~h o p e~ — Raleigh Fellows Program

I feel like I have been going full speed and I don’t want to take my foot off the gas pedal because, if I slow down, I will see things about myself I don’t want to.

I have been very contemplative since the end of the year and our first semester as Raleigh Fellows. There have been conversations, assessments, and incidents, along with many other things that have caused me to look inward. I can’t say it has been easy because it has revealed to me things in my life that I need to work on and change.

Upon this realization, I felt a wave of defeat. I have so many broken areas in my life that need to be mended but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to do so.

So, I floor it. I go faster and faster. One impulsive thing after the other, to find only temporary fulfillment. Eventually, I crash into a ditch where it is dark and lonely. I’m in pain and the only way to distract myself from the pain is to pull my broken self out of the ditch and start going full speed again despite my dysfunction.

It’s pretty obvious I need some healing and restoration that can only happen if I slow down. I have found that spending time in solitude with the Lord is essential. I knew this before but never put it into practice because I never slowed down enough to make the space for solitude.

My sweet sweet friend gave me a journal for Christmas and wrote this poem in the front of it:

“ May you recognize in your life

the presence, power, and light

of your soul.

May you realize that you are never alone,

that your soul in its brightness and belonging

connects you intimately

with the rhythm of the universe.

May you have respect

for your individuality and difference.

May you realize

that the shape of your soul is unique.

May you learn to see yourself

with the same delight, pride, and expectation

with which God sees you

in every moment. “

(FOR SOLITUDE//To Bless The Space Between Us)

I didn’t know it but these were some words that my soul was desperate to hear. And OH MY, the Lord is GOOD. The Lord was so purposeful in where He placed me. He surrounded me with with some of the sweetest friends and mentors that continually speak truth into my life, no matter what. I find HOPE in their words, the words that the Lord, so purposefully, gave to them. Every little part of this fellows year has given me a glimpse of the HOPE that was gifted to us when Jesus died on the cross us.

peace + love

ANNA