"O persistent God, deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle. Pressure me that I may grow more human, not through the lessening of my struggles, but through the expansion of them.... deepen my hurt until I learn to share it and myself openly, and my needs honestly. Sharpen my fears until I name them and release the power I have locked in them and they in me. Accentuate my confusion until I shed those grandiose expectations that divert me from the small, glad gifts of the now and the here and the me. Expose my shame where it shivers, crouched behind the curtains of propriety until I can laugh at last through my common frailties and failures, laugh my way toward becoming whole" -Ted Loder
At the beginning of Fellows Ashley made us read a poem and consider the idea of becoming undone. The Lord undoing our lives that we believe we have made progress in to show us that real progress is when he comes into the picture to take it down and reminds us it’s not about what we are building.
Well so much of me feels like I am back here again... I do not want to be here or admit I am here, I am standing in piles of broken pieces trying to gather them and hold them together. It doesn’t all fit in my arms, pieces are falling, pieces I really care about and I can’t reach down and grab them because then more will fall. I am pulled in two different directions one is to sit here and piece it back together. The other part of me looks at it all and wants to give up.
God time and time again wants to reshape and rearrange a lot of what is happening on the inside. This unearths fears and places where we grasp for control in our lives. What a blessing though… he stops our selfish lives and turns us around saying do you see what you have been holding onto and creating for "safety".
Here is where I feel the layers of surrender.
In Luke 7, we read about an intimate, holy encounter one courageous, young woman had with Jesus. Not only was she brave enough to walk into a home full of men by herself, but she also humbled herself at the feet of the King. She literally gave everything she had. She broke the jar of perfume that would’ve taken a year or more to save up for and poured it all over Jesus’ head and feet. She kissed his feet, wiping them with her hair.
Here I am again praying that I learn what it looks like to give my alabaster heart to the Lord daily. I give up the pieces I have created and wanted control over and I give him my heart because he is doing transformative work there that I can't control. So here is all my heart, all my soul, all I own, you can have it all. May I continue on this lifelong journey laughing and smiling with the Lord offering up my broken heart.
krista b