Maybe it’s the act of writing these blogs, but I feel like each month of fellows brings a distinct theme to be etched onto my heart. Vulnerability in September. Volatility in October. Vocation in November. VVVery interesting (it’s not funny, but I’m still laughing).
When I say vocation, I mean it in the more general calling sense. Yes, we had a great career and vocation retreat, but the bulk of this month (and the whole fellows experience for me thus far) has centered on healing a wounded heart. Living with agonizing heartache for what feels like ages, I kept pleading to God return things back to normal.
And God’s response was, “What if the whole point of this season is not to return back to normal? What if instead I’m starting a new thing in you?”
Well played, God. Well played.
This response prompted a journey of self-discovery. For someone who considers himself to be already fairly self-aware, I was blown away by all the things God revealed about how He wired me. I learn about my motivations, behavioral tendencies, and where/how I get kinked up*. This led to conversations with wise counsel that yielded practical steps to grow into who He made me to be. Perhaps just as exciting, I’m beginning to like the person He’s making out of me.
For the first time since being in Raleigh, I’m able to look forward and actually believe that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I had known this to be true in my head for awhile, but this is the first time I started to believe it in my heart.
Of course, the heart still ebbs and flows. There’s still perseverating and heart-sinking reminders. But now with a taste of what’s to come, I can weather the storms a little bit better now. PTL.
For the love,
Austin
*No shaming
Once again, my long list of lyrics that hit me right in the feels:
They say heartbreak always hurts the worst the first time
You feel you're gonna die, you're blind, it's hard to see
- In a Stranger’s Arms by LÉON
I wanna be in your touch
Sleep is so tough, you're burning up my mind
What would it feel like if you tore me apart?
Come on, chew on my heart
- Chew on My Heart by James Bay
Oh, the habits of my heart
I can't say no
It's ripping me apart
You get too close
You make it hard to let you go
- Habits of My Heart by Jaymes Young
This entire song. Yes.
- Me describing I Don’t Care by Charlotte Sands
Be gentle with me
Have patience with me
Oh, 'cause I've been in the corner of my mind that tells me
I'm not good enough for anybody like you
Help me out, you know I need you like water
- Water by Bishop Briggs
I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Take me back to the night we met
- The Night We Met by Lord Huron
Don't go to war for me
I'm not the one that you want me to be
Don't call me up at 2 a.m. tonight
It feels so damn good and I wish you would
And don't cry no more for me
Don't waste your time convincing me
That maybe someday we'll get it right
Cause we never could, I wish that we would
But we won't, so just don't
- We Won’t by Jaymes Young
No matter how it ends
No matter all your sin
I hope you will understand
When I leave, you better be a good man
- west texas by Greyson Chance
And I'll keep praying I make it
Like someone worth saving
I still got some fight left inside me
I've been down, I've been down
Burning up like fever
Better days, better days
Are not so far away
I've been lost, I've been found
Now I believe in
Better days, better days
Are not so far away
- Better Days by Hedley
Tired and worn from the patterns I've carved
I will do better in the morning
I'm afraid of who I'd be without you
I will do better in the morning
- Better in the Morning by Birdtalker
Times get tough
But I don't give up
'Cause I know I'm not alone
'Cause we all reaching for something
We're all craving change
Hopin' tomorrow, tomorrow
Is better than today
- Better Than Today by Rhys Lewis
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
My two front teeth, see my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth
Then I could wish you, Merry Christmas
- All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Alvin and the Chipmunks