Austin’s Top 10 – February 2022

*This is not ranked in order, just an overall top ten from this month*

1. Family

I’ve been interviewing my family the past couple of weeks for our genogram paper that I’ll be writing sooner than I am prepared to. Doing the interviews with my family though was a great experience. Getting to hear what life was like for my parents growing up as well as getting insight on my sisters’ perspective of our childhood was awesome and gives me an even greater appreciation for my family and how much they mean to me.

2. Guys Retreat

The guys didn’t retreat to the beach or the lake, but we did have a fun weekend in Raleigh. We went to a Dive Bar with the men from Apostles (don’t listen to Dylan when he says there won’t be food), played catan, watched a movie, and watched Trinity Academy play a great game for the State Championship (they came up just short, but it was awesome to watch them fight in a close game to the end). Also, none of us lost our voices.

3. Inductive Bible Study

One of our classes this semester is Inductive Bible Study with Eric Bolash. Eric is leading us through an inductive bible study on The Sermon on the Mount. I’ve loved the intentionality that we get to spend in the scripture during our time in class, spending an extended amount of time in the same piece of scripture. Making sure we hear as much as we can from the Lord in each verse, and then talking to each other about the different things that we see and hear.

4. Scott Steele

Scott teaches our WorldView class; he’s a great teacher and even better at caring for the people around him. Not only was he extremely caring when we were all accidently at Chickfila as class was starting, but he even welcomed us all to his house for dinner one night. He and his wife made some amazing taco’s and although I didn’t win the door prize’s that they gave out, I had a great time.

5. Valentine’s Day

For the past 4 Valentines Days, Natalie and I have enjoyed a candlelit dinner at the finest restaurant in town: Waffle House. Waffle House goes all out for Valentines Day and it has become a staple for Natalie and I every year. I strongly suggest that you make a reservation next year.

6. The Wheel

If you consistently find yourself not being able to decide on where to go for food, or what you and your friends should do for the day; then the wheel is for you. Simply create a custom wheel online with whatever options you want (I strongly suggest including Juices Wild) and give it a spin. Guaranteed to provide countless hours of entertainment.

7. Round Table

February provided some amazing round table discussions. My fellow fellows did a great job in leading the topics that they chose and created a comfortable space to have deep, vulnerable, challenging, and insightful conversations.

8. Basketball

I’ve been playing a good amount of basketball the past month and I really hope that this continues. Basketball is the easiest way to trick myself into doing a lot of running without being miserable the whole time.

9. The Chosen

The Chosen is a show about the life of Jesus, focused on his time in ministry with the disciples. The show does an amazing job of staying true to scripture and providing a new way to connect with the word. If you’re looking for a show to binge watch, you can blow through the 2 available seasons of The Chosen like it’s nothing.

10. Apostles AV

This year I’ve volunteered to help run the sound at church a few Sunday’s. They are early mornings but once I’m up it is a cool experience to get a little bit of a behind the scenes of how the service is run and it is pretty fun to press the buttons on the big sound board.

Treasures

Happy January.. And February!!!! As I post this in MARCH!!!

There's no way around it.. I have been EXTREMELY slacking in the timeliness of my blog hehehe… but what a true testament to the fullness of this year so far! There has been no shortage of the Lord’s presence in my life in these first two months of 2022 and I am continually trying to take the time to stop and really witness all the little ways that He has shown up! In the spirit of taking note of these things I decided to compile a list of January and February moments! Things that have been both big and small that have been fruitful in so many ways!

• Self assessments! Growing in understanding of the ways that the Father has created me has been both stretching and exciting! Using these tests we take as a tool into our lives and as members of the body will be so impactful!

• Seeing a Lake Gaston sunrise with the snow slowly melting away

• A Saturday at Dorthea Dix park with the first signs of spring and warm weather

• Tuesday night bible studies with my host sister Nancy :) truly what a gift that time has been! 

• Being available, reminding myself that the Lord will intervene in my plans, and allowing space for him to meet me there

• Standing alongside my best friend as she married her best friend!! There is so much beauty and so much power in witnessing two become one! Its the most perfect convent on display of becoming one with the Father, just as John the Baptist tells us in John 3:28- 30 !!

 “You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’ The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. 

He must increase, but I must decrease.

• Karaoke night at the Church of the Apostles Women’s Retreat!!!!! (honorable mention to our tik tok dance tutorial session the night before!!) 

• Remembering that all the information that we learn through our classes and speakers will take time to fully, deeply sink in and that there will be time to process and to understand all of the wisdom we so graciously receive

• Robin Vincent. Where in the world would I be without her!!!! I have no doubt at all the Lord placed me in your home with great intentionality and care.. And I am so grateful!

• Silly goofy crazy time on the Monday night drive to Neighbor to Neighbor !! 

• Finally, settling into my own awareness of how much I desperately need the Father and allowing His mercies to wash over me.. In this season I have been becoming more and more attuned to my need for Him and just how lacking my days are when I choose to not let him into the most mundane tasks. He is slowly revealing to me the road that leads to wholeness… a road He has prepared for me long before I even existed! 

This is just a glimpse into all the fullness that these two months have brought!!! I am hopeful that this transition from winter to spring will bring even more moments that point me back to the Savior and His promises!

All the Love, 

Lauren :)

The Little Things

Just like a blink of an eye and February’s gone! Wow, what a whirlwind of a month. This month was filled with winter rains, warm smiles, and Sunday mornings wrapped in a blanket next to the fire. When entering a fellows year, it can be so easy to have these high expectations that every day is chalked full of the extraordinary. It can be so easy to believe that every day has to be better than the one before it like you are on a roller-coaster that only goes up. However, as we know all too well, life contains both the extraordinary and the ordinary, and we have to learn to see Christ in both. So, listed below are a few little things, the “simple things” that have allowed me to see God in the ordinary.

Tommy Rychener

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and the second that conversation ends, you feel like your soul is recharged? That’s how I feel every time I talk to Tommy. He is kind, attentive, hilarious, empathetic, and radiates the Holy Spirit every single day. Each fellow in our class is paired with a fellow from the previous class to “live life with” during our fellows year. I could not have been blessed with someone more loving and caring than Tommy. After every conversation I have with him, I feel as though I am seen, known, and heard. He’s one of those guys that you just feel closer to The Lord by being around him. 

Last weekend, we met at this tiny Hispanic bodega in North Raleigh. There, sitting at this tiny table, he gave me maybe the best advice I’ve ever gotten. He told me to be “speak gently to myself.” Wow. Mind blown right? Sitting here today, I’m realizing that I’ve never done that before, but I am so freaking excited to start.

The Alexander Family

Throughout my fellows year, I have gotten the unbelievable opportunity to help lead a middle school boys' small group. These boys are goofy, wild, hilarious, and so hungry for The Lord. During my time leading them I’ve had the ability to connect on a really meaningful level with some of the kids. One of the kids, Jack Alexander, has already made an incredible impact on me. You might be asking yourself, as one does, how does an 8th-grade boy have such an impact on a 23-year-old youth leader. Well, throughout loving and getting to know Jack, I have gotten to know his family as well.

The amazing thing about Apostles is that the community embraces you just as Christ would. The Alexanders are no exception. One of the most powerful, joyous conversations I’ve ever had with someone, was when Sarah Alexander (Jack’s Mom) and I sat in rocking chairs and talked about my desire for teaching. No one, and I mean no one, had ever taken the time to sit with me and talk about my dreams. It was unbelievable. 

After our little chat, I went inside their house, a house filled with so much laughter and love, and watched the US soccer game with Daniel, David, and Jack. For me, that night and those small things, sparked a revival in my heart that sped me right towards The Lord.

Nursery

If you haven’t picked up on it already, I love kids. I truly believe they are the purest examples of joy and love. So, while I am volunteering with the youth group on Sunday Nights, I have also spent the first Sunday morning of every month with the little munchkins in the nursery. Let me be the first to tell you, these kids are WILDIN. My little man Carter is off the chain. But there is something so healing about being surrounded by the tiny laughter of babies and infants. Each and every little giggle brings the biggest smile to my face. It also has been awesome to work alongside my girl Morgan (2021 fellow) and get to know her better too. Shoutout to all those crazy kiddos and their unbelievable parents.

Stacey Cochran

So, if you’ve talked to me at all in the last few months you would hear how my job has not been at all what I expected it to be. Even though it has been one of the most difficult parts of my fellows year, it has also been one of the ways I have seen The Lord the most. Once a week, I get to work with my girl Stacey Cochran. Stacey is our amazing accountant who works at the desk directly behind mine. She will be the first to tell you how different we are, she’s got three kids in college and does not like people (lol) and I am 23 and love being around others. Yet, she has been my biggest cheerleader, a constant source of laughter, and just a really solid friend in the workplace. Every week she cheers my dreams on and gives me the confidence to believe in myself again. It is the people like her that will make me miss working at my job after fellows’ ends.

Warm Winter Days

As soon as winter in Raleigh hit I knew that cold weather was not at all for me. I love being outside, lying in the grass, staring up at the stars. What I don’t love is waking up every morning and scraping ice off my Rav 4 and wearing 5 layers of clothes like I’m going for a hike in Alaska. That’s just not my vibe. But, I loved those warm February days where I could walk out of my house barefoot, where I could look out and see the kids playing in the streets. It is in those moments, that I really feel connected to my Abba Father.

-Luke Harvin

Attentiveness

There were 2 pivotal pieces of wisdom that were shared to the group by my fellow Fellows this semester that have been really influential in the way that I’ve viewed February and hope to view the rest of the semester. They both happened during a roundtable a couple of weeks ago when we were asked the question, “How have you seen God show up in your life this week?” People said really beautiful and encouraging things about their host families, mentors, people in the church, classes, Neighbor 2 Neighbor, and a ton of other good things the Raleigh Fellows has to offer. But what Kassie and Luke said has stuck with me over the month.

Kassie replied by talking about how she teared up from something as small as a sunny day where it was 75 degrees outside. She elaborated on how it meant Spring was coming and there’s so much to look forward to while still staying grounded in the present. She talked about the budding of the flowers and how God is in every detail of creation. Luke replied by saying something as simple as, “the little things.” He went on to talk about how his workplace hasn’t been the greatest, but he’s seen growth with some of his co-workers and how that’s such a testament to the Lord.

Both of these comments, while Kassie and Luke may think they just got swept under the rug, have really affected the way that I view everyday life with the Lord. As someone who started a relationship with Jesus late in high school and felt worth by being hardworking and doing the right thing, for years I felt most worthy of God’s love by waking up early, spending time with the Lord, and starting my day that way. Throughout college this mentality never swayed, and I tried to be intentional and disciplined enough to make sure all of my days started this way. It was what I knew, and it was how I felt like I was doing what was right as a Christian man. I want to emphasize here how it is a really good thing to daily come to the table and spend time in the living word of God. But I also want to stress how I’ve been affected by thinking God’s love is conditional to a set time and place every day. Kassie and Luke have helped me to see that God is all around us at all times and is constantly making Himself known to us if we would just open our eyes to see Him. I’m reminded of Chapter 6 of Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning in which Manning says:

“If our faith is alive and luminous, we will be alert to moments, events, and occasions when the power of resurrection is brought to bear on our lives. Self-absorbed and inattentive, we fail to notice the subtle ways in which Jesus is snagging our attention.”

This quote is so true and is a reality check to me as to the ways I’m noticing the present risenness of Jesus in the here and now. He’s constantly trying to snag our attention and tell us, “Look! Here I am! Right next to you!” The reality is, He really is all around. To think that He’s limited in His ability to present Himself to us is absurd. I’m eager when looking into the future and noticing all the small things that are around me that are little testaments to the Lord’s faithfulness throughout the day.

 It’s crucial to realize that we can’t close God in a box and take Him out whenever we feel like it or whenever is most convenient to us. His love is unconditional and timeless as well as devoted and enduring. He’s a jealous God who desires our love for Him through faith in His son who died on the cross for us. And if we aren’t present to the risenness of Jesus and the resurrection life that accompanies it, we aren’t living into the true selves that God longs for us to become. With that being said, here are some of the smaller things that I’ve noticed the Lord in over the course of the month thanks to my friends who provoked me to start noticing.

-        Praying over every meal, not just when we sit down together on Thursday nights.

-        Conversations with pastors and people in the church outside of the church setting.

-        Celebrating my mom for her birthday dinner in Asheville.

-        Being with my high school friends and having conversations about real life, not just sports and insignificant stuff.

-        Taking the 2 oldest Boulton boys to the Trinity basketball game.

-        Talking with some of the high schoolers in the youth group about their lives

-        Driving with my friend Peyton to Charlotte for a concert.

-        Time with Sam Crutchfield and the rest of the Raleigh Fellas.

-        Writing my mid-year reviews for the Fellows.

-        Going on runs and thankfulness for a healthy body.

-        Thrifting with Brendan.

-        Serving at the Galentines Party for the youth group kids.

Jacob McCarthy

Namaste: Greeting Love and Transition

Rewind to the second month of Fellows. I’m being celebrated by my Host family (S/O to Tal, Michael, Calley, and Sushi Mangum) for my 23rd birthday. Along with the spectacular birthday affirmation notes, the Mangum family blessed me with a membership to a hot yoga studio downtown. Since October, I’ve had the privilege of going to hot yoga (108 degrees hot to be exact!!!) about three times a week. My experience thus far has been incredible: the rhythmic motions, postures, and transitions have created a sense of comfort in my own body as well as my mind and spirit. Throughout my practice, I’ve synthesized four points of reflection. 

My first point of reflection relates to my inner life. At the beginning of class, the instructor prompts us to make an intention for our practice. An intention can be anything – a single word, a person, or even a prayer. I’ve found myself finding differing intentions in class, but the person I give it to is the same. I give it to my younger self. I honor the little girl who has a high ponytail, mud on knees, and ready for an adventure. I intentionally tell her that she is loved and treasured. I whisper to her that the Father has grace, care, nurturement, and patience for her. I give it to the Kris who didn’t know any of these things growing up. Giving myself these intentions have been powerful and healing as I work through past trauma.  For this, I am grateful.                                                         

A second point of reflection relates to the motions, gestures, and transitions throughout class. My favorite instructors, Claudine and Ali, frequently verbalizes that transition don’t need to be fast, they just need to be embraced. Transitions are essential and important because they create the flow of the yoga practice. Often, postures are hard, and I fall or become misaligned. In times when postures are hard and I stumble, both instructors encourage me to respond and react gracefully as I transition into the next posture. I love this philosophy because it doesn’t negate my falling(s) but instead embraces failure with grace. The transition between postures reminds me of the transitions of life. Transitioning – like life – means either change or failure. Regardless if it’s the former or latter – or both - I must learn to embrace difficulty and change with gentleness, care, and patience. This reflection point has encouraged me to embrace my failings and respond with grace rather than shame, which is what I tend to do far too frequently. For this aspect of yoga, I am grateful. 

An additional reflection point is similar to the former. Claudine and Ali will ask us to begin class with palms faced down in surrender. At the end of class, they invite us to posture our palms upward in praise. I love this posture because it’s very illustrative of the Sermon on the Mount and, more specifically the Beatitudes. Eric Bolash, our inductive Bible study teacher, has been leading the Fellows to study the Sermon on the Mount. I’ve learned that the first Beatitude – being poor in spirit – was intentionally put first because it’s the beginning point of our walk with Christ. This means recognizing and acknowledging our depravity apart from Christ. In a similar manner, at the beginning of class I arrive poor in spirit. I surrender everything to the Father, confessing that I am nothing apart from Him. Throughout class, I breathe out the bad fruit/lies in my life and breathe in Truth with each new posture. I invite the Lord and Holy Spirit to bring in His blessing upon me. Then, at the end of class, I have my palms up in praise that I have an aboundingly perfect Father who is full of mercy. For this aspect of yoga, I am grateful. 

My last reflection point relates to a couple phrases frequently verbalized by all the yoga instructors. Typically, throughout our practice, the instructor will say, “Be selfish in here so that you can be more selfless out there”. This word has encouraged me to create space and care for myself, even outside of class. Another phrase that every yoga instructor says at the conclusion of every class is “Namaste”. In response, all the yogis respond “Namaste”. After my first-time practicing, I had no idea what this meant, so of course – like any 5 on the enneagram does - I looked it up. I found that Namaste simply means saying hello or goodbye in a respective manner. It’s communicating to another person to leave the current space with peace. I love this greeting because it reminds me to greet myself and others with care and tenderness. For the words of encouragement I receive during class, I am grateful. 

So, to say that hot yoga has been impactful for me would be an understatement. My practice has led me to surrender and praise the Father and through this form of worship, I’ve given permission to 23-year-old Kris to love, care, and nurture the little, younger, and innocent Kris. It’s through the discipline of loving the Father and loving myself exactly where I am when I show up on the mat that I’ve found more strength to love others. Overall, I am grateful. As I continue to practice, I want to welcome the changes in life that will occur soon (AHHH, Fellows is almost over!!) and continue to love.

Kris

My friend, Lauren

If you know Lauren, you know how good she is. I know that is such a vague word to use when describing someone, but seriously Lauren is so freaking good. She has been a treat to me in the Fellows program.

Lauren and I had no hard time finding ways that we could connect with each other. From marvel movies, to trying new coffee shops just to realize we stand for corporate coffee and will always choose Starbucks, and to obnoxiously singing Hamilton songs everywhere. But one of my favorite conversations that I had with Lauren was on a Genogram retreat with Jason Young.

The assignment was to identify where you've been hurt in life and then to place tape on your bodies to share your scars with each other. This was such an intimidating exercise, and really vulnerable too. When I found out I was paired with Lauren for this exercise, my anxiety crept away. Sharing my scars with Lauren was easy, sharing that information with her felt like she had walked alongside me in every moment that the piece of tape depicted on my body.

When I think about Lauren I’m reminded of Ruth in the Bible. (another point of connection Lauren and I have, as we both love the book of Ruth.)

14 Again they cried openly. Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-bye; but Ruth embraced her and held on. 15 Naomi said, “Look, your sister-in-law is going back home to live with her own people and gods; go with her.” 16-17 But Ruth said, “Don’t force me to leave you; don’t make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I’ll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I’ll die, and that’s where I’ll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!” 18-19 When Naomi saw that Ruth had her heart set on going with her, she gave in. And so the two of them traveled on together to Bethlehem.

Being friends with Lauren often feels like this. Lauren is a friend that goes where you go and stays where you stay. You know when her presence is gone and you feel her willingness to love others well is servant hearted. I often feel like there’s no point in hiding who I am with Lauren, as I know she loves me for all of me and chooses to celebrate that with me. I’ve got no doubt that I’m not the only one who feels this way about her.

I love you steadfast sister,

melon.

Reflecting on January

Wow, I can’t believe January has come and gone so quickly. I know that I’m a little late here, but I would still love to share my thoughts after reflecting on January. 

The first 10, or 11, or I don’t even know how many days, we spent at Lake Gaston were definitely eventful. We headed off to Bracy, VA to hear from our friend Bruce who lead us in the Career, Calling, and Vocation retreat. This was jammed packed with knowledge, where he talked to us about the gifts, desires, and opportunities that the Lord has specifically chosen for each of us. This was really neat, especially doing a lot of introspective reflecting and acknowledging the special ways that God has knitted us all. 

We spent the first half of those days enjoying the retreat, and the next half in quarantine, thx COVID. :/

While some of those days were really long, I have an even greater appreciation for the community that the fellows has offered me. This has been an answer to a prayer that I’ve had for a long time. 

After we got back to Raleigh, I turned 23! Woohooo! It was really sweet to see how much this group has wrapped its arms around me, and I felt really loved! I spent my birthday dinner at my host family’s house, and the Miedema’s also showed me so much love! I am so thankful for their family and the way they have embraced me into their home. That following weekend, I thought I was going to meet one of Jacob’s friends, but when I walked up the stairs I saw two familiar faces. My parents surprised me!! They flew all the way from Texas to see me and I got to spend some much needed time with my favorite people! I am still shocked they were able to pull off the surprise, and shoutout Kayley who went the extra mile to keep it that way. 

We also went on a retreat with John Richmond, who was the former US Ambassador for Human Sex Trafficking. I know, crazy! This was a really unique opportunity, and he talked to us about the “Richmond family rules”, which has been a guide for them on how to do life in a way that is honoring Jesus. My favorite one, ‘be generous’. It sounds so simple, but I love how he spoke on not only being generous with our monetary gifts, but also our people. Introduce friends to friends, and the idea of “giving generous assumptions” has really stuck with me. 

All that to say, January, you were full, fun, fleeting, and freezing. Thx for the mems <3

-Hayden

A picture is worth a 1000 words

The month of January was FULL. We hit the ground running as soon as we arrived back in Raleigh from December break. To be frank, it was challenging to set aside time to write a blog. So, instead of expressing my journey through January with words, I am going to do so with pictures! After all, you know what they say, “A picture is worth a thousand words”.

SNOW DAY at Lake Gaston during our career and vocation retreat

Celebrating sweet Hayden’s bday

Catch us April 30th running 13.1 miles @ Sunrise beach

… You already know

THEY ROCK!!!…. oh, and arcade games are cool too.

Spontaneous decision to get nose ring$$$$

Because it only makes sense to visit the nut downtown when you live in the City of Oaks

In case you didn’t know, some of us really like hotdogs

Tennis partner dynamic duo?!??!

Yes - I’m the person who plays a song on repeat until mastering the lyrics. This song has been really helpful throughout the month of January as I processed our vocational/career calling and John Richmond retreats.

Remember that time when we almost got stuck at Lake Gaston?

Kris

All Aboard the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. V)

Oh hello. January really flew by, and we are really 8.33% done with 2022 already. Kinda wild. It’s time for another monthly check-in on how I am doing in these 4 areas of life: social, physical/health, occupation, and spiritual. 

Social

The fellows spent the beginning of the new year at Docksology (Lake Gaston) for our Career, Calling, and Vocation Retreat. As some of you already know, the retreat came to an abrupt ending, with many of us getting or being exposed to COVID. There is no better place to do quarantine than a secluded lake house. That was a wonderful time spent with other fellows, but health and emotion tends to take a toll during any type of quarantine. Since coming back to Raleigh, I would say I have been emotionally balanced. I have experienced some joys and some sorrows, some laughs and some hardships. I am working with a lot more people at my new job than my previous, which can be overwhelming at times to my introverted self. But I really like the work that I am doing (more on that below). 

Physical / Health

My health and hygiene was atrocious during quarantine haha, but getting back into a regular rhythm helped with that. I am getting sufficient sleep I suppose,  as playing soccer and lifting makes me a little more sleepy by the end of the day. I have developed somewhat of a proper night routine; I started charging my phone outside of my room at night. Doing that keeps me from wasting hours before I go to sleep (and first thing when I wake up). I didn’t have the opportunity to play any music at a Sunday church service due to being out of town, or the random weekend ‘snows’ that took place this past month. 

Occupational

After our little quarantine episode, I started working at Refugee Hope Partners (RHP) alongside Kris Levesque. I typically spend the mornings doing administrative work, personal projects, or helping out in a daycare center while some parents are taking English classes.  Afternoons are spent tutoring math and English to elementary and middle school kids. This is drastically different from the engineering work I was doing beforehand, and I am engaging with a lot more people throughout the day. While it can be tiring at times, I really like teaching, and I am slowly beginning to see the fruits of the labor at RHP. Outside of the occupational aspect, I want to continue to build on my relationships with the kids, staff, and interns. This job likely won’t be something I keep doing after Fellows, but I am grateful to be working here in the meantime!  

Spiritual

I read the book of Hebrews in the latter half of January. Our Old Testament professor Aaron Gann told us to check out Hebrews after finishing up the OT. Personally, I think it is a good book to read for those who are either: maybe hung up on seeing OT tradition as an ultimate thing, or having a hard time seeing the parallels of Jesus in the OT, and these obviously aren’t the only two reasons. But from what I got, Jesus is the better, upgraded, 2.0 version of every person and every thing in this world. He is above the angels (Ch. 1), He is the purest and greatest human to ever live (Ch. 2), He is the better Moses/Abraham/Isaac/Jacob/etc. So when we begin to wrongfully put our trust in the things of this world (money, people’s approval or love, land, strength and influence, and so on), we need to be reminded of what is true. The riches He has for us in Heaven far surpass any type of wealth we could accumulate here on Earth. The love He gives us is much greater than anything we could experience from the people in our lives. We have a ruler who can empathize with our weakness, and provides us with enough strength to overcome temptation time and time and time again. I look forward to implementing this idea that Jesus is the greater _____ in many areas of my life. 

Alright, time to get off this trolley. Until next time!

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from  the month of January

- Always pack extra underwear, socks, and whole outfits in case you find yourself in quarantine

- I only recommend a Polar Plunge if a hot tub is readily available. Don’t be like Harry Potter in 7 part 1.

- Give yourself at least  2 hours for Genogram interviews, and don’t expect them to go as planned.

- Cook white rice in small portions. Or get the microwavable packs. Or just don’t cook rice ever again.

Austin’s Top 10 - January 2022

*This is not ranked in order, just an overall top ten from this month*

1. Fire Master

At Lake Gaston me and Noah built a fire in the snow. It took a lot of time and effort, but we got it done and it was the best.

2. John Richmond

John Richmond is one of the wisest people I’ve gotten a chance to listen to. Getting a chance to listen to him and his family talk about their families’ values and rules was an honor.

3. Werewolf & Body Body

Not only did our retreat with John Richmond provide a lot of wisdom, we also had a lot of fun. We played a lot of this game Werewolf with John’s son Mount, as well as body body with the whole family.

4. The woman at the well - John 4: 4-14

“4 Now he had to go through Samaria. 5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. 7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” 11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?” 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” “

5. Music Bingo

Natalie and I went on a triple date last week with Sam/ Mary Ellen & Noah / Ali and we found a music bingo night. We may or may not have had to use Shazam a few times, but it was a lot of fun. Things took a turn however as I won a round of music bingo, only to tie with someone else, and then go on to lose in a tiebreaker for a magnificent $5 gift card.

6. Snow

Another big highlight from January, snow. Snow is the best, it is the only redeeming thing that can come from the weather being freezing cold, so thankfully we finally got some this year.

7. Get Right Season

First, I got an Apple Watch. Second, I’ve started running/ going to the gym on a more regular basis. So, watch out.

8. Pinball

I think I played more pinball in January than I ever have before. There’s a chance that the one pinball machine I used tells everyone that they made the top 10 high scores, but either way I made the top 10 leaderboard on one of the pinball machines in Boxcar.

9. Biblical Finance

One Fellows class that we had this month was biblical finance. I really enjoyed listening to and reading scripture about what the Bible says about money and how you should take care of it. Being a man of finance myself, I found the class very interesting and look forward to the second-class next month.

10. Cameron Indoor

NC State basketball has been a train wreck this season, and our game against Duke didn’t go to well for us. I was able to still have a great time however because Noah and I drove out to Durham and scalped tickets for the game. We didn’t get to sit together but we still both got tickets and it was an awesome experience getting to see a game inside of Cameron.

Quarantine

I started the new year heading back to Raleigh, negative Covid test in hand, to get ready for the first retreat of the year. I hadn’t seen my friends since our Christmas party, but I didn’t realize how much I had missed them until I saw them. Joy welled up inside of me and any doubts about coming back went away. We packed up into our cars and headed back to Lake Gaston for the retreat.

The retreat is called “Career, Calling, Vocation.” Over break each of us had to take a few assessments for this retreat. Our teacher, Bruce, went through these assessments with us, helping figure out things were good and bad at and ways to work on both. The one-on-one time that I had with Bruce gave me a lot to think about, to help me with my journey of being who the Lord desires me to be even more.

About half-way through the retreat however, Covid struck. Taking all the precautions and following guidelines, half of us left to quarantine and the other half stayed to quarantine at the lake house. We finished the rest of the retreat over Zoom and after that me, along with seven others watched all of Harry Potter for the rest of the week. Quarantine at the lake was actually a blessing, it was time to spend with each other and be lazy with each other. When quarantine ended, I was ready to go. I wanted to start to put into practice what I had learned over the retreat.

So here a month later and I still reflect on the time at the lake house and the conversation I had with Bruce. I’m still figuring out a lot of what we went over and how to apply it and it’s been a slow and hard process so far, but it’s been fulfilling as well. Thank you, Jesus, for these friends and for all lessons I’ve learned in 2022 so far.

-Dyl

Monthly Examen

If you know me well, you would know that I’m someone who likes to remain busy and have a full calendar. This doesn’t always mean I have to be with someone, but I like the idea that my day has structure and every moment is filled with either a goal to accomplish, a relationship to grow, or time to be with Jesus. While I typically view this as a good thing, it makes it easy for me to finish a day and not reflect on what just happened because of the thought of what tomorrow will look like. Will I be just as productive? How will this situation or conversation go? Will I have work to do when I get online tomorrow morning? I’m thankful for this month and the opportunity it’s given me to slow down, be okay with the uncomfort that a life without routine brings, and to really focus on what God has done during the day.

One of the most impactful and transformative parts of January for me was a Monday morning at the Young’s house. It was there that Mary Young introduced us to the Spiritual Formation practice of Examen. Examen is a way to reflect on your day, week, month, or any period of time in order to see where God is at work. From the packet she gave us about Examen, a 5 step process was listed. Here are the steps:

1. Gratitude: It’s fitting that the beginning of any time we have with Jesus be to acknowledge His power, goodness, and love for us. Taking a moment to be grateful for who God is before entering into personal reflection is crucial because a failure to do so would eliminate God from being present over the period of time we’re reflecting on. If I don’t acknowledge His faithfulness, I will fail to see how He was involved in every aspect of my day.

2. Petition: Asking God to remove obstacles and distractions from the time you’re spending with Him in silence is a remarkable thing.

3. Review: This has to do with consolations and desolations over the period of time you’re spending time with the Lord about. The review portion of Examen has to do with events, responses, feelings, and emotions. It’s important to not just recall what happened, but also how it made you feel and how you responded.

4. Forgiveness: Ask God to heal you and forgive you from all the poor reactions and emotions you had. There is power asking for mercy.

5. Renewal: Look forward to tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. Take delight in the fact that you’re growing more and more into the person He created you to be.

Today, my good friend Kassie sent us a podcast from “The Next Right Thing” on the practice of Examen. In it, Emily says this.

“The daily examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and discern God’s direction for us. It can help us see where God is working in our lives every day.”

It’s funny how something so simple as recalling the events of your day, week, month, or year can be such a powerful tool that reminds us of a God at work. I think the most important distinction, though, between “recalling the events of your day” and "Examen” is that Examen takes events and emotions and allows us to discern God’s direction for the future. I hope to put the practice of Examen into my everyday life and give God space to continue developing me into the likeness of His Son. That being said, here are my consolations and desolations from the review portion of my monthly Examen of January.

Consolations:

• 1 on 1 with Bruce at Lake Gaston. I felt very known and seen and he really pushed me to address the negative parts of my personality.

• Harry Potter movie marathon. Half Blood Prince is unmatched. Let me know your favorite of the series if you’re reading this!

• Multiple runs training for a half-marathon. Sunset Beach, April 30th, be there.

• Hayden’s parents visiting and having a fun night out. Greg and Elizabeth are incredible and it’s so evident in the daughter they raised.

• Movie night with the youth group at Hayes’ house. We watched Rocky IV and it was sick.

• Afternoon tennis with my fellows friends and college friends. I love seeing all my favorite people together.

• A weekend with John Richmond. John is incredibly wise and I could listen to him talk forever.

• First Neighbor 2 Neighbor back. I was really excited to see Demauri and he felt similarly to see me (I think). We played 1 on 1 basketball and then got challenged by a couple other kids. I love playing sports with those boys.

• Kassie’s Round Table on voting. I love how she led us in conversation in something that we take for granted sometimes and show how it’s a good thing.

• All the Fellows guys. I just really feel the Lord moving in the relationships with the boys and I’m really grateful for all of them <3.

• Boulton’s + Fellows Dinner Night. There was a night that a lot of the Fellows came to the Boulton’s and we all cooked dinner together. We cooked, listened to music, and laughed together. I’m thankful for the Boulton’s hospitality and eagerness to care for all the Fellows.

Desolations:

• COVID. Most of the Fellows got wiped out at the beginning of 2022 but we stuck to the guidelines and everyone recovered!

• The first couple runs of my training. I’m not who I was in high school anymore. But it’s okay, BACK ON TOP SOON!

• Sleeping in. There’s been multiple days where I’m too exhausted after waking up to get out of bed and it’s affected my time with Jesus in the morning.

• Hot Tub Rash. Don’t get into a hot tub without air filters for as long as I was in there. No matter how many chemicals your Fellows director uses in attempt to substitute for the lack of air filters.

May this be an encouragement and an ask of accountability to regularly practice examen.

Until next month.

Jacor

January

You know what it is, Blog time 😎.

I first would think it’s appropriate to say the lovely and Beautiful Ali (my fiancé) has MOVED TO RALEIGH!!! I mean, you can’t make this stuff up. The Lord is so, so good and faithful. Ali-cat has started her professional working career (girl-boss) as the Production Coordinator for the men’s clothing company, Johnnie-O. So basically I’m finna have the cleanest wardrobe out of the whole crew. I know this is a blog post about me, but Ali is such a huge part of me, so it’s super fitting to share this huge news for us. ALSO, this job would never have been possible if it weren’t for the Raleigh Fellows program (well maybe somewhat tiny possible but let’s just roll with it). My super awesome host family Mary and Jason connected Ali with someone in Hayden’s host family and got the ball rolling there. Even her living situation, wouldn’t be possible without Mary and Jason, so shoutout to the Young’s again.

So if you’re reading this and thinking “why should I do this fellows program?” One reason is a full-time job has already been found and that person isn’t even a fellow. Maybe I can listen to that myself and really not worry about putting pressure on myself to find a job come may. Yeah, I just exposed myself.

However, I’ve come to rest with the terms of what I am doing right now. And I absolutely love it. Going on retreats, taking classes, leading youth group, working part-time, living with a host family, and having great community is exactly what I need right now. I am super faithful that God has positioned me exactly where I am for a reason and that come May (or whenever) I will know exactly why. But right, now I am super thrilled to be living the way I am and roll with the punches that are thrown at me.

So here are some other highlights from the Month of January:

• John Richmond Retreat- listen, if you don’t know who this dude is, FIND HIM. I’m telling you John has knowledge that no amount of money can buy. I am super grateful that Ashley has him as a connection because he can really bring the heat.

• Basketball season- I love hoops. The Blue Devils have a real shot and the Mountaineers are rolling.

• Snow- I was sad that when I left Boone I realized I probably wouldn’t see snow this year, but I did and was very satisfied.

• Friendships- Thinking about my relationships with all of the other fellows on September 7th and now on February 2nd, it’s just so funny. I now feel like I’ve known these people my entire life.

• Getting to see my little buddy Jordynn- Just absolutely precious. I’m telling you this girl has my heart and she has no idea. Jordynn is 9 years old and has it harder than I could have ever imagined. I’ll share this story because something that I’ve been working on is sharing my emotions to others. This week at Neighbor to Neighbor, I saw Jordynn for the first time in about a month and half. Over that month and a half, some really hard things have happened to her. So when I got to her, my heart exploded when she ran up to me with the biggest smile and squeezing hug. How can someone so young be so joyful after something so hard? We proceeded to sit with each other and laugh and play while doing her Dreambox and playing with play dough. Then, I caught myself just watching her and no joke, tears start rolling. I couldn’t keep myself together. And due to the circumstances, I didn't want her to think something was wrong (because that’s the last thing she needs) so I went to the bathroom to wipe my tears and praise God for Jordynn and how He has allowed her to be a part of my Monday’s. I just can’t get enough of her.

I want to reiterate how much of a privilege it is to walk on God’s Earth every single day, and how everything belongs to him. Especially you, reading this on your screen, belong to someone who loves you so deeply and longs to be with you all of the time.

❤️🤟🏼

ŃØÄH

Slowness of the Season

I think a lot of people will tell you that January is the slowest time of the year. The fresh coat of frost on the ground in the morning, the slowly rising sun followed by constantly freezing temperatures, and the hangover after a frenzied holiday season all make January have this slow feel to it. However, what my fellows' experience has taught me is that it is so easy to feel God in the slowness. Let’s be honest, slowing down is very anti-American of us. As a society, we live a fast-paced lifestyle where if you are busy it must mean you are living life right. As they say, a full calendar equals a full life. What I’ve come to realize is that’s not always true. Here are a few things I’ve begun to notice God is doing around me as I’ve slowed down.

1. Lake Life- For a few of my fellow fellow’s, Lake Gaston has been all they’ve known this month and they are probably (and rightfully) tired of it. But for me, going to Lake Gaston for the John Richmond retreat was the breath of fresh air I didn’t know I needed. Before this trip to the lake, I had left that sweet batch of 35 miles of paradise with bruised ribs and covid in my previous visits. I think it's safe to say that I have this love/hate relationship that on my side is all love and on the lake’s side is more like hate. However, this weekend for me was an incredible example of what life can really live life in community. We laughed, played, rested, talked, and just existed with each other. Yes, we’ve done that every time we’ve gone to the lake, but something about this time felt different. It felt Holy. Our posture towards life felt different. It felt more real.

2. Noah and Jordan- As fellows, we participate in this amazingly awesome afterschool program in South East Raleigh called Neighbor to Neighbor. Each one of the fellows is paired with a student to be their mentor in either reading or math. At first you might be thinking, as I did, that we are just their to tutor and then leave. That the impact might be very little. If that is your feeling then I would challenge you to drive down there on Monday afternoons at 4:30. That is where you can see Noah interact with Jordan. It is the absolute sweetest, holiest thing that you will ever see. Anyone that looks at them is left smiling. What makes it even more special is that Jordan has lived an incredibly hard life, a life that no little girl should have to go through. But you would never know watching her interact with Noah. Her smile never leaves her face and she looks free of all the pain of the world. This past Monday, the boy I tutor, Divine (who is amazing), stopped what he was doing to look up at them. After a while of staring, I realized that he was smiling and laughing along side them. That’s what joy is. That’s what happens when you slow down.

3. NeighborHealth Center- Okay, so if you have been following my blogs with a close eye, you might have noticed that I haven’t really mentioned my work. Well blogger nation, here you go! During my fellows year, I have the absolute privilege of working for a non-profit health clinic determined to help the underserved in the Raleigh community. It is a fantastic example of kingdom-building work in the city of Raleigh. However, I am not involved in the clinic side at all. Instead, I work over at Summit Church in the administrative offices. At first, I was bummed not to be over at the clinic and not be working alongside any of the older fellows who were there, but I have grown to really enjoy the people I work alongside at Summit. I have loved getting to talk to them about their kids, their families, their hobbies, their favorite sports, and just their lives in general. The women and men here have loved me so incredibly well and I am so thankful for them. It’s so funny that in the slowness of this season, I’ve gotten to experience life with more people. Major shoutout to Stacy, Susan, Cherita, Amanda, Bob, Larry, and David!

-Luke Harvin

Growing Younger in Surrender

I want to share song lyrics from Chris Renzema’s song called Older Than our God: 

For the joy of innocence
Dreaming things that don't make sense
Keep me as a child
And for the things we've left behind
The space between out heart and mind
Keep me as a child

For we've grown older than our God
We've grown older than our God

I found these lyrics particularly helpful as I read our assigned reading from Brennan Manning’s book Abba’s Child. Manning discusses the importance of embracing our inner child by seeking authenticity in ourselves. He suggests that accepting our inner child is a doorway to a more enriching and authentic relationship with Christ. Embracing our truest and most authentic self means acknowledging our shortcomings, weaknesses, and places of pride and self-righteousness. Renzema’s lyrics express Manning’s point; that we, as fickle humans, tend to grow older than God: the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end, and the infinite and eternal being. 

So, what does it mean to grown older than God? 

Scripture informs us that childlikeness is a prerequisite for growing closer to Christ. We see this in Matthew 18:3-4: “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven”. 

I take this piece of Scripture to mean that we must embrace a sense of wonder, innocence, and humility when in relationship with Jesus. This means embracing a childlike posture when approaching Christ. I am reminded of two common scenarios that have been helpful for me as I reflect on child-like faith. The first of which occurred this past summer while I was teaching Sunday school lessons. Quite often kids blurted out unfiltered question(s) or comments. They didn’t care what their peers thought of them. The idea that their reputation would be belittled was not a thought in their mind. Nothing was at stake. They asked questions from a point of awestruck wonder in our Savior and sought answers in a posture of humility. On the contrary, I find myself so often worrying about my reputation that it hinders and limits the questions I ask or comments I make. It’s a harsh reality but my image is fragile, and I don’t want to shatter it. 

The second scenario occurred at Refugee Hope Partners (my Fellows internship). After our preschool session was over, a child began speedily running to her mom and unfortunately stumbled on the ground. She immediately reached out her hands and unashamedly cried for her mother. The sweet girl received her mom’s gaze with utmost comfort. In this event, the little girl did not draw on self-reliance, but on her parent – the one who knows best. I think this scenario makes for a great illustration of how I should run to the Father. I find myself increasingly becoming more self-reliant in times of struggle and also when I acquire more knowledge. Throughout this process, I’ve found myself loosing wonder in Christ. The Truth of the Gospel becomes stale, and I begin to experience what Renzema mentions in his song lyrics, “a gap between my mind and heart”. 

I’ve come to conclude that growing older than God - for me at least - means functioning under an illusion of God based off earthly knowledge and experiences. I tend to work my way toward understanding God through listening to podcasts and sermons, reading Scripture and Christian books, and performing in ways that seem holy. Though not necessarily bad things, my avarice-oriented and consumeristic mindset often blinds my ability to see Christ through the lens of a child. The point: I subconsciously think acquiring enough knowledge will help me feel like I have control over my relationship with God. I seek to master God rather than be mastered by God.

The passage in Matthew 18, Renzema’s lyrics, and Manning’s book all point to the importance of bearing the image of Christ as a child. It’s clear to me that I want to strive to grow younger in surrender, to break the prideful walls down in my heart, to run unashamedly to Jesus, and to embrace the warmth of being a beloved child of Christ. As I begin my journey in the latter half of the Fellows program, I want to make it a priority to remind not only myself, but also my fellow Fellows of our true identity in Christ. As a People, we must be like a child in faith because we are children in Christ.   

Kris

All Aboard the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. IV)

Welcome to 2022! December was a whirlwind of a month, and we are like almost halfway through January, but it's time for another monthly check-in on how I am doing these 4 different areas of life: social, physical/health, occupation, and spiritual.

Social

Emotionally speaking, I have been doing well! December is usually a month where I get to spend time with family, which I always appreciate very much! Most of the month was spent either feeling joyful or grateful. This past month, I finished up a few Fellows classes, planned and attended a Bachelor Party up in Harrisonburg, shared a meal with the Fellows at Angus Barn, had our end-of-year Christmas party, celebrated Christmas at my new-ish home with the fam, and was Best Man in my brother’s wedding on New Years Eve. The week leading up to Christmas was very restful; all of the family was home, and my sisters and I were able to spend lots of time with our brother as he was preparing to go off and become a hubby. Those last few days with Braxton (my brother) were spent watching Hamilton and many other Marvel movies, and playing FIFA until 1:30/2:00 in the morning. Christmas day was 73 degrees I believe, and the 4 of us went to a soccer field to run and kick around as if we were all 8 years old haha. I truly appreciated that week, and we quickly got busy with wedding stuff after Christmas. Despite the filled schedule and sleepless nights, I had an amazing time reconnecting with extended family, new family, and old friends. I gladly welcome Emma (Braxton’s wifey) to the family as another sister; nothing against my bro, but we need some more brothers (in-law) to balance out this new sibling dynamic, but that won’t be for a little bit haha.

Physical/Health

Still kickin a ball around every week, and I wasn’t very consistent with going to the Y. Got a little crazy and went rock climbing a couple times with some Fellows and friends. My sleep schedule began to deteriorate once the structure of Fellows was lost, but at the cost of spending time with friends and family. The Omicron-variant really began to ramp up towards the end of the month, but my family and I were safe and healthy during the holiday season, and up to the wedding.

Occupational

As you probably already know, I got bamboozled out of a job, and my last day of work at the engineering firm was November 30. I spent the entire month of December unemployed, but I tried to make the most out of our allotted work days. I spent some of the remaining work days volunteering at Church of the Apostles, Refugee Hope Partners, Note in the Pocket, and Alliance Medical Ministry. Most of my tasks were just busy work, and they didn’t have much to do with engineering. But I really appreciated the work I was given, and I liked spending time with the Fellows employed at each of those respective places. I spent the latter half of the month working on my Resume, and started thinking about what it could look like to pursue a career long-term in the RDU area. My mentor, Eric Bolash (a king fr), reached out to some friends and helped make some connections for the pursuit of industry work later down the road, and I am grateful for all of the wise words he offered during my little unemployment stint.

Spiritual

For this month, I want to briefly focus on a book I finished over Christmas break. I started reading ‘Garden City’ by John Mark Comer earlier in the Fellows year. It is one of the best books I’ve read to this day, and it's ending came in a timely manner with my job situation. Generally speaking, it could be perceived that my job loss is very much a bad thing and an inconvenience to my schedule and finances and what not. God obviously has a plan for everything, and He is the only one who knows what lies ahead, so I have learned to place my trust in the Man with the Map. I really liked my previous engineering job, but I knew I didn’t plan on pursuing that full-time after Fellows. I think the Lord just provided an opportunity to broaden my occupational horizon and explore different types of jobs (no better time to do that in a year where I am living rent-free with little to no expenses). As sad as it is, the holiday season is typically filled with fueling self-righteous desires, and we tend to spend time thinking about what gifts/things we want, or where(who) we spend our time (with). Because of this, I really liked being able to serve people in the church, and at those companies, as it was a way for me to stop thinking about myself and my needs. As I worked those other jobs, it was easier for me to see how those other companies have a direct impact on helping people. Whether I was folding clothes, teaching kids, tending to a garden, or cleaning up things in the church, I felt those jobs were more meaningful at times than my previous engineering job. Comer highlights in the book that every single job presents us with the opportunity to spread the gospel, even if it may seem there is no direct impact with the work you are doing. Exercising the fruits of the spirit in the office, or even sharing meals with co-workers, are just a few ways in which we can be impactful in the workplace as believers. Your job can be a playground for kingdom-work, even if your occupation isn’t ministry-related! I look forward to enacting this mentality at every place I work moving forward.

Alright. This trolley long as a mug, but it’s time to get off. Until next time!

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from the month of December
- There is a slim chance your professor may bring their puppy to class. I guess just try to focus, maybe??

- Bring warm clothes (and an extra beanie) for your outing at Angus Barn, because you may wait hours for a table.

- Don’t try to figure out who your Secret Santa is.

- Go on walks around the North Hills development when you have the time, you will appreciate it.

Reflection

December! A month filled to the brim with the goodness and joy that has been so plentiful since I moved to Raleigh North Carolina. 

This month provided some of that Christmas spirit I was really hoping for, whether that was through Secret Santa elfing, Christmas cookie swaps at work, Zoom calls with my college friends, or spending the Christmas season with the Vincent’s !!!!!!

This month also provided space for reflection of what the past year has looked like, whether that was through sitting down and reading through past journal entries, or on the drive both to and from Tennessee. I found myself looking back in order to make sense of where I was now, which led me to continue thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. I read through my desires and hopes, I read through prayers that were answered, some in ways I never expected, but really I saw the Lord's loving kindness through every part of the story.. His redemption is weaved throughout all my seasons! 

December also revealed to me that I see my Imposter self more than I would like to admit. “Imposter” is the name that Brennan Manning uses in his book Abba's Child to describe the false self that we all use to distract us from knowing the deep true self. This true self knows what deep intimacy with the Father looks like, and beckons us to come see for ourselves. 

 My imposter self is motivated by busyness and all those self-centered activities that bring instant gratification. Brennan Manning speaks to the core of my Enneagram 9 heart when he says “While the imposter has performed superbly, I have assumed a passive role in relationships, stifled creative thinking, allowed myself to be intimidated by others, and then rationalized my behavior by persuading myself that the Lord wants me to be an instrument of peace.. At what price?” 

Woah. Full transparency, this excerpt, this whole book, has shook me to my core and exposed me in a lot of ways. It falls right in line with this beautiful but hard journey I have started of accepting my false self, acknowledging my own brokenness, yearning for the Father, and reminding me that there is a tenderness that comes from Him that will surpass my understanding. My Father is out there repeating that same phrase “its okay to be yourself.” 

there I find my freedom to love and to be loved. 

I saw variations of this when I reflected on all that 2021 brought me. The journey of understanding yourself through the eyes of our Lord is both so exciting and so scary. It plays into everything we do within the Fellows and within our lives as believers. Knowing I am never isolated on this journey is what makes me so excited for all that this next semester will bring! I know that we will all continue to live on this narrow path of life with The Father, and He reminds us that its okay to stumble!! 

There is so much to look forward to!

I’ll finish out by sharing one of my favorite poems right now!

The limp by Jim Branch

i walk with a limp

a true thing of beauty

that came about

when you took me to the ground

wrestling and struggling

when you tore me to pieces

that you might make me whole

thank you

for loving me

too much to allow me

to continue to live falsely 

to continue to be someone 

other than the one

you created me to be

that you would care enough

to wound me

your beloved

that i might live truly 

and become my truest self

makes this limp

a true thing of beauty

a living reminder 

of your great affection 

All the love,
Lauren

December, fires in bellies, & how I saw God in both

Hello to all the friends and avid blog readers that find themselves here once again-it’s so good to have you back! “It’s SO good to have YOU back!” The previous statement is one I find myself hearing quite a bit lately. I heard it today as I walked into work; my boss greeted me with the biggest hug and couldn't help but say it over and over. I heard it again on New Year’s Eve when I walked through the door of the Bolashes’ home as I returned to Raleigh from Christmas break. Ashley expressed a similar sentiment when I decided to stay and quarantine at Lake Gaston after our career, calling, and vocation retreat took a turn that was less than desirable (yes, covid ran its annoying and frustrating course per usual). But despite such a rocky start to our second semester of fellows, I find myself SO glad to be back HERE.

December was a month where I found myself wishing I had more energy, more hours in the day (especially when the sun is setting on my way home from work *insert crying emoji here*), and more time with God. I’ll be honest. For Advent to be a season about joyful expectation and eager anticipation about the coming of our Messiah, it felt more like a hurried and rushed, kind of pacing back and forth waiting for me. I kept praying, “Lord, please let it slow down. It’s passing by too fast!” I felt like the whole month was a wash, because I didn’t enjoy Christmas the way I desired to. (Okay, I know it seems like this blog post has taken a turn for the worst, but hang on! It gets better; I promise.)

Like I mentioned earlier, the past week consisted of a retreat, positive covid tests, and a whole lot of goodness I’m going to try and put into words (spoiler alert: the following sentences don’t do it nearly enough justice). Our speaker at the retreat, the lovely and former Australian, now U.S. citizen-Bruce, spoke with us about what our future may look like and what God has in mind for His people when it comes to work and life and really just everything. During one of his lectures, he said something that caught my ear and had my full attention at once. He said, “You need to ask yourself what puts a fire in your belly”. ALRIGHT LORD! I’M LISTENING NOW!! And while I’m still sorting out my answer to this profound and worthwhile question, I think the most notable thing to address here is how this call to action beckons us toward Jesus, God himself in the flesh.

I can’t imagine how Mary responded to realizing the Savior of the world would come to be in the world through her earthly and virgin body, but I like to think it felt something like ‘having a fire in your belly’. The point I’m trying to make here is that the Lord’s timing is SO MUCH BETTER than the instant gratification-fake stuff we trick ourselves into wanting. For me, I wanted so badly to enjoy Christmas at the time it was happening. For Mary, I bet she just wanted to survive, so the first Christmas could actually take place how the angel told her it would. Don’t get me wrong y’all, I’m surely not trying to compare myself to Mary, the mother of Jesus, here. What I am trying to do is take note of how the Lord’s redemptive work comes to us in the most unexpected and unlikely places.

My quarantine at Lake Gaston was a time I’m going to hold near and dear for the rest of my life. There’s just something about being told you have to stay home and can’t go anywhere for a week that makes you better, physically and spiritually. My week at Lake Gaston got me to pay attention to how the Lord’s knack for making things new and right is tucked into every corner and pocket of this life, we just gotta have eyes that want to see it. Funny how I notice the Lord more when I pay attention to the life he’s given me instead of fixing my fleeting heart on the feelings that come from my present circumstances. Huh, would you look at that? God is real good at what He does y’all! IT. IS. GOOD. to be back in Raleigh for semester 2! Praying the second half is just as humbling as the first.

With joy and in Christ always,
Kassie Starnes

My friend, Noah

In 2017 I began college at Appalachian State University. One night I was waiting for my friends outside of my dorm, and I met this guy. It was cold, it was awkward, and he talked a lot. I think if you would have told me and Noah that we’d be college friends for four years and after that we’d both move to Raleigh together, I’m not quite sure how we would have responded. After living that out I can speak into the last 4 years, (but specifically the last few months) with Noah.

I know we as believers hear this all the time, but God really blesses us, sometimes in ways of which we are praying for, and some in ways we never expected at all. I think one of the biggest blessings the Lord has given me this year is Noah.

Moving to Raleigh to do a 9 month program alone is scary! I remember joking around with Noah (as we do often) asking him to apply to do the Raleigh Fellows program. All of my playful jokes definitely had a subtle serious tone, but Noah just laughed every time I suggested it. LOL at him because he’s stuck here now. In all seriousness it was an unexpected blessing to have Noah here with me, especially at the beginning. I don’t think he knew it, but he was a big source of comfort for me.

Noah is that reminder that God has me, that God is with me, and that I’m not doing this all alone. How kind and loving of the Lord! Like that unexpected blessing, this season has been a lot of getting to know my brother Noah on a much deeper level. That four year friendship prepared us well for this season God has called us to. A season of breaking through walls, and finally seeing one another on the other side. What a humbling experience this has been for me, to think I knew Noah then is silly, because I really know him now. Thank you GOD.

In the past few months, Noah and I have gotten to stand with each other while we have both gotten engaged. In 2022 we’ll be in each other's weddings. And forever we’ll continue to thank God that He has allowed us to be in each others lives at such a deep capacity. I love the season we’re in, Noah!

I love you brother!

Your sister, melon

And I go Back to December All the Time

WOWWW!! I really just referenced Taylor Swift. These fellows girls have an influence on me.

Well ladies and gentlemen who come across this post, I am thrilled to be writing about my past month or so. I think it’s most important to start with this banger of a life update:

I’M ENGAGED!

Yes, engaged. As a fellow. So don’t let anyone tell you it’s impossible! The lovely and beautiful Ali is going to be my wife and I am so flippin excited. What is really cool about this season of life is that I have so many people in a relatively new place that are absolutely thrilled for me and love Ali and I like they’ve seen us through every step of our journey. I have had multiple people from Church of The Apostles send me well wishes in this new chapter of life and tons of advice on planning a wedding (which it’s really just Ali’s wedding that I’m happy to be invited to). I now have joined the elite team that consists of my good friend Mary Ellen of the “engaged ones” (shoutout Melon).

More so of what has gone on in the program, Secret Santa was absolutely vibrant. One of my favorite things is getting to do things for others and Hayden was so lucky enough for me to draw her name for Secret Santa (lol). I started off with a BANGER leaving her favorite snacks and candies on her car, which wasn’t hard because she lives right across the street from me. BUT THEN, I was humbled very quickly because she caught me. However it wasn’t necessarily my fault, our lovely youth Director and former fellow Hayes, came into class one Friday and read a silly poem that I wrote for Hayden. But he took it over the top and got down on one knee and delivered her the Starbucks coffee that was to go along with it. But while he kneeled next to her, he was reading off the text message that I sent him and of course, Hayden looked down at the phone and saw my name sitting at the top. Nice going, Hayes. But my secret Santa was Brendan. Good ole BB. During this, my favorite thing he did for me which was hilarious, was putting a bag full of ring pops on my car the day before I left to head to Boone to propose to the lovely and beautiful Ali. He also had a fake ring box that inside was an open ring pop (may have been licked once or twice) a long with a note that was super encouraging.

These silly examples however are super important to why these people have been such an unexpected blessing in my life. I think over the past few weeks of our break, I have really started to lock in on the future, and what life is going to look like come the end of May. I’ve recently put a ton of pressure on myself to figure that out. But reflecting on such sweet memories like the ones I have shared with you all in the past four months, makes me realize that I’m going to be okay. As long as I continue to have a living relationship with the Lord and letting him in on the beautiful things that are going on around me, I am going to be okay. I recently had a reality check with parents, and as much as I was expecting them to want to hear how I needed to have my ducks in a row, my mom assured me of this:

“I don’t know what life is going to bring you in May. If that’s a job, or whatever, but I do know one thing. It’s all going to be okay.”

Im not an emotional person, but this got to me. It gave me an immediate image of how God loves us. Holding us in his arms if we are crying, laughing, smiling, frowning, you name it. He is going to hold us gently and tell us that we are going to be okay.

Here’s to a great few more months.

❤️🤟🏼

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