Well… it finally happened. We got COVID. Correction: somehow only three of us got it and they are now all better (praise God) but we all spent two weeks in strict quarantine in our houses. So, January has been a slow month. It was a challenging month in its own way. In the stillness, my restlessness became glaringly obvious. A part of me resists the quiet – it can be scary.
In the quiet, my fears, longings, and deep desires begin to tug at me. Over and over again in the Fellows program, we’ve been told to pay attention to our dreams. What gives you joy? What keeps you up at night? What can’t you give up or lay aside? Most of the time, I think I regard my desires with caution or fear – if indeed I regard them at all. I’m afraid to want something too badly, because I’ve always operated under the unbiblical notion that if I want something badly enough, God will purposefully withhold it from me.
[Which brings up another pressing question I need to attend to: why is it that I view God as a God who withholds more than one who gives abundantly, when the Bible continually makes clear that the latter is true?]
A recent example of this theme coming up: in Edward’s first New Testament class, he asked us, “Do you find it difficult to name and admit desires you have to God?” My answer is a resounding YEP. It is also difficult to name and admit desires I have to other people, and even to myself. Because if I speak them aloud, then they’re real. They’re out there for others to judge and see. Say these desires never come to fruition, what then? I don’t want to be judged by my unrealized dreams. It feels risky to dream in front of others. In short: admitting desires requires vulnerability and a release of control. Oof.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom talking to her about a desire of mine that’s been weighing on me for a while now and debating whether I should take a step towards doing something about it. Her advice?
“What are you waiting for, Sarah? Allow yourself to dream.”
And that is one of main reasons why moms deserve a grammy award. But really, what am I waiting for? And how about you, what are you waiting for? It will never be “a convenient time” or “easy” to start stepping towards our hearts’ desires. And it’s risky; there are no guarantees that we’ll get what we seek. But maybe, in the process of seeking, God will point us to deeper, fuller desires that He wants to satisfy. God cares about our desires; He created desire after all. And the more we pursue God, the more our desires tap into His heart and the people He created us to be. In Sacred Rhythms, Ruth Haley Barton calls desire “the beginning of the spiritual journey.”
We suppress our longings to our peril. Desires demand to be heard and they will operate and drive us whether or not we are aware of them. If I dare to dream in God’s presence, I pray and believe that my dreams will drive me towards God instead of away from Him, as they do when I repress them. As Ruth Haley Barton reminds us, “Their power only gets stronger the longer we repress them. How much safer is it for ourselves and everyone around us if we open up our desires in Jesus’ presence and allow him to help us sift through them.”
Today I am leaning into Psalm 145: 16: “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” God’s hands are not clenched but open. He is ready to hold your bold dreams and mine.
-Sarah