One last time!

On my dresser I have a framed poem by Mary Oliver (yes I started the year quoting her and I will end the year doing so too) that basically summarizes the thesis of all her work. I also think of it as my mantra for life of sorts. It reads:

Instructions for living a life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.

In one of our first classes with Jason Young, he gave an eerily similar “instruction” (and I wonder if he was subconsciously influenced by Mary Oliver, too): show up; pay attention; tell the truth.

As I have been beginning the process of reflecting back on these past 9 months as Fellows wraps up, these words have been coming back to me. I remember Ashley challenging us on our first retreat to really lean in this year. Then, Jason literalized this same sentiment when he told us in class to physically lean in, to actually orient our bodies towards each other and incline slightly when we speak to each other. Wherever you are, be all there. Don’t miss it. Hang on to every word and listen with your whole body, your whole being.

This year we have been asked to live out these life instructions. To show up, to bring our full selves, to share our truths, to pay attention to what God is doing in and around us. And I can truthfully say I am astonished by the good work the Father has done since I moved to Raleigh last August.

There were times when leaning in felt painful. I know some days, I missed it. My back got sore from all this leaning and I would sit up and turn away. But I think more days than not, I leaned in. And I think the same is true for the 11 other wonderful, unique, weird, truly amazing Fellows here. It blows my mind that I did not know a single one of these people 9 months ago…. Because now I know FAR too much! (gross)

In all seriousness - I can honestly say that every one of them has taught me something new about God, enriched my life, and made me a better person. It’s funny to think back on some of the early weeks of the program, and how much has changed since then. How much we have grown individually and as a group. How much our capacity to hold each other’s $hit has increased. How much weirder/cringier/more inappropriate our jokes have gotten (is there such a thing as too far? Raleigh Fellows seem to think not, thankfully!). How much more I LOVE these people.

I am so grateful every one of us decided to lean in, to really show up and pay attention this year. To Maddie, Tommy, Brooke, Austin, Morgan, Gentry, Jen, Cam, Sara, Jeb, and Trey: thank you. Thank you for holding my shit. Thank you for letting me hold yours. Thank you for making my stomach hurt from laughing, and my face hurt from crying. I’m excited for all the memories to come. We’re just getting started! 

And thank you to my amazing host family, the lovely Marsha and Harry Whyte, and to our fearless leader Ashley. Thank you to all the wonderful leaders and mentors. Each of you has added so much to this program and to my life.

May we never forget the good work the Father did in Raleigh in 2020-2021. May we continue to abide. May we always show up and pay attention, be astonished, and tell about it in truth and grace.

xox,

Sarah

Into the Mystery...

I remember arriving in Raleigh full of excitement, hopeful for answers, and expectant in how the Lord would work in my life.  But even in the beginning I was dreaming about the end.  Who would I be?  What would be important to me? What impact would I have?  I was so focused on getting to the end because at the the end lied answers and a clear path.  But now that we are here, the mystery of the future still lingers and I am still asking those same questions.  If the last nine months have taught me anything is that I will never stop asking myself those questions and I never should.

As we begin the process of reflection on fellows, there is so much to be said, emotions to be felt, and moments of stillness to be embraced.  What sticks out the most is the word gentleness.  Throughout fellows I found myself continually asking the Lord to soften my heart to myself, to others, and to the world.  That I would see the beauty in the way He created me and how he delights in who He made me to be.  When I am caught up in the pursuit of more, that I would not miss the beauty of where I am at and being a broken creation of the Lord.  That I would not be afraid to dream in fear of those longings and desires not being fulfilled.  

This spirit of gentleness that I prayed for is now slowly taking over my heart and mind, it feels like chains breaking free!!! I now find myself dreaming of the family I hope to have one day. Dreaming of a house that is open and inviting, a space where people of all walks of life can gather.  Where my kids are running around smiling, laughing, learning, and knowing the love of God every day.  The beauty in the freedom to dream is so sweet and a gift from the Lord.  He knows my future kids by name, their little quirks that will make them unique, and burdens they will bear.  To think He already knows people that I will come to love so deeply and unconditionally is a reminder to me of His grandeur and vastness.   Nine months ago I would never have allowed myself to put words to these dreams and how freeing and joyful it is to know that these words are a work of his hands!!

No words will ever be able to express my gratitude for the last nine months. The sacrifices and acts of service made by others to care for me when I was undeserving. This fellows community is a clear picture of Christ and his unconditional love. That even in our brokenness, we get to live this beautiful life in communion with one another, with a Father who yearns for our hearts daily - how did we get so lucky?!!

Who knows what the next months and years will hold, but how comforting it is to know that He is guiding my every step, walking hand in hand alongside me as He says,  “Sara, follow me into the mystery”   

— Sara

may xx

It’s May and I can’t believe that my time in fellows is coming to a close. Even with this realization, it’s funny how much time I’ve spent thinking about all that is to come after this ends but spent hardly any time thinking about right now, almost at the end. In my first blog post I wrote that I felt like God was asking me, “Morgan, will you lean in? Will you lean into me? Will you be all in with me?” and that “I still don’t truly know how to sit at Jesus’ feet and not try to rush around, earning his love that he never asked me to strive for.” 

I still resonate with that. But I think I’ve learned so much about the simple truth of the way the Lord truly, truly delights in me. This year has felt like wrestling at the head level, like learning how to press in instead of running away. I’ve been reminded time and time again that I can’t do anything in my own strength, and what I can do on my own holds no lasting joy. The cross has felt distant and then close. The pure holiness of God has reminded me of the depth of my sin.  I’ve grown in appreciation for the process of trusting the slow work of God.

To start the year I wrote an ode to the next 9 months. I want to end with an ode to the next steps: (in italics under my original poem from the beginning of the year)

Here in Raleigh-town!

Here in Raleigh-oh what you are now to me.

This time has been long-awaited, yet loosely anticipated.

This time has gone in the blink of an eye, yet all it holds is vast and deep.

Already, already

Again, again

I feel that this is the place.

I feel that what was done here will take me far.

Not of anything that I’ve done. Not of the things I could do.

Not of what I’ve collected from others. Not of who I want to be.

Not even of the people I’m surrounded by that hold my heart and its contents so carefully.

Not even of the ways that I have been loved by those around me in ways I didn’t know were possible.

But the Lord is here. He is evident, profound.

But the Lord has always been with me. He is steadfast, unwavering.

Waiting, always waiting for me to sit still with him.

Waiting, actively waiting for me to see how much bigger his field of vision is than mine.

And he is using me?

And he is renewing me?

He is, 

He is,

Using me.

Renewing me.

---

Thank you, class of 2021sters - I will treasure these friendships forever. Each of you possess a unique, eternal value that only you can bring to this community and world and it does not go unnoticed. Thank you Ashley, for the ways you’ve sacrificed this year and cared for me. Thank you Mom and Dad for your unwavering support, it has meant the world to me. I don’t know what the future holds but I’ve never felt more confident that I am where I’m supposed to be and that the Lord has something to show me in all of this and that there is no right formula. May I trust Christ more tomorrow than I do today - amen.

- morgan

Practice Run

So, for those of you who do not know, I was in a car accident near the end of March (which was my fault, not a great look). Thankfully everyone was okay, but not so thankfully, my truck of the last 6 years was not so lucky. We’ll now take a brief moment of silence to honor Bessy, the 2001 Taco(ma)...... 

Thank you

Well, as you guys are well aware, it’s difficult to exist in today’s world without a vehicle, especially when you are working in person. Now, I assumed that getting a new car would be a headache, but a headache I’d have squared away before I had to give back my rental in a couple weeks time. Well, you know what they say about assuming... you look like a big ol idiot. Let’s just say a month of being carless, with two weeks of borrowing Jeb’s car for work tacked on at the end there (the largest King move of 2021, ily Jeb), I now have a car and I could not be more excited to be able to drive again. One of my first real adulting experiences ruthlessly kicked my ass-umptions of how it would go. It was one dang good practice run for life!

When telling the boys I needed a car for the second week in a row, Austin Kinne said with a grin, “One day Tommy, one day you won’t see us helping you as an inconvenience”. The son of a gun knows me too well. My escapade without a car left me painfully aware of how uncomfortable dependency makes me. Having to ask others for help always makes me feel disjointed, off balance even. I always wince at the idea of inconveniencing someone else with my problems, telling myself I am loving people better by not burdening them. Yet, this year has slowly pried open the armor I have placed around my heart and allowed the Lord’s mercies and truths to shine through. 

“If dependence (on God) is the goal, then weakness is an advantage” How does my daily view of dependence permeate and affect my view of it with my heavenly father. How much does my day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute denial of my need for other’s help convince me that I do not need God’s help. How quickly does my vision become blurred, and how easily tricked am I into thinking I am capable of doing literally anything apart from my Father’s strength. I hate being dependent. I can confidently say I do not enjoy seeking other’s help. I enjoy the illusion that I can do all things by myself. Funny how much I enjoy being wrong isn’t it? But, I’ve noticed I enjoy it far less than I used to. The car buying experience was a very practical analogy for what a lot of this year has been like for me. It’s reassuring to know that my God is a father who loves me so much that he doesn’t want me to have to go through life on my own. Loneliness follows my perceived independence like a sad shadow, and my God is a light who casts out such lies. The pressure cooker that the last few weeks has indeed been a good practice run for life. 

Learning with each passing day to embrace my weakness, and allow the Lord to use it to his advantage.

- Tommy Rychener

Ps: I got McDonald’s today and my order number was 65, which means I was one car away from executing order 66 on May the 4th.

April/May

January 7, 2021

 Maybe I’m being overly sentimental, but I just wish everyone could be a part of this moment. Right now, in a house on Lake Gaston, there are 12 twenty-somethings prayerfully dreaming about the rest of their lives. Emotion wells up in me as I consider what ordinary vibrance they will bring to this hurting world:

The grocery store clerks, gas station cashiers, and servers that will get a taste of the heart of God because of who these people have decided they want to be.

The faithful stewards they will be: with their money, their relationships, their homes. None of it will belong to them, all is a gift from above. Because of that they will know true joy and contentment. Because of them we will see heaven on earth: Finances redeemed. Success redeemed. People redeemed.

The grace, tear-jerking kindness, and startling generosity they will bring to harsh, covetous workplaces.

The wise, fierce, gentle, and fun women they will be. They will be role models; exuding both the dignity their Creator has placed on them and the meekness of their Savior.

The strong, goofy, and humble men they will be. They will surprise people with their kindness, servant-leadership, and thoughtfulness. Jesus will be so proud to make himself known through them.

The life, fun, and safety that will fill up and overflow from their homes. 

The leaders they will be in their communities. Humble mentors, hospitable neighbors, unflinching advocates. Imitators of Jesus. Imperfect, radiant images of the God of the universe walking around our cities. Wounded healers. The aroma of Christ.

I am so confident in how the Lord will bless this world through them, because I’ve witnessed first hand how he’s already doing so: Trey’s authenticity. Maddie’s liveliness. Austin’s gentleness. Sarah’s compassion. Jeb’s wisdom. Sara’s loyalty. Tommy’s thoughtfulness. Morgan’s leadership. Gentry’s kindness. Jen’s childlike wonder. Cam’s humility. Ashley’s devotion and 22-year-old heart. All have shown me glimmers of God and sharpened me.

And what an immense privilege it is to be here while they dream. The best is yet to come.

To the Church of the Apostles and St. David’s families, the Raleigh Fellows alumni and NC State community, the Crutchfield and Farwell families, my home team, and my precious fellows class, a simple “thank you” will never suffice but it’s all I’ve got. You have befriended me, served me, helped me, guided me, and cared for me more and better than I could ever deserve. You’ve taught me and reminded me:

People aren’t made in your image — be curious.

We become what we behold.

You are not immune, but don’t let that keep you from getting in the arena. Get in the arena.

We’re all just beggars trying to tell other beggars where to find food.

You are fingerprints of The Divine. Thanks for letting me be a kid and helping me grow up. The best is yet to come indeed.

“So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, ‘You are a God of seeing,’ for she said, ‘Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.’”

— Brooke

Good Putters

As fellows has been winding down we’ve been reflecting on the things we’ve learned and what we are taking away. Mine is pretty simple: I want to hang out around the type of people I hope to emulate. Men and women who are actively pursuing the Kingdom of God through their jobs, families, spouses, ministries, friendships, and everything in between. I want to be someone who lives a fully integrated life and look forward to continued and future relationships with those who are already doing so. This is my parting thought and desire.

Fellows, you’ve been great.

-Jeb

the in-between

I feel like I've had a camera in my hands my entire life. Ever since I was in early elementary school, I've always seemed to have a love for photography, and eventually video. I’m not sure what initially drew me to it, but I think something innately within me has just always wanted to capture the beauty around me- whether through clouds (my first award winning photo, thank you very much), people, landscapes, whatever it may be. Being behind the camera has honestly been one of the biggest constants throughout my life. 

When I look back on my favorite pictures and videos I've taken, this year or otherwise, it’s always the moments of in-between I love the most. Capturing those natural moments as they happen; life as it really was. The joy seems greater, more natural. The moment holds a sense of authenticity. There’s something in those moments, those pictures and videos, that you usually can’t seem to feel in a more posed picture. The obvious grandeur is less, but I think so much more beautiful. 

Yet when the in-between moments of my life happen, I want nothing more than to run. To get to the next place as quickly as possible. Sometimes I hide, afraid of what’s next, or what’s to change. Liminal spaces feel less like an invitation to me and more of a place of dread- full of uncertainty, questions, waiting, and a lack of stability. The perfect space for doubt and fear to flood in. 

Life right now is nothing but a huge in-between. I want to have the answers, to be in control of what's happening. I don’t know if all my writing has made it clear enough yet, but i love to be in control of my life. And I’m terrible at giving it up. 

But life is made in the transitions: the time of change, the time of growth. It’s where the Lord resides even when I can’t see it. I want to see these parts of my life the way I see it in photos and videos; as the parts with the greatest joy, and beauty, and the most life. To be present in this time of in-between and transition, instead of hoping for the future or wishing for the past.

-------

I wanted to end my last blog with one of my favorite quotes from writer and artist Mari Andrews: 

“It has never been this way, and it has always been this way. The fact that suffering, mundanity and beauty coincide is unbearable and remarkable.”

These words of hers have stuck out to me since I first read them a year ago, at the start of the pandemic. They’re just as applicable to me now as they were back then. This year during Fellows I've been overwhelmed by it all: the suffering, the mundanity, the beauty. It truly is unbearable and remarkable that they can all coincide together. Over the course of the past nine months I've continued to learn more and more about what it looks like to live in the balance of all three of those things. Suffering, mundanity, beauty- they’re all meant to be lived, not hiding from one and over-embracing the other. 

I’m thankful for this year. For this program. For the people I spent entirely way too much of my time with almost every day of the week. I’m thankful for everything they’ve taught me, and what i’ll keep on learning from them as the months and the years go by. I’m thankful for the ways they’ve taught me to see the suffering, mundanity, and beauty, and remind me that the Lord is equally in them all. That He is as present in the in-betweens as the beginnings and the ends. Thank you Lord for this year.

[AND LASTLY, I’ve had this thing for a few years that i occasionally post on if you feel so inclined to keep up with any future writing of mine: www.jennnnifernicole.wordpress.com]

monthly music recommendations: obstacle 1 by interpol, simplicity by yam haus, don’t you by taylor swift, my city of ruin by wesley schultz, palms by gus dapperton, easy tiger by flyte, why by dominic fike

-- Jen

In & Of Itself (2021)

I recently read a book by Kierkegaard called Repetition that poses some ideas that may be helpful as Fellows comes to an end for our class. The basic idea is that “repetition and recollection are the same movement, except in opposite directions, for what is recollected has been, is repeated backward.” We can recollect memories, moments, and feelings that have already happened and still feel them intensely, but it’s not exactly the same as experiencing them for the first time. This leads the narrator, Constantin Constantius, to the question of whether repetition is possible in these experiences. He describes trying to repeat a trip to Germany but finds that the pleasures and events that brought him great joy the first time around aren’t the same. In fact, he actively despises them. He comes to the conclusion that repetition isn’t possible. There are some other things that make up this book, mainly involving a young man that chooses Constantin as his confidant as he hashes out his feelings for a girl, but I’ll let you read that yourself if you’re interested. You get the gist of what’s happening here, repetition is impossible to achieve.

The scary thing about leaving something like the Fellows is feeling lost and trying to repeat what was done here. After May 16th, our group won’t look the same. We aren’t required to do anything together. Our schedules won’t align. It will take infinitely more effort for us to be good friends to each other. To love each other well. It’s important that we create our own traditions, our own rhythms. The danger comes in seeking repetition. I pray that we avoid that mistake and forge our way forward to what beautiful things God has in store for us if we pursue Him and pursue each other. I hope we can recollect and remember this year and our feelings about this year as it was, in and of itself. 

In the words of Jake Crutchfield, “It’s been a good ride.” (Or something like that)

For the last time, Cheers!

Cam

P.S.

Randomly on a page by itself in Repetition is this (misquoted) Shakespeare quote: “Better well hanged than ill wed.” That sounds like some great dating and marriage advice to me!

Oh my! My heart is rich, my heart is famous

Every church I’ve ever attended up to this point has a modern, non-denominational one with the theatre-esque venues and concert-style worship. Even in my small Southern college town, we played either Way Maker and Reckless Love about every other week. So, when I signed up to do Fellows at an Anglican church, I knew I’d be in for a different experience. 

About a year ago, I was in a book club with my RUF ministry called You are What You Love by James KA Smith. The book is about discipleship and what sorts of things make strong followers of Jesus. Too often, discipleship in the church today focuses on what we KNOW about Jesus and the gospel. This not inherently bad, but discipleship ought to flow out of a more holistic understanding of who we are as humans. We are not just thinking things but are primarily beings of desire. What we desire channels our attention and time (and even our desire to acquire knowledge). And as habitual creatures, what we desire will continue bringing us back to those actions and behaviors. Thus, Smith’s core message is this:

“You are what you love because you live toward what you want.” (pg. 12)

With this in mind, Smith says discipleship is the endless recalibrating of the heart towards God and what God desires for creation. It focuses less on information in the head and reformation. In doing so, we must unlearn certain worldly desires and rituals and replace them with more godly ones. This is where Smith highlights the values of liturgies. When we engross ourselves in liturgies indexed to the kingdom of God, we slowly tilt the compass of our heart back to due North.

This is a gross simplification. There is plenty more I could say and share about it. Hit me or Brooke up if you wanna talk more. I highly recommend. After reading this book, I could embrace stepping foot into the liturgical church that is Apostles. After 9 months of services, I can tell it has made a difference within me. 

Sure, the first few months felt foreign, just as any transition can be. The collects were worded a little strange to me, and I knew pretty much none of the hymns we sing. And yeah, I don’t often have the same go-get’em energy leaving church that my previous non-denominational churches instilled. But overtime, I could tell that my relationship with the Lord frequently felt more connected. My mind would wander less often from Him, and my prayer life was more consistent. 

I had an even more concrete example of how liturgies shaped me recently. I left town for a weekend and attended another church’s service for the first time in months. And I found that I was missing certain prayers and rhythms from Apostles! Now that is something I expected when I first attended Apostles in September. 

I’m a firm believer in the power of liturgy now, which is funny because when I first started my walk with Christ, that word made me squirm. It took several months of me leaning into the liturgies to get here, but that’s just like any sort of habit that you form that is good for you. It is hard to start a routine of working out or eating healthy. Overtime, though, it feels completely normal, and deviating from that rhythm feels foreign. They are called spiritual disciplines for a reason: they require some discipline to do them long enough to feel a noticeable difference. I’m looking forward to another year of recalibration at Apostles after Fellows ends :)

For the love one final time,

Austin

Just some pics from March

Trey

my attempt to be Mary Oliver ....

March was a funnn month! I’ve been running (and driving) around like crazy this past month which has been mostly really good, but I got real with myself today and realized I really need some stillness in my weekly rhythm these next few weeks.

Something that has surfaced in my heart a lot this year in Fellows is a deep desire for creativity in my life. I sometimes neglect this desire because I struggle to see how it fits in my life (especially professionally at the moment) but I have made a promise to myself not to be passive about my passions so the past few months, I’ve been tapping into my creative drive more and hope to continue to explore that and make more space for that moving forward. Typically I like to express through writing, but I also will paint, bake, and would love to get back into playing guitar or piano one of these days…

Anyways, lately my favorite form of writing has been poetry. I love the freedom of the form; the play with beat, rhythm, and alliteration. So I decided this month I would share two poems I wrote that were inspired by Fellows-related things. The first I wrote on our silent retreat. The second I wrote today during / after Mary’s class. She is amazing and gentle and always inspires me to want to write. As does Jason. And the Holy Spirit :)) Titles pending lol. Here goes nuthin !

Why is it

that I grip gracelessly

to my dreams and desires?

I fear the release

will kill them on the spot.

They’ll fall noiselessly

under the pines and

soon get thoroughly trampled.

I’ll see the footprints

in the deep needles and

know they’re dead and buried.

I envision a merciless hand,

clenched and crushing

my delicate dreams to dust

instead of a tender palm

extended, welcoming and warm;

fingers that do not set snares

but sow seeds of love.

Not rebuking but refining,

not breaking but bearing –

offering to lighten my load

and carry what was never

mine to hold.

Poem #2

I’m learning to grow

in the in-between,

to live in the

liminal space –

not merely to be alive,

but to thrive.

For today I discovered

I am like the men walking

on the road to Emmaus,

lost in thought,

lost in talk.

so entrenched in my questions

I haven’t recognized

Jesus walking alongside me.

I continued to press on

weighed down and weary,

heavy with unanswered questions,

whispers of unspoken

dreams and fears

ringing in my ears

and here was Jesus -

here is Jesus -

beside me all along.

for there are great and small

miracles in the waiting,

in the here and now.

I trust my most gracious

walking companion will

continue to open my eyes

and instruct me in the way of joy.

even in the liminal space,

He insists -

I insist -

there is Light,

there is Life.

 -Sarah

A Spiritual Giant!

So first off sorry this is so late! I feel like the end of March was a blur and now its April 12th and I’m really not sure how. ANYWAYS! Martha Anne just suggested that I make a quick tribute to my mother so I am going to accept her guidance and rip it.

Ive said it before and I’ll say it again, my Mother is one of the most incredible people on this planet. She is smart, kind, so capable, humble, an has an enormous tank full of grace that she extends to those around her. Her heart is HUGE and she is constantly serving the community, passing on wisdom, and making others feel known. She may be a “stay at home mom”, but good Lord does she have 3 full time jobs.

It has been an absolute privilege getting to watch the way the Lord has transformed her life over the years. When I was in 8th grade my Dad came forth and confessed to having an affair with a coworker. This absolutely broke my Mother’s spirit, and it was incredible hard to watch her go through this huge struggle. It obviously impacted me as well, but I hated seeing the weight of sadness my Mother’s face expressed daily. PRAISE GOD through counseling, friends, and a strong community of believers to walk with my parents along this journey I am so happy to say they are still married happily ever after. The transformation their marriage went through is an incredible testament to the Lord, his plan, and his provision. She has taken her story, pain, and grief and changed the lives of so many woman and marriages in our church and community! She leads and guides from a place of humility having been through similar situations as the woman she counsels, and it is absolutely beautiful to watch.

ALSO! This beast of a woman started doing CrossFit a couple months ago and I am so proud of her! She has always been a huge supporter of mine in regards to sports or weightlifting and now I get to be her cheerleader as well. We used to run a lot together and train for races until a few injuries hindered her training. I love being able to support her throughout this new experience.

Lastly! God please let me marry a woman like my mother. If anyone I know embodies from the beatitudes the command to be “poor in spirit” its her. Amen and Amen.

• G

March/Aprilishh

Thank you Jesus for warm weather!!!!  As the outside girl that I am, I am a happy happy gal!!

There is something so sweet about early mornings during this time of year - waking up to the sound of the birds chirping and the crisp warm air. I have had a lot of early mornings the last few weeks (triathlon training yeehawww!!) and have had the pleasure of seeing some beautiful sunrises.  I know I gas up sunsets most of the time, but sunrises deserve more credit!  They represent a quietness and a newness to the day that makes them feel more intimate and personal.  The other morning the sunrise was so poignant it felt like it was God’s greeting to me that day.  Like a sweet embrace, I couldn’t help but smile.  It was a clear reminder to me that He knows how to reach us in the most personal and unique ways.   

I say all this to remind you and myself that He speaks to us in so many nonverbal ways throughout our day, we just have to slow down to notice Him.   Recently I have been wrestling with how little I seek Him in my day-to-day life.  How long can I go and not even think of Him?  This was a question I asked myself during our silent retreat back in March and it honestly brought me to tears.  I think the emotion came from realizing how insignificant Christ’s death on the cross is to my everyday life. He thought of me when He gave His life for mine and I barely think of him when I am doing some of the simplest and most mundane tasks.  He is thinking of me when I go for a run, in the moments of silence and loneliness, at the Crutchfield home on Thursday nights, and in the early morning sunrises.  He is always thinking of me, longing for me, and loving me. 

Lord thank you for spring and for new life - that you allow us to so clearly see your handiwork in the new growth on trees, in the sweet sound of birds chirping, and yes even in the pollen.   

Here are some lyrics from a song we sang at roundtable this past week that I think sums it all up pretty well:

How can I respond

To the love that You have lavished on me?

I don't have much, I don't have much

But I have a heart that beats for You

I have a heart that beats for You

Every part of me

Wants to love You like You've loved me

-Mission House

— Sara

Whoops this is late

Fumbled the month of March in all kinds of excitement, papers, birthdays, retreats, and more. So, here are some pictures from one of my favorite experiences of the year so far!

Peace and Blessings

-Jeb

march xx

Spring feels like a sprint that I don’t remember signing up for. The past two months have truly flown by and May is fast approaching. I’m carrying both a sense of excitement and anxiety with fellows ending in a month, but I’m trying not to spend too much time in either mindset and rest in knowing the Lord’s timing in all of the things is good (easier said than done). In all of it, there’s an immense comfort in knowing that these people aren’t going anywhere - THANK GOD. 

This month carried a lot for me: solitude at our silent retreat, a few solid weekend trips (beach + mountains babyyyy), getting to hear our reviews, leading a roundtable, and lots of little moments. It’s really always the little things… laughing at things I’m probably not supposed to in class, soaking up the first few warm days of spring, singing Heat Waves 100,000 times in the car. Those are the moments that get me.

Today in our class with Mary, she asked us what questions we are living right now. I laughed a little at first, thinking ‘what questions am I not asking right now?’ Almost everything seems unknown right now. But I spent some time filling a page of my journal full of questions - here’s a few:

• What will change in community/friendships once fellows ends?

• Where should I go to church?

• Will/when will I find a job and will it be fulfilling in some way?

• What do I want to do and (more importantly) who do I want to be long-term? 

• How do I navigate long distance friendships well?

• What are things that I need to give up that aren’t part of what the Lord has for me right now?

I don’t have answers to those questions but it was a cool practice for me to put them on paper and get them off my chest and into the hands of God. I won’t know until I know, but there’s a sliver of peace I feel right now knowing that I’m not walking alone.

As I try to answer those questions, I’ve been thinking a lot about discernment and how to make decisions well. I want to be in tune with God as I navigate the unknown, and get a sense for what he wants me to do and not just what makes sense logically. There’s a hymn we used to sing in the church I grew up in that goes like this:

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me

Melt me, mold me

Fill me, use me

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me

That’s really my prayer right now, that I’d be aware and in tune with the holy spirit that’s living in me and moving in me. I’m trying to breathe deeply and take it all in and turn back to look at everything around me while I’m thinking ahead to what’s next. 

- morgan

Highlight Reel!!!

Hey Everyone! Long time no see! It has been a wild few months and moving faster and faster each day. I’ve had many ups that have been incredible, but I’ve also had a few downs... or “speed bumps” as I’d like to call it. Back in February I hit a few stumbling blocks, and by stumbling blocks, I mean I got Covid. It was a weird time for me. I wasn’t able to be in Raleigh with the Fellows and I had to miss some fun Round Tables and a retreat. Luckily, my symptoms were very mild and I was able to quarantine quick enough to bounce back. When I came back to Raleigh, things were in FULL SWING. March went by way faster than I expected and now I am wondering where all the time went! 

Now time for the highlights! 

1. My Best friend got married! March 26th one of my closest friends in Raleigh got married and it was incredible!

2. Silent Retreat: the Raleigh Fellows class had the amazing opportunity to go to St. Francis retreat center and spend some solitude time with the Lord! When I say that every inch of the place has been prayed over… I mean it!

3. I got my Vaccine!!! Woo hoo GO MEDICINE and SCIENCE! I am so thankful for the gifts God gives people to create things like this.

4. I went to another wedding and saw arguably the greatest band on the east coast aka Liquid Pleasure!

5. I wrote a genogram! Heyoooo, hard work pays off! My family’s story has been documented. I’d like to give a special shout out to my grandma who is convinced her Microsoft Word has been hacked.

6. My parent’s bought a beach house! Pawley’s Island is now officially home to the Dreffer’s. I cannot be more proud of them. Excited to make so many memories there.

7. Bachelorette Weekend WHO??? Brought all of my besties to the beach house and it was magical! Shoutout Brooke McAllister for being a trooper and breaking the beach house in with me!

I am so so thankful for ups. They make me hopeful and excited for what is to come. Cheer’s to April and Hallelujah for vaccines!

-Maddie

March

Warm spring rain. One of my all time favorite things. 

I know that humidity isn’t everyone’s friend, but for me, there’s something about being refreshed by a light rain in the cozy, warm air of spring that feels like one big hug. Two weeks ago at work I propped open the door in the classroom I was eating lunch in, and to my surprise on what had been a cloudy, chilly day, sunlight poured into the room with a warm breeze right on its tail. Outside, a light rain was falling onto a patch of vibrant flowers, and a cardinal (VA state bird baby!) came and sat on a branch only feet from where I was standing.

Glory.

Seems insignificant, but teary-eyed joy washed over me really briefly. It all felt like a present just for me from the God of heaven. Gratitude overwhelmed me like an exhale, like some kind of relief. This has happened a lot the past few months. The Lord has been unearthing so much in my heart, stirring up some pretty intense, short-lived emotions. From bursts of elation walking through the woods on our silent retreat or playing basketball between classes, to angry tears about the lies we’ve been told about our bodies or quiet tears of loneliness, to serious longing, I’ve felt it all.

As always, it’s been made known to me that I have a part to play in this process — by being honest. Hiding behind the half-truth of God’s deserved reverence, my fear of what happens if I’m honest has often led me to blanket my prayers about struggles and aches with disingenuous language. March was a month of realizing this and calling it out. I do think that the Lord should be thought of and spoken to with honor, but the God of stunning holiness on Mount Sinai is also the unflinching God of Job and Jacob. Besides the fact that He already knows everything I’m going to tell Him, I have every! reason! to come to Him in all honesty and boldness. He is the Father of mercies and God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1:3). Even when we do dishonor Him, we have Jesus, the ultimate sympathizer, as our advocate and intercessor (1 John 2:1; Hebrews 7:25). 

This honesty that He’s called me to, the very thing I’m often afraid of, has turned out to be the one thing that’s opened me up to the life that comes from unearthed soul-soil. Maybe that’s why I love warm spring rain so much: it’s a depiction of life, of the resurrection happening inside of me.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” — Isaiah 55:10-11

Questions and Quotes —

• “Conflict breeds intimacy.” — THE Erin Alexis Watkins

• Who is someone that you know really well?

• “Christianity is about relationship with God and others, and because this statement is true, Christianity is also unapologetically about rules, for rules show us how to live in those relationships.” — Jen Wilkin

• When was the last time you were forgiven?

• “You just stay.” — a Pre-K student explaining marriage

• “Just be yourself. Who you are is good and worthy and beautiful. Just be yourself.” — John Farwell

• What is your favorite family vacation?

• “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” - Stephen M.R. Covey

P.S. While writing this, my heart went on a whole tangent and started writing to my precious friends who are deconstructing their faith. It’s not finished yet and won’t be for a while, but if you see this and fall into that camp or are curious, I’d love to send it to you once it’s done. I’ll just need to be reminded approximately 800 times. All the love to you!

— Brooke

hopeful contentment

This Easter weekend, I got to spend a few days in Asheville with Sara, Morgan, Jeb, and Gentry. We spent the better part of Saturday hiking Black Balsam Knob, leaving plenty of time for walking and thinking. Truthfully my writing felt uninspired this month, and on our last stretch of the hike I was thinking to myself about what old pieces of writing I could just use in place of this month's blog. Walking along that little trail I was reminded of the words, and the idea of, ‘hopeful contentment’. I had written about that idea based off of 1 Timothy 6:17-19 two years ago, but even in this moment felt just as applicable. 

The twelve or so miles we hiked Saturday went through mud and ice and water, and unfortunately my Hoka’s were all I had. Every step that wasn’t on dry ground usually involved me having to think hard about what spots I needed to avoid, what rocks I could step on to not sink into mud or water- constant planning and thinking and focus on something that should be so simple. Inevitably my cautious, strategic stepping would cause me to fall behind a little, leaving me to run a little to catch up. 

And is this not a picture of what my life constantly feels like: planning each little step, hoping to come out as unscatched as possible. Always feeling like i’m falling behind and needing to run a little faster, do a little better, to keep up with everyone else. 

In all my striving, in my cautious placement, I’m so focused on looking down and making my next step that I forget to just look up and look around. I miss the sunlight beginning to fall softly onto the side of the mountain, the beauty in everything around me. Taking the wrong step is unavoidable; no amount of my trying could have kept my shoes dry or out of the mud. 

I don’t know what lies ahead. For all my dreaming, and planning, and careful piecing together, I don’t know what even tomorrow will bring. Why, then, do I put so much hope in the preparation? When there’s no contentment beyond that of resting in the arms of the Father, why do I think my effort can bring about any sense of peace?

Hopeful contentment: “taking hold of that which is truly life” [1 timothy 6:19]. To be okay with the mess and the mud and whatever else may happen. Being obedient to His will and His calling and falling into His grace. I live in this tension of knowing all this, but struggling to believe it. Rarely do I let life simply happen, rarely do I simply be. I’m all too good at writing my own path, carefully and meticulously taking each step, always with the same goal of avoiding the unknown or the hurt or the pain. 

I hope I spend more time this month, my last month-ish of being a Raleigh Fellow (#RIP), focusing on that which is truly life. I hope to live more in this space of hopeful contentment- releasing my tight grip on control. A false control, might I add, that I never had to begin with. Would I spend less time planning every step and be okay with trudging through a little more mud, and in doing so take more time to look up and notice the gifts displayed all around me. Life looks a lot better when you’re not staring at the ground!

monthly music recommendations: sanctuary by hiss golden messenger, your direction by chief, sanctuary by jake wesley rogers, green rocky road by bonny light horseman, soak into this by greta stanley, ditto by aries, cowboy by allison ponthier

--  Jen

Silence (2016)

Silence is important. Silence is necessary. It helps us to focus, to be in tune with our surroundings, with God. How can we truly spend time with someone if there’s noise all around us or we’re staring at our phones? It’s easy to talk over those distractions to others, but incredibly difficult to listen. These are some things that I took away from our Silent Retreat weekend a few weeks ago. As someone whose mind never seems to stop running, moments (hours in this case) of silence can be very difficult for me. I can eliminate all distractions and it’s still too hard for me to focus. 

A lot of times when I go into time with God, I want to set the agenda. “Hey Jesus, here’s what I want to deal with and talk about today. I’ll be talking a lot so try and keep up.” A lot of times this shows up in how much I write in my journal. It’s one of the few ways I can organize my thoughts, and I feel like I measure my time with God with how much I get on the page. But this time felt different. During our extended solitude time, I didn’t bring my journal. I sat, read, walked around, napped, with no agenda in mind. As I was walking through the Stations of the Cross and sitting at each one, my mind felt free. It wasn’t racing like it normally does. It was exhausting, being silent with the Lord. But it was good. I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything or work through something specific. 

I’ll end with some quotes from Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton:

What is the use of praying if at the very moment of prayer, we have so little confidence in God that we are busy planning our own kind of answer to our prayer?

How stern You are in Your mercy, and yet You must be. Your mercy has to be just because Your Truth has to be True. How stern You are, nevertheless, in Your mercy: for the more we struggle to be true, the more we discover our falsity. Is it merciful of Your light to bring us, inexorably, to despair? No—it is not to despair that You bring me but to humility. For true humility is, in a way, a very real despair: despair of myself, in order that I may hope entirely in You. What man can bear to fall into such darkness?

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Cheers,

Cam

Six o'clock in the mornin', gotta hit the Bowflex

I’m taking a break from my deeper blogs this month. At the heart level, my March is a continuation of February in terms of unearthing and reflecting. Check out that blog if you want to know what that looks like and the insights that have come from that. Instead, this month I’m going to talk about lifting, as March celebrates my one-year anniversary of transitioning from running to lifting. Last year, I was 25 pounds lighter and training to qualify for NCAA nationals in the 10k. This year, the label “gym rat” applies to me on all accounts. 

Personality wise, it doesn’t seem like I’d be the guy who loves lifting: I’m pretty darn gentle and soft spoken. And most of my other hobbies are niche (coffee, philosophy, and computer science). So, what drew me to consuming creatine and protein shakes on the daily? At first, it was the hope to feel like a true all-around athlete for once in my life. Distance runners tend to have very different goal in mind when training that’s focused purely on aerobic output. Over the years of pursuing lowering race times, I lost a significant amount of strength, agility, and general athleticism. I picked up lifting and more general strength and conditioning as a way to balance myself back out. Now, I am significantly more athletic (well, just don’t watch me shoot a basketball and you’ll believe that statement) and am in the best overall shape of my life. 

We had a round table this month about body image, and it left me investigating my motivations behind my current training and whether or not it was healthy or a form of idolatry. I mean yeah, there is a certain level of satisfaction that comes from feeling good about myself when I look in the mirror, and I’m sure there are times when I probably desire going to the gym more than sitting with the Lord. But on the whole, I don’t think it’s something I hold on to too tightly or do in vain. I try not to be the guy wearing bro tanks and checking myself out after finishing every set. I don’t have any interest in becoming this neckless, ball of muscle with -2% body fat. And I know my worth doesn’t come from the amount of muscle I pack on or what I can bench press.

So, if it’s not for looking jacked, what keeps me coming back? My college cross country coach keeps asking when I’m going to get back into running and race a marathon. To be frank, I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon. I absolutely love what I am doing right now. I love geeking out about form and learning different training techniques/philosophies. I love investigating the sports science of my workouts (cumulative fatigue, neural potentiation, and balancing cortisol and adrenal activity). I love going to the Y with the #GainzGang (strongest fellows’ class @alumni) and spotting for my friends. I love the feeling of hitting a new lift PR and the constant progression of improvement (thank you MCODE). I don’t think I’ve ever left the gym without feeling like I’ve accomplished something, which being able to say that a few times a week just feels great. 

So here is to one year of a new activity I enjoy. May this next year of lifting hold continued PRs on the big lifts, healthy levels of confidence, and quality time with my friends. 

For the love,

Austin