture, I hope you are imagining alongside of me).

The Raleigh Fellows Programs subtitle in italics should state: A Season of Life Where You Gain Enough Information to Write a Textbook. The insider edition of said textbook would be pages of facts, nuggets of Truth, and quotes from ordinary people doing really extraordinary things. Sometimes the pages of information feel so heavy and daunting that I don’t know where to begin, so I just place it on the shelf and hope it goes along with the rest of the decorations.

One of my most recent chapters of my Italicized Informational Textbook would be titled “Leaning In”. It’s something I am not familiar with reading or doing. It takes me having to sift through as I process the words being thrown at me. It means creating margin of stillness in a schedule of chaos to think and hold and pray. Leaning in takes curiosity to search for answers and courage to realize that the A’s to your Q’s might not be displayed in a pretty way that you hoped them to be. Leaning in means looking lies straight in the face and saying no more. Leaning in is an invitation to walk and weep and laugh with Jesus.

Beyond all of the information, I can’t get over the people. We meet and hug and shake hands with humans whose stories breathe new life and redemption. I wish I could tape a GoPro on my forehead and rewatch every moment and listen to every conversation that unfolds whether it be in a seminar or at a coffee shop. I’ve seen a grown man cry as he explained “why would I hide my tears if I don’t try and cover up my laughter”. I have heard the Ambassador of Human Trafficking tell stories about his job and then sit across me at a cafeteria table and tell me about his wife. I have been encouraged to fight for equality by individuals who have worked for anti-racism rallies. I have learned about prayer through priests and family systems through teachers. I have seen life lived and healthy marriage displayed through family members in Raleigh who have invited us into their normal dwelling. The lists of fascinating people only fuel my fire of wanting to be Oprah in the hopes of getting paid to hear their stories (honestly, at this point hold the commission I’ll listen for free).

My desire for 2019 is to continue to lean with it rock with it.

And because my newfound passion includes me vibing with poetry I’ll end with this snippet by Idelette McVicker:

Let us rise to the questions of our time.

Let us speak to the injustices in our world.

Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation.

Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide.

Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us listen for those who have been silenced.

Let us honour those who have been devalued.

Let us say, Enough! with abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.

Let us not rest until every person is free and equal.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who are savvy, smart and wise.

Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.

Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.

Let us be women who say, Yes to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.

Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.

Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.

Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.

Let us be women who Love.

Xo,

EMagz

I'm Not That Important

There is a weird feeling that I have started to cope with while at work.  It is embarrassing to admit but I feel at times as if I’m above the work I am doing.  I cannot really explain it but it creates a type of entitled mindset that is not healthy. It started after a month of working my new Job with the YMCA. I love the people I work with. And I love the mission and good work that the YMCA does in this area. Which is why I was conflicted on why I was feeling this way. My days were filled with middle schoolers and inventory management.  I have deemed myself the title of Director of Snacks because for a couple hours each day I organize snack in a windowless room for after-school programs.  I kept hearing a voice saying, “are you really becoming a professional here? Is this where you want your career to start? How are you really going to make a difference working here?”  

I think this is a problem that many others who are my age face their first year after college.  I spent four years studying theory and expected to have the perfect job handed to me instantly. I really woke up one day and started to take a step back and think on why I felt so entitled and how I could change it.  

This whole experience reminded me of a story from high school.  I grew up playing basketball and I was pretty good in elementary school.  I grew earlier on than all my friends so I was 5’7 in the 6th grade. Life was the best, I didn’t have to try that hard, rebounds were essentially handed to me.  I thought that this was going to be what forever would be like. I was under the impression that I would just be a good basketball player because my Dad was good.  So I never really worked that hard at it. So I woke up one day and I was still 5’7, but everyone I played against was a lot taller than that. Junior year of high school, I went from starting to coming off the bench, to no playing time at all.  It was never my fault though; it was always the coach. He was out to get me. I mean there was no way it had anything to do the fact that I was a liability on defense. It definitely had nothing to do with the fact I spent all offseason playing video games and munching on Doritos.  I remember feeling entitled. I believed that I deserved to be the best without any work. Then my dad came downstairs one night while I was playing 2K13 on my Xbox. I had complained to him all season and I think he was tired of hearing it. He said he didn’t want to come to my games to watch me ride the bench, but if I wanted to work hard he would help me get better.  Then before he walked back upstairs he turned to me and said, “your attitude is going to affect your altitude in this.” It was super cheesy but it was awesome. So we worked out together all spring and most of the summertime. We would go to the park and do sprints together. I watched youtube videos on how to improve my skills and even tried to become faster. When the next season came, I had a starting position again and it was awesome.   My basketball team was still really bad but it was my favorite season. I don’t really remember what our record was. All I remember is that my dad cared enough to work with me through the process.

Jesus worked hard, and he served others.  So I’m checking my attitude at the door of this YMCA and focusing on the blessings God is showing me at work.  It is a blessing that God does not care where I work but how I work. It is a blessing that I am not as important as I think I am.  It is a blessing that I get to work with wonderful people and help make a difference in kids lives. And it is a blessing that the Lord is working with me each and every day in the process. Maybe one day I will be a starter, but right now I am going to enjoy the process.

-Alex

For Work by John O’Donohue

May the light of your soul guide you.

May the light of your soul bless the work

You do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.

May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.

May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those

Who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.

May your work never weary you.

May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.

May you be present in what you do.

May you never become lost in the bland absences.

May the day never burden you.

May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams,

Possibilities and promises.

May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.

May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.

May your soul calm, console and renew you.   

a whole lotta discomfort

I’m not entirely sure where November went, but all of a sudden it’s December 5th and November is over and it’s that time to reflect on the past month of Fellows yet again. This month has most definitely been the busiest month of Fellows thus far, with a regional Fellows retreat the first weekend, being in a friend’s wedding the second, family birthday celebrations the third, Thanksgiving the fourth, and my first PA school interview (conveniently in Kentucky hah hah) the fifth. I feel like I haven’t gotten a chance to take a breath, and that has left me feeling drained and disconnected from the program and the people in it in a lot of ways.

I forget when or where we talked about this, but at some point this past month we talked about busy-ness in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable because it was convicting for me. Basically, we talked about how in the past the idol of our culture has been leisure, as in you know you had ‘made it’ when you no longer had to work, and could spend all of your time doing leisure activities. But now, the idol of our culture has shifted from leisure to busy-ness, and a constant competition between one another to see who is busier, because in that busy-ness we find our value and worth as a productive human being. And is that not often how I find my worth as well? That if I do enough things, fill my time with enough activities, or people, or work, that somehow after all of that I will find that what I’m doing is finally sufficient? But it never is, so I keep adding. Because that’s what we do, what I do, when our idol is busy-ness.

The whole concept of busy-ness is tricky, because there is a certain degree of that which is good, for the Lord designed us to work, and to work hard. But how much are we supposed to work? How much is too much? When is the last time we also listened to the part of His design for us that involved a full day of rest? There are so many questions and so few concrete answers, and that’s so hard. Because I want nothing more than to ‘fix’ myself and make myself do the right thing, and yet I can’t seem to. There are so many things that I’m learning in Fellows that are so convicting; I’m being forced to push the boundaries of how I think and why I think that way, and where to give grace and where to give up legalism. There’s so much that I want to absorb and take in to myself, and yet I just can’t seem to do it. And that leads to feeling like I’m not taking advantage of the resources I’m being given, which leads to guilt and sometimes to shame, the latter of which is never good. So how do we stop the cycle? Where does it end?

Something cool that we talked about in class last Monday was the difference between guilt and shame. And while talking about them, I realized I had never really articulated the difference between them, but I knew there was one. That day, I was finally able to articulate out loud what they each are, and I realized how vital it is to for me, and for everyone, to understand that difference. Guilt, which is inherently good, is our first sign of a sin committed. That recognition leads to conviction, which leads to the foot of the cross, where Jesus is patiently waiting for us to lay down our sins so He can forgive and gently wash us clean, clearing us of sin and guilt. Shame, on the other hand, does the opposite. Shame tells us that we are what is bad, not sin. Shame takes us away from the cross, and towards our own self. And this is where things get dicey, because shame tells us the opposite of what the gospel does, which is that we are never worthy, and always unapproachable and unforgiveable. Shame takes the truth of who Jesus says we are and twists it into a form beyond recognition, disallowing us from seeking Him and coercing us into seeking some ugly form of self-correction instead. Shame is what we have to FIGHT, because Jesus doesn’t want us to feel ashamed. He wants us to come to Him rather than to ourselves.

These are only a few things that I’ve learned this month, but I hope they give you a small peek into what Fellows is having me reflect upon and dig into. What I’m learning makes me uncomfortable sometimes, and it digs at things that I don’t always want to be sought after, but I’m learning and growing and that’s the point of this program. To push things that are difficult, for the sake of sanctification and learning to sit with Jesus more every day. It’s crazy to me that the Creator of the universe actually enjoys just sitting and being with us, but it’s the truth that I will always hold on to in the midst of so many other moving pieces.

Until next month –

Rachel

A Sentimental Nomad

Chapter 3: The Sentiment Floods Back In. One of the main attributes that my friends back home know me for is when I get so overwhelmed in a moment of joy that I just scream I LOVE MY PEOPLE. And as my last two blog posts have recognized and reflected, I have been on a slow journey to sentiment with these new people here in Raleigh. As we live life together, as we learn about what it means to love God and love neighbor, as we battle with asking our families hard questions for an assignment that requires deep reflection on self and family, as we giggle about nothing when we’re supposed to be paying attention and being intentional, as we find ourselves at karaoke bars that are set up as mini living rooms, as we create relationships with teachers and mentors and just down right wise people who open their homes to us and make room for all 11 of us in their lives, as we are taught to sit with the Lord and give Him time and ourselves grace when we don’t find that time— all of these things are all of a sudden making me stop in mid-jaunt and scream I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!! It’s all cultivating this true sense of community that in my head is actually exemplifying what the heavenly Table is going to be like. This place where we are walking and talking and growing and giggling and always yelling I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!! So that’s been cool.

I also am just incredibly thankful for every family in this community. Because another prong of this blog post is about homes. Each of us live in someone’s home. That’s 11 families that were like, “Yea, I’ll give up space in my house to a stranger and let them roam and eat my food and share my couch and possibly probably mess up my routine and leave dishes in my sink sometimes and leave my bathrooms dirtier than they were before and invite other kids to my house. That sounds fun.” And then on top of that is all the other families who welcome us into their homes for class, for dinner, for talks on the porch, for random intervals between responsibilities, for opening their REFRIGERATORS and their PANTRIES, for us nomads who just float from house to house and receive actual nourishment. It’s hard to not have your own common place, your own house, your own couch, your own fridge. It’s hard being this kind of nomad. Because yes we all have homes but recently I have felt the effects of not having one space to go to and feel completely at home and comfortable. But when I think about it, all of these families are not feeling that completely either. Because their house which used to be completely theirs is now being shared. So my point is, our homes are meant for each other. They are meant for sharing. They are meant for cultivating these heavenly environments of community and sentiment. And I am so thankful for all of the families who are seeking that by being a part of the Fellows community. As Jason said in a prayer recently, we are an adult cohort that reflects life and eternity in a world of darkness.

We are nomads in this world because it is not our final home. So there is always going to be a sense of discomfort and crossed boundaries. But praise God from whom all blessings flow for the homes that we are able to create and the people that fill them and the promise that the memories made by these homes and these people are relevant today and will be even more relevant and beautiful in eternity.

peace out girlscout, Amy