January_AS

My life was not worth the truth. Ray Hinton

We are bodies of broken bones. Thomas Merton

The kingdom is not the community of believers, that is the church, it is the renewal of the entire world by the King through his people.  Paige Benton Brown

Resentment for what we do not have is the number one reason we do not use what we do have. Paige Benton Brown

And one who understands the nature of tragedy cannot take sides. Will Campbell

Rarely when we endeavor to rule over trail does our body finish before our mind.

One of the more intensive realizations that has come to fruition this past month has been how God has come through in all of the things that I have myself wrapped up in. Particularly in the movements throughout the day. Some call it the dance (oh how much do they love calling it that, but what if you can’t dance? Just a thought). Some call it the rhythm. Whatever it is, just act like a monk: work, pray, eat, pray, read, pray, sleep… pray. The prayer throughout the day creates a sustained posture of gratitude and nearness with the Lord. One time in particular has been influential in all my days. I don’t necessarily cherish the time, but golee something has been occurring in my mornings with God and I have painfully sewed it to my being. I have looked to the Psalms in the morning to see and hope for God to be with me throughout the day (as if that wasn’t the case despite my efforts). I have often struggled with the Psalms, to the point in which I needed to find a book by Thomas Merton called Praying the Psalms. If you haven’t picked up on it already, I am slow to allow my heart to know the Lord, which is a problem given our greatest command from Jesus calling on Deuteronomy in Mark 12 to, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength,” (vv. 30, NIV). Mind and strength are pretty much a given at this point, I don’t need to explain my credentials or speak to my testimony, but just trust me that holding fast to the Lord is something that has gripped me for a long time. To love something with my heart and soul is, well, it seems unsubstantial.

Contemporary Christian culture has really emphasized on these things, which I don’t think is all that bad, as long as they are in balance with the other two concepts in the command. This can be said about myself. Hiding behind rhetoric, words, and discipline. Truly, it feels like a high school clique that I am not able to fight myself into; the “heart and soul” clique that is. Man if I could just be in that crowd, then I’d know, then it would make sense. My judgmental self (Lord remove me from the thrown) consistently sees the heart and soul as things manipulated and fickle, eventually leading me to ask how I could begin to know something in my heart or soul? 

My mind tells me that 2+2=4.

My body tells me that fire is hot.

What does my heart tell me? Feelings? Don’t those come and go? What does my soul confirm? A calling or vocation? How can I know?

St. Augustine (that is pronounced “say-int August-in” by the way, kind of like the ending of my name, you fools) has a repeated quote that goes like, “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.” That is what my heart tells me. That when I am not resting or seeking God somehow, I suffer. Little by little, maybe, but a little can go a long way. And I can attest to this, it is true, because I have lived in accordance to that longing and God has blessed the time. As for the soul, beats me. Seriously, send some soul definitions or an expert on the soul. Part of my hope is further learning a little something from the Psalms in both of these arenas. Thomas Merton says, “For God has willed to make Himself known to us in the mystery of the Psalms,” (p. 8 if you care). This resonates with my whole relationship with God. It is absurd how many questions, how much skepticism, and wonder I have when it comes to God. Somehow this mystical God loves us, and I can trust that, because when my heart is resting in God my burden is light and it is easier to believe the grand story of the Bible. God loves Son, Son loves us, and Son believed God and what was done, so it seems like a good place to start.

I’ll end with a potentially overused illustration. The other evening, I had dinner with a friend of a friend’s, and as we were walking back he stopped me. “

Do you know the word for sin in Greek?” 

Little did my new friend know, I studied Koine Greek, which allowed me to flex the whole, “Hamartia, another translation may be to miss the mark.” Which this may be a conversation for another time, but my Greek lexicon had never showed me that as a possibility. For the sake of entertaining my friend, and any talk regarding this line of reasoning, we went on. 

“That’s right,” he said as he began to pull back an imaginary bow, “Say, if I were even a centimeter off from this distance, do you think I could hit that target?” One eye closed, gritting his teeth, he was referring to a sign across the street that resembled a target.

“Well, at this distance, I imagine you wouldn’t hit it at all,” I said. 

“Again, correct.” 

He didn’t say anything but went across the street and as I followed, walked straight up to the sign which was about chest height. With his imaginary bow, his left fist “holding” the bow practically touching the sign, he said “Now? What do you think? Am I walking home with a kill?” 

He need no response. We both knew. This week in my mornings, I have been in Psalm 73, in which the author anguishes over the lives of others, and how they walk around taking and grabbing and accumulating much. But it is the wrong stuff and it moves them from God and the good that comes with God. Becoming their own gods. Towards the end, the voice is satisfied with knowing God and not following the others, and eventually states, “But as for me, it is good to be near God,” (vv. 28). To be near God, what a necessity! Say I am a ways from God in one way or another. Even a small act could turn out to be so far from God. If sin really is missing the mark, then why in the world do I continue to choose distance from the Good Lord? Walking faithfully does not mean walking from a distance. It is personal. Side by side, sometimes face to face, with God. It is clearer to discern what God’s will is, it is easier to hear and receive the truths spoken, and compassion is warmer than ever near the Lord. Pull close friends, and hold fast. God wishes a flourishing life to be one of close proximity. 

Thanks,

Austin Spence

Reflect

Life continuously moves forward. Time doesn’t pause. During childhood we are ingrained with numerous different beliefs and ways of life and we rarely challenge them. Society surrounds with the idea that busyness=good/success and if we aren’t busy then we are doing something wrong. Just talk to a high school or college student and they will likely talk about how busy they are. If we are busy 24/7 and fail to take time to think about what we have done and what has happened to us we miss out on the necessary time to process, learn, grieve, celebrate, grow, change, praise, and thank God.

So you probably already knew this and at a shallow level I would’ve said I knew this too. However, how often do we make this a regular part of our routine? I wanted to start this post talking about reflection for the sake of accountability. By May I want this to be a part of my daily routine. I operate alongside the ready-fire-aim group and I can’t wait for to take the next shot.

January held some pretty incredible experiences, headlined by the career calling and vocation retreat led by Bill Fullilove. During this retreat we learned about our natural gifts, core motivations, and emotional intelligence (EQi). Each fellow had 1-on-1 time with Bill to discuss their results, potential career paths, and how to work on improving our emotional intelligence. After this incredible experience I had the opportunity to go on a company retreat to Palm Springs, CA. The company I work at, 15Five, is focused on helping equip people to “become their best self” which is an incredible mission. While the company mission lacks the faith aspect, it hits some of the other components of living in the world as a Christian. This trip was very fun, but I was ready to get back to my routine and begin to apply what I had learned the week prior under Bill’s teaching and be with all the fellows. I have gotten to meet with my mentor and discuss the test results to game plan practical steps I can take to improve my emotional intelligence. Since settling into my routine, influenced by the Rule of Life created on the first retreat, I have been pursuing what is next career-wise whether it is at 15Five or somewhere else (consulting???). I am excited for the new classes this semester on New Testament, World View, and Inductive Bible Study. We just had a one day seminar on resilience which highlighted a lot of positive habits for us to be healthy people and become increasingly resilient as we will inevitably face trials and challenges in life.

That is all for now. Keeping a commitment to Ashley this semester on timely blog posts. Currently 1/1

-Tim

Tears .

Over this past month I have been very teary. . .

It seems as though sadness and heaviness have characterized a great deal of my emotions lately. This sounds really hard, but honestly it has been somewhat freeing. It has given me the space to be raw and find healing and hope in the midst of a challenging and overwhelming season.

I am currently walking through a book called: Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard (I am sorry to say it is taking me much longer than I anticipated to finish this 130 page book) and I have yet to read a page without tears beginning to well in my eyes or a knot forming in my throat. The story is about a girl named “Much-Afraid” who lives in the Valley of Humiliation, but finds the courage to begin following the Chief Shepard up to the High Place. It is a slow and steady walk - one that looks daunting and even like it is going in the wrong direction. But Much Afraid is slowly learning to trust the shepherd and know his promises are true
. . . I still have a great deal of the book left to go, but I love it.

I really recommend reading it. . . .

. . . I don’t think i’m great at blog posts. I really do get frustrated thinking about “what I SHOULD write about” or “what is GOOD to write" about”. I know there is no formula, but I feel like my thoughts are always scattered so I don’t know what to write about.. I am sure part of the melancholy season I am finding myself in right now has much to do with feeling overwhelmed by the next steps to come, but even the weight of life that is happening currently. I know these sentences and feelings are not original. I am aware I am not alone in feeling them. . . they’re just part of life. sad. hard. weary. . . funny how our world knows these things come and yet the remedies offered are so unfulfilling and even more exhausting. . .

How sweet is the Lord to offer us R E S T and a place to come before him in weariness.

I am grateful that as many tears as I have cried in my life, the Lord has wept oh so many more for me. That is humbling. It makes me truly remember how DEEPLY the Lord cares for his children and knows what the weight of this world is like.

Thank you Lord for loving us perfectly. I am grateful.

-Berkley

The Line

You stand in line. You rock gently back and forth to the beat of your own music. A person walks up to you and tells you to stop moving. You stare in confusion as they walk away. Why are they allowed to move and you aren’t?

You stand in line. Sunglasses protecting your eyes from the harsh florescent lights blaring above. A new person comes up to you, and demands you remove the sunglasses. They then walk outside, placing the sunglasses over their eyes. “It’s because it’s bright out.” they explain. You explain that it’s bright inside as well. They cannot hear you, you are in a bubble. No one can hear you.

You stand in line. A third person walks up to you, yelling at you to get out of line. You begin to move away, frustrated by their own arrogance and anger, but they suddenly change their demeanor. “It was just a joke, don’t be so literal!” they laugh. You stare, unsure why they think yelling and downtrodding is funny. You stand in line. Seconds, minutes, hours, pass by. You check your watch - it’s been 2 minutes. Another few hours pass by - it’s been 4 minutes.

You stand in line. You want to sit down, but are yelled at for resting. “No one else is tired, you’re not tired either!” you are told. You tell them you are indeed tired. They cannot hear you, you are in a bubble.

You stand in line. You suddenly become aware that you have no idea why you’re in line or what it’s for. You’ve been there so long you’ve forgotten why. Or did you never know to begin with?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

I wrote this in a moment of doubt. Its nothing but an expression of a deep-seated feeling found in the dark confines of your gut. Questions of “Is this worth it?” “Am I doing whats right?” “When will this period end?” “Is He faithful to show me the fruit of my efforts” “Is it selfish to want Him to show me fruit?” “What are my intentions?” etc etc etc ——All thoughts and feelings produced by an unbound faith in Him.

Today I am thankful that He is faithful, and that he shows this faithfulness when I need to see it. Not only that, but he displays his faithfulness in explicit concrete ways where his wayward son (me) can see and be reminded of it.

“He will Surely Do IT!”- 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Best,

Landon

Es geit mir gut

I’m learning a lot. If the Fellows program is about anything, I think it’s that. I am coming to understand what discipline is and why it’s so important. I look at disciplined people with even more reverence than before. People such as my fwife (stands for future wife (that’s Darby)) or some of my closest friends that I lived with in college. Something as small as making your bed every day or actually getting up when your alarm goes off really goes a long way. A couple of months ago I found a neat app (Pimsleur) that teaches you virtually any language by means of repetition of the most used words and phrases and their contexts. This year I’ve tasked myself with learning German. So guten tag, friend! Danke for reading this blog post. Yets, ich verstere kine Deutch abba spater ich spreche vela Deutch! (Hopefully)! I guess the downside to this means of learning gives me an inadequate german spelling skill but oh well. Anyways, I play this app for 30 minutes a day on my drive to work instead of plugging in an album or audiobook. For me, this has been an act of discipline. I am using my time wisely, learning a new skill that I enjoy rather than listening to the same songs on repeat (lol). I’ve seen this translate into other sections of my life as well. I’ve taken up running. I feel more confident in my abilities at work. I have significantly more time with Jesus in the morning. Truly I equate all this to my new found disciplines. Pretty cool I guess this stuff really does work. Whodathunk?

Bis morgen,

Jack

P.S.

Currently reading: The Green Mile by Stephen King, The Drama of Scripture by Bartholomew and Gohmeen, The Universe Next Door by James W. Sire, The book of Job by Job (maybe?)

Audiobooking: Misery by Stephen King, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

Listening to: boygenius by Phoebe Bridgers/ Julien Baker/ Lucy Dacus, Yola, Pinegrove, and eagerly anticipating the next album from The Lone Bellow

Watching: The Outsider, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Down Pour

It’s been a while.

I would like to formally apologize to Ashley Crutchfield for being the most inconsistent about my blog posts. It’s not that hard, I’m just truly the most forgetful person I know. PLZ FORGIVE ME.

A NEW YEAR. Which also means halfway through Fellows... mer mer.

Coming back from our Career, Calling and Vocation Retreat brought an entirely fresh wave of thankfulness and gratitude. How the heck did I end up here and how in the world am I ever going to not think back and remember this year as one of the best of my whole life? God has been so gracious to bless this entire process of “becoming” - even in the midst of being undone.

Back in September, I thought God had good things in store for this year. Almost like a little bucket of blessings He was planning on just sprinkling around. 

No, that’s not how it happened. It feels like He picked up the bucket and physically dumped it all out. A down pour.

I was hesitant to come back to my job after this week with Bill dreaming about the future and all the possibilities it holds. Yet, coming back to Grubb was like coming home. I love what I do and I LOVE who I get to do it with.

My host-family, parents and kids, bring me so much joy. Hannah, the middle-child 6th grader, makes sharing a jack-and-Jill bathroom more fun than I ever thought possible and sings more than I ever knew anyone could. My host-mom is teaching me the power of prayer, which is one of my words for the new year along with my life.

My mentor is a gem. Sweet Meg is the most intentional woman and listens so well. Not the kind of listening to respond, but listening to understand. She asks me hard/good questions and is teaching me the importance of pausing.

I’m extremely hopeful for class this semester as well, since it will be very difficult to top the last. We are now moving into New Testament, learning Inductive Bible Study and World View with Family Systems Theory and Spiritual Formation carrying over as our year-long classes. 

The COMMUNITY. These people are the best friends in the world and I’ll never stop being thankful for getting to walk through this journey with these incredible ten Fellows hand-picked by the Lord. We’re at the stage where we’re comfortable in the silence and don’t feel pressure to simply fill the space. Just enjoying their presence is all I need most days. The generosity of the community at Apostles continues to astound me with how they steward their resources (mostly food, yay) and open up their homes to us.

I’m so thankful and so hopeful for the coming months:

To grow in awareness of myself and my actions while actively pursuing what God has for me in the world.

To explore what it looks like to intentionally pause more and make prayer more of a priority.

To see His plan unfold and boldly step into whatever He has for me after these last five months.

To know that the same God who made me feel so loved this year is the same God who has promised to be with me in every step of every year to come.

xoxo

Adelaide

in the mundane

Well. Here we are.

I am now halfway through the Raleigh Fellows Program and can hardly fathom it. It overwhelms me to even think of summarizing these past few months (since i’ve missed a few blogs I’M SORRY ASH) into a single blog post. I could never do it justice.

Instead, I am going to give a small recap of these past few weeks. Coming into the second half, I was feeling a little unsettled. After two weeks home in Alabama for the holidays, I wasn’t sure how I felt about leaving quite yet. I was most definitely missing my Raleigh peeps, but also felt anxious about leaving my family and the comforts of home. For the first time since I moved in September, I once again pulled out of my hometown driveway with a packed car and tears in my eyes. I spent the first half of my eight hour drive wrestling with the doubts and anxieties I had about leaving home.

That all changed when I picked up sweet Adelaide (aka SWAG) in Greenville, SC. Because of some car difficulties, she needed a ride back to Raleigh and I was passing right through. During those next four hours together, the Lord began to cover me with a peace that comes only from Him. He used that car ride with swag to calm my fears and remind me of the sweet friendships that he had blessed me with through this program. He reminded me that He was bringing me back for a purpose- and that there was joy ahead.

The next day we packed up and our fellows class drove to Virginia for our mid year retreat. I can’t even fully explain why I adored this week so much. I think it was just experiencing joy in the mundane moments together. It was in the moments of waking up to the sunrise on the bay to spend time with the Lord. It was in the moments of worship in the morning with slippers on our feet and coffee in our hands. Or laughing on the dock in the freezing weather while wrapped in blankets. It was in the moments of just sitting in the living room while working on our laptops- not even talking, but just being together. It was going on spontaneous runs with the girls. Or the moments of dancing around the kitchen while cooking and playing music. It was watching the bachelor together and eating out of tubs of ice cream. Or staying up late talking with face-masks on. It was just sitting around the table and eating meals together.

I loved every moment. Because these are my people. And it doesn’t matter what we do- I’m just overjoyed that I get to do it with them. Especially in the mundane.

Until next time,

Emme Slaton

~h o p e~

I feel like I have been going full speed and I don’t want to take my foot off the gas pedal because, if I slow down, I will see things about myself I don’t want to.

I have been very contemplative since the end of the year and our first semester as Raleigh Fellows. There have been conversations, assessments, and incidents, along with many other things that have caused me to look inward. I can’t say it has been easy because it has revealed to me things in my life that I need to work on and change.

Upon this realization, I felt a wave of defeat. I have so many broken areas in my life that need to be mended but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to do so.

So, I floor it. I go faster and faster. One impulsive thing after the other, to find only temporary fulfillment. Eventually, I crash into a ditch where it is dark and lonely. I’m in pain and the only way to distract myself from the pain is to pull my broken self out of the ditch and start going full speed again despite my dysfunction.

It’s pretty obvious I need some healing and restoration that can only happen if I slow down. I have found that spending time in solitude with the Lord is essential. I knew this before but never put it into practice because I never slowed down enough to make the space for solitude.

My sweet sweet friend gave me a journal for Christmas and wrote this poem in the front of it:

“ May you recognize in your life

the presence, power, and light

of your soul.

May you realize that you are never alone,

that your soul in its brightness and belonging

connects you intimately

with the rhythm of the universe.

May you have respect

for your individuality and difference.

May you realize

that the shape of your soul is unique.

May you learn to see yourself

with the same delight, pride, and expectation

with which God sees you

in every moment. “

(FOR SOLITUDE//To Bless The Space Between Us)

I didn’t know it but these were some words that my soul was desperate to hear. And OH MY, the Lord is GOOD. The Lord was so purposeful in where He placed me. He surrounded me with with some of the sweetest friends and mentors that continually speak truth into my life, no matter what. I find HOPE in their words, the words that the Lord, so purposefully, gave to them. Every little part of this fellows year has given me a glimpse of the HOPE that was gifted to us when Jesus died on the cross us.

peace + love

ANNA

THE FELLOWS AT ANGUS BARN

AMY + YUMI

WE LOVE THE 818 GIRLS

Hope in the Healing

Hi blog!

Today is the end of our first full week back in Raleigh and MAN am I glad to be back. This place is home and it felt really sweet to be welcomed back with open arms. I’ve spoken enough about my winter break and our mid-year retreat to last a lifetime, so I want to focus on something else that’s been on my heart recently.

“When Jesus came into Peter’s house, he saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever. He touched her hand and the fever left her, and she got up and began to wait on him.”

Matthew 8:14-15

This short account appears in three of the gospel narratives. After Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount, people came toward him asking to be healed or for their loved ones to be healed. In one account, Jesus heals without it being requested of him, while in the other two the disciples tell him of the illness Peter’s mother-in-law has and ask for healing.

The narrative in Matthew reminded me of the scripture in Luke where Christ raised a widow’s son. Various translations say “his heart went out to her” or “he had compassion on her.” And I love how Rembrandt depicted it — Jesus touched her. When Jesus saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying sick in bed, his instinct was to reach out his hand to her. No thoughts about if he would get sick, no thoughts about if he should, no thoughts about if it was right to do. He was compelled by love to reach out his hand and heal her.

Christ healing Peter’s Mother-in-Law by Rembrandt

I’m in much of the same season I was in last semester (can I even call them that when I’m not in college? do adults just reference time according to weather seasons? share thoughts in the comments below) of tending to a slow and difficult process of growth. It’s a healing process I’ve willingly and somewhat not willingly stepped into. I’ve often been frustrated at myself in this current stage because I’m not able to feel my emotions at my normal level of depth. Anger and pride come quickly, while joy and sorrow do not.

But the purpose of healing is what? In my mind, it’s to allow our minds space to focus on things of greater importance. When you’re not sick, you mind drifts away from your body and to those around you, to the sunshine, to the wind, to Christ. When you’re not sick you can serve with your whole heart and mind and body. I’m sure that’s not the full purpose of Christ’s healing, but we’ll leave it at that for now.

What about before you’re completely healed? What about when Peter’s mother-in-law was lying sick in bed, knowing she should be caring for her children or knowing she might die? I can’t imagine how desperately she wanted to be well.

Beloved… do not feel ashamed of your emptiness. Instead, see that it is the perfect preparation in providing a home for something Holy.

Scott Erickson, inspired by Jesus Calling

I can’t speak for Peter’s mother-in-law, but I’ve absolutely been ashamed of my emptiness, my lack, my heart as it sits in the middle of healing rather than being at the end. I’ve been mad at myself and mad at God for having this season be so long. I’m ready to be fully HEALED.

And then I see this picture. And I hear these words.

Martha Anne, don’t feel ashamed of your anger, your emptiness, your slow growth. I know when you’ll be fulled healed. And only with and through me can you be fully healed. I’m preparing you for something Holy. I’m preparing you for the ability to get up and serve me, wait on me, minister to me.

There is hope. There is hope in the slow and toilsome healing that this is all preparation for more. I may not know what the rest of this healing process will look like, but I can hope in the potential that this will end and Christ will have the victory. I can only hope that at the end of this, I will have the strength and joy to love and serve the Lord as Peter’s mother-in-law did right after she was healed.

I hope you spend some time looking at the image above and noting what comes to mind for you. Do you picture Christ as reaching his hand out to you? Do you believe that Christ served us in death so that we may serve him with our lives? Do you see and hear the ways that God is asking you to be a home for something Holy? And that Holiness being Himself?

xoxo

Martha Anne

3 Bible verses challenge

What a year it has been! I was asked a “table question” at dinner during a work outing. The question is “What day in the past year would you relive and why?” Most years this question would have been pretty easy, but this past year has been a different case. In the past year, I have served alongside 10 other Clemson students serving in a leadership capacity for the ministry that brought me back to Christ (FCA). This included the highs of seeing God work to leading a team on a mission trip to Philadelphia and laughing endlessly while serving others. Then I graduated college from the greatest university, Clemson (Go Tigers!). Two days later I was on a plane with my family to Japan to visit my brother whom I hadn’t seen in over a year and my first time outside of North America. I got to spend the summer in Raleigh living with my best friend, Nate, and acclimating to the city I hope to spend the next years of my life. Fellows started with an unforgettable retreat at Lake Gaston as I gained a glimpse into the vast depth of the hearts of 11 strangers (yeah Ashley is definitely included in this) and how they care so deeply to know God and love others. I got to stand beside Nate’s side as he married Zoe. Each day with the fellows has been just as noteworthy as the aforementioned events from cooking for roundtable with Berkley to classes with Benji, Jason, Jon, etc. to nights with the boys and all the spontaneous hangouts. Ultimately, this question helped me appreciate everything good in my life despite the lies and insecurities in my head. There is a benefit to reflecting on the past especially in my position to remember the good times God has blessed me with and not get caught up in the day to day snares and sins of life. This reminds me of the book of Judges as Israel failed to pass on the stories of the blessings God had given them and they returned to sin time and time again.

I have started meeting with Chris Byron from Apostles. Ever since I interviewed with him I wanted to be his friend and learn from him. Before Thanksgiving he challenged me with coming up with 3 Bible verses which have impacted me during Fellows. The first story which stuck out to me came from a sermon I heard a couple weeks before Fellows started but it really started to work in my heart throughout Fellows. This was the story of Mary and Martha which I had heard a dozen times before, but I always had been taught and understood Martha as doing the wrong thing. What I have learned is not that Martha was doing the wrong thing by her actions but in her heart. Martha’s means of hospitality and service align with how I serve others best. Martha’s heart was the problem in this story as she was upset with her sister Mary for not helping her prepare food, but instead Mary was sitting under Jesus’s teaching and making Jesus and his disciples feel welcome by just being with them. I can grow and learn to be more like Mary, but I was created more like Martha. I experienced this situation while serving with FCA, but the lesson I was being taught didn’t come to my realization until I heard the sermon in August about Mary and Martha.

These two stories from Judges and of Mary & Martha have taught me two great lessons I hope to put into practice and pursue. This blog helps me with the first one even when I fail to type one up for November (sorry Ash). I’m still figuring out what the third Bible verse/lesson is to fulfill his challenge, but at the moment I am just being patient and trying to eliminate setting expectations, but instead asking God what he has in store for me because God is not disappointed in us because he does not set expectations for us. He accepts us as we are and welcomes us time and time again.

So as I wait to figure out the 3rd Bible verse or relate the expectation setting to a story in the Bible I will finish reading “Abba’s Child” and continue to learn who God wants me to be as my true self and not some worldly expectation I have for myself. I am continuously amazed and astonished by what I am learning in this program and if I don’t have enough material to write a blog for January then I am just not reminiscing enough because this next month is going to be so full I will not have time to breath.

- Tim

Fun year right?

Well yeah it was. I am going to skip out on the year wrap up because I feel like my last couple posts have been that. I’d like to share with y’all something that I have recently learned. It feels so easy, and, in theory, it’s relatively simple, but it is something that I have gone practically my whole Christian life without.

We have been tasked with reading a book called “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning. Aside from the Holy Bible itself, (and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis) I believe it is the most essential book to living a life dedicated to Christ. ‘The cry of the heart for intimate belonging’ is the subtitle and the rest of the book does nothing but echo that. Chapters range from ‘Come Out of Hiding’ to ‘Present Risenness’ to ‘The Rabbi’s Heartbreak.’ Chapter 3 is called ‘The Beloved’ and its truth is one that I have been overlooking and evading for as long as I can remember. Straight and to the point, the idea is this: “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”

Sheesh.

I have been believing the opposite deep, deep down for so long. How is it so? How have I forgotten my Father’s thoughts and feelings about me? Day by day it seems as though nothing changes, but as you look back on months and years, everything seems different. I am haphazardly quoting Lewis but the sentiment stands. How is it that the weak enemy’s voice can trump the truths of the Hero? It is because I have not been myself. Manning calls this the Imposter self, and it is the being that has inhabited me. Abba’s Child has rearranged my mirror-view. I am Beloved by God and, as Mike Yaconelli puts it: “for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.”

I am beloved by God, and for some strange reason that seems to be enough.

Stay tuned for how things are different following this refreshed information, but I’m really excited to say the least.

-Jack Bobo 12/31/19

December_AS

Anxiety may be the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard 

Forever is composed of the Nows. Emily Dickinson

To be liked by everyone you would have to be the blandest person ever. Matt Haig

Life isn’t about what you are doing, but about what you are being. Matt Haig

Reading isn’t important because it helps you get a job. It’s important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you’re given. It’s how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape. Matt Haig

The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates

Of what value is learning that does not turn to love? Anthony of Padua

The artist is not one who creates beauty, but the one who looks for it. Brennan Manning

I have been reading a lot lately, occasionally writing, even wrote a huge piece on my thoughts regarding the author of the poem below and his impact on me. Yet the added words feel fleeting and unnecessary. It’s sad really.

Because once someone dared

to want you,

I know that we, too, may want you.

When gold is in the mountain

and we’ve ravaged the depths

till we’ve given up digging,

it will be brought forth into day

by the river that mines

the silences of stone.

Even when we don’t desire it,

God is ripening. 

I, 16 from The Book of a Monastic Life by Rainer Maria Rilke

Similarly to the speaker in this piece, I don’t always want what God has to offer me. In fact I try my hardest not to be a recipient of what God has to offer. I’m fixated upon what I can do in the world, and it tends to end in vain. I get this overwhelming sense that God constantly is just waiting for me to lean on my pickaxe, bloodied and blistered hands, dust lining my lungs, and give up digging. I am still a child, and God sees these things and probably smiles (hopefully), perfectly willing to step in whenever I feel the weight of myself trying to press on here. In attempt to sum up his work in a few words, Karl Barth said, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Next time you hear that jingle, remember one of the greatest theologians has copyright. In all seriousness, I hope to attach this to my being everyday, in hopes that I am compelled to live out of this and only this.

Peace,

Austin Spence

Airport, Interview, Podcast, Christmas, Professional Development, Recap with Berk

yo yo yo Merry Christmas Santa came to town last night!!!

This is Krista here and I am sitting in the RDU airport right now (I LOVE AIRPORTS AND AIRPLANES) about to board my flight in 10 min to MUSIC CITY BABY!!! lets go Nashville! I have the privilege to be sitting next to Berkley in this moment and we wanted to take some time to ask Berkley her thoughts about Christmas Round table last night and we just remembered oh THE BLOG. sooooo We are gonna use our Interview skills here that we learned today in Matt Youngs Professional Development Class. See berkley’s post for her answers to my scary, unknown, and on the spot questions.

1. Berkley tell me your favorite light you saw in the light show?

2. Now tell me on a scale of 1-100 how did you enjoy the crazy chicken that Ashley prepared?

3. Did you know your secret Santa?

4. What made you laugh the most about last night?

alrighty, folks intercom man said its time to go and looks like the plane is here!!!!

Merry Christmas love yall.

Airport, Interview, Podcast, Christmas, Professional Development, and Recap with Krit

ho ho ho Merry Christmas!! Santa came to town last night!!

Hey pals! It’s ya girl Berk! Currently sitting in RDU airport with the one. the only. KRISTA BAKER! Yes you heard it hear first. THE Krista Baker.

We are set to depart on different flights (tragic i know), but we are both headed back to the sweet state of Tennessee! Nashville baby! Let’s go.

But as we sit in the airport we decided to have a little fun with our blog this month and do a little something different. Today we learned about professional development (I wasn’t stressed at all . . .ha) and Krista and I decided to practice our interviewing skills. . . Therefore, we ask you to refer to both this blog and Krista’s blog as a source of reference!!! She will be asking me questions and I will respond on here! BUT you will only know the questions if you go to HER blog!! fun i know.

Answers:

1) 100% the star wars blow up thing that i didn’t know was a star wars reference.

2) honestly krista, all I have to say is chick fil a better watch out!

3) I did. #topnotchsnooper

4) when Austin Spence put a raccoon mask on and pretended to attack us as a rabid animal. All there is to say is I left without the need for a shower.

oh well destiny calls! gotta split! Intercom man is telling us we gotta go. By for now!!

Merry Christmas fam! Love y’all!

A tribute to Dallas Bonavita

Oh hey it’s me krista,

so some of you may know this year I have been working at Note in the Pocket. If you do not know what Note in the Pocket is, you should click on this link https://vimeo.com/178372136 and if you have clothes in yo closet DONATE!!!!!!

Anyways, Dallas Bonavita is the Executive Director for Note in the Pocket and most of my time is spent with her each day. Dallas has been such a gift to me so far in fellows (like if you ever meet this lovely woman you are truly blessed). The other day I was thinking “What has Dallas taught me?” The one thing that instantly came to mind was Dallas has taught me how to remain hopeful. She is filled with hope and her hope has flowed over and blessed me. She joyfully goes into situations and interactions with a hopeful heart and is always filled with optimism.

So Thank you to Dallas for teaching me more about what it looks like to remain hopeful & what it looks like to ask the Lord for things and hopefully wait and expect.

Krista Baker

I love it. . . Still.

This season has been the best one of my life.

full of the sweetest people and the sweetest memories

being a fellow is the best

challenging, hard, and exhausting - yes. But so worth it.

I pray that anyone looking to do a program for this next year, experiences the true JOY that comes with every single moment.

there is so much to say, but this about sums it up. I. love. it…still.

this next season will be one of preparation - I am anticipating it being harder and even more challenging, but at the same time refining and sharpening to a degree I would not receive elsewhere! Let’s go 2020!

-Berkley

My Letter to the Lord

Hi Father —

I’m in the middle of an awakening and I needed to tell you about it.  I sat awake long past my designated adult bedtime wondering just exactly what you’re showing me.  Between phone conversations full of weeping and intimate time with you full of joy – my heart dwells in the unknown of how to awaken to the avoidance within me.  I’ve listened to you tell me that there’s so much that I miss when I close my eyes. Oh my small-sighted mind!  I’m only thinking of the hurtful things I can protect myself from when I go to sleep or the comfort that comes from being wrapped up in the safety of my sheets.  Yet I miss the light, the sunshine, the beauty, the reason behind the warmth, and most importantly the love you so willingly give even when I close my eyes.

Avoidance.  That’s the other word resting in my mind.  How is it that the girl who’s so quick to share is also so quick to run?  Avoid long-term grief by grieving it all up front.  Avoid long-term pain by believing you’re not worth long-term commitment.  Avoid disrupting your body at all costs as if it’s a shell you’re stuck inside that you may NOT rattle lest you cease to exist.  Avoid the touch of others because you’ve judged it not kind enough.  Or maybe because you believe you’re unworthy of such intimate love. Avoid mistakes, avoid heartbreak, avoid being too much, avoid physical pain, avoid, avoid, avoid.

Yet, I got mad when she avoided her past trauma.  And I get frustrated when he avoids sharing.  I feel sadness when they avoid looking me in the eye because I know how deeply avoidance damages.  It hurts to sleep through everything.  It’s exhausting to squeeze my eyes shut.  I want to wake up to the reality of who I am and the reality of who you are, but I’m afraid of what I might find. Where do we go from here? Can you help me?

Hi sweet girl –

Ooo I love you.  And I’m SO fond of you.  I hope you can feel how your questions and words and emotions gladden my heart. 

And I am helping.  I know you can’t see the whole picture, but I’m writing my truth on your heart.  And yes - it feels more like a long and detailed tattoo rather than a sweet poem.  Just remember, we created this design together.  Jesus, the Spirit, and I labored over this design and chose it specifically for you to bear as a testament of your life with us. It just takes time. Like all your other tattoos, we have to go over each line a few times to make sure they’re permanent. Some areas are more sensitive than others which is why we take breaks - to breathe and remember why we’re doing this in the first place. But rest assured love, progress is being made. And it’s so beautiful. I can’t wait for it to be finished.  I can’t wait for you to rejoice with me.

You’re so close honey. You’re wading through the thick muck toward me.  I see it in the time you won’t share with anyone other than my Son because how SWEET are the secrets we tell you to keep of our love for you – like a lover singing to his betrothed of the joy she brings him in just existing.  You bring us joy in existing.  You bring us joy even when you come to us in grief.  My girl.

I see you seeking me in the emotions you won’t share because they’re not meant for anyone to untangle but me.  I see you seeking redemption in inviting me into the past trauma. Can you see that you’re letting Jesus into your past, during your present, to bring future hope?  Listen to me.  I’m awakening you to me, to who I really am, to trusting me.  I love you Martha Anne.  I always have.  I always will.  I’ve been there with you in all of it.  Now’s the time to remember, to awaken to who I really am.  I am the I am.  I am yours.  You are mine.  You were bought with a price.

I’ll share a secret with y’all.  Each time this past week before I’ve walked into space with the Lord, I’ve encountered Jesus.  He’s stood before me and instructed me to put it all down – Martha Anne, I need you to drop your to-do list, your emotions, your desires. They’ll be here when you get back.

And then, before entering the holiest and most wonderful space I’ve ever walked into, Jesus takes his bloodied hands and wipes them all over my body.  

As I walk through the door into the heavenly realm with God, I am physically covered in the shed blood of Christ. Truly hidden in Christ.

This is the blood of Christ, shed for you, my darling girl.  

I wanted you to be able to be here with me, to really know me. This blood is for you.

We both weep – holding the grief over his death and the joy of his victory over death in one emotion. 

I’m praying that during this advent season you can experience the truth of being covered in the blood of Christ. I’m praying you see the cross, the wine, and the blood as gifts you’ll never deserve. I’m praying that being covered in the blood of Christ would move you to live and love out of the freedom of the cross.

xoxo

Martha Anne

Song of the South (Raleigh)

Song of The South

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Chippy on the ottoman, Chippy in the ditch

They all pet Chippy but they never got bit

Ashley was our leader, a Raleigh girl at heart

When you’re at the Boltons, better watch where ya park

Sing it!

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Well somebody told us Landon couldn’t dance

He was so good that he ripped his pants

Berkley was short and Bobo was tall

It don’t matter God loves us all

Well Steen said a cuss word and Steen got smacked

These fellows are the best and thats a fact

Bobo got a girl and a real nice ring

And they’re goin down to Georgia where they’re gonna sing

Song, song of the south

Ashleys chicken chili and I shut my mouth,

Gone, gone with the wind

There ain’t no fellows lookin back again

Songwriter: Alex Behnke

Song of the South lyrics © Raleigh Fellows Publishing Group

~c h a n g e~

Well, after failing to do last months blog post, I am here to combine both October AND November into this post.

I am currently sitting in a sea of my black Friday indulgences covering my bedroom floor. The ironic thing is that we just finished a seminar on Financial Planning (not my strong suit). I truly did not realize how many times the Bible talks about money and what we should do with it. So now, as I look at all these things I just had to have because “it was on sale”, all I can see is greed and hunger for fulfillment. I hate that this is one of the many things I struggle with but I love to shop and spend money on a whole other level. Ever since I was young I LOVED to buy things. However, it has transformed into something more where I don’t just enjoy shopping but I get a rush from it. There’s just something about clicking that button or swiping that card to buy something you have been wanting that you feel is going to, in some way, improve your life. The problem is I want a lot of things and as much as I hate to admit it, I am a bit of a materialistic person. I am always starting new hobbies or finding new interests and then I need to invest fully in that for the time being. So, I buy the things and then 3 or 5 months go by and I’m on to the next thing.

The purpose of me sharing this is not to vent about my problem but share some nuggets that I found to be of significance from today’s seminar. The first nugget was that we were bought with the blood of Christ and set free, so He does not want to see us become a slave to man/our debt. Debt is a form of slavery and it is bondage. God wants us to be free. Another nugget is that if you don’t have the means to buy or do something, you should ask yourself “are you ready?” This could possibly be God’s way of telling you to wait because you just aren’t ready. Third, our first priority should actually be giving, where some people may say saving is the priority. Giving is an act of worship and love. God calls us to be good stewards of our money because it ultimately was given to us by Him. Lastly, we need to learn to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Two verses that clearly state this are Philippians 4:11-13 and 1 Timothy 6:6-10. If we have food and clothing, we should be content.

I just wanted to share this because this has been a lifelong struggle and today I heard plentiful evidence from the Bible stating all the various components to being a good steward of our money. Ultimately, our wealth and prosperity is the Lord’s and He shares that with us. So, it only seems right to use our money as He has called us to. I’m not saying this struggle just went away but I feel guided. With His guidance I can act on the things I have learned and, hopefully, work to change the way I use my money for the glorifying of God.

peace + love

ANNA

Be Your Light

I remember the musings of an old high school mentor. They always talked about the existing light within each person. How there is this perception that the light of our souls can’t be controlled, when in fact it’s the opposite. Our light is a tool. While everyone shines and burns a little different, everyone can be luminescent.

This past month I’ve come to that realization. I burn differently than everyone around me, but this isn’t a statement of isolation but one of individualized celebration. Thank goodness we don’t all burn the same way. We’d be stuck with a cascading symphony of blinding white light. There would be no layers of orang, red, yellow. There’s different levels of warmth with each light as well. How important this is to remember. We all have a little niche to fill, and this leads me to my first point. It’s important that we all choose to shine, in our own ways. Any classic pyromaniac knows what happens when you combine two, three, four flames: the light extends, the burn increases. While this metaphor is cheesy, its simplicity lead me to some needed peace.

I am very thankful for the bright orchestra that is this group, and the way that each person shines to fill a whole that darkness would otherwise infect.

Here are some sedent musings I’ve drummed up on this subject:

The twinkling spark of light comes with birth,

Our log of light lit to burn for lives‘ warmth,

You see an ember burning bright and hard with life,

Stoked quietly through the winds and pressure of time.

We pray for deep seated coals ones the ignite others.

We bend and break to smoke the last parts of lights, bandaging darkness

For darkness embodies the fear of an end or the absence of value.

Just as an ember burns bright,

It can stop.

Inviting in the cold.

But the truth needed recognized is an ember burned bright is infectious.

Each embers warmth can be attributed to someone’s spark.

And for that we remember,

Our own warmth emphasized by the light of others.

We burn because people burned before us, and will after.

Continue to light, spark, in remembrance.

Project the same dark orange energy of those that lit before us.

And we will lit for those that come after.

Peace Homies,

Landon