If September was this good, I can't wait for the rest!

Trey Holsten

I technically started my Fellows journey in late August when I arrived at the “Frat House” that all of the guy Fellows are living in this year. Upon arriving to the house I quickly realized it will be the nicest house I live in for a very long time. My mom, who helped drive me down to Raleigh from Richmond, was amazed by it. While not everyone had arrived, I was already excited that we would all be living together. And later that night the guys in the house were teaching me to play Catan so I felt the closeness of the group early. The next night we all got Mexican food and got to ride in Stephen’s Tesla that can’t turn well but does go fast. Over the weekend, the rest of the guys living in the house arrived and we all got to know each other. We played lots of basketball, Catan, and Xbox. We got to know the girls that weekend when they came over to our house to play volleyball, visit the pool, and just hangout.

Later that week we got to know people at the church and then headed off to Lake Gaston, a place close to my heart. For the next couple days we would get to go through the Fellows policies, devotions, and really just get to know each other better. It was apparent within the first day that the group got along really well. We continued to grow closer and share many laughs throughout the week. I am very thankful for who God placed in the program this year. I am sure we’ll get tired of each other at times but ultimately I think the group will be awesome. Later in the week we took the boat out and even passed Camp Willow Run and saw Luke and Nic, my friends from camp. It was a good day and an amazing week!

The next week was a week of many firsts. The Saturday night after our orientation retreat, we had our first dinner with our host families. My host family, the Patels, were so fun and right away I felt at home in their house. I am very much looking forward to being with them every Tuesday night for dinner and also talking to Alpesh, my mentor. Later that week I started my first day of work at Turas (T-U-R-A-S). Tyler is my manager and he was great at teaching me about what Turas does and what I would be doing for Turas. He quickly began teaching me how to do sales calls for them. Gentry is also working there and has helped me immensely get acclimated. I am worried I could struggle at times with cold calls and all of the rejection in it but I think being surrounded by a group of coworkers that glorify Jesus in their work will help. It is amazing to see a company that incorporates faith into everything they do. Thursday, we had our first round table and Ashley and Sam shared their testimonies. I am so glad that Ashley is running our program and I hope that I can someday have a relationship similar to theirs. On Friday morning I shared my testimony first and was very happy with how it went. It was a bit shorter than everybody else who has shared but I still think it went well. The first week was a great start to the routine.

Since then we have settled more into the schedule of the program. We stay very busy throughout the week but I believe that is something I will continue to appreciate it. I love that even when we have free time we are trying to do activities together instead of just staying home. These activities have included Monday golf at Knights Play, a trip to a Durham food truck, an observation deck in downtown Raleigh, and a trip to the batting cage. And whenever anybody in the group is going to do something they are excited to invite the rest of the group. I truly think this is going to be one of the best communities I have ever been a part of.

Over the next month I hope to continue to grow closer to those in and around the program. I hope that God can help guide me to my best place in Turas. I also hope to meet with my friends that live around Raleigh regularly and develop those relationships too. If every month is like this first month it is going to be a great year in the Raleigh Fellows Program!

Who’s got the Spiritual Jumper Cables?

Hello There! Gentry Williamson here. To begin with a little disclaimer I absolutely hate writing, grammar, and spelling but thank God I can addd and multipli! 

The beginning of fellows has been a long awaited moment in my life. For years now I have known of the program, looked up to people who went through it, and was strongly encouraged to look into it upon graduating college. This summer in Raleigh it was almost all I could think about, besides a little stress from summer classes. Lucky for me no one ever asked me if I actually graduated!! 

Looking back on this past month all I can think about is how I truly believe I am right in the exact position the Lord wants me. A true sense of peace is all I can feel when I begin to process this last month, and the new situations I have been thrown into. Growing up I have always longed for more, for deeper, more joy-fulfilling relationships, time, and adventures, and that is exactly where I have found myself. 

James 4:8 states, “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” I have positioned myself in an environment where my proximity to the Lord has increased tenfold. I am surrounded by individuals and people who have profoundly deeper connections and relationships with our Savior that I have longed to possess for years. I have strived, challenged, and pushed myself to get to this place for many years and yet have always came up short. This past month my entire process of obtaining this deep relationship has been completely obliterated and I have been left with: “draw near to me.” 

The Lord has already shown up in so many ways! Through my relationships with my fellow Fellows, sponsor family conversations, and talks with Ashley. The spiritual aspect that has been lacking from a large part of my walk with Christ has been introduced and demonstrated to me from so many people. I am full of questions, open to new ideas, and have never felt the spirit in my soul more consistently than throughout this past month. I am truly honored and excited to have been allowed this opportunity to embark upon this journey and I am looking forward to seeing what the Lord has next. 

G

Being Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

No matter what sport I was playing, I was always told “to get to the next level you have to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable”. Being innately security focused yet also achievement driven, I found this forced me into conflict with myself.  How do I challenge myself, take risks, and jump feet first into the unknown while also trying to prevent failure at the same time? In all of my years of competitive sports I never found a way to balance the two.  Rather I learned that failure, pain, and loss are all inevitable facts of life.  My hope for these 9 months is that I will learn to sit in the discomfort, the disappointments and the suffering and simply listen. That in those moments I would seek God’s voice and direction before my own and I wouldn’t be fearful of being ‘undone’, but instead would see the beauty in the pruning. (s/o John 15)  

I don’t know what the next 9 months hold for me and if I am fully transparent that uncertainty scares me.  This is the first time in my life where I don’t have an end goal or an expectation of performance. The fellows program will simply be what I make it.  If I take the advice of our family systems professor the only goal I should really have for myself is to follow these six stones: sitting, experiencing, tolerating, holding, voice, and walking (I am calling these the six stones to survival).  To sit and listen, experience God in the everyday and the mundane, to tolerate the big and small frustrations (or my roommate Morgan’s aggressive sarcasm - with love of course ;) ), hold each other’s delicate memories and stories, give voice to the gospel, and to walk on the path with God.   

Sara Cliborne

Bad Grammar Decent Content

Part of being a Raleigh Fellow means aggressively assimilating into a new community of strangers so that we can really get to the good stuff in our short 9 months. Often this means questions, and a lot of them: “What are you passionate about?”, “What’s your family like?”, “Who has made the biggest impact on you?”, “What scares you?”, etc. That last one, “what scares you?”, is interesting. My answer, when asked, was something along the lines of loneliness. Getting somewhere in life, looking back and realizing that I’ve made few lasting and deep connections. I have a desire in the here and now to be with people. Above most other things I value getting to know people and having them know me in return. Being with people for me represents some sort of comfort, probably because it mitigates the chances of ending up in that lonely state I mentioned. So here’s the point: if I want to be with so bad, “why am I often scared of and running from time with God?”

This summer I led a couple weeks of a bible study with college friends and I decided on John 15. We had all been fighting the monotony of life during coronavirus, questioning what our responsibilities as Christians were during a time when it felt impossible to go and reach people (mostly high school students for us) with the news of the Gospel. We felt weird not knowing what it was that we could be doing for God. John 15 paints a different picture of what following Jesus is. Jesus says “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” This is the expectation that I needed to get through my head. Stop living to do things for God but instead remain and do things with him. 

Here is where it gets funny: that being with God scares me. In relationships with people I can still hide. I can hide my feelings, my motives, my thoughts, my insecurities, you name it. But with God I’m exposed, and while every single time it’s a good thing that God exposes me I can’t stop myself from running from it, running from being with God. By that I mean being truly with God in the way that He expects. I spend time with Him on my schedule, when the expectation is walking beside him step for step as the disciples did. The plea from Him is remainder but my comfort is found more in treating Him as a dinner guest who comes and goes on my invite. 

What is the point of this blog post? I truly pray that it is to the glory of God (John 15:8) because the way God hasn’t allowed me to escape this scripture has been the biggest blessing of 2020 for me. After revealing this truth of my lack of withness I was planning a trip out west with guys I led through Young Life and as I prayed it was clear John 15 was going to be our main scripture for the week. Then our director Ashley asked us to give a favorite scripture for which I said John 15, because I guess the scariest scripture is the best for me. Which I then had to talk about why I had picked it at our beginning of the year retreat. And then the next morning at the retreat we read John 15 as a group and identified it as a focusing scripture for our year together. Next, when we got home and the first lesson assigned to us as youth group leaders was John 15. Maybe that’s all a coincidence. Or maybe God’s pursuit is just the coolest most undeniable thing in the world. I think it’s the second.

Jeb Bowie

You Don't Call Where You Won't Lead

Hello everyone, my name is Austin. I am a Chicagoan/Texan (what a combo), love the science stuff, and I am utterly heartbroken. Oh, is that too much to start off with? Yeah, it certainly felt that way to me too when I had to start meeting everyone here: “Hi fellow fellows! Can’t wait for this fun year with y’all! Oh, by the way, you should know I have some fresh wounds that are inflicting a lot of pain right now, so please help me through that.” Nothing like starting brand new friendships to immediately ask them to help carry my burdens. 

For those tuning in that don’t know a lot about my story, I apologize. Most of that above probably doesn’t make much sense. While I don’t think a blog accessible to anyone with an internet connection is the place to share my entire story, I’ll just let you know I am wrestling with a lot of relational brokenness right now in several areas, and if you’d like to hear more about my story, look around for the front-tooth-missing, hillbilly-looking fellow who can’t pronounce his S’s. Happy to share more about all that in per(th)on. 

Essentially, my fragile, clay heart was sent crashing to the floor just before getting here, so I’ve had to meet my new COTA community with my heart shattered into a million pieces. It has forced me to desperately cling to the Cross more than ever before, so for that I feel blessed. I have the utmost confidence that the Spirit will be doing some radical transformations within me through this season (assuming I draw nearer to the Lord through it, not trying to evade pain). Plenty of lessons in how God uses suffering that I could go on and on about (see my seemingly endless list of quotes below). But as God is starting that healing process in me, I am often left feeling more reserved, hollow, volatile, and somber than I’ve ever known myself to be. It’s painful and frustrating to meet people knowing they aren’t getting an accurate representation of me. 

Thus, the challenge (and blessing) of September for me has been vulnerability. I know I am in need of comfort and support from community. But I’m often having to overcome this distorted, quid-pro-quo view of love to ask for help. Since I haven’t done anything to love and encourage all these people here, I feel like I don’t deserve their help with what I’m going through. Another obstacle to my being open was the fear that I was hijacking conversation to make it all about me when I was having a moment. But God has been nudging me to take that leap of faith and hope they will extend a helping hand during this time. I really don’t have any other option. I cannot do this on my own. 

Originally, I gave a short mention that I was going through some things to the whole group and then confided in a few people. I then used my testimony as the opportunity to lay out the most painful moments of my life to the group. It was exhausting but such a relief getting everyone on the same page as to why I am feeling off. And the response from the group has been so gracious. To those reading that are helping me this season (you know who you are), thank you. You are a blessing that for which I will always be grateful. 

No matter how hard I try to pull myself out of this season, I can’t. This is a painful act of surrender. All that’s left is to sit in this discomfort and trust in His faithfulness. There is something beautiful on the way. I’m sure of it. In the meantime, if you see me around and feel comfortable doing so, I’d really appreciate a hug. I’ll probably need it. 

For the Love,

Austin Kinne

A long list of lyrics/quotes that I have been resonating with lately: 

“There has been a lot of groaning going around lately. It seems to be coming from every direction. I guess it is true that ‘each one of us sits beside a pool of tears.’ And it is so hard to watch the groaners groan and the mourners mourn and the strugglers struggle and not be able to do anything but pray. It is so tempting to try and come to the rescue, but rescue is not really possible, or even preferable. Because something much deeper is going on. In the words of Gerald May, ‘There is no way out, only through.’ Something deep and wonderful happens in the going through. So we must resist the urge to provide an escape – if that were even possible- because the struggle, or the groaning, or the grief, or the pain is the very thing that is able to do a beautiful work within us. All there is for us to do is trust. Trust that God is really in control. Trust that God is really up to something, in spite of all appearances. Trust that God really is big enough to sustain, to comfort, to deliver, to heal, and ultimately to transform. Trust that through the fire and through the water lies a place of abundance.”

— Watch and Wait by Jim Branch

“Like Jesus in the garden
Won’t You take this cup from me?
But like Jesus in the garden
You don’t call where You won’t lead
I wanna love like You love, wanna bleed like You bleed”

— Don’t Wanna Go by Chris Renzema

“God is working through hardship to pry open our hands and loosen our hearts from our tight grip on the here and now. He’s working to release us from the hope that this present world will ever be the paradise that our hearts long for. He’s employing suffering to produce in our hearts a deep and motivating longing for a much, much better home, the eternal home that’s the promise of his grace to us all.”

— Paul David Tripp

“There’s nowhere to go
There’s nothing to say
I’m feeling trapped with no escape
I wanna be well
I wish I could change
There’s nowhere to hide
Where you feel safe
At the bottom of a heartbreak”

— Bottom of a Heartbreak by NEEDTOBREATHE

“Many of us are tempted to think that if we suffer, the only important thing is to be relieved of our pain. We want to flee it at all costs. But when we learn to move through suffering, rather than avoid it, then we greet it differently. We become willing to let it teach us. We even begin to see how God can use it for some larger end. Suffering becomes something other than a nuisance or curse to be avoided at all costs, but a way into deeper fulfillment. Ultimately mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of the One who can heal.”

— Turn My Mourning Into Dancing by Henri J.M. Nouwen

“I’ve been battling a broken heart
Everybody knows I’m torn apart
Since I was eight years old and I thought that
God was a girl in my school
If we can wind up on a sandy beach
Breathin’ air that only death can reach
And singing songs that only heaven leaves
It’s okay with me”

— Mercy’s Shore by NEEDTOBREATHE

“Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.”

— My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

“It’s kinda like a light went off
And now you’re deadset on giving me up
Talking like we’re so far gone and
There ain’t no use stitching it up
We could do the long haul
We could ride it out
I know the ride’s rough, but try us
You’re just thinking ‘bout tomorrow
I’m just thinking ‘bout love”

— Thinking ‘bout Love by Wild Rivers

“Jesus has nails; Paul has a thorn. Both the cross and the thorn are instruments of weakness through which God pours his power.”

— The J-Curve by Paul Miller

“Oh, I know your heart is tired
The floods and the fire
Have made this seem all too far gone
Oh, I know your heart is broken
But the last words I’ve spoken
The best is still yet to come”

— 17 by Chris Renzema

Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

First, happy (belated) 20th anniversary of Switchfoot’s great album, Learning to Breathe.

Second, my goal for this is to make all of my titles correspond with a movie title.

Third, I can’t sleep well. I haven’t been able to off and on for years, but it’s gotten worse since I made the move to Raleigh. I wrote some thoughts on this the other day, and I really think processing (a word I’ve heard more in the past three weeks than ever before in my life) through it a bit has helped slightly. So here are my thoughts:

What keeps me up at night? Is it anxiety about unknown things, or worry about what may come tomorrow? Is it that feeling that I don’t belong, that I’m an imposter, a fraud? Could it be that embarrassing thing I’m remembering from years ago or that stupid comment I made today that no one gave a second thought? Some nights it’s nothing. I lie awake staring at the ceiling with my mind totally blank. These evenings are the most troubling. I often say aloud, “Lord, please just let me sleep!” But the clock ticks on. I have tried to pray to pass the time, but presently I seem unable to pray much without my mind racing and getting distracted. I find the only thing that comforts me is the old prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I say it for hours until sleep comes at last. I am now suddenly aware of my brokenness and reminded of Jesus’ words, “Come to me, all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” What must it take for my stubborn heart to believe this? How many times will I try and fail to find rest through means of my own?

How easily they talk about prayer, those who have never really prayed. - Reverend Ernst Toller, First Reformed (2018) (dir. Paul Schrader)

Cheers,

Cam

oof

Hey! I’m Tommy Rychener, I’m from Arizona, I recently moved to North Carolina, and I like trees a lot. If you have not yet had the pleasure of visiting the Southwest, I definitely recommend. I may be biased but the Sonoran Desert is truly beautiful. Cacti, mountains, and sunsets you would not believe. But, after living in the desert for 22 years, I was ready for some trees! I love green lawns and tall timber and it’s unfortunately difficult to come by when the city you live in averages a high of 109.8 degrees for an entire month, so my first few weeks here have turned every moment I spent outside into a moment of embarrassing, childlike wonder at the vegetation along the highway. 

But, in the process of moving to a new state and forging new relationships, a lot was left behind. C.S. Lewis seems to arrange words of the English language into ways which transcend simple thought, and speak to the core of us broken humans. Although I am usually a fan of these quotes, I find they sometimes strike too close to home much like his quote from The Four Loves. “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one….  lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.… The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” Leading up to my move across the country, I found myself distancing, isolating, and retreating from the joys of this world. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but I was bracing for impact, the impact of loss. I was, for the first time, going to have to say goodbye to my childhood best friends who had truly become brothers to me over our last 15 years together. I was going to leave my parents and sisters, who had walked with me through every peak and every valley this life has thrown at me. I was going to be leaving comfort, safety, and control for the first time in a very long time, and let me tell you, I was doing my best to avoid that loss. But just like Lewis said, hiding from the loss also means hiding from the joy. My heart had grown stale, my soul weary, and my life was no longer the joyful reflection of Christ in me. Sure I had done a great job not experiencing months of grief, but I did an even better job not experiencing months of happiness. 

And then I moved. Packed up my truck and left AZ. Said goodbye to my family and looked toward new adventures, secretly hoping the searing pain of loss and grief would stay in the heat of Arizona and let me start fresh. But that’s not how life works, that’s not how the heart works, and that’s not how God works. He is not interested in preventing pain, but redeeming it. And I can not completely articulate how incredible and awful that is to hear. But like Lewis said, “Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken”. Without heartbreak, there can be no true love. What paradoxically terrifying and hopeful news that is. The biggest of oofs that God has so wonderfully designed for us. 

september xx

hi! Today I told my life story to the other fellows, and in the process of processing it (haha) I felt like I got to really look at the ways that the Lord has worked in my life. In some ways, the things I’ve never understood became ways the Lord has transformed me. I think that there are things that will happen to us in our lives and we will never understand their purpose. I think that’s part of the Lord’s intentional design. This side of heaven there will be parts of God that I won’t understand. That’s the painful, beautiful, exasperating crux of it all. More simply, that’s faith. And the times that I want to run from that are the times that he’s asking me to lean into it. The Lord is constantly asking me this: 

“Morgan, will you lean in? Will you lean into me? Will you be all in with me?”

I think he’s asking us all this. I’m often too distracted, too busy, and not attentive to my need for the Lord to hear it. I still don’t truly know how to sit at Jesus’ feet and not try to rush around, earning his love that he never asked me to strive for. I think this will be the battle of my life. And it is a battle, a constant and never-ending fight to not give into this world and all of the shiny things competing for my soul. And I have to fight it with all I have. Every. Single. Day. And some days we might lose the battle. But Jesus wins the war. And because he died on the cross, we are counted victorious too. And that’s the difference. The more I try to understand His extravagant love and mercy and grace, the more I want to know him. And spending time in his presence is the result of that. 

My deepest, most fervent prayer for fellows is I seek this first. YEEHAW!

To this year (9 months):

Here in Raleigh-town!

This time has been long-awaited, yet loosely anticipated.

Already, already

I feel that this is the place.

Not of anything that I’ve done. Not of the things I could do.

Not even of the people I’m surrounded by that hold my heart and its contents so carefully.

But the Lord is here. He is evident, profound.

Waiting, always waiting for me to sit still with him.

And he is using me?

He is, 

Using me.

Xoxo,

Morgan

Human Being > Human Doing

In my first year of college, a few simple but profound words poured light into my world. The words came to me thanks to an old friend of my dad’s who also happens to be a leader in a ministry I was beginning to dip my toes in. His name is Rob Crocker, but he goes by “Crock”—“Crock spelled with a K,” he once reminded me, “I am not a low-fashion shoe”—and he has a knack for, quite simply, people. He loves to joke around and tell stories, but he also knows when people need encouragement or the space and courage to just cry.

Sensing the at-times unbearable weight of competitive, performance-driven undergraduate culture—one, which, unfortunately even seeps into college ministries at times—Crock shared with me and a group of freshmen one night at a ministry retreat: “Don’t forget that you are human beings, not human doings. God doesn’t need you to do more for Him; it is enough for you to just be.”

Well, I definitely didn’t forget. I have thought about these words on a weekly basis for three years since. But, I have asked myself, what do these words really mean? What does it mean to “just be” or to embody the core of what it means to be a human being in light of the Gospel?

In my first few weeks in Raleigh, I’ve found myself pondering this question once more. In this new place, I’ve been fighting the performance mentality of faith yet again. It is difficult to not believe that the more I can do for God, the more satisfied He will be with me, with who I am. This approach always fails, and usually drains and discourages me along the way. Fortunately, two Mary’s have helped me reach new breakthrough in my answer to the question of what it means to “just be” since coming here: Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Mary Oliver and our Spiritual Formation teacher, Mary Vandel Young. 

If you’ve read Oliver you’ll likely know that she has a keen eye for the natural world. She describes the quiet happenings in nature that, if we aren’t careful, we just might miss: the grasshopper washing her face, the “hungry mice, cold rabbits, / lean owls hunkering with their lamp-eyes / in the leafless lanes in the needled dark” (“Wolf Moon”). She writes about love, loss, and the beauty of a childlike faith, about seeing God’s hands in the elegance of nature and wondering at the mystery of God. 

One of my favorites of her poems, “Wild Geese,” starts with the simple and jarring line: “You do not have to be good.” My chest loosens, and I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I don’t have to be good? Well, thank goodness, because most days, I can’t seem to figure out how to do that. The poem continues: 

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

It seems that Oliver’s poem dared to take Crock’s sentiment one step further. Not only is it not about doing good for God, it’s not even about being good. Bold, huh? But if you try to find an instruction from the Bible to “be good,” you’ll be searching in vain. In fact, as Jesus once informs a rich young man, “No one is good--except God alone” (Mark 10:18). Okay, so it is not about “being good.” So if I’m not told to “be good” by God, what does he tell me to be? Last Monday, in our first class Spiritual Formation class, our teacher Mary Vandel Young helped me get to that answer.

She told us that the core of her class was to “be still and know that I am God.” She prayed over us before we headed off to spend time with the Lord. Her prayer was powerful, and her words resounded in my ears long after:

“Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still. 

Be.”

There was that word again: be. The word hit me forcefully but gently. The permission to “just be” brings at once a calm and a confusion. Be what? As I sat by the fire outside watching the smoke drift toward the clouds I knew: be loved. It seemed so obvious, and yet in all my pondering of the question, my mind had never landed at that thought. 

Ever since I read Henri Nouwen’s Life of the Beloved a couple of years ago, I have cherished the notion that I am the beloved of God. I have known myself to be God’s beloved. And suddenly, sitting there by the fire, it occured to me to break down the word: to be beloved is to be loved. I had begun to embrace the title, and now I can embrace the command. That is what God instructs me to be: loved. How amazing is that? 

The most true thing about me is that I am God’s beloved child, beloved even in—not despite of—my sin (Romans 5:8). He loves me not because I’ve done or been good, but simply by the virtue that He created me. The terrible and wonderful truth of the Gospel is that I am utterly incapable of earning God’s love or making Him love me any more—or any less.

In another one of her poems about Jesus’ multiplying the loaves and fishes, “Logos” (2004), Oliver instructs us to “accept the miracle.” But even in the context of this specific Gospel miracle, it is clear that Oliver is telling us to accept more than just the miracle of the loaves and fishes. It is not about doing or even being good; it’s about accepting the miracle.

And what is the miracle? The miracle is that, despite all efforts of the world to tell me otherwise, despite my sin and imperfections, despite my inability to do good things and be good all the time, God says that I am enough, that I am beloved. So I will look up at the “wild geese, high in the clear blue air” and breathe easy. Ah, the miracle of Grace.

-Sarah Woodard

August/September

One afternoon this summer, I drove to my high school to reflect and pray for the move to Raleigh. I basically grew up on our softball field, so it felt fitting to park there for a while. I noticed a new white banner on the left field fence that read “HUTCH” in huge red letters. The second I saw it, memories washed over me - His distinct smell every time he’d give me a hug. His booming laugh that echoed across the field. His stubbornness. His genuine excitement when I got something right. His piercing blue eyes. His fierce commitment to us.

Bill Hutchinson, Hutch, was my softball coach for almost all of my career. From the time I started playing as a five-year-old, all the way through high school, he was always there. He taught me all the basics, that it takes 30 days to break a bad habit, and how to be a person of character on and off the field. I blame him for why my golf swing was so dang bad at Drive Shack last week. 

Grieving his death has never been intense, yet almost two years later, sitting on Ashley's dock one morning during Orientation Retreat, I found myself randomly choked up over his life. I was slightly taken aback. It’s been a while since he passed, and I’ve lived such a different life since I knew him. I’ve also been “retired” for years now, and softball isn’t exactly the sport you can just pick up anywhere, so I feel really separate from it all. But that morning on the dock felt holy. Not holy in a super-spiritual, overwhelming-emotions kind of way, but more like a divine nudge. I was reminded of a beautiful question I came across this summer: What if allowing grief to wash over us, in both the elongated, intense moments, and in the seemingly trivial moments, is actually saying yes to God?

Each day in Raleigh so far has contained so much goodness, and there’s much to grieve - college, friends, family, the loss of normalcy, the grief of vulnerability and transition, the list goes on. I never want to be a person who gives pat answers when it comes to grief, but I will say that God knows it well, cares about it, and desires to be invited into it. For me, my moment of grief was a reminder of the gift of Hutch’s life, who I want to be, and God’s kindness and faithfulness.

For 25 years Hutch was the head softball coach at Albemarle High School. More than that, he coached dozens of rec teams of younger girls, and incessantly gave hitting and pitching lessons, often for free, even during the week after high school practice. The offer was always there for him to move up to the collegiate level, but he stayed. In the eyes of our ruthlessly success-driven culture, to spend so much time teaching girls how to play softball (of all sports) is laughably pitiful. To me, he’s a tangible picture of Jesus. He quietly served the “least of these” for decades with no promise of anything in return. He devoted himself to building up others. He was someone who was just always there for me growing up. He was the best listener and always had challenging questions for me. He was the epitome of a servant-leader.

Starting Fellows has provided the space for articulating my story in new ways. God’s bringing to light experiences and people, like Hutch, that I’ve lost or left behind. I could tell you why I think He’s doing this, but I honestly just want to sit in sadness and gratitude. I am who I am because of people like Hutch. It is so sad that he’s gone, and I’m so thankful to have opportunities to remember him and tell stories of his unmatched role in my life.

And he’s just one of many I could write pages about.

This year has already been a year of newness. There are so many people I’m excited to learn from. But I think it will simultaneously be a year of remembering. Remembering the people, experiences, and places that have been divinely used to mold me and spur me on. Learning, remembering. Giving thanks, grieving. Here’s to inhabiting the tension.

Questions and Quotes from this month-ish -

Don’t we all just want to be listened to?

“All through those centuries warnings were sounded that if, indeed man was the measure of all things, someone had to determine ‘which man’. Was it going to be Hitler or Hugh Hefner, Stalin or Mother Teresa?” – Ravi Zacharias

How do you like your bacon cooked?

The 5th graders in my classes are honored when I ask them to do something. When and why does it become so difficult to ask people for help?

“Much of the challenge for us as Christians today is learning to embed our lives in the true story of the Gospel, while offering this as the better story for our friends and neighbors.” — Dr. Josh Chatraw

What is a smell that instantly brings a vivid scene to your mind?

“The only person who dares wake up a king at 3:00 AM for a glass of water is a child. We have that kind of access.” – Tim Keller

Why the heck do people here care about their grass so much?

– Brooke

it's been a week and i've already got thoughts, sorry!

In the past few months I’ve seen a lot of my friends post about rainbows on Instagram. Maybe this has always been a thing, but I’m only just now noticing it. A lot of people I know talk about how they’d asked God to show them rainbows as reminders of Him, His presence, His promises- my good friend Lillabea is one of them. When Lil came back from the World Race a few years ago she asked God every day to show her a rainbow, and He delivered for months and months after: “a symbol of hope, a colorful display of God’s care for man.” Even my friends who don’t follow the Lord and who aren’t outright praying for them are regularly seeing them. It’s been raining a lot this summer, and every time it does, I pray that I’ll see a rainbow. I never have. I’m frustrated every time this happens, and at this point I just want to see a rainbow because I simply couldn’t even tell you the last time I saw one. 

If I’m being completely honest I’ve been frustrated for a long time about unanswered prayers, rainbow or otherwise. If I’m being even more honest, the times I doubt God the most and whether He is even real, are when I think about how seemingly unanswered all my prayers are. Because too much of the time I truly feel like I’m just talking to nothing, shouting at the sky, empty words into a void. And I get so frustrated at myself when I feel that way, because how can I be a ‘real Christian’ if I can’t even get myself to believe in prayer half the time? Is that not, like, Step #1 of Christianity? Hearing story after story of how God has answered other peoples’ prayers makes me feel insecure, even angry at times; ‘what am I doing wrong’ is probably my most common lament. I feel as though God hears everyone but me. I think ‘what am I doing wrong’ as I see some cheesy cliché about prayer (you know you’ve seen a 46-year-old suburban mom repost one of them on Facebook, bad graphic design and all) when prayer for me can be a straight shot to doubt and questioning. What. Am. I. Doing. Wrong. 

One of my favorite questions to ask people is, ‘What one moment of your life would you want to relive?’ My answer is always the same. Five years ago I spent a month working at a Younglife camp in Colorado called Crooked Creek. A few nights into the week every camper has the opportunity to spend fifteen minutes in silence under the stars. On week one, all of us on work crew and summer staff were in the dining hall together, quietly waiting to go out and sing and act as the camp bell once the fifteen minutes were up. The curtains were supposed to be closed, but one of them that faced the pond and the mountains was pulled open. Behind the mountain range was a lightning storm, and every few seconds the lightning would flash and light up the valley and the clouds around it. The majority of us stood in complete silence around that window watching in awe, completely captivated by every second of it. 

At our Fellows orientation retreat last week, we had one night where we ate dinner down at the dock around sunset. As the sun started going down and it progressively got darker, the heat lightning around the lake was becoming more and more apparent. All night long lightning flashed across the sky- in front of me, down farther out past the cove, sometimes so bright it felt blinding. It was a pretty cloudy night, save the one stretch of sky where I could see more stars than I’d seen all summer, but I think it made the lightning all the better, watching the clouds light up with each flash. 

And in that moment, for the first time, I felt the smallest bit of contentment that I’m not given rainbows. I realized that this summer I’d been given lightning and I’ve never even asked for it. I’ve always wanted to relive that moment at Crooked Creek, and I get pieces of that every time I’ve seen heat lightning. I’ve never seen it and not been instantly captivated, not instantly felt a sense of peace, however brief. I’m so easily unaware of the gifts already being lavished on me daily, dismissive of what’s right in front of me. So on that night in the midst of hurt and anxiety and questioning, I got to sit on a dock until midnight under the stars and laugh deeply over hours of “make it or break it’s,” consistently surrounded by lightning- reminders of God, His presence, His comfort, and His promises. Each flash telling me “Look at where I’ve brought you. Look at where you are. And yet- there is still so much more to come.”.

anyways, that’s all i’ve got. this is definitely the only time i’ll get this done quickly.

monthly music recommendations: burden by fawn, quantum physics by ruby waters, unready by gordi, they think we’re stupid by ezra bell, turn up your light by boo seeka, you were a kindness by the national, grigio girls by lady gaga

-- Jen Kunin

Blog Post Review

A recap of posts for the class of 2020 Raleigh Fellows. I know what you are thinking…did one of my blog posts get picked? What memories is this going to bring back? Or maybe your name is Ashley Crutchfield and you are beyond excited that another blog post is being written!!!

Anyways, let’s get on to the review. You just need to make me one promise. Do not scroll down to look at the pictures until you have finished reading the review.

1. This post came at the end of the year. Times were hard with almost everyone separated and back home while coronavirus swept through the nation. There were moments of hope like when Cecil got married to queen Darby, when Berkley, Horace, Eugene, and Cecil started grad school, and people finding places to live in Raleigh. This post came with some waves, tears and injuries, but also with laughter, dancing in the rain, a new friend Julia, and Ratatouille. This post brought us all together again and provided some closure in a time of chaos. Glamping at its finest. WELCOME TO THE KRAHNKES!

2. This post is a bit older, but definitely resonates with me and a few others. This post is from the real Death Valley where the Clemson Tigers play. Now while they ultimately ended up losing to some knockoff bayou tigers playing in the fake death valley the biggest shame is that Clemson will not have the chance to reclaim the national championship trophy with college football in the fall of 2020 being in jeopardy. This particular picture was taken in the fall of 2018, the last Clemson game I have sat in the stands and watch. However, I had the pleasure of watching this blowout against FSU with my brother and a couple of his friends. Following this game Clemson went on to destroy South Carolina (not USC cause lawsuits) and then blow out Alabama in the title game.

3. This last post is in honor of a 30 year drought being broken. One of the the most storied clubs in England ended their title drought in historic fashion. This particular post is of the goal post at Anfield, oh and Roberto Firmino scoring a no look goal against Arsenal. Why is this post in here? Well it brought me joy that soccer (football) could return so that there are live sports on TV and there is also a beautiful message in Liverpool’s Anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. It’s the beautiful game and it brings a smile to my face. If you’ve gotten to this point, thank you for humoring me and I hope this brings you at least a little bit of joy today.

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1. Dock post at Shallotte. RIP Landon’s foot

2. Clemson field goal posts. RIP College football 2020

3. Firmino no look goal vs Arsenal. Anfield goal post. RIP 30 year league title drought

From the Notebook of a Newlywed Research Assistant

It’s a crazy life, ain’t it, Gracious Reader?

Last time I posted on this blog, I was sitting at my kitchen table in my childhood home in Texas. I am now sitting in my own home. A home that I pay rent for. An apartment home. An apartment home that I pay rent for in Georgia. I am not sitting at a table because I have no table! I just recently got a couch, lay off! You, Gracious Reader, might be thinking, “Jack, you’re unemployed. How are you paying for an apartment? And a couch??” Allow me to retort. I GOT FREAKIN MARRIED!!! (So Darby also pays rent here;))

Approximately 10 days after I posted my previous blog, we decided that there was no way in H-E-doublehockeysticks that the government was going to allow us to get 300+ people together in semi-rural Iowa for a wedding. So we called an audible. We said, “heck, why don’t we just drive to Bozeman (where Darby is from and where her parents live) and tie the knot?” So, we did! I won’t bore you with the details, but it was incredible and I am happily married to the gal of my dreams!!!

Now that I have a wife that I live with in an apartment home in Georgia, I have allowed myself to make observations and write them down, just as any good research assistant might do. Here are a few:

-”Ah, yes, marriage. Should be easy enough! (04/28/20)”

-”I noticed that The Woman washes her face at night. When we wake up, She washes her face again. If my calculations are correct, that’s two times a day. I will continue to observe and report (04/30/20)”

-”We, The Woman and I, have begun sharing a dresser. This required a purge of old t-shirts. This was more painful than I care to admit. I am, however, glad that I did it. (05/03/20)”

-”It seems that The Woman likes to wear my t-shirts. Haha. This is a cute thing that She does. (05/04/20)”

-”A week in. Many more to go. I quite enjoy this marriage thing. (05/05/20)

-”We made our bed as soon as we woke up today, even though we’re sleeping in it tonight and have no one coming over today. It seems highly inefficient but I will do it because She asked me to. (05/07/20)

-”The Woman has done two loads of laundry today. Interesting. (05/07/20)”

-”If The Woman notices that my attention is elsewhere for prolonged periods of time, She asks if I still love her. I reply yes every time, of course, because I, in fact, do. (05/08/20”

-”The Woman has asked that I close the drawers when I’m done using them. She politely also points out when the kitchen cabinets are left open by me. I will work on it. (05/09/20)”

-”I have begun washing my face at night. May the force of habit sweep me off my feet. (05/10/20)”

-”The Woman is much more gracious and kinder than I am. (05/11/20)”

-”She doesn’t mind that I play video games. This is quite an interesting development and not how I hypothesized she would react. I plan to push these boundaries and see how long I can go. This may be my last journal entry. (05/13/20)”

Another interesting life update is that I am officially an alum of the Raleigh Fellows program. In all seriousness, I am more than grateful for the Fellows and the community surrounding it. The past 9.5 months have been some of the most important of my life to date. I was a sheep and a Shepherd, a student and a teacher, a speaker and a listener, a resident and a guest. I cannot put into words how this year has shaped me. I truly can’t tell you all that I’ve learned. It was the best of times with the best of people.

Thank You, Young Family. Thank You, Church of the Apostles. Thank You, Ashley. Thank You, Gracious Reader. Thank You, Raleigh.

-Jack B.

The Lion Within

September 1st 2019

Martha Anne -

Tomorrow you move to Raleigh to embark on yet another season of life. I wanted to sit down and share some hope and some truth you’ve learned this summer.

There is joy and instruction in quiet moments that you LOVE. It doesn’t have to be Paris or Stellenbosch or Lion’s Head, your Father loves to whisper to you in the silence of the strong, gentle wind. And in giving into that, you demonstrated listening. You learned a trait of your Father and found it in yourself. Cultivate that trait - listen well.

Satan and his sinful ways are always the enemy. And as you continue to be confronted with sin, you will continue to yearn for heaven. Your body is broken along with your mind and heart. You can hope in redemption and salvation. You can trust God hates sin more than you and loves people more than you.

I hope this year the anxiety left your body and you felt the holy reconciliation.

I hope you find time to create and rejoice in the imperfection of your creation.

I hope you’re vulnerable and it brings freedom.

I hope the cross becomes ever more real.

I hope God brings clarity to your mind and heart.

I hope you learn to view your body as God does and rejoice in the gift that it is.

I hope you will embody the lion the Lord rooted within you. She is ready.

Eight months ago I wrote those words to myself as I prepared to transition to life in Raleigh. I held onto the letter, knowing the romantic in me would love to look back on where my heart was. It’s a gift to look upon the hopes I had for myself and see some were prayerfully fulfilled while others were forgotten. The anxiety isn’t completely gone, I wouldn’t say I found time to create, and it’s been hard at times to hold the cross with the weight it deserves. But, there has been immeasurable clarity, vulnerability, and a revitalized appreciation of my body.

Let me tell you about the lion - she is ready. And she has found her voice. But she still needs to work on listening well. I’ve become so greatly aware of the power that I hold as a daughter of the Almighty King, but I’m not always the best caretaker of that gift. I fail to remember that I will always be an apprentice who needs to yield to her Master. I fail to walk humbly with my God. I fail to remember the humbling truths that Richard Rohr kindly reminds us of: “life is hard; you are not that important; your life is not about you; you are not in control; you are going to die.”

So here’s the new letter. May 1st 2020.

Martha Anne -

Tomorrow you’ll still be unemployed and in the midst of a season you’d have never wished upon yourself. It’s uncomfortable and scary. How dare you trust someone else with your life? Well, how could I not?

This summer, you’re going to read the Chronicles of Narnia and East of Eden. You’re going to live in your tiny house and grow some tomatoes. You’re going to be surrounded by the five best girls you’ve ever met, who continue to choose you out of love, not obligation. You’re going to have to stay put for a while, maybe longer than you may have wanted.

You’re also going to need to reframe your view of safety and security. Because you cannot continue to rely on childhood coping mechanisms to keep you safe. The Lord keeps you safe. And this summer is a great time to trust the Lord, to live in the freedom provided from His embrace. He is El Roi, the God who sees. He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord will provide. He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord that heals. Martha Anne, would you look at the birds of the air? They neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns (although they may annoy you in the morning), and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Haven’t I continuously claimed you as my own?

I continue to hope that anxiety and control leave your body.

I continue to hope that you listen well.

I continue to hope you find freedom in release.

I continue to hope you live out of the passions gifted to you by God.

I continue to hope you will embody the lion the Lord rooted within you.

And for you, my hope and prayer is that you will learn more about a characteristic of the Lord and witness it within yourself as well. My hope is that you lean into the hard spaces with open hands. My hope is you allow God to change your heart and your schedule. My hope is that we do it together! My hope is for more hugs, kisses, laughs, mirror selfies, dancing, and breath. For all of us.

xoxo

Martha Anne

April_AS

A man can be destroyed but not defeated. Ernest Hemingway

It's silly not to hope. It’s a sin he thought. Ernest Hemingway

Enlightenment does not come from a full stomach or a soft pillow. Conrad Anker

Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams. Fyodor Dostoevsky

Respect is not a feeling. It is how we treat another person. Peter Scazzero

My comfort is that God governs the world. Jeremiah Evarts

Your quality of experience is based not on standards such as a time or ranking, but on finally awakening to an awareness of fluidity within action itself. Haruki Murakami

I believe that not of my own reason and power do I believe in my Lord or am able to come to Him. Martin Luther

One of the consolations that this time has brought is the space to read for myself. In case you don’t know already I really enjoy reading. That wasn’t always the case, I think I read maybe 40% of books assigned throughout middle school and high school (which is probably why I did so poorly in English). Forcing myself to read books I didn’t care for was rough. Undergrad came around and I began to enjoy the books that I was reading, thus making it much more pleasing to sit down and devour a book. The feeling never left, and since graduation I have probably averaged four books a month. Before anyone rolls their eyes, get real. Anyone can do this. I scored a 15% on verbal memory on an abilities test, which is just fancy for I read SLOW and it takes some time for me to remember the things I read. 

Reading has become somewhat of a discipline over the years. For starters, it is a little chunk of my day where I am still and shut my mouth. It’s a time when the voice in my head still sounds like me, but is saying words that are not my own. The more I can lessen the amount I hear of myself, the more selfless I hope to become. Next, if you are logistical and progress means something, the ability to knock books off my list is satisfying. If I commit to reading 10 pages a day in a 200 page book, I will be done in 20 days. Up that page amount and I will be done much quicker, which means I can move on to another book. Or make it about time, if all else fails shooting to read for an hour is extremely settling and will usually push me along in reading. 

The desire for reading and learning is out of a place of shaking my foundations. Through reading, I begin to unlearn my own thought-processes that may be harmful to my being and others. Reading different perspectives allows me to expand a net of acceptance in the world. I mentioned a quote from Matt Haig’s book Notes from a Nervous Planet a while ago that went:

“Reading isn’t important because it helps you get a job. It’s important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you’re given. It’s how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape.”

Proper perception of the world we live and the people we love is fundamental in embracing the Kingdom of God here. If my bubble and my life is the only thing that speaks weight into who I am and who I understand God to be then I think it’d be better to be mute (that is a serious conjecture and I do not mean to demean the experience of mute people). Reason I say that is if I open my mouth with such a closed-minded mentality I can really only hurt myself/ the people I am speaking to. The fact of the matter is that it is part of the learning experience of communing with people. The embodiment of what I have been thinking has been said beautifully by the boys Penny and Sparrow on this Paste Magazine session. Listen to their whole set because the song “Eloise” continues to make me weep and hope, but if you can’t just go to 5:10.

My confidence has come from exploring and learning. My opinions mean nothing unless held up to the Light of Christ and still ring true. Anyways, I finished all of the Fellows-assigned-reading books last week, I will give thoughts and rank them as I find appropriate. (THESE ARE MY OPINIONS SHEESH)

1. Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning

   • Woof, Brennan is a picture of the grace of God for all of His creatures. Honest look into a man gripped by sin whilst trying to grapple with the goodness that a life with Christ brings. Notable sentiment here is that it is a very radical act to consider yourself a beloved son or daughter in God, and that is what we are called to do. Thanks to Adelaide for adding this to our list.

2. To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue

   • Some of the best poetry I have read in a my lifetime…which isn’t a lot but to take John’s words as blessings over my days and circumstances felt a bit like the Psalms reworked into contemporary life. Not that the Psalms can’t speak to us and bless us now, John used his blessedness to bless his readers to feel comforted and prepared to follow Jesus.

3. Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

   • Best book I have read on communing with other believers. If there are things to say that are seemingly new and effective, this book was probably the diving board in which they jumped off of. Loosely pulling from Martin Buber, Dietrich finds it necessary to recognize the divinity that is in other people, and that Christ is the supplier and sustainer of and community.

4. Water from a Deep Well by Gerald Sittser

   • This was really my first dive into church history and I wasn’t necessarily expecting that. The outline of following different movements and focusing on a particular few individuals who contributed significantly to the Christian experience. That kept things interesting and gave me some direction for who to read and explore when I do decide to go back in time. Sittser writes and explains well, probably based off that teaching background.

5. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

   • There is a good amount of theoretical speech about what it means to love well (what is considered the point of having an emotionally healthy spirituality) but there is just as much practical disciplines to enact on to do just that. Will suggest this to most people, need to have a humility to give issues up to the Lord within it.

6. The Universe Next Door by James Sire

   • James accomplished what he set out to do—clearly catalog the major world views that have developed in our time as humans. By consistently tracking each world view in the answering of seven (and sometimes eight) distinct questions the read was laid out well for comparison.Does a good job of allowing readers to stay at a birds eye view by explicitly answering the questions.

7. The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen

   • Henri sits in my pantheon of authors who have grabbed my hand and walked me towards a proper relationship with God. This book includes his thoughts on different disciplines in (but not limited to) the Christian tradition. Definitely leans towards that mystical battle of allowing oneself to do nothing in a discipline, hoping to receive something.

8. Drama of Scriptures by Craig Bartholomew and Michael Goheen

   • For a book on the entire biblical narrative I thought Bartholomew and Goheen did a good job bringing out the application side of things. In terms of a biblical studies book there weren't any huge leaps made for fresh content, but you don't get many good books these days that balance the interpretation of scriptures and what we are supposed to do with it.

9. Walk, Sit, Stand by Watchman Nee

   • This was a short read but a worthwhile one. Watchman brings in a Chinese perspective on the book of Ephesians and what Paul is getting at. To see oneself in three different stages is all important in seeking God to be sovereign over the entirety of our lives.

10. Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller

    • Tim, Tim, Tim: where shalt I begin. I am enthralled by this man, and he may be my favorite theological and anthropological voice as far as contemporaries go. This book may have beat a dead horse as far as work as theology goes. I could be very wrong, but in previous books I stuck with it, but this one may have followed some rabbit holes I wasn’t interested in. For a similar book I enjoyed a little more, look into Garden City by John Mark Comer.

11. Life Together in Christ by Ruth Haley Barton

    • Ruth is a spectacular writer and theologian. The reason her two books are so low on my list is due to the fact that I enjoy a bit more heady-theological take on things like community in this book, hence my enjoyment of Life Together, which this book is somewhat a jump from. Ruth takes somewhat difficult sentiments laid out by Dietrich and makes them digestible, just not my taste. (My suggestion is to read Dietrich’s book if you want depth, this would be a good intro)

12. Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton

    • Again, Ruth is an amazing writer. I received a ton of guidance and wisdom from her book Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership. This was another, dare I say, watered down approach to concepts that Richard Foster touched on in Celebration of Disciplines, which is my suggestion for those seeking deeper understanding and possibly more difficult to grasp concepts. This book is for the introductory to sacred disciplines, it involves practical advice and Ruth’s own commentary.

13. Self to Lose - Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil

    • Marilyn introduces the Enneagram in a relatively already-spoken-of way. As in there wasn’t really any unique teaching, other than there was a larger emphasis on our true self being the essence God created us to be. As a strong adherer to “If you aren’t saying anything new then why am I reading your work?” this didn’t blow my mind. BUT for people who had no background in the Enneagram, I am sure this is a great start, as most of the other books out there do not have a strong Christian link. My suggestion: The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher Heuertz.

April is coming to an end, we have been Zoom calling for the entirety of the month and I am just ready to see my pals. I miss em! Grateful for the Fellows at large for giving us leaders like Ashley who lays down her life for the cause of us engaging with Christ in our life that makes an impact. Thanks to our teachers for choosing books that push us and at times, comfort us.

Thanks,

Austin

God is doing something

Listen, I can be the chief of skepticism and doubt when it comes to how God is actually working in the midst of absolute disaster. I have been praying for God to reveal the ways in which He is doing so, and then God sent me some truth via C.S. Lewis (written in 1942):

Satan: “I will cause anxiety, fear and panic. I will shut down businesses, schools, places of worship, and sports events. I will cause economic turmoil.”

Jesus: “I will bring together neighbors, restore the family unit, I will bring dinner back to the kitchen table. I will help people slow down their lives and appreciate what really matters. I will teach my children to rely on me and not the world. I will teach my children to trust me and not their money and material resources”.

-C.S. Lewis

May we all find trust and peace in the Lord during this time. He is working.

-Alex Behnke

Hurt

Home is hard.

Lots of tears. Lots of frustration. Lots of struggle.

Feeling SO guilty for feeling this way when people are literally dying around the world and families are truly falling apart. I know all pain is relative, and comparing mine to another’s is of little help. Yet, it is still hard.

Time with the Lord has been felt painful, distant, and lonely. I feel exhausted. I feel hurt.

It is so hard to do everything online. Zoom calls. FT calls. Phone calls. Emails. Work. Life. - I feel sucked into a lifestyle I don’t want and I am NOT myself right now. I don’t even know who this person is.

So…here I am. Will this ever change?

I’m tired.

-B

March_AS

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how. Friedrich Nietzsche

Nihilism is the boiling point of philosophy. Scott Steele (gamertag Steeley007)

Hier zu sein ist so viel // “To be here is immense.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Go dté tú slán // “May you go safely.” Actually how the Irish say goodbye, John O’Donohue

From the evidence, why was I given today? John O’Donohue

#1 predictor of relational success/ health is proximity. Jason Young

And it’s hard to say nothing // To my only ghost. Rob Grote (The Districts)

Transformation gives us the audacity to advance along a road of unknowing. Jean Vanier (repeat from last month)

Love doesn’t mean doing extraordinary or heroic things. It means knowing how to do ordinary things with tenderness. Jean Vanier

For the culture and for the blog I will get this thang on it’s way. Folks, I am a bit gutted to take to the keyboard to write down any and all thoughts I may have currently. I hate to give something like this pandemic the power to influence whether or not I am learning or thinking about good things. Alas, I am reluctant to share that despite keeping my face buried in books for the past few weeks that I have really learned one sentiment over the course of this time. The walk of a Christ-follower is one towards unknowing.

This is bold and I hope could cause some controversy in our walk with Christ, but I am in the headspace of this currently. For instance, the first few days we (the United States) became more serious about this pandemic, questions were being brought up that religious folks were forced to meet head on.

Why is this happening? What is our role? What does Jesus say about this? How do we hope and trust in this time?

Another shout for help, because if any of the public has good answers for these I invite them. My initial reaction is meeting these with ferociousness. How dare you ask me something like that? I have absolutely no idea how I am supposed to reconcile this. But that doesn’t mean that I am not hopeful. That I am not praying. That I am not seeking Christ as if he were not here.

In points of desperation, it may be a beautiful time to share a humble faith with the world. While humans look to these enormous questions revolving around theodicy (the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil) in the world, our voices as Christ followers may provide a refreshing voice. We have the promise of resurrected bodies, fulfilling what was intended, and walk here as people first and foremost loved by the Creator of the universe. As we live into these sentiments, our lives are testimonies to the invisible God. This isn’t a flex or a stance that we are somehow superior, but of course people may look to us.

I think we miss the target when we are looking to explain this pandemic in a way that puts us even with God. In our desire to emulate Christ in our service, it must be outward and not inward. Meaning our focus is on serving the world, and not ourselves. This isn’t new by the way. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as ransom for many.” That’s from Mark, in the Bible. Anyways Martin Luther has this to say about what it looked like for him to serve others.

“I shall ask God mercifully to protect us. Then I shall fumigate, help purify the air, administer medicine and take it. I shall avoid places and persons where my presence is not needed, in order not to become contaminated and thus perchance inflict and pollute others, and so cause their death as a result of my negligence. If God should wish to take me, he will surely find me, and I have done what he has expected of me, and so I am not responsible for either my own death or the death of others. If my neighbor needs me, however, I shall not avoid place or person but will go freely as stated above. See this is such a God-fearing faith because it is neither brash nor foolhardy, and does not tempt God.”

– Martin Luther, “Whether One Should Flee From A Deadly Plague" (1527 Letter to Rev. Dr. John Hess), Works of Martin Luther, 43:132.

I am frustrated by the ignorance of some of my brothers and sisters in Christ during this time, and yes I am looking at you dead in the eyes, Rev. Rodney Howard-Browne (look em up if you feel inclined). I don’t need to push an agenda of why we should stay at home and self-isolate, etc. If anything I bring this up because we will consistently be voices for good and flourishing in the world, should we choose to speak well. I started working at home because not because I was afraid of the pandemic for me, but rather the implications that I might have on others if I was out. There is part of me that is frustrated that we have become rather self-indulgent and refuse to live a different way in this time. That is America as a whole, struggling in isolation and looking towards the economy over people. Full Stop.

So I do not know. I don’t know if this is a time in reflection of God’s judgment on God’s people, I don’t know when I will begin to live regularly again, I don’t know what this will do for our program, hell I don’t even know the latest TikTok trend because I haven’t seen Landon and Emme in a while. I don’t know. So don’t ask.

What I do know is that we as humans continue to go above and beyond in extending love to one another. From neighborhoods and cities breaking out in celebration for our medical workers, to Martha Anne setting up touchpoints throughout the week so we are kept sane in our now-dispersed community, to seeing Times Square empty based on all of us stacking hands, even to the glimmers of hope occurring across the world.

How I am keeping sane:

Reading…. a lot, listening to all the albums I missed, writing more than usual, playing video games with my host dad, playing board games with my host brother, taking breaks during work, running my frustration out, going on walks with folks (6 ft.), getting good sleep, Facetime beers with friends, checking in on @goodnews_movement , involving myself in the silly social media challenges for connection, and man I am still praying. I am privileged enough to see this as a weird Sabbath that God seems to be offering me, so I am going to hold onto that and give it my best shot.

Peace,

Austin

Todo, I've a feeling we're not in Raleigh anymore

Todo: No, no we’re not. That ain’t no joke, fool (Todo if he were trained by Mr. T; also Happy April 1st, Gracious Reader)

Well, almost all of us. We’ve retreated to our hometowns and homelands. Back under the roofs that raised us; isn’t it wonderful?! Last Monday, my betrothed and I got in the car at 4:00 AM and drove for 17 hours STRAIGHT to Fabulous Frisco, Texas to be with family. I miss my friends back in Raleightown, but this was the best decision we could have made in these trying times!

After a week at home, here’s an update: I’ve left twice (once for a Whataburger run, another for an intoxicating Target trip), last week the average high was 80 F so we spent most days working by the pool (some working from home, some working on their tans (I refuse to comment who is the former and the latter)), we have started watching the Netflix original docuseries “Tiger King” (fun fact: Joe Exotic graduated from the same high school as my parents), and I’ve blown the dust off of numerous old videogames including but not limited to: Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood, Skyrim, Fallout 3, and Civilization Revolution (this now concludes Jack’s signature run-on sentence, thank you, Gracious Reader!)

All in all, Darby and I have felt nothing but love ever since stepping foot back on these sacred grounds from those in proximity and not. I know that I’ve stated this before, but there’s nothing quite like the wide open spaces that North Texas has to offer.

I have a mustache now, so that’s new. No, this is not like the Brittany Spears breakdown of 2008; I quite like it. The women in my life disagree, but hell, I am my own man (for the next 53 days!)

Oh yeah, it’s worth mentioning that Darby and I get married NEXT MONTH WHOOOOOOOP

Now, I preface all of this with the good because there is so much hurt and sadness creeping and crawling around the country. I will spare you the aches. But,

Gracious Reader, if I could be so bold to make a few suggestions to help ease your Coronacation, I would say something like this: Use this time to catch up with old friends, use this time to read for fun (FINISH THE BOOK THAT’S BEEN 75% DONE FOR 6 MONTHS JUST BITE THE BULLET AND DO IT), put down the self-help book and pick up Harry Potter or the Chronicles of Narnia (if your parents won’t let you read Harry Potter). If you believe in God the Father and Jesus His Son who died for our sins and His Holy Spirit that lives inside of us guiding and directing our lives, use this time to prove to Him that you do, in fact, trust Him in everything (even a big nasty virus). I don’t mean to downplay our current situation, I only intent to upplay our enormous, all powerful, sovereign God. That being said, to the best of your ability: stay home, wash your hands, do what the government says (Ron Swanson suddenly shudders somewhere far away).

I hope this post brightens your beautiful face, Gracious Reader!

Reading: The Green Mile by Stephen King (finished), Pet Semetary by Stephen King (finished), IT by Stephen King (finished (also, my new favorite book, I’d love to talk about it with you, Gracious Reader)), ‘Salem’s Lot by Stephen King, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

Audiobooking: Scythe by Niel Shusterman (finished), Thunderhead by Niel Shusterman, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

Listening to: Vampire Weekend, Penny and Sparrow, and a playlist that Austin Spence made me (thanks buddy!) There’s nothing like comfort tunes during these trying times.

-Jack B.

From the Italian: Martha Anne’s Simple Tomato Sauce

Hi all!

I know that February is actually the shortest month, but looking back at my calendar makes March 1st feel like yesterday. And honestly, I’m glad the day is gone. With the upheaval of life brought on by COVID-19 I am more than happy to kiss March goodbye.

My word for March was “open". And while I could probably conjure up something meaningful about that, I’d prefer to ask you to be open! I’d like you to be open to trying new things. Specifically - my tomato sauce recipe.

As I sit here stroking Lou White’s cat, Zoey, I realize many of us have very few things to do at home these days. And maybe you’re tired of reading or watching or talking. So I hope you feel excited to stand in front of a stove with some delicious ingredients and make a simple tomato sauce! Mangiamo!

Italians in the Kitchen, pt 1.

Martha Anne’s Simple Tomato Sauce

Cook Time: 10-15 minutes

Serves: 4

Ingredients:

- 2 pints of ripe cherry tomatoes

- 1-3 cloves of garlic (per preference)

- 2 tablespoons of olive oil

- 1/4 cup of dry white wine

- 1/4 cup of fresh basil (chopped if preferred)

- salt/paper

Optional add-ins: onions, red pepper flakes, dried oregano

Italians in the Kitchen, pt. 2

Instructions:

- finely dice 1 to 3 cloves of garlic (I’d suggest 2 or 3) and cut a majority of the cherry tomatoes in half

- heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a pan on medium high heat

- add garlic to pan and let it slightly brown. continue to stir with a wooden spoon/spatula to ensure garlic doesn’t burn.

- once garlic is lightly browned, add cherry tomatoes to pan. stir every 3 to 5 minutes. cook until they mush fairly easily with spoon.

- season with a dash of salt and pepper.

- after about 10 minutes of cooking, add white wine. turn heat down to medium.

*if sauce gets too thin, slowly stir in flour to thicken. if sauce is too thick, slowly add more wine.

- add basil to pan and reduce heat to low and place lid on pan. continue to stir periodically for a few minutes.

*Author’s Note: ALWAYS add your pasta TO your sauce, not vice versa. remember in chemistry when you had to add your acid/base to your water, not the other way around? same thing. it’s science.

Molto bene! Bellissima! Feel free to take creative license with your sauce. And send me a picture when you’re done.

xoxo,

Martha Anne

famiglia