The Well of Beer-lahai-roi: The God Who Sees Me

El Roi is one of God’s names in the Hebrew Bible, meaning “the God who sees me”. If you know your Bible well, then you would know that the first mention of this name is by Abram’s slave, Hagar. 

The story of Hagar begins in Genesis 16 when Abram and Sarai are unable to give birth to a child. Sarai becomes weary of her infertility and suggests to Abram that he should sleep with their slave, Hagar, so that they can build a family. Abram agrees with Sarai’s suggestion and eventually impregnates Hagar. Following conception, Sarai mistreats Hagar, so much so, that Hagar runs away. 

Hagar found herself by a spring in the wilderness where she was met by an angel of the Lord. The angel told Hagar that she was to name her child Ishmael because the “Lord had heard her cry of affliction” (v11). Moved by God’s tenderheartedness and nearness, Hagar named God, El Roi, or the God who sees me. She even named the spring where she saw the angel Beer-lahal-roi as a mark of the Lord’s omnipresence. 

So, what’s the connection between the story of Hagar and being a Raleigh Fellow?

It starts back in January when the Lord shut many doors in my life. I’ll list a few: my senior collegiate field hockey season was canceled due to COVID-19, I was rejected from all my graduate schools, I had just walked away from a three-year relationship, and lastly, my housing arrangements fell through in the middle of summer. God where are you? Do you see me? 

Despite the heartache of unexpected life events and the uncomfortability of change, I found myself meeting with the Lord frequently. I became increasingly thirsty and hungry for my eternal water fount, living wellspring, and daily bread. Although, I spent many hours with the Lord, I didn’t quite feel like the Lord had truly seen me. He seemed far, distant, and silent. If the Lord saw me, wouldn’t He present an opportunity for me? I felt like Hagar at the well, hungering for the Lord’s assurance. 

Alas, in the first week of August, I found myself on the phone with Ashley Crutchfield discussing the Raleigh Fellows Program… BAM, three weeks later I arrived in North Carolina as a Raleigh Fellow with a massive smile on my face and glimmer of hope in my heart. The Fellows program was everything that I was looking for and MORE. He heard me. He heard my cries and chose to bless me with the Fellows program. The Fellows program offered many things that I was praying for, such as, graduate level courses, job opportunities/networks, and an immersive community. 

Although the Lord chose to show His grace to me through my acceptance in the Fellows program, I think it’s important to note that His name, El Roi, still would have been just as valid had the Fellows program not come up. Given this understanding, I feel even more privileged to have the opportunity to be a Raleigh Fellow. The privilege of participating in this program is like the reassurance that Hagar received from the angel of the Lord at Beer-lahai-roi. The Lord met me where I was at and provided assurance (Amen). 

This all to say, the past month with the Fellows has been a true testament to El Roi. I have an expansive community and people who want to invest in me, as well as many opportunities to serve people in the community. My heart is full of gratitude for the Lord’s provision and faithfulness. I pray that I continue this mentality in both trials and triumphs in the next nine months. As I continue in the program, I will reflect on my Abba and remind myself that the Lord has me exactly where He wants me to be. 

Kris

September

I can’t believe that a month has passed since I drove with my parents from Frisco, TX to Raleigh, NC. I sometimes can’t believe that I actually showed up (hahahah). 1,047 miles from home is pretty crazy. Coming to Raleigh, fears of basically starting a new life were very real. New job, new friends, new home, new city/state, new EVERYTHING!!! It was (and still kind of is) all very foreign to me, but my time as a Raleigh Fellow has been nothing short of sweet. Lots of laughter happens here!!!! I continuously see how the Lord has shown up for me. If you were to ask me a year ago where I thought I’d be in a year… I would not have said here. 

Being a Raleigh Fellow has been great! The friendships that I have started to develop here are so incredible and real. This is the first time I have experienced a community this deeply rooted in faith and it has been so neat to be apart of. So far, this experience has been exhausting and life giving.

Let me show you some of my favorite September moments!!!

-Hayden

@ Lake Gaston, 35 miles of paradise!!!!!!!

@ the beach!

@ Squirrels night!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ roundtable!

@ N2N <<<<<33333

Austin's Top 10 - September 2021

*This list is not ranked in order, just an overall top ten from this month*

1. CAPTRUST coffee machines

   • My job this year for Fellows is at CAPTRUST. I am working on their Wealth Planning team where I am currently doing a lot of client data migration. I haven’t always been a huge coffee person but I have relied on the really nice CAPTRUST coffee machines to help me through the day.

2. NC State beating Clemson

   • I grew up going to NC State football games with my family since I was about 2 months old. I have always, and will always love watching State football with my family, and now my girlfriend Natalie as well. If you didn’t already know, State beat Clemson last weekend and it was one of the best games I’ve ever been to. Natalie and I got to storm the field and it was amazing. Go Pack.

3. Day trip to the beach

   • Last Friday our fellows class was cancelled so all of the fellows (minus Noah, plus Natalie) took a day trip to Wrightsville beach. We played games, swam in the ocean, ate food, and just enjoyed relaxing and being with each other.

4. Waiting for Luke in the hospital parking lot

   • Unfortunately, during our orientation retreat at Lake Gaston Luke bruised his ribs riding a jet ski and had to go to the hospital. Fortunately, he is okay and we can all look back fondly on us all waiting for Luke in the parking lot, playing games, and eating Sheetz. If only the security guards didn’t tell us to stop playing cornhole. 

5. Testimonies

   • The first few weeks we have been going through each of the fellows testimonies. We haven’t all gone yet, but getting to listen to the stories of my fellow fellows has been unbelievable. I am so thankful for all of our different stories and the amazing ways that God has moved in my new friends' lives to bring us all here together in Raleigh.

6. Date night

   • My girlfriend Natalie is the best, you should meet her. We’ve started having date nights each Wednesday night to ensure time spent together during my, now, very busy schedule. This past Wednesday night, we had a charcuterie (aka smorgasbord) picnic in Dorthea Dix park. We had a really sweet time together until a bat started circling over us and we left. But maybe even better than the picnic was then watching Survivor together, which in my opinion, may just be the greatest TV show ever created.

7. Host family dinners 

   • I live with the Haakenson family; Marc, Laura, Hunter (away at App State), Matt, Ashley, Luke, and Trixie. I have very much enjoyed getting to know all of them, especially over dinner where we have had some delicious home cooked meals. If you don’t know what a Chicken Packet is then you are missing out.

8. Shaving cream wiffle ball 

   • If you’ve never played shaving cream wiffle ball then know that it’s just as fun, if not more, as it sounds. We played this at the Apostles youth group kickoff event. I am helping lead the senior guys small group this year and I have loved getting to know some of them. I can’t wait for all of the deep and challenging conversations that are to come.

9. Spaghetti Tacos at Round Table

   • Every Thursday night all of the fellows take turns cooking dinner for the group at Ashley's house. This past Thursday, Lauren and I made spaghetti tacos for everyone and they turned out amazing, at least I thought they were good.

10. Jet Skiing at Lake Gaston

    • To round out the top ten I couldn’t leave out how much fun riding a jet ski is. Our entire retreat to Lake Gaston was amazing, but nothing beats a jet ski.

Honorable Mentions: Guy time in the sauna, Boy Scouts of America ft. Coach K, playing my host brother Luke in chess, ‘CAPTRUST’s Got Talent’ Hoop Mixtape

Dishonorable Mentions: Being late to everything (including this blog), coffee stains, waking up early, bugs

-Austin Moore

Peptember Slog Bost!

To start my very first Raleigh Fellows Blog Post ™ I would like to write a poem inspired by my month so far!

R- is for Really awkward at first

A is for Awe wait I love you guys

L is for Lake Gaston (35 miles of paradise) and also Lets go on a walk!

E is Everyone is so nice here

I is for I love squirrels!

G is for Girls (AKA squirrels) night!

H is for Happy and Hale is not that good

In all seriousness, man these three weeks have been a whirlwind. Has it been three weeks? Wait- maybe it has been four. Regardless, it has been crazy. We moved to a new place! We were put in a room with 12 strangers and got told we would be best friends in 9 months! Somehow I was sitting on Ashley’s couch in her living room thinking- oh man what if we are the exception?! Spoiler alert- we WEREN’T the exception. 

My tombstone will read- “A week at Lake Gaston is good for the soul”- Kayley Munkers 1999-Idk yet. But it really was. I think immediately being whisked away on a week-long lake getaway where we were pretty secluded and had no one to talk to except for each other was the best thing we could’ve done. A week of intentional conversations and good ole fashioned lake fun made space for us to ‘dip our toes’ in the water of each other’s lives. By the end of the week, our awkward encounters on our very first day when we looked around the living room at each other were long forgotten. And there is really no one else to thank besides God (and hours of binder talk giving us a reason to bond) for that. Because it is so like him to take something that is seemingly impossible, like becoming best friends with 12 strangers in just a few days, and prove us wrong in every single way. And now when I walk into a crowded room, I hope one of them is there, because they know me the best in this city! 

I could honestly write an entire blog post just on Lake Gaston. I love it there. They don’t call it 35 miles of paradise for nothin’! But the weeks that have followed have been just as swell. I feel the Lord’s peace and blessing over this place so strongly. I know I am supposed to be here. I kind of feel like I’m writing in a diary. This is all over the place, I’ll wrap it up soon.

An insightful question today by a teacher of one of our Fellows classes, David Spickard, prompted me to consider what has been the most surprising part of the Fellows program thus far. I immediately thought of the way Raleigh has so quickly felt like home. And I really can owe all of that to the people who have made it feel that way. SO yeah, thanks to my fellow Fellows for surprising me in the best way. I think Ashley said it best when she said our Fellows class is just really for each other. I’m in your corner, guys, and I am excited to see how we grow and stretch each other over these next 8 months! Thanks for making Raleigh ‘be the city’!

-Kayley!

RALEIGH BE THE CITY !!!

Raleigh really do be the city y’all. While this saying keeps getting thrown around by myself and my fellow Fellows (we never actually call ourselves that but it’s fun to say it for the #blog), it seems more and more true with each day that passes. The Lord is so consistently creative in how He has assured my heart and soul that “the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (Psalm 16:6). If you haven’t heard the story of how I ended up in Raleigh yet, ask me! It’s one that makes you take note of the Lord’s humor and how He uses it to let us know Him better. But all in all, my first almost-month?! (WHAT? CRAZY!) in Raleigh has been such a testament to the Lord’s hand in my life and in the lives of those around me. It feels surreal that this thing (aka Fellows haha) has been in the works for so long and now it’s my actual, everyday, ordinary life—my sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life. I think one word that neatly captures my, now, life in Raleigh is full. Not lacking anything; complete. That’s exactly how I would describe the first snippet of this new chapter. Fullness that’s filled to the brim and just spilling over onto everything around it. He is so kind and gracious and wild and good and better than anything I could ever imagine. PRAISE BE!!!! Feeling immensely thankful and insanely hopeful for how he is using this city and the people that fill it for His sake and His kingdom to come. The Lord is always in the business of making all things new. (Shoutout to Anne Young for saying this again and again over the summer/in the months leading up to Fellows & saying it with the authority and confidence that has been given to us by Christ himself!) Praying these next 9 months will be a time marked by abundance. Glory like no other! Feels right to end this lil’ entry with words from God himself:

“Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my body also rests securely. For you will not abandon me to Sheol, you will not allow your faithful one to see decay. You reveal the path of life to me; in your presence is abundant joy; at your right hand are eternal pleasures.”

With joy and in Christ always,

Kassie Starnes

Abundance

I cannot believe that it has only been a few weeks since I have packed up everything I owned (and then some) and made the 8 hr drive from Gordonsville TN to Raleigh NC. I had a lot of time to think on this drive, and so many questions flooded my thoughts: Who will I become? What impact will I make? What will my fellow fellows be like? How will the Lord use me?

Every expectation was shattered as we dove in head first to the work of knowing each other better and laughing a lot through our orientation retreat (WE LOVE YOU LAKE GASTON.) The more time I spend with this group of incredible new friends the more they feel like old ones.

I came into this new season of life hopeful and expectant of what the Lord will do with these 9 months, and in these first few weeks I have seen His spirit at work so clearly! He has brought together this group of people that we may have the chance to grow together in community with one another and lean into the things He is doing already. 

As I am reflecting on this first month of life as a fellow, the word that keeps coming back is abundance. An abundance of laughter, stories, meals spent together, and of course you can’t spell abundance without “dance” so there are also a lot of dance parties happening!!!!!! Most importantly I have seen a glimpse of the “abundant life” that we read about in John 10:10 !! 

“Anyone who goes through me will be cared for- will freely go in and out and find pasture. A thief is only here to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” - John 10:9-10 

I feel so deeply grateful that I get to share in this abundant life with this group of people (including our fearless and wonderful leader Ashbut) and I can already see the Lord’s consistency and refining as we start this new chapter of our lives together. I am so hopeful and so excited about our time and pray that it does not go by too quickly! 

 I pray that we will all go out and experience this abundant life, with limitless joy and a spirit that is wild and free! 

Much love!!!!!!!

Lauren Lamont

All Aboard the Raleigh Trolley! (Vol. 1)

Yo what’s up. Welcome to my series of blog posts for this Fellows year. Growing up, my mama would always make up provide a monthly update on 4 different areas of our lives: social, physical/health, academics/occupation, and spiritual. So I will be continuing this same format in these posts! This is very much a ‘trial-run’ post, so don’t expect greatness right off the bat haha!

Social

• Throughout the past month, I would say I have been emotionally balanced. I would say I am a social introvert, but because I am naturally introverted, my alone time is definitely a space for me to recharge and process my thoughts. Fellows has been moving at lightning pace, and its crazy to think that it has been a month already. There are always a million things going on it seems, but I have found times throughout the weeks for silence, solitude, and rest.

• I am grateful that the other Fellows are friendly and inclusive. And I just love the way the program is designed; its as if I am forced to make these deep, very real, life long friends! I don’t know [coming out of college, and going straight to adulthood] what my current friendships and new friendships would look like without the intentional and disciplined structure that is buried within Fellows.

Physical / Health

• My health and hygiene is a lot better than it was in college, and though I am waking up before 6 every morning, I still get plenty hours of sleep. I try to have all electronics off by 11pm every night just so I am not losing sleep or getting into stuff I shouldn’t be.

• Pertaining to activities, I am playing drums every other week at church, and I am playing soccer in a local adult league every Saturday. On worships days, I am at the church from 7am - 1pm, so those can sometimes feel like a work day. But I love playing and sing music, and its one of the many ways to worship our Lord and Savior! Soccer is probably my greatest passion on this planet, and I am glad to still be playing and watching week in and week out. I also like the comradery of team sports; teammates aren’t always the best, but experiencing ups and downs with a team closely parallels the relationships within the church, as we continually strive to bring heaven to earth.

Occupational

• For those who don’t know, I am currently working as a mechanical engineer for ImagineOptix, a small engineering company in the Research Triangle Park. I studied biomedical engineering, so I am not using too much of what I learned in college, but I am learning quite a bit (experience and connections are always great too!).

• Work can feel mundane sometimes. I’ve spent the last two weeks basically doing the same thing, or working on the same project. The work I am doing is great, but I sometimes question my calling when thinking long-term. I probably won’t work this job for the rest of my life, but for this particular season of life, the Lord has called me to work for this company. It would be amazing if I was given a dream that had the entire layout of my life (where I should be, what I’ll be doing), but our Creator has blessed with creativity and expression to pursue our passions for the rest of our lives. If you have read this far, I would ask that you pray for persistence and diligence in the workplace for this next month.

Spiritual

• Fellows keeps me pretty involved in scripture and prayer , which is amazing! There are times every single day for either scripture or prayer, which is a good habit to get into as we become adults. One thought in particular has stuck out to me throughout this past month. In Mary Young’s class on Spiritual Formation, one of the Fellows said they have to use mental energy, or think about not thinking of anything during times of silence and solitude, which seems counterintuitive haha. I resonate with that a lot; it’s easy to sit there in silence and ‘rest’ physically, but I am not resting in His presence if my mind is still moving at 176mph. It seems I am wired to be forward-thinking, always on-to-the-next, going going going, so another prayer request is that I learn how to truly rest during solitude.

• Personally, I have been reading the book of Job and 'Garden City' by John Mark Comer. If you haven't read Garden City, it is a must! It is about work, calling, and rest, which I briefly discussed earlier in this blog. One of the chapters in Garden City ('Everything is Spiritual) has really helped me get through these past two work weeks. Comer just highlights the importance of work and how all different types of work are designed to glorify God. As an engineer, I am problem solving, while studying and analyzing the depths of His creation. For a painter, someone could be expressing their God-given talent while displaying to the world His creativity through his creation (His people). For someone working with kids, they are serving the parent of the children by donating their time and energy, which is selfless and sacrificial (very Christ-like). Nonetheless, work is what we are called to do, and its what God did for the first 6 'days' of the existence of this world. I am almost done with the book of Job (I think 7 or 8 chapters left), and of the many things I have picked up from the book, it just reminds me of the question 'Why does God seemingly allow suffering to take place?' From Job's perspective, he was apparently righteous, but he was living under the assumption that 'righteous behavior' = a happy, fun, and safe life (which is cap). Job's friends / acquaintances tell him that there is no need to blame God or complain to Him about the suffering that Job is enduring. I find myself somewhere in the middle of this conversation between the two parties. I probably won't fully understand why 'good' and 'bad' people deal with struggles for the entirety of their lives, and I don't think God likes seeing people struggle either. But that seems to be the sacrifice made for His love for us. I think it would help if I finish Job and stop putting it off haha.

Alright, time to get off the trolley. Until next time!

BB

** Some Fellows Pro Tips from the month of September

- When Ashley says she wants to go for walk, you won't be moving at some ordinary walking speed; be sure to pull up in your play clothes.

- Write down your testimony before sharing, and don't start it the night before. Speaking on behalf of a friend, a ha ha.

- Make the effort to call at least one member of your family at least once a week; both parties will appreciate it very much!

- When you are awake / up and running by 7am you feel like you are on top of the world, I promise you!

- Write the blog post on a separate doc. Squarespace is mad buggy, and there is a 99% chance what you type might not save.

My friend Kayley.

I followed God to Raleigh NC. I was hesitant. I was scared. I was dreading change, and I was anxious to meet new people. Flash forward to September 29, 11:21 pm. I am beyond thankful to be here surrounded by 11 people I can confidently call friends. I am constantly in awe my fellow Fellows, and I have learned a lot from them. Kayley is good friend who inspires me a lot. Kayley reminds me of light, constantly drawing people near, much like Jesus. From my first interactions with Kayley, she was a friend I often wanted around, comfort to me in a new place with people I was just getting to know.

The first Sunday we started youth, I watched Kayley walk up to a girl sitting on the sidewalk alone. Kayley had no idea who she was, what she was doing, not even her name. The way Kayley strived to connect with this girl reminded me of Jesus. Jesus strives to connect with our thoughts and our feelings. He does this by taking initiative and responding to what others say with genuine love.

Though I have known Kayley Munkers just a few weeks, many of our conversations feel that way. She feels like a new, old friend. I am excited to see this friendship blossom.

- Mary Ellen

I Ended Up Here

I really did not want to do Raleigh Fellows, or any Fellows program for that matter. I’m here though a month into the program and each day it gets more difficult for me to side with my mindset from just a few months ago leading up to my month here.

So how did I end up here? A question I am still asking. I have some pretty great friends that know and love me well. I was very resistant to the idea of Fellows or any kind of program, but they insisted I at least look into it. I was very reluctant in doing so, but I knew I had to trust my friends. After many conversations and interviews, I decided on Raleigh. 

Two years after graduating from college, I find myself in a program that I didn’t want to do, in a city that I never felt anything for, and a group of people that I’m so stoked to be with. 

Coming to Fellows was never what I wanted, I’ve been out of school two years and I thought I needed something else, but Jesus has provided a really great opportunity for me and I am laughing at myself for not wanting this and thinking that it wasn’t for me. I think I was a little scared of making this big step of moving and living here, but Jesus encourages us to step out onto the water with him, to trust him. 

Thankful for all my new and old friends, that encourage me to take steps toward something better and thankful for Jesus, without you I don’t know what I’d do. So yea I ended up here.

-Dyl

My New Beginning

From a time ago that seemed so far away, I am now living in what I have been thinking, praying, and fundraising for since I committed to doing the Raleigh Fellows Program in late April.

I took on the challenge of the fellows program with a different point of view than most of my fellow fellows (hahahah I love saying that). Coming out of my time at Appalachian State, I wanted to stay in Boone where In was comfortable with my community, town and its people, and atmosphere. However, the Lord had another idea for me, that I didn't know could be so good.

After fundraising and spending my last summer in sweet Boone town, I arrived to Raleigh and it has been a great time so far! I have met some great new friends, started working at Curtis Media Group as a Production Assistant for six different radio stations, and moved into a family’s home that loves me like I am their own. Living with the Young’s has by far been the best part of my experience in Raleigh so far (sorry not sorry). After living a cabin in the woods in Boone, North Carolina, I am so thrilled to be back in a family centered home. Although I loved living with my best friends in college, it is very eye-opening to me to live in a house that shows faith, love, and hospitality through a family dynamic in every way possible. The most beautiful part of this, is that it reminds me of how I have grown up and has given me tastes of what my home was like when I was growing up (shoutout mom and dad). It has reignited the flame of why family is so important for me.

All in all, my word to describe this past month or so has been excitement. In almost everything that happens daily I am excited about, and that is truthfully because it’s a new beginning for me. And if you would have told me this a month ago, there’s no way I would have believed you. Although I miss what is not physically with me, I have to remind myself to love and be committed where I stand, and be really great about loving where I’m physically not.

Here’s to a new beginning and more of these fun posts in the future!

Noah Thompson

The Color of Change

I think it is so powerful that each fellows class gets to experience a season of change in their lives right as Fall begins. We get to change and adapt to our new environment in Raleigh right along side the leaves as they change from bright green, to a soft golden brown. 

For most of my life I was scared of change. I was afraid that change was going to be hard, that it was going to disrupt the very foundations of my life, and that I would somehow end up losing control. Even as a little kid I would resist even the smallest change because it felt uncomfortable to me.

Flash forward to today and I am now three weeks into a program that has become the biggest change in my life. Just a few weeks ago I packed up my little Rav 4 and made the 4 hour drive from Charleston, SC to the great city of Raleigh, NC. Once I got here I got the opportunity to meet my amazing “fellow mates” and amazing director. Yet, even though the people are fantastic there was still this underlying discomfort with all of this change. I mean, I am now living in another families house, with two kids ages 9 and 6, who are filled to the top with joy at ALL hours of the day. Not to mention living in a brand new city, trying to balance the relationships I have versus the relationships I continue to create every single day. Change can be hard.

But if you know me, you know that Fall is my favorite season, and not just because football is back (Go Blue Devils baby). It’s my favorite season because of the leaves and the beauty that happens when they change colors. It helps remind me that change is so freaking beautiful. And yeah, change is hard. It can be tough, uncomfortable, and make you feel anxious from time to time. But it is also so good too.

Look at the gospel. Once we put our faith in Christ we are called to be born again through his love. We are called to leave the sin and the brokenness of the world behind and start living a life that is far more wonderful and beautiful. That does not just happen with the flip of a switch. It takes time, it takes shedding old habits and creating new ones. It takes change. 

Last Friday our fellows class took a trip to Wilmington to hang out at the beach. It was a fun, spontaneous trip, filled with laughter, love and joy. On the car ride there, Kayley (my bestie girl from Chuck Town) asked me the question what my favorite color is. I said that it was that soft, golden brown of the leaves once the seasons change from summer to fall. Why? Because that change reminds me of the life Jesus has called us too and that no matter what happens in our lives, he is the one that is always present and protecting.

Christ wants to disrupt our lives. Let’s let him.

Luke Harvin

New Beginnings

Coming to Raleigh was a HUGE move for me. It took me around 30 minutes to drive from my college house in Cary to North Raleigh. Traffic was terrible, I had to stop for lunch at Chick-Fil-A, and packing my 2004 Ford Explorer took a long 2.5 hours.

In all seriousness, it was a lot for me to decide to do Raleigh Fellows, but man, am I excited for what the Lord has in store for myself and this group these next nine months. Graduating as a Civil Engineer in May from NC State almost came with this pressure to find a good job, get paid good money, and live the rest of my days in a suburb outside of Raleigh growing a family. But one thing you need to know about me, I love getting my hands dirty and don’t thrive in a life where the answer to my biggest questions are, “because it just makes sense.” I desperately long to live a life in the middle of chaos, working with the Lord, and growing into the person He has called me to be. Here is an excerpt from Theodore Roosevelt’s “The Man in the Arena” that expands on this idea a bit more:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

So starting the Fellows program allowed me to do away with the predictable (and intimidating, to me) post-graduate life. I was excited but also nervous because I’ve never been a part of a true Acts 2:42-47 community before. The first week retreat definitely confirmed it as I was thrown in to becoming best friends with people I’ve never met before and expected to get along, talk nicely about each other, and tell everyone about the best parts of ourselves. Although it was hard, I’m thankful for a God who shows up in those moments of vulnerability and who provides peace in times of newness.

The first month has been full of fun conversation at lunches, our fair share of injuries, a spontaneous beach trip, plenty of laughter, the beautiful presence of the Lord, a strong and firm community of believers at the church, and an overall sense of excitement.

One piece of scripture that has been on my mind the last month is Luke 22:39-46. I’ve been wrecked by the conversation on the Mount of Olives between the Father and the Son. Jesus can see Hell right in front of Him and is in so much anguish that He actually sweats blood. A fervent prayer and a deep sorrow for what lie ahead of Him wouldn’t stop Him from saving us. It’s a beautiful and convicting passage to read as I relate to the disciples who fell asleep and who Jesus still died for. I hope and pray that I remember this and stay awake in prayer unlike the disciples who were with Him.

I can’t wait to continue getting to know my fellow Fellows, the church body, and everyone who is a part of the Raleigh Fellows as the year progresses.

Jacob McCarthy

One last time!

On my dresser I have a framed poem by Mary Oliver (yes I started the year quoting her and I will end the year doing so too) that basically summarizes the thesis of all her work. I also think of it as my mantra for life of sorts. It reads:

Instructions for living a life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.

In one of our first classes with Jason Young, he gave an eerily similar “instruction” (and I wonder if he was subconsciously influenced by Mary Oliver, too): show up; pay attention; tell the truth.

As I have been beginning the process of reflecting back on these past 9 months as Fellows wraps up, these words have been coming back to me. I remember Ashley challenging us on our first retreat to really lean in this year. Then, Jason literalized this same sentiment when he told us in class to physically lean in, to actually orient our bodies towards each other and incline slightly when we speak to each other. Wherever you are, be all there. Don’t miss it. Hang on to every word and listen with your whole body, your whole being.

This year we have been asked to live out these life instructions. To show up, to bring our full selves, to share our truths, to pay attention to what God is doing in and around us. And I can truthfully say I am astonished by the good work the Father has done since I moved to Raleigh last August.

There were times when leaning in felt painful. I know some days, I missed it. My back got sore from all this leaning and I would sit up and turn away. But I think more days than not, I leaned in. And I think the same is true for the 11 other wonderful, unique, weird, truly amazing Fellows here. It blows my mind that I did not know a single one of these people 9 months ago…. Because now I know FAR too much! (gross)

In all seriousness - I can honestly say that every one of them has taught me something new about God, enriched my life, and made me a better person. It’s funny to think back on some of the early weeks of the program, and how much has changed since then. How much we have grown individually and as a group. How much our capacity to hold each other’s $hit has increased. How much weirder/cringier/more inappropriate our jokes have gotten (is there such a thing as too far? Raleigh Fellows seem to think not, thankfully!). How much more I LOVE these people.

I am so grateful every one of us decided to lean in, to really show up and pay attention this year. To Maddie, Tommy, Brooke, Austin, Morgan, Gentry, Jen, Cam, Sara, Jeb, and Trey: thank you. Thank you for holding my shit. Thank you for letting me hold yours. Thank you for making my stomach hurt from laughing, and my face hurt from crying. I’m excited for all the memories to come. We’re just getting started! 

And thank you to my amazing host family, the lovely Marsha and Harry Whyte, and to our fearless leader Ashley. Thank you to all the wonderful leaders and mentors. Each of you has added so much to this program and to my life.

May we never forget the good work the Father did in Raleigh in 2020-2021. May we continue to abide. May we always show up and pay attention, be astonished, and tell about it in truth and grace.

xox,

Sarah

Into the Mystery...

I remember arriving in Raleigh full of excitement, hopeful for answers, and expectant in how the Lord would work in my life.  But even in the beginning I was dreaming about the end.  Who would I be?  What would be important to me? What impact would I have?  I was so focused on getting to the end because at the the end lied answers and a clear path.  But now that we are here, the mystery of the future still lingers and I am still asking those same questions.  If the last nine months have taught me anything is that I will never stop asking myself those questions and I never should.

As we begin the process of reflection on fellows, there is so much to be said, emotions to be felt, and moments of stillness to be embraced.  What sticks out the most is the word gentleness.  Throughout fellows I found myself continually asking the Lord to soften my heart to myself, to others, and to the world.  That I would see the beauty in the way He created me and how he delights in who He made me to be.  When I am caught up in the pursuit of more, that I would not miss the beauty of where I am at and being a broken creation of the Lord.  That I would not be afraid to dream in fear of those longings and desires not being fulfilled.  

This spirit of gentleness that I prayed for is now slowly taking over my heart and mind, it feels like chains breaking free!!! I now find myself dreaming of the family I hope to have one day. Dreaming of a house that is open and inviting, a space where people of all walks of life can gather.  Where my kids are running around smiling, laughing, learning, and knowing the love of God every day.  The beauty in the freedom to dream is so sweet and a gift from the Lord.  He knows my future kids by name, their little quirks that will make them unique, and burdens they will bear.  To think He already knows people that I will come to love so deeply and unconditionally is a reminder to me of His grandeur and vastness.   Nine months ago I would never have allowed myself to put words to these dreams and how freeing and joyful it is to know that these words are a work of his hands!!

No words will ever be able to express my gratitude for the last nine months. The sacrifices and acts of service made by others to care for me when I was undeserving. This fellows community is a clear picture of Christ and his unconditional love. That even in our brokenness, we get to live this beautiful life in communion with one another, with a Father who yearns for our hearts daily - how did we get so lucky?!!

Who knows what the next months and years will hold, but how comforting it is to know that He is guiding my every step, walking hand in hand alongside me as He says,  “Sara, follow me into the mystery”   

— Sara

may xx

It’s May and I can’t believe that my time in fellows is coming to a close. Even with this realization, it’s funny how much time I’ve spent thinking about all that is to come after this ends but spent hardly any time thinking about right now, almost at the end. In my first blog post I wrote that I felt like God was asking me, “Morgan, will you lean in? Will you lean into me? Will you be all in with me?” and that “I still don’t truly know how to sit at Jesus’ feet and not try to rush around, earning his love that he never asked me to strive for.” 

I still resonate with that. But I think I’ve learned so much about the simple truth of the way the Lord truly, truly delights in me. This year has felt like wrestling at the head level, like learning how to press in instead of running away. I’ve been reminded time and time again that I can’t do anything in my own strength, and what I can do on my own holds no lasting joy. The cross has felt distant and then close. The pure holiness of God has reminded me of the depth of my sin.  I’ve grown in appreciation for the process of trusting the slow work of God.

To start the year I wrote an ode to the next 9 months. I want to end with an ode to the next steps: (in italics under my original poem from the beginning of the year)

Here in Raleigh-town!

Here in Raleigh-oh what you are now to me.

This time has been long-awaited, yet loosely anticipated.

This time has gone in the blink of an eye, yet all it holds is vast and deep.

Already, already

Again, again

I feel that this is the place.

I feel that what was done here will take me far.

Not of anything that I’ve done. Not of the things I could do.

Not of what I’ve collected from others. Not of who I want to be.

Not even of the people I’m surrounded by that hold my heart and its contents so carefully.

Not even of the ways that I have been loved by those around me in ways I didn’t know were possible.

But the Lord is here. He is evident, profound.

But the Lord has always been with me. He is steadfast, unwavering.

Waiting, always waiting for me to sit still with him.

Waiting, actively waiting for me to see how much bigger his field of vision is than mine.

And he is using me?

And he is renewing me?

He is, 

He is,

Using me.

Renewing me.

---

Thank you, class of 2021sters - I will treasure these friendships forever. Each of you possess a unique, eternal value that only you can bring to this community and world and it does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ashley, for the ways you’ve sacrificed this year and cared for me. Thank you Mom and Dad for your unwavering support, it has meant the world to me. I don’t know what the future holds but I’ve never felt more confident that I am where I’m supposed to be and that the Lord has something to show me in all of this and that there is no right formula. May I trust Christ more tomorrow than I do today - amen.

- morgan

Practice Run

So, for those of you who do not know, I was in a car accident near the end of March (which was my fault, not a great look). Thankfully everyone was okay, but not so thankfully, my truck of the last 6 years was not so lucky. We’ll now take a brief moment of silence to honor Bessy, the 2001 Taco(ma)...... 

Thank you

Well, as you guys are well aware, it’s difficult to exist in today’s world without a vehicle, especially when you are working in person. Now, I assumed that getting a new car would be a headache, but a headache I’d have squared away before I had to give back my rental in a couple weeks time. Well, you know what they say about assuming... you look like a big ol idiot. Let’s just say a month of being carless, with two weeks of borrowing Jeb’s car for work tacked on at the end there (the largest King move of 2021, ily Jeb), I now have a car and I could not be more excited to be able to drive again. One of my first real adulting experiences ruthlessly kicked my ass-umptions of how it would go. It was one dang good practice run for life!

When telling the boys I needed a car for the second week in a row, Austin Kinne said with a grin, “One day Tommy, one day you won’t see us helping you as an inconvenience”. The son of a gun knows me too well. My escapade without a car left me painfully aware of how uncomfortable dependency makes me. Having to ask others for help always makes me feel disjointed, off balance even. I always wince at the idea of inconveniencing someone else with my problems, telling myself I am loving people better by not burdening them. Yet, this year has slowly pried open the armor I have placed around my heart and allowed the Lord’s mercies and truths to shine through. 

“If dependence (on God) is the goal, then weakness is an advantage” How does my daily view of dependence permeate and affect my view of it with my heavenly father. How much does my day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute denial of my need for other’s help convince me that I do not need God’s help. How quickly does my vision become blurred, and how easily tricked am I into thinking I am capable of doing literally anything apart from my Father’s strength. I hate being dependent. I can confidently say I do not enjoy seeking other’s help. I enjoy the illusion that I can do all things by myself. Funny how much I enjoy being wrong isn’t it? But, I’ve noticed I enjoy it far less than I used to. The car buying experience was a very practical analogy for what a lot of this year has been like for me. It’s reassuring to know that my God is a father who loves me so much that he doesn’t want me to have to go through life on my own. Loneliness follows my perceived independence like a sad shadow, and my God is a light who casts out such lies. The pressure cooker that the last few weeks has indeed been a good practice run for life. 

Learning with each passing day to embrace my weakness, and allow the Lord to use it to his advantage.

- Tommy Rychener

Ps: I got McDonald’s today and my order number was 65, which means I was one car away from executing order 66 on May the 4th.

April/May

January 7, 2021

 Maybe I’m being overly sentimental, but I just wish everyone could be a part of this moment. Right now, in a house on Lake Gaston, there are 12 twenty-somethings prayerfully dreaming about the rest of their lives. Emotion wells up in me as I consider what ordinary vibrance they will bring to this hurting world:

The grocery store clerks, gas station cashiers, and servers that will get a taste of the heart of God because of who these people have decided they want to be.

The faithful stewards they will be: with their money, their relationships, their homes. None of it will belong to them, all is a gift from above. Because of that they will know true joy and contentment. Because of them we will see heaven on earth: Finances redeemed. Success redeemed. People redeemed.

The grace, tear-jerking kindness, and startling generosity they will bring to harsh, covetous workplaces.

The wise, fierce, gentle, and fun women they will be. They will be role models; exuding both the dignity their Creator has placed on them and the meekness of their Savior.

The strong, goofy, and humble men they will be. They will surprise people with their kindness, servant-leadership, and thoughtfulness. Jesus will be so proud to make himself known through them.

The life, fun, and safety that will fill up and overflow from their homes. 

The leaders they will be in their communities. Humble mentors, hospitable neighbors, unflinching advocates. Imitators of Jesus. Imperfect, radiant images of the God of the universe walking around our cities. Wounded healers. The aroma of Christ.

I am so confident in how the Lord will bless this world through them, because I’ve witnessed first hand how he’s already doing so: Trey’s authenticity. Maddie’s liveliness. Austin’s gentleness. Sarah’s compassion. Jeb’s wisdom. Sara’s loyalty. Tommy’s thoughtfulness. Morgan’s leadership. Gentry’s kindness. Jen’s childlike wonder. Cam’s humility. Ashley’s devotion and 22-year-old heart. All have shown me glimmers of God and sharpened me.

And what an immense privilege it is to be here while they dream. The best is yet to come.

To the Church of the Apostles and St. David’s families, the Raleigh Fellows alumni and NC State community, the Crutchfield and Farwell families, my home team, and my precious fellows class, a simple “thank you” will never suffice but it’s all I’ve got. You have befriended me, served me, helped me, guided me, and cared for me more and better than I could ever deserve. You’ve taught me and reminded me:

People aren’t made in your image — be curious.

We become what we behold.

You are not immune, but don’t let that keep you from getting in the arena. Get in the arena.

We’re all just beggars trying to tell other beggars where to find food.

You are fingerprints of The Divine. Thanks for letting me be a kid and helping me grow up. The best is yet to come indeed.

“So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, ‘You are a God of seeing,’ for she said, ‘Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.’”

— Brooke

Good Putters

As fellows has been winding down we’ve been reflecting on the things we’ve learned and what we are taking away. Mine is pretty simple: I want to hang out around the type of people I hope to emulate. Men and women who are actively pursuing the Kingdom of God through their jobs, families, spouses, ministries, friendships, and everything in between. I want to be someone who lives a fully integrated life and look forward to continued and future relationships with those who are already doing so. This is my parting thought and desire.

Fellows, you’ve been great.

-Jeb

the in-between

I feel like I've had a camera in my hands my entire life. Ever since I was in early elementary school, I've always seemed to have a love for photography, and eventually video. I’m not sure what initially drew me to it, but I think something innately within me has just always wanted to capture the beauty around me- whether through clouds (my first award winning photo, thank you very much), people, landscapes, whatever it may be. Being behind the camera has honestly been one of the biggest constants throughout my life. 

When I look back on my favorite pictures and videos I've taken, this year or otherwise, it’s always the moments of in-between I love the most. Capturing those natural moments as they happen; life as it really was. The joy seems greater, more natural. The moment holds a sense of authenticity. There’s something in those moments, those pictures and videos, that you usually can’t seem to feel in a more posed picture. The obvious grandeur is less, but I think so much more beautiful. 

Yet when the in-between moments of my life happen, I want nothing more than to run. To get to the next place as quickly as possible. Sometimes I hide, afraid of what’s next, or what’s to change. Liminal spaces feel less like an invitation to me and more of a place of dread- full of uncertainty, questions, waiting, and a lack of stability. The perfect space for doubt and fear to flood in. 

Life right now is nothing but a huge in-between. I want to have the answers, to be in control of what's happening. I don’t know if all my writing has made it clear enough yet, but i love to be in control of my life. And I’m terrible at giving it up. 

But life is made in the transitions: the time of change, the time of growth. It’s where the Lord resides even when I can’t see it. I want to see these parts of my life the way I see it in photos and videos; as the parts with the greatest joy, and beauty, and the most life. To be present in this time of in-between and transition, instead of hoping for the future or wishing for the past.

-------

I wanted to end my last blog with one of my favorite quotes from writer and artist Mari Andrews: 

“It has never been this way, and it has always been this way. The fact that suffering, mundanity and beauty coincide is unbearable and remarkable.”

These words of hers have stuck out to me since I first read them a year ago, at the start of the pandemic. They’re just as applicable to me now as they were back then. This year during Fellows I've been overwhelmed by it all: the suffering, the mundanity, the beauty. It truly is unbearable and remarkable that they can all coincide together. Over the course of the past nine months I've continued to learn more and more about what it looks like to live in the balance of all three of those things. Suffering, mundanity, beauty- they’re all meant to be lived, not hiding from one and over-embracing the other. 

I’m thankful for this year. For this program. For the people I spent entirely way too much of my time with almost every day of the week. I’m thankful for everything they’ve taught me, and what i’ll keep on learning from them as the months and the years go by. I’m thankful for the ways they’ve taught me to see the suffering, mundanity, and beauty, and remind me that the Lord is equally in them all. That He is as present in the in-betweens as the beginnings and the ends. Thank you Lord for this year.

[AND LASTLY, I’ve had this thing for a few years that i occasionally post on if you feel so inclined to keep up with any future writing of mine: www.jennnnifernicole.wordpress.com]

monthly music recommendations: obstacle 1 by interpol, simplicity by yam haus, don’t you by taylor swift, my city of ruin by wesley schultz, palms by gus dapperton, easy tiger by flyte, why by dominic fike

-- Jen

In & Of Itself (2021)

I recently read a book by Kierkegaard called Repetition that poses some ideas that may be helpful as Fellows comes to an end for our class. The basic idea is that “repetition and recollection are the same movement, except in opposite directions, for what is recollected has been, is repeated backward.” We can recollect memories, moments, and feelings that have already happened and still feel them intensely, but it’s not exactly the same as experiencing them for the first time. This leads the narrator, Constantin Constantius, to the question of whether repetition is possible in these experiences. He describes trying to repeat a trip to Germany but finds that the pleasures and events that brought him great joy the first time around aren’t the same. In fact, he actively despises them. He comes to the conclusion that repetition isn’t possible. There are some other things that make up this book, mainly involving a young man that chooses Constantin as his confidant as he hashes out his feelings for a girl, but I’ll let you read that yourself if you’re interested. You get the gist of what’s happening here, repetition is impossible to achieve.

The scary thing about leaving something like the Fellows is feeling lost and trying to repeat what was done here. After May 16th, our group won’t look the same. We aren’t required to do anything together. Our schedules won’t align. It will take infinitely more effort for us to be good friends to each other. To love each other well. It’s important that we create our own traditions, our own rhythms. The danger comes in seeking repetition. I pray that we avoid that mistake and forge our way forward to what beautiful things God has in store for us if we pursue Him and pursue each other. I hope we can recollect and remember this year and our feelings about this year as it was, in and of itself. 

In the words of Jake Crutchfield, “It’s been a good ride.” (Or something like that)

For the last time, Cheers!

Cam

P.S.

Randomly on a page by itself in Repetition is this (misquoted) Shakespeare quote: “Better well hanged than ill wed.” That sounds like some great dating and marriage advice to me!