Unoriginal Thoughts

So far this year I’ve been privileged to be exposed to a lot of cool thoughts. From mentors, to church members, to other fellows, to teachers, to authors, the list goes on. I’ve gotten to learn, be challenged, transformed, and exposed to better ways of thinking than my own. So for this blog I’m going to steal a really good thought from an author and hope it encourages/challenges you as much as it did me this month. 

“O God of tender mercies, I know I’ve kept you at arm’s length. I’ve kept you safe in heaven. But heaven has leaned down to the earth and I’ve been touched anew. Like thirsty ground I long for you. Forgive my casualties about your Love. Forgive my shallow life. I am finished with shallowness. I used to pray that I be saved from eternal death, but now I pray to be saved from shallow living. Eternal Death? Shallow living? Is there a difference? O God, deliver me from shallow living!” -A Tree Full of Angels by Macrina Wiederkehr. 

-Jeb

january xx

What is true?

What is eternal?

I wrote these questions in my journal earlier this week and they’ve stayed on my mind since. Bill Fullilove asked us a lot of good questions on our mid year retreat about our values and things that we want in our lives long term.  One of the values I listed was simplicity. I think this is something I’ve been processing for a while especially in terms of following Jesus and how we are called to look different from the world. Our culture screams more and nothing is ever enough. 

When I think of what I fear most in the future, it would be getting so caught up in this cycle of thinking…  I want a good job, and eventually a family, then to be able to provide for them and a beautiful house to have friends over, to travel… the list could go on and on. Once I get one, I’ll want the next. What will ultimately satisfy me? I know the answer. And something I think a lot of us are realizing is that what we desire isn’t wrong, in fact God wants us to take those desires to him and dream. 

But the line is fine. And I want to walk it well. I want to simplify the things that don’t matter in the light of spending eternity with Jesus Christ.

- morgan

Dreaming with God

Well… it finally happened. We got COVID. Correction: somehow only three of us got it and they are now all better (praise God) but we all spent two weeks in strict quarantine in our houses. So, January has been a slow month. It was a challenging month in its own way. In the stillness, my restlessness became glaringly obvious. A part of me resists the quiet – it can be scary.

In the quiet, my fears, longings, and deep desires begin to tug at me. Over and over again in the Fellows program, we’ve been told to pay attention to our dreams. What gives you joy? What keeps you up at night? What can’t you give up or lay aside? Most of the time, I think I regard my desires with caution or fear – if indeed I regard them at all. I’m afraid to want something too badly, because I’ve always operated under the unbiblical notion that if I want something badly enough, God will purposefully withhold it from me.

[Which brings up another pressing question I need to attend to: why is it that I view God as a God who withholds more than one who gives abundantly, when the Bible continually makes clear that the latter is true?]

A recent example of this theme coming up: in Edward’s first New Testament class, he asked us, “Do you find it difficult to name and admit desires you have to God?” My answer is a resounding YEP. It is also difficult to name and admit desires I have to other people, and even to myself. Because if I speak them aloud, then they’re real. They’re out there for others to judge and see. Say these desires never come to fruition, what then? I don’t want to be judged by my unrealized dreams. It feels risky to dream in front of others. In short: admitting desires requires vulnerability and a release of control. Oof.  

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom talking to her about a desire of mine that’s been weighing on me for a while now and debating whether I should take a step towards doing something about it. Her advice?

“What are you waiting for, Sarah? Allow yourself to dream.”

And that is one of main reasons why moms deserve a grammy award. But really, what am I waiting for? And how about you, what are you waiting for? It will never be “a convenient time” or “easy” to start stepping towards our hearts’ desires. And it’s risky; there are no guarantees that we’ll get what we seek. But maybe, in the process of seeking, God will point us to deeper, fuller desires that He wants to satisfy. God cares about our desires; He created desire after all. And the more we pursue God, the more our desires tap into His heart and the people He created us to be. In Sacred Rhythms, Ruth Haley Barton calls desire “the beginning of the spiritual journey.”

We suppress our longings to our peril. Desires demand to be heard and they will operate and drive us whether or not we are aware of them. If I dare to dream in God’s presence, I pray and believe that my dreams will drive me towards God instead of away from Him, as they do when I repress them. As Ruth Haley Barton reminds us, “Their power only gets stronger the longer we repress them. How much safer is it for ourselves and everyone around us if we open up our desires in Jesus’ presence and allow him to help us sift through them.”

Today I am leaning into Psalm 145: 16: “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” God’s hands are not clenched but open. He is ready to hold your bold dreams and mine.

-Sarah

hallelujahs are all around

Junior year of college I had a canvas above my bed with the words “hallelujahs are all around” written on it- a line from one of my favorite Penny and Sparrow songs. So much of my life though has been spent living out of the following line, “but the roof is caving in”. 

I choose too often to see the brokenness, the mess, all the times that the roof has caved in instead of the hallelujahs that are all around me. I choose to see the world through clouded, distorted eyes of bitterness more than I would care to admit. It’s the recurring theme of my life. 

But I want to see that all is not lost.

I want to see the light in the cracks. I want to see the love that is all around me. I want to see abundance where I see bleakness.

……….

This summer when I was interviewing with St. Davids, I was asked by my now boss about what I admire in older mentors of mine. I had listed some things, and when I finished he told me about marigolds. He prefaced the story with the fact that he wasn’t a gardener, so he wasn’t sure how true any of this was, but the sentiment had stuck with him regardless. 

When other plants are planted and rooted near marigolds, he told me, there is more growth than there would otherwise be. They flourish. The marigolds increase resilience in the plants around them and protect the soil.

And so I can’t help but be especially grateful for these friends of mine, and this whole program. They are marigolds; people that speak life, that call out the good, that help me grow. People I am undeserving of. 

I am grateful for the way they help me see the hand of the Lord through everything, and that His hallelujahs are all around and abounding. Even when, and especially when, I feel the roof is caving in. 

What a gift it is- to be in this place at this time, to have each other. 

monthly music recommendations: leaning on you by HAIM, go on by harolddd, redemption by nathaniel rateliff, all the other lovers by field guide, effy stonem by nick mono, sunday soda by french cassettes

—Jen

Live to hunt, Hunt to live

So there we were…

The beginning of every great hunting story if you are unaware begins with, “so there we were”. It sets the seen for the adventure that you are about to hear, and lets you know you are about to be drawn into the story.

So there we were… James Edward Bowie has long sense had a desire to bag a whitetail deer in his life. Fortunately, being friends with Gentry Williamson has opened a few doors for this possibility to happen. Gentry, being the mediocre planner that he is, has taken many years to fulfill this dream in James. December 27th, 2020 was the day.

We began the journey rolling through the hills of sweet Mount Airy, across the VA border, and into the back country of Claudville, VA. This 25 minute drive is a beautiful depiction of “getting away”. Away from responsibilities, tasks, or any other clutter that could be in your life. The countryside is free and alive and what a wonderful experience it is to get away.

Gentry had done his homework before hand and so upon arrival he knew where to take his friend James. He wanted to give his friend the best chance at success and so they began their evening in the Condo stand. The condo is basically a massive tree house overlooking a field of crops. The crops are grown throughout the year with the sole purpose of attracting, and maintaining the health of the deer heard on our property. This year the Condo field had been planted with beets, radishes, and turnips. What you might not know is after the first couple frosts, these underground vegetables acquire a sweet taste that make them almost irresistible to the deer in the area. Walking down the trail to the stand James and Gentry were quickly aware of the aroma coming from the crops which added a level of excitement to their journey.

The Condo was hot. Baking in the sun all day James quickly had to shed some layers as they entered the stand for the evening. Besides the annoyance of a couple horse flies who had made their home in the house, the stand is a pretty comfortable spot to spend an evening in. The friends wanted to make the most of their time in the woods and so they each began to read Abba’s Child as a way to make the time go by faster. Pretty soon it was 5 pm.

The first and last 30 minutes of each day are prime feeding times for the east coast whitetail populations, and so the friends set aside their books and began to pay closer attention as the sun began to set behind the hardwoods. They were quickly surprised to see a young doe make her way into the field. They watched as she ate her weight in the delicious turnips, but were disappointed in the size of the young animal and so decided that she would not be harvested. The sun continued to set and Gentry, being the guide, was starting to get a little worried they were going to run out of sunlight. Much to his surprise he watched as a young, healthy 8-pointer walked right out of the woods to his right. Unfortunately James was unable to see the buck as he was positioned for the best shot down the left side of the field. This caused a little dilemma as Gentry watched the buck just slowly feeding in the right corner, still completely out of sight of James Edward. Gentry finally hatched a plan and began whispering to James the needed steps in order for this hunt to be successful. James began the slow transition sliding off his chair, maneuvering to the left side of the stand, spinning around, and standing back up all without being seen or heard. Gentry’s heart was racing the whole time as one large clunk from his boots would have made the young buck scurry off into the woods. The transition was complete, gun in hand, and James was ready to take the shot. After taking a little time to get settled, waiting for the buck to give him the best possible shot, and allowing Gentry to get his video camera ready, James Edward Bowie dropped his first whitetail. Emotions erupted inside of the friends hearts as this was an exciting day for the both of them.

Being a hunter for most of his life, Gentry loves having the opportunity to share one of his passions with a close friend. The thrill, adventure, and solitude of being in the woods has always been one of his favorite activities, but nothing compares to the joy of being able to pass it on to others, watch their excitement, and help cultivate a successful hunt in their life. #BANG BANG

lets talk about our feelings <333

I’m pretty anti-New Year’s Resolutions. (If you know me, you may have just rolled your eyes or let out a sigh… I label myself as “anti” many prescriptive traditions.) More than anything else, I fear New Year’s Resolutions, when placed in the hands of inveterate scorekeepers, can yield the opposite results I intended: what began as an expression of hopeful growth and healthy change turns into one more voice in my head telling me I’m not enough and good for nothing when I inevitably fall short.  

As our speaker for our Faith and Work/ Vocation retreat Bill Fullilove said yesterday, avoid the gym in January because that’s when all the eager New Year’s Resolution-ers will be there. By February, they’ll have burned out until January 1st of the next year and it will be safe to go again.

All that being said… I do think the change of seasons and years and events is a good time to reflect and ask what are the things I want to keep, and what are those I want to leave behind. (Growth is good, just not the self-flagellation that often accompanies an expectant growth that doesn’t come to fruition the way we hoped). Speaking of self-flagellation, that is one of the things I’m hoping to kick in the a$$ in 2021. Several people this past year have gently told me they have noticed an unhealthy tendency in me to berate myself for being a deep feeler or “too emotional.” I have noticed this tendency perhaps more than anyone. I’m painfully self-aware, which is both a gift and a burden.

I have a complex relationship with my somewhat intense emotionality. On the one hand, I like it about myself, because it makes me compassionate and empathetic, and it makes me better at things I enjoy doing, like writing. But there is a dark underside that threatens to overshadow the light: my emotionality means I can be taken down more easily and plunged into sadness, which in turn can make me feel isolated from others as I recognize that my depth of emotion seems unusual when I compare myself to my peers, which in turn makes me view myself as different, uniquely broken, and weak, which in turn leads me to withdraw in shame and feel even more isolated. It’s not always so extreme, but nevertheless, it’s a nasty cycle.

I can tend to focus on the dark side rather than the light, and also begin to label emotions as “bad.” I demonize my sensitivity, and wage war with my emotions. In this ungodly war, the stakes are high, the winners are nowhere to be found, and the outcome is always the same: disdain for myself. A mentor recently told me, “Your emotions are not your enemies but your superpower. You notice things other people don’t – nuances. You see things. That’s the gift and burden of creatives… I want you to learn to trust and love your sensitivity.”

…woah. That’s a definitive jolt away from my previous mindset. If I could stop viewing my emotions as threats to be repressed, shoved down, or even viciously attacked, I could see that they are actually a gift, and maybe even a “superpower.” With great joy comes great sorrow. I refuse to apologize for my yearning to experience life to its fullest, and every emotion that entails.

Reading our latest fellows book, Abba’s Child, I was both struck and comforted by Brennan Manning’s following description of Jesus: “To ignore, repress, or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life. Jesus listened. In John’s gospel, we are told that Jesus was moved with the deepest emotions (11:33)… The gospel portrait of the beloved child of Abba is that of a man exquisitely attuned to His emotions and uninhibited in expressing them. The Son of man did not scorn or reject feelings as fickle and unreliable. They were sensitive emotional antennae to which He listened carefully and through which He perceived the will of His Father for congruent speech and action.”

Wow. Jesus felt more deeply and profoundly than any man before or since. He was relentlessly attentive to the needs and feelings of others, tender, and compassionate. While feelings should not rule my decisions and life, they are gifts from the Father and I want to regard them with respect and gentleness. With God’s help, I hope for inner peace where there with strife. It will be a lifelong struggle (with this particular issue and many others) and certainly not a box to check in 2021, but it’s one I want to entrust to God’s much more capable hands. 

-Sarah

Psalm 62 (MSG)

1-2 God, the one and only—
    I’ll wait as long as he says.
Everything I need comes from him,
    so why not?
He’s solid rock under my feet,
    breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
    I’m set for life.

3-4 How long will you gang up on me?
    How long will you run with the bullies?
There’s nothing to you, any of you—
    rotten floorboards, worm-eaten rafters,
Anthills plotting to bring down mountains,
    far gone in make-believe.
You talk a good line,
    but every “blessing” breathes a curse.

5-6 God, the one and only—
    I’ll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
    so why not?
He’s solid rock under my feet,
    breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
    I’m set for life.

7-8 My help and glory are in God
    —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
    lay your lives on the line for him.
    God is a safe place to be.

9 Man as such is smoke,
    woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they’re nothing;
    two times nothing is nothing.

10 And a windfall, if it comes—
    don’t make too much of it.

11 God said this once and for all;
    how many times
Have I heard it repeated?
    “Strength comes
Straight from God.”

12 Love to you, Lord God!
    You pay a fair wage for a good day’s work!

My thoughts:

I’ve read this to the point of tears. Psalm 62 is the essence of things I’ve known in my head for a long time but just now and finally allowing to reach into my heart and truly influence me. These words are changing me. Among many other things in here, I’m brought to tears by the reality that I’ve understood this for years and have yet still decided not to let it truly influence me. And despite the fact that I’ve known and not acted, God’s view of me and declaration of me as beloved, has not changed.

-Jeb

WFT (not WTF) Needs to Keep Building From Here

This weekend the Washington Football Team clinched the NFC East and thus a spot in the 2021 NFL Playoffs. Despite the Eagles somewhat throwing their chances of winning the game by taking out their starting QB, it felt good as a fan of the WFT to know you get at least one more Sunday to watch your team. It was an ugly win but that has been the theme of the season. The offense has looked very mediocre and the defense grinds out tough situations for them. Their second overall pick, Chase Young, has had an instant impact and helped bring that unit to the next level. Their insanely talented defensive line, has made the rest of an average defense look way better. A lot of props should be given to their current defensive coordinator, Jack Del Rio. His coaching and second half adjustments have been crucial in the close games. I am not expecting much as the team welcomes Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this weekend but that is okay. They are almost certainly not going to win the Super Bowl this year. They need to be thinking about the future from here. I think the biggest priority they will have to address as soon as possible is the quarterback position. They need someone who can ignite their offense. A half decent offense paired with that defense would be so much better. Alex Smith, and the numerous other players who have tried, are just not good enough. They also need another weapon or two on that side of the ball. Terry McLaurin is legit but has nobody else to help with that load. Their other focuses need to be on resigning the talent they have. Brandon Scherff needs to be resigned this offseason. The DL will soon be up for contracts and should be the biggest priority of all. They need to be on this team as long as possible. All of these ideas might sound good but the biggest worry will and always should be whatever Dan Snyder is doing to the team. He is currently under investigation for the culture he allowed to take place during most of his ownership. He thinks he is trying to help the team but repeatedly has set them back. He needs to stay out of the football operations. The WFT is finally getting close to being good and having a good foundation, they can’t let it slip away again.

Trey Holsten

When Harry Met Sally... (1989)

I’ll stop you right there and tell you that this is not a post about love. When Harry Met Sally has, definitively, the best New Year’s Eve scene in all of cinematic history, which is why it wins the title of my New Year’s post. I figured I would take this opportunity to reflect on this past year and share the top ten movies and books of this past year.

Here we go.

Top 10 (Released in 2020) Movies

1. The Vast of Night

2. Mank

3. Da 5 Bloods

4. The Invisible Man

5. Palm Springs

6. The Way Back (if only because they let Affleck absolutely COOK in this)

7. Tenet

8. The Devil All the Time (if only for Robert Pattinson’s hilarious accent)

9. The Gentlemen

10. I’m Thinking of Ending Things

Top 25 New To Me Movies (couldn’t narrow this down, sorry) ((not really sorry)) (((also not in any order)))

1. Rounders (1998)

2. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

3. Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

4. About Time (2013)

5. The Social Network (2010)

6. Good Time (2017)

7. The Naked Gun (1988)

8. Moneyball (2012)

9. Mystic River (2003)

10. Hell or High Water (2016)

11. The Stranger (1946)

12. Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

13. Shutter Island (2010)

14. Prisoners (2013)

15. Tropic Thunder (2008)

16. The Master (2012)

17. Psycho (1960)

18. 12 Angry Men (1957)

19. Warrior (2011)

20. Alien (1979)

21. Being John Malkovich (1999)

22. Jaws (1975)

23. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

24. Fruitvale Station (2013)

25. V for Vendetta (2005)

Top 10 Books I Read in 2020

1. Red Rising by Pierce Brown (honestly this whole series is up there for me)

2. A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

3. Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin du Mez

4. This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

5. The Spirit of Early Christian Thought by Robert Louis Wilken

6. Unsettling Truths by Mark Charles and Soong-Chan Rah

7. The Stranger by Albert Camus (no connection to the aforementioned film of the same name)

8. Reaching Out by Henri Nouwen

9. Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright

10. What Men Live By by Leo Tolstoy

If you get to the end of this, thank you for caring. If not, thank you for reading anything I write at all! Let’s read and watch more together this year.

Cheers!

Cam

Bet on It

Time is flying! I find it hard to believe it’s January already, and 2021 at that. It’s funny to think about what I probably thought I’d be doing as a young adult when I was younger… I’m sure I thought I’d have a lot figured out by now. I always tell people that I still feel like I’m 16, figuring out who I am and who I want to be. 

On my drive back to Raleigh I was anxious. I couldn’t really place why - I was so excited to be back, ready to be back. I even realized that I’ve actually started calling Raleigh ‘home’ which I think says a lot. I turned off my music and let it be silent for a little while. Then, I just started talking to the Lord. I’ll be honest, it felt weird. I think a lot of the time I try to keep the way I interact with God through journaling or praying in my head or with a group of others. It’s been a while since I’ve just talked out loud to God like I talk to a friend.

Yet that’s who the Lord is, isn’t he? A friend - the best friend I’ve ever had. A friend I am constantly pushing aside to chase after the more attractive things that life seemingly has to offer to me. 

We are currently reading Abba’s Child for fellows and it is shaking me to my core. It feels like the author has extensively studied me and then wrote this book specifically for me.

Manning writes, “How would you respond if I asked you this question: ‘Do you honestly believe God likes you, not just loves you because theologically God has to love you?’ If you could answer with gut-level honesty, ‘Oh yes, my Abba is very fond of me,’ you would experience a serene compassion for yourself that approximates the meaning of tenderness.”

When I first truly started following Jesus, there was a freedom I felt that I’d never experienced before. I think that’s what an acknowledgement of love looks like: freedom. We can breathe more deeply and fully. We live out of knowing that we are safe. In that blanket of safety, we open ourselves up to let the one who loves us (and sees us fully) come in. But then the storm hits. Or we get caught up in routine and we try to please God by doing everything the right way. And slowly, in our legalistic view of obedience, freedom turns into a list of rules. Walls go up and we push the truest friend we’ve ever known out.

Funny how many times I’ve heard how much God loves me, and yet it can ring hollow. Of course he does. He’s God. But he loves me. The real me. God loves the Morgan that is in a bad mood after work and the Morgan that is always two steps behind whatever responsible thing I should be doing and probably should have thought about earlier. Nothing can separate his love for me. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39).

To put it simply, I am defined as someone who is loved by God. He is very fond of me. My prayer is that the sacrifice of the cross would become more real every day...

I thought I’d finish this off with a little poem I wrote a few days ago:

I’m not gonna stop

Not gonna stop till I get my shot.

That’s who I am

That is my plan

Will I end up on top?

You can 

bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it

You can bet on it, bet on it

Bet on it, bet on it (Bet on me)

I wanna make it right,

that is the way

To turn my life around, 

today is the day

Am I the type of guy who means what I say?

Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it 

You can…

bet on me

And if these words seem eerily similar to a masterpiece entitled ‘Bet on it’ from High School Musical 2 in which Troy Bolton is in his feels and runs around a golf course wearing an all black fit?? Mind your business.  <3

- morgan

Before I Dive Right into You

In middle school, I would take summer camping trips with a friend and his family over the summer at Inks Lake in Texas. We would do a lot of jet skiing and hanging out on the pontoon, but my favorite memories were when we went cliff jumping. Off of the main body of the lake was a little spot called Devil’s Waterhole with a 15-foot cliff from which to jump. I would walk up the side of the rock face and anxiously stare down at the water below. There was always a little hesitation: is the water deep enough? It’s close to 20-30 feet deep. What if I don’t jump out far enough? You have to jump out 2 feet, Austin. What if I over rotate and bellyflop?  It’ll hurt for a few minutes, that’s all. 

After running through all my questions and hesitations, I closed my eyes and leapt. A pit formed in my stomach the moment I noticed gravity forcing me downward. The hot air would rush past the sides of my body, and then the cool water would refresh me from the hot Texas sun. There’s something about those four seconds in the air where I felt the most alive. All my senses were engaged, and there was nothing that could take me out of the moment. I was hooked. On top of the 15-foot cliff was another 20-foot bolder, making for a 35-foot jump. It didn’t take long for me to get over my nerves and start leaping from there. I would jump, swim over to the side, walk up the rock face over and over for hours. I was living with zero fear. 

Devil’s Waterhole at Inks Lake

My senior year of college, I had two of my best friends convince me to go skydiving. They asked a few weeks out, and I figured it was one of those “wouldn’t it be fun if we went skydiving?” sorts of things. I said yes kind of on a whim, thinking there was no chance we’d actually go. Next thing I know it was the week they were going, and they reserved a spot for me to go with them. I guess I’m going skydiving! *nervous laughs ensue*. I tried to play it off as not a big deal, but internally I was a mess. Upon arrival to the site, employees handed me a packet of waivers that basically signed my life away in the case of an “incident.” Yeah, that gives me a sense of undeniable comfort.  The worst part, though, was the ascent to jumping altitude. Strapped into the lap of a 65-year-old man named Jerry, I was forced to come to terms with the idea that I was about to jump from a perfectly operable plane. Meanwhile, Jerry tried to make small talk with me, trying to make light of the situation. His large belly would press into my back with each chuckle he let out.  Needless to say, my confidence in Jerry preventing my impending death was not at an all time high. 

As we approached the door to the plane, I felt my stomach flipping. We did the classic and ever so anticipated, “On the count of three! One, two, jump!” As Jerry threw us out of the plane, adrenaline shot to every cell in my body. My skin lit up as all the cold air races by my body. Cheeks flapping, I recall letting out an inaudible “Wow.”  It didn’t feel like falling. Again, there was nothing that could take me from being present in enjoying that experience. I don’t think I stopped smiling until 20 minutes after we landed.

My skydiving crew

If there is any word to describe me, it would be thoughtful. I am capable of thinking deeply but also susceptible to overthinking. As a result, I am naturally hesitant towards risks. On one hand, thinking through scary situations keeps me from making poor decisions. But on the other, it can prevent me from some truly wonderful experiences. It’s only after I take that leap of faith do I understand how taking meaningful risks leads to some of the most life-giving moments. 

This December I was met with a precarious and exciting situation, especially considering what the last few months of my life held. Naturally, I began to proceed with attentiveness, trying to discern where my heart was at and whether or not this is something God wanted for me to pursue. Had I healed enough? Was this something that I was ready for? Searching my heart took a lot of introspection, counsel, and prayer. The phrase I kept throwing around to people was cautious optimism.

I’ll be honest, I expected people to applaud my caution. Instead, I had many tell me it seemed like I was hesitating TOO much. My thought process about all of it didn’t raise any red flags to them. Rather, they advised I shouldn’t miss out on how exciting all this was. Then, every morning prayer for discernment was literally answered within the day with assurance that this was something God wanted me to pursue. Turns out, I just needed to give myself permission to move forward with all of it and take that leap.

I did. And I couldn’t be happier about it. 

 For the love,

Austin

You didn’t ask for it, but here it is again: my list of lyrics I’ve been resonating with this month: 

So much on my mind, I think I think too much

Read between these lines, unspoken weight of words

But time comes to rest when you are by my side, it blurs

And I will follow where this takes me

And my tomorrows long to be unknown

-Stone by Alessia Cara

I don't say what’s on my mind quite as much as you'd like me to

I've been hearing that my whole life, I promise, it's not just you

But I so confidently want you that

When you say you're insecure about my feelings I don't take it serious

But if you need me to tell you more

You're one of the few things that I'm sure of

You're one of the few things that I know already

I could build my world of

One of the few things that I'm sure of

And I want you to unravel me

Come closer, come closer

-The Few Things by JP Saxe

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly

Here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than

10,000 rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby

Unless you mean it

And don't tell me you need me

If you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you 

-Dive by Ed Sheeran

Alexa, play 2021 by Vampire Weekend

Well folks, that’s she all wrote. The year with the worst Rotten Tomatoes score of all time has come to an end. 2020, you were fun for like 3 months right at the beginning, then evolved into some terrible fever dream we wished we could wake up from. Honestly, I’m sitting here, writing this blog on December 31st and I have absolutely no idea how on God’s green Earth I got here. But alas! I made it, and so did you, the splendid and beautiful human who is reading this! That alone is worth celebrating. Truthfully, it feels weird making light of a year which involved so much sadness and pain on so many levels. 2020 has given me some of the clearest glimpses of brokenness I have seen to date. A pandemic which has taken too many people from us too soon, racial injustice highlighting hatred and dissonance in our country which runs far deeper than we care to admit, isolation, depression, and a world on its knees begging for its creator to come and make things right. It’s enough to make anyone disheartened to the nth degree. 

If I had to pick, I’d probably vote this year up as this hardest year of my life. That alone is kinda annoying because it’s like giving the class bully the satisfaction of knowing he’s gotten to you. But truly, this year has been the epitome of a roller coaster. I got to experience some of the most fun I could have imagined with my old college roommates (Goobie Gang) the first portion of the year, and even more with my current roomies (Fellows babes). But, despite being the bookends joy, my old friend Sorrow was intimately woven into most all of my experiences for the year. He and I go way back, someone I have gotten to experience a lot of time and life with. This summer, he and I were together more often than I can remember, and at the time, I saw him as a nuisance who I wanted nothing to do with. I mean c’mon, he was making me sad and I didn’t want to be sad. I wanted everything to be sunshine and rainbows and light and warm! I think I had been walking through life doing my best to maximize happiness and joy, and avoid / diminish sadness and pain when it arose. I kinda just thought that’s how things worked. Life was about optimization, and fostering space where I get the maximum return on my emotional investments. Happiness was doing it correctly, and sadness was a sign of doing it incorrectly. 

Well, 22 years of this pattern did me dirty. I was at odds with too many pieces of myself to count. In a year like 2020, where themes of sadness and despair are nearly unavoidable in some regard, I was the epitome of ill equipped to handle what was coming. I saw Sorrow as an enemy to the state, a man trying his best to ruin the joy of life, a signal of what’s wrong with me. He was an intruder who I desperately tried evicting from my psyche. When Sorrow began feeling pain so deeply it felt to infiltrate every fiber of my being, I hurled insults at him. Statements like “Why are you here? You idiot! You are doing such a profoundly bad job. You’re so unwanted. Stop being sad and just grow up. Can’t you do anything right?” were commonplace. I beat down and broke Sorrow. He was scared, and why wouldn’t he be. I had convinced myself Sorrow was a sign of my weakness and incapability, a monument to my failures. 

“If I had done a better job being with the Lord, I never would have gotten to this place. If only I had sought help sooner, I wouldn’t be here right now. It’s my own fault. You made your bed Tommy, now you deserve every ounce of pain you are experiencing.”

I accepted my identity as a man who had fallen so short of the standards laid out before me that it felt only logical that God felt the same way about me. I had subconsciously adopted a view of God in which he felt that I was his troubled child. That he was watching my patterns with disappointment and a deep sigh of exhaustion. “Look at Tommy, messing it up again”. Well, your boy limped through most of 2020 getting the absolute crap kicked out of him by none other than himself. I took every opportunity to throw a mean haymaker at myself whenever I fell short of any little standard I had. Grace was replaced with condemnation. And I dragged my butt through. It took a long time, lots of hard conversations, being confronted with the grace and love of my friends around me (shout out the boys), consistency (shout out Jeb and Austin among others), and God himself (shout out the Trinity) to help heal these wounds.

At the beginning of December, I penned a letter to my old friend Sorrow. I apologized to him for the first time in my life. I thanked him for teaching me how to feel deeply and empathize with the pain of others. I told him I am thankful for all he has done for me and I love having him around. There was nothing inherently wrong with him being around, and there was nothing inherently wrong with me. For the first time in a long time, I felt the deep and piercing warmth of forgiveness, grace, and restoration in myself. For the first time in a long time, I could look into Jesus’s face and not for a second doubt how deeply pleased he was with me. 

2020, you did not make it easy. Yet, God took all the crap you threw my way and touched my heart with love. So for that, I thank you. Cheers to 2021! Time to play 2021 by Vampire Weekend on repeat.

It wasn't all so bad...

2020 is the year that will always be remembered as the year that the world went to…well…shit.  This year of course was full of disappointments: the loss of my senior season of rowing, cancelled graduation (not once, but twice), and the subtle yet overwhelming feeling of things being incomplete and unfinished.  Even with all of the loss and challenges the world faced this year, there was a lot of change.  With change comes growth.  To shout out John 15 once more – there is indeed beauty in the pruning, in the uprooting of our lives.  As I reflect on this past year, I can’t help but feel gratitude for how the Lord worked through the pain and loss.   Even though some things about 2020 will always weigh heavy, there is a lot of good to be remembered as well.  Some big, some small, some things that just make me smile:

·       My last practice as a UVA rower: it was the morning of March 12, we were practicing in our lineup for our opening race of the season in Oak Ridge, TN.  We had just spent the last several days completing a seat racing matrix to determine the fastest lineups, I had done well and had earned the seat I was sitting in.  The boat felt quick and the pickup was light. We were movin’ n groovin’ if you will.  More important than how fast we were, were the eight other girls in that boat with me.   Some of those girls had been with me since the beginning and we had been through it all together.  There was something so beautiful about sharing that moment with them and I can’t help but think God knew what he was doing there.  To be able to hold that memory as my last time rowing in a boat is one that I will always look back on fondly.

·       Saturday night boat rides on Lake Gaston with CWR summer staff: as I am writing this I can feel the warm summer evening breeze, I can hear Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift playing through the boat speakers, and I see the faces of some of my favorite people on this earth all piled on a boat.  There is something inexplainable about the feeling of wakeboarding or wake surfing at sunset.  The water is calm, its like cutting glass – nothing compares.  When I think about those evenings, I can’t help but feel a wave of happy endorphins.   One of those “make you fall in love with life” kinda moments.

·       Summer Road trip with Laura: there is so much I could say about the beauty of all the places we saw and how connected I feel to the Lord in nature, but I won’t bore you with those painfully obvious facts of a cross country road trip.  Instead, I am going to talk about the music.  Thankfully Laura and I share a very similar taste in music so there was no conflict about what we would listen to during our many hours of driving. Every morning when we got in the car, we would play worship music for the first few hours.  What made that time so meaningful was that we never discussed that we would start our mornings with worship music, it just always happened.  There wasn’t much talking, but it was time to worship and listen to the Lord, to reflect, and to just be.  I don’t think I fully appreciated those moments when I was in them, but now they are some of my favorite memories.

·       Living at Home: if you had asked me a year ago if I would want to finish college living at home with my parents I would have said no and never blinked.  Those 3 months living with my parents were a gift.  Were they perfect?  No, but they were unexpected and had God’s handiwork written all over it.  It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but in those 3 months I grew to appreciate all my parents had done for me throughout my life to shape me into the person I am today.  They are some of the most selfless people I have ever met, constantly putting others before themselves.  There will never be two people who love and care for me in the same way they do and they are a clear picture of God’s unconditional love.

Thank you 2020 for teaching me to slow down, to sit, and to just be.  To stop running to what is next, but to walk and enjoy the moment, enjoy the place, and most of all enjoy the people that God has set before me. 

— Sara

fellows: a playlist

[songs + memories: first half of fellows]

aka- lots of driving, lots of sunsets

Decimal by Novo Amor: I thought I had an idea of what my perfect day would look like, until one unassuming Saturday came along back in September. I woke up, no plans for the day, to a text from Brooke saying “It’s your weather my girl it feels like fall”, to which i immediately went out to the porch with a blanket and coffee and just sat in the unexpected chilly weather. Eventually I moved inside, reading, listening to Billy Joel through the record player, the sun coming in just right through the window. Morgan and I ended up going downtown- walking around, buying plants and flowers, sitting in the park under a perfectly blue sky. On the drive home Morgan queued up Decimal, and hearing that play while driving up Glenwood, light streaking in through the trees, perfectly tied together just half of one of my favorite days this year. // AND this song playing while Brooke, Austin, and I sat in silence on the rocking chairs at Camp Oak Hill, the sun setting over the trees and the lake, everything glowing a perfect golden-orange hue? Amen. Song of the semester. 

Forever by Distant Cousins: Maddie and I drove around Raleigh one night, just talking and looking at houses and getting lost. On our way back home, Maddie had on her old high school playlist and this song started playing. Almost immediately all the windows were down, the sunroof was open, and we blasted this song while we drove up a quiet, dark, empty street. The tunnel scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower? That’s what this felt like for a moment!

King Street by Eleni Drake: Walking around Shelley Lake park around sunset. The tops of the trees glowing yellow and orange from the setting sun, the lake mostly still, air surprisingly chilly, King Street playing through my headphones but quiet enough that I could hear the crickets chirping all around me- having to just close my eyes for a second to take it all in.

Bones by Ben Howard: Night drives down back roads with Morgan with the windows down, no need for words or much talking- being alone but together. 

Raising Cain by Gregory Alan Isakov: I don’t particularly like rain. And sometimes I don’t particularly enjoy the long stretches of silence and emptiness of the library (especially when it’s still early in the day and I haven’t fully woken up yet). But this morning the silence and the stillness and the lack of the hum of the printer felt comfortable, and wanted, as I just watched the rain fall, read out of Every Moment Holy, and listened to Gregory play in the background. 

Downtown by Macklemore: Driving back from the Micah 6:8 retreat with Austin, Tommy, Morgan, and Sarah was probably one of my favorite drives so far. The windows were down, the music was fun, we danced, the sun was shining, the backroads were lined with trees in perfect fall colors the entire ride home. The chorus blasting through the speakers + all of the previously mentioned stuff combined was just a perfect little moment from a really, really good weekend. 

Iris by Phoebe Bridgers and Maggie Rogers: Sarah, Morgan, Brooke, and I went to Falls Lake one evening right before sunset. We knew of this big random grassy space by the water, and we sat around on blankets listening to the best cover of Iris to exist as the sun was setting and the trees surrounding the lake were glowing amber and red and the clouds in the sky looked like pink cotton candy. 

Evermore [the album] by Taylor Swift: Taylor announcing a new album out of nowhere means freaking out about it all day with your roommates, and then staying up until midnight to listen to it the second it's released. Morgan, Sarah, and I took a midnight drive around Raleigh, playing Taylor’s new album while also trying to look at Christmas lights, and I just don’t think there’s a better way to do it then that. 

Defying Gravity by Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth: The best way to show someone your favorite Broadway music is to put in your headphones and perform the song yourself; complete with improv choreography and spoons as microphones. I’ll always laugh thinking about Brooke and I’s Broadway hour in the kitchen one night, and ending with a grand finale of doing Defying Gravity together (one airpod per person, duh) right before our friends came over for Bachelorette Wednesday. 

monthly music recommendations: coney island (ft. the national) by taylor swift, souvenir by julien baker, home by noah gundersen, skydive by postcard boy, afterthought by joji, c u by benee, still unbeaten life by gang of youths

— jen kunin

December

If there’s one thing I wish I had appreciated more when I was younger, it’s hiking with my dad. I’ll never forget one hike we did with my sister, through the snow, with no mountain top view at the end. Just walking through the woods wearing three layers of clothes. Only the trail markers on the trees kept us on track, and we’d glance up from our feet every once in a while to see the neighboring mountain range next to us through the barren trees. As my dad walked in front of me, we realized that the trail was actually really rocky underneath the snow. So, he would carefully take steps, I would literally step into his tracks in the snow (unless he slipped, then I’d try stepping somewhere else), and my sister did the same behind me. I couldn’t even tell you what trail we did or where we even were, but I think it was one of those mundane-but-holy images I’ll never get out of my head: The simplicity of closely following someone I trusted, the intentionality and care of each step.

I’ve come to think of the Christian life in a similar way — as walking down a narrow path (Matthew 7:13-14). But similar to a double-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12), I picture this path as being right between all these dichotomies, as we often find ourselves living in the tensions of:

Vulnerability and sanctification

Grace and truth

Being image bearers and sinners

Doubt and faith

Wisdom and humility

Godliness and authenticity

Self-assertion and self-abandonment

Newness and remembrance

Independence and dependence

Bearing with and calling higher

Tenderness and boldness

Joy and grief

Throughout all of Fellows, but especially this month, I’ve found myself wrestling with these — the “edges” of the narrow path if you will. There’s a place in life for each of them, and if all this didn’t make your head hurt, I’ve also realized how often we confuse them. Boldness with offense, faith with certainty, calling higher with judgement, doubt with unbelief, humility with self-deprecation, tenderness with taking everything personally, the list goes on (and on and on).

I had been asking the “where’s the line” question for a few weeks, but I realized that might be too simplistic. I don’t think God expects us to walk perfectly across a tightrope our whole lives. To believe that reflects an incredibly fragile view of Him. Also, to sift through this list requires both generalized wisdom and discernment in the moment. It’s so exhaustingly nuanced to even think about, let alone put into practice.

So, how the heck are we supposed to live these out? When’s the time for one over the other? For both? If it wasn’t obvious yet, I don’t have an answer for you. We walk in so much grey. However, although there may be no fine line we can easily point to, there is this path, right smack dab in the middle of all this complexity. Now, the path itself doesn’t matter as much, except maybe to remind us that the presence of mystery doesn’t mean that truth is absent. What really matters is who it was paved by — The Great Paradox that is the life of Jesus:

The lowly infant King. The Beloved Son hated and humiliated. The Prince of Peace with a sword. Our Man of Sorrows crucified for the joy set before Him. The Holy One befriending sinners. The Rescuer forsaken. The Righteous dying for rebels, enemies and deniers.

This is who we follow and take after as we walk this narrow path. The Christmas story reminds us of the mystery we find ourselves immersed in. Don’t get me wrong though, there is urgency and care needed for each step. The path is narrow. But, there’s also so much grace — it’s safe to stumble. Our trust is not in our ability to follow perfectly, but in Who paved the way and His promise to be with us always.

To close, there’s two peculiar things to note about this path. First, as we look to the One leading us, we find ourselves becoming like Him. This isn’t just about reaching a destination. We are molded and transformed as we walk. Second, I’ve realized that the narrow path is simultaneously some sort of bridge. As we follow our Savior, not only do we find ourselves having the capacity to miraculously exhibit seemingly dichotomous virtues, we see God bring together even the most incompatible people. Is this not His heart for our world? Jesus has always had a way of unifying the seemingly irreconcilable. And what a time for us to be doing the same.

Questions and Quotes —

• Cane’s or Zaxby’s?

• “He predicted that with the rise of technology and communication, people wouldn’t be deprived of information, but rather they would be given so much that they would become passive and egocentric. He feared that ‘truth would be lost in a sea of irrelevance’.” — Alisa Childers on Neil Postman’s, Amusing Ourselves to Death

• What do you need to hear right now? 

• “A chief part of wisdom is learning to not only articulate and defend one’s position, but also understand and manage one’s suspicions.” — Joe Rigney

• If you could only get the same Christmas gift every year, for the rest of your life, what would you ask for?

• “Humility. That’s the cost of unity. Is it too high a cost? Time will tell.” — Thabiti Anyabwile

— Brooke

The fun is not limited to Raleigh

November was full of lots of retreats and traveling. We had a retreat to Camp Oak Hill for our Micah 6:8 discussions. We got to listen to David from Jobs 4 Life speak to us on the topic of inequality in our society. I really enjoyed him talking and all of his points on how we can progress in a Christlike way. We also had a group games competition and won (maintain). The last night we played glow in the dark dodgeball and I had way too much fun beaming people. The weekend following that I got to work a Super High retreat at Camp Willow Run. It was great to be back and see lots of friend and get paid to “hangout.” I will never get tired of going there. During the week after working that retreat, we had to prepare for our next Fellows retreat. We were having a career vocational retreat at Ashley’s lake house. But before we went, we had to take all these random tests about our skills, emotions, and motivations. While taking all of them, I had many moments of frustration. They seemed to be very pointless such as one that had us folding paper and poking holes in the paper. I just saw no connection to anything as far as a career. I was very unsure of what the weekend would hold. The speaker Seth was able to explain them much more clearly than I expected. All of the results were on a scale and either way did not necessarily mean something bad. It pointed me to various careers including business ones but ultimately I really enjoyed seeing what my skills are. I want to use the results when I am looking for a full time job to ensure I am using all of my potential at work. I wish I was not so quick to judge after taking some of the tests. While there I also got to show my fellow Fellow Cam, Grandpa’s BBQ in Littleton. It was great just to hang and talk to him. On Monday we left the lake house and I went home for Thanksgiving. It was great to be home and see my family and Rosie and Scout. I got to eat some great roast beef and have some home cooked meals from my mom for the first time in a while. We shot a pistol, went to Topgolf and also played normal golf (although not well). As my Emotional Intelligence test showed, I had a November filled with great experiences and joy (enough to be late on this blog).

Trey Holsten

Emotions? Who?

Well once again Gentry Williamson here coming in last place for Blog finisher!!! GIVE IT UP PEOPLE!

What I have realized over the last couple months is I have a very low emotional self awareness. Although this sounds super negative I have learned that it definitely comes with strengths and weaknesses that play out in my everyday life. One of those weaknesses being my consistent procrastination in writing this blog. The creation of my masterpieces, also known as blogs, come at a slight cost. They cause me to become uncomfortable, sit still, and check in with my emotional heart that I often just leave behind in the depths of my being. These moments are uncomfy for me, and so of course it’s not my activity of choice on a Tuesday evening. But besides all of that I have learned that sitting and connecting with my emotions is good. Finding some calm throughout my crazy life, and listening to my self amongst all of the noises and voices in my life that I usually choose to listen to. It is a process and a skill that I will continue to learn, fight against, and hopefully grow in. Maybe over this Christmas season my heart will grow three sizes… We Shall See

Much Love!

• Gentry

Soundtrack of my Life

Earlier in November, the fellows were meeting with Jason Young for our Family Systems Theory Class. While in class, Jason mentioned how he missed the times when people would create CD soundtracks for friends and family. He then challenged us to create a soundtrack for our life: a list of songs that would be played if there was ever a movie made about us. Immediately, I started jotting down my songs, and soon enough I had myself a pretty sweet soundtrack.

This grouping of songs is a rough draft, but I think it is an interesting way to share a story. As the songs progress, the story of my life is sung. Everything from my childhood, to meeting the Lord, to finding purpose, finding love, and being sent. Feel free to look up the playlist on Spotify and give it a listen! 

1. Carmen Ohio Vocal (From the 1916 Ohio State Song Book) by The Ohio State University Marching Band

2. Daddy Lessons by Beyonce and The Chicks

3. Young & Wild by the Strumbellas

4. Turning Out by AJR

5. All Time Low - Acoustic by Jon Bellion

6. The Judge - by Twenty One Pilots

7. Woke The F*ck Up - Jon Bellion

8. A Prayer - Kings Kaleidoscope

9. Psalm 34 (Live) - Shane & Shane

10. Awake My Soul - Mumford & Sons

11. Stupid Deep - Acoustic by Jon Bellion

12. Head to the Heart (Live) by United Pursuit

13. Next Up Forever by AJR

14. Rich Kids by Judah and the Lion

15. help me to give by You Me & the Bread

16. Thinking ‘Bout Love by Wild Rivers

17. Lover by Taylor Swift

18. Migraine by Twenty One Pilots

19. The Perfect Space by The Avett Brothers

20. Emmanuel’s Land by You Me & the Bread

21. Benediction (Romans 11) by You Me & the Bread

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7uesXbVCqCVb9fiAyUX5qQ?si=RiERaXXpQhWo-o_krkTocQ 

(p.s The Gas line is fixed!!!)

-Maddie

when I leave, you better be a good man

Maybe it’s the act of writing these blogs, but I feel like each month of fellows brings a distinct theme to be etched onto my heart. Vulnerability in September. Volatility in October. Vocation in November. VVVery interesting (it’s not funny, but I’m still laughing). 

When I say vocation, I mean it in the more general calling sense. Yes, we had a great career and vocation retreat, but the bulk of this month (and the whole fellows experience for me thus far) has centered on healing a wounded heart. Living with agonizing heartache for what feels like ages, I kept pleading to God return things back to normal. 

And God’s response was, “What if the whole point of this season is not to return back to normal? What if instead I’m starting a new thing in you?”

Well played, God. Well played. 

This response prompted a journey of self-discovery. For someone who considers himself to be already fairly self-aware, I was blown away by all the things God revealed about how He wired me. I learn about my motivations, behavioral tendencies, and where/how I get kinked up*. This led to conversations with wise counsel that yielded practical steps to grow into who He made me to be. Perhaps just as exciting, I’m beginning to like the person He’s making out of me. 

For the first time since being in Raleigh, I’m able to look forward and actually believe that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I had known this to be true in my head for awhile, but this is the first time I started to believe it in my heart.

 Of course, the heart still ebbs and flows. There’s still perseverating and heart-sinking reminders. But now with a taste of what’s to come, I can weather the storms a little bit better now. PTL.

For the love,

Austin

*No shaming

Once again, my long list of lyrics that hit me right in the feels:

They say heartbreak always hurts the worst the first time
You feel you're gonna die, you're blind, it's hard to see

-       In a Stranger’s Arms by LÉON 

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough, you're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on, chew on my heart

-       Chew on My Heart by James Bay 

Oh, the habits of my heart

I can't say no

It's ripping me apart

You get too close

You make it hard to let you go

-       Habits of My Heart by Jaymes Young

This entire song. Yes. 

-       Me describing I Don’t Care by Charlotte Sands

Be gentle with me

Have patience with me

Oh, 'cause I've been in the corner of my mind that tells me

I'm not good enough for anybody like you

Help me out, you know I need you like water 

-       Water by Bishop Briggs

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Take me back to the night we met

-       The Night We Met by Lord Huron 

Don't go to war for me

I'm not the one that you want me to be

Don't call me up at 2 a.m. tonight

It feels so damn good and I wish you would

And don't cry no more for me

Don't waste your time convincing me

That maybe someday we'll get it right

Cause we never could, I wish that we would

But we won't, so just don't

-       We Won’t by Jaymes Young

No matter how it ends

No matter all your sin

I hope you will understand

When I leave, you better be a good man

-       west texas by Greyson Chance 

And I'll keep praying I make it

Like someone worth saving

I still got some fight left inside me

I've been down, I've been down

Burning up like fever

Better days, better days

Are not so far away

I've been lost, I've been found

Now I believe in

Better days, better days

Are not so far away

-       Better Days by Hedley  

Tired and worn from the patterns I've carved

I will do better in the morning

I'm afraid of who I'd be without you

I will do better in the morning

-       Better in the Morning by Birdtalker 

Times get tough

But I don't give up

'Cause I know I'm not alone

'Cause we all reaching for something

We're all craving change

Hopin' tomorrow, tomorrow

Is better than today

-       Better Than Today by Rhys Lewis  

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

My two front teeth, see my two front teeth

Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth

Then I could wish you, Merry Christmas

-       All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth by Alvin and the Chipmunks

November

November has been packed. So many joys, lots on my mind (as always), so much has happened. However, amidst the fullness of this month, I’ve felt pretty stagnant with the Lord. It’s been such discipline just to remember Him or even pray. So annoying! There’s nothing quite as frustrating as spiritual stagnancy while being literally surrounded by a community of believers with a full schedule that gives me every reason to even just think about Jesus. Thankfully listening to a sermon yesterday made me realize one potential reason for drifting from Him: a lack of beauty.

In her book, On Beauty and Being Just, Elaine Scarry claims we have this infinite, bottomless appetite for beauty. Tim Keller goes even further (in that sermon I listened to) to note how there is such a thing as too much food or too much sex, but never is there such thing as too much beauty. We can over-consume to the point of ruining numerous earthly pleasures, but not beauty. Our appetite for it is insatiable. “We cannot avoid our pursuit of beauty”, he concludes.

Despite this unavoidable desire, our culture has really distorted the category of beauty. I’d argue it’s because we’re only really interested in things that are useful to us. This started in the realm of self- and societal-narratives, when we decided we were more interested in narratives that arouse and/or align with our emotions and desires as opposed to the truth. For example, I’ve heard it said that, in general, Americans nowadays aren’t asking if Christianity is true, they’re asking if it’s useful. What does this have to do with beauty you may be asking? While sometimes helpful to ask, this question of usefulness not only defiles beauty in my opinion, but I’d say the two are almost opposites. The very nature of beauty, Scarry argues, is to find something satisfying for what it is in itself. Not for what we could use it for. You don’t ask, “How can I use this sunset?” just experiencing it is enough.

This is what causes me to grow uninterested or disillusioned in God: when I forget the discipline of simply basking in the beauty of His word, creation, of Him. When I lose sight of God’s beauty and project this desire for usefulness onto Him, two things happen. First, slowly I begin to only come to Him when I’ve exhausted every other option or pleasure. It doesn’t take long for me to become a modern-day prodigal son who wishes for his father’s death so that he can enjoy his inheritance. Second, I begin to believe that He only desires my usefulness: what I can do to serve Him, honor Him, etc. This both reflects and motivates a wrong view of who He is and who I am to Him, leading to further relational distance and disinterest.

So, what breaks me out of this? A divine intervention of beauty. If God only wanted us for our usefulness, then why on earth did Jesus horrifically scream, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 24:46) and willfully die the most brutal death on the cross? What does He get out of us? 

Nothing. 

If there was nothing useful about us, Keller argues, that must mean one thing: Christ saw us, every awful and mildly pleasant part of us, and somehow found us to be beautiful. Us! Beautiful! Once we know this, we then begin to see God as He rightly is: the most beautiful, glorious being to ever exist. It’s only then will we be able to say, along with David, that even if we experience the greatest external and internal earthly nightmares imaginable, all we need is this one thing:

“One thing have I asked of the Lord,

that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

and to inquire in his temple.”

Psalm 27:4  (ESV)

Questions and Quotes — 

• “It can make sense, connect with you emotionally, confirm what you always thought, and STILL not be true.” — Lisa Fields

• Are you a sit-inside Cookout loyal? Or are you a drive-thru / sit-outside loyal?

• “Never petition God for something without seeing that the very thing you ask for is in God already.” — Tim Keller (Gospel in Life Sermon #498 on Contemplation)

• How do you wait for something that isn’t guaranteed?

• “At the moment we see something beautiful, we undergo a radical decentering.”  — Elaine Scarry, On Beauty and Being Just

• What’s missing?

• “How did you know she’s a Nazi?!” “Talks in her sleep.” - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

— Brooke