December! A month filled to the brim with the goodness and joy that has been so plentiful since I moved to Raleigh North Carolina.
This month provided some of that Christmas spirit I was really hoping for, whether that was through Secret Santa elfing, Christmas cookie swaps at work, Zoom calls with my college friends, or spending the Christmas season with the Vincent’s !!!!!!
This month also provided space for reflection of what the past year has looked like, whether that was through sitting down and reading through past journal entries, or on the drive both to and from Tennessee. I found myself looking back in order to make sense of where I was now, which led me to continue thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. I read through my desires and hopes, I read through prayers that were answered, some in ways I never expected, but really I saw the Lord's loving kindness through every part of the story.. His redemption is weaved throughout all my seasons!
December also revealed to me that I see my Imposter self more than I would like to admit. “Imposter” is the name that Brennan Manning uses in his book Abba's Child to describe the false self that we all use to distract us from knowing the deep true self. This true self knows what deep intimacy with the Father looks like, and beckons us to come see for ourselves.
My imposter self is motivated by busyness and all those self-centered activities that bring instant gratification. Brennan Manning speaks to the core of my Enneagram 9 heart when he says “While the imposter has performed superbly, I have assumed a passive role in relationships, stifled creative thinking, allowed myself to be intimidated by others, and then rationalized my behavior by persuading myself that the Lord wants me to be an instrument of peace.. At what price?”
Woah. Full transparency, this excerpt, this whole book, has shook me to my core and exposed me in a lot of ways. It falls right in line with this beautiful but hard journey I have started of accepting my false self, acknowledging my own brokenness, yearning for the Father, and reminding me that there is a tenderness that comes from Him that will surpass my understanding. My Father is out there repeating that same phrase “its okay to be yourself.”
there I find my freedom to love and to be loved.
I saw variations of this when I reflected on all that 2021 brought me. The journey of understanding yourself through the eyes of our Lord is both so exciting and so scary. It plays into everything we do within the Fellows and within our lives as believers. Knowing I am never isolated on this journey is what makes me so excited for all that this next semester will bring! I know that we will all continue to live on this narrow path of life with The Father, and He reminds us that its okay to stumble!!
There is so much to look forward to!
I’ll finish out by sharing one of my favorite poems right now!
The limp by Jim Branch
i walk with a limp
a true thing of beauty
that came about
when you took me to the ground
wrestling and struggling
when you tore me to pieces
that you might make me whole
thank you
for loving me
too much to allow me
to continue to live falsely
to continue to be someone
other than the one
you created me to be
that you would care enough
to wound me
your beloved
that i might live truly
and become my truest self
makes this limp
a true thing of beauty
a living reminder
of your great affection
All the love,
Lauren