I remember arriving in Raleigh full of excitement, hopeful for answers, and expectant in how the Lord would work in my life. But even in the beginning I was dreaming about the end. Who would I be? What would be important to me? What impact would I have? I was so focused on getting to the end because at the the end lied answers and a clear path. But now that we are here, the mystery of the future still lingers and I am still asking those same questions. If the last nine months have taught me anything is that I will never stop asking myself those questions and I never should.
As we begin the process of reflection on fellows, there is so much to be said, emotions to be felt, and moments of stillness to be embraced. What sticks out the most is the word gentleness. Throughout fellows I found myself continually asking the Lord to soften my heart to myself, to others, and to the world. That I would see the beauty in the way He created me and how he delights in who He made me to be. When I am caught up in the pursuit of more, that I would not miss the beauty of where I am at and being a broken creation of the Lord. That I would not be afraid to dream in fear of those longings and desires not being fulfilled.
This spirit of gentleness that I prayed for is now slowly taking over my heart and mind, it feels like chains breaking free!!! I now find myself dreaming of the family I hope to have one day. Dreaming of a house that is open and inviting, a space where people of all walks of life can gather. Where my kids are running around smiling, laughing, learning, and knowing the love of God every day. The beauty in the freedom to dream is so sweet and a gift from the Lord. He knows my future kids by name, their little quirks that will make them unique, and burdens they will bear. To think He already knows people that I will come to love so deeply and unconditionally is a reminder to me of His grandeur and vastness. Nine months ago I would never have allowed myself to put words to these dreams and how freeing and joyful it is to know that these words are a work of his hands!!
No words will ever be able to express my gratitude for the last nine months. The sacrifices and acts of service made by others to care for me when I was undeserving. This fellows community is a clear picture of Christ and his unconditional love. That even in our brokenness, we get to live this beautiful life in communion with one another, with a Father who yearns for our hearts daily - how did we get so lucky?!!
Who knows what the next months and years will hold, but how comforting it is to know that He is guiding my every step, walking hand in hand alongside me as He says, “Sara, follow me into the mystery”
— Sara