Jack's November Questions

Truly, I cannot believe we are already in December! This program is flying by and I feel like were still just now getting started.

Here’s a quick life update:

My shoulder is in full swing (not range of motion wise but healing nonetheless) and tomorrow is my last day to wear my sling! WHOOP!!

I have my treasured FJ Cruiser back from the shop and I can drive it once again!

Darby and I are still getting married!

Like I said, I really can’t believe how far we’ve come in this program. I can’t describe how much good it has done for me. I don’t have anything profound to say other than that. I am being challenged. I am wresting with questions about my life like “Do I make too many excuses for myself?” or “Am I too hard on myself?”

I am asking questions about God. “How do I live with childlike faith without being naive in this post-fall world?” “How does one practically accept God’s grace?” “What is intimacy with God look like?”

I am wondering about what life will be like when I marry my betrothed. How will I mess up? How will we annoy each other? How will we love differently then compared to now?

What will it be like to go back to school? Will I regret spending two and a half years doing this? What if I hate research? What if I love it?

Anyways, it’s fun to think about the future but I feel it clouding my vision. I pray that I can fully immerse myself with what’s in front of me now (the Raleigh Fellows) and healthily dream but not worry about what’s to come. It’s fun to ask these hard questions, though! Heck, I feel like I won’t ever find an answer to some of these. But I guess that’s okay, I think God just likes that we care to ask. That is something I can find comfort in!

God Bless,

Jack B.

November_AS

True power occurs when God is being glorified and the lowly are being delivered. Benji Davis

The best work is good work, done well. Dorothy Sayers

You are the sum total of your data. No man escapes that. Don Delillo

The Church needs to be just as interesting as the Marines. They need to be able to ask for sacrifice that makes sense. Stanley Hauerwas

Jesus likes to take advantage of reckless people. Will Willimon

We are called to make a place suitable for life and flourishing. It’s there in our DNA somehow. Genesis 1:28 gives us some more explicit guidelines for what we are supposed to do here. God tells us to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the rest of creation. The fact that we are made imago dei gives me enough reasoning to believe that Adam and Eve didn’t need to know exactly what those words meant to act upon the command. Had I not known what the word “till” meant, upon being commanded to “till the earth” you may find me digging a hole and sticking my foot in it. Just to see what happens. The means may differ, but the results are the same. Do something with what you have been given. We are called to act. Farmers are not the only ones responsible for the carrying on of God’s work here (although Wendell Berry may disagree).

By telling us we hold God’s image, God is confirming that we are able to do so. When we bear something for someone, we are doing it in place of that being. We are given commands after we are told we were made in the image of God, because that fact in of itself propelled us forward in action. We are image bearers responsible for the manifestation of the creator in the world. We are able to keep God’s commands because we are made imago dei.

Recently I was on a run and was in awe of the sight of the city around sunset, as well as the weather above. I paused looking down Fayetteville Street and smiled. The storm clouds were rolling in right as some flurries of violet and crimson were hitting the face of the monumental moisture fields. While that sight alone has every Christian Instagram influencer losing their mind for a quick “God makes cool art” story. Nay, it was the combination of God’s work in the sky with the foreground of downtown Raleigh. We made this. Of course this is naive to think we alone made it happen, but I saw infrastructure, design, beauty, and craft looking down the street. Creation begets creation. In Dorothy Sayers’s book Mind of the Maker she seeks out the relationship between creativity within art and how it corresponds with the Trinity. Looking deeper into imago dei, we see, first and foremost, that God’s initial action is creating. We look to see what God is up to in order to find out how we can properly bear said image. Innately within us, we therefore have an urge to create, build, craft, etc. in this world.

This has a ton to do with vocation and the work we are involved in, but I’d like to end with a brief endeavor into what this speaks into about place-making. It is a creative act to even begin thinking of the implications of place. The question “What makes a place a home?” is an easy way to look at how we make meaningful places. If I had to answer that, home is where the people are. People I love, who love me. Those two create comfort. So within place-making, there is a call for community making as well.

I am constantly trying to “make this place my own” in the cities I live in. What makes Nashville the lovely place it is to me is the guys from The Big Shoe and The Love Shack, and the girls from The Swamp and Red House (respective names for houses full of folks near and dear to me). We lived with or in close proximity, which demanded to act on the desire of friendship, not expecting it to occur without said effort. The problem I face now is that I do not live with or relatively near the community handed to me. That I didn’t necessarily chose these people. That this program demands attention, energy, work, etc. that drifts into personal time or time that could be spent with folks. This demands a creative look to make sure folks are cared for, times are enjoyed, and that the space we hold with one another is blessed. In Raleigh, this looks like the gentlemen coming around a fire at Alex’s or Jack’s, bike rides through the city for our sporty folk, meeting for morning or evening beverages, and sometimes the occasional movie in a basement. Till the community, make it work. Allow it to flourish, diminish our natural hubris that got us here in the first place. 

I am asking the Lord to bless my ability to act on the cultural mandate in Genesis. I fail on my own. Eventually I believe this will lead to tricking people into being in fellowship with myself, just by listening to the sometimes unnatural rhythms that come with being human in community. Be about the business of making place. Redeeming people. Redeeming place. Creatively working to restore the created order. 

Peace,

Austin Spence

Radical Honesty

Hi blog!

Martha Anne here. Let’s get right into it. Buckle pup.

“Envy accuses God of not knowing what he’s doing or of not being faithful to what he’s promised to do. When you are convinced that a blessing that another person has ought to belong to you, you don’t just have a problem with that person, you have a problem with God. When you begin to question God’s goodness, you quit going to him for help. Why? Because you don’t seek the help of someone you’ve come to doubt.”

New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp, November 27

I’ve been learning a lot about honesty lately. Not because it’s been preached about in a sermon or I’ve outwardly read it in scripture, but because my friends are living their lives in ways that are just radical. It’s refreshing and enticing and truly comforting to sit amongst beautiful women (near and far) who understand the HEALING and COMMUNITY and LIFE that come in vulnerability.

Many of these thoughts are unkempt and chaotic still in my mind, but I want to note the small nuggets of radical honesty I’ve heard and witnessed over the past month. My hope is we both begin to string together a story about God’s desire for intimacy, connection, and flourishing.

First nugget of radical honesty, there are seasonal relationships and there are covenantal relationships. And the Lord gives us emotional boundaries because it’s hurtful to our souls to confuse the two or treat one as the other. This has been ROUGH for me to learn considering I so easily believe that if we’re not being completely vulnerable then we’re inauthentic with each other. God is teaching me a lot about showing up, submitting my desires, and waiting patiently for faithfulness in His design.

Second nugget: marriage and sex aren’t promised to us. And they aren’t all roses either!! They’re broken blessings. Our world has a knack for envying marriage and sex, which is absolutely exhausting. It’s so easy to look at the engagements flashed across social media and DOUBT that God is giving us life to the full. And when we envy other people’s relationships, it leads us to believe God isn’t giving us something we’ve been promised. We begin to believe we deserve blessings when in fact we deserve death on a cross. Only in looking to the cross and recognizing the grace and forgiveness we’re consistently given can we endure the false notions of the world.

Third nugget of radical honesty: we serve a God of abundance. How dare we think that God is LIMITING His love for us? How dare we question the love of a Father who’s own Son chose to die our death so we could spend eternity in His presence? How dare we think He wouldn’t do it over and over and over again? How dare we think we’re not His beloved? Oh what short-sighted beings we are. Lord help us in our unbelief.

Fourth nugget: UVA will always be good at basketball. And we’re good at football. Hoos don’t lose.

Fifth and final nugget of radical honesty: God’s not finished. He isn’t finished with us whatsoever. I’ve been dealing with anxiety for FAR too long. Anxiety that consumes my mind, my body, and discourages the freedom the cross provides.

“Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.”

1 Peter 4:1-2

I don’t know about you, but my body has been through some suffering. Between the childhood trauma of losing a parent along with many other dear people to the anxiety that comes with food and alcohol at random times, my body has had enough. It’s exhausted and my mind is quickly following suit. And yet the one of the sweetest hopes that continues to get me up in the morning and on my knees before the Lord is the radical truth that God is not finished with me yet. This is not my final season. And this debilitating weight does not rule me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul! What cause we have to worship His holy name!

xoxo

Martha Anne

Questions

Life is oftentimes determined by your desires. What influences your desires therefore dictate your life. We need to ask ourselves, does our faith influence our desires? What is our mindset about what we do and why we do it? Are we living for personal gain? Do we only care about our desires? Are we seeking to understand those around us? Do we know ourselves well enough to begin answering these questions?

These are just a few of the questions I have been asking myself this past month. I came into this year of Fellows for personal discovery and growth. I started rethinking my mindset for my life and career during my senior year at Clemson. I experienced Christ’s love in a deeper and prolonged manor in college, but I knew I needed to take a step back to support my heart knowledge and marry my heart and head. So, I pursued Fellows because I knew I would have the encouragement to grow in this way, but also to be challenged to grow in other ways as well. God doesn’t make everything good also easy. I have been challenged to think differently and ask myself some of these questions. If my mindset is negative and poor towards challenges then I may not learn to experience God in new and different ways that he wants to build a relationship with me in. While I have gained head knowledge during Fellows I have been challenged to strengthen my personal relationship with the Lord. This deficiency has been hidden at times due to the frequency we talk about God, but thanks to the nature of the business of the Fellows program the lack of intimacy with God and rest in him is made apparent.

So yeah those are some of my thoughts and things I’m thinking through. HBD Ash sorry this is very late.

-Tim

no longer a skeptic

Okay people. We are going to talk about the enneagram for a minute.

Upon hearing the word “enneagram", I assume you are feeling one of two things. You could be SUPER excited, not to mention that you were just on instagram last night looking through memes on your number. OR you are considering closing out this blog right now because you cannot tolerate to hear another Christian talk about their enneagram number. The latter was me. Up until last week.

“I don’t like to be put in a box.” This is the common argument when it comes to enneagram skeptics. How on earth could there be only 9 numbers that describe the entire population? To think about the uniqueness of each individual, it is hard to believe that we could narrow it down to “typing” people in this manner. And even if you do relate to one of these types, what is the importance beyond the number? These were all thoughts I had.

Through this program, the fellows participate in an “Enneagram Workshop.” The closer we were to approaching this workshop, the more frustrated I was becoming. Why did we have to spend an entire day on these silly numbers? What If I don’t identify with any of the numbers? Then what?

But then, the Lord started to shift something in my heart when I picked up the book “Self to Lose, Self to Find.” As I began to read the beautifully written words of Marilyn Vancil, my entire perspective on this “enneagram fad” started to change. My eyes were opened to the true purpose of these numbers. The title “Self to Lose, Self to Find” says it all.

I couldn’t explain this better than the author herself, so I’m going to quote a section from the chapter, “Three Invitations From Jesus.”

“God has beautiful and unique designs for each of us. He alone knows how the various pieces of our lives will fit together to create a stunning masterpiece. His intention is for us to live as our true self, the unique expression of His image in union with Him, and THIS is what brings Him glory. We “miss the mark” when we live lesser lives and instead of believing His deep love and holy purposes for us, we cling to our own ways of satisfying our needs. We “aim at other marks” that we think will ensure our safety and security, give us power and control, and earn affection and esteem. In this sense sin is refusing to put on the true self and living for the old self as if its all we have. It’s using our lives for a lesser destiny than a covenant of love with Him.”

These words were liberating for me. Each of us has a false and a true self. A self to lose and a self to find. The false self is an identity that is rooted in the comforts of this world because that is where we often feel “secure.” The false self is our old self- our old self which was put to death when Christ conquered the grave. Yet we still run back to it. We lose sight of the true self & new identify that Jesus has offered us- the true self that is created to reflect God’s image in a unique way, which is the only path to true flourishing. We are made alive in Christ through His resurrection. We no longer have to hold onto our old selves, but we can step into an identity rooted in God’s deep love and holy purposes for our lives.

The enneagram is a pathway in revealing our true and false selves, our new and old identities. And from the words of Fil Anderson (the man who led our workshop): the purpose is not to put you in a box, but just the opposite. It is meant to free us from the box. It frees us from the old self we often cling to. The enneagram reveals the beautiful gifts that the Lord has given us. But it also uncovers how we can misuse those gifts and they become no longer glorifying to Him. In doing that we are living out of our false or “adapted” self that seeks comfort and security outside of the Lord. Upon figuring out my number, it was very convicting but also incredibly freeing. I was able to identify the ways I live out of my false self, but then could claim that those ways had NO HOLD ON ME. Because of Christ, my old self has been put to death and I can choose daily to put on my NEW SELF that has been bought with the blood of Christ. No- its definitely not always easy to deny these desires of my flesh, but I’m not alone in this. My true self in Christ only comes from an utter dependency on Him for every step I take. This is all by His grace alone.

Oh, and for those who have been waiting this whole time for my number, I’m a six ;)

See you all next month, sorry i’m 13 days late this time.

xoxo

Emme Slaton

Medicated Laments and Learnings

Howdy folks,

Thanks for checking in to what your old pal Jack is up to in these times as a Raleigh Fellow.

As of late, I’ve been imagining my life like I live in sand. I feel like I’ve been digging a groove (maybe it’s a roller coaster of sorts) in which to ride and as I take each twist and turn, I completely wipe out. Sometimes I feel like digging is done, this is when I hop in and go and go and go and collect speed and and lean too far to one side trying to compensate centripetal motion on a turn and tumble over. Maybe this is a metaphor to current life, maybe it’s drilling too deep into subconscious gray matter to understand anything, maybe it’s word vomit, maybe it makes no sense (I am on heavy pain meds and sometimes this computer screen swirls, so if this doesn’t make sense, were blaming it on oxycodone). But I think I do really try and create a life style where I can just ride (and I hate to bring the enneagram where it has not been invited) but maybe this is my 9 self just wanting to just ease its way through life. I am kind of chuckling because it never works out as easily as I want it to.

I am currently at home in Fabulous Frisco, Texas recovering from shoulder surgery I had a week ago today (maybe this is one of those twists and turns I was referring to) and, man, I keep thinking about how stupid it is that I have to go through this. This wasn’t the plan! I miss my friends and betrothed. I want to be involved in the community that I’m apart of in Raleigh, and the FOMO is unreal from 1,035 miles away. It’s 26 Fahrenheit and it’s hard to type in this sling they have me in. I keep finding ways to complain, but in reality how can I? I really can’t and, you know what, how dare I?? I’ve had uninterrupted time with my parents, time to read, time to rest; things that I love! How can I complain?

I started to write this metaphor saying that September was my month of digging and October was my month of riding but truthfully, that’s wishful thinking. Maybe life is more in the digging and twists and turns than the straightaways. I hope and pray I can learn that more and more. At the end of the day, God is very very good. Let that be known.

Thanks for reading my medicated laments and learnings! Raleigh I miss you, I’ll be home soon!!

-Jack

hidden

THESE WORDS, THIS SONG, WILL REGAN.

HIDDEN

united pursuit

There was one when I was young 
Who knew my heart
He knew my sorrow
He held my hand
And he lead me to trust him

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

As I grow
And as I change
May I love you more deeply
I will lean upon your grace
I will reap because your goodness is unending

You are my vision
My reason for living
Your kindness leads me to repentance
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend

The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory
The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name 
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

This song has been my prayer for the whole month of October and has continued, “I’m hidden in the safety of your love”. His love is the safest place to be where we are fully satisfied. This is the perfect image of abiding with God, letting him guide us while knowing that we are simply safe to rest in his love. It truly is that simple. This song has gifted me with beautiful images and knowledge regarding my relationship with Jesus. Among the many, I have grown to realize that while resting in His love His voice becomes much clearer.

He has asked me to listen intently .

“Lord, teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them. Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to thee, “ Speak for thy servant heareth.” Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart. Let me get used to the sound of Thy voice, that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking voice. Amen.” - The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer

Our God is an immanent God, near and intimate with us. He is our friend. The Lord is so gracious to offer us a place to be hidden and held where we can come so close to him to become familiar with His voice. One of my favorite verses in all the Bible gives a clear picture of the Lord’s pursuit to speak and be with us. He wants to bring us in so close that His whispers become so evident.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14.

God longs to draw near to us. He wants us to be hidden with him so he can show us more of His enduring love and voice. This takes a lot of humility and grace, but boy is it worth it.

-Kritta B.

He longs to be gracious

These past couple months the Lord has been showing up in my quiet times by rehearsing a narrative. This narrative is found all throughout scripture and it is where we see Israel turning away from God, but God remains faithful. We watch them suffer under the weight and pain of a life striving after fleeting pleasures, and God’s wrath is evident concerning their sin.

When looking at Isaiah 30 we see SO MUCH of God’s heart. He we see him express the reality of Israel’s turning away. He says,
“Because you have rejected this message,
    relied on oppression
    and depended on deceit,
13 this sin will become for you
    like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
    that collapses suddenly, in an instant.
14 It will break in pieces like pottery,
    shattered so mercilessly
that among its pieces not a fragment will be found
    for taking coals from a hearth
    or scooping water out of a cistern.”

What a hard thing to swallow. He says, it is “Like a high wall, cracking and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant”. Sin wrecks. It destroys. It hurts. And how suddenly all of its consequences seem to come flooding in all at once.

I think about how grievous the Lord’s heart is towards this. For has has told Israel “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). How deeply does he long for his people to have rest, hope, strength, and restoration? He is so hungry for us and think about how greatly he wants us to know a full life. One that can only come by walking in obedience and trust with him.  

As God shares these words, (which I imagine are said with a broken heart and full of righteous anger) he ultimately reminds Israel their response to such fullness was rejection. For He said, “but you would have none of it” (v.15).

In our world, this kind of rejection gives God the grounds to respond justly where He would also turn away or would rain down his wrath and judgment upon Israel. However, this is not his response.

Rather with a yearning and loving heart for his people, the Lord longs to be gracious to his people!! (v. 18).

Scripture says:

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
    Blessed are all who wait for him!

19 People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 22 Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows.24 The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. 25 In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. 26 The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.” Isaiah 30:18-26

We have a God who is hungry for us. Who comes after us even when we turn away. Who will answer us when we call. Who’s very being is grace, mercy, and love. He is completely committed to us. I find great hope and strength sitting and resting in this truth.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of your faithfulness, that you come running after me, and that I am never too far gone to be yours.

-Berkley

Common Grace

While I know that God loves me, I have had a hard time feeling what His love really looks like for me personally. As a new follower of Christ, being surrounded by friends and family who so often talk about their deep connection with Gods love can be pretty challenging. Maybe I wasn’t searching hard enough for it…or maybe I wasn’t searching at all.

This month has been a hard one. I feel like I have been looking in so many different places to see what Gods love for me really is. Whether it be books, articles, or simply listening to worship songs… I was searching everywhere. Everywhere but in the simple joys of my everyday life. That is where to start.

Yes, Gods love can be complex and mystical at times. But it doesn’t have to be. His love for us is displayed in the little things of our everyday lives. These things, are what Timothy Keller calls “common graces”. The simple fact that we are able to wake up each morning is a beautiful example of Gods grace and love…because ultimately, He can pluck us away from this Earth whenever he pleases. I planned on sharing the common graces that I have been taking note of each day. But to be honest…I left my journal at home and this blog post is due in 3 hours. So lets just call this one “to be continued”.

-Alex Behnke

October_AS

My life is based on pain, passion, and purpose. U.S. Rep. Elijah Cummings

Find people doing well. Jason Young

You have to develop your imagination to a point that permits sympathy to happen. Wendell Berry

Humanity exists in community. Benji Davis

To acknowledge a difficult or even crushing truth is to step toward Beloved Community. David Dark

Friendship… has no generally recognized rights, and therefore depends entirely on its own inherent quality. Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Friendship’s true glory: The exquisite arbitrariness and irresponsibility of this love. C. S. Lewis

Friendship… is born at the moment one man says to another, “What! You too?  I thought that no one but myself...” C. S. Lewis

What is a biblical perspective on the necessity of friends? In Genesis, God proclaims this pretty lofty statement that makes it pretty clear that humanity is not complete without the presence of others (Gen. 2:18).  Subsequently, God brings wild beings from the ground that Adam begins to deem animals, but these beings did not satisfy the need for a helper for Adam. Then God brings Eve from Adam’s body and things are well, but we screw up, separation, Exodus, serving ourselves as kings, some guy named David, Songs of Solomon, Jesus, his disciples, some miracles and then we are stuck with 1 Corinthians 13. Adam and Eve, the romantic love intertwined in the Trinity, Jesus as the groom to the Church (US); really sweet stuff but certainly this is not the only form of love between created beings who bear the image of God. God is dynamic. I will be pretty upset if my time spent with friends before and during marriage will come to nothing in terms of recognizing God’s love and God’s weight held in relationships.

For the sake of this time, let us look past the empty “love you”’s we have all given and received upon saying goodbye to people that we would consider friends. I say we because there is indeed a social pressure to say these things based off a somewhat insignificant feeling of love in a friendship. We are satisfied with a mere connection with folks and a jump is made. On the other side, there is some unhealthy stereotypes that come with friendly love, as shown in middle school or high school boys prefacing their love for a friend with the words “no homo.” This is a separate conversation altogether. I hope to dismiss most of our contemporary ideas of love outside of familial or romantic settings, arguing that God intended love to be held between all of God’s creation, and for it to be fully given and received as part of Christ’s love for us; through friendship.

One of the reasons we have a skewed view of love within friendship is simply that as a people, very few of us ever encounter this at all. It is not unavoidable. It involves some seriousness and vulnerability for it to mean anything at all. Or it involves being something we are not. We have accepted a very low form of relationship within friends. One could even say that friendship doesn’t bring anything of importance to one’s being. We don’t marry our friends. We don’t procreate. Our friends don’t earn us money.  This leads me to Timothy Keller’s sermon on Isaiah 6:1-13 which has him speaking on the glory of God manifest within things we love, in particular: music.

Why are you doing that? What good are you getting out of it? Does it make money for you? Does it give you approval? Does it help you move your career ahead? You say, “No no no no.” Then what good is it? And you say, “What good is it, it IS a good in it of itself! It is satisfying in itself! Listening to that music is not a good it is beautiful in it of itself.” (Keller)

Friendship is a good within itself. This is the posture I believe Mr. Bonhoeffer, Mr. Lewis and Mr. Nouwen are speaking towards in their own separate works on relations of friends (loosely interpreted). You should read Life Together, The Four Loves, and Life of the Beloved as I am only going to briefly touch on some important sentiments mentioned in all. These authors echo a seriousness that is within lasting friendships, but not without remembering the humble beginnings.

Don’t complicate things before any connection is made. There are deep callings to friendships that will demand a new approach to being with people. Remind ourselves in the beginning, one of the basic heart-shouts upon creating a friendship is the simple connection of saying “What! You too?”Before performing actions for one another, we need to know what we are about in regard to the other. There are intimacies within relationships that take time to establish a space healthy enough to share. This is the time to contemplate whether or not we are in correct spaces to be with people. Beginning to run a race together as friends doesn’t have to mean we all starting at the same place, but maybe we ran past similar buildings and each got caught up in the weather along the way. Rep. Elijah Cummings’ remarks seem incredibly solitary, yet they encapsulate three dynamics of personhood that can be shared in experience: pain, passion, and purpose. These deeply intertwined intimacies and joys shared are means to a great relationship, but there is more for us.

We are made for so much more than the things we typically accept. That seems to be wrapped up in Jesus’ work always. We needed direction as God’s people, Jesus lead the way and also empowered us, beholding that we are loved. We want to be healed on the surface, Jesus not only does that but forgives the things that keep us anxious and up at night. Jesus answers our pleas and questions, then calls us daughters and sons of the most high. Jesus frees us from this world, in the name of love and for our own freedom. Jesus blesses our spaces with people we love, which we take for granted.

All of this, and more, reveal to me that there is so much more to be included in our friendships. We cannot trust in our own complacency for a relationship to continue, but that we must, “...pray for the fellowship so he will have to share the daily life of the fellowship; he must know the cares, the needs, the joys and thanksgivings, the petitions and hope of the others,” (Bonhoeffer, 63). The goodness that is necessary for our friendships to flourish involve prayer to the one who created said relationship, in order to sustain it. Prayer then moves into how we offer ourselves to one another. Henri Nouwen says, “the greatest gift my friendship can give you is the gift of your Belovedness. I can give that gift only insofar as I have claimed it or myself,” (Nouwen, 30). Reminiscent of Jesus’ call for us to love thy neighbor, we tend to forget the second half of that command regarding how we love ourselves. How can I love you if I cannot claim love for my own being? If I love myself all too much, how might that be translated upon loving a friend? Calling out Belovedness is so much more than words of affirmation. We are shouting out the goodness of God, bestowing God’s truth onto one another, remembering the essence of who we are. This is love in friendship. These relationships are ways of opening ourselves to the God who fostered a friendship. It is such a privilege to say to my friends that they are God’s beloved, may we never take the each other for granted. 

To reiterate a quote I had mentioned in my previous blog, “[n]one of us can be fully human on our own,” (Bartholomew, 35). This was intentional by God. This is redolent of the persons of the Trinity. And it is all to reflect back the glory of God, somehow. In friendship we are entrusted with seeking the kingdom to come, presently alongside another whose eyes are fixed on the same thing. We are too busy looking forward to get caught up in looking at each other (romance) or our selves (narcissism). This is yet another avenue that God has made worthy of God’s presence being known. In his book of collected sermons, German theologian Paul Tillich remarks on the Christian message for our time summed up into two words echoes Paul remarking on new beings. But, that which is opposite rings truth from Genesis, that, “[n]othing is more distinctive of the Old Being than the separation of man from man” (Tillich, 23). That’s it, right there. Whether we are in relation without love, or without relation altogether, we are missing the point of our embodiment of God’s image. We hinder God’s image when we are not fully present within friendships. The idea that I am beginning to grasp is that the magnanimity of divinity in friendships should not have to be forced. Upon seeking Christ in the other, the ease of enjoyment and gratitude for the other’s presence is known.

We cannot stand idle while people around us are struggling with loneliness. Take this as a charge to seek out others as if it were the greatest commandment. People will suffer if we are not willing to step into their lives just for the sake of being there. We have nothing more to offer them than the gift of knowing Jesus and his love. Or maybe shed some light on the friendships currently in your life. Push it further, pray for it, recognize the beauty of it. We are known in relation, no one is big enough to call one’s full being into activity. I bid thee farewell with a final statement from everyone’s favorite: C. S. Lewis.

Friendship exhibits a glorious “nearness by resemblance” to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest. That, says an old author, is why the Seraphim in Isaiah’s vision are crying “Holy, Holy, Holy” to one another (Isaiah VI, 3). The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall all have. (Lewis, 62)

Peace,

Austin Spence

Bartholomew, Craig G., and Michael W. Goheen. The Drama of Scripture: Finding Our Place in the Biblical Story. Londen: SPCK Publishing, 2017.

Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2015.

Keller, Timothy. “The Gospel and Your Self.” The Vision of Redeemer. November 5, 2005. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRsuCQe7aVk

Lewis, C. S. The Four Loves. San Diego, CA: Harcourt, Inc, 1960.

Nouwen, Henri J. M. Life of the Beloved. London: Hodder & Stoughton, 2016.

Tillich, Paul. The New Being. New York, NY: Charles Scriber's Sons, 1955.

Changes

The brisk wet air filled my lungs this morning, begging me-in a quick shock-to look around. I wandered outside with the slight pressure of my backpack slung over my shoulder. With the sun not quite over the horizon, and in the stillness of the cool fall morning, I was sent into reflection. As I got into my car I noticed how the leaves seemed to be clinging to their limbs, even though their color showed the inner conflict of end and beginnings. A transcendental reminder of myself, my thoughts, and my own season.

Fall always seems to draw out my inner contemplator (whether self-contemplation, contemplation for friends, or even the world.) in a way that always catches me off-guard. Especially in this season of life. My existence externally seems settled: my schedule normalized, socially comforted, really just textbook settled. Although I can feel the inner stirring of the death of a season, and it in and of itself can be unsettling. Looking back over the past six weeks, I can see the abrupt nature of change in my life, in good and bad ways. I’ve been overwhelmed by love, rocked by truth, hurt by self-expectations, but also seen the promise of grace fulfilled over and over-in a way that has truly altered me. I’ve felt this fabric of change shimmering especially in the last week or so. My typical peaceful edges of existence have subconsciously sharpened, maybe even become jagged: emotions more tumultuous, relationships seemingly more strained, my vision less bright and more dim. Its taken self-contemplation to diagnosis these symptoms of an inner season change. Death to what was, but in that a promise of cultivation and new growth. I don’t enjoy things that I can’t control, as depicted above, my whole being fights it like an unwelcomed infection, but I know it’s time to invite the newness in, even if it seems at first icy and cold / not comfortable or easy.

Even the leaves, after all their years and experience of death and promised life, cling on to the remembrance of a season. They’re forced into submission of the approaching season by gravity, wind, rain, storms etc, and while falling may be terrifying, they’re always promised the growth of a new season (even if death has to occur). I too find myself clinging, but because of the truth of promised time and proper care, its time. Time to drift, float, fall, into submission. For this new season is good, it is promised, it is established, and He is waiting: beckoning. Just as gravity beckons the leaves to drift from their old fashionings, so will I.

Cheers to this new season,

Landon

“And, if not, He is still good.” - Daniel 3

He is praying for me

Hi you!

Do you know who Robert Murray M’Cheyne is?

If you do - congratulations! If you don’t, don’t look him up - I did that for us both. Robert Murray M’Cheyne lived and preached in the 1800s at St. Peter’s in Dundee UK. And record has it that M’Cheyne’s heart was constantly drawn toward churches who were spiritually dead. He desperately wanted Holy Spirit level revival for those congregations.

Now here’s why I mention this man. Robert Murray M’Cheyne isn’t of great importance to most of us. And he wasn’t of great importance to me until I heard someone speak his words over me.

“If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.”

Those words have been planted in my brain for the past six weeks. Have you ever thought about how Jesus prays for you? How Jesus ACTIVELY talks to God on your behalf? Side-by-side and in one another they converse about you. Go read John 17. There we get a glimpse of how the conversation goes.

“Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one.” (verse 11)

“My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.” (verse 15)

“Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” (verse 24)

Jesus asked for protection over us. He asked for the protection that can ONLY come from the Father and the power of His name.

Jesus asked that we be one! One body. One being knit together in the way that Jesus is with God. And Jesus’s desire for us to be one was so deep that he gave his life to unite us to the Father eternally and to unite us to one another in love.

Jesus asked that we be with him. AND HE SAID WANT. Jesus cried, “God PLEASE let these I love be with me! Let them see my glory! Let them see YOUR glory! Only because you love me!”

I’m a firm believer that whatever sits on the throne of your heart is what you worship, what you express love to. And as Christ-followers, we want to and are called to worship God. Let me be honest, it’s been real easy to let fear sit on my heart recently. Fear that I’m bad. Fear that I’m hurtful. Fear that I’m unsafe. Fear that I’m wrong. Fear that I’m letting God down. Fear. Fear. Fear. ME. ME. ME.

WHILE CHRIST IS PRAYING FOR ME IN THE NEXT ROOM. RIGHT THERE. IN THE NEXT ROOM. He is praying for me. And Christ is praying for you! I want that to consume my heart. I want it to consume all of us. Can you imagine how we would speak and act and love and work if we did not fear a million enemies? Or if we heard Christ’s words and passion and emotion while he prayed for us?

I’m praying you and I can listen to Christ pray for us. I’m praying it brings us to our knees in joyful worship. I’m praying we experience what it’s like to not fear a million enemies.

“Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me.”

xoxo

Martha Anne

It's Time.

One month in already. How.

I swear yesterday we were heading to orientation at the lake with ten strangers I’d never met before.

Here I am, one month later feeling like I’ve been friends with these humans all my life. I had no clue the blessings the Lord had waiting for me here in Raleigh. Sure, there have been moments of anxiety (thank GOD the Clemson Tigers are 3-0). The furthest I’ve ever been from my hometown, and yet feeling so at-home every time I’m with these friends who have already loved me so well and cared for me so intentionally. I’m learning a lot about what it means to go deep in these relationships - to tear back the curtain and truly take off the mask. Being real and vulnerable is one of the scariest yet freeing things we’ll ever experience. When, if ever, have we risked being fully known by another person?

I’m being stretched in many ways but the biggest stretching is happening in growing outside my comfort I’ve found in the slight buffer of emotional distance I’ve put up in relationships - a type of self-preservation, a discreet guardedness only visible to me (or so I thought). If I’m being completely honest, that’s exhausting. For so long, I’ve been terrified to let people see some of the realest parts of me - the pieces of my heart that make me question and doubt that “If these people knew the real me, you wouldn’t love me.”

That’s where I see Jesus step in.

Friends, those are the places He loves to be found, right in the middle of our undone-ness. He’s showing me what it looks like to truly be fully known and, in turn, being fully, completely, wholly and deeply loved. And in return, I fall deeper in love with Him. This is where the overflow runs off into all our other relationships, free of fear in a place where we can be our true selves and know that’s exactly who everyone else wants us to be. 

So, I found myself during our time of solitude in our first Spiritual Formation class vividly and clearly hearing the Lord speak the words to me: “It’s Time.”  As I sat on the front porch, I let it all flow onto the paper of my journal:

“It’s Time. It’s Time, my beloved.

Time to let go. Time to let Me into all the place and spaces you don’t want Me to see. Time to let the people I’ve placed in your path come and meet you in your mess and bear those burdens with you.

Time to forgive others who have hurt you, but more importantly, time to forgive yourself.

Time to move into a life of intimacy with Me. Time to care for yourself and your own needs, and time to stop feeling guilty about it.

Time to be who you really are, who I’ve made you to be and time to stop apologizing for it.

Time to start loving yourself the way you aim to love others.

Time to return to the garden, letting me prune you, mold you, and shape you. Time to let Me, the Potter, make you into what I know and see you becoming. 

Time to look back, so we can move forward.

Time to stop letting shame and fear of rejection keep you from the community I’ve intended for you and laid out for you to lean into this year.

Time to start talking about the things people don’t talk about, because they carry weight and they matter.

Time to prioritize spending time with Me at the start of every day for the rest of your days, not because you have to but because I love you and want to be with you.

But, my beloved, all of this will take time… And it will be in my timing that is never early and never late.”

This place where Jesus has brought me has been the best ever. If you’re even remotely considering this program, do yourself a SOLID and pick up the phone to give Ashley Crutchfield a call. 

Stepping into freedom and the process of becoming, and this is just the beginning.

YEA BABY WOOOO!!!!!

<3 Adelaide Bynum <3

After Neighbor2Neighbor mentoring, we eat $5 burgers at the Station. THAT’S community, ppl.

Undone

years and years of hard work

diligently putting it all together

piece by piece

thinking all is well

progress is being made

but then you

come and scramble the whole picture

leaving pieces scattered everywhere

you smile lovingly

as I sit in the middle of the mess

knowing that I don’t know

knowing that I’m undone

and thinking to yourself

now that’s progress

Jim Branch

A month has already gone by. Wow. I can so clearly remember our first morning out on Lake Gatson. As we worshiped on the dock, I looked around at a group of people I had just met. I was in awe. Without even knowing these people, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the Lords faithfulness to bring me to that moment. I felt a sense of peace. Peace knowing that I was exactly where I needed to be.

On that dock, Ashley read us a poem that I will never forget. Undone by Jim Branch. “You smile lovingly, as I sit in the middle of the mess, knowing that I don’t know, knowing that I’m undone, and thinking to yourself, now thats progress.” Those were some powerful words on paper, but I had no idea how much it would describe my next four weeks in Raleigh.

The word undone. Thats a pretty terrifying word. I don’t know about you, but I like to have my life in order. I like comfort. I like predictability. And to be honest, thats what I’ve been living in this past year. I’m not saying that the Lord hasn’t done some incredible work during my time at Auburn University (war eagle.) But by the end of senior year, I was living a very predictable lifestyle surrounded by comfort. I had found my community and I had found my routine. If things ever got hard, I was an hour drive from home. These aren’t bad things in themselves, but I had become reliant on them. My security so often was found in the predictability of life instead of in the Lord.

However, I came to realize that even when my life seemed “put together” externally, I was a wreck internally. No matter how comfortable life felt, nothing could satisfy the true desire of my heart: the presence of the almighty God.

That is where Raleigh Fellows comes in. Let me start by saying this program is A M A Z I N G and if you are a college senior trying to figure out your next step- it would be a mistake not to pick up the phone and call Ashley Crutchfield. The Fellows Program truly equips you as a believer in every way as you make the transition from college to “adult” life. I have never felt more surrounded by people who deeply love Jesus and one another. These people CARE. The love of Christ is so evident in EVERY PERSON (I love them all so much) by the ways they radiate joy and intentionally invest in one another. I will already argue that our fellows class is the best one that has ever existed. Give us a #follow on the insta and you will see. You will wish you were a part of our weekly dance parties. I’m not kidding, these people are amazing.

But when I came into this program, I knew that the Lord wanted much more for me than the comfort I had been living in. Before moving to Raleigh four weeks ago, I prayed hard. I prayed that the Lord would use these nine-months to transform me by challenging, stretching, and refining my heart. And that is what He has begun to do- and its hard. When I pulled out of my driveway in Montgomery, Alabama one month ago, I was leaving behind every comfort I had ever known. I packed up and left the state I have always lived in, the family and friendships I had invested in, and the predictability of life. That was the most terrifying yet also most exciting thing I have ever done. That afternoon I pulled into the city of Raleigh, NC where I didn’t know a soul.

Over this past month, I have become totally and completely undone. I have been challenged and refined in my faith in ways I had never experienced until now. Satan has tried over and over again to attack my heart and thoughts with fears and insecurities more than ever before. These past four weeks have brought me to my knees. But in that place, the place of the undone- I have experienced Jesus more than ever before. I have come to the end of myself- which is a place where I must truly and fully rely on Christ. The sweetness of my Savior’s presence has met me in the middle of my mess. The comforts of my life have become completely undone. But that’s exactly where the Lord wants me to be. Its where the transformation begins.

Now thats progress.

Emme Slaton

Someone please call me a chiropractor please

Howdy folks! My name is Jack Bobo. I am a Raleigh Fellow. Thanks for reading this! Here’s what’s been happening in my life.

WOOF. Life is moving at breakneck speed. I love that metaphor. I really think that I can feel the whiplash in my vertebrae. I try my hardest to look back on the last 6 months slowly so it doesn’t lop my head clean off my shoulders but here is an attempt.

Half a year ago, I was a senior at Texas A&M University, just 12 credits away from earning my undergraduate degree in Horticulture Science. I lived with 6 of my best friends in the whole world. My job was a sweaty 10 minute bike ride away, class 7, and I was approximately 10 pounds lighter. I was dating a beautiful girl I had a crush on from camp the previous summer. I was driving my 2007 Toyota FJ Cruiser. I was a three and a half hour drive from the house that I grew up in. I was hired on at a tree service company here in Raleigh, bright-eyed and bushy-browed, ready to start my life across the country. Truly, I was aware of the change that was about to come to my life and I couldn’t wait.

Don’t look now… okay, slowly turn your head to join me in facing my present situation. Since the start to my life in Raleigh I have moved 3 times (slept in two different beds and on one couch), my roommates have changed from guys I’ve known my entire life to an extremely generous family of four that I met about a month ago, and I have used my GPS more than any time in my entire existence. I quit my job, was unemployed for about a month, started a new job (much better than the first don’t worry), and gotten in a car wreck (I am mostly in one piece however my sweet FJ is not). My long distance relationship morphed into a short distance one and then to a lifelong commitment (PUT A RING ON IT WHOOP). I have met new friends and family. I have been given the chance to pursue my dream of earning a Master’s degree from the University of Georgia in May (GO DAWGS). I have experienced tragedy from 1000 miles away, loneliness, anxiety, and hurt. I’ve been on top of the world, rejoicing, nay, screaming at the top of my lungs to the sweet sounds and sights of God’s goodness. I am talking full range of emotions here, people. I MISS MY FRIENDS. I MISS MY FAMILY. I feel like a more wholesome Voldemort with little pieces of my soul in places scattered across the country with people and mementos of my past. My heart has a Texas sized hole in it. Truly, this calendar year has been a bucking bronc. But dammit if I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Raleigh Fellows, I am more than excited to experience this next couple months with y’all. Thank you for letting me join in on this lovely, full journey. I can’t wait to see what this holds for each of us!

In Him,

Jack

Chip, a song. Written to the tune of "Rocky Top"

So Ashley has this dog. It’s name is Chip.

Chip and I have what some would call a “love-hate” relationship. However, there is enough love in this relationship to where I felt comfortable writing a song about him. Not just any song, though. The tune of this song has a very special place in my heart because it is the fight song of my alma mater…The University of Tennessee.

Without further adieu:

“Chippy Chip”

Wish that I was with ole chippy chip

Down in the RDU hills

Ain’t no doggy mess with Chippy chip

He would give them chills.

Once I had this dog named Pookie Bear

Chip’s way cooler by far

Thats why all the folks in RDU

Are real jealous from afar

Chippy Chip, you’ll always be

A real sweet puppy

Good ole Chippy Chip (WOOO)

Chippy Chip so Grumpy

Chippy Chip so Lovely.

Once two strangers tried to pet chippy chip

Looking for a little loving

Strangers aint pet no Chippy Chip

They just felt his teeth

Chippy Chip, you’ll always be

A real sweet puppy

Good ole Chippy Chip (WOOO)

Chippy Chip so Grumpy

Chippy Chip so lovely.

Thank you,

P.S.

I am having a great time as a fellow. You should do it. If you don’t, Chip will find you. And Chip will kill you. Peace n Blessings

-Alex Behnke

"I guess I just haven't learned that yet"

One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, has a saying “ I guess I just haven’t learned that yet” that she introduced into her life as she approached a new beginning. Instead of saying “I must be dumb”, “I’m failing”, or “what’s wrong with me” she started to see new beginnings as an opportunity to be a learner again. Moving to Raleigh has been so exciting because of new places, new friendships, new roles, new experiences…. the list of new and different could go on forever. With this I have felt the Lord whisper time and time again “ Krista give yourself some grace in the in-between, learn the unforced rhythms of grace” . I have been reminded of this phrase “I guess I just haven’t learned that yet” as I approach situations or people that are new. The Lord is revealing to me all I still have to learn about giving myself grace and how I have struggled for so long with allowing myself to receive his grace he so freely gives. I am learning to have a posture of willingness to grow, to be wrong, to be uncertain, to be brave enough to believe new things and leave some things behind, no longer true or useful.

Although!!!!!! Something I have learned in the past month is that these 10 other fellows are so cool….

Tim- your quiet servant heart doesn’t go unnoticed

Austin- you bring so much joy to others

Berkley- you invite people in so well

Anna- you are so genuine and real

Landon- you are bold and your story is so impactful

Jack- you take time to truly listen

Alex- you are thoughtful and your care for others so well

Adelaide- you actively pursue loving others and it shows

Martha Anne- you speak so much truth into the people around you

Emme- I can't help but smile when I see you

I could cry I love them so much!!!!! also I have learned that Raleigh has so many trees and it makes me love this city so much more.

-Krista Baker

Raleigh Fellows: a haiku

——————————————-

Raleigh Is Litty

——————————————-

My New Squad Got Me Giddy

——————————————-

Apply And Join This City

——————————————-

Yo internet fam. I ain’t gonna lie. This past month has contained some of the best moments of my life. God is so evident in this program: from the church, to the classes, to the workplace, etc. Although I feel like the community has really made everything seem a bit brighter. We have been BLESSED with a squad that roles deep. Deep in humility, kindness, compassion, accountability, and understanding. I wish I could actually articulate all the feelings that I’ve had, but I can’t. Just know that it’s been so sweet. I honestly came in worried, nervous, and anxious about what this year would look like, cause truly I didn’t know. Disbelief in God’s goodness often takes that form, but He is always true to His promises. I can explicitly see the way He has redeemed my doubts and given me the gift of these peeps. I’m really excited about what the next year is going to look like. Being surprised by God is the best kind of surprise.

Until next time,

Landon

COME BE A RALEIGH FELLOW

So I have sat down to try and write this blog post literally four times. I keep on deleting what I am typing because I feel like I shouldn’t say what I want to say because I kept on telling myself blogs are spaces for “x” type of material and not what I was really feeling in regards to the program.

So I have decided to push aside that silly way of thinking and any other preconceived notions I have that are getting in the way of what I want to say. . . So here is what I really wanted to say. . .

I LOVE THIS PROGRAM. LITERALLY WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I DONT WANT IT TO END. IM SO THANKFUL. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. JESUS, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SO GOOD! ALL THE SMILES.

wow. Okay so that just felt really weird typing that, but i’m serious that is how I feel.

I do know this program will get more challenging. Also don’t get me wrong, I am for sure tried and worn out- building relationships with this many people at one time is A LOT. But it feels incredible to be known and loved anyway.

He is so faithful and so good. So overwhelmed by the love of our Father.

-Berkley

~t h e p u r s u i t~

Its been almost four weeks since we started the program, and I’ve got to be honest, it has been some of most spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting weeks I’ve ever experienced. I can feel the painful pruning occurring and the enemy’s lies trying to tear me down as I type this.

I’m tired. Tired of feeling not worthy or enough. Tired of feeling like I don’t belong. Tired of feeling anxious and sad. Tired of feeling inadequate for the tasks at hand. Tired of not truly feeling fulfilled. Furthermore, I know that the Lord is the ONLY one who can quench that thirst within me. I know I am enough and worthy to Him. I know that God qualifies the called. And I know I belong to Him. However, I don’t feel that. Yet, I must continue to trust Him and His plan because He is GOOD.

I have seen the Lord provide and show up for me time and time again. He has called me back every time I get lost. He has placed some of the most incredibly wonderful people in my life. He has provided when I don’t think something is possible. And He has called me here to the Fellows.

These are lyrics from a song I have been listening to and singing at the top of my lungs, as I drive home from various activities that fill my time as a fellow yet I still leave feeling empty and anxious inside:

“Though the earth may try

To satisfy my heart

Though the earth may try

To tell me you're not faithful

Though the earth may try

To blind me from your goodness

You shine through

You're the only one who

Fills me up”

~Chris Renzema, You’re the Only One

I can’t say that my time as a fellow so far has been easy or painless. But, I know and trust that the Lord called me here very purposefully, just as I know He brought the other 10 fellows here so intentionally. They are all so wonderfully unique in their gifts, interests, and personalities, and I wonder how I got so lucky to know and love each of them so deeply. 

As I continue to pursue and trust the Lord and what He has called me to, I pray that I start to truly FEEL what I know to be true— You are ENOUGH.

And now, I wait.

peace + love

ANNA

I was a studio art major and have been teaching myself graphic design recently. So, to stay engaged with my creative side and continue to pursue art throughout this year, I will be attempting to make a little baby digital painting to post along with each blog post.