Human Being > Human Doing

In my first year of college, a few simple but profound words poured light into my world. The words came to me thanks to an old friend of my dad’s who also happens to be a leader in a ministry I was beginning to dip my toes in. His name is Rob Crocker, but he goes by “Crock”—“Crock spelled with a K,” he once reminded me, “I am not a low-fashion shoe”—and he has a knack for, quite simply, people. He loves to joke around and tell stories, but he also knows when people need encouragement or the space and courage to just cry.

Sensing the at-times unbearable weight of competitive, performance-driven undergraduate culture—one, which, unfortunately even seeps into college ministries at times—Crock shared with me and a group of freshmen one night at a ministry retreat: “Don’t forget that you are human beings, not human doings. God doesn’t need you to do more for Him; it is enough for you to just be.”

Well, I definitely didn’t forget. I have thought about these words on a weekly basis for three years since. But, I have asked myself, what do these words really mean? What does it mean to “just be” or to embody the core of what it means to be a human being in light of the Gospel?

In my first few weeks in Raleigh, I’ve found myself pondering this question once more. In this new place, I’ve been fighting the performance mentality of faith yet again. It is difficult to not believe that the more I can do for God, the more satisfied He will be with me, with who I am. This approach always fails, and usually drains and discourages me along the way. Fortunately, two Mary’s have helped me reach new breakthrough in my answer to the question of what it means to “just be” since coming here: Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Mary Oliver and our Spiritual Formation teacher, Mary Vandel Young. 

If you’ve read Oliver you’ll likely know that she has a keen eye for the natural world. She describes the quiet happenings in nature that, if we aren’t careful, we just might miss: the grasshopper washing her face, the “hungry mice, cold rabbits, / lean owls hunkering with their lamp-eyes / in the leafless lanes in the needled dark” (“Wolf Moon”). She writes about love, loss, and the beauty of a childlike faith, about seeing God’s hands in the elegance of nature and wondering at the mystery of God. 

One of my favorites of her poems, “Wild Geese,” starts with the simple and jarring line: “You do not have to be good.” My chest loosens, and I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I don’t have to be good? Well, thank goodness, because most days, I can’t seem to figure out how to do that. The poem continues: 

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

It seems that Oliver’s poem dared to take Crock’s sentiment one step further. Not only is it not about doing good for God, it’s not even about being good. Bold, huh? But if you try to find an instruction from the Bible to “be good,” you’ll be searching in vain. In fact, as Jesus once informs a rich young man, “No one is good--except God alone” (Mark 10:18). Okay, so it is not about “being good.” So if I’m not told to “be good” by God, what does he tell me to be? Last Monday, in our first class Spiritual Formation class, our teacher Mary Vandel Young helped me get to that answer.

She told us that the core of her class was to “be still and know that I am God.” She prayed over us before we headed off to spend time with the Lord. Her prayer was powerful, and her words resounded in my ears long after:

“Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still. 

Be.”

There was that word again: be. The word hit me forcefully but gently. The permission to “just be” brings at once a calm and a confusion. Be what? As I sat by the fire outside watching the smoke drift toward the clouds I knew: be loved. It seemed so obvious, and yet in all my pondering of the question, my mind had never landed at that thought. 

Ever since I read Henri Nouwen’s Life of the Beloved a couple of years ago, I have cherished the notion that I am the beloved of God. I have known myself to be God’s beloved. And suddenly, sitting there by the fire, it occured to me to break down the word: to be beloved is to be loved. I had begun to embrace the title, and now I can embrace the command. That is what God instructs me to be: loved. How amazing is that? 

The most true thing about me is that I am God’s beloved child, beloved even in—not despite of—my sin (Romans 5:8). He loves me not because I’ve done or been good, but simply by the virtue that He created me. The terrible and wonderful truth of the Gospel is that I am utterly incapable of earning God’s love or making Him love me any more—or any less.

In another one of her poems about Jesus’ multiplying the loaves and fishes, “Logos” (2004), Oliver instructs us to “accept the miracle.” But even in the context of this specific Gospel miracle, it is clear that Oliver is telling us to accept more than just the miracle of the loaves and fishes. It is not about doing or even being good; it’s about accepting the miracle.

And what is the miracle? The miracle is that, despite all efforts of the world to tell me otherwise, despite my sin and imperfections, despite my inability to do good things and be good all the time, God says that I am enough, that I am beloved. So I will look up at the “wild geese, high in the clear blue air” and breathe easy. Ah, the miracle of Grace.

-Sarah Woodard

August/September

One afternoon this summer, I drove to my high school to reflect and pray for the move to Raleigh. I basically grew up on our softball field, so it felt fitting to park there for a while. I noticed a new white banner on the left field fence that read “HUTCH” in huge red letters. The second I saw it, memories washed over me - His distinct smell every time he’d give me a hug. His booming laugh that echoed across the field. His stubbornness. His genuine excitement when I got something right. His piercing blue eyes. His fierce commitment to us.

Bill Hutchinson, Hutch, was my softball coach for almost all of my career. From the time I started playing as a five-year-old, all the way through high school, he was always there. He taught me all the basics, that it takes 30 days to break a bad habit, and how to be a person of character on and off the field. I blame him for why my golf swing was so dang bad at Drive Shack last week. 

Grieving his death has never been intense, yet almost two years later, sitting on Ashley's dock one morning during Orientation Retreat, I found myself randomly choked up over his life. I was slightly taken aback. It’s been a while since he passed, and I’ve lived such a different life since I knew him. I’ve also been “retired” for years now, and softball isn’t exactly the sport you can just pick up anywhere, so I feel really separate from it all. But that morning on the dock felt holy. Not holy in a super-spiritual, overwhelming-emotions kind of way, but more like a divine nudge. I was reminded of a beautiful question I came across this summer: What if allowing grief to wash over us, in both the elongated, intense moments, and in the seemingly trivial moments, is actually saying yes to God?

Each day in Raleigh so far has contained so much goodness, and there’s much to grieve - college, friends, family, the loss of normalcy, the grief of vulnerability and transition, the list goes on. I never want to be a person who gives pat answers when it comes to grief, but I will say that God knows it well, cares about it, and desires to be invited into it. For me, my moment of grief was a reminder of the gift of Hutch’s life, who I want to be, and God’s kindness and faithfulness.

For 25 years Hutch was the head softball coach at Albemarle High School. More than that, he coached dozens of rec teams of younger girls, and incessantly gave hitting and pitching lessons, often for free, even during the week after high school practice. The offer was always there for him to move up to the collegiate level, but he stayed. In the eyes of our ruthlessly success-driven culture, to spend so much time teaching girls how to play softball (of all sports) is laughably pitiful. To me, he’s a tangible picture of Jesus. He quietly served the “least of these” for decades with no promise of anything in return. He devoted himself to building up others. He was someone who was just always there for me growing up. He was the best listener and always had challenging questions for me. He was the epitome of a servant-leader.

Starting Fellows has provided the space for articulating my story in new ways. God’s bringing to light experiences and people, like Hutch, that I’ve lost or left behind. I could tell you why I think He’s doing this, but I honestly just want to sit in sadness and gratitude. I am who I am because of people like Hutch. It is so sad that he’s gone, and I’m so thankful to have opportunities to remember him and tell stories of his unmatched role in my life.

And he’s just one of many I could write pages about.

This year has already been a year of newness. There are so many people I’m excited to learn from. But I think it will simultaneously be a year of remembering. Remembering the people, experiences, and places that have been divinely used to mold me and spur me on. Learning, remembering. Giving thanks, grieving. Here’s to inhabiting the tension.

Questions and Quotes from this month-ish -

Don’t we all just want to be listened to?

“All through those centuries warnings were sounded that if, indeed man was the measure of all things, someone had to determine ‘which man’. Was it going to be Hitler or Hugh Hefner, Stalin or Mother Teresa?” – Ravi Zacharias

How do you like your bacon cooked?

The 5th graders in my classes are honored when I ask them to do something. When and why does it become so difficult to ask people for help?

“Much of the challenge for us as Christians today is learning to embed our lives in the true story of the Gospel, while offering this as the better story for our friends and neighbors.” — Dr. Josh Chatraw

What is a smell that instantly brings a vivid scene to your mind?

“The only person who dares wake up a king at 3:00 AM for a glass of water is a child. We have that kind of access.” – Tim Keller

Why the heck do people here care about their grass so much?

– Brooke

it's been a week and i've already got thoughts, sorry!

In the past few months I’ve seen a lot of my friends post about rainbows on Instagram. Maybe this has always been a thing, but I’m only just now noticing it. A lot of people I know talk about how they’d asked God to show them rainbows as reminders of Him, His presence, His promises- my good friend Lillabea is one of them. When Lil came back from the World Race a few years ago she asked God every day to show her a rainbow, and He delivered for months and months after: “a symbol of hope, a colorful display of God’s care for man.” Even my friends who don’t follow the Lord and who aren’t outright praying for them are regularly seeing them. It’s been raining a lot this summer, and every time it does, I pray that I’ll see a rainbow. I never have. I’m frustrated every time this happens, and at this point I just want to see a rainbow because I simply couldn’t even tell you the last time I saw one. 

If I’m being completely honest I’ve been frustrated for a long time about unanswered prayers, rainbow or otherwise. If I’m being even more honest, the times I doubt God the most and whether He is even real, are when I think about how seemingly unanswered all my prayers are. Because too much of the time I truly feel like I’m just talking to nothing, shouting at the sky, empty words into a void. And I get so frustrated at myself when I feel that way, because how can I be a ‘real Christian’ if I can’t even get myself to believe in prayer half the time? Is that not, like, Step #1 of Christianity? Hearing story after story of how God has answered other peoples’ prayers makes me feel insecure, even angry at times; ‘what am I doing wrong’ is probably my most common lament. I feel as though God hears everyone but me. I think ‘what am I doing wrong’ as I see some cheesy cliché about prayer (you know you’ve seen a 46-year-old suburban mom repost one of them on Facebook, bad graphic design and all) when prayer for me can be a straight shot to doubt and questioning. What. Am. I. Doing. Wrong. 

One of my favorite questions to ask people is, ‘What one moment of your life would you want to relive?’ My answer is always the same. Five years ago I spent a month working at a Younglife camp in Colorado called Crooked Creek. A few nights into the week every camper has the opportunity to spend fifteen minutes in silence under the stars. On week one, all of us on work crew and summer staff were in the dining hall together, quietly waiting to go out and sing and act as the camp bell once the fifteen minutes were up. The curtains were supposed to be closed, but one of them that faced the pond and the mountains was pulled open. Behind the mountain range was a lightning storm, and every few seconds the lightning would flash and light up the valley and the clouds around it. The majority of us stood in complete silence around that window watching in awe, completely captivated by every second of it. 

At our Fellows orientation retreat last week, we had one night where we ate dinner down at the dock around sunset. As the sun started going down and it progressively got darker, the heat lightning around the lake was becoming more and more apparent. All night long lightning flashed across the sky- in front of me, down farther out past the cove, sometimes so bright it felt blinding. It was a pretty cloudy night, save the one stretch of sky where I could see more stars than I’d seen all summer, but I think it made the lightning all the better, watching the clouds light up with each flash. 

And in that moment, for the first time, I felt the smallest bit of contentment that I’m not given rainbows. I realized that this summer I’d been given lightning and I’ve never even asked for it. I’ve always wanted to relive that moment at Crooked Creek, and I get pieces of that every time I’ve seen heat lightning. I’ve never seen it and not been instantly captivated, not instantly felt a sense of peace, however brief. I’m so easily unaware of the gifts already being lavished on me daily, dismissive of what’s right in front of me. So on that night in the midst of hurt and anxiety and questioning, I got to sit on a dock until midnight under the stars and laugh deeply over hours of “make it or break it’s,” consistently surrounded by lightning- reminders of God, His presence, His comfort, and His promises. Each flash telling me “Look at where I’ve brought you. Look at where you are. And yet- there is still so much more to come.”.

anyways, that’s all i’ve got. this is definitely the only time i’ll get this done quickly.

monthly music recommendations: burden by fawn, quantum physics by ruby waters, unready by gordi, they think we’re stupid by ezra bell, turn up your light by boo seeka, you were a kindness by the national, grigio girls by lady gaga

-- Jen Kunin

Blog Post Review

A recap of posts for the class of 2020 Raleigh Fellows. I know what you are thinking…did one of my blog posts get picked? What memories is this going to bring back? Or maybe your name is Ashley Crutchfield and you are beyond excited that another blog post is being written!!!

Anyways, let’s get on to the review. You just need to make me one promise. Do not scroll down to look at the pictures until you have finished reading the review.

1. This post came at the end of the year. Times were hard with almost everyone separated and back home while coronavirus swept through the nation. There were moments of hope like when Cecil got married to queen Darby, when Berkley, Horace, Eugene, and Cecil started grad school, and people finding places to live in Raleigh. This post came with some waves, tears and injuries, but also with laughter, dancing in the rain, a new friend Julia, and Ratatouille. This post brought us all together again and provided some closure in a time of chaos. Glamping at its finest. WELCOME TO THE KRAHNKES!

2. This post is a bit older, but definitely resonates with me and a few others. This post is from the real Death Valley where the Clemson Tigers play. Now while they ultimately ended up losing to some knockoff bayou tigers playing in the fake death valley the biggest shame is that Clemson will not have the chance to reclaim the national championship trophy with college football in the fall of 2020 being in jeopardy. This particular picture was taken in the fall of 2018, the last Clemson game I have sat in the stands and watch. However, I had the pleasure of watching this blowout against FSU with my brother and a couple of his friends. Following this game Clemson went on to destroy South Carolina (not USC cause lawsuits) and then blow out Alabama in the title game.

3. This last post is in honor of a 30 year drought being broken. One of the the most storied clubs in England ended their title drought in historic fashion. This particular post is of the goal post at Anfield, oh and Roberto Firmino scoring a no look goal against Arsenal. Why is this post in here? Well it brought me joy that soccer (football) could return so that there are live sports on TV and there is also a beautiful message in Liverpool’s Anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. It’s the beautiful game and it brings a smile to my face. If you’ve gotten to this point, thank you for humoring me and I hope this brings you at least a little bit of joy today.

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1. Dock post at Shallotte. RIP Landon’s foot

2. Clemson field goal posts. RIP College football 2020

3. Firmino no look goal vs Arsenal. Anfield goal post. RIP 30 year league title drought

From the Notebook of a Newlywed Research Assistant

It’s a crazy life, ain’t it, Gracious Reader?

Last time I posted on this blog, I was sitting at my kitchen table in my childhood home in Texas. I am now sitting in my own home. A home that I pay rent for. An apartment home. An apartment home that I pay rent for in Georgia. I am not sitting at a table because I have no table! I just recently got a couch, lay off! You, Gracious Reader, might be thinking, “Jack, you’re unemployed. How are you paying for an apartment? And a couch??” Allow me to retort. I GOT FREAKIN MARRIED!!! (So Darby also pays rent here;))

Approximately 10 days after I posted my previous blog, we decided that there was no way in H-E-doublehockeysticks that the government was going to allow us to get 300+ people together in semi-rural Iowa for a wedding. So we called an audible. We said, “heck, why don’t we just drive to Bozeman (where Darby is from and where her parents live) and tie the knot?” So, we did! I won’t bore you with the details, but it was incredible and I am happily married to the gal of my dreams!!!

Now that I have a wife that I live with in an apartment home in Georgia, I have allowed myself to make observations and write them down, just as any good research assistant might do. Here are a few:

-”Ah, yes, marriage. Should be easy enough! (04/28/20)”

-”I noticed that The Woman washes her face at night. When we wake up, She washes her face again. If my calculations are correct, that’s two times a day. I will continue to observe and report (04/30/20)”

-”We, The Woman and I, have begun sharing a dresser. This required a purge of old t-shirts. This was more painful than I care to admit. I am, however, glad that I did it. (05/03/20)”

-”It seems that The Woman likes to wear my t-shirts. Haha. This is a cute thing that She does. (05/04/20)”

-”A week in. Many more to go. I quite enjoy this marriage thing. (05/05/20)

-”We made our bed as soon as we woke up today, even though we’re sleeping in it tonight and have no one coming over today. It seems highly inefficient but I will do it because She asked me to. (05/07/20)

-”The Woman has done two loads of laundry today. Interesting. (05/07/20)”

-”If The Woman notices that my attention is elsewhere for prolonged periods of time, She asks if I still love her. I reply yes every time, of course, because I, in fact, do. (05/08/20”

-”The Woman has asked that I close the drawers when I’m done using them. She politely also points out when the kitchen cabinets are left open by me. I will work on it. (05/09/20)”

-”I have begun washing my face at night. May the force of habit sweep me off my feet. (05/10/20)”

-”The Woman is much more gracious and kinder than I am. (05/11/20)”

-”She doesn’t mind that I play video games. This is quite an interesting development and not how I hypothesized she would react. I plan to push these boundaries and see how long I can go. This may be my last journal entry. (05/13/20)”

Another interesting life update is that I am officially an alum of the Raleigh Fellows program. In all seriousness, I am more than grateful for the Fellows and the community surrounding it. The past 9.5 months have been some of the most important of my life to date. I was a sheep and a Shepherd, a student and a teacher, a speaker and a listener, a resident and a guest. I cannot put into words how this year has shaped me. I truly can’t tell you all that I’ve learned. It was the best of times with the best of people.

Thank You, Young Family. Thank You, Church of the Apostles. Thank You, Ashley. Thank You, Gracious Reader. Thank You, Raleigh.

-Jack B.

The Lion Within

September 1st 2019

Martha Anne -

Tomorrow you move to Raleigh to embark on yet another season of life. I wanted to sit down and share some hope and some truth you’ve learned this summer.

There is joy and instruction in quiet moments that you LOVE. It doesn’t have to be Paris or Stellenbosch or Lion’s Head, your Father loves to whisper to you in the silence of the strong, gentle wind. And in giving into that, you demonstrated listening. You learned a trait of your Father and found it in yourself. Cultivate that trait - listen well.

Satan and his sinful ways are always the enemy. And as you continue to be confronted with sin, you will continue to yearn for heaven. Your body is broken along with your mind and heart. You can hope in redemption and salvation. You can trust God hates sin more than you and loves people more than you.

I hope this year the anxiety left your body and you felt the holy reconciliation.

I hope you find time to create and rejoice in the imperfection of your creation.

I hope you’re vulnerable and it brings freedom.

I hope the cross becomes ever more real.

I hope God brings clarity to your mind and heart.

I hope you learn to view your body as God does and rejoice in the gift that it is.

I hope you will embody the lion the Lord rooted within you. She is ready.

Eight months ago I wrote those words to myself as I prepared to transition to life in Raleigh. I held onto the letter, knowing the romantic in me would love to look back on where my heart was. It’s a gift to look upon the hopes I had for myself and see some were prayerfully fulfilled while others were forgotten. The anxiety isn’t completely gone, I wouldn’t say I found time to create, and it’s been hard at times to hold the cross with the weight it deserves. But, there has been immeasurable clarity, vulnerability, and a revitalized appreciation of my body.

Let me tell you about the lion - she is ready. And she has found her voice. But she still needs to work on listening well. I’ve become so greatly aware of the power that I hold as a daughter of the Almighty King, but I’m not always the best caretaker of that gift. I fail to remember that I will always be an apprentice who needs to yield to her Master. I fail to walk humbly with my God. I fail to remember the humbling truths that Richard Rohr kindly reminds us of: “life is hard; you are not that important; your life is not about you; you are not in control; you are going to die.”

So here’s the new letter. May 1st 2020.

Martha Anne -

Tomorrow you’ll still be unemployed and in the midst of a season you’d have never wished upon yourself. It’s uncomfortable and scary. How dare you trust someone else with your life? Well, how could I not?

This summer, you’re going to read the Chronicles of Narnia and East of Eden. You’re going to live in your tiny house and grow some tomatoes. You’re going to be surrounded by the five best girls you’ve ever met, who continue to choose you out of love, not obligation. You’re going to have to stay put for a while, maybe longer than you may have wanted.

You’re also going to need to reframe your view of safety and security. Because you cannot continue to rely on childhood coping mechanisms to keep you safe. The Lord keeps you safe. And this summer is a great time to trust the Lord, to live in the freedom provided from His embrace. He is El Roi, the God who sees. He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord will provide. He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord that heals. Martha Anne, would you look at the birds of the air? They neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns (although they may annoy you in the morning), and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Haven’t I continuously claimed you as my own?

I continue to hope that anxiety and control leave your body.

I continue to hope that you listen well.

I continue to hope you find freedom in release.

I continue to hope you live out of the passions gifted to you by God.

I continue to hope you will embody the lion the Lord rooted within you.

And for you, my hope and prayer is that you will learn more about a characteristic of the Lord and witness it within yourself as well. My hope is that you lean into the hard spaces with open hands. My hope is you allow God to change your heart and your schedule. My hope is that we do it together! My hope is for more hugs, kisses, laughs, mirror selfies, dancing, and breath. For all of us.

xoxo

Martha Anne

April_AS

A man can be destroyed but not defeated. Ernest Hemingway

It's silly not to hope. It’s a sin he thought. Ernest Hemingway

Enlightenment does not come from a full stomach or a soft pillow. Conrad Anker

Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams. Fyodor Dostoevsky

Respect is not a feeling. It is how we treat another person. Peter Scazzero

My comfort is that God governs the world. Jeremiah Evarts

Your quality of experience is based not on standards such as a time or ranking, but on finally awakening to an awareness of fluidity within action itself. Haruki Murakami

I believe that not of my own reason and power do I believe in my Lord or am able to come to Him. Martin Luther

One of the consolations that this time has brought is the space to read for myself. In case you don’t know already I really enjoy reading. That wasn’t always the case, I think I read maybe 40% of books assigned throughout middle school and high school (which is probably why I did so poorly in English). Forcing myself to read books I didn’t care for was rough. Undergrad came around and I began to enjoy the books that I was reading, thus making it much more pleasing to sit down and devour a book. The feeling never left, and since graduation I have probably averaged four books a month. Before anyone rolls their eyes, get real. Anyone can do this. I scored a 15% on verbal memory on an abilities test, which is just fancy for I read SLOW and it takes some time for me to remember the things I read. 

Reading has become somewhat of a discipline over the years. For starters, it is a little chunk of my day where I am still and shut my mouth. It’s a time when the voice in my head still sounds like me, but is saying words that are not my own. The more I can lessen the amount I hear of myself, the more selfless I hope to become. Next, if you are logistical and progress means something, the ability to knock books off my list is satisfying. If I commit to reading 10 pages a day in a 200 page book, I will be done in 20 days. Up that page amount and I will be done much quicker, which means I can move on to another book. Or make it about time, if all else fails shooting to read for an hour is extremely settling and will usually push me along in reading. 

The desire for reading and learning is out of a place of shaking my foundations. Through reading, I begin to unlearn my own thought-processes that may be harmful to my being and others. Reading different perspectives allows me to expand a net of acceptance in the world. I mentioned a quote from Matt Haig’s book Notes from a Nervous Planet a while ago that went:

“Reading isn’t important because it helps you get a job. It’s important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you’re given. It’s how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape.”

Proper perception of the world we live and the people we love is fundamental in embracing the Kingdom of God here. If my bubble and my life is the only thing that speaks weight into who I am and who I understand God to be then I think it’d be better to be mute (that is a serious conjecture and I do not mean to demean the experience of mute people). Reason I say that is if I open my mouth with such a closed-minded mentality I can really only hurt myself/ the people I am speaking to. The fact of the matter is that it is part of the learning experience of communing with people. The embodiment of what I have been thinking has been said beautifully by the boys Penny and Sparrow on this Paste Magazine session. Listen to their whole set because the song “Eloise” continues to make me weep and hope, but if you can’t just go to 5:10.

My confidence has come from exploring and learning. My opinions mean nothing unless held up to the Light of Christ and still ring true. Anyways, I finished all of the Fellows-assigned-reading books last week, I will give thoughts and rank them as I find appropriate. (THESE ARE MY OPINIONS SHEESH)

1. Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning

   • Woof, Brennan is a picture of the grace of God for all of His creatures. Honest look into a man gripped by sin whilst trying to grapple with the goodness that a life with Christ brings. Notable sentiment here is that it is a very radical act to consider yourself a beloved son or daughter in God, and that is what we are called to do. Thanks to Adelaide for adding this to our list.

2. To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue

   • Some of the best poetry I have read in a my lifetime…which isn’t a lot but to take John’s words as blessings over my days and circumstances felt a bit like the Psalms reworked into contemporary life. Not that the Psalms can’t speak to us and bless us now, John used his blessedness to bless his readers to feel comforted and prepared to follow Jesus.

3. Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

   • Best book I have read on communing with other believers. If there are things to say that are seemingly new and effective, this book was probably the diving board in which they jumped off of. Loosely pulling from Martin Buber, Dietrich finds it necessary to recognize the divinity that is in other people, and that Christ is the supplier and sustainer of and community.

4. Water from a Deep Well by Gerald Sittser

   • This was really my first dive into church history and I wasn’t necessarily expecting that. The outline of following different movements and focusing on a particular few individuals who contributed significantly to the Christian experience. That kept things interesting and gave me some direction for who to read and explore when I do decide to go back in time. Sittser writes and explains well, probably based off that teaching background.

5. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

   • There is a good amount of theoretical speech about what it means to love well (what is considered the point of having an emotionally healthy spirituality) but there is just as much practical disciplines to enact on to do just that. Will suggest this to most people, need to have a humility to give issues up to the Lord within it.

6. The Universe Next Door by James Sire

   • James accomplished what he set out to do—clearly catalog the major world views that have developed in our time as humans. By consistently tracking each world view in the answering of seven (and sometimes eight) distinct questions the read was laid out well for comparison.Does a good job of allowing readers to stay at a birds eye view by explicitly answering the questions.

7. The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen

   • Henri sits in my pantheon of authors who have grabbed my hand and walked me towards a proper relationship with God. This book includes his thoughts on different disciplines in (but not limited to) the Christian tradition. Definitely leans towards that mystical battle of allowing oneself to do nothing in a discipline, hoping to receive something.

8. Drama of Scriptures by Craig Bartholomew and Michael Goheen

   • For a book on the entire biblical narrative I thought Bartholomew and Goheen did a good job bringing out the application side of things. In terms of a biblical studies book there weren't any huge leaps made for fresh content, but you don't get many good books these days that balance the interpretation of scriptures and what we are supposed to do with it.

9. Walk, Sit, Stand by Watchman Nee

   • This was a short read but a worthwhile one. Watchman brings in a Chinese perspective on the book of Ephesians and what Paul is getting at. To see oneself in three different stages is all important in seeking God to be sovereign over the entirety of our lives.

10. Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller

    • Tim, Tim, Tim: where shalt I begin. I am enthralled by this man, and he may be my favorite theological and anthropological voice as far as contemporaries go. This book may have beat a dead horse as far as work as theology goes. I could be very wrong, but in previous books I stuck with it, but this one may have followed some rabbit holes I wasn’t interested in. For a similar book I enjoyed a little more, look into Garden City by John Mark Comer.

11. Life Together in Christ by Ruth Haley Barton

    • Ruth is a spectacular writer and theologian. The reason her two books are so low on my list is due to the fact that I enjoy a bit more heady-theological take on things like community in this book, hence my enjoyment of Life Together, which this book is somewhat a jump from. Ruth takes somewhat difficult sentiments laid out by Dietrich and makes them digestible, just not my taste. (My suggestion is to read Dietrich’s book if you want depth, this would be a good intro)

12. Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton

    • Again, Ruth is an amazing writer. I received a ton of guidance and wisdom from her book Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership. This was another, dare I say, watered down approach to concepts that Richard Foster touched on in Celebration of Disciplines, which is my suggestion for those seeking deeper understanding and possibly more difficult to grasp concepts. This book is for the introductory to sacred disciplines, it involves practical advice and Ruth’s own commentary.

13. Self to Lose - Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil

    • Marilyn introduces the Enneagram in a relatively already-spoken-of way. As in there wasn’t really any unique teaching, other than there was a larger emphasis on our true self being the essence God created us to be. As a strong adherer to “If you aren’t saying anything new then why am I reading your work?” this didn’t blow my mind. BUT for people who had no background in the Enneagram, I am sure this is a great start, as most of the other books out there do not have a strong Christian link. My suggestion: The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher Heuertz.

April is coming to an end, we have been Zoom calling for the entirety of the month and I am just ready to see my pals. I miss em! Grateful for the Fellows at large for giving us leaders like Ashley who lays down her life for the cause of us engaging with Christ in our life that makes an impact. Thanks to our teachers for choosing books that push us and at times, comfort us.

Thanks,

Austin

God is doing something

Listen, I can be the chief of skepticism and doubt when it comes to how God is actually working in the midst of absolute disaster. I have been praying for God to reveal the ways in which He is doing so, and then God sent me some truth via C.S. Lewis (written in 1942):

Satan: “I will cause anxiety, fear and panic. I will shut down businesses, schools, places of worship, and sports events. I will cause economic turmoil.”

Jesus: “I will bring together neighbors, restore the family unit, I will bring dinner back to the kitchen table. I will help people slow down their lives and appreciate what really matters. I will teach my children to rely on me and not the world. I will teach my children to trust me and not their money and material resources”.

-C.S. Lewis

May we all find trust and peace in the Lord during this time. He is working.

-Alex Behnke

Hurt

Home is hard.

Lots of tears. Lots of frustration. Lots of struggle.

Feeling SO guilty for feeling this way when people are literally dying around the world and families are truly falling apart. I know all pain is relative, and comparing mine to another’s is of little help. Yet, it is still hard.

Time with the Lord has been felt painful, distant, and lonely. I feel exhausted. I feel hurt.

It is so hard to do everything online. Zoom calls. FT calls. Phone calls. Emails. Work. Life. - I feel sucked into a lifestyle I don’t want and I am NOT myself right now. I don’t even know who this person is.

So…here I am. Will this ever change?

I’m tired.

-B

March_AS

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how. Friedrich Nietzsche

Nihilism is the boiling point of philosophy. Scott Steele (gamertag Steeley007)

Hier zu sein ist so viel // “To be here is immense.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Go dté tú slán // “May you go safely.” Actually how the Irish say goodbye, John O’Donohue

From the evidence, why was I given today? John O’Donohue

#1 predictor of relational success/ health is proximity. Jason Young

And it’s hard to say nothing // To my only ghost. Rob Grote (The Districts)

Transformation gives us the audacity to advance along a road of unknowing. Jean Vanier (repeat from last month)

Love doesn’t mean doing extraordinary or heroic things. It means knowing how to do ordinary things with tenderness. Jean Vanier

For the culture and for the blog I will get this thang on it’s way. Folks, I am a bit gutted to take to the keyboard to write down any and all thoughts I may have currently. I hate to give something like this pandemic the power to influence whether or not I am learning or thinking about good things. Alas, I am reluctant to share that despite keeping my face buried in books for the past few weeks that I have really learned one sentiment over the course of this time. The walk of a Christ-follower is one towards unknowing.

This is bold and I hope could cause some controversy in our walk with Christ, but I am in the headspace of this currently. For instance, the first few days we (the United States) became more serious about this pandemic, questions were being brought up that religious folks were forced to meet head on.

Why is this happening? What is our role? What does Jesus say about this? How do we hope and trust in this time?

Another shout for help, because if any of the public has good answers for these I invite them. My initial reaction is meeting these with ferociousness. How dare you ask me something like that? I have absolutely no idea how I am supposed to reconcile this. But that doesn’t mean that I am not hopeful. That I am not praying. That I am not seeking Christ as if he were not here.

In points of desperation, it may be a beautiful time to share a humble faith with the world. While humans look to these enormous questions revolving around theodicy (the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil) in the world, our voices as Christ followers may provide a refreshing voice. We have the promise of resurrected bodies, fulfilling what was intended, and walk here as people first and foremost loved by the Creator of the universe. As we live into these sentiments, our lives are testimonies to the invisible God. This isn’t a flex or a stance that we are somehow superior, but of course people may look to us.

I think we miss the target when we are looking to explain this pandemic in a way that puts us even with God. In our desire to emulate Christ in our service, it must be outward and not inward. Meaning our focus is on serving the world, and not ourselves. This isn’t new by the way. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as ransom for many.” That’s from Mark, in the Bible. Anyways Martin Luther has this to say about what it looked like for him to serve others.

“I shall ask God mercifully to protect us. Then I shall fumigate, help purify the air, administer medicine and take it. I shall avoid places and persons where my presence is not needed, in order not to become contaminated and thus perchance inflict and pollute others, and so cause their death as a result of my negligence. If God should wish to take me, he will surely find me, and I have done what he has expected of me, and so I am not responsible for either my own death or the death of others. If my neighbor needs me, however, I shall not avoid place or person but will go freely as stated above. See this is such a God-fearing faith because it is neither brash nor foolhardy, and does not tempt God.”

– Martin Luther, “Whether One Should Flee From A Deadly Plague" (1527 Letter to Rev. Dr. John Hess), Works of Martin Luther, 43:132.

I am frustrated by the ignorance of some of my brothers and sisters in Christ during this time, and yes I am looking at you dead in the eyes, Rev. Rodney Howard-Browne (look em up if you feel inclined). I don’t need to push an agenda of why we should stay at home and self-isolate, etc. If anything I bring this up because we will consistently be voices for good and flourishing in the world, should we choose to speak well. I started working at home because not because I was afraid of the pandemic for me, but rather the implications that I might have on others if I was out. There is part of me that is frustrated that we have become rather self-indulgent and refuse to live a different way in this time. That is America as a whole, struggling in isolation and looking towards the economy over people. Full Stop.

So I do not know. I don’t know if this is a time in reflection of God’s judgment on God’s people, I don’t know when I will begin to live regularly again, I don’t know what this will do for our program, hell I don’t even know the latest TikTok trend because I haven’t seen Landon and Emme in a while. I don’t know. So don’t ask.

What I do know is that we as humans continue to go above and beyond in extending love to one another. From neighborhoods and cities breaking out in celebration for our medical workers, to Martha Anne setting up touchpoints throughout the week so we are kept sane in our now-dispersed community, to seeing Times Square empty based on all of us stacking hands, even to the glimmers of hope occurring across the world.

How I am keeping sane:

Reading…. a lot, listening to all the albums I missed, writing more than usual, playing video games with my host dad, playing board games with my host brother, taking breaks during work, running my frustration out, going on walks with folks (6 ft.), getting good sleep, Facetime beers with friends, checking in on @goodnews_movement , involving myself in the silly social media challenges for connection, and man I am still praying. I am privileged enough to see this as a weird Sabbath that God seems to be offering me, so I am going to hold onto that and give it my best shot.

Peace,

Austin

Todo, I've a feeling we're not in Raleigh anymore

Todo: No, no we’re not. That ain’t no joke, fool (Todo if he were trained by Mr. T; also Happy April 1st, Gracious Reader)

Well, almost all of us. We’ve retreated to our hometowns and homelands. Back under the roofs that raised us; isn’t it wonderful?! Last Monday, my betrothed and I got in the car at 4:00 AM and drove for 17 hours STRAIGHT to Fabulous Frisco, Texas to be with family. I miss my friends back in Raleightown, but this was the best decision we could have made in these trying times!

After a week at home, here’s an update: I’ve left twice (once for a Whataburger run, another for an intoxicating Target trip), last week the average high was 80 F so we spent most days working by the pool (some working from home, some working on their tans (I refuse to comment who is the former and the latter)), we have started watching the Netflix original docuseries “Tiger King” (fun fact: Joe Exotic graduated from the same high school as my parents), and I’ve blown the dust off of numerous old videogames including but not limited to: Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood, Skyrim, Fallout 3, and Civilization Revolution (this now concludes Jack’s signature run-on sentence, thank you, Gracious Reader!)

All in all, Darby and I have felt nothing but love ever since stepping foot back on these sacred grounds from those in proximity and not. I know that I’ve stated this before, but there’s nothing quite like the wide open spaces that North Texas has to offer.

I have a mustache now, so that’s new. No, this is not like the Brittany Spears breakdown of 2008; I quite like it. The women in my life disagree, but hell, I am my own man (for the next 53 days!)

Oh yeah, it’s worth mentioning that Darby and I get married NEXT MONTH WHOOOOOOOP

Now, I preface all of this with the good because there is so much hurt and sadness creeping and crawling around the country. I will spare you the aches. But,

Gracious Reader, if I could be so bold to make a few suggestions to help ease your Coronacation, I would say something like this: Use this time to catch up with old friends, use this time to read for fun (FINISH THE BOOK THAT’S BEEN 75% DONE FOR 6 MONTHS JUST BITE THE BULLET AND DO IT), put down the self-help book and pick up Harry Potter or the Chronicles of Narnia (if your parents won’t let you read Harry Potter). If you believe in God the Father and Jesus His Son who died for our sins and His Holy Spirit that lives inside of us guiding and directing our lives, use this time to prove to Him that you do, in fact, trust Him in everything (even a big nasty virus). I don’t mean to downplay our current situation, I only intent to upplay our enormous, all powerful, sovereign God. That being said, to the best of your ability: stay home, wash your hands, do what the government says (Ron Swanson suddenly shudders somewhere far away).

I hope this post brightens your beautiful face, Gracious Reader!

Reading: The Green Mile by Stephen King (finished), Pet Semetary by Stephen King (finished), IT by Stephen King (finished (also, my new favorite book, I’d love to talk about it with you, Gracious Reader)), ‘Salem’s Lot by Stephen King, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

Audiobooking: Scythe by Niel Shusterman (finished), Thunderhead by Niel Shusterman, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

Listening to: Vampire Weekend, Penny and Sparrow, and a playlist that Austin Spence made me (thanks buddy!) There’s nothing like comfort tunes during these trying times.

-Jack B.

From the Italian: Martha Anne’s Simple Tomato Sauce

Hi all!

I know that February is actually the shortest month, but looking back at my calendar makes March 1st feel like yesterday. And honestly, I’m glad the day is gone. With the upheaval of life brought on by COVID-19 I am more than happy to kiss March goodbye.

My word for March was “open". And while I could probably conjure up something meaningful about that, I’d prefer to ask you to be open! I’d like you to be open to trying new things. Specifically - my tomato sauce recipe.

As I sit here stroking Lou White’s cat, Zoey, I realize many of us have very few things to do at home these days. And maybe you’re tired of reading or watching or talking. So I hope you feel excited to stand in front of a stove with some delicious ingredients and make a simple tomato sauce! Mangiamo!

Italians in the Kitchen, pt 1.

Martha Anne’s Simple Tomato Sauce

Cook Time: 10-15 minutes

Serves: 4

Ingredients:

- 2 pints of ripe cherry tomatoes

- 1-3 cloves of garlic (per preference)

- 2 tablespoons of olive oil

- 1/4 cup of dry white wine

- 1/4 cup of fresh basil (chopped if preferred)

- salt/paper

Optional add-ins: onions, red pepper flakes, dried oregano

Italians in the Kitchen, pt. 2

Instructions:

- finely dice 1 to 3 cloves of garlic (I’d suggest 2 or 3) and cut a majority of the cherry tomatoes in half

- heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a pan on medium high heat

- add garlic to pan and let it slightly brown. continue to stir with a wooden spoon/spatula to ensure garlic doesn’t burn.

- once garlic is lightly browned, add cherry tomatoes to pan. stir every 3 to 5 minutes. cook until they mush fairly easily with spoon.

- season with a dash of salt and pepper.

- after about 10 minutes of cooking, add white wine. turn heat down to medium.

*if sauce gets too thin, slowly stir in flour to thicken. if sauce is too thick, slowly add more wine.

- add basil to pan and reduce heat to low and place lid on pan. continue to stir periodically for a few minutes.

*Author’s Note: ALWAYS add your pasta TO your sauce, not vice versa. remember in chemistry when you had to add your acid/base to your water, not the other way around? same thing. it’s science.

Molto bene! Bellissima! Feel free to take creative license with your sauce. And send me a picture when you’re done.

xoxo,

Martha Anne

famiglia

simple joys.

“Let my love touch the deepest most hidden corners of your heart and reveal to you your own beauty, a beauty that you have lost sight of but which will become visible to you again in the light of my mercy. Come, come, let me wipe away your tears and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, “I love you, I love you, I love you”. - Henri J. M. Nouwen

“Once your heart has heard the music, it is happy only when it is dancing” - Robert Benson

“You have set my feet in a spacious place” - Psalm 31:8

“Return to your rest my soul, for the Lord has been good to you” - Psalm 116:7

“They will be like a well watered garden, and they will sorrow no more” - Jeremiah 31: 12

“You are my God” - Psalm 31: 14-15

“I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours” - C.S. Lewis

Theses are some quotes and verses I have loved this past month. I hope these truths are inspiring, comforting, and exactly what you need in whatever season you are in!

always,

Berkley

Learning Credence

“I’M NOT ENOUGH UNLESS YOU COME. WILL YOU MEET ME HERE AGAIN?”

-One time God took my hand and led me into a portrait gallery. I saw visions of CS Lewis and the Obamas, MLK and King David, FDR and my parents- their likenesses expressed on thin canvas. I realized walking hand and hand with my Lord it was a hall of my heroes. The people I most looked up to decorated the walls around me. God led me to the end of the hallway under a big arch, and there laid an empty frame- its tag read “Landon Whitley”. I looked up and with tears in my eyes. He said to me “Stop trying to paint your own portrait, thats my job.” -

It’s been a month of waiting. Questions dance in my head about purpose, plight, and permanence. I want to have the reigns. I want to plow my way forward into this next chapter, but I know that I can’t. I was given the gift of the previously described situation in prayer. One that I understood with a heavy heart at first, but slowly slowly realizing what a blessing it is.- I am not in control

I am not in control

I am not in control

and that is SOOOO HYPEEE. SO while February comes to an end, and it’s been a hard one, I look forward to spring and the promise that it holds. God’s in control and everyday I get to work in His will towards a purpose that HE alone supplies. So less go. He is good and faithful. I will trudge forward with the knowledge I just have to obey. Thank you Raleigh Fellows for helping me get to that point.

Here is a piece of my mind that I wrote sometime in the past few weeks.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

February is closing his eyes, again. It’s been a long day, a long road trip, a long gun fight where I didn’t seem to be a winner (all just a little bit more hurt).

His bottom lip is throbbing in the spot he wanted love but got fear of the future instead. He’s listening to sad music and pulling his sheets close.

If I could talk to the moon I would tell it everything I did wrong.

If I could talk to the sun I wouldn't want to, just touch it and pull it close to my chest.

We all froze over just a little bit. We all need a little thaw, a little melt, a little warmth to open our eyes. 

Tomorrow, he thinks, I’ll tattoo every broken part of myself with the word trust. I’ll make sure it’s worth it. I’ll sing praises to You in the morning when I’m tired and wondering if I made a mistake. Even if you tell me I didn’t. Every step forward  is just another drop of rain on a dry field. I’ll sing to you until I don't have my voice anymore. February falls asleep with one palm on his heart, the other reaching toward the sky- so will I.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

LANDON

Stomach Ache

This month was a blur. It was the second hand and not the hour hand. You might think to yourself, “duh, Jack it only has 29 days making it the shortest month.” To that I would say, “you’re so right. I didn’t think about that.” But in reality, I DID think about it and didn’t want to address that to you because, yes, even that seems like conflict to me and guess what: I’m a 9 so here have this run-on sentence and let’s be done with it.

Anyways, yeah that month went fast. The days are getting longer, I’m sleeping less (not a bad thing), I am learning more and more about discipline (see my last post if you haven’t already); here, have another poorly structured sentence (last one I promise)! I finally got my official acceptance letter into graduate school after a scare that it might not be in the cards. I have been enjoying my job more and more. I got to go out to my test plots and do some preliminary testing on my research vines for UGA. Just yesterday, Darby and I applied for an apartment in Athens, GA. Lent is in full swing. Lots to comment on (dang it, I did it again).

RE: grad school scare. I received a call from my professor that he got a job at Penn State and will be moving there next month, therefore there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to attend grad school. Long story short, a professor that I knew well at A&M is now the head of the department at UGA and will be taking me under his wing instead. I like to call this a “last-minute save.” During the time of waiting, Darby and I had two choices: freak out or trust that God is sovereign. I am proud to admit that, while both happened, the latter persisted. God is sovereign and it was truly edifying to each of our faiths to experience that. I am so thankful for my God and my fwife (future wife (Darby (see last post))).

RE: a few preliminary grad school tests. Last week, I was able to go to my test plots in Hendersonville, NC to prune Merlot and Chardonnay vines. My research is on delayed pruning techniques to bring out a delay in bud break of different Vitis vinifera cultivars. Please, ask me about this in person if you so wish to be bored to tears, but damn if it doesn’t truly pump me up. If you know the story of the 1981 Christian athlete's classic film, “Chariots of Fire,” about the Christian Olympic track runner from England named Eric Liddell, then you know that he famously says, “when I run, I feel His pleasure.” (Honestly, this is probably another run-on sentence but for this one, I do not apologize). Well, when I’m in the vineyard pruning vines, I feel His pleasure. It was unexplainable, but I finally understood what Eric Liddell was referring to. I get to go back tomorrow night and Wednesday to finish those pruning trials, and I truly cannot wait.

RE: apartment in Athens, GA. This past weekend, my buddy Josh, my super-extra-special buddy Darby and I stayed the weekend in Athens to find the place that DD and I will live when we get married. And dadgummit we found the perfect place. Despite all of the anxieties, God came through once again. To quote my mother, “God is bringing you down there so He isn’t going to leave you homeless.” We’re once again praising Him for that!

RE: lent. It has come at the perfect time, (a nod once again to God’s sovereignty). This year I am giving up social media. I have likened it to eating an entire 3-lb. bag of Haribo gummy bears. (Now, if you know me, you know that in my humble, yet experienced gummy bear opinion, Haribo remains supreme against those posers such as Trolli or Black Forest). I have been consuming and consuming and consuming the different flavors of social media: Instagram is the green one, Facebook the yellow, Tik-Tok the red, and Twitter the white. I really didn’t look up after eating handful after handful until I noticed that the bag was empty. Lent is a chance for me to detox from fructose and gelatine. I look at the empty bag with a stomach ache. I have the opportunity to break into a new bag but I am choosing not to because frankly, I’ve just had too damn much. It is still early in the season, but this time has been so refreshing. I find that my mind is less cluttered. I have time to sit, time for creativity to sprout and less time for my teeth to rot from my skull. I have more room to hear and to listen, and boy oh boy is that sweeter than any flavor that I waste my health away on. I am so thankful for my God. He just thinks of everything!

Whew, this has been more info than you, Gracious Reader, probably care to know but thank you anyway! Pray for me and Darby as wedding, school, life after Fellows, etc. start to come together!

Reading: The Green Mile by Stephen King, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson, The Body by Stephen King (finished), Pet Sematary by Stephen King

Audiobooking: Needful Things by Stephen King (finished), Scythe by Niel Shusterman

Listening to: And It’s Still Alright by Nathaniel Rateliff, Half Moon Light by The Lone Bellow

-Jack B

Leap day

Another month, another blog. Leap day gives us an additional day to submit on time. Does this mean everyone will have their blog submitted in time? Probably not and that is because we are all humans. We miss the mark time and time again, failing to live up to our expectations, others expectations, and most importantly God’s directions. By the grace of God we are forgiven and free. We need to eliminate our expectations for ourselves and others, then remove ourselves from the daily or hourly courtroom of judgement, because only God’s judgement matters. We can free up so much emotional and physical real estate in our lives by changing this mindset. God has already judged us and given us grace so that we can share that grace with others and be a living example of his grace.

Living life this way is incredibly difficult, especially for myself as an enneagram one. I focus so much on being right and making sure others are right too that the world becomes black and white, right and wrong.

Fellows senioritis is upon us as we only have 2 months left *gasp*! Brad McGinity asked me what my goals are for finishing out the year and staying on track as Fellows is coming to an end. I hadn’t thought about this yet as I am still living day to day and failing to revisit my goals and objectives. I encourage everyone to take some time to think about what they want to accomplish this month, the next 6 months, this year, etc.

Also, don’t tell Ashley it is your birthday if you don’t want to be the center of attention.

- Tim

I’m 2/2 this semester Ashley.

February_AS

There is no better hope made available to us other than hope in Christ. Eric Bolash

When the Bible talks about blessedness it doesn’t mean I had ice cream today and drive a BMW. Eric Bolash

Jesus first comes to a people before a place. You need to change first. Brent Campbell

Politics are Christians outsourcing the Gospel to other people. Brent Campbell

Be careful what you mentally rehearse. Eric Bolash, from his own mentor.

Holy Amnesia- not remembering our shortcomings pushed by guilt, but propelled by the perfect holiness of Christ. (loosely interpreted) Edward Dixon

He has it all in his hands. I couldn’t mess it up even if I wanted to. Nick Greene

Transformation has to do with the way the walls separating us from others and from our deepest self begin to disappear. Jean Vanier

Transformation gives us the audacity to advance along a road of unknowing. Jean Vanier

Free advice coming from me this month. If you like to read, stick a book you can freely pick up and put down in the center console of your car. My fellow fellow, fella Tim, reminded me of such a brilliant idea. Pull it out when you are early to an event. If it is nice out, go on a walk with it shoved in the back of your pants like a pastor, find a bench and read. Do not—I repeat—DO NOT read and drive, you buffoons. 

My center console book that I am rereading during this period is Living Gently in a Violent World, written by the late Jean Vanier (1929-2019) and Stanley Hauerwas. Vanier was initially a French philosopher who, after a divine intervention moment, was responsible for L’Arche communities getting more attention. If you have read much Henri Nouwen, you’d know the significance of L’Arche communities. Nouwen’s life was completely changed with his life engaging with Adam, a disabled member of the L’Arche community (read about it in his book, Adam: God’s Beloved). The L’Arche US website gives this for the description, “We are L’Arche. We are a people with and without intellectual disabilities living, working, praying, and playing together in community.” Vanier established L’Arche in 1964, and reconciliation between peoples has been occurring ever since. With noticeably difficult conditions and treatments of disabled people at the time, there was a need for the faith community to step in somehow. Hauerwas is a theologian currently teaching at Duke University and has to be one of my favorite voices in the world of justice in a theological realm.

Again, you should read the book. I will not get into the bulk of the essays by both, but there is some beauty in how each have found a way to walk faithfully the path set by God for them. Hauerwas, at a talk last fall at Hi-Wire Brewing in Durham, was quoted for saying, “I went to seminary to see if this all was true,” referring to the Christian faith. The skeptics that brought him into theological academia were the same internal pushes from the Holy Spirit that brought Vanier face to face with the broken relationships we have with disabled people. 

Over this past weekend while all of my attention was fixated upon taking the LSAT, a big report was published. On Saturday, Christianity Today put out a report that included an investigation into Jean Vanier due to six women coming out to reveal allegations towards sexual misconduct. Go and read it for the full details. I am not going to give a cliche about how all good things come to an end, because this wrecked me pretty substantially. The only other time I had felt somehow betrayed by someone of high regard was when Evan Stephens Hall (singer/guitarist for Pinegrove) was reported to have sexual coercion allegations against him. Both of these figures were doing something incredible for the Kingdom (whether they were totally cognisant of it or not). Evan preached on stage, giving voice and empowerment to areas and people who had none. He also makes incredible music. As a follower of both, this felt like a personal attack on me. My reaction probably constituted a public personal response, but in a sobering effort I sought God instead. 

How do we respond when our heroes are just as vulnerable as us? They had it figured out, and God you still couldn’t save them from themselves? Save the victims from them? How could so much wisdom and goodness be gifted, only to be forgotten in detrimental ways? Establishing a worldview in which these voices are loudest can lead us to demise if too much weight and faith is in human exemplars of Christ.

A consistent theme in my life, and I imagine one in the lives of most religious people, is that of what to do when we fall? JD Greear wrote a book, Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to Know for Sure You Are Saved, which was more a push against a pious false narrative that when we sin we must repent, re-ask Jesus back into our heart, promising never to do it again, only to fall a month later. This is an exhausting episode of life if we continue to strive so hard for so long, and let ourselves down.

I think of Church of the Apostles (where we Fellows are stationed for the year) and the sermon series in which we are in going through Hebrews. I am going to word vomit the past two months of sermons now. Throughout we are learning of sentiments that position us not to neglect our need for God’s redeeming grace, to know that Jesus took a position lower than angels to accomplish our salvation, that he came lower to know fully our suffering so he could step in with us. The good stuff comes in chapters seven and eight, when we learn that we have a great high priest sitting at the right hand of majesty in Heaven, and that great high priest is the greatest hope we can hold onto. Hebrews 10:14 says, “For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy,” (NIV). He, being Jesus, and those being made holy being us. 

Last night, our church put on a pretty remarkable Ash Wednesday service, complete with dimmed lights, periods of kept silence, ASH, and a great homily from one of our professors. I didn’t know what to do about the service, it all felt gloomy (intentional) and somewhat ambiguous. But low and behold, on my drive home my brilliant host brother, Perk, revealed to me what his takeaway was. One of the prayers we prayed had instruction to hate the sins that God has already forgiven us for, through Christ’s death. There is a turn here, call to repentance if you might. This lent season seems to be defined by prayer and fasting, ultimately to be more in tune with God and establishing a deeper understanding of Christ’s sacrifice. Both of the practices seem to be disciplines for eradicating the barriers we put up in our life in between Christ and ourselves—sin. 

Now that we are back on the subject with a few scriptural pieces and a service to back me up, I am going to shed light on one of the more profound pieces that has helped me reconcile my heart to Jesus in light of the sin I have experienced. I look to John Steinbeck and his book East of Eden. To even attempt to pull out a small section from this masterpiece may be considered sinful, for which I repent and won’t publicly do again. 

~At this point I became fully aware of the fact that this is 2 ½ Google doc pages long, so I am not even going to give you, the people, what you want. Go read East of Eden yourselves. I am so sorry.~ 

In all honesty, I dream of the day where I can see Jesus face to face, and finally know that there was someone who conquered sin. I will continue to follow people whose voices are pushing me towards the kingdom, knowing fully that, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23, NIV). We have to hold that in contention with what we are told in Hebrews as well, that despite it, we have a high priest who is not only approachable and willing to take our sin, but loves us in a way we cannot comprehend. Learn to hate the sin and not the sinner when it comes to our heroes. Will Campbell, a Southern Baptist preacher making noise in the civil rights era, was once asked how he can love the oppressed black community and still minister to KKK members. Campbell responded with, “Well, I guess it’s because I am a goddamned Christian.” Again, to quote my soul-friend Will Campbell summing up the Gospel, “We are all bastards, but God loves us anyways.” 

Obviously I hope you read this and are pushed somehow to systematically rid of sin in your life, seek God and forgiveness within it, the power to continue further, all that jazz. But if you haven’t already noticed I like to pull from people who speak freer than me in books, poetry, articles, etc. Had it not been for the authors in my life, I wouldn’t understand Christ as I do now: regardless of the author believes in and preaches a Christian God. All I am saying is pick up more books. Get a Good Reads account online to track, get recommendations, and see how far you have come. Friend Jack and I, he loves Stephen King and I shoot myself in the foot for reading six books at once. Call me self-rigtheous, but call me. 

Thanks,

Austin

The Costs of Control

Hi everyone -

Y’all know what FOMO is right?  

The fear of missing out. 

Here are my cute as heck fellow fellows hanging out at waffle house on a snowy Friday morning. 

TELL me this isn’t literally adorable.

Guess what - I willingly chose not to come.  Not because I had anything else to do, but because I was tired and I wanted a morning in my home, making breakfast, on my own agenda. 

So that’s what control can cost you. Fellowship.  Among a host of other things.

I think I’ve quickly learned that I rationalize my fear of missing out by inducing my own choice.  I can’t fear missing out if I’ve actively chosen to miss out.  And why do I choose to miss out?

To assert my own power. 

To feel as if I have control. 

To do what I want to do when I want to do it without consideration of others. 

And let me be the first to tell you how much of a damn privilege that is. It’s a privilege to be able to 1) have control be my coping mechanism and 2) to actually execute it. 

---

Control has served me well.  It’s protected me.  It’s fought for me.  It’s fought for others. 

But it’s also crippling me.  Because the truth is, the result of my daily trials and triumphs are not from a world spinning in chaos, but from the reign of the everlasting God who is in complete and careful control.  God is ruling the earth with me in mind.  He is ruling the earth FOR me, so that I can focus on our relationship together.

Part of me wishes giving up control was as simple as typing these words.  The rest of me knows that I would crumble to pieces if this coping strategy was stripped from my hard drive in a matter of seconds. 

So instead, it looks like gently moving the needle closer to God having complete control.  Recognizing where I’d like to control myself or others, recognizing what that’s costing me or those around me, not shaming myself for adapting this mechanism of self-protection as a young child in the turmoils of the world, and seeking the prayer and wisdom of others walking alongside me.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know “thus saith the Lord!”

Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus Hymn

I’m looking forward to the sweetness that is to come with trusting in Jesus.  May lent be a small demonstration of a lifetime to come of trusting in the Lord’s provision and steadfastness and deliverance. Amen.

xoxo,

Martha Anne

Laughing my way towards becoming whole

"O persistent God, deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle. Pressure me that I may grow more human, not through the lessening of my struggles, but through the expansion of them.... deepen my hurt until I learn to share it and myself openly, and my needs honestly. Sharpen my fears until I name them and release the power I have locked in them and they in me. Accentuate my confusion until I shed those grandiose expectations that divert me from the small, glad gifts of the now and the here and the me. Expose my shame where it shivers, crouched behind the curtains of propriety until I can laugh at last through my common frailties and failures, laugh my way toward becoming whole" -Ted Loder

At the beginning of Fellows Ashley made us read a poem and consider the idea of becoming undone. The Lord undoing our lives that we believe we have made progress in to show us that real progress is when he comes into the picture to take it down and reminds us it’s not about what we are building. 

Well so much of me feels like I am back here again... I do not want to be here or admit I am here, I am standing in piles of broken pieces trying to gather them and hold them together. It doesn’t all fit in my arms, pieces are falling, pieces I really care about and I can’t reach down and grab them because then more will fall.  I am pulled in two different directions one is to sit here and piece it back together. The other part of me looks at it all and wants to give up.

God time and time again wants to reshape and rearrange a lot of what is happening on the inside. This unearths fears and places where we grasp for control in our lives. What a blessing though… he stops our selfish lives and turns us around saying do you see what you have been holding onto and creating for "safety".

Here is where I feel the layers of surrender. 

In Luke 7, we read about an intimate, holy encounter one courageous, young woman had with Jesus. Not only was she brave enough to walk into a home full of men by herself, but she also humbled herself at the feet of the King. She literally gave everything she had. She broke the jar of perfume that would’ve taken a year or more to save up for and poured it all over Jesus’ head and feet. She kissed his feet, wiping them with her hair. 

Here I am again praying that I learn what it looks like to give my alabaster heart to the Lord daily. I give up the pieces I have created and wanted control over and I give him my heart because he is doing transformative work there that I can't control. So here is all my heart, all my soul, all I own, you can have it all. May I continue on this lifelong journey laughing and smiling with the Lord offering up my broken heart.

krista b

Bink's Declassified Fellows Survival Guide

Welcome to Bink's Declassified Fellows Survival Guide. This post contains 7 things you’d ever want to know (or NEVER want to know) about Ashley Crutchfield and her wacky fellows program.

Tip #1: Never…and I mean NEVER talk badly about Ashley’s dog Chip, no matter how many times it bites you.

Tip #2: Always give her a hug when you first see her.

Tip #3: Never book a flight for a trip without running it by her first. (For more info, talk to Berkley).

Tip #4: When approaching a conversation with Ashley, make sure you block out at least 15 minutes and be prepared for some thought-provoking questions.

Tip #5: Just say yes. Don’t think twice about it. If Ashley asks you to do something, do it. It’ll be worth it in the long run.

Tip #6: If you’re on a retreat and you feel like you need some space every once in a while. Ask Ashley to take her van for a little drive. You’d be surprised at what 20 minutes of driving around the middle of nowhere can do for your brain.

Tip #7: DO NOT wait until the last minute to submit your blog post!!!

Peace n Blessings,

Alex Behnke