~h o p e~

I feel like I have been going full speed and I don’t want to take my foot off the gas pedal because, if I slow down, I will see things about myself I don’t want to.

I have been very contemplative since the end of the year and our first semester as Raleigh Fellows. There have been conversations, assessments, and incidents, along with many other things that have caused me to look inward. I can’t say it has been easy because it has revealed to me things in my life that I need to work on and change.

Upon this realization, I felt a wave of defeat. I have so many broken areas in my life that need to be mended but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to do so.

So, I floor it. I go faster and faster. One impulsive thing after the other, to find only temporary fulfillment. Eventually, I crash into a ditch where it is dark and lonely. I’m in pain and the only way to distract myself from the pain is to pull my broken self out of the ditch and start going full speed again despite my dysfunction.

It’s pretty obvious I need some healing and restoration that can only happen if I slow down. I have found that spending time in solitude with the Lord is essential. I knew this before but never put it into practice because I never slowed down enough to make the space for solitude.

My sweet sweet friend gave me a journal for Christmas and wrote this poem in the front of it:

“ May you recognize in your life

the presence, power, and light

of your soul.

May you realize that you are never alone,

that your soul in its brightness and belonging

connects you intimately

with the rhythm of the universe.

May you have respect

for your individuality and difference.

May you realize

that the shape of your soul is unique.

May you learn to see yourself

with the same delight, pride, and expectation

with which God sees you

in every moment. “

(FOR SOLITUDE//To Bless The Space Between Us)

I didn’t know it but these were some words that my soul was desperate to hear. And OH MY, the Lord is GOOD. The Lord was so purposeful in where He placed me. He surrounded me with with some of the sweetest friends and mentors that continually speak truth into my life, no matter what. I find HOPE in their words, the words that the Lord, so purposefully, gave to them. Every little part of this fellows year has given me a glimpse of the HOPE that was gifted to us when Jesus died on the cross us.

peace + love

ANNA

THE FELLOWS AT ANGUS BARN

AMY + YUMI

WE LOVE THE 818 GIRLS

Hope in the Healing

Hi blog!

Today is the end of our first full week back in Raleigh and MAN am I glad to be back. This place is home and it felt really sweet to be welcomed back with open arms. I’ve spoken enough about my winter break and our mid-year retreat to last a lifetime, so I want to focus on something else that’s been on my heart recently.

“When Jesus came into Peter’s house, he saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever. He touched her hand and the fever left her, and she got up and began to wait on him.”

Matthew 8:14-15

This short account appears in three of the gospel narratives. After Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount, people came toward him asking to be healed or for their loved ones to be healed. In one account, Jesus heals without it being requested of him, while in the other two the disciples tell him of the illness Peter’s mother-in-law has and ask for healing.

The narrative in Matthew reminded me of the scripture in Luke where Christ raised a widow’s son. Various translations say “his heart went out to her” or “he had compassion on her.” And I love how Rembrandt depicted it — Jesus touched her. When Jesus saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying sick in bed, his instinct was to reach out his hand to her. No thoughts about if he would get sick, no thoughts about if he should, no thoughts about if it was right to do. He was compelled by love to reach out his hand and heal her.

Christ healing Peter’s Mother-in-Law by Rembrandt

I’m in much of the same season I was in last semester (can I even call them that when I’m not in college? do adults just reference time according to weather seasons? share thoughts in the comments below) of tending to a slow and difficult process of growth. It’s a healing process I’ve willingly and somewhat not willingly stepped into. I’ve often been frustrated at myself in this current stage because I’m not able to feel my emotions at my normal level of depth. Anger and pride come quickly, while joy and sorrow do not.

But the purpose of healing is what? In my mind, it’s to allow our minds space to focus on things of greater importance. When you’re not sick, you mind drifts away from your body and to those around you, to the sunshine, to the wind, to Christ. When you’re not sick you can serve with your whole heart and mind and body. I’m sure that’s not the full purpose of Christ’s healing, but we’ll leave it at that for now.

What about before you’re completely healed? What about when Peter’s mother-in-law was lying sick in bed, knowing she should be caring for her children or knowing she might die? I can’t imagine how desperately she wanted to be well.

Beloved… do not feel ashamed of your emptiness. Instead, see that it is the perfect preparation in providing a home for something Holy.

Scott Erickson, inspired by Jesus Calling

I can’t speak for Peter’s mother-in-law, but I’ve absolutely been ashamed of my emptiness, my lack, my heart as it sits in the middle of healing rather than being at the end. I’ve been mad at myself and mad at God for having this season be so long. I’m ready to be fully HEALED.

And then I see this picture. And I hear these words.

Martha Anne, don’t feel ashamed of your anger, your emptiness, your slow growth. I know when you’ll be fulled healed. And only with and through me can you be fully healed. I’m preparing you for something Holy. I’m preparing you for the ability to get up and serve me, wait on me, minister to me.

There is hope. There is hope in the slow and toilsome healing that this is all preparation for more. I may not know what the rest of this healing process will look like, but I can hope in the potential that this will end and Christ will have the victory. I can only hope that at the end of this, I will have the strength and joy to love and serve the Lord as Peter’s mother-in-law did right after she was healed.

I hope you spend some time looking at the image above and noting what comes to mind for you. Do you picture Christ as reaching his hand out to you? Do you believe that Christ served us in death so that we may serve him with our lives? Do you see and hear the ways that God is asking you to be a home for something Holy? And that Holiness being Himself?

xoxo

Martha Anne

3 Bible verses challenge

What a year it has been! I was asked a “table question” at dinner during a work outing. The question is “What day in the past year would you relive and why?” Most years this question would have been pretty easy, but this past year has been a different case. In the past year, I have served alongside 10 other Clemson students serving in a leadership capacity for the ministry that brought me back to Christ (FCA). This included the highs of seeing God work to leading a team on a mission trip to Philadelphia and laughing endlessly while serving others. Then I graduated college from the greatest university, Clemson (Go Tigers!). Two days later I was on a plane with my family to Japan to visit my brother whom I hadn’t seen in over a year and my first time outside of North America. I got to spend the summer in Raleigh living with my best friend, Nate, and acclimating to the city I hope to spend the next years of my life. Fellows started with an unforgettable retreat at Lake Gaston as I gained a glimpse into the vast depth of the hearts of 11 strangers (yeah Ashley is definitely included in this) and how they care so deeply to know God and love others. I got to stand beside Nate’s side as he married Zoe. Each day with the fellows has been just as noteworthy as the aforementioned events from cooking for roundtable with Berkley to classes with Benji, Jason, Jon, etc. to nights with the boys and all the spontaneous hangouts. Ultimately, this question helped me appreciate everything good in my life despite the lies and insecurities in my head. There is a benefit to reflecting on the past especially in my position to remember the good times God has blessed me with and not get caught up in the day to day snares and sins of life. This reminds me of the book of Judges as Israel failed to pass on the stories of the blessings God had given them and they returned to sin time and time again.

I have started meeting with Chris Byron from Apostles. Ever since I interviewed with him I wanted to be his friend and learn from him. Before Thanksgiving he challenged me with coming up with 3 Bible verses which have impacted me during Fellows. The first story which stuck out to me came from a sermon I heard a couple weeks before Fellows started but it really started to work in my heart throughout Fellows. This was the story of Mary and Martha which I had heard a dozen times before, but I always had been taught and understood Martha as doing the wrong thing. What I have learned is not that Martha was doing the wrong thing by her actions but in her heart. Martha’s means of hospitality and service align with how I serve others best. Martha’s heart was the problem in this story as she was upset with her sister Mary for not helping her prepare food, but instead Mary was sitting under Jesus’s teaching and making Jesus and his disciples feel welcome by just being with them. I can grow and learn to be more like Mary, but I was created more like Martha. I experienced this situation while serving with FCA, but the lesson I was being taught didn’t come to my realization until I heard the sermon in August about Mary and Martha.

These two stories from Judges and of Mary & Martha have taught me two great lessons I hope to put into practice and pursue. This blog helps me with the first one even when I fail to type one up for November (sorry Ash). I’m still figuring out what the third Bible verse/lesson is to fulfill his challenge, but at the moment I am just being patient and trying to eliminate setting expectations, but instead asking God what he has in store for me because God is not disappointed in us because he does not set expectations for us. He accepts us as we are and welcomes us time and time again.

So as I wait to figure out the 3rd Bible verse or relate the expectation setting to a story in the Bible I will finish reading “Abba’s Child” and continue to learn who God wants me to be as my true self and not some worldly expectation I have for myself. I am continuously amazed and astonished by what I am learning in this program and if I don’t have enough material to write a blog for January then I am just not reminiscing enough because this next month is going to be so full I will not have time to breath.

- Tim

Fun year right?

Well yeah it was. I am going to skip out on the year wrap up because I feel like my last couple posts have been that. I’d like to share with y’all something that I have recently learned. It feels so easy, and, in theory, it’s relatively simple, but it is something that I have gone practically my whole Christian life without.

We have been tasked with reading a book called “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning. Aside from the Holy Bible itself, (and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis) I believe it is the most essential book to living a life dedicated to Christ. ‘The cry of the heart for intimate belonging’ is the subtitle and the rest of the book does nothing but echo that. Chapters range from ‘Come Out of Hiding’ to ‘Present Risenness’ to ‘The Rabbi’s Heartbreak.’ Chapter 3 is called ‘The Beloved’ and its truth is one that I have been overlooking and evading for as long as I can remember. Straight and to the point, the idea is this: “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”

Sheesh.

I have been believing the opposite deep, deep down for so long. How is it so? How have I forgotten my Father’s thoughts and feelings about me? Day by day it seems as though nothing changes, but as you look back on months and years, everything seems different. I am haphazardly quoting Lewis but the sentiment stands. How is it that the weak enemy’s voice can trump the truths of the Hero? It is because I have not been myself. Manning calls this the Imposter self, and it is the being that has inhabited me. Abba’s Child has rearranged my mirror-view. I am Beloved by God and, as Mike Yaconelli puts it: “for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.”

I am beloved by God, and for some strange reason that seems to be enough.

Stay tuned for how things are different following this refreshed information, but I’m really excited to say the least.

-Jack Bobo 12/31/19

December_AS

Anxiety may be the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard 

Forever is composed of the Nows. Emily Dickinson

To be liked by everyone you would have to be the blandest person ever. Matt Haig

Life isn’t about what you are doing, but about what you are being. Matt Haig

Reading isn’t important because it helps you get a job. It’s important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you’re given. It’s how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape. Matt Haig

The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates

Of what value is learning that does not turn to love? Anthony of Padua

The artist is not one who creates beauty, but the one who looks for it. Brennan Manning

I have been reading a lot lately, occasionally writing, even wrote a huge piece on my thoughts regarding the author of the poem below and his impact on me. Yet the added words feel fleeting and unnecessary. It’s sad really.

Because once someone dared

to want you,

I know that we, too, may want you.

When gold is in the mountain

and we’ve ravaged the depths

till we’ve given up digging,

it will be brought forth into day

by the river that mines

the silences of stone.

Even when we don’t desire it,

God is ripening. 

I, 16 from The Book of a Monastic Life by Rainer Maria Rilke

Similarly to the speaker in this piece, I don’t always want what God has to offer me. In fact I try my hardest not to be a recipient of what God has to offer. I’m fixated upon what I can do in the world, and it tends to end in vain. I get this overwhelming sense that God constantly is just waiting for me to lean on my pickaxe, bloodied and blistered hands, dust lining my lungs, and give up digging. I am still a child, and God sees these things and probably smiles (hopefully), perfectly willing to step in whenever I feel the weight of myself trying to press on here. In attempt to sum up his work in a few words, Karl Barth said, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Next time you hear that jingle, remember one of the greatest theologians has copyright. In all seriousness, I hope to attach this to my being everyday, in hopes that I am compelled to live out of this and only this.

Peace,

Austin Spence

Airport, Interview, Podcast, Christmas, Professional Development, Recap with Berk

yo yo yo Merry Christmas Santa came to town last night!!!

This is Krista here and I am sitting in the RDU airport right now (I LOVE AIRPORTS AND AIRPLANES) about to board my flight in 10 min to MUSIC CITY BABY!!! lets go Nashville! I have the privilege to be sitting next to Berkley in this moment and we wanted to take some time to ask Berkley her thoughts about Christmas Round table last night and we just remembered oh THE BLOG. sooooo We are gonna use our Interview skills here that we learned today in Matt Youngs Professional Development Class. See berkley’s post for her answers to my scary, unknown, and on the spot questions.

1. Berkley tell me your favorite light you saw in the light show?

2. Now tell me on a scale of 1-100 how did you enjoy the crazy chicken that Ashley prepared?

3. Did you know your secret Santa?

4. What made you laugh the most about last night?

alrighty, folks intercom man said its time to go and looks like the plane is here!!!!

Merry Christmas love yall.

Airport, Interview, Podcast, Christmas, Professional Development, and Recap with Krit

ho ho ho Merry Christmas!! Santa came to town last night!!

Hey pals! It’s ya girl Berk! Currently sitting in RDU airport with the one. the only. KRISTA BAKER! Yes you heard it hear first. THE Krista Baker.

We are set to depart on different flights (tragic i know), but we are both headed back to the sweet state of Tennessee! Nashville baby! Let’s go.

But as we sit in the airport we decided to have a little fun with our blog this month and do a little something different. Today we learned about professional development (I wasn’t stressed at all . . .ha) and Krista and I decided to practice our interviewing skills. . . Therefore, we ask you to refer to both this blog and Krista’s blog as a source of reference!!! She will be asking me questions and I will respond on here! BUT you will only know the questions if you go to HER blog!! fun i know.

Answers:

1) 100% the star wars blow up thing that i didn’t know was a star wars reference.

2) honestly krista, all I have to say is chick fil a better watch out!

3) I did. #topnotchsnooper

4) when Austin Spence put a raccoon mask on and pretended to attack us as a rabid animal. All there is to say is I left without the need for a shower.

oh well destiny calls! gotta split! Intercom man is telling us we gotta go. By for now!!

Merry Christmas fam! Love y’all!

A tribute to Dallas Bonavita

Oh hey it’s me krista,

so some of you may know this year I have been working at Note in the Pocket. If you do not know what Note in the Pocket is, you should click on this link https://vimeo.com/178372136 and if you have clothes in yo closet DONATE!!!!!!

Anyways, Dallas Bonavita is the Executive Director for Note in the Pocket and most of my time is spent with her each day. Dallas has been such a gift to me so far in fellows (like if you ever meet this lovely woman you are truly blessed). The other day I was thinking “What has Dallas taught me?” The one thing that instantly came to mind was Dallas has taught me how to remain hopeful. She is filled with hope and her hope has flowed over and blessed me. She joyfully goes into situations and interactions with a hopeful heart and is always filled with optimism.

So Thank you to Dallas for teaching me more about what it looks like to remain hopeful & what it looks like to ask the Lord for things and hopefully wait and expect.

Krista Baker

I love it. . . Still.

This season has been the best one of my life.

full of the sweetest people and the sweetest memories

being a fellow is the best

challenging, hard, and exhausting - yes. But so worth it.

I pray that anyone looking to do a program for this next year, experiences the true JOY that comes with every single moment.

there is so much to say, but this about sums it up. I. love. it…still.

this next season will be one of preparation - I am anticipating it being harder and even more challenging, but at the same time refining and sharpening to a degree I would not receive elsewhere! Let’s go 2020!

-Berkley

My Letter to the Lord

Hi Father —

I’m in the middle of an awakening and I needed to tell you about it.  I sat awake long past my designated adult bedtime wondering just exactly what you’re showing me.  Between phone conversations full of weeping and intimate time with you full of joy – my heart dwells in the unknown of how to awaken to the avoidance within me.  I’ve listened to you tell me that there’s so much that I miss when I close my eyes. Oh my small-sighted mind!  I’m only thinking of the hurtful things I can protect myself from when I go to sleep or the comfort that comes from being wrapped up in the safety of my sheets.  Yet I miss the light, the sunshine, the beauty, the reason behind the warmth, and most importantly the love you so willingly give even when I close my eyes.

Avoidance.  That’s the other word resting in my mind.  How is it that the girl who’s so quick to share is also so quick to run?  Avoid long-term grief by grieving it all up front.  Avoid long-term pain by believing you’re not worth long-term commitment.  Avoid disrupting your body at all costs as if it’s a shell you’re stuck inside that you may NOT rattle lest you cease to exist.  Avoid the touch of others because you’ve judged it not kind enough.  Or maybe because you believe you’re unworthy of such intimate love. Avoid mistakes, avoid heartbreak, avoid being too much, avoid physical pain, avoid, avoid, avoid.

Yet, I got mad when she avoided her past trauma.  And I get frustrated when he avoids sharing.  I feel sadness when they avoid looking me in the eye because I know how deeply avoidance damages.  It hurts to sleep through everything.  It’s exhausting to squeeze my eyes shut.  I want to wake up to the reality of who I am and the reality of who you are, but I’m afraid of what I might find. Where do we go from here? Can you help me?

Hi sweet girl –

Ooo I love you.  And I’m SO fond of you.  I hope you can feel how your questions and words and emotions gladden my heart. 

And I am helping.  I know you can’t see the whole picture, but I’m writing my truth on your heart.  And yes - it feels more like a long and detailed tattoo rather than a sweet poem.  Just remember, we created this design together.  Jesus, the Spirit, and I labored over this design and chose it specifically for you to bear as a testament of your life with us. It just takes time. Like all your other tattoos, we have to go over each line a few times to make sure they’re permanent. Some areas are more sensitive than others which is why we take breaks - to breathe and remember why we’re doing this in the first place. But rest assured love, progress is being made. And it’s so beautiful. I can’t wait for it to be finished.  I can’t wait for you to rejoice with me.

You’re so close honey. You’re wading through the thick muck toward me.  I see it in the time you won’t share with anyone other than my Son because how SWEET are the secrets we tell you to keep of our love for you – like a lover singing to his betrothed of the joy she brings him in just existing.  You bring us joy in existing.  You bring us joy even when you come to us in grief.  My girl.

I see you seeking me in the emotions you won’t share because they’re not meant for anyone to untangle but me.  I see you seeking redemption in inviting me into the past trauma. Can you see that you’re letting Jesus into your past, during your present, to bring future hope?  Listen to me.  I’m awakening you to me, to who I really am, to trusting me.  I love you Martha Anne.  I always have.  I always will.  I’ve been there with you in all of it.  Now’s the time to remember, to awaken to who I really am.  I am the I am.  I am yours.  You are mine.  You were bought with a price.

I’ll share a secret with y’all.  Each time this past week before I’ve walked into space with the Lord, I’ve encountered Jesus.  He’s stood before me and instructed me to put it all down – Martha Anne, I need you to drop your to-do list, your emotions, your desires. They’ll be here when you get back.

And then, before entering the holiest and most wonderful space I’ve ever walked into, Jesus takes his bloodied hands and wipes them all over my body.  

As I walk through the door into the heavenly realm with God, I am physically covered in the shed blood of Christ. Truly hidden in Christ.

This is the blood of Christ, shed for you, my darling girl.  

I wanted you to be able to be here with me, to really know me. This blood is for you.

We both weep – holding the grief over his death and the joy of his victory over death in one emotion. 

I’m praying that during this advent season you can experience the truth of being covered in the blood of Christ. I’m praying you see the cross, the wine, and the blood as gifts you’ll never deserve. I’m praying that being covered in the blood of Christ would move you to live and love out of the freedom of the cross.

xoxo

Martha Anne

Song of the South (Raleigh)

Song of The South

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Chippy on the ottoman, Chippy in the ditch

They all pet Chippy but they never got bit

Ashley was our leader, a Raleigh girl at heart

When you’re at the Boltons, better watch where ya park

Sing it!

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Well somebody told us Landon couldn’t dance

He was so good that he ripped his pants

Berkley was short and Bobo was tall

It don’t matter God loves us all

Well Steen said a cuss word and Steen got smacked

These fellows are the best and thats a fact

Bobo got a girl and a real nice ring

And they’re goin down to Georgia where they’re gonna sing

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Songwriter: Alex Behnke

Song of the South lyrics © Raleigh Fellows Publishing Group

~c h a n g e~

Well, after failing to do last months blog post, I am here to combine both October AND November into this post.

I am currently sitting in a sea of my black Friday indulgences covering my bedroom floor. The ironic thing is that we just finished a seminar on Financial Planning (not my strong suit). I truly did not realize how many times the Bible talks about money and what we should do with it. So now, as I look at all these things I just had to have because “it was on sale”, all I can see is greed and hunger for fulfillment. I hate that this is one of the many things I struggle with but I love to shop and spend money on a whole other level. Ever since I was young I LOVED to buy things. However, it has transformed into something more where I don’t just enjoy shopping but I get a rush from it. There’s just something about clicking that button or swiping that card to buy something you have been wanting that you feel is going to, in some way, improve your life. The problem is I want a lot of things and as much as I hate to admit it, I am a bit of a materialistic person. I am always starting new hobbies or finding new interests and then I need to invest fully in that for the time being. So, I buy the things and then 3 or 5 months go by and I’m on to the next thing.

The purpose of me sharing this is not to vent about my problem but share some nuggets that I found to be of significance from today’s seminar. The first nugget was that we were bought with the blood of Christ and set free, so He does not want to see us become a slave to man/our debt. Debt is a form of slavery and it is bondage. God wants us to be free. Another nugget is that if you don’t have the means to buy or do something, you should ask yourself “are you ready?” This could possibly be God’s way of telling you to wait because you just aren’t ready. Third, our first priority should actually be giving, where some people may say saving is the priority. Giving is an act of worship and love. God calls us to be good stewards of our money because it ultimately was given to us by Him. Lastly, we need to learn to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Two verses that clearly state this are Philippians 4:11-13 and 1 Timothy 6:6-10. If we have food and clothing, we should be content.

I just wanted to share this because this has been a lifelong struggle and today I heard plentiful evidence from the Bible stating all the various components to being a good steward of our money. Ultimately, our wealth and prosperity is the Lord’s and He shares that with us. So, it only seems right to use our money as He has called us to. I’m not saying this struggle just went away but I feel guided. With His guidance I can act on the things I have learned and, hopefully, work to change the way I use my money for the glorifying of God.

peace + love

ANNA

Be Your Light

I remember the musings of an old high school mentor. They always talked about the existing light within each person. How there is this perception that the light of our souls can’t be controlled, when in fact it’s the opposite. Our light is a tool. While everyone shines and burns a little different, everyone can be luminescent.

This past month I’ve come to that realization. I burn differently than everyone around me, but this isn’t a statement of isolation but one of individualized celebration. Thank goodness we don’t all burn the same way. We’d be stuck with a cascading symphony of blinding white light. There would be no layers of orang, red, yellow. There’s different levels of warmth with each light as well. How important this is to remember. We all have a little niche to fill, and this leads me to my first point. It’s important that we all choose to shine, in our own ways. Any classic pyromaniac knows what happens when you combine two, three, four flames: the light extends, the burn increases. While this metaphor is cheesy, its simplicity lead me to some needed peace.

I am very thankful for the bright orchestra that is this group, and the way that each person shines to fill a whole that darkness would otherwise infect.

Here are some sedent musings I’ve drummed up on this subject:

The twinkling spark of light comes with birth,

Our log of light lit to burn for lives‘ warmth,

You see an ember burning bright and hard with life,

Stoked quietly through the winds and pressure of time.

We pray for deep seated coals ones the ignite others.

We bend and break to smoke the last parts of lights, bandaging darkness

For darkness embodies the fear of an end or the absence of value.

Just as an ember burns bright,

It can stop.

Inviting in the cold.

But the truth needed recognized is an ember burned bright is infectious.

Each embers warmth can be attributed to someone’s spark.

And for that we remember,

Our own warmth emphasized by the light of others.

We burn because people burned before us, and will after.

Continue to light, spark, in remembrance.

Project the same dark orange energy of those that lit before us.

And we will lit for those that come after.

Peace Homies,

Landon

Jack's November Questions

Truly, I cannot believe we are already in December! This program is flying by and I feel like were still just now getting started.

Here’s a quick life update:

My shoulder is in full swing (not range of motion wise but healing nonetheless) and tomorrow is my last day to wear my sling! WHOOP!!

I have my treasured FJ Cruiser back from the shop and I can drive it once again!

Darby and I are still getting married!

Like I said, I really can’t believe how far we’ve come in this program. I can’t describe how much good it has done for me. I don’t have anything profound to say other than that. I am being challenged. I am wresting with questions about my life like “Do I make too many excuses for myself?” or “Am I too hard on myself?”

I am asking questions about God. “How do I live with childlike faith without being naive in this post-fall world?” “How does one practically accept God’s grace?” “What is intimacy with God look like?”

I am wondering about what life will be like when I marry my betrothed. How will I mess up? How will we annoy each other? How will we love differently then compared to now?

What will it be like to go back to school? Will I regret spending two and a half years doing this? What if I hate research? What if I love it?

Anyways, it’s fun to think about the future but I feel it clouding my vision. I pray that I can fully immerse myself with what’s in front of me now (the Raleigh Fellows) and healthily dream but not worry about what’s to come. It’s fun to ask these hard questions, though! Heck, I feel like I won’t ever find an answer to some of these. But I guess that’s okay, I think God just likes that we care to ask. That is something I can find comfort in!

God Bless,

Jack B.

November_AS

True power occurs when God is being glorified and the lowly are being delivered. Benji Davis

The best work is good work, done well. Dorothy Sayers

You are the sum total of your data. No man escapes that. Don Delillo

The Church needs to be just as interesting as the Marines. They need to be able to ask for sacrifice that makes sense. Stanley Hauerwas

Jesus likes to take advantage of reckless people. Will Willimon

We are called to make a place suitable for life and flourishing. It’s there in our DNA somehow. Genesis 1:28 gives us some more explicit guidelines for what we are supposed to do here. God tells us to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the rest of creation. The fact that we are made imago dei gives me enough reasoning to believe that Adam and Eve didn’t need to know exactly what those words meant to act upon the command. Had I not known what the word “till” meant, upon being commanded to “till the earth” you may find me digging a hole and sticking my foot in it. Just to see what happens. The means may differ, but the results are the same. Do something with what you have been given. We are called to act. Farmers are not the only ones responsible for the carrying on of God’s work here (although Wendell Berry may disagree).

By telling us we hold God’s image, God is confirming that we are able to do so. When we bear something for someone, we are doing it in place of that being. We are given commands after we are told we were made in the image of God, because that fact in of itself propelled us forward in action. We are image bearers responsible for the manifestation of the creator in the world. We are able to keep God’s commands because we are made imago dei.

Recently I was on a run and was in awe of the sight of the city around sunset, as well as the weather above. I paused looking down Fayetteville Street and smiled. The storm clouds were rolling in right as some flurries of violet and crimson were hitting the face of the monumental moisture fields. While that sight alone has every Christian Instagram influencer losing their mind for a quick “God makes cool art” story. Nay, it was the combination of God’s work in the sky with the foreground of downtown Raleigh. We made this. Of course this is naive to think we alone made it happen, but I saw infrastructure, design, beauty, and craft looking down the street. Creation begets creation. In Dorothy Sayers’s book Mind of the Maker she seeks out the relationship between creativity within art and how it corresponds with the Trinity. Looking deeper into imago dei, we see, first and foremost, that God’s initial action is creating. We look to see what God is up to in order to find out how we can properly bear said image. Innately within us, we therefore have an urge to create, build, craft, etc. in this world.

This has a ton to do with vocation and the work we are involved in, but I’d like to end with a brief endeavor into what this speaks into about place-making. It is a creative act to even begin thinking of the implications of place. The question “What makes a place a home?” is an easy way to look at how we make meaningful places. If I had to answer that, home is where the people are. People I love, who love me. Those two create comfort. So within place-making, there is a call for community making as well.

I am constantly trying to “make this place my own” in the cities I live in. What makes Nashville the lovely place it is to me is the guys from The Big Shoe and The Love Shack, and the girls from The Swamp and Red House (respective names for houses full of folks near and dear to me). We lived with or in close proximity, which demanded to act on the desire of friendship, not expecting it to occur without said effort. The problem I face now is that I do not live with or relatively near the community handed to me. That I didn’t necessarily chose these people. That this program demands attention, energy, work, etc. that drifts into personal time or time that could be spent with folks. This demands a creative look to make sure folks are cared for, times are enjoyed, and that the space we hold with one another is blessed. In Raleigh, this looks like the gentlemen coming around a fire at Alex’s or Jack’s, bike rides through the city for our sporty folk, meeting for morning or evening beverages, and sometimes the occasional movie in a basement. Till the community, make it work. Allow it to flourish, diminish our natural hubris that got us here in the first place. 

I am asking the Lord to bless my ability to act on the cultural mandate in Genesis. I fail on my own. Eventually I believe this will lead to tricking people into being in fellowship with myself, just by listening to the sometimes unnatural rhythms that come with being human in community. Be about the business of making place. Redeeming people. Redeeming place. Creatively working to restore the created order. 

Peace,

Austin Spence

Radical Honesty

Hi blog!

Martha Anne here. Let’s get right into it. Buckle pup.

“Envy accuses God of not knowing what he’s doing or of not being faithful to what he’s promised to do. When you are convinced that a blessing that another person has ought to belong to you, you don’t just have a problem with that person, you have a problem with God. When you begin to question God’s goodness, you quit going to him for help. Why? Because you don’t seek the help of someone you’ve come to doubt.”

New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp, November 27

I’ve been learning a lot about honesty lately. Not because it’s been preached about in a sermon or I’ve outwardly read it in scripture, but because my friends are living their lives in ways that are just radical. It’s refreshing and enticing and truly comforting to sit amongst beautiful women (near and far) who understand the HEALING and COMMUNITY and LIFE that come in vulnerability.

Many of these thoughts are unkempt and chaotic still in my mind, but I want to note the small nuggets of radical honesty I’ve heard and witnessed over the past month. My hope is we both begin to string together a story about God’s desire for intimacy, connection, and flourishing.

First nugget of radical honesty, there are seasonal relationships and there are covenantal relationships. And the Lord gives us emotional boundaries because it’s hurtful to our souls to confuse the two or treat one as the other. This has been ROUGH for me to learn considering I so easily believe that if we’re not being completely vulnerable then we’re inauthentic with each other. God is teaching me a lot about showing up, submitting my desires, and waiting patiently for faithfulness in His design.

Second nugget: marriage and sex aren’t promised to us. And they aren’t all roses either!! They’re broken blessings. Our world has a knack for envying marriage and sex, which is absolutely exhausting. It’s so easy to look at the engagements flashed across social media and DOUBT that God is giving us life to the full. And when we envy other people’s relationships, it leads us to believe God isn’t giving us something we’ve been promised. We begin to believe we deserve blessings when in fact we deserve death on a cross. Only in looking to the cross and recognizing the grace and forgiveness we’re consistently given can we endure the false notions of the world.

Third nugget of radical honesty: we serve a God of abundance. How dare we think that God is LIMITING His love for us? How dare we question the love of a Father who’s own Son chose to die our death so we could spend eternity in His presence? How dare we think He wouldn’t do it over and over and over again? How dare we think we’re not His beloved? Oh what short-sighted beings we are. Lord help us in our unbelief.

Fourth nugget: UVA will always be good at basketball. And we’re good at football. Hoos don’t lose.

Fifth and final nugget of radical honesty: God’s not finished. He isn’t finished with us whatsoever. I’ve been dealing with anxiety for FAR too long. Anxiety that consumes my mind, my body, and discourages the freedom the cross provides.

“Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.”

1 Peter 4:1-2

I don’t know about you, but my body has been through some suffering. Between the childhood trauma of losing a parent along with many other dear people to the anxiety that comes with food and alcohol at random times, my body has had enough. It’s exhausted and my mind is quickly following suit. And yet the one of the sweetest hopes that continues to get me up in the morning and on my knees before the Lord is the radical truth that God is not finished with me yet. This is not my final season. And this debilitating weight does not rule me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul! What cause we have to worship His holy name!

xoxo

Martha Anne

Questions

Life is oftentimes determined by your desires. What influences your desires therefore dictate your life. We need to ask ourselves, does our faith influence our desires? What is our mindset about what we do and why we do it? Are we living for personal gain? Do we only care about our desires? Are we seeking to understand those around us? Do we know ourselves well enough to begin answering these questions?

These are just a few of the questions I have been asking myself this past month. I came into this year of Fellows for personal discovery and growth. I started rethinking my mindset for my life and career during my senior year at Clemson. I experienced Christ’s love in a deeper and prolonged manor in college, but I knew I needed to take a step back to support my heart knowledge and marry my heart and head. So, I pursued Fellows because I knew I would have the encouragement to grow in this way, but also to be challenged to grow in other ways as well. God doesn’t make everything good also easy. I have been challenged to think differently and ask myself some of these questions. If my mindset is negative and poor towards challenges then I may not learn to experience God in new and different ways that he wants to build a relationship with me in. While I have gained head knowledge during Fellows I have been challenged to strengthen my personal relationship with the Lord. This deficiency has been hidden at times due to the frequency we talk about God, but thanks to the nature of the business of the Fellows program the lack of intimacy with God and rest in him is made apparent.

So yeah those are some of my thoughts and things I’m thinking through. HBD Ash sorry this is very late.

-Tim

no longer a skeptic

Okay people. We are going to talk about the enneagram for a minute.

Upon hearing the word “enneagram", I assume you are feeling one of two things. You could be SUPER excited, not to mention that you were just on instagram last night looking through memes on your number. OR you are considering closing out this blog right now because you cannot tolerate to hear another Christian talk about their enneagram number. The latter was me. Up until last week.

“I don’t like to be put in a box.” This is the common argument when it comes to enneagram skeptics. How on earth could there be only 9 numbers that describe the entire population? To think about the uniqueness of each individual, it is hard to believe that we could narrow it down to “typing” people in this manner. And even if you do relate to one of these types, what is the importance beyond the number? These were all thoughts I had.

Through this program, the fellows participate in an “Enneagram Workshop.” The closer we were to approaching this workshop, the more frustrated I was becoming. Why did we have to spend an entire day on these silly numbers? What If I don’t identify with any of the numbers? Then what?

But then, the Lord started to shift something in my heart when I picked up the book “Self to Lose, Self to Find.” As I began to read the beautifully written words of Marilyn Vancil, my entire perspective on this “enneagram fad” started to change. My eyes were opened to the true purpose of these numbers. The title “Self to Lose, Self to Find” says it all.

I couldn’t explain this better than the author herself, so I’m going to quote a section from the chapter, “Three Invitations From Jesus.”

“God has beautiful and unique designs for each of us. He alone knows how the various pieces of our lives will fit together to create a stunning masterpiece. His intention is for us to live as our true self, the unique expression of His image in union with Him, and THIS is what brings Him glory. We “miss the mark” when we live lesser lives and instead of believing His deep love and holy purposes for us, we cling to our own ways of satisfying our needs. We “aim at other marks” that we think will ensure our safety and security, give us power and control, and earn affection and esteem. In this sense sin is refusing to put on the true self and living for the old self as if its all we have. It’s using our lives for a lesser destiny than a covenant of love with Him.”

These words were liberating for me. Each of us has a false and a true self. A self to lose and a self to find. The false self is an identity that is rooted in the comforts of this world because that is where we often feel “secure.” The false self is our old self- our old self which was put to death when Christ conquered the grave. Yet we still run back to it. We lose sight of the true self & new identify that Jesus has offered us- the true self that is created to reflect God’s image in a unique way, which is the only path to true flourishing. We are made alive in Christ through His resurrection. We no longer have to hold onto our old selves, but we can step into an identity rooted in God’s deep love and holy purposes for our lives.

The enneagram is a pathway in revealing our true and false selves, our new and old identities. And from the words of Fil Anderson (the man who led our workshop): the purpose is not to put you in a box, but just the opposite. It is meant to free us from the box. It frees us from the old self we often cling to. The enneagram reveals the beautiful gifts that the Lord has given us. But it also uncovers how we can misuse those gifts and they become no longer glorifying to Him. In doing that we are living out of our false or “adapted” self that seeks comfort and security outside of the Lord. Upon figuring out my number, it was very convicting but also incredibly freeing. I was able to identify the ways I live out of my false self, but then could claim that those ways had NO HOLD ON ME. Because of Christ, my old self has been put to death and I can choose daily to put on my NEW SELF that has been bought with the blood of Christ. No- its definitely not always easy to deny these desires of my flesh, but I’m not alone in this. My true self in Christ only comes from an utter dependency on Him for every step I take. This is all by His grace alone.

Oh, and for those who have been waiting this whole time for my number, I’m a six ;)

See you all next month, sorry i’m 13 days late this time.

xoxo

Emme Slaton

Medicated Laments and Learnings

Howdy folks,

Thanks for checking in to what your old pal Jack is up to in these times as a Raleigh Fellow.

As of late, I’ve been imagining my life like I live in sand. I feel like I’ve been digging a groove (maybe it’s a roller coaster of sorts) in which to ride and as I take each twist and turn, I completely wipe out. Sometimes I feel like digging is done, this is when I hop in and go and go and go and collect speed and and lean too far to one side trying to compensate centripetal motion on a turn and tumble over. Maybe this is a metaphor to current life, maybe it’s drilling too deep into subconscious gray matter to understand anything, maybe it’s word vomit, maybe it makes no sense (I am on heavy pain meds and sometimes this computer screen swirls, so if this doesn’t make sense, were blaming it on oxycodone). But I think I do really try and create a life style where I can just ride (and I hate to bring the enneagram where it has not been invited) but maybe this is my 9 self just wanting to just ease its way through life. I am kind of chuckling because it never works out as easily as I want it to.

I am currently at home in Fabulous Frisco, Texas recovering from shoulder surgery I had a week ago today (maybe this is one of those twists and turns I was referring to) and, man, I keep thinking about how stupid it is that I have to go through this. This wasn’t the plan! I miss my friends and betrothed. I want to be involved in the community that I’m apart of in Raleigh, and the FOMO is unreal from 1,035 miles away. It’s 26 Fahrenheit and it’s hard to type in this sling they have me in. I keep finding ways to complain, but in reality how can I? I really can’t and, you know what, how dare I?? I’ve had uninterrupted time with my parents, time to read, time to rest; things that I love! How can I complain?

I started to write this metaphor saying that September was my month of digging and October was my month of riding but truthfully, that’s wishful thinking. Maybe life is more in the digging and twists and turns than the straightaways. I hope and pray I can learn that more and more. At the end of the day, God is very very good. Let that be known.

Thanks for reading my medicated laments and learnings! Raleigh I miss you, I’ll be home soon!!

-Jack

hidden

THESE WORDS, THIS SONG, WILL REGAN.

HIDDEN

united pursuit

There was one when I was young 
Who knew my heart
He knew my sorrow
He held my hand
And he lead me to trust him

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

As I grow
And as I change
May I love you more deeply
I will lean upon your grace
I will reap because your goodness is unending

You are my vision
My reason for living
Your kindness leads me to repentance
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend

The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory
The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name 
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

This song has been my prayer for the whole month of October and has continued, “I’m hidden in the safety of your love”. His love is the safest place to be where we are fully satisfied. This is the perfect image of abiding with God, letting him guide us while knowing that we are simply safe to rest in his love. It truly is that simple. This song has gifted me with beautiful images and knowledge regarding my relationship with Jesus. Among the many, I have grown to realize that while resting in His love His voice becomes much clearer.

He has asked me to listen intently .

“Lord, teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them. Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to thee, “ Speak for thy servant heareth.” Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart. Let me get used to the sound of Thy voice, that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking voice. Amen.” - The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer

Our God is an immanent God, near and intimate with us. He is our friend. The Lord is so gracious to offer us a place to be hidden and held where we can come so close to him to become familiar with His voice. One of my favorite verses in all the Bible gives a clear picture of the Lord’s pursuit to speak and be with us. He wants to bring us in so close that His whispers become so evident.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14.

God longs to draw near to us. He wants us to be hidden with him so he can show us more of His enduring love and voice. This takes a lot of humility and grace, but boy is it worth it.

-Kritta B.