Over the past year, I’ve been rediscovering my identity as someone who likes to read. For Christmas, my dad gave me a book entitled Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. If you’ve been talking to me at all over these past few weeks, you’ll know that I haven’t shut up about it. It looks like your typical self-help book, though I’m suspicious the author, Oliver Burkeman, only titled it the way he did so that the type of people in the market for your typical self-help book would see it on the shelf and grab it. What it really is, is a book about the philosophy of time. Did you know that if you live to be 80 years old, you only get 4,000 weeks worth of time on earth? And we certainly aren’t guaranteed to see 80.
I’m turning 23 tomorrow. At this point, I have maybe 2,804 weeks left. Or maybe less. Or maybe more. Operating on the 2,804 assumption, that’s 54 more Christmases. 54 more times to experience winter turning to spring (and tl;dr on my last blog post, I love it when winter turns into spring). If you can push past the harrowing despondency of it all, you may happen upon the realization, as did Burkeman, that it matters not so much how much time we have, but how we spend that time.
He writes: “It’s natural to see this situation as highly regrettable, and to yearn for some alternative version of existence in which we wouldn’t have to choose between valued activities in this way. But if it’s amazing to have been granted any being at all…then wouldn’t it make more sense to speak not of having to make such choices, but of getting to make them?”
It is just as important what we choose NOT to be doing, as what we choose to do.
Ashley has often spoken of “the Holy no” – the “no” we give to things that are good in order to say yes to the (equally good, or better!) things God may have up his sleeve for us.
All that said, I want to use more of my time to try new things. In no particular order, here is a list of new things I tried in March:
Making a March Madness bracket: I fear I may be turning into a college basketball fan.
Watching wrestlemania: I can’t say I’ve ever had any interest or desire to do this… but reluctantly I will admit I had fun.
Silent retreat: That’s right! We retreated to St. Francis Prayer Center in Greensboro, NC, to spend time apart, together. Mary Young guided us in spiritual practices of lectio divina, viseo divina, silence & solitude, and good ol’ reading your Bible. It was a time set apart to shut up and shut out the noise of the world, that we might be able to listen to the voice of the Creator.
Party bus: This one is just exactly what it sounds like.
Consensual cyberbullying … I’M KIDDING (I’m not kidding): We completed a series of anonymous 360-degree reviews for each Fellow, with consideration to each others’ strengths and ~areas for growth.~ I thank God for friends who are committed to my edification; friends who not only think of me kindly, but think of me at all.
Got pulled over by a cop on a motorcycle (The cop was in the motorcycle. I was in my car): Avoided a speeding ticket somehow. Still cried in the parking lot for 30 minutes afterward.
Lenten practices: I’ve spent each Thursday fasting from the time I wake up until round table that night. How sweet it is to break my fast surrounded by friends (not to mention, each week it tastes like the best meal I’ve ever had).
Saw a Beatles cover band: AND IT WAS PHENOMENAL. If I’m not in a cover band when I’m in my mid-50s, I’m probably doing something wrong.
Serving communion: This past Sunday (which may have actually been April, oops), I served communion for the first time. I was almost brought to tears multiple times seeing everyone come through the line and having the chance to bless them. It was just unexpectedly and unequivocally good.
As God sent man into the world to “subdue and rule over it,” (read: steward it well until the Resurrection), so also do I believe he desires us to subdue and rule over our time. Ephesians 5:15-16 says “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” It doesn’t matter how many days I have until I will meet Him face to face, but if, and how, I am choosing to make the most of every opportunity.
HE REDEEMED US. HE BOUGHT BACK OUR TIME. THESE DAYS ARE GIFTS.
pgfwabf
Madelyn
“Where we lived in Italy was a cement building plopped on a hill. It wasn’t beautiful. But on the hill, you could see beautiful things.”
Hey blog. Happy April! I hope your March was lovely. Mine was! Today, I’d like to talk about a couple of the books I read this month (and I have a fun surprise at the end that perhaps no one will care about).
I most recently finished Everything Sad Is Untrue by Daniel Nayeri, which is an autobiographical novel written from the perspective of the author’s middle-school self. In it, he makes sense of his life and his history as an Iranian refugee living in Oklahoma. It’s filled with so many poignant and beautiful observations and stories that feel all the more special when you remember they’re being told by a sixth-grader to his classmates, trying to explain where he came from and how it shaped him. It’s middle-grade fiction but I think there’s so much in it for adults. It made me a little teary more than once, and I laughed out loud a lot as I read it. That’s really all I ask from a book that will be one of my all time favorites and this one certainly makes that list.
Earlier this month, I reread The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo. I read this book often when I was younger, and every year I like to revisit a few books I read when I was in elementary or middle school (seems to be a theme?), because it feels so special to revisit the values we hope we instill in children—stuff like courage and forgiveness and friendship—once I’ve left childhood. This also made me tear up, to be honest. “A rat is a rat is a rat,” until he encounters an act of grace. Too good!
“‘Oh, really,’ said Roscuro [the rat], ‘this is too extraordinary. This is too wonderful. I must tell Botticelli [the cynical rat] that he was wrong. Suffering is not the answer. Light is the answer.’”
Last one I’ll mention. I read And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini a couple of weeks ago. I’ve always been struck by Hosseini’s penchant for storytelling and the way he can write about really hard stuff with a lot of sensitivity and compassion. This book really is one of his best in both of those regards—it’s amazing how he’s weaves many different stories across time and place into this one really standout novel. There are so many characters and perspectives and somehow all of them are so memorable. Hosseini is a gem!
I said the last one was the last one I’d mention, but it would not be Fellows without some class reading, so I’ll mention that too. This month, we finished up How (Not) to Be Secular by James K.A. Smith and The Drama of Scripture by Bartholomew & Goheen as we wrapped our classes on Christ in Culture and New Testament. In the span of a few weeks we’ve covered the malaise of immanence AND an introduction to the book of Revelation. Talk about range!
My fun surprise (though “fun”, here, is subjective), is a few book recommendations for my fellow Fellows. Fellows, if you see this, my disclaimers here are that there is no guarantee that you will like the book I recommend for you if you read it; maybe you’ve read it before or you’ve decided you will never read that particular book and that’s fine by me; this list was based on an inexplicable vibe, I have no reasoning behind any of these; and, lastly, I am so unbothered if you ignore this completely unsolicited recommendation for the rest of your life! (I really just needed blog content. Cheers!) This I humbly give to you (again, so unsolicited! Ignore if you like.)
Emily: Beartown, Fredrik Backman
Ashley: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Betty Smith
Janie: Poison for Breakfast, Lemony Snicket
Mallory: Rebecca, Daphne de Maurier
Madelyn: The Anthropocene Reviewed, John Green
Linsey: Gilead, Marilynne Robinson
Neil: The Last Shot, Darcy Frey
Ian: Open, Andre Agassi
Alec: In Cold Blood, Truman Capote
Matt: Cat’s Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut
Sincerely,
Derren Lee
One highlight of this past month has been our class with Eric where we have been doing an inductive bible study on the Sermon on the Mount. The Sermon on the Mount contains the famous beatitudes, one of which is “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” I feel like the word meek is one of those classic biblical words that many people struggle to define or understand in its entirety, and I agree. The basic understanding I came to through our class is a mindset of humility and recognition of the lack of power you personally hold, and instead submitting to an authority beyond yourself. We discussed how a mindset of meekness is important to have, paired with a spirit that hungers and thirsts for righteousness. We recognize the lack within us to be perfect and make things right, we recognize the need we have for a savior, and we adopt humility knowing we alone cannot fix the situation.
In simpler, more everyday life terms, this month has been a humbling one. It has caused me to face head on my sin, my weaknesses, my lacking, and my need for a perfect God that can restore and redeem me. You may be thinking, “dang Linsey, what are you talking about?” Well, at church all our sermons over the last month have been about temptation and confronting where we’ve become comfortable with our own sin. And if that wasn’t already causing me to look inward, this month also included peer reviews from all the fellows, a strengths assessment, our genogram papers, and a silent retreat, all of which have taught me A LOT about myself (good, bad, and UGLY). And I don’t say this to bring myself pity or because it's fun admitting all the ways that I fall short from my own and others expectations, but rather I share this because it has been really meaningful through this season of Lent to acknowledge my brokenness and cling to the hope of Jesus.
But I also don’t want you all to think that I was all sad and sappy through March reckoning with all these self-discoveries. Within all of this information there has also been some really sweet truths that have provided comfort and replaced lies I've believed about myself. The strengths assessment labeled me as a stimulator and provider which gave me a clearer understanding of the role I tend to take on within groups as someone that seeks to elevate the emotions of others, sense the feelings of others, and give a voice to others who have not been heard. Our peer reviews also gave me a lot of encouragement and understanding in how others see me, as well areas to grow in. It has been a time of sweet honesty in seeing the unique ways God has designed me. It has given me a chance to confess my sins and seek God’s forgiveness and grace. It has given me a desire to love others better and be a better reflection of God’s love and kindness. I hope that in attempting to grow in meekness God is allowing me to become more merciful, creating in me a pure heart that desires devotion to God and thirsts for righteousness and peace on this earth (and that’s all thanks to the beatitudes).
-Linsey
Well gang, lets go ahead and address the first elephant in the room, shall we? You’re probably sitting there thinking “Alec… I am disappointed… “Who Knows Anymore” is not a number, and henceforth cannot be an addition to your volume series. UGH!” I totally get how that can be frustrating and I am sorry, but you simply are just going to have to deal with it (hehehe >:) ). Of course, that is obviously not what you are probably thinking. In reality, you are probably thinking, “Where has this guy been?? The last time I got a blog update from him was in the month of January and now its April, like what?” In honor of it being Fools day today I thought it would be the perfect day to address this train of thought, because frankly I have been disappointed with myself in the attempt to try and not write these at all.
Put it simply, these past few months I have had little to no inspiration to write. I drafted up an entire blog somewhere in between January and now but after reading it, felt pretty melancholy about the whole thing. It wasn’t my usual barnburner of a blog that I have been delivering month in and month out. That being said, I am not an author. It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone with my wordscraft (it’s a word, get over it) or thoughtfulness. I do however have a hidden agenda to entertain whoever is reading. A lot of people say that reading these is as if I was saying it straight to their face. That being said, the words I have been inclined to put down in these monthly summaries just have left me feeling disconnected from my own self recently. I read them with confusion about what I am even trying to say and with wonder about where the heck all my parenthetical thoughts went (insert thought here). Contrary to what I am talking about though, this past week has felt much different. I have in some way ventured into a swale, where my writing self and I have been learning to operate once again (you like that word, “swale”, pretty impressive huh?).
Today, on this glorious Fools day, I wanted to talk about the ~reorientation of the self~ (which is by no means foolish). Recently in our Raleigh Fellows journey, we had a silent retreat. Now if you were me before last week, you are probably wondering “what does that even mean, “silent retreat”?”. Basically, we were silent and retreated. Haha just kidding. Well not really, but obviously it was deeper than that. Turns out there are these things called prayer centers?? At least in North Carolina there is one that exists close to Greensboro. The one we went to was called the St. Francis prayer and retreat center and boy was it magical. In all seriousness, it might have been one of my favorite camp-type places I have ever been to. Which is bold considering how many YL camps I have been to. Wait, I am sorry. I meant to say “considering how many YL glamps I have been to” (if you know, you know). There was just something about how the retreat center was set up. It was shimmering with intentionality. Every spot of land had the Lord sprinkled into it, whether physically or atmospherically (at least it felt that way). It truly was a perfect place to try and retreat for the weekend, and you can bet your top dollar that we did just that.
The tempo of the retreat went a little like this: arrival, tour of the camp grounds, dinner, spiritual formation/lectio divina (in case you don’t know the latin phrase it is a spiritual practice that is pretty neat, look it up), silence until noon the next day (that meant silence during group gatherings to eat food, more. spiritual formation/lectio divina, silence until 6, dinner, last spiritual formation/lectio divina, departure. In all of that, we as a group spent collectively 21 hours in silence. of course a healthy 8 hours (for some of us 12 hours) of this was dedicated to sleeping, but even still 9-13 hours of silence??? that is a pretty long time to “shut your yap” as we say in the ol’ Kansas territory. You might even be thinking, “that sounds literally awful, I would never want to do that.” In case I guessed right, let me offer you my experience in hopes that the rich discipline of silence/solitude doesn’t get dismissed so easily. I, as a person absolutely hate having to be alone. I was the guy in college who always tried to make someone go with me to the grocery store so I didn’t have to go alone. Honestly not just the grocery store but any errand I would have to run, I would pray that someone would go with me so I didn’t have to be by myself wandering about (it just makes things more fun when someone else is with you and also you don’t have to encounter that weird passing feeling of loneliness so that too). That being said, silence and solitude for me has been something I don’t really want to spend time in. That was very true until this year.
This year has been a year of a lot of growth and a lot of time alone. We as fellows, really need a few hours here and there to just recharge because we are constantly doing things every week. For me, I have a 30 minute car ride to work in the morning and from work in the evening. This has become one of my favorite rhythms of my week. The thing about solitude/silence, is that you really aren’t alone. The whole point of the discipline is to shut up so that you can stop making God have to shut up. Think about that, think about God trying to get a word in but you are too busy talking. Weird, right? An author I have been reading this year said in terms of solitude, “One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes us feel helpless. We are accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let him take control until we trust him. Silence is intimately related to trust… One of the fruits of silence is to let God be our justifier.” How was reading that? Weird, right? Think about how many words we expend to try and justify ourselves or to try and take control because we don’t trust that the end outcome we want will happen unless we explicitly say everything we think we need to say. In reality, God is our justifier and he is in ultimate control. Everything on this Earth is His, and everything that we have is a gift from Him. None of our words could lessen or further that.
During my 9-13 hours of silence, I did a lot of things. I took a fat nap (or some may say a phat nap), I played silent chess with my fiend Neil, I toured the retreat center (there were a few trails), I contemplated on the 13 stations of the cross, I exercised, I read an entire C.S. Lewis book, and most importantly, I reorientated. If I were you reading this, I would say “What does that even mean? You reorientated? Like are you saying that you just shifted your positioning?” I just shift my positioning a few times, but that is not what I mean. Extended silence is weird because you can’t really escape from the things that are at the forefront of your mind. No matter how much you move on from them, the thoughts that really have a grip on you just keep coming back around. This at least was my experience. I think only in extended silence can you really identify these things and give them the value they deserve. As humans, we all know anxiety. We all know worry. We all know that feeling of knowing something should change, but not having the capacity to enact it. I think silence, in a way, pushes us to address these things. I mean we can’t run away from them so we might as well deal with them. The key in all of this too is that we recognize in the silence our savior’s presence. In fact further than recognize, we look, like with binoculars, for His presence. We understand that we are feeble creatures and that we need Him. How great it is when we recognize this. How happy our Father must be when we come to Him worried, ashamed, lacking capacity to move forward, etc. How happy our Father must be to be our great counselor in the process of cleansing us of these things.
You ever think about how weird it is to say “I heard God today in this” when, in fact, we can’t hear God at all? The omnipotent King we hear from doesn’t need words to speak. The Holy Spirit is always with us, and our heart knows when He is speaking. It is something unexplainable, but you just know.
In my time of silence-better spoken, in my time with God-I wrote down a few things that I could not stop thinking about. Although it is super corny, I titled the collection of these things “the standards of my heart”. These things were born out of facing the anxieties I could not stop facing during my silence. The standards are as follows:
Nothing is mine, it all belongs to Him, the creator.
When I know I’ve done something wrong, I should own it, expose it, and then ask for forgiveness.
Let God Carry the weight (emotional, mental, physical, spiritual baggage).
Look for and enjoy the beauty he has created.
Take time for myself (silence/solitude).
Invite the hand of the Lord into the present.
Know my own limitations (sometimes I fail and that’s okay).
Appreciate my emotions, do not shut them out.
Dream with the Lord
Seek community and go deep
This is kind of what I was talking about when I said “reorientation of my self”. Also, you ever think about how weird it is that most lists end in 10? Like “here is my top 10 __”. I swear I didn’t force myself to have 10, it just kind of happened.
Anyways y’all, silence is important. It allows for a time of processing and idea creation with the Lord that just simply wouldn’t be possible in any other setting than silent with Him. It is my prayer that you would seek it out in some form. Whether it be not listening to music in the car on the way to and from things every now and again or just taking an extra 5 minutes in the shower to be still (these are my main ways of seeking silence), I just encourage you to seek out some margin! Well, it has been so real. Until the next blog.
May He Bless Your Month,
Alec
We are now in the month of April so it feels like a good time to reflect on March. Let me begin completely off topic by discussing something extremely important to me. Today, April 1st, is the first day of Wrestlemania, the greatest two day event in all of sports entertainment. Will Cody Rhodes defeat the reigning, defending, undisputed WWE universal champion and head of the table, Roman Reigns? Will the tag team of old friends Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens defeat Jey and Jimmy Uso for the undisputed tag team championship belts? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. This is a great segue *wink* *wink* into what the Lord taught me (and is still teaching me) in the month of March.
Some of my favorite fellows-y events in March included but were not limited to: tutoring time at Neighbor to Neighbor with Amare, working at Compass Surgical Partners, and the silent retreat at the end of the month. Tutoring at Neighbor to Neighbor is always a highlight of my week. Amare is such a good student and spending time with him brings me joy. He is learning about addition and subtraction, and I fear he might be better than me. He goes on the funniest tangents about WWE and Spiderman. Sometimes it’s hard for both of us to stay on task (haha). Amare’s joy is infectious! Working at Compass was another highlight of March. I am really thankful for the opportunity I’ve had to work there and for all of the people that I’ve gotten to meet. As I transition from Compass to a position on Young Life staff I will certainly take some of the lessons I have learned about how to communicate in the workplace, stay organized, be on-task, and productive. A big shout-out and THANK YOU to Jestine Nordstrom for all of the wisdom she has shared with me this year at Compass about how to thrive in the workplace. Now, we get to the silent retreat. I truly loved the silent retreat. Similar to how we will have to wait and see what happens at Wrestlemania, I believe that this is a time where God is calling me to seek him out, listen to him, and wait and see what he has in store over the next three years. The silent retreat was a special time where I simply received what God had to offer me. He offered me rest, hope, and joy. I rested physically in a way that I haven’t in a long time. I believe that great physical rest was from God. Additionally, God offered me hope in him. As I change scenery and find myself in Asheville with a laundry list of new experiences awaiting me, God offered me a charge to hope in him and in his goodness. I also experienced joy on the retreat as I sifted through the trails and spent time in so many of the beautiful spaces that the retreat center had to offer.
Well… unfortunately we are getting close to the end of a fellows year rich with laughter, learning, and growth. Here’s to the final months of what has been a great ride so far!
Matt
March was another exciting month to be a part of the Raleigh Fellows. The beginning of March was when our genogram papers were due, which was a project for our family systems class. Writing the genogram paper was a wonderful experience for me, as I got to interview all of my family members and ask them questions their immediate families when they were kids. This experience was fascinating, and I learned a lot about my family that I likely would have never known otherwise. I really enjoyed our family systems class, and writing the genogram paper was my favorite part of the class. During March we had small group breakout as a part of student ministry at Apostles. Me and the other six grade boys leaders took the kids bowling, and it was an absolute blast. It was fun to able to interact with the kids outside of our normal environment and I think they had a great time bowling. During March, we also wrote our 360 reviews, which are anonymous reviews that we wrote about each of the other fellows. We wrote about everyone’s strengths and also areas where we think they grow. Each fellow then met with Ashley, and she read us the thoughts that others have about us. I was pretty nervous about doing this, and it was not something that I really wanted to do. I think at this point I should just trust everything Ashley does at face value because it ended up being another really good experience that taught me a lot. It was really cool to hear that kind of honest feedback from people that I have spent so much time with. Their words gave me a lot to think about, and I think I will be able to grow as a result. We finished the month with our silent retreat which was led by Mary Young at took place at St. Francis prayer center. The facility at St. Francis is great and there is much beauty to see at their center. The retreat was a great opportunity to experience calm and to think inwards. It was a great time to be prayerful and to appreciate God’s creation. I can’t believe that April is our last full month as fellows, but I know that we can make it our best month yet.
Long time no see! March has been an interesting month filled with many highs and lows. Probably the biggest highlight of March was our silent retreat we had last weekend. I really didn’t know what to expect going into the retreat, but I was surprised by how great it actually was. While there really wasn’t anything big that I felt God had revealed to me, I found that my time in silence to be very energizing and rewarding. I was worried at first at how I was going to fill my time, but found that all my preplanning was for nothing as the time in silence seemed to fly-by. Overall, it was an experience unlike any other I’ve had before and I’m looking forward to see how God will use this final month of Fellows!
IMA
Hello to all my blog readers! Somehow March is over and it’s April. You know what they say– time flies!
A lot happened this month. There’s a lot I could talk about. But something that is fresh on my mind and that is definitely worth highlighting is our silent retreat that took place last weekend.
Coming into the silent retreat, I was kind of an emotional wreck. With the end of fellows on the horizon and decisions about the future that need to be made, I was feeling overwhelmed and tired. I wasn’t sure what the silent retreat would hold for me… maybe in the silence I would hear from God about what He wanted for the future. Or maybe I could at least get some rest. But either way, I was headed into a weekend of silence while also feeling emotionally exhausted.
The silent retreat was beautiful. The space was gorgeous, the content was wonderful (shoutout to Mary Young!), and I truly felt like I was able to sit with my Father in peace. We began our silence on Saturday night after dinner. We had to be silent all the way through breakfast the next morning! And shortly after breakfast on Sunday, our silence continued until dinner that night. During my silence, I spent a lot of my time in prayer and just walking around. I was able to walk through the stations of the cross, which is a really special way to observe all that happened to Jesus leading up to his death on the cross. As I walked from station to station, I felt like I was walking with Jesus on his journey. I journaled and read and sat; it was so quiet and just really good.
And no, I didn’t receive a vision from God about clear next steps about my future. But I think I took away something even more important than that. Throughout the whole weekend, I could feel God’s presence. I could hear Him saying to me,
“Emily, there is nowhere that you can go that I have not already been. I go before you,
and I am with you.”
As I walked the stations of the cross, as I read in Scripture about His death, I was reminded that Jesus died for me, that He did all of it because He loves me. My God delights in me and is pleased with me and there is nowhere I could go where that would be untrue. This silent retreat was the place where I could be reminded of all of this. It seems kind of simple, but to me it was so refreshing to hear this from the Lord. It’s allowing me to see more clearly and feel confident in the decisions I need to make!
At the beginning of the weekend, Mary read us a short book called God is in the Silence. And even though it’s a children’s book, I am learning that it’s so true… God is in the silence. I hear God more clearly when I strip all the other distractions away. And so I’m hoping to add a little more silence to my life because it’s truly where the Lord is!
Well blog, that’s it for now. Here’s to being more silent! And here’s to the last full month of fellows! How in the world did we get here?!
Peace and blessings,
Emily💗
Spring has sprung, and my allergies are in full SWING! March has been full of so many fun events like two friends got married, host-sister Anna turned the big ONE years old, we road-tripped to the ACC Basketball tournament where Clemson had its short reign of being a basketball school, and Janie, Trey, and I went to our friend Emily’s SPENGA (spin + strength + yoga) class! See pics below for all the fun moments of this month. We also ventured back to Greensboro this month for a sweet silent retreat. So many March moments and only some madness, but this month, I’m most thankful for the moments spent with my host family!
Last roundtable, Ashley asked us, “What is one ✨Fellows Rhythm✨ that you’re really thankful for or loving right now?”
Well (drum roll please)....I’m really loving the rhythm of family dinners on Tuesday which looks like playing with Anna before she goes to bed, having family dinner with Nick and Meg, and then all watching some movie or show. I can’t ever pinpoint what genre it will be either because we watch such a diverse selection. We went from a 90’s kick with a Harrison Ford movie to watching a new Netflix spy series this week. All of this to say, I love the quality time I get to have with my host family.
Coming into Fellows, I wrote that I was nervous about the host family side of it because it was the part of the program I knew the least about.
Job- ya expected.
Classes- cool, I’m in college and know what that’s like.
Roundtable and Fellows- I’ve been in Christian communities similar.
But Host Family, who or where am I living? I have roommates, but this feels different. I’m excited, but I want to know more of the details.
7 Months later, I’m here to say that my host family is one of my favorite parts of the program!
Living with the pastor and his family has given me the chance to ONE know who is teaching on Sunday. Growing up, I only knew my pastor when I went through confirmation, so for just those 7 weeks, we were tight. But now, I’m watching tv with my pastor and discussing post fellows plans. BIG DIFFERENCE. I know “who” rather than “about who” is speaking each Sunday. I see what is valued in the church and by our church leadership played out through the little interactions in the house. I see the normalcy and simplicity in it all. When I only knew of my pastor as the person on stage each Sunday, it was easy to lift them up on a pedestal and say my problems are too out there to bring to them. I would be very unlikely to go to someone on church staff because I didn’t have any connection with them. Instead, through Fellows and my host fam, I can see that I’m part of a deeper community within the church!
So TWO living with the pastor’s family has enriched my perspective of the church community. Church feels less of an obligation and more of a want to go because I get to see these people I’m doing life with- whether that means I only see them on Sunday or I see them throughout the week. I get to gather, laugh, and usually share lunch with some of them afterwards. This month I’ve reached out to more people outside of Fellows that go to Apostles because I can see this larger community surrounding us that I want to get to know as well. All of this makes me hopeful and PUMPED to continue to go to Apostles during this next season of life!
Lastly, THREE, living with my pastor has encouraged me to grow in my understanding of Jesus as a teacher that walked along people. I didn’t fully process that I was learning this until I was talking to my sweet friend Beth. The more we talked, I could see this clearer image of how Jesus was human, was a teacher IN the crowd, and was a teacher AMONG his friends. The disciples were literally walking alongside and living with Jesus. They saw how his actions matched his words. So, in a very real sense, I’ve been able to grasp how approachable and caring Jesus is as a teacher to his friends and children because I’ve seen it through Nick, Meg, and Anna’s (plus Kevin + Suzy…the dogs) lives together. For instance, Meg has taught me more about cooking and discernment this year. Anna has shown me joy in how we celebrate all she does. She’s a crawling master now and can stick out her tongue so quickly when you ask where it is. We’re still working on saying Mallory. Nick is always learning and asking how someone’s day was. There’s a genuine curiosity there. Kevin and Suzy can be crazy, fun, and crazy fun. All of that has pointed me back to Jesus and how he brings us altogether in times of discernment, celebration, learning, crazy and fun. He is a teacher that has gotten on our level and walked alongside us in the everyday life moments. What sticks out to me the most as I write this is that I haven’t learned this through any special or grand gesture done, but it has been through witnessing my host fam simply sharing their lives with me this year.
So, I’ll say it again…thanks so much for welcoming me into your lives and your home this year Comiskey Fam!!!
Derren and I have nicknamed the feeling that accompanies the first two months of the year: “the jan-febs.” The jan-febs ooze through every crack in your otherwise well-orchestrated life, freezing and thawing, making the cracks bigger and bigger, driving a wedge between you and your enchantment with the world.
As the latter half of the jan-febs, February is the final boss to be defeated before the bliss of springtime settles in, and I become reacquainted will all things good and lovely.
I. HATE. THE. MONTH. OF. FEBRUARY.
For one, it’s cold. But it isn’t snowflakes cozy cuddle sweater hot chai latte with almond milk let’s drive around and go look at Christmas lights-cold. The novelty has long worn off, and each day is a seemingly endless trudge into the gray, 35 degree void, where each day is the same and the sun makes her joyless departure promptly at 5 o’clock. It’s like something out of the Truman Show. I think. I’ve never seen it.
Another thing I hate about February is that it’s VALENTINE’S DAY. Love, marketed to the masses, as something to be won if you have just a little more money, use this makeup to become just a little more sexy, display your affection by making these grand gestures that will make you just a little bit more desirable. A capitalist scheme to pit us against each other in the name of comparison LOVE. A cheap substitute for the real thing. And we’re all buying into it.
Something about the whole month just feels OFF. My lips are dry and cracked. I’ve been wearing the same sweatshirt for like, four days. Everyone around me is calling out sick. My skin hasn’t seen the sun in what feels like years. It’s too cold to go for a walk, and on the occasion that it’s not, it’s so dreary outside that I end up feeling even WORSE than when I was inside. It’s the shortest month of the year, but I think it might never end.
Can I tell you a secret?
No, come closer, I don’t want everyone to know.
I didn’t hate February this year.
I didn’t hate it at all.
There were a lot of really cool moments in February. The girls went to Wilmington, TWICE. I got to meet so many cool women at Apostles and dang, I love this place! I spent a lot of time with my “host sister,” Risa. We celebrated Emily, Neil, and Matt. I ate so many hotdogs at the Cardinal. I planned my wedding. Beth Finneran invited us over to make Valentines, and BOOM: I don’t even hate Valentines Day anymore. I kind of love it.
We’re already on the rollercoaster. It’s not like we can get off now. The guy has already strapped us in, and he’s drinking a Diet Coke while the automatic voiceover about keeping your hands and feet inside the carriage is playing. I’ve realized that it’s just way more fun to enjoy the ride than sit there and complain about it. It’s not like anything I do can make it stop once it’s started.
At the risk of being cliche (a risk I’m willing to take, but JUST THIS ONCE), there’s something so poetic about February. Each year, after an all-too-long and bitter winter, spring comes without fail. You can’t earn springtime. You can’t do anything to make it come faster. Punxatawny Phil (I don’t know how to spell his name and don’t care to look it up) can’t ACTUALLY make it come six weeks earlier. And yet, when it does arrive, it’s the best thing ever. It’s such a gift. Only a God who is good would be able to command the sun to rise just a little earlier, and to linger a little longer at the end of the day for us to bask in its warmth. Springtime is the promise of renewal and revival, the earth awakens from its dormant slumber, and life is once again breathed into the world. It feels like I’m learning how to breathe again for the first time.
At our women’s retreat, the speaker, Beth, highlighted that waiting is a spiritual discipline. In 2 Peter 3:8-9, the Lord is described as long-suffering. He waits, for years, for generations, for his people to come to him. He waits for us to learn the lesson He’s taught us a thousand times already. As ones striving to be more like Christ, we too, must become long-suffering. The Israelites waited for the promise of the coming Messiah. We wait for him to return. And until then, we wait for the promise of springtime, too.
Spring just wouldn’t be the same without the pain of winter.
PGFWABF & XOXOXO
MADELYN
2 Peter 3:8(b)-9 With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is long-suffering, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
Well, Lent season is upon us! And I’ve never really practiced Lent before. I grew up in the Baptist tradition where we never really followed the church calendar (or at least if we did I was unaware of it??). But being in Christian circles for most of my life, I’ve always had a loose understanding of what Lent is… a time to give something up for self-improvement or for dieting purposes… right?
But this is the first time where I am actually practicing Lent and understanding what it really is. Lent isn’t so much about going on that sugar-free diet that I’ve been meaning to start, but it’s actually about letting go of whatever is twisting the desires of my heart away from the Lord. Lent ultimately is a reminder that apart from Christ we are nothing; truly, we are nothing. The season begins on Ash Wednesday, a day where the body of Christ comes together and is reminded of our mortality and our finite-ness. I was able to go to my very first Ash Wednesday service and it was a surreal and humbling experience. As I got up from my seat and made my way towards the front of the sanctuary, I remembered that I do the same thing every Sunday to receive communion. Except this time, instead of receiving the bread and wine, ashes were smeared on my forehead and I was told that I am dust, and to dust I shall return. Probably the most humbling thing I could ever hear.
So going back to the desires that are leading me away from the path of life. I wanted to give up something that would hurt, something that would be really challenging for me to walk away from, something that would allow me to rely on the Lord and look to Him for assurance and stability. As many of you may well know, I love social media. I love Instagram. I love TikTok. I love BeReal. I love sharing my life and I love how social media makes me feel connected to the friends who are no longer close to me geographically. And that’s not all bad! But for me, social media is a slippery slope. All the good things I like about social media and the good intentions I have can quickly turn to self-glorifying, self-consuming, and self-obsessive thoughts about how I am portrayed and how I measure up to others on these apps. And those thoughts and desires are not life-giving; they do not lead to Christ. And so, I decided to lay those things at the feet of Jesus. It’s been almost two weeks and I can honestly say that it has not been easy! I miss social media and the feeling of connectedness I had. But in those moments where I feel like something is missing, I want Jesus to fill that space. I try to pray in those moments and ask God to cleanse me from the inside out. Or maybe I’ll look at a piece of Scripture. I want to be reminded of God’s goodness constantly and that true joy and satisfaction can only come from Him.
And there are so many ways to feel connected without social media. During this lenten season, I also wanted to try to be more intentional with the people I care about by sending a text message or making a phone call. To me this feels even more personal than seeing a photo on Instagram. My prayer is that I will feel more connected during this season; connected to God and connected to the people He has given me, despite the loss of social media.
I will leave you with this blessing from Kate Bowler.
A Blessing as Lent Begins
Blessed are you, ready to open yourself to a new joy, a doorway that until now has been hidden.
In this culture of acquistion and gain, blessed are you who desire fresh ears to hear what might be a bit too loud. Who take the next step to turn it down a notch and make more space for God.
Who discipline yourself, with time, intention, and hope, anticipating God to show up in your discomfort. Trusting that when we need God, God promises to be there.
God, give me courage, give me strength, give me hunger for you. Let this set time of less be a chance for more of You.
Let this fast be an entrance into the discernment I desire, the divine presence I’m longing for, and the hope to will what You will, oh God, to be who You’ve called me to be.
— Kate Bowler, a blessing from Good Enough
May God bless our seasons of less!
Emily 💗💗
What’s up everybody!
February has come and gone and with it baseball has returned. Because of that, February is always one of my favorite months. You all should cheer hard for those Atlanta Braves this year! My birthday is also in February. I was born on leap day so my birthday isn’t on the calendar most of the time. I do appreciate the consistency of it occurring every four years. To make this blog fellows-y and about more than baseball and my non-existent birthday, I am going to give a blurb about why each fellow is cool to be around.
Alec: He is consistent in the way that he cares for other people and that is admirable! Friendship with him is fun (even though he is from Kansas), and I want to be as caring and intentional as he is someday.
Ian: Ian is hilarious. There is a period there because there is no doubt about it. Ian is insightful and encouraging and very pleasant to be around. He is cool because of his depth, insight and sense of humor!
Neil: Neil is a jack-of-all-trades kinda guy. He will tell a good joke, or have a good conversation, and he will even pick me up when the Wolfpack aren’t playing so well (unless it comes at the hands of the Clemson Tigers). Needless to say, he has that dog in him along with the other fellow dudes of Raleigh.
Linsey: Linsey is super kind and wears cool clothes. Someday I wish to have a style that’s cool and being friends with Linsey is getting me there one slow step at a time. You rock!
Mallory: Mallory is thoughtful and a good friend to everyone. It’s refreshing to have people in your life that care about you and are easy to be around, and Mallory is one of those people.
Emily: “I just wanna rock.” Emily says this a lot, and it’s true to who she is. She rocks out and helps people around her rock out! All we wanna do is rock and roll and Emily helps the fellows do just that.
Madelyn: Madelyn has this crazy energy that pumps up the people around her. She is easy to excite and will 100% do something crazy and fun on a whim, and she pulls other people into that!
Derren: Derrren is so so so funny. She is super wise and knows a lot of stuff. I don’t know a lot of stuff so Derren helps me know more stuff. Even though she joined us from the trenches of Chapel Hill, Derren is always there for a light or serious conversation and it’s fun to be with her in that.
Janie: Janie has by far and away the best music taste of the group. That is one of the highest compliments I can give. I don’t know what I would do if there wasn’t another fan of the Strokes in the group. Janie is also so creative and artistic in everything she does.
I hope this was encouraging for all of the fellows that read it and the people who stumble along this post as well. It’s a blessing to be in an awesome program with some awesome people.
Until next time,
Matt
February was another great month for me as a Raleigh fellow. One of the highlights was the first weekend of February when we went on the church-wide men’s retreat in Wrightsville Beach. I found this to be a great way to meet a lot of the guys in the church that I might not have met otherwise. I thought our speaker, Thomas Dixon, delivered a great message and I really enjoyed discussing his talks with our small groups afterwards. We started a few new classes in February: Christ in culture with Nick Comiskey, inductive bible study with Eric Bolash, and world view with Scott Steele. Nick’s class is very intellectual and has led me to doing a lot of reflection and has also led to a lot of great discussions in class. Eric’s class has been really cool for me as I have been learning how to simplify bible verses, and how to break them down so they are easier to understand. Scott’s class has been very interesting, as we are learning about how the lens we see the world affects how we see everything and everything we do. One of the highlights in February for me was my birthday, because the rest of the fellows community made me feel loved and appreciated. I also really enjoyed going to Friday morning fellowship, which is the bible study that my host dad, Bo Batchelder, is in charge of. This was a really cool way to learn about God’s word and to hear different perspectives from all around the world. February was another great month for me in this program, full of unique experiences. I can’t believe that there are only two months left, but that means that I have to try and make the most of the time I have left here.
The weather this past month, unreal. If only February could be like this every year. We have had so many 60+ degree days and it even reached 80 degrees last week, WILD. While the environmentalist in me is in fact worried, I have been LOVING IT. Not only have the literal flowers and trees started blooming, but I also feel like I have really started to bloom in Raleigh. I am feeling more excited and at peace with the idea of staying in Raleigh each day. That’s right, I am staying. Let the house hunt begin!
February felt like it was a month of non-stop celebrations and adventures. We had 3-ish fellows birthdays this month (shoutout to Emily, Neil, and birthday-less leap-year baby Matt). The gals went BIG for Emily’s birthday with an incredible weekend getaway to the sea to get well! Despite that being the one weekend with temperatures below freezing, we braved the icy wind and walked on the beach, soaking up every ounce of salty air and sunshine that we could. We also closed out the month back at the beach for our church women’s retreat (this time it was sunny and 75 with people out on the beach strolling, SUNBURNT, and SWIMMING (IN FEBRUARY PEOPLE). I was truly shook. Between our weekends at the beach, I had my parents come to town one weekend, and some JMU friends visit the other, so I have checked off almost all the tourist activities Raleigh has to offer - North Carolina Museum of Art, went inside the state capital building, walked the full length of downtown, showed my friends my favorite food and coffee spots, tried a new donut place, and went to THE NUT (the big acorn statue downtown that the fellows make sure to take all family and friends to upon visiting). It is always fun to see worlds collide as my college friends got to meet the fellows, my parents got to meet my host family, and they all got to see this great city I now get to call home!
While I am so grateful they all got to come visit this month, and I had an amazing time with our weekends at the beach, on a real note y’all, I am exhausted. I do not think there was a single day in February that I slept past 8:30 am and rarely did I go to bed before 11 pm. But God has been so gracious in his provision and care for me this month. It is bittersweet to know that the days of life looking like this are winding down fast. I wish I could press pause and stay right where I am a while longer. Keep living life alongside all ten of my fellow fellows. Keep going to Ashley’s house for roundtable every week. Keep the simplicity of a three day work week. This has been a season of abundant blessing and inner healing. Long and tiring days, yes, but when I finally lay my head down each night it is full of thankfulness for the things I get to do and be a part of here. This place is so special. The community we get the honor of being a part of is rich, vibrant, and full of the Spirit. I am absorbing as much of it as I can hold onto and cherishing the gift that it is.
One of my favorite artists, Chris Renzema, has a song that encapsulates a lot of what I have been feeling lately. The lyrics are:
“You're the living water
God, we thirst for you
The dry and the barren
Will flower and bloom
You're the sun that's shining
You restore my soul
The deeper you call us
Oh, the deeper we'll go
There has been so much sweetness in going from a place of thirsting to a place of blooming. God has been cleaning out areas of my heart that have cracks and holes of hurt and insecurity and restoring them to wholeness. Wholeness that comes from knowing his love and goodness. Knowing his care for me. Seeing him draw me to the light and fill me with his love. I feel like this year has been a season of healing and equipping. I am seeing my roots deepen and my life beginning to bud. I feel an excited anticipation for the flowers and fruit to come! (I’m realizing this blog is feeling a bit in conflict with the season of lent that just began, but I guess the resurrection came early for me this year.)
-Linsey
“The earth is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown bring eastward, springs —
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.”
Hey blog. Long time, no read. 2023 has been a whirlwind so far, but we all knew that Jordan year would have us busy. The ceiling is the roof after all. Cheers!
A few weeks ago it was my turn to lead a Roundtable discussion with the Fellows and our gracious hosts Sam and Ashley Crutchfield. We talked about liturgy and what it means to us and why we think it might matter. I learned so much from this conversation: they talked about the ways that liturgy can help us truly live into the story of the Gospel, encounter the living God, and train us in faith even when faith feels hard. I am so, so grateful to my fellow Fellows for engaging so thoughtfully on this topic that means a lot to me. I went away from our evening together feeling so encouraged by what they all had to say.
The first weekend in February, the six girls of the Raleigh Fellows program packed up and headed over to Wilmington, North Carolina to celebrate dearest Emily’s 23rd birthday! There’s something really special about the beach in the middle of winter—it’s empty and quiet and beautiful and you get to enjoy the beach for what it is, unassisted by the loveliness of a warm summer day. In true Louisa May Alcott fashion, we “went down to the quiet place, where [we] could live much in the open air, and let the fresh sea breezes blow a little color into [our] pale cheeks” (Little Women)—there truly is something internally healing about the beach; someone should do a study on this.
Lastly, it’s been such a gift to start new classes this semester. Every Monday, we have a double-header with the pastors of Apostles, starting with Nick’s class on the book How (Not) to Be Secular by James K.A. Smith, where we discuss all things fragmentation and haunting and cross-pressures. Big stuff (maybe don’t ask me about it? Kidding, maybe)! We finish off Mondays with Eric’s inductive Bible study class, where we learn to observe, interpret, and apply Scripture, practicing these skills by going through the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7. It’s been such a treat to learn from the other Fellows during this time, as Eric lets us take the reins a bit as we continue in the Sermon each class. On Fridays, we gather with Edward to learn about the New Testament—so great to revisit really familiar stories and ones I’ve spent less time reading, learning more and more about the person of Jesus (we’ve just gotten through the gospels). To the epistles we go!
February has reminded me so much that “the earth is charged with the grandeur of God”! May we all notice the reason why, as the narrator in the poem above does: suddenly startled (“ah!”) by the God who dwelled here with us and continues to do so through the Holy Spirit. I’m running headfirst into spring; I feel like God’s grandeur is quite easy for me to notice in the clear blue skies of an 80 degree day.
Warmly (literally, it’s 73 degrees right now),
Derren Lee
We’ve been listening to a lot of Sound of Music in my host family’s house- just ask Anna about Do Re Mi !!! So, I wrote my own version of “My Favorite Things” (Fellows Version). Julie Andrews, if you are reading this, hey! So glad you know about the Fellows program. Also, love your work. Feel free to sing the lyrics in bold in your free time. Could even be a Superbowl ad next year for TFI…
Walks on the beach and coffee in hands
The guy who sang “500 miles” must have been a fellow because we have walked many miles on the beach or around Raleigh this month! When people come to visit us in Raleigh and ask what we like to do, I’m always like well… we try a coffee shop and then walk. Maybe at the end of the program I’ll total up all the miles. Coffee walks have become the fellow ladies’ favorite pastime activity. It has been a great time to talk, process, and hangout with each other. Even when we went to the beach for Emily’s birthday at the beginning of this month, you could’ve found us on the shore walking in our puffer jackets. Then when we turned around. The wind was nailing us (plus it was 20 degrees outside), so our stroll on the beach turned into a run back to the car.
Superbowl wins and Galentine's plans
My host fam loves the Chiefs, and by association, I also celebrated this win! The Chiefs won the Superbowl! Everyone was decked head to toe in their chiefs’ gear that Sunday at church. We also had galentine’s events galore this month which is probs one of my fav valentine’s day traditions besides watching all the rom coms out there. Beth, who has consistently been there for us, hypes us up, and goes to Apostles, hosted a galentine’s party where we made valentines and chatted while enjoying a charcuterie board. Later that same week, we had Chipotle with our small group girlies. Everyone got all dressed up, and the boys even waited on our tables. It just felt like a week full of celebration!
Bright sunny days because it’s spring
I’m not sure if the groundhog saw his shadow or not, but I’m absolutely loving the shift in this weather we’re having. Spring fever is real…I even made a new playlist to celebrate. We've gone on more walks before round table since it’s actually LIGHT outside after we’re done with the workday. It was even so nice outside that we went to an outdoor hockey game altogether as a Fellows class! At the end of this month, we also went back to the beach for an Apostles’ Women’s Retreat. It was so warm that we could actually walk on the beach rather than run back. The retreat was a fun and a sweet way to see how big the body of Christ truly is. I’m also thankful for how intergenerational our church is. For instance, I was receiving advice from a few women in their 80s about being patient and what to expect in my 20s. I even got guidance on what to do when raising an emerging adult (which is way further away!!). Everyone, despite age or how long they had been at the church, had space to share and discuss with each other which is a cool sight to see. Many alumni fellows who have stayed were there at the retreat as well, so it was a hopeful time to see how this fellows community is lasting, big, and great at karaoke!
These are a few of my favorite things!
When My alarm goes off
When the pickleball stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!
Thanks, February, for being full of some of my favorite moments so far!!!
-xoxo Mal
P.S. Julia Andrews, can you confirm any plans for Princess Diaries 3?? We watched the second one for Emily’s birthday and we’re just curious. Thanks! Come visit the Raleigh Fellows anytime!
WHADDUP 2023!!!
Whew! January slayed. More professionally put, January was a really good month. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t really love the month of January. Not only is it painstakingly frigid, but the new year just kind of freaks me out. The thought of having 12 whole months ahead of me is daunting… What will the year hold??
But this January was different. This month and the material contained within equipped me with tools that I think set me up well for the year ahead. I got a glimpse into how I was intricately wired by my Creator, I gained some great insight on how to live a meaningful life, and I’m beginning to develop my own understanding of how my beliefs fit in with the broader culture in which I am immersed. Allow me to unpack that really long and wordy sentence.
At the world-renowned Vocation and Calling Retreat, we had the opportunity to meet Bruce, who shared his ideas about God’s calling on our lives and the biblical understanding of work. I met with Bruce for a one-on-one session to discuss my results of the three different assessments I had taken (The Highlands Ability Battery, EQI, Trumotivate). I won’t bore you with all the minute details of all the results, but I will say that it was awesome to piece together how God uniquely created me. God made me with special gifts and abilities and these gifts are meant to be used!! I was so encouraged by Bruce during our session. Through my results he affirmed me in my aspirations to become a speech language pathologist. He shared that my motivations and giftings align well with my career goals. It makes me so excited to pursue a career as a speech therapist! Bruce, if you’re reading this, you’re the best. Thanks for hyping me up.
This past weekend we had the privilege of learning from John Richmond at THE John Richmond Retreat (January was a retreat-heavy month 🫠). John shared with us his 10 rules for a meaningful life. He and his wife also shared with us some principles for spousal selection, but I’m going to have to put those in my pocket for another day because I’m not really in my “spousal selection” era.
Of all the rules John shared, my favorite were rules number 8 and 9: Be Generous and Happen to Your Life. Being generous means so much more than putting a 50 dollar bill in the offering plate at church. We can be generous with our time by being available. John told us to wander, to meander, to tarry… to be available. This can look like freeing up my schedule to go grab a coffee with a friend who just needs to be heard. It also means giving those around me my full attention (John refers to this as “giving people my five senses”) so that I can be fully present with them. We can also make generous assumptions about people’s motives. Instead of assuming the worst in my coworker’s abrupt text message, I can be generous by choosing to believe that maybe they received some hard news or are just having a bad day. Being generous is cool!
Rule #9 is Happen to Your Life. I’ve heard this phrase before but more in a cliche type of way. But after hearing from John, I think there’s more to it than that. We happen to our life when we let go of control. We can’t control what happens to us, but we do get to decide how to respond. I’m thinking about this in the context of my plans for next year. I plan to go to graduate school, but will I get into the places I apply? What if I have to move far away from the people I love? What if I don’t get into my top choice school? These are fears of mine because they are out of my control. But I can rest assured that the Lord brought me here to Raleigh to bring glory to His name and He can just as well plop me somewhere else. And He will still be God. And He will still be glorified. AND the good news is that I have control over my attitude towards potentially living somewhere new (or maybe staying in Raleigh…). I’m learning how to happen to my life by being okay with not knowing. It’s a good place to be.
And finally, I’m really enjoying our class called Christ and Culture taught by our senior pastor, Nick Comiskey. So far we have been defining what it means to be “secular” and how our understanding of Christianity fits into the secular world in which we live. The class is essentially framed around these questions: How is that 500 years ago, unbelief in God was almost impossible, while today believing in God is uncommon and contrary? How did this change happen? We’ve talked some about the idea of a “God-shaped hole.” Many times Christians understand non-believers as people who feel like they lack meaning or purpose; they have a God shaped hole in their hearts. And while this may be true for some, we live in a culture where many people don’t feel like they are lacking; they live seemingly purpose-filled lives without knowing Jesus. To be secular today means to believe that Christianity is only one of many options to live a meaningful life. So the question is, how do we live out and share the gospel in our postmodern culture? Where does Jesus fit into all of this? These are questions we are working through in class and ones that I’m figuring out for myself. But it’s super “heady” stuff and it’s challenging for me! I love it!
Well, that’s it for now. Today is my last day of being 22 so in honor of that I will leave you with these lyrics that have absolutely nothing to do with anything I have just said but have everything to do with being 22:
We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time,
It’s miserable and magical,
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the deadlines
It’s time,
I don’t know about you,
But I’m feeling 22.
- Taylor Swift, 22
Bye for now, talk to yall when i’m twenty-three 👋👋👋
Peace and Blessings,
Emily
If you haven’t read my December post, scroll down and read that one first!!
My past is haunted by who I could have been, and my future is haunted by who I am yet to be.
I came into my fellows year with no idea what I wanted to do, but with a pretty clear idea of who I wanted to be. I figured that if I knew where I found my identity, that certainly with a little bit of time and introspection, I’d leave this year with a clear path to my ideal vocational calling. Five-ish months in, and I am less confident than ever that I could possibly know what I want to do with my life. I see a hundred different futures for myself played out in my mind. It isn’t just aspiration; it’s something deeper. My conscience is plagued by the ghosts of my potential. I’m afflicted by the idea of all that could be, and all that won’t. In a word, I’m haunted. Dramatic I suppose, but it’s something that takes up more than its fair share of my mental real estate.
*enter Bruce, stage left*
Bruce led our mid-year fellows retreat, which coincidentally enough, was all about … you guessed it: ability, vocation, and calling! We spent the week learning about our natural skills and abilities, our emotional IQ, and (in my opinion) most importantly, our inner motivations that drive us to do the things we do. Bruce met with each of us individually to discuss career plans, relationships, and how to live out our own purpose-driven lives. In this time, he affirmed something in me that I’d been long suspicious of: perhaps there isn’t one path. Maybe, just maybe, I could spend my life doing a hundred different things, that there are a hundred different versions of me out there that I get the privilege of discovering.
God created us in His image. Like Him, we are multifaceted creatures. His likeness manifests differently in each of us.
I’m walking into 2023 (is that really what year this is? Sounds made up to me) more confident than ever that my future is in His hands. When the elusive “what are you doing after fellows?” comes knocking at the door with ever more ferocity, I can stand with confidence in the “I have no idea.” And I’m okay with it. I’m like, really, really okay with it. I will not miss out on what is for me. I will certainly not miss out on meeting the woman He has created me to be.
So what changed? My attitude. Nothing more, nothing less.
Cheers to 2023, and cheers to more “I have no idea”s
PGFWABF
MADELYN
I held out on writing my December blog post because I just wasn’t feeling ~inspired~ enough. In the chaos that is all too characteristic of this age, by the time I finally did feel a spark of inspiration, my computer was in California, being repaired at the Apple factory (or headquarters?? Or… something?). So here we are. At the advent of a new year, with nothing to report.
Because of this, my December post and my January post will be its own little anthology, a two-part collection of separate yet complimentary pieces. These were written together, and are intended to be enjoyed as such.
The month of January is named for the Roman god Janus, which is a piece of lore I had learned in my 6th grade Latin class, then promptly forgotten. I was lucky enough to be reminded of this fact by Bruce, our mid-year retreat facilitator (and so much more!). But we’re not at that point of the story yet. In Latin, the word janus also means doorway. “Capital J” Janus is the deity who oversees beginnings and endings, transitions and time. He is believed to have two faces: the face of a young man looking forward, and the face of an old man looking back. It is from this Janus that we derive the word “January.” It is from this lens that I will attempt to reflect on this past year and the year to come.
I am the oldest I have ever been and the youngest I will ever be.
I’m already 22??? Sometimes I see groups of middle schoolers wreaking havoc at a Target or something, and think “oh, that was me two years ago.” And hours later, I’ll still be thinking about it, only to realize that this was in fact me, TEN years ago. At the same time, I find myself at work, and I know Nothing. They probably don’t trust me with Anything. I’m the butt of all the jokes about being “the baby” of the office. There’s so much still for me to learn, and so much life left to live. I’m only 22???
I have this journal called “one line a day,” and that’s exactly what it is. I write one line, every day, for five years. I’ve had it for about a year now, and while it’s cute to look back and see what I was doing each day, it’s real intrigue is in the story it tells not by the day, but by the year. I thought I was happy last year. And I probably was. But it pales in comparison to the exuberance and lust I have for life now. My relationships were sweet last year, but fade into the background against the fullness of love that has infiltrated every corner of my world now. Not a day passes apart from the backdrop of God’s goodness – it’s colored everything.
The real intrigue of spiritual healing is that “slow work is fast to God.” I don’t remember who told me that (Mary Ellen? David Spickard?), but I think about it every single day when I write in my journal. We don’t get to see our healing in the day to day, but in the years we get to see that He is doing a new thing in us.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Madelyn