It’s that time of the year that the impatience, stress, and anxiety of waiting comes around. It’s something that is classic of the season of spring as the flowers are just beginning to blossom, pollen covers every inch of the outdoors, and development of plans for the summer begin to creep into people’s minds. In some ways, the idea of Fellows ending feels very similar to the end of a school year in college. Trying to figure out living situations for the next year, getting a job throughout the summer, and planning for the next year of our lives have been very heavy. This has been very true of my life currently as I’m researching and discerning what my next steps look like as a young engineer and have been on multiple house tours with the dawgs. But in other ways, this waiting period is very different than a typical year in college. We aren’t preparing for another year of school (except a few of us) and we aren’t preparing for a job that will only last a couple of months. We’re in a period of waiting and anticipation of the beginning of the rest of our lives. The pressure of starting well and getting everything in order has consumed my mind and has made it very difficult to stay present in where we are right now.
There was a day last week that I woke up a little early, decided to head over to the church earlier than usual for class, and just sit in silence with the Lord. I felt compelled to pick up a copy of “The Blue Book” by Jim Branch that was in the Fellows Lounge and felt further enticed to the title “Letting Go”. In this devotional, Jim Branch leads us through what it looks like to surrender control over the past, present, and future to the King of the past, present, and future. Here is a quote I fixated on and haven’t let go of:
In the end, there are only two ways to live. We can live with either clenched fists or open hands. You can’t have them both. Clenched fists are a refusal: a refusal to let go, a refusal to trust, a refusal to give up control. And unfortunately, in the spiritual life, clenched fists also keep you from being able to receive anything from God. Only empty hands can receive. Therefore, we must let go of whatever our hands are full of before we can ever expect to receive any of the fullness, or the life, that God wants to give us.
- Jim Branch, March, 2016
This was the beginning of a morning that I hope to remember for a long time. Far too often I live a life with clenched fists, desiring control over things that God has proven time and time again He is faithful in. This life is exhausting because it demands attention and energy that I don’t have the capacity to tend to. A posture of open hands is a release of the desire to control, perform, and appear put-together to those around me. So, Lord, I give you my open hands, emptied of trying and control. It isn’t much, but it’s what I come to you with. Fill these empty hands with the fullness of the richness of your glory.
After reading this, the Blue Book continues into the scripture from Genesis 22:1-19. This is a very common an well-known biblical account in which God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, for God. There are a couple of things that stood out to me in this passage on the idea of “Letting Go”. First, Abraham’s response to God the first time he was called and right before sacrificing his only son was simply, “Here I am.” This communicated a beautiful picture of the openness of Abraham to readily receive whatever God was to speak next. Whether that be the command to sacrifice his only son or the command to stop so he and his descendants could be “as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore” who will “take possession of all the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed,” Abraham was obedient and open to the call of his master. The second thing that really affected me when reading this has to do with the trip to the mountain that God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on. Immediately after receiving his command, Abraham set off. For three days he travelled by donkey with his son and two servants to the place which God had commanded him. For three days. Three full days of what I imagine to be the most anxiety producing days of Abraham’s life. I imagine a slow and tired journey in silence where Abraham’s mind was racing over why God would have him sacrifice his one and only son that was a blessing to he and his wife in the first place. I imagine confusion, doubt, sadness, and anger inside Abraham that was like a burning fire within him, unable to speak a word about what the Lord had commanded him to do. All this makes me feel so small and weak in comparison to the Almighty. Never have I dealt with a command as intense as that, yet my mind races all day with clenched fists over what next week, next month, and next year will look like for me. And Abraham came with empty hands saying, “Here I am.”
It’s my hope and my prayer these last couple of months of Fellows to remain present to what the Lord is doing now. I pray for empty hands to become more common in my life and to see the delight of the Lord in my emptiness. I pray for letting go of control over the future and surrendering it to the one who has been and always will be in control. May these last couple of months be full of trust and faithfulness to the One who has proven His faithfulness time and time again.
Jacob McCarthy