Tidbits from class - the Morgan edit

We’ve learned so much in our classes… and I feel like I’ve done a terrible job of really taking in what we talk about. In some ways, it’s felt pretty overwhelming to process, like a separate step I have to take after having so many deep conversations throughout the week whether that’s in class, debriefing together in the car on the way home, with my host family, roundtable… you get my point. A lot of what I’m learning I hope will be applicable well into the next season of my life, whatever that looks like, but it starts now too. Something one of our teachers encouraged us to do is to write something that can sum up what we got out of class that day and stick with that. AKA start small, plant it, and foster growth from there. That’s what I’m trying to do.

From Mary - Spiritual Formation/Soul Care:

• Show up with all of who I am and pay attention!

• Christ’s example of solitude looked like slowing down and staying with

• Shift our reading to allow ourselves to be open to the mystery of God making something out of nothing

From Jason - Family Systems Theory:

• “Humans are the only creatures that THINK they can be themselves.” This is an illusion of course. I can only be me.

• ‘Were you there? Were you there when I created heaven and earth?’ - The Lord to us

• I will never fully be known by others and I will never fully know others (only God will). Hold my understanding of another very loosely and don’t make assumptions based on what I do know.

• Show up, pay attention, tell the truth

From Aaron - Old Testament:

• Look for the Messiah

• You cannot out-sin God’s grace and you can never take God by surprise.

• Why do I see sin as so small that it feels like God is unjust? God is HOLY x3

From Aaron - Race and the Church:

• Radical honesty is usually the antidote for guilt

• Guilt and shame is used by Satan so we don’t help our neighbor… move into lament and grief and sit in the sadness - but that doesn’t excuse us from ACTION.

• Just notice things, look and see and pay attention 

• The goal of hard conversations is to make my feelings heard and let others deal with the weight of how I feel (WOW). 

“My greatest testimony to the world is how I see myself.” 

There you have it, some bits and pieces of our classes from my notes! These are the things I’ve starred, underlined, written ‘holy crap’ next to (except maybe a different word than crap) because it's scary accurate for me. If you’re not a fellow reading, this kinda feels like cheating but as Aaron Gann would say, hey “this is for free.” So, you’re welcome.

• morgan

Groundhog Day (1993)

One of the greatest times of my life was the spring semester of my sophomore year at Clemson. There were a plethora of reasons for this, but the most memorable one is Movie Pass. For those that don’t know, Movie Pass was a company that charged just $9.99 a month to see any movie at any time at any theater. It was funded by venture capitalists and was in no way profitable because of people like me. There were so many modifications to the service that it was basically useless by the end of the year.

A group of my friends all got Movie Pass right at the beginning of the semester, and absolutely abused the service. The day I got it, I went to an 11 pm showing of The Post, which is an absolute snooze fest, by myself at the Seneca Premiere 8. Not a soul in the theater but me. That night started the first of several runs where I would see a movie every night. Every day of the semester was pretty much the same day, just deciding which movie to see that night. This allowed me to see all of the Best Picture Oscar Nominees, but also some real stinkers. Allow me to list some of the awful movies I saw just because I could.

Forever My Girl, Winchester, Rampage, Truth or Dare, The Commuter, I Feel Pretty, Traffik. These are some of the lowest-rated movies I have on my big movie rankings sheet. Absolutely terrible.

I had absolutely no need to watch any of these movies, but I did simply because there was little to no risk involved. If I saw one movie a month it would have been worth the money! Ultimately I think I saw somewhere between 55-60 movies (along with several repeats) using Movie Pass in 2018. It was fun to share those experiences with my friend group at the time, and it was 100% worth the inevitable decline in my school performance.

To close, here are my top 5 movies from that year:

First Reformed, Eighth Grade, Mission Impossible: Fallout, BlacKkKlansman, Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse

Cheers,

Cam

P.S. I implore you to remove all wise men from your nativity scenes and sets this Christmas season, considering they were nowhere near Bethlehem for the birth of Christ. There were also more than three of them! This is a hill I will die on.

a poem but all the words are lyrics from songs i like

I tried to be clever

I tried to hide

Everything is easy

Everything is good

But it was all on the surface

Treading muddy waters

Screaming “can You hold me up?”

“Are You still holding on?”

I don’t know how to open all up

Maybe I should’ve but i never did

All I could do then was stare at the floor

So I just keep moving

But I can’t move on

I guess thats why I stay the same

Holding back tears

though it’s coming at me

like a tidal wave

And I’ve been holding my breath,

praying,

come again

i hope You stay

i won’t run

if You’ll have me still

Yet You look at me,

            Soft, gentle, brilliant,

And I don’t know why.

I’m hardly listening

though You’re always calling

hoping Your love might be discovered

saying

            I haven’t left

            And I haven’t tried

            And you’ll never

            fall

            outside my love

monthly music recommendations: all there is by gregory alan isakov, hit em where it hurts by pawpaw rod, girl from the north country by bob dylan, older now (it hurts) by field medic, paper mâché world by matilda mann, gold and green by slaughter beach

—jen kunin

#Blessed (An Attempt at Writing a Blessing)

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I am left with a mix of emotions, primarily—and as is fitting for the holiday—profound gratitude. Driving back to Raleigh after being home for the holiday, I was sad to leave my family and friends from home, but I was also excited to come back. I was struck, for a moment, what a gift that is that I have a community I miss and want to come back to. The people here are good. This place is good. God is good. And I’m grateful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of blessing recently. For our Family Systems Theory class, we’re reading John O’Donohue’s To Bless The Space Between Us, a beautiful little book of blessings. O’Donohue calls a blessing “a gracious invocation where the human heart pleads with the divine heart” and “direct address, driven by intimacy.” I found his definitions powerful and enlightening

As a self-proclaimed words of affirmation h03 (haha trying to keep my blogs clean-ish!), I, of course, am drawn to blessing. But, love languages aside, in light of O’Donohue’s understanding of blessing, we all are. We all yearn to be seen, loved, valued, and known. We also yearn for intimacy, for connection with ourselves, each other, and with God. A blessing, as I understand it, is an attempt to put words to love, to speak belonging into being. It is a warm hug, a reminder that each of us has a place in this messy, often ungracious, and beautiful world we live in. 

So I thought this month I would attempt to write a blessing myself. It is meant to be both universal and particular: universally, it is a blessing of belonging, of self-acceptance, and love. Particularly, it is a blessing for my Fellows class. A couple weeks ago at Round Table, we all talked about the toxic identities and self-narratives we can slip into, and the truths about us that God wants to tell us in His compassion and care. So I included words and ideas from each of the Fellows’ struggles with self-identity and their moves into love and acceptance. Get out your handkerchiefs, people. Just kidding. But it may be cheesy or weird so here’s your warning. This is a blessing for those who have blessed me (aka Raleigh Fellows + Ashley) <3:

On the day when

The lies and burdens 

Break your bones

And stifle your Spirit,

May you look up to the Heavens

And call on your Creator. 

When you feel people putting up those familiar cold hard bars around you,

Caging you in with their characterizations and confusion,

May the Lord unclasp the lock 

And bring you to an open space.

May you be seen exactly as you are,

And may you be held there by your Father.

When you feel yourself close off,

May the Lord unfasten your folded arms.

May you have the strength to trust again,

Or, perhaps, for the first time.

When you feel undesirable, unloveable, unknown or even unknowable, 

May the Lord remove your blinds,

And reveal to you your own breathtaking and bewildering beauty.

For you were chosen before time with purpose and love.

He knows every hair on your head, 

And every concern that crinkles your forehead,

Every delectable and dangerous dream you dare not speak,

And every scar that mars your body or spirit.

May you hear your ever-doting Father tell you:

‘You are not invisible,

But absolutely irreplaceable, my love.

You are not forgettable,

But unequivocally memorable to me.’

You are neither “too much”

Nor “not enough,”

But perfectly plenty.

You are not uniquely broken,

Nor especially difficult,

But a child God is proud to call His beloved.

May God draw you in from the outskirts and the darkness,

And lead you into the Light.

May the Light expose you—

Not to shame you, but to free you.

May you know that you are fully seen,

And yet fully loved. 

Let Grace wash gently over you,

And carry you away into its eternal sea.

May you be overwhelmed by the Father’s abiding affection,

And lose yourself in the depths of His cavernous compassion.

May you stop your never-ceasing striving,

Even for just a moment,

For in the pause and the surrender,

You will find His perfect peace.

May you come down off that treacherous tightrope,

And fall into His ethereal embrace.

May you dance without fear,

And hope with reckless abandon. 

May this be the day when you know

Your bones are not so brittle after all,

Your spirit is strong.

May you look up to the Heavens, 

And out to the Community around you,

And know you belong here. 

Yes, you are wild - and loved more wildly still.

— Sarah

The Person/Story Behind The Opinion

I want to be careful as I start writing this not to give the impression that I’m up on my soapbox talking down at you. If anything this is the internal conversation that I’ve found myself having constantly lately as chief among the guilty. Also only about 10-15 people will read this anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter too much. So what am I guilty of? It’s hearing an opinion that I disagree with (often in a more hot button arena) and immediately finding myself in anger or debate mode. Ready to tell the person, tv personality, or blog writer why what they are saying is wrong, short sighted, ignorant, uneducated, etc. 

This is so easy to do! It’s what the culture does, why shouldn’t we? Oh, because if we call ourselves followers of Jesus then we should look to His model. It doesn’t take long to look at scripture and realize when people said the hot button statement or asked the piercing question of Jesus He never responded with fighting or debating words. The most impressive thing, to me, is how Jesus always saw the person behind the statement. 

We are so good at this sometimes. It’s really easy when you already know someone. Take an example of a close friend who went to a rival school. When a friend who is a UNC fan says an ignorant statement like “Sam Howell (the UNC quarterback) is the best in the ACC” I can give him a break because I know them and their story. They were unfortunate to grow up in a house that brainwashed them to that lack of reason so I can give them a break. This is a silly example but it still applies when a close friend or relative says something controversial about a more serious subject. We are able to give them the benefit of the doubt because we know them and their larger personality or story. 

So here is the challenge: As a follower of Jesus, when someone says the controversial thing, even someone we don’t know. See that there is humanity and a story that led them to that place. Rather than being immediately appalled or defensive, let’s give ourselves permission to hear from someone else. I don’t think our brains are going to rot if we give someone else the opportunity to explain themselves and their values. And the craziest thing is…. Even if they elaborate and you get to the end still thinking their opinions and values are too right, too left, too progressive, too conservative, too extreme, too reserved, too misinformed, too different. Peoples opinions and values don’t have a single damn thing to do with their value as a human. The Lord defined that so we don’t need to find ourselves concerned with making that judgment of peoples value.

Dear Lord, would you make us a people who see the person rather than the single action, value, or opinion. 

-Jeb

Trust Me

Here we are.  We made it to Thanksgiving, nearing the halfway point of fellows. I am finally feeling settled in a new place, with new routines, and new people.  There’s a sense of rest that comes with settling in, yet I can’t help but feel restless in anticipation of the end.  The end lacks structure, clarity, and a road map telling me where to go next and if I am honest the end feels overwhelming and all consuming. 

The last month my prayers have been focused on asking God to make a way and to provide clarity for life after fellows. The response to those prayers has felt silent and empty, but if I have learned anything in fellows so far, it is to listen.  That sometimes sitting and listening is far more important than having an answer or being quick to respond and I feel God doing just that for me. This all became tangible for me last Friday during our Spiritual Discipline class with Pauline.  She lead us through Immanuel time – a prayer time of stillness, visualization, and listening.  I struggled to stay focused and found myself having to reset many times.  However, in the last few minutes, Pauline asked us to listen for a word or phrase that God had for us.  I remember sitting there thinking “yeah sure God is just going to start speaking and I am going to hear a word in my head” – to say I was skeptical is an understatement.  To my surprise I heard him loud and clear.  “Trust me” just kept playing over and over in those few minutes, even when I tried to hear something different, His voice was deafening to my own.  

“Trust me” seems so simple - almost a prerequisite to Christianity – that we trust the Lord with all our hearts and all our minds.  I’m sure as many of us know, it is far easier said than done.  I realized over the last month that even though I was praying for God to give me clarity, I was really selfishly praying for Him to give me back control.  God does not call us to be idle as we wait for direction from Him, rather for and unyielding active pursuit of His kingdom. Something that made this so clear to me is a song by Needtobreathe called “Banks”.  I first heard the song this past summer on a road trip out west.  During that time the song didn’t hold the same meaning that it does now, but it always provided a feeling of security. It wasn’t until I really listened to the words that I heard God’s message for us all:  

I wanna hold you close but never hold you back
Just like the banks to the river
And if you ever feel like you are not enough
I'm gonna break all your mirrors
I wanna be there when the darkness closes in
To make the truth a little clearer
I wanna hold you close but never hold you back
I'll be the banks for your river

When I hear this song, I hear God’s promise.  He is my protector and my guide, He will steer my waters while giving me the freedom to flow.  There may be dams and rocks impeding my way, but He is always there to secure me just like the banks to a river.  I find great peace in the lyrics of this song, the imagery makes God’s promise feel tangible and all there is left to do is answer His simple yet humbling call, “Trust Me”.  

 Sara

wa wa wee wa

Hey guys, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. My last two blogs have been, well….. let’s just say heavy. Now heavy isn’t a bad thing, especially when it’s been me processing things. But my life here in Raleigh has been a lot more than just me being emo. So, in honor of turkey month and thankfulness, I figured I’d make this blog an introspection not of my turmoil, but the joy that Fellows has brought thus far! 

So without further ado, some of the highlights of Raleigh Fellows has given me through the month of November...

5:45 squad at Neighbor to Neighbor: 

Could you lift a car off a small child empowered purely by music? Austin, Brooke, Morgan and I can and we made a playlist so you can too. Follow “Morgan Phillips” on Spotify to give it a listen. So basically what we’re gonna do is tutor

Cameron:

King Cam had his birthday at our Micah 6:8 retreat. Discussed biblical perspectives on justice while also getting to celebrate Mr. Ritter. Genuinely one of the best guys I know. A weekend for the ages

Miscommunication:

Another picture from our Micah 6:8 retreat. I am 100% sure that Ashley told the guys to get on the girls’ backs but apparently it was the opposite. Maddie and I realized too late. Cameron laughed at us. I don’t blame him

Lunch dates:

Cameron brought Chick-Fil-A (three in a row cam, congrats alpha). It was tasty indeed

Richie brought Chick-Fil-A. It too was tasty indeed (didn’t save the picture without the text. Not my best look)

Airplanes: 

Mom and dad came to visit all the way from Arizona. They fed me and bought me a coat. For that reason and many others they are the best. I love them! 

Hot tubs:

Ashley informed us her hot tub had previously given her friends a rash. Rolled the dice. My emotional quotient report said I had low impulse control. This is true. Reeky teeky reeky teeky

I cannot say enough how incredible this experience has been thus far. True community, genuine joy, and daily mercies. Learning to be okay with where I am at and simply enjoy the goodness found in the Lord! Trying to take better stock of the moment to moment joys, like driving back from Camp Oak Hill with the windows down bumping tunes, or sitting by Lake Gaston confronted with Jesus saying he loves me. Happy Thanksgiving friends!

- Tommy

Poetry Who?

Read slowly***

I stand at the fence

and I long for the vast depth of the unknown

I stand at the fence I created within a place of comfort and ease

There are flowers, chairs, people, and yet with the kiss of the wind my heart still longs

Although full of laughter and joy this place I’ve created remains empty

I stand at the fence and long for the vast depth of the unknown

There is a gap in the fence and I venture through. Surrounded by trees and smells invigorating my soul and captivating my mind, as I enter into the vastness I longed for

Here I have lost my sight. Here the unknown screams deafening words in my ears, and I retreat once more to the safety of my fence

The fence that I created

I stand at the fence once more and long for the vast depth of the unknown

As I stand at the fence the kiss of the wind asks me; “Son, what do you want me to do for you?”

I can barely hear the question as birds clatter above me dropping pain, fears, and lies into the safety of my fence

I am once again distracted, overcome by my own desire to return the fenced area to its false sense of comfort where I am in control

The comfort is reached, and all is well again. The brush from wind’s kiss completely lost and forgotten

I stand at the fence once more, and long for the vast depth of the unknown

(Gentry W.)

I need to stop worrying About Time

It feels like just last week I wrote my first blog for September. The time is quickly flying by in this Fellows program. I think of 9 months as a very long time but already feel how we are already done with 2 months of that. I worry that before I know it, we’ll be in May. I think that means I am really enjoying my time and living it to the fullest. Even though I have felt more tired this month I have really tried to continue to do or participate in as much as possible. I have continued to grow closer to my host family, the Patels. Tuesday night dinners have been such a great change of pace each week. Also, everyone needs to see Alpesh in his Joe Exotic costume. I have also enjoyed all of our roundtables this month and the discussions we have had. We have had some deeper discussions that I really appreciated. I don’t think I would be so comfortable with these conversations even if they had happened just a couple months ago. As I have grown to know everyone and be closer with the group I kind of enjoy the conversations and appreciate them more. Another conversation we had with Edward, our New Testament teacher, was about Faith and Politics. I really enjoyed it. It was so great to hear with how turbulent and toxic the political climate has been I am so ready for the political ads to be over. I have also enjoyed my time with Raleigh friends. I have gotten to see my friends I grew up with, David and Hunter. We had dinner and just caught up on everything happening in our lives. My friends Will and Laura got engaged earlier this month. I got to see them (and Wanda) that night for their engagement party. It was great to see the pure happiness they both had about it. I got a taste of the fair one weekend when we went to get food. It was not the same as it normally is but better than not having it at all. October was great but I think the best time I had was Halloween night when most of the Fellows just came to the guys house and we sat around the fire. We talked for hours, taking turns on the hot seat and getting asked questions by the rest of the group. Maybe it was the fire but I just really enjoyed hearing everyone talk and answering some questions about myself. Then we watched About Time and it was a bit more emotional of a movie than I expected. In the movie, the protagonist can go back in time at any point he wants to potentially change his past. The protagonist uses this to help meet his wife and also to spend more time with his Dad (that part really hit me). At one point his Dad tells him how he could live each day twice, once for the genuine experience and then again to live it without worry. I want to live each day or week like that or just to seize each day. Even in the days that I just want to get home and go to sleep, I want to remember that this will be over so much sooner than I think. Don’t dwell on the insignificant stress and worry. I am so glad I am in this program and what it holds for me, I just want to ensure I enjoy every moment of it and not miss the little things that have so much beauty.

Trey Holsten

The 7 things I Love (hate) about Morgan

There is something unique about sharing a room with someone - an unspoken bond of sorts.  You grow to learn their routines and all of the little quirks in between. For these 9 months I have the burden...wait…sorry...the honor of sharing a room with Morgan.  She’s the first face I see in the morning and the last before bed.  In just two short months I have accumulated some thoughts/observations about what it is like to be roommates with Morgan:

1. Our mutual love for a box fan. Honestly this could have been a deal breaker for me - the white noise and air flow are essential  (if you are anti-box fan - check your heart) 

2. “Vibing” is now a part of my vocabulary 

3. By the end of these 9 months I am not sure if our room will look more like a bedroom or a plant store - check back in with me on that one 

4. “I don't understand how you had a life before you knew me. I just don’t get how that could be possible”.  - Morgan

5. We share an affinity for aggressive or maybe even borderline hurtful sarcasm.  (insert throw up sound)

6. Toothbrush talk - iykyk 

7. Most importantly: her sweet, gentle, and selfless spirit.  Even on my worst days,  Morgan can find a way to make me laugh, smile, and feel at peace and that is something I am grateful for.  

Here’s to 7 more months living within the same walls...maybe...just maybe I’ll like her by the end. 

Morgan’s roommate,

Sara

Might be a Pyromaniac

Alright, I did the thing you’re not supposed to do, I submitted my blog late. But I have an excuse. Last night (10/31) we had a bonfire for the fellows and while I should’ve been blogging I was sitting out by the fire. Sorry about that Ashley. There is something about a fire for me though, that I just want to be a part of, almost over anything. In my experience, as was true last night, a fire ends up leading to deep and unexpected conversation. It seems to give you permission to avoid eye contact as you gaze at the flames which must be some sort of truth serum based on how often deep conversations come up surrounding a fire.  

I probably started to appreciate fire early on in college when we would collect Christmas trees put out in January and create some pretty huge flames. Flames that would be more appropriate for the middle of a field, instead of a front yard in a Raleigh neighborhood. I’ll never forget those memories and waves that existed. By that I mean, there was always a first wave of people that built up this living thing from pine straw, to twigs, to sticks, and finally to some logs. That process usually only had a few people because there was no warmth yet, it was something that took time and effort. That first wave always brings a sense of accomplishment among the few, while it gives them permission to set the tone of conversation that ends up surrounding the fire. The second wave is the one that everyone takes part in, it's loud, overwhelming, crowded, etc. But then my favorite wave is the third wave. That’s when people get tired, go inside or go home and leave the few who are enjoying it most. In my experience that’s when there are no walls up between people, the truth serum is its strongest. 

I’ve been fortunate to travel out west to different national parks with many of my best friends. And maybe it’s the pyromaniac in me but coming back from a hike and sitting around the fire reflecting on the day might be the best part of the day. It’s a time that leads to laughter as we recount the days funniest jokes and circumstances. Often there is awe as we discuss the undeniable beauty of the piece of creation we got to experience that day. And as it always seems to go, there is some sort of introspection, that brings up conversations that for some reason just don’t seem to happen in another circumstance.

Here are some pics,

Jeb

Why oh, Why, Why, Why?

Volatile and Turbulent. Those are the two words I’d use to describe my October. Anyone who knows me well will tell you I love being up in my head and perseverating. I will think about a situation and its worst-case scenarios until I beat it into submission. Then even if I reach a conclusion, I repeat the process a few more times just to be sure I went through every possible facet. I find comfort in processing things logically. It gives me a sense of control over it all.

So when I was met with waves of emotions this month, I had no clue what to do with them. For someone who considers themself so grounded in reason, I was repeatedly caught off guard by how emotions could sweep me off my feet at a moment’s notice. The feels came in waves with no real patterns to help me forecast their return. It didn’t matter if I was alone or hanging out with friends. During class or playing video games. The emotions could ravage me whenever and wherever. And when they came, they were violent and all-consuming. Everything that I knew to be true and good would be cast to the wayside and replaced with falsehoods of angst, shame, and a whole lot of doubt. I doubted my friends. I doubted myself. I doubted the goodness of my Father. Any sort of healing that I thought was happening felt like a figment of my imagination.

Oh, and then I kept dreaming vividly (I have never dream) about all the things I’m processing or just wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it, leaving me more tired and vulnerable to emotions consuming me during the day. It seriously felt like an emotional ambush was waiting around every corner.

To combat this onslaught of heartache, I convinced myself that if I understood all that happened, the emotions would subside. Let my brain do its thing and perseverate. Play every memory over that could’ve caused this mess and how I could’ve prevented it. Then go on mulling about how worst-case scenarios for the future following the fallout. Trying to answer these questions just became background noise in my head that was constantly blaring. I could be in one room with people but have my mind in a completely different place. It was exhausting. I had a few moments driving I literally tried to drown out that noise with music full volume.

The problem is, I’ll never know all the answers, and even if I could have them all, it won’t take away the hurt. Answering the why of it all isn’t going to help me move on. All I can do is come to the Father with open hands and ask that he bind my wounds and maybe help me have a restful night of sleep.

While it often didn’t feel like it, I know He’s answering those prayers. There have been slight improvements. The frequency of attack has decreased, the intensity of pain has declined, and there are a few nights a week where I at least don’t remember the dreams entirely. Further, I think my capacity to deal with emotion is increasing. I’m nowhere near being completely healed, but I’ve been able to see a little glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.

We’ll get there one day. Upwards and onwards (AKA Philippians 4:4-9).

For the love,

Austin

My long list of quotes/lyrics (part 2):

“I couldn’t wait for you for my entire life
I hope you make it to someone who treats you right
And when you think of me I hope that all your memories are sweet
But I don’t wanna walk around the issue for forever
Haven’t found a way to make it better
Look around and hopefully you’ll see what I have seen”

— IMPATIENT by SEBASTIAN PAUL

“Breaking habits overnight
Scattered pieces on the floor
All the fragments of my mind
I’m so much different than before
The way I’m talking in my sleep
And when I dream, you’re there with me
You’re leaving me faded
I’d say three words to keep you here
But every fear is leaving me faded, you’re leaving me faded”

— Faded by Opia

“I turn up my speakers
So I can drown my thoughts just a little bit quicker
Dancing barefoot in the dead of winter
So I can numb this heart that’s full of splinters
They say time heals
All wounds but these clocks are at a standstill
And I’m counting every second that you’re not here
But only in my dreams do you appear
Am I allowed to lay down my smile
And be bitter just for a while?
Don’t keep pulling me under, we were meant to stay afloat
I see all the embers, they’ve not yet lost all their glow
Could you try to take a look into my eyes
And tell me why oh why, why, why?”

— whywhywhy by MisterWives

“The hour is dark
And it’s hard to see
What You are doin’ here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know
That down through the years
I’ll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here”

— The Story I'll Tell by Naomi Raine

“Emotions are real, but they aren’t the truth.”

— One wise sock

“Contrary to what we expect to be the case, therefore, the deeper into weakness and suffering and testing we go, the deeper Christ’s solidarity with us. As we go down into pain and anguish, we are descending ever deeper into Christ’s very heart, not away from it.”

— Gentle and Lowly (pg. 51) by Dane Ortlund

“When we look at our faith, we inevitably look at our feelings—and if you ground God’s love for you in your feelings, neither your conscience nor heart will be satisfied. In effect, Mother Teresa embraced justification by sensing God’s love for her. When we base God’s love for us on how we feel about his love, it inevitably leads to self-entanglement, because we never have enough faith.... Looking at your faith will depress you, whereas exercising faith by looking to Jesus frees you. We are declared righteous because of Jesus’s blood, not by the energy of our faith. Otherwise, we get caught in endless mental traps. True faith frees the conscience like nothing else.”

— The J-Curve (pg. 86) by Paul Miller

Double oof

Hey everyone, it’s your resident sad boy Tommy! Well two months in and oh boy, I think it’s safe to say I did not know what I was getting myself into. I’m assuming you reading this have heard the old saying “be careful what you wish for”. Welp, maybe I should have been a little more careful when hoping this year would be a formative one of change by the Lord’s hands. Let me tell ya, it is painful. Thinking back prior to beginning fellows, I can’t help but feel naïve in my thoughts regarding the journey I was about to embark on. In all honesty, I came into the program in a very difficult place and I was sincerely hoping that the Lord would work drastically in my life. Insecurities and lies I had experienced, which I was convinced I had a handle on, came back more alive than ever. Truthfully, it felt at the time like rock bottom. A season marked by loneliness, isolation, and despair left me hollow. I felt spiritually idle, dead in the water, waiting for the fellows program to come rescue me from my spiritual pit. 

Flash forward to beginning the program. I meet a bunch of incredible people, begin spiritual classes, and am surrounded by activities which are centered on Jesus. Perfect! My problems are solved. Now it’s just a matter of time and things will improve and improve and I’ll be back to my normal self, right? Well, dumb old Tommy didn’t realize that the Lord had to cut away the decaying pieces of me to fully restore my heart. Dang, it’s painful. What I thought was rock bottom over the summer looks far more appealing than the inner turmoil I have felt since diving into the fellows program, and I mean that in the best way possible. I was hoping for sanctification without the pain but I realized by day 10 I was not going to be afforded that luxury. I felt I was truly alone with my feelings for the first time in months and let me tell you, what a terrifying place to be. I felt myself physically writhing in discomfort, it was as if I needed to escape the presence of the Lord because I anticipated the pain of him addressing these pieces of me. It feels at times that he’s got a grip of my soul, and is turning it and wringing it out of all the lies that have soaked into how I viewed myself. It’s truly wild to me that there were times while I was alone that I felt almost physical pain because being brought face to face with the lies I believed cut so deep. I mean why wouldn’t they, they were statements which reflected the true darkness of what I believed about myself. I felt detached from those around me, especially the Lord. I was angry at him, for reasons I don’t fully understand. Maybe it felt as if his promise of the cross didn’t seem to ring true in my life, and him telling me I can return to him and feel love felt so unrealistic, it felt like he didn’t know what he was talking about. Thinking you are unworthy, and believing you are unworthy are two completely different things. When it becomes a belief, it soaks deep into the recesses of your heart. Because of this, God has to plunge his hands deep into my soul, and rip away the cancerous beliefs which had become so intertwined with me. 

What I so incorrectly thought was going to be a nice and steady climb out of darkness and into the light quickly transformed into me hitting rock bottom, and then clawing my way even lower. If you have not yet read the Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, I implore you to begin. But in his novel, a man leaves hell and tours heaven, and there’s an exchange which has stuck with me for two years now, and seems to ring incredibly true now. The main character’s celestial tour guide says “All Hell is smaller than one pebble of your earthly world: but it is smaller than one atom of this world, the Real World. Look at yon butterfly. If it swallowed all Hell, Hell would not be big enough to do it any harm or to have any taste.” And what was the main character’s response? Was it overwhelming joy at the hope in this statement? Was it eagerness to live a life free of hell? His response was simply, “It seems big enough when you’re in it, Sir”. Double oof. I hear the promises of what life with Christ is like. Heck, I have experienced these joys first hand. But right now, the valley I have been walking in feels wide and I feel oh so small. If I had any idea of how painful sanctification was, I may not have been hoping for it coming in. But that’s the funny thing about life with Jesus: It is profoundly hard. Then again, it’s far more painful not knowing how crazy God is about me. All of the pain of this world can’t even be registered on an atomic scale in comparison to the joy of Christ Jesus. I’m just having a hard time seeing it. Anyways, if none of this made any sense go to listen to the song “Doubting Doubts” by Citizens. They basically sing some of what I was trying to type. Peace, love, and blessings!

Zombieland (2009)

Happy Halloween! I hope no one reading this has wasted their time this month watching the new Adam Sandler project, Hubie Halloween. Because I did, and it’s not good! I watched it so you don’t have to. You’re welcome! The following words are about some feelings I have felt and some thoughts I have thought recently.

“Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!”

This prayer cannot escape me for whatever reason. Whether it be in a book, a scripture reading (“Son of David, have mercy on me!”), or in class, it continues to penetrate my thoughts. I seem to be mindlessly performing the next task every day. This mental block repeatedly prevents me from true prayer and communion with God. I think I have the desire, but can’t seem to actually seem to say anything to God, or give space and focus for Him to speak in return. Again and again, over and over, I seem to only recite this short prayer. It’s the only thing that brings me out of the fog. Nothing else can comfort me in the slightest. Otherwise, my mind floods with thoughts and insecurities, some new and some thought to be dealt with ages ago. I beg to come out of the zombie state I’ve been in, but maybe I’m in this spot for a reason. God is teaching me something through this simple prayer, I’m sure of it. Lord, give me the patience and wisdom to see what that is.

“The desire to pray itself is a type of prayer. How often we ask for genuine experience when all we really want is emotion.” - Reverend Ernst Toller, First Reformed

Cheers,

Cam

P.S. If you can’t tell, I really love the movie First Reformed. Give it a watch on Amazon Prime.

Wounded and Blessed: Wrestling with God in the Wilderness

Last week, Ashley reminded me of a Biblical story that has become illuminating and life-giving to me in the last year: the Old Testament story of Jacob wrestling with God in the wilderness. If you’ve ever read it, you’ll know it’s an odd story. Basically, Jacob is camping alone on the river, between one bad situation and another. While he’s there, he encounters a mysterious stranger who rouses him for a wrestling match, of all things (you can accuse the Bible of many things, but being boring is not one of them!). He and the stranger—who appears to be a man—wrestle all through the night, each gaining an upper hand one moment only to lose it in the next. The stranger eventually dislocates Jacob’s hip, injuring him but not overpowering him. By the time dawn breaks, Jacob knows this is no mere man; in some mysterious way, he is wrestling with God Himself. So Jacob musters the nerve to demand a blessing of his opponent. Demand is an understatement—he obstinately refuses to let God go until he receives a blessing. God, in his mercy, yields: He renames Jacob “Israel,” meaning “He struggles with God” and blesses him. His twelve sons became the twelve tribes of Israel. 

I write out that story first, because it is nothing short of riveting and bewildering. Secondly, I think this story holds the key to how we see our identity as Christians. In one of my favorite books, Inspired, late author Rachel Held Evans explains:

“The significance of this story of family origins to the people of Israel cannot be overstated, for it demonstrates how the dynamic, personal, back-and-forth relationship between God and God’s people is embedded in their very identity, their very name—Israel, ‘because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome’ (Genesis 32:38)... This understanding of themselves as a people who wrestle with God and emerge from that wrestling with both a limp and a blessing informs how Jews engage with Scripture, and it ought to inform how Christians engage Scripture, too, for we share a common family of origin, the same spiritual DNA… if I’ve learned anything from thirty-five years of doubt and belief, it’s that faith is not passive intellectual assent to a set of propositions. It’s a rough-and-tumble, no-holds-barred, all-night-long struggle, and sometimes you have to demand your blessing rather than wait around for it.”

 In the past two months here, I’ve felt myself again be roused by that mysterious stranger in the night, and accept his invitation to a wrestling match. As is to be expected in this program, I have already been wrestling with personal, vocational, and spiritual doubt. In our round table discussions, classes, and everyday lives together, we as a Fellows class have been daring to raise difficult questions, to poke and prod at each other’s faiths, to unearth both memories of joy and of sorrow, to push our sleeves up and bare our metaphorical scars for each other. We have been dangerously vulnerable. We have been courageous enough to share our dreams with each other, not knowing if they will be realized. We have dared to wade through the waters of wounding together, trusting God to meet us in the process and ultimately, to bind up these wounds. And I know we are only at the beginning.

I am grateful that this program is pushing me to keep wrestling with God in the wilderness. As we seek to better understand ourselves, each other, and God, it’s inevitable that doubts and fears will rise to the surface. All of this question-raising and doubting is sacred work. It is also human work. To doubt, to struggle, to ask questions about the world around us — this is how we love our neighbors and our God, broaden our horizons, and develop empathy. This work is not only what makes us essentially human, but fundamentally humane. 

Already in my two months here, I have experienced wounding and blessing alike. Recounting for my fellows class shameful memories from my past hurts. Hearing their stories of grief hurts. Realizing, for the billionth time, how incredibly broken I am is hard. Realizing that everyone around me sees that brokenness too—and especially realizing how futile it would be to try to hide that brokenness from my Fellows class this year of all years, when we live together and see it all—is even harder. Discovering I have serious holes in my faith is unsettling and unwanted. I’ve already cried a lot here. 

But, I’m learning once again, I cannot expect to follow God, to wrestle with Him, and walk away unscathed. Spiritual growth is not possible without struggle and inquiry, so I am grateful that this program and the people in it are testing my faith, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and carrying my burdens with gentleness and grace. Out of the wounding comes the blessing. We cannot expect intimacy with God or each other without vulnerability—vulnerability that can be hard and painful. The blessing of this community in Raleigh goes hand-in-hand with the wounding. 

Thank God, God consistently chooses the scrappy, unlikely underdog to bless and favor: if he can bless all people through Jacob—the one who came out of the womb fighting and grabbing the heel of his brother Esau, the quiet and conniving son who tricked his father into giving him the inheritance meant for his brother—than why should I believe that he would not bless me, a broken sinner, too? He already has. And the same truth is yours for the taking, too. This year in Raleigh, and in all my years beyond, I want to keep wrestling with God. I want, like Jacob, to walk off, limping, to the promised land against the rising sun. I will refuse with everything in me to let Him go until He gives me a blessing. For as fiercely as I cling to God, I can be sure that His grip on me is all the stronger.

- Sarah W

october xx

Two summers ago, I traveled to Acadia National Park in Maine with my family. I’d never been that far north before and we hit a few other stops along the way (like Boston, Rhode Island, and Cape Cod) but Acadia was by far my favorite. We stayed in the Airbnb of an amazing host couple who gave us maps of the best hikes, let us borrow their bikes, and told us compelling stories of their lives. I can remember one hike we went on that led to a perfect swimming cove that was almost entirely secluded minus a family and their dogs. My sister and I swam and floated on our backs and I felt full. 

One of the books I brought on the trip to distract me from endless hours in the car was the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Her work surrounds the idea of vulnerability and how to live wholeheartedly and the book speaks so clearly to this. The main theme of the book is referenced in this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, often referred to as ‘The Man in the Arena.’

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I love that I associate the book to being in Maine. I can remember sitting on the back porch one night, in tears, confronting the ways I close myself up in an effort to feel secure. I value comfort and consistency:  in friends, environment, and routines. I think I spent a lot of my life living out of this type of mindset. Even more, I think I simply coasted a lot of the time because it was just easier that way. It meant I didn’t have to feel the hard stuff or experience anger or get my heart ripped out. But I sacrificed so much - I also missed out on authenticity in relationships and fullness of joy in the Lord. Reading this flipped that upside down; it scared me because I wanted to be in the arena, knowing great devotions, and spending myself on a worthy cause. I wanted to be ALL in.

In my opinion, we’re all in the arena whether we recognize it or not. I don’t really think we get much of a choice in that. But we do get to choose how we fight. For a long time I chose to be on the sidelines, pretending the fight that was right in front of me wasn’t happening. Like the end of the quote, I was lukewarm, never knowing defeat but never experiencing victory either. But it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about courage - the bravery to show up and be fully there. The people I admire most aren’t the ones that have it all together or the ones that say all the right things and are unfazed by hard things. The people that inspire me are the ones that bring it all to the table: their mess, shame, and doubt, yet keep up the fight. 

Bottom line, I want to try. That is the bravest thing I can do. Oh, I’ll mess up alright - again and again and again! But it won’t be for a lack of trying and of being available. Keeping up the fight and loving those around me because of what I’ve found in Jesus - that’s how I want to be remembered.

morgan

CaN sOmEbody FIx tHe GAs LiNe ovEr hErE???

Just to preface this story, I’m usually pretty laid back and have a lot of patience for unprecedented circumstances. For example, we all know that COVID has hit the world really hard, but I’m still diddle-daddling around (always wearing a mask of course)! I’m a fixer, but I know my limits. I am also thankful to know that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of adaptability, however, I’m being tested… really tested. 

At the beginning of Fellows we were thrilled to learn that all the girls would be living in a house together. I was stoked. Going from my 1940’s college house with roaches living in the walls, to a family style home in North Raleigh was an UPGRADE for me. Needless to say, I didn’t have crazy expectations, but I was in for one. The day we moved in was painless and easy. The house was beautiful and I was starting to dream about the sweet memories I would soon have during this program and with my new roommates. All was well, until I noticed a strong smell of gas as soon as I walked in the front door. I realize gas leaks are fairly common, but I also know the danger that comes along with them. I called up my friends at PSNC energy, they came out, determined there was a gas leak, and turned off the gas. 

Little did I know, the gas issue would become a whole ordeal. As I’m writing this, the gas still isn’t fixed. We’ve had more than 20 different plumbers, HVAC technicians, and gas company technicians come out to our home, only to tell us that nothing can be fixed. Until it’s fixed, we won’t have heat or hot water. Now, I’m not one to really complain about things like this, but… this seems a little extensive to say the least. I can also say that if you are reading this and feel genuinely concerned for our well being… we are fine! We have a temporary water heater and we don’t necessarily need heat right now. We will get it repaired and figured out soon… hopefully.

Behind the walls of our homes lies an incredibly intricate arrangement of pipes, wires, insulation, foundation and protection. Without the things behind the walls, a house wouldn’t function properly and it wouldn’t serve as a comfortable place to live. What is crazy about something like a gas leak, is that somewhere behind the walls, there is a tiny hole that is leaking out and causing a much larger problem. One spark, and the whole place could blow! I think we are pretty similar to houses. We put on masks and put up walls because we are afraid to let others see the incredible intricate parts of us that God has created. Sometimes we put up so many walls, that we don’t even let God in to see what’s really lying behind them. 

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have a gas leak. Some of us go through the strenuous process to fix the leak, some of us don’t do anything about it and wait for it to blow, and some of us just turn it off and ignore the problem. Hopefully, we all challenge ourselves to pick option A. It’s not easy to wait around and hope somebody else more qualified (aka God) will fix the problem. Sometimes it takes dozens of calls and months of waiting, but He’s there, He’s listening, and He loves bigger than we can handle. 

As we wait patiently for someone to come out to Havershire Dr and fix this craziness, I’m reminded of the way God’s timing is far more important than our earthly urgency. Hopefully, the gas will be fixed this Thursday, and if it’s not, I’ll let you know next blog! 

Thanks for reading,

Maddie :) 

Pre move in selfie!

Roomies minus Brooke :)

That one time we had a gas leak and sat in the street for two hours

cold tangerines

At the start of my freshman year of college I read a book by Shauna Niequist called Cold Tangerines. There are a few books I end up re-reading almost every year, and this is one that falls into that category. The premise of the book, and it’s title, comes from when Shauna writes “I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing…and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift” … becoming more aware of God in the everyday and the ordinary. That’s the hope. 

The phrase ‘the newness is fading’ is one that has been thrown around pretty often this month. To be fair, it is true despite how tired I am of hearing it. Things are beginning to feel routine and consistent, and with that it can fall into feeling mundane, everything on my schedule feeling more and more like an obligation. It’s all too easy for me to perceive the mundanity as God’s absence- abandoning the idea that this everyday, common life is just as much a gift as anything else. 

When I thought about some of my favorite moments from this last month I was surprised, and confused almost, by how unexciting they all sounded on the surface: going to Bojangles after class, driving around at night with Morgan, watching Make It Or Break It with Sara, Monday nights around the dinner table, hanging out in the kitchen, sitting in the street at 11 pm, watching football, driving down Glenwood after Neighbor to Neighbor while the sun was setting and shining through the trees. So much of me wants more of the big moments, more stories that feel like they’re worth telling. But maybe that was the point of this all. I want to believe more deeply in the discipline of celebration, to see these moments with the same weight as the big ones. I want God to be “glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift”.         

One of my favorite authors Anne Lamott wrote “Frankly, I was hoping to see more white cliffs and beaches, fewer swamps and shadows, but this was real life, the nature of things, full of both wonder and rot”. I think I could easily summarize my month in this way- more rot than wonder, spending too much time wishing for fewer shadows. Yet with each day, each boring and seemingly unimportant day, I'm trying (and failing, and trying again) to notice God’s presence in it all, and see it all worthy of celebration. All is a gift, all is joy. 

monthly music recommendations: nominal by #1 dads, hold on by yola, live well by palace, deep sea diver by briston maroney, one more second by matt berninger, jenny of the roses (live) by hiss golden messenger, alcatraz by oliver riot

— Jen

October

Month two baby! Technically month three of living in Raleigh for me! So far, October has been the month of feeling the weight of this transition. Not in an overwhelming way, but like a little gnat in my ear reminding me: I feel different. Things are different. I’m starting over. It’s taken me back to two passages - the parable of the wineskins (Luke 5:36-39) and the story of Jesus healing Bartimaeus (Mark 10:46-52) - because of how beautifully and timelessly they tell of change, giving me some language for it as well:

Change is the dance between God’s initiating sovereignty and our rarely-diminished responsibility. God completely transforms us so we can receive the new - new aspects of Him, ourselves, our tiny perceptions of the world. Oh that we would respond like blind Bartimaeus, who threw off his cloak - his source of protection, income, and identity - sprang up, and came to Jesus. Change is no-longer-blind Bartimaeus silently taking in all the colors and light of his new world, and learning to walk and live and be all over again. It’s external transitions, moves, seasons, and it’s internal shifts, realizations, convictions. It’s Jesus walking on the scene and disrupting us forever, and it’s the quiet work of God in our hearts over years. Change is the death of the old, reception of the new, the pruning of the unfruitful. Change builds capacity for more.

Yet isn’t it funny how in transitions we often go back to default modes of functioning and behaving? Even knowing the necessity and eventual beauty of change, I still find myself hiding behind old, damaging habits. Mainly people-pleasing. All my life seeking people’s approval seemed like what worked or would protect me. It’s so engrained that I even confuse it with godly ways of loving people! In the past I’ve gotten away with it, but this time the Lord won’t let me. Through other people graciously calling out my inauthenticity, and the unsettling question of, “Well if most of my life I’ve just been whatever I thought people wanted, who even am I?”, God is gently convicting me and calling me deeper. He’s too kind to let me live this way, even when I stupidly and stubbornly want to.

To close, I think this is all just one big subjective attempt to say, this is me. I’ve been stripped of all that I could cling to or hide behind, and am trying to throw off any old, unfruitful, or unauthentic ways of living. Clothed in Christ yet incredibly exposed. Isn’t this how it should be? It’s in these places where God opens us up to receive more of Him. It’s in these places where what lasts will hold.

Questions and Quotes –

• Between self-assertion and self-abandonment, what’s your default?

• “So, uh, you play the beautiful game? Bros? Brothers? Brethren?” - Viola Hastings

• Who or what makes you feel safe?

• “When someone loves you, truly loves you, it’s not because they don’t know who you are. No, it is because the person does know exactly who you are and what you are like, and still loves you. Truth and grace are vital if love is to be meaningful...Love does not exist in the absence of judgment; true love exists when someone has passed the correct moral judgment on who you are and is under no illusions as to what you’re like, but still loves you.” - Michael Ramsden

• What have you been taught about your appearance? Who taught you that?

• “I just kept thinking, ‘Tom was right.’ It just wasn’t me you were right about” - Summer Finn

– Brooke

Trying to ENGAGE during Engagement.

By: Maddie Dreffer

I am so thankful that I am finally starting the fellows and I am so excited to learn and dive into this community. Late July, I got engaged and figured out quickly that I would be torn between two worlds during this program. I think a lot of people usually would feel defeated if this was them, but I was ready for the challenge. I was expecting to feel like I was going to be the one controlling this aspect of my life. I thought that it was up to me what I chose and what I chased after daily. What I didn’t expect was how difficult and how out of control I would become. The Lord took over and showed me how intentional He has been with the way things have come together. This is my story and this is what the Lord’s plans are for me. I am so content with this community and I am so grateful to invite my Raleigh people into this community!

This is Neil! He means a lot to me and I want everyone to get a glimpse into life with him!

Raleigh be the city and I believe it! Ready for so many adventures!