Moments with Mal #1

Welcome to Moments with Mal! This has always been a running joke/phrase used by my family when I tell stories, so it only seemed right that it would be how I started these blog posts! 

The moment I wanted to share and reflect on this month was Mary Young’s Spiritual Formation class. It was our very first class after our retreat, and I feel like it just directed us in such a perfect way before the busy fullness and fun of our schedules. At Mary’s class we took time to reflect on scripture, and then there was just an hour carved out for us to rest with God. There was no pressure to produce any kind of devotional or spiritual awakening- only the hope that we would simply just be. It’s hard to do this, but it is also hard not to let your brain wander during this time. I often spend time with God and have an agenda- like do this devo, pray these things, etc., but this time I didn't have those constraints. The following weeks then got more full with things to do and people to meet, so it is hard to find this chunk of time to just do this which makes starting the month with this kind of time so special.

During that moment, I went to Mary’s backyard (it’s beautiful) and just took a moment to take in all the nature around me. From working at camp, I’ve always felt closer to God by just being outdoors, so I started to take it all in and rest when these tall purple flowers caught my eye in her garden. There are all these leaves that lead up to one purple, delicate flower at the top of the stem, and I noticed that the flower leans towards the sunlight. At first, the purple petals caught my eye, but then I noticed the leaves that trail up the long stem were all leading and pointing up to the beauty of the flower too. Oh, how God does the same with each of us! 

There’s something different about each of us that catches others’ attention, but when you really take a look back, you see all these stories, experiences and characteristics that all make up the beauty of each person. The growth of these flowers are all different. Some have bloomed. Some are still growing, and even some sway in the wind as I took it all in. We also sway at times and are still growing. As we grow in faith too, we try to face towards the Lord just like the flowers face the sun. Each flower is clothed with beauty, as well as each person, and that beauty reveals more of Jesus to those around them. From first glance, you just see the flower or the thing that draws you into becoming friends with a person, but more is revealed through the moments you share together, and more of Jesus is revealed too!!

Sooooo some moments I’ve seen Jesus through my other fellows after just getting to know them this month:

Derren- she is patient which I saw in how she sat with the high school girls during cabin time at camp 

Madelyn- she is kind and walks alongside you and talks through any and everything, our Thursday walks brighten my day!!

Matt- he can and will connect with everyone through stories and we’re besties because of it

Linsey- she was my first one-on-one on our retreat and she made me feel so welcomed through our conversation 

Neil- we will talk Clemson football so thank goodness, but he also is there for any game night or activity, he’s dependable

Alec- he can bring people together whether that’s to play pickleball (which so fun!!) or just through teaching different cooking techniques

Emily- her joy can fill a room like when we laughed all the way to neighbor to neighbor or while making tiktoks

Ian- he is so funny, and his humor and stories create this fun community within the fellows 

Janie- thankful we could bond over the Queen because she is also so thoughtful, and I love all our coffee runs to Jubala!

Ashley- she invites us all in, whether over to her house for roundtable or just inviting us in to be ourselves in this new community like her and I sang Taylor Swift the whole first week!

Unveiled Before The Father

The past few months have been SO busy, but so much fun! Among the many fun things we’ve done, I want to focus on my reflections from our Silent retreat at St. Francis Prayer Center. The Fellows were encouraged to unplug from their phones and embrace solitude. Before our day of silence and solitude began, Mary Young led us in a devotional from a Lenten devotional book by Beth Richardson. The morning devotional was called Delight in the Lord (In The Wilderness).

Two specific aspects of the devotional stuck out to me. The first of which is about the barrier between independence and dependence on the Lord. This chasm occurs when we try to wrap our head around every detail about everything. So, when things don’t make sense, we tend to go to what we know, the familiar. Israel did this in the wilderness when they felt confused, uncertain, and discomfort on their journey to the promised land. They longed for Egypt, making themselves think of it as paradise compared to what they were experiencing. As suggested by Richardson, deepening dependence on Christ is accomplished by uncertainty, whereas needing to understand everything is frequently a sign that we want and desire independence. 

The second part of the devotional was about delighting in the Lord. Richardson suggests that delighting in Christ opens our eyes to recognize the Father’s love amid the wilderness. Alternatively, when we become hyper-focused in our thoughts and understandings, we may see the wilderness as a harsh punishment or that we’ve been abandoned by God. We tend to make sense of what is going on around us instead of fixing our gaze on Christ. 

Richardson urges readers to pay attention, become aware of uncertainty, and turn our gaze to the Father:

“But when one[a] turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. 17 Now the Lord[b] is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord,[c] are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.[d] For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit”. (2 Corinthians 3:16-18). 

Given the backdrop of Richardson’s devotional, I’ve taken this verse to mean that transformation happens as we behold God, and not necessarily when I attempt to fully understand Him or circumstances. As things are stripped away and we experience loss, His peace and love can become increasingly real, more integrated into our hearts and lives. God, in His delight and love for His children, will lead us into spaces where our hearts can be shaped in ways like His. Thus, it’s not only our heart that are revealed in the desert, but Christs’ as well. We see this when we are looking or beholding Him.

Both points have been helpful during the final months of Fellows when there’s been an increasing amount of angst and uncertainty about post-Fellow’s plans. It’s been two-fold: It has challenged me to readjust my gaze on Christ when there is uncertainty around me and instead, take time alone to receive His gaze with an unveiled face. The next step has looked like delighting in His created and creation. This typically occurs when I look at my fellow Fellows, children at my internship, members of COTA, and beautiful Spring flowers. I try to view each person and with the lens of the Father. In essence, allowing my unveiled gaze on the Father during alone time and throughout the day has become a way to remind myself to gauge how I view and see the world around me. I’m no where near perfect at this, but i’ve seen little improvement. This practice has taught me to take delight in what He would take delight in, rather than trying to look back at Egypt longing for something that can’t possibly bring the comfort, safety, and longing found in Christ.

Here are some moments that have reminded me to readjust my gaze on Christ and His beloved. 

St. Francis Prayer Center!

… mr. camera dude caught me during the last few moments of having two ACL’s… BUTT, the 10k race was so much fun! I found so much delight training and running with the Raleigh Fellows running group.

Walking around DC at the Fellows National Conference was a breath of fresh air. The warm air, flowers, monuments, and other Fellows groups all reminded me of the Father’s deeply personal role in His created and creation.

Tears of joy at Natty conference. PTL for silliness and blue napkins

Not only did FAST_STRONG_GIRL SLAYYYING the half bring me so much joy, but also cheering all the runners on with a few of the other Fellows.

Last Spiritual formation class with Mary. Her classes was always a space where I could take time to slow down and behold Christ.

Kris

April Adventures

April was a month that consisted of trying new things. My best friend, Jack, and I joke all the time about being spontaneous. It was a word that we use that shows courage, fearlessness, and adventure into the unknown. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize I’m not really that spontaneous and feel much more comfortable in a routine that I know is safe and secure. Most of this stems from my drive for organization in all aspects of my life, but another big part of the reason I don’t love spontaneity is because I’m afraid of failure and the potential of my image being seen as weak. That being said, through my conversation with Bruce from the Career, Calling, and Vocation retreat (renamed COVID retreat), he encouraged me to try new things this year and get out my comfort zone a little bit to expand my flexibility in situations. April is a testament to trying new things, finding joy in the midst of uncomfort, and compromising my routine. So here are all the “new things” I tried this month and how I experienced the Lord in the middle of them.

First on the list is a concert in Asheville that Dylan, Brendan, Austin, and I went to. Dylan so graciously invited us to see one of his favorite bands, Kublai Khan TX, live in concert with a couple other bands. I’d encourage you to look them up on Spotify, but if you don’t, all you need to know is that they are a heavy metal band. Being in that venue was way out of my comfort zone, but being there with some of my new best friends was peaceful. This kind of concert is something I’d never think I’d do in a million years, but to see the way that Dylan, Brendan, and Austin lived in the moment and soaked up every second pushed me to do the same. I experienced the Lord through dancing, mosh pits, laughter, and conversations that weekend. I’m not sure if I’ll ever go back to a concert like that one, but I know I’ll be met with more smiles and uncomfort which I know the Lord is so evidently in.

While on the topic of concerts, I was able to see 2 of my favorite artists in the month of April. Almost immediately after the Kublai Khan TX show, I saw Chris Renzema and Bon Iver. These artists aren’t necessarily out of my comfort zone but since I had never seen them, I had to include them. The Lord was so evidently in both as I was able to see a lot of my friends from college at the Chris Renzema concert and witnessed the Lord being worshiped through the communion of His believers and shouts of praise. At the Bon Iver concert, I was able to drive down to Wilmington with 2 of my best friends from college and catch up on life through good conversation. I also got to spend time with one of my old Young Life guys who is now one of my best friends who was also at the concert. These 2 concerts were one of the highlights of April and I definitely want to see both of them in concert again.

We went to DC for the National TFI Conference! I had been to DC before, but never with these people. I got to go to a couple museums that I had never been to before, the National Museum of the Bible and the National Museum of African American History and Culture. These 2 museums were incredible and taught me so much about the history behind the faith that I believe and the culture of people around me that don’t look like me. It was inspiring to soak in all the goodness of the Bible museum, learning about where the scriptures come from and how they progressed through the years. We did interactive exhibits of the Old Testament which visually walked through the events from Creation to the coming of Jesus. We also did another interactive exhibit where the entire section of the museum was modeled to be a town similar to what Jesus would have lived in. To be immersed in the culture of the time was striking to the heart and soul. At the National Museum of African American History and Culture, I was in awe at all the hardship my friends of color and their ancestors have went through to get to today. It went beyond slavery, but talked about the horrible conditions of the ships that came over from Africa, the evil of the KKK, segregation, and persecution still faced today. It’s my dream to take my kids to both of these museums one day. After the conference ended on Saturday, all the Fellows from across the US went to a bar where we had a couple drinks, met new people, and conversed with our current friends. Huge social gatherings aren’t usually my thing and neither are spontaneous metro rides at midnight to downtown DC, but the Lord was in that night through the high spirited atmosphere, good music, and time of silliness with the Raleigh Fellows. I’m definitely thankful to be a Raleigh Fellow after the retreat! We have the best group with the best director!

Lastly, I ran a half marathon! I remember back in January, David Boulton and I were playing a game of ping pong that I won (obviously). After the game, he wanted a rematch but I was exhausted from one singular game of ping pong. It was at this point that I knew I wanted to get back in shape. This was also soon after my conversation with Bruce about trying new things, so I decided to sign up for a half marathon! It was really fun to train with Brendan, Kris, Kayley, and Dylan and even more fun to spend time with almost all the Fellows at the beach cheering us on. I experienced the Lord through this race because He has shown me the importance of my body and how it can be holy and pleasing to Him. I also experienced the Lord through being proud of myself for how I performed and not feeling disappointed for thinking I could do better. I know God loves me and is pleased with me no matter what time I ran on April 30th, so to finish the race and feel that is worthy of praise.

Well, that’s a wrap for the Fellows Blog! I’m so thankful for this year and all the challenges and blessings it’s brought. I hope to bring this feeling of trying something new into my life post-fellows. I’m excited for the joy that awaits the unknown parts of this next chapter.

Much Love, Jacor

The Last Stop on the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. VIII)

Well. This is it. May is upon us. The year went by kinda fast, honestly. But, it do be time for one last monthly check in on how I am doing in these 4 areas of life: social, physical/health, occupation, and spiritual.

Social

We spent a large majority of the start of April watching March Madness and the last few games of the tournament. Those couple weekends were spent hanging with friends in the area, and experiencing heartbreak, no matter which Carolina team we cheered for! Jacob, Dylan, Austin and myself visited Asheville and attended a metal concert featuring Knocked Loose and Kublai Khan TX (probably one of the craziest events I have been to in my life). I got to visit some old college friends in Charlottesville for Easter weekend; I was more than grateful to catch up with them, and I look forward to celebrating their graduation from UVa later in May! The Fellows also got the opportunity to go to Washington D.C. for the national TFI Conference, and I had way too much fun spending time with our fellows, meeting new people, catching up with old friends, and hearing from some amazing speakers. Last weekend, a few of us ran a half-marathon in Sunset Beach, and a bunch of the spent time in the sun being beach bums to close out the month of April

Physical / Health

Most of the month consisted of training for the half-marathon. I would go on 3-6 mile runs a couple times a week, and went on a 9 mile run once haha. But I achieved my time goal on race day, and as a result, was tired and seemingly brain-dead the rest of that day. But I really loved the race environment, and I am amazed at what the human body can achieve! I have also been getting less and less sleep as the month progressed, because Fellows is getting a little busy as we come towards a close. 

Occupational

This is my last month of working at Refugee Hope Partners. I have developed many friendships with the staff, students, and interns, and it will be challenging leaving that workplace. I hope to still be a volunteer, and involved in the lives of the people there after Fellows is over. I have been applying to many biomedical engineering jobs in the area; I am currently in the phase of applications and interviews. I am currently playing the waiting game with some of these companies, and I would love some prayer and wisdom for this category of life! 

Spiritual

A large majority of the month, we have shifted our focus to the next steps, and what our lives will look like once Fellows is over. At the D.C. Conference, there were 3 main talks, focused on Culture, Work/Vocation, and Church. It’s important to know and understand that we influence the culture we live in with the decisions we make every single day. It is up to us to use what we have learned throughout this year to continue to bring about kingdom work to the world we live in, and to show the love of Christ in the lives of the people around us. God also calls to work for the rest of our lives. We are to see work not as a burden, or a means to an end, but a way for us to use our skills and restore, bring order, and make use  of the world that God created. There was also a word of wisdom for us to be actively involved in a church once Fellows is over. Whether that be Church of the Apostles or not, we are called to find ways to serve (and be served) in a church body. God blesses us with the church as a way to experience and live life alongside other believers, as we are not meant to go through the Christian life alone!

Alright, time to get off this trolley, for the very last time!

I’ll see ya around! 

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from  the month of April

- If you plan to attend a metal concert, maybe bring ear plugs, and wear clothing you would wrestle in.

- Make an effort to keep in touch with college friends!

- Early in the season, buy cheap MLB tickets, and get some nice seats close to the field on a nice Saturday afternoon. But I will warn you; Nats stink!

- If you ever, in your right mind, sign up for a half-marathon, do anything and everything to keep your joints and muscles healthy after running that jaunt.

Austin’s Top 10 - March 2022

*This is not ranked in order, just an overall top 10 from this month*

1. Silent Retreat

This has to be my favorite retreat so far. I loved getting an opportunity to have such an intentional and extended time with the Lord in such a beautiful place. It was an amazing weekend for me relationship with God. 

2. March Madness

There’s nothing better than watching hours upon hours of college basketball. Rock Chalk. 

3. Adventure Landing

Natalie and I won sooo many tickets at adventure landing it was insane.

4. The Matrix

Scott Steele had us all over to watch the Matrix and it was a fun and silly time. 

5. Heaven

I led a round table discussion about heaven. There are so many questions and curious thoughts I and we all have about what heaven will be like and what we know about it from scripture. It was really cool to be able to talk about what we think, and also trust that it will be far greater than anything we can imagine. 

6. Logan

Logan is my buddy for mentoring at neighbor 2 neighbor. It has been an amazing experience to build a relationship with Logan and see the growth that he has been making through tutoring. 

7. Survivor

Season 42 of Survivor has begun, only 1 will be crowned sole survivor. 

8. Johnnie-O

Natalie started a new job! And I’ve already gotten some sweet clothes from it!

9. ‘Mid-Year’ Review

We got feedback from all of the Fellows about our strengths and areas for growth. It has been a really great experience to work on letting myself believe the good things that people had to say, as well as identify ways to continue to grow. 

10. Genogram All Nighter

I stayed up literally all night writing my genogram paper in order to get it in on time. It was a really great experience of reflection and understanding of my family and the different dynamics within it. I spent my writing breaks playing pop a shot in the Boulton’s basement, please try to beat my high score (you can’t).

Silent Retreat

This past month, our class went to a facility called St. Francis for our silent retreat. I had been looking forward to this retreat for a while. Being able to sit in silence and have my thoughts to myself is something that I really enjoy. What made this retreat even more special was that I had just had my 360 reviews from my classmates. I had a really great opportunity to look at how my friends saw me: the strengths and areas of growth and also use materials that we had been given from our retreat in the beginning of the year.

My time alone was great for me to think about myself and how the Lord has been working my life over the last few months that I have been a fellow. I think that there were a lot of really hard things that I had to face about myself, but also I got to look into good things about me that I don’t ever think about but things that my friends see about me.

One of my favorite parts of the retreat was sitting on a wooden bridge by the river. I was just dangling my legs over the water swinging them. I felt free and at peace. The sun was always shining on me and it just felt like the Lord was so very present with me in that time. I felt most like myself and was just so thankful that I was allowed this opportunity to be quiet and sit with the Lord in all these thoughts that I had. To sit with him about how can best reflect him and how he has changed me over these last few months.

The silent retreat was very special for me. It was a time that I really needed to be introspective. I have felt like I haven’t really had time to think about things. My life is just really busy with fellows stuff and other things in life. So having time to sit still and be silent with the Lord to think about the ways that I have grown this year has been such a great thing that I really needed.

-Dyl

Blooming

March!! The mark of spring! There is just something about that glimpse of warm, sun-bathed weather that brings hope to every corner of life these days! When I think back on March I think of the slow but steady change that I see not only in the weather but in myself as well! I think of the days that we’ve spent learning from Scott and Edward and Eric and so many other people that have taken their precious time to share their wisdom and life experience with us, and I have been thinking about how I hope I never take for granted what a gift it is that so many people are willing to pour into us and be a part in our lives as fellows!

I also think of the moments I have been able to see what slow and steady growth looks like for me in this year, and I think about what being able to really feel everything deeply means for me. From the comfort and closeness I felt walking with the Lord through the woods on the silent retreat, to basketball games after class, trips to the Biltmore with my parents, spending the night laughing and catching up with one of my best friends from home, and the simple mundaneness of watching tv with the Vincent’s, I see so many ways that the Father is unearthing something new in me and allowing it to flourish! I’m learning what it means to really live life in the arena, being able to feel all the emotions, the joy, the stress, the longing and the hopeful! I am really hopeful that I can continue to lean in to all this goodness! 

At this point in the spring it feels very easy to be future oriented and to constantly be wondering/ thinking of what our lives will look like in May and beyond, and I keep catching myself worrying about all the things I have to get done, more boxes to check off. But, in the midst of that, there is also a certain freedom I’ve felt that is hard for me to explain. It’s this feeling of excitement that I am creating a new life for myself that is full of God’s presence and undeserving grace. It’s a feeling of renewed joy for life and for the redemption of my soul to be made complete. To allow His love to seep into every corner of life, in the morning drive to Note in the Pocket, in the Tuesday night dinners with Nancy, in the after class runs to Chick-fil-a and in the Sunday morning communion, I hope to see His intentionality through every moment. I have so many dreams for my continued journey and understanding myself more and I can't wait to watch that continue to unfold in this season of spring! 

I’ll leave you with an excerpt from a liturgy titled “For the Planting of Flowers” 

He has scattered the evidences 

of creation’s former glories across

the entire scape of heaven and earth,

and these evidences are also the forecasts of the 

coming redemption of all things, that those

who live in this hard time between glories 

might see and remember,

might see and take heart,

might see and take delight,

in the extravagant beauty of bud and bloom,

knowing that these living witnesses are rumors and 

reminders of a joy that will soon swallow all sorrow

All the love,

Lauren

My friend, Kassie

Okay okay 2 blogs in one month, I gotta make sure I write about each of my friends and luckily for me there are more friends than months!!

My sister Kassie is just light to me- which is just not ironic at all that it's how we first connected- through light. I remember Kassie and I back and forth speaking in awe of the Lord’s presence through light. Whether it be in sunshine, in natural light, or in the warmth you feel on your arm when the sun is peeking through the window of your car- all of it. 

Kassie is unique to me, and I think all 11 of us would agree that she brings a level of authenticity that we all crave to know. I think that is to be said for how she loves the Lord as well. Her relationship with Jesus is one of emotional depth and that same authenticity. We are a lucky bunch to be poured into by her. Kassie shows up as her CrAZy, silly, deep, emotional self and it allows me to do the same. It’s really sweet to watch Kassie strive towards each of us so intentionally. She is so intentional with the time she spends with us individually. I’ve seen this exemplified week by week as she gets a new prayer partner: Bowling with Austin, a piercing shop with Dylan, and walks in the sun with me and Luke… just to name a few. 

UGH I could go on and on about her but I will end with this,

I love when Kassie speaks, I know from the second she begins to talk, she's captured everyone's attention. Her words carry so much weight, they are articulate, and beautiful. Sometimes her words are emotional too, but this makes me feel safe to explore and share the deep parts of myself when she shares that with me. 

Kassie we are all so lucky to be known and loved by you!!! 

I love you sister. 

My friend, Brendan

BLogGeR Nation!!!! Back again with another blog post! I am growing more sentimental with each blog as the program nears its end. Hopefully my words are not as emotional as I am (LOL.)

This blog post I find easy to write. I think that speaks to how Brendan makes me feel in our friendship: It is easy and a comfort to me. Brendan was a hard one to peg down initially. I never knew which of my jokes would land with him, and would become VERY surprised at the ones he chose to laugh at. Now knowing and understanding Brendan’s humor it still stands true that he finds the silliest things so funny.  That to say, Brendan is so special and intricate to the personality of our fellows group. Sometimes I think of him as the glue, or the bridge, I guess. 

What I appreciate about Brendan is his bridging ability, I think this is attributed to the range he has. He as great capability to create silly moments as well as serious conversations- all meaningful to us.

This man can be so quiet and introverted, and often can be found napping somewhere. BUT… I've also seen him embrace the Monday car rides to Neighbor to Neighbor with some of us girls. He is so quick to scream the lyrics of Doja Cat or Taylor Swift just as loud as we are.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BRENDAN:

• He is a steadfast friend who cares so much about each of us.

• It’s sweet to see him show up for us all in different ways. 

• I really love the mind that the Lord has blessed Brendan with. 

• He is so methodical and intentional with his thoughts.

• He brings a fresh perspective to our group and inspires me to think deeper and more critically. 

• His big bright smile is so so so sweet and it makes me want to shrink him and put him in my pocket!!!!!

• I love his relationship with Treasure at Neighbor to Neighbor. They love each other so much

BRENDAN I WILL ALWAYS BE OBSESSED WITH YOU! LOVE YOU BROTHER

Revival

March was a month of revival. It was during this month that the cold, wintery weather slowly gave way to the brisk chill of springtime. It was during March that the frost that stuck aggressively to the windows of my car, transformed into soft morning dew. The cherry blossoms began to bloom, the kids in the neighborhood began to play outside, and the early morning sounds of the birds resumed again after a quick wintery pause. It was the absolute perfect month to see The Lord and his creation.

Coming into fellows, I truly believed that I would have my life figured out. That all of my expectations would have been met and that I would leave this program with my entire life figured out. Well…. That didn’t happen. The truth is, I don’t think we ever figure it all out. We just have to trust in a God who has figured everything out. A God who created the heavens and the Earth and everything in it. A God who created me, just the way I am. That is who I have to trust.

It wasn’t until our silent retreat that I recognized that for the first time. That Sunday, I and the rest of the fellows were tasked to spend the whole day in silence, resting in the presence of The Lord. I promise you, it was an incredibly hard experience. But during my walk, under the shelter of the oak trees, captivated by the rushing river, I realized that I needed God more than ever. I realized that I didn’t want to strive for money, or a job, or a relationship. I didn’t want to be tossed to and fro in the sea of uncertainty. I wanted to walk on the waves, hand in hand with my Father. I realized I wanted to come alive. I wanted to be revived.

I realized that in order to be revived, something in us has to die. For me, that was the expectation I placed on myself. The expectation that I had to make money in order to be happy and successful. The expectation that I had to be the perfect son, friend, coworker, and mentor. I had this unbelievable weight on my shoulders that I had to be in control of everything life threw at me. To be honest, it was breaking me. Ever so slowly, that desire to be my own God was devouring me from the inside out. 

It was during the silent retreat that I finally broke free. Well, actually, Jesus set me free and who the Son sets free, is free indeed. Let me tell you, there is so much freedom in revival. Yes, it is painful letting things go. But in truth there is so much joy to dance around without the shackles of expectations on you. It is even more fun to dance hand in hand with your father. 

The rest of this month just continued this incredible theme of letting go. I had meals filled with laughter and joy that filled me up more then the food. I had conversations on walks that allowed me see the love of the father in the eyes of the person next to me. Last but not least, I got to rest in the experience of revival. Like Joseph in Egypt, Paul on the Road to Damascus, Esther in Persia, or Mary the mother of Jesus, each one of them trusted in the promises of the Father. They believed in a God of Revival. Now its time for us to as well.

-Luke Harvin

Letting Go

It’s that time of the year that the impatience, stress, and anxiety of waiting comes around. It’s something that is classic of the season of spring as the flowers are just beginning to blossom, pollen covers every inch of the outdoors, and development of plans for the summer begin to creep into people’s minds. In some ways, the idea of Fellows ending feels very similar to the end of a school year in college. Trying to figure out living situations for the next year, getting a job throughout the summer, and planning for the next year of our lives have been very heavy. This has been very true of my life currently as I’m researching and discerning what my next steps look like as a young engineer and have been on multiple house tours with the dawgs. But in other ways, this waiting period is very different than a typical year in college. We aren’t preparing for another year of school (except a few of us) and we aren’t preparing for a job that will only last a couple of months. We’re in a period of waiting and anticipation of the beginning of the rest of our lives. The pressure of starting well and getting everything in order has consumed my mind and has made it very difficult to stay present in where we are right now.

There was a day last week that I woke up a little early, decided to head over to the church earlier than usual for class, and just sit in silence with the Lord. I felt compelled to pick up a copy of “The Blue Book” by Jim Branch that was in the Fellows Lounge and felt further enticed to the title “Letting Go”. In this devotional, Jim Branch leads us through what it looks like to surrender control over the past, present, and future to the King of the past, present, and future. Here is a quote I fixated on and haven’t let go of:

In the end, there are only two ways to live. We can live with either clenched fists or open hands. You can’t have them both. Clenched fists are a refusal: a refusal to let go, a refusal to trust, a refusal to give up control. And unfortunately, in the spiritual life, clenched fists also keep you from being able to receive anything from God. Only empty hands can receive. Therefore, we must let go of whatever our hands are full of before we can ever expect to receive any of the fullness, or the life, that God wants to give us.

- Jim Branch, March, 2016

This was the beginning of a morning that I hope to remember for a long time. Far too often I live a life with clenched fists, desiring control over things that God has proven time and time again He is faithful in. This life is exhausting because it demands attention and energy that I don’t have the capacity to tend to. A posture of open hands is a release of the desire to control, perform, and appear put-together to those around me. So, Lord, I give you my open hands, emptied of trying and control. It isn’t much, but it’s what I come to you with. Fill these empty hands with the fullness of the richness of your glory.

After reading this, the Blue Book continues into the scripture from Genesis 22:1-19. This is a very common an well-known biblical account in which God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, for God. There are a couple of things that stood out to me in this passage on the idea of “Letting Go”. First, Abraham’s response to God the first time he was called and right before sacrificing his only son was simply, “Here I am.” This communicated a beautiful picture of the openness of Abraham to readily receive whatever God was to speak next. Whether that be the command to sacrifice his only son or the command to stop so he and his descendants could be “as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore” who will “take possession of all the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed,” Abraham was obedient and open to the call of his master. The second thing that really affected me when reading this has to do with the trip to the mountain that God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on. Immediately after receiving his command, Abraham set off. For three days he travelled by donkey with his son and two servants to the place which God had commanded him. For three days. Three full days of what I imagine to be the most anxiety producing days of Abraham’s life. I imagine a slow and tired journey in silence where Abraham’s mind was racing over why God would have him sacrifice his one and only son that was a blessing to he and his wife in the first place. I imagine confusion, doubt, sadness, and anger inside Abraham that was like a burning fire within him, unable to speak a word about what the Lord had commanded him to do. All this makes me feel so small and weak in comparison to the Almighty. Never have I dealt with a command as intense as that, yet my mind races all day with clenched fists over what next week, next month, and next year will look like for me. And Abraham came with empty hands saying, “Here I am.”

It’s my hope and my prayer these last couple of months of Fellows to remain present to what the Lord is doing now. I pray for empty hands to become more common in my life and to see the delight of the Lord in my emptiness. I pray for letting go of control over the future and surrendering it to the one who has been and always will be in control. May these last couple of months be full of trust and faithfulness to the One who has proven His faithfulness time and time again.

Jacob McCarthy

All Aboard the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. VII)

April made quite the entrance, with a strong rainstorm, and an unnecessary amount of pollen! We really have a little over a month before we have to become real adults or something like that. It’s time for another monthly check-in on how I am doing in these 4 areas of life: social, physical/health, occupation, and spiritual. 

Social

Ya boy turned 24 this month (March 4)! I was more than excited to celebrate my birthday with the Whited’s, some friends from Raleigh, and my entire immediate family (seeing my brother and his wifey was definitely a surprise, as they live in Baltimore). March 2 is my younger sister’s birthday as well, so the weekend was spent eating jambalaya and king cake, running and playing soccer, and hanging out with family. The fellows celebrated Luke’s birthday the weekend after, and we all went on the Silent Retreat at the St. Francis prayer center in Stoneville, NC (separate from his birthday haha). The Fellows took part in a March Madness bracket challenge, and we all (to some extent) have been keeping up with college basketball and all of the craziness that has taken place! We didn’t have many retreats the 2nd half of the month, so we all spent time visiting family, seeing old friends and making new ones, and just enjoying Raleigh for all it has to offer, especially with the weather starting to warm up! 

Physical / Health

I am still in the process of training for a half-marathon. I have been going on 4-6 mile runs here and there, but now it is time to kick it into high gear! Some of the Fellows actually ran a 10K a couple weekends ago; that was a nice way to get a feel for how a race day goes, and it served as a gauge for how to pace myself and how I feel during a longer run. I also had the opportunity to attend a tryout for a USL2 soccer team(Tobacco Road Football Club) based out of Durham, NC. The tryout included a ton of D1-D3 college athletes, and a few recent college grads / young adults. There were about 40 people that attended, and I am currently waiting to hear back from the coaching staff. If I were to make the team, it would mean that I get to spend this upcoming summer traveling and playing semi-pro soccer, fingers crossed!

Occupational

I am still working at Refugee Hope Partners! Work can seem mundane or pointless at times, but I am really appreciative of the things we do at RHP. Not only do I get to teach kids math and english, but I have started to develop a relationship with some of the people there. Some of the kids are more than willing to read or do math homework, as long as I am willing to listen to them talk about their day at school, or their middle school love life, or their favorite basketball players, or whatever the topic of conversation. There has been a recent push (within the Fellows group) to start looking for jobs and finding out where to work after the Fellows year is over. While I want to be cognizant of the future and plan ahead, I want to finish strongly the work that I have been tasked with at RHP, and I want to fully give myself to my co-workers and the kids during this last month. 

Spiritual

Honestly, throughout the month I feel like I have been spiritually poured into a ton, and I feel pulled in a bunch of different directions. March 2 was Ash Wednesday,  which marked the beginning of the Lenten Season. I decided to give up listening to music when I am by myself, which has been challenging, but I spend car rides and time before bed reflecting on the day or having a conversation with God. The day after, I was blessed with the opportunity to lead the Fellows weekly Roundtable discussion. We talked about the word ‘and’; what it looks like to be more inclusive and considering in our thinking and approach to things (and how Jesus was and is the living definition of the word ‘and’). Our Genogram papers were due roughly a week later, and while that was an amazing experience, it was definitely emotionally and physically draining, especially for those who maybe stayed up late writing it haha. The Silent Retreat was that next weekend, and that was a wonderful weekend away where I got to spend valuable, much-needed time with the Lord. About a week and a half later, Ashley and I sat outside her house in some wonderful weather and we went over the mid-year reviews (which was a sum of all the toasts and roasts, reviewing the Good-Bad-Ugly sides of myself haha). Needless to say, a lot has happened this past month, and I don’t think I have devoted enough time to sit down and think about / reflect on everything that has been happening.

Alright, time to get off this trolley. Until next time!

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from  the month of March

- Early morning coffee is a good way to spend time with your host fam, before everyone’s day gets busy. 

- Leaving from COTA, give yourself ample time if you decide to day-trip to Chapel Hill.

- Do not attempt to cook GF/DF meals if you are not an expert in using coconut milk, nutritional yeast, and flaxseeds. But understand that you can’t always please everybody. 

- ESPN has a Smart Autofill bracket option for March Madness. You are honestly better off flipping a coin!

MARCH

March was the busiest month!! Feels crazy to say that, but it’s true. Some of my very best friends from home came to visit! I spent a few days showing them the great city of Raleigh. We also took a beach day trip! The fellows took a class trip to Chapel Hill and visited North Carolina Study Center. I finished my genogram paper, a little late (sorry Jason). The fellows spent a weekend at the Saint Francis Prayer Center for our silent retreat that was led by Jason and Mary! I loved getting to spend some unhurried time with Jesus. Kayley and I took a day trip to DC with some friends! Worked a lot! I also visited my brother, Jack, and sister-in-law, Darby, in Georgia! Phew, all that and learning lots in classes and roundtable. This month I started to think a lot about what life will look like after fellows, so my prayer request is that all the life things will get situated soon. Like finding a house, job, etc. 

That’s all for now!

Catch you up next month (:

- Hayden

March Madness

March is most definitely madness. I have thoroughly enjoyed this month, and it has most definitely gone by the quickest out of my time here in Raleigh. Relationships are continuing to grow, I’m continuing to learn, and I’m continuing to apply to jobs. Now that the week countdown is on, each day is getting a little bit more realistic that I won’t be a Raleigh fellow forever. However, I’m not worried, because the one who loves the most has his hand over me and I trust in Him to provide. My prayer biggest prayer is provision.

Here are some highlights of March:

• NCAA tournament. I can’t believe that I have to watch my favorite team of all time play against my least favorite team ever, in Coach K’s last year. Someone check on me tomorrow.

• This weather.

• Golf

• My lovely and beautiful Ali. Every moment that I get to spend with her, I take a mental mason jar and capture the moments and store them in the ole coconut.

• Getting to run down to Southern Pines and see my parents. Hi mom and dad.

• Nothing beats the host family. Shoutout Mary, Jason, Tobey, Luke, and pistol Pete.

I can’t wait for this next month.

• - ÑØÅH❤️🤟

Bebruary Plog Fost

Life gets crazy and I’m no professional blogger- not sure who even reads this (hi, mom!)- so here is December / January / and February blog post all in one! A Dejabruary blog if you will. Found that just listing some things I’m thankful for helps shift my mood around no matter what state I’m in so here is 20 things I have been thankful for the last three months!

1. United Skates of America- not a typo, you read that correctly.

2. Mr. Bruce career, vocation, calling specialist- and for realizing that I have high idea productivity, interpersonal relationships, and I’m motivated by influencing people. Not sure how to translate that but excited to find out!

3. Christmas break and driving 26 hours straight to Colorado

4. Genogram papers and interviews. Had a longer conversation with my dad than I’ve had in my whole life probably

5. Starting counseling for the second time with someone who really gets me and helps me talk through things!

6. Learning that I’m decently average at foosball and Big Buck Hunter arcade game

7. Taking a lot of people rock climbing for the first time. Been fun to watch friends enjoy something I like and see them conquer their fears

8. Secret Santa- Melon if you see this you know me so well.

9. SNOW! Snowball fights, snowmen, getting stuck in the Lake Gaston driveway, etc.

10. Running- new hobby but loving it! Foot still going numb 3 miles in but here’s to 13.1!

11. Random 70 degree weather days. I think winter is behind us and feels like everyone is coming out of hiding with the warm weather approaching.

12. Being outside more! I feel more myself again!

13. Church of the Apostles Women’s Retreat- for surprising me in so many ways! I kind of love all those wonderful white-haired women I met!

14. The Miedemas- for letting me basically be their second host fellow for a week straight #Covid. Thanks Queer Eye for sponsoring those sleepovers!

15. Suzy the puppy. Yeah thats all.

16. New classes - Eric. Eddie, Scotty, brain feeling full!

17. Helping Melon find her perfect gown- HELLOWEARETHEBRIDETRIBE

18. Dreaming of the future! Scary but good all at once- so excited to see what chapter unfolds next and getting the chance to choose

19. Raleigh friends- fellows feels like just a small slice of the goodness in Raleigh and I’m grateful I have so much to love about the nut city!

20. The Raleigh Fellows- not sure how I came to love each of them so deeply, but grateful for the opportunity to know them.

That’s all. See you all again helpfully before the end of the year :P

-KK

All Aboard the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. VI)

Yo. February happened so fast! It’s time for another monthly check-in on how I am doing in these 4 areas of life: social, physical/health, occupation, and spiritual. 

Social

February was the only month of the Fellows year where all the weekends were pretty much free (no going out of town, no retreats, etc). While I do love going on retreats, it was nice to just rest and use that time to visit friends and family throughout this month. The Fellows got to celebrate the engagement of Ali and Noah, and we all look forward to celebrating their wedding day this upcoming October! I also got to spend a Saturday with my parents and host parents, as we talked through the Genogram and how to file taxes haha. I also got to spend a weekend visiting UVa friends in Richmond, and visiting Braxton and Emma (his new wifey) in Baltimore. There was one particular weekend that the guys got to spend together; we grabbed some hot dogs with some men from the church, boofed, watched a movie, and hung out with Sam and Beau Crutchfield on that Saturday. 

Physical / Health

I am still getting to play soccer almost weekly. Our indoor season ended, and outdoor began the week after. I have also signed up for a half-marathon (along with some other Fellows and friends). The race is April 30 at Sunset Beach out near Wilmington, so I have got a couple months to train for that. A few of us have been going on runs throughout the month, and I have started learning how to use Strava (send some kudos my way when you have the chance). 

Occupational

I have continued working at Refugee Hope Partners (not fired yet), which includes administrative work, and tutoring elementary and middle school kids. The work can be draining at times, but I do love being able to teach a kid a new concept, and watch them teach it to someone else. I was always told that the best tutors can teach themselves out of a job,  if their kids no longer need them. And that is the mentality I have been striving to work with! 

Spiritual

I have been preparing to lead a Roundtable discussion  next month (the day before my birthday). I couldn’t really think of a particular topic, but spent the month thinking back to a discussion I had with my Dad around Christmas. We  talked about topics in the church that are divisive, and how Christians need to use the word ‘and’ a lot more. I had also noticed that some of our Roundtable discussions have the potential to be divisive. And so I decided to formulate a Roundtable topic on the word ‘and’. The basis of it is understanding that Jesus is the walking and breathing definition of the word ‘and’, and why is that? That’s because He is fully God AND fully man! I think if we, as believers, will stop trending towards seeing everything in black and white, and seeing Jesus in both sides of an argument, will strengthen our relationships with God and with one another. 

Alright, time to get off this trolley. Until next time!

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from  the month of February 

- Don’t forget to do things for your car, like, remember to get an oil change, or fill your tires up every once in a while. 

- Appreciate your mentor, and try to become friends with them if you can! 

- If you aren’t busy, go attend/serve Galentine’s Day at Church of the Apostles.

- Generally speaking, don’t let your house get to the point where there is black mold growing in every room.

Music

I think that February has been a month that has reminded me how much I love music. I’ve always really loved music, whether I am listening to it or playing music, I just love to be immersed in it. Over the last couple of years though, I feel like my love for music has dwindled down. I wasn’t listening to as much music or playing guitar that much and because of Covid, I haven’t been to shows in two years. But like I said February has made music feel so different and vibrant the way that it was before.

I think the first thing that really made it stand out to me was when I went to a show with a friend near the beginning of the month. It was the first heavy band that I had seen since the pandemic started. I was able to go with one of my close friends from high school. Being able to catch up with him and to listen to a band that we really enjoyed was so great and felt so good to catch up with him in that way.

The other thing was that Brendan and I have talked about making some music together. We haven’t really started on anything with it, but I think that it will be a fun project for us to work on and give us both a creative and musical outlet that maybe we don’t get to use as much.

Finally, I’ve been writing a lot of music on my own. I work on writing lyrics everyday and play guitar when I can. February has been a really good month to reconnect me with a passion that had started to flicker out. I feel invigorated to write as music as I can in the coming months.

-Dyl

February

Ah, February, the hardest month to spell (why is the r before the u?)

Anyways, here we are back with another blog post. And here are some highlights that have happened this month:

• My lovely and Beautiful Ali has been on that grind time working at johnnie-o and I got my first piece of drip that I plan to rep all of the time.

• The weather has turned and it’s starting to be BEAUTIFUL prime time golf season.

• Classes. Something that I have learned to love is such a beautiful thing. We get to learn on the New Testament, biblical finance, world view, and many more awesome ideas.

• round table. Round tables have been great because each fellow has been leading them. Getting to hear certain ideas and topics that some of my best friends are passionate about is such a glorious picture of the kingdom. It’s a true gift that God has given us to be able to come together and converse about what is going on in our world.

• The fun idea of the job search. I’m in denial that may is as close as it is.
  

  I think it’s safe to say that I have just had a great month. A ton of highs and not too many lows. If that’s what I’m guaranteed to have for the rest of my time in this program, I couldn’t be more excited. I absolutely adore all of my friends and new community that isn’t so new anymore.
  

  Praise be to God.
  

  - ŃØÄH❤️🤟

A slow start.

It seems fitting that my first blog post of the new year (special edition 2-in-1! January AND February!!) is coming in a little late. Lately, life as a fellow has been picking up again. We’re in the mid semester swing of things and it feels like there’s so much happening, especially right now! Retreats, new classes, new cooking partners, roundtable being led by my fellow fellows, and Bolash family dinners are BACK and better than ever! (shoutout Bolash cafe) ;)  But amidst all the happenings of the past couple months and looking ahead to life after fellows (don’t even get me started on this), the Lord has been repeatedly turning my attention to slowness. It’s really fitting of Him to point out the thing that seems so far from my reach these days. It’s really easy to find myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off (my apologies if you’ve encountered me in this frenzied state haha). Our packed schedule and my own appetite for a full calendar can leave me worn out and hurrying along more than I’d like to admit. BUT GOD is really good at being unhurried and He invites His people to do the same. The other day, I was looking through my journal I’ve kept throughout this year as a Raleigh fellow and I fell across a line I wrote during our very first class with Mary Young, 

“Trust the slow work of God.” 

This line is one I’ve written again and again and prayed over and over since that very first day! You’d think I’d have it figured out by now, but looks like I’m still learning! Thankfully, that’s how grace works. Just as it happens, today marks the first day of Lent! Even as I’m writing this blog post, the ashes on my forehead are reminding me just how great my need for grace is. How fitting that the season of Lent beckons us towards God’s love through intentional slowness and sparseness. May this posture of patience lend us to see the abundance of His grace!!! 

With joy and in Christ always,

Kassie Starnes

February

Fellows Room - Ashley got an office in the church that we turned into a lounge space for us to work and hang out. It has been fun to work from home in there and have a little gathering place!

Everybody eats! - Jacob and I cooked for roundtable this month & that was fun! I have really enjoyed roundtable this semester with everyone getting the chance to lead and share topics that are on their hearts.

Beach! - We went to Wrightsville beach last weekend for the COTA Women’s retreat and it was such a joy to meet women of all ages in the church and have everyone come together to learn about Jesus.

Rest - This month I have really valued my time spent alone. I have gotten some great rest and moments with the Lord through this. 

Uv Rays! - I am super thankful for the beautiful warm days that we finally saw in February! The sunshine makes me so happy.

Apostles - I have really loved leading small group at Apostles. Adelaide, Sarah, and I are leading 8th grade girls and it has been really neat to learn from them. It has been fun to watch them mature in their faith from September to now!

Roller Skating - We had girl’s night at United Skates of America!!! Roller skating ended up being way more fun than I was expecting, I loved getting to spend it with Ali and Natalie too<3

Yay!! - Hahah I can’t think of a better ‘Y’ word than “yay”, but looking back on February I am so thankful for all of the moments, big and small. This was really a blessing and full of so much joy, so yay!!

-Hayden